21. if you want to, you would

It's not if he wanted to, he would. The correct statement should be if you wanted to, you would. If you truly desired to find a partner who treats you with the respect and love that you want and you know that you deserve, you would take the action needed to make that happen for yourself, but you haven't, have you. You're still stuck in that same cycle with the same person, hoping and praying and wishing upon a star that he'll change for you. You want him to step up to become a better man, but deep down you're too afraid of being alone. So you shift that burden of change onto him. The issue isn't them. He's already shown you what he is capable of for you. He's shown you that he is not going to change again and again when he didn't buy you those flowers that you wanted, when he didn't plan those states that you asked him to, and he keeps calling you names even when you told him to stop. Maybe he's even told you that he cannot do this for you and that you're asking for too much and that you deserve better. And here you thought that by being with him and by staying with him, it makes you a good woman. No honey, what you need to do is to believe him when he says that you can do better. You get up and you go do better. Welcome back to the Icarl Playbook. Today we'll be talking about this beautiful thing called accountability because honey, if you wanted to, you would. It is time to take back control of your life and start taking responsibility for your own happiness. No, it's been you all along. Think about it. If you genuinely wanted to find a man who treats you right, you would believe the one who doesn't. You would set those higher standards for yourself and refuse to settle for less. If a man you're talking to wants to take you out on a walk in the park for the first day and you feel like that isn't enough effort for you, then you would say no. You would not agree to go on the date for you, but instead you reluctantly say yes because you're also nice, right? You begin a relationship with that person that you know isn't a right fit for you. You save this relationship while growing more and more resentful each day, hoping that he'll magically transform into this partner, this perfect partner that you need. Why? Facing the fear of loneliness seems more scary than settling. If you treat yourself well and you take care of yourself and you prioritize your own happiness and well-being, then what is so bad about being alone? Being single by choice and being single until you meet someone that meet your standards, that is a form of self-respect and a form of self-love, but so many people are not comfortable with being with themselves and so they would much rather invite bad company than to be alone by themselves. So please, if you love yourself and you genuinely want to build self-respect, then learn to start being comfortable with your own company so that when there is a situation that presents itself, you will rather be alone than to settle and be in bad company. But why are you so afraid that you cannot do better? There is literally billions of people in the world and you think that one guy that you're begging to take you out on a date is a love of your life? Honey, please, it's time that you take responsibility for your own happiness. Stop waiting for someone else to change. If you want better, be better. Set better boundaries and make the choices that align with the life and the love that you want. The power has always been in your hands. And this doesn't just apply to romantic relationships, because let's talk about friendships as well. Some of you guys hold onto these so-called friendships that are so toxic for you. You hang out with people who don't even like you, talk behind your back, and you're always feeling stressed and drained after spending time with them. And I remember there was this girl that reached out to me and she said that her "best friends" she began hanging out with these girls who were bullying her. They would give her nasty looks, say mean things about her, spread rumors about her and just like outcast her. But hey, they didn't physically bully her. And so does that make it okay? No, because let me say something. Just because someone can do worse, it does not justify that the behavior isn't wrong. And so the girl who messaged me, she said that she mentioned this to her quote-unquote best friend that she feels uncomfortable that she's hanging out with the people who aren't bullying her. And that's so valid, right? But this quote-unquote best friend, she just kind of brushed it off. And so the girl who messaged me, she began justifying that it wasn't like her quote-unquote best friend was participating in the bullying and that she didn't want to make it seem like she wasn't allowing her to have other friends beside her. And so she was trying to justify the behavior and she was asking me for advice on how to make this friendship good again because this was her only friend. But honey, if she really was your best friend, she would be defending you. Not being friendly with the same people who are hurting you, you're putting in so much effort into someone that clearly does not value nor respect your feelings. But just because someone else doesn't respect you, it doesn't mean that you don't respect yourself either. Just because someone else doesn't value you does not mean that you don't value yourself either. And yes, losing that only friend may cause you to be lonely. And yes, cutting out toxic friendships in general may mean that your life will become more boring because you're cutting out all of the drama that come with those friendships, but it will be peaceful. And I don't know about you, but I would much rather peace over drama. Because I would much rather be alone than to be in bad company. So start respecting yourself and caring about your own well-being by cutting out these so-called "friends" out of your life. There's this quote that says that you cannot change the people around you, but you can change the people around you. And I think that perfectly captures this idea, right? You cannot force other people to become better friends, to treat you with respect, or to value the way that you deserve. But you can choose who you choose to spend your time and energy on. You have the power to surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you and support you rather than choose to be with people who drag you down. The relationships that you keep around you are a direct reflection of your relationship with yourself. You allow exactly what you think you deserve. If you find yourself in a relationship where you are not being treated the way that you want, but you keep allowing that same relationship around you and to continue letting them treat you poorly, that is a clear sign that you do not value yourself enough. Because if you did, you would have taken the steps to remove such negative behavior out of your life. You simply won't tolerate anything less than what you know that you deserve. And that is why your own sense of self-worth is so important because it sets the standard for others. If you believe you deserve respect and kindness and love, then you will attract those who treat you with that. But if you doubt your own value, you will settle for relationships that mirror that insecurity. It's okay to be selective with who you choose to be in your life. The more selective that I've been with friendships and partners and even job opportunities, the better my life has become. And I think the idea of being popular and having so many friends, having plenty of suitors, and even maybe even like having plenty of job offers, especially as you grow older, you come to realize that it's not as important as a quality. So don't be afraid to be picky because it doesn't just lead to better relationships. It leads to a better you. And listen, I get that sometimes, we can't seem to let go whether it's a relationship, a friend, or a job that just isn't right for us. We hold on because it's all we know and that sense of familiarity. Even if we know it's toxic, it provides us with a sense of comfort. But this comfort can drag us down, literally. The very concept of leveling up is about reaching higher places and having better people in your life with better opportunities, right? And so if different means a chance at better, then it should be worth it, right? This concept also applies to our professional lives. Many of us stay in toxic work environments, shouldering way too much stress that even affect our health. This all work is hard, but you can still find joy and fulfillment in what you do. Because think about it. Like for me, for example, right? I create these episodes and sometimes it does get very challenging and it does require a lot of work with the research and the scripting and everything, right? The whole process that comes into creating this, these episodes for you guys, but I genuinely enjoy it. I get tired, but I never get tired of it. Our job should be challenging you enough to grow, but it shouldn't be challenging you to the point that it is costing you your health and your relationships. Rather than constantly waiting for the weekend to venture your friends about how much you hate your job, take that time and energy into finding a new job. A job that you have a supportive work environment. Your boss is not micromanaging you. Your co-workers are kind. You're getting paid more and you can afford to have a life outside of work. And if you can't find a job like that, then start your own business. There's always options because if you genuinely wanted to, you would. You would find a way. So, let this be a wake-up call. You have the power to create the life that you want. Stop waiting for others to change. Stop waiting for your environment to be perfect in your situation. To get better and start taking control of your own happiness. Because if you wanted to, you would. Thank you so, so much for tuning into another episode. And I hope to see you in the next one. In the meantime, I hope you feel empowered to actually do what it takes to live the life that you want. Because you've always had this power in you. And I hope that you start to actually put it into use. And of course, as always, stay hot. Bye.