If you want lasting change, do these 5 things (E)

(upbeat music) Hello beautiful bins and welcome to the podcast episode of today. I'm actually just jumping in here before we get started on the topic of today's episode to let you know, especially my Sydney beans, that I am doing a one-off Sydney live show in February. Feb 4th, it's going to be unbelievable, it's gonna be the best show yet. And I am apologizing because I left Sydney out of the lost but make it look intentional live show tour across Australia. It was unbelievable, but unfortunately, I was not able to add Sydney on that tour list. But now we are coming back to Sydney with the lost but make it look intentional show, one last show off that tour. And it is going to be bigger and better than any other show I've ever done. So if you live in Sydney or really anywhere in the world because I have had people come from New Zealand and Seattle, by the way, to my live shows from around the world, love this so much. So if you live in Sydney or anywhere in the world, then head to dythempod.com and click on the link for the live show tickets. And by yourself, a live show ticket, it's gonna be epic, we're gonna have things going on before and after this VIP tickets as well that are available where we're doing a meet and greet. We're doing drinks after. There's a whole, it's all happening. So jump on the website, get yourself a live show ticket. It's gonna be on a Wednesday night. So maybe go have dinner, have drinks in the city and then come and change your life at the live show 'cause I will, that's my aim to change your life. Anyway, over and out, love you guys so much. Let's get straight into the episode of today. (music) Hello, my beautiful Beans and welcome to today's episode. So today's episode is all about what to do if you want lasting change. So this kind of ties into all things around productivity, motivation, drive, sticking something out and kind of also taking a leap of faith. So, and goal setting. So it ties everything together. So if you're somebody who's been saying, oh, I'm gonna do this for the last, you know, five years and it's never actually eventuated or someone that's always setting the same New Year's resolutions or as I like to do birthday resolutions and it never changes, then this is the episode for you. Hopefully I'm going to get you understanding some hard truths about the reality of your situation but also making you realize that it is within your control. There's a few things you need to tweak and you need to get real about it. But once that's done, you're going to see big differences in how you structure your goals and how you follow through with your goals to, you know, see the changes that you want to see. Okay, time to get into the brain factor of today. I'm going to wrap it up nice and quickly and then we get into today's episode topic. So the brain factor of today, I'm talking about a sleep disorder called narcolepsy. So what is it and what causes it? So let's start with what is it? It's a neurological sleep disorder where a person, the person who has it, gets hit with bouts or attacks of drowsiness. It's this chronic and excessive drowsiness that they get throughout the day. And these, these bouts can last for minutes at a time or it can last for just a couple of seconds at a time. And the frequency of it can vary during the day. It can happen maybe just like a handful of times or it can be happening throughout the whole day. And it also affects your sleep patterns during the night. Now this disorder, this sleep disorder is often paired with something called cataclyxi. So narcolepsy and cataplexy, which is the onset of extreme muscle weakness. So you've got type one narcolepsy, which is narcolepsy with cataplexy. And then you've got type two narcolepsy, which is narcolepsy without cataplexy. Narcolepsy is also often called excessive daytime sleepiness. So EDS. It can be associated with a whole bunch of other things as well. And one of those things is called automatic behavior. And this is where you do something automatically, but then you have no recollection of having done it. Almost like as if you were in a sleep state, but not. And another thing that may occur, but not in all cases is hallucinations, but not in every case. And additionally to that, you can also get sleep paralysis, which is like the feeling of not being able to move your limbs while you've gone to sleep or around the time of sleep. What causes it? So type two, we're not sure what causes it. We're not sure what causes narcolepsy without cataplexy. But type one, there's quite a lot of evidence to support that narcolepsy is an autoimmune disorder, which is fucking fascinating. So this is basically where your immune system is attacking something that it's not supposed to be attacking. It's identifying something, it's saying, all right, you've got to go. You're fucking, you're going down and it snipers it down, it attacks it, which normally causes an issue. Okay, in this case, the immune system is targeting a neuropeptide, which is called hypercratin, or it's also called a rexin. So let's just call it a rexin for the sake of today. A rexin is made or it's synthesized. We thin a bunch of neurons in the lateral hypothalamus, okay? And the hypothalamus, I've spoken about heaps of times, it's involved in a bunch of things, but namely memory and learning, memory consolidation, all of that. Now, these rexin neurons are involved in a whole bunch of things, but really importantly, the rexin neurons are involved in maintaining wakefulness, the sleep wake states regulating your appetite, your homeostasis of energy. It also impacts your cognition and your mood. And they found that in a rat model study, I think it was rat or mice, deficient levels of this rexin was linked to obesity, which is interesting because that's given that when compared to the wild type rats or mice, they had the same caloric intake or even less. Now, when rexin levels are healthy or high, it can improve your memory, because it's in the hippocampus, of course. So it can improve your memory, your mood, and your learning. It's also involved in neurogenesis within the hippocampus. So that's the growth and the birth of new neurons. So you know how I've spoken about a whole bunch of things that can enhance neurogenesis within that area. If the brain, rexin is one of those things. It also is-- rexin is also controls spontaneous physical activity. So this might be why if these neurons are being attacked, the ones that produce rexin, this is why cataplexia occurs as well, because you've got that reduction of spontaneous physical activity. Now, if the levels are low of rexin, then that might be linked to mood disorders, depression, and learning problems, memory problems, all of that. Now, this peptide, these chemicals, act as a neurotransmitter. So a neurotransmitter is transmission. So it helps in the communication and the transmission of a nerve impulse from neuron to neuron. And the immune systems attacking these neurons that produce the rexin, the hypercratin. And we don't know why it happens, but we do know that genetics plays a role, and that environmental factors also might contribute to it. So that is narcolepsy for you. That's the brain factor of today. So we don't really understand why exactly it's going down, but we do have a really good feeling. And by where scientists do have a really good feeling, that it is an autoimmune disorder, based on all the studies that they've done. So there you go, good times. That is the brain factor for today. Let's get straight into today's episode. Okay, so the episode of today, we're talking about if you want lasting change, you need to start doing these things. Start or stop doing these things. There's five things that I've got for you to focus on. Let's break it down. Number one, stop setting conditional goals. That's what you need to start doing from the beginning. Conditional goals are going to second. I'll go into it in a second. But conditional goals are weak, and they're pathetic, and they only reinforce to yourself that you don't believe that you are in control of a situation. When you have this conditional goal, you're kind of at the whim of what is happening to you in your life. Not good enough, and nothing's going to change if you're constantly setting conditional goals, okay? A conditional goal is waiting for something external to occur or to align with you, and then you can start to do that thing, okay? And I'm here to say, no, an example of this are, when work gets easier, I'm going to start going to the gym. Or when I'm less tired over the weekend, I'm going to spend some quality time with my partner. Or when winter is over, I'm going to start getting up early. Or once uni finishes, I'm going to start taking care of myself again. No, this kind of thing is so unhelpful, and a lot of people use the excuse. Well, I just can't do it right now. I can't do it right now, whatever. No, I'm sorry, no. A conditional goal is your key to staying where you are and to feeling pissed off and frustrated at all these external things that are not allowing you to do that goal, or that you believe is not allowing you to do that goal, okay? You're not learning to take accountability for what you do have control over, and you're putting it in the hands of the external world, being like, well, this is just too much so I can't. So unless I get this little pocket of free time, I just can't do it, okay? You need to stop setting goals that are worded like that, or that are framed in a conditional way, okay? If you have to wait until something external changes for something to happen, then it's never going to happen and it's not going to be consistent. Sorry, there's Herbibi in the background having a little wind in the middle of his sleep. Number two, you have to understand that you make the time, okay? You make the time. If you want something, you make the time. In 99.99% of cases, when you say I don't have the time, you are saying there are too many things that I'm putting before this as being more important, so I'm not going to get to it. That is what you're saying. It's the idea of when, for example, if someone that you're not really that interested, let's say you're at, you put yourself out into the dating world, and someone that you're not really that interested in asks you out. Oh, for some, there's a million things that you could use as an excuse to why you don't have the time. You say, I'm actually really busy, I'm genuinely busy. No, they're lovely, I just don't have the time, okay? But then the perfect person strolls along the love of your life, walks into your life, and asks you out tonight. Miraculously, you can free up some time tonight, or if not tonight, this week, you make the time to meet up with that person because you value that person very highly. You value that encounter so highly that you prioritize it above everything else, okay? You make the time. To tell yourself that you don't have the time is again confirming to yourself that you actually don't have control over your situations. I have single mothers in this community who post in the group, who work full-time and fit in three training sessions per week and have now taken on part-time study. They've made the time. That's a fucking busy life. That's a fucking hectic busy life, but they've made the time. And I'm sure that for those women who have posted in the group or have messaged me about this, I'm sure they have had to make sacrifices, but they have chosen what their priorities are, and they've somehow shuffled things around to put those priorities first and then other things to come second. So it's possible, but you have to identify what you're going to make time for and what you are not going to make time for. My sister always says this to my mum and my mum, she's like, she's like, "Oh, I want to start doing this, but I just don't have the time." And Stephanie's like, "You make the time." She's like, "No, I know, but I've just got this on and this on." And Stephanie's like, "You make the time." And literally, all she says is you make the time, you make the time, you make the time, and then eventually my mum caves. She's like, "Fine, I'll find a way to fit it in because my mum loves to always take on new hobbies and skills and whatever." So she ends up doing like a million different things. But it is that, it's like, if this is something that you've always wanted to do, if it's a hobby that you've always wanted to do, or a skill you've always wanted to acquire, you're going to have to make the time. Because sitting there saying, "Oh, I don't have the time to do this," is only going to make you feel like you're missing out, that it's frustrating. And if it's something that's important enough, you can do it, okay? You've got the time to listen to this podcast right now. You can do it. I understand that everyone has their own capacity limits. And some people's limits are a bit more stretched than others, for sure. But you can always make the time for what is a priority to you. So this now leads me on to point three, which is prioritize and identify your primary goals. So point number three, prioritize and identify your primary goals. It's really important, because there's a lot going on in every person's life. Everyone is busy. Everyone's got shit that they have to do, and shit that they want to do. Shit, that's crucial and some kind of escape, and shit, that's really, really important to them, to their soul, to make them happy. We've all got it. We all have our plates full, okay? But you have to identify what the hierarchy of those things are in your life. Because some things are going to have to sit really high up there, whether you want to or not, for example, a way of making an income, so you can survive. And other things are going to have to fall a little bit further down. Like how much time is spent doing things that you don't need to be doing. And I'm not talking about free time, because that is crucial, and that is a very important thing. I'm talking about wasted time, and you guys all know what I mean by that. For example, I have a friend, he works for himself, he's a tradee, okay? He's got his own business. And he always talks about wanting to start exercising regularly in the mornings, right? And he knows that if he doesn't exercise at the start of the day, he's not going to do it. He's just the kind of person that needs to exercise in the morning. He already has identified that about himself. He works all day long by the end of the day. He's had this physically demanding job. He's tired physically, he's tired mentally, and he's like, "I just want to get home, I want to eat something, I want to wind down." So I'm ready for the following day. Okay, that's his call, that's his thing, right? However, he never gets to exercise early in the morning, or maybe one day here or there, depending on the job, because he always prioritizes starting work early. He likes to start work early, and if he can pick up a job that starts early, then it's like perfect, but then exercising goes out the window. So he's always saying, "Oh yeah, yeah, next week I'm going to start, next week I'm going to start." And this goes on forever. And what ends up happening is that he exercises maybe on a Tuesday, and then nothing for two weeks, and then he'll exercise on a Wednesday here, and then maybe the Friday, and then nothing for two weeks. And that's kind of how his time table is, because what he's done is he is prioritized above all, starting work early. And whenever the opportunity is there to take on a job that he can start early, he takes it. And there is nothing wrong with doing that, but the problem is, if he knows that he's only going to train in the morning, he's literally prioritized starting work early, versus getting the exercise done in the morning. So this is where you personally have to prioritize your own primary goals, and you've got to identify what is more important to me, having a morning routine, and he knows that every time he does train, he feels fucking phenomenal after it, he feels great, he knows that. So you've now got to identify what do I want more? Do I want to start work early and finish a bit earlier? Or do I want to have this routine set in stone where I'm waking up, getting to train, feeling good eating, and then starting work a little bit later? That's your call. That is your call. But to sit there and say, oh, no, I will do it, I will do it. When this comes down, when that comes down, no. This is kind of bringing in 0.1 into 0.3. And that is you setting these conditional goals, saying, oh, when things come down, especially when you can determine what time you start work and whatever, you're deciding when things come down or not, okay? And sacrifices may have to be made, but what is more important to you? You are kidding yourself to say, oh, when things come down. That's an external thing that you now can't control, or you're telling yourself that you can't control. You have to decide, what is a non-negotiable in my fucking life? Is it my morning routine where I set my day up for myself, for my mental health, for my physical health, or not? There's no right or wrong answer, okay? But you are the only one that can make that call. And you have to identify what is a priority, what is important, and what is the most important thing. And that is what you need to prioritize. If starting work early is the be-all-end-all, and that's what makes you the happiest in life, then so be it. And that is fine. But then you need to just remove that goal all together and stop pissing yourself off. Stop setting that goal, find a different goal, stop talking about it, because all you're doing is annoying yourself, and you're also reinforcing in yourself that you can't stick to goals. If you've determined that it's just not possible to get it done, change the goal or change how you're going to get to that goal, because by maintaining the same goal, but it never happening because of other circumstances that you're allowing to stop it from happening, then you are reinforcing in your head subconsciously that you can't stick to a goal, and that's a problem. You are reinforcing this pattern of, "Oh, every time I set out to do something, I just never really get it done." Look at all the times I've tried to do this, just hasn't happened. So if you have decided, not training in the morning cannot happen, because more important than training for me is starting work early, fine, but identified, acknowledge it, own it, and then stop saying that you're going to be training in the morning when things lighten up, find a different way to fit your training in, or just don't prioritize training. It's your decision, okay? However, if training is the priority, you have to do it early, you start work a little bit later, and that's your new lifestyle, but you're getting the thing that really matters to you, you're getting it done every day. If something is important enough to you, like number two, you make the time. The issue is that sometimes we have a really hard time prioritising things and determining what is more important, and it only becomes clear to us later down the track, when, not when it's too late, but when it feels like time has been wasted, you know, it only becomes clear using hindsight, and saying, I wish I prioritised my health, or I wish I just got up early, I wish like three years ago, when I said I was going to get up early, I started getting up early and doing these things, I wish I did it. hindsight is a beautiful thing, but it's also a very painful thing, because it shows you what you could have been and what you could have done, and you don't want to experience that so often in your life. I mean, it's going to happen, but if you can stop it from happening, using what you know about yourself, then stop it from happening, okay? You don't want to look back, and say, I wish I prioritised my health, my health, because I would feel so much better now, or I wish I prioritised travel when I was younger, and didn't wait until I was retired to do it, etc, etc, etc. You need to sit down with yourself, sit down today with a piece of paper, and say, what is my absolute priority in life? What is my non-negotiable? And to me, one of the best ways of doing that is identify the feeling. How do I want to feel after a month, after a year? How do I want to feel in 10 years' time? What do I want my health to look like in 10 years' time, in five years' time, in six months' time? What is that picture? And what do I want it to look like? Really identify what it looks like, and what it feels like, because it's so easy to say, oh yeah, label that, yep, that, that, that, all these things, bring it back to the feeling, because you might look in this example that I've been using, he might look back in 10 years' time, and be like, yeah, I was able to start work early and finish a bit earlier, but I'm really bummed that I never prioritised my health and fitness, hypothetically, or not. But that's what I want you to do. Think about the feeling. What will you achieve, and what don't you want to regret? So if you say, oh, in like a year's time, I will regret it if I don't dot dot dot, then that's a priority. If you think, oh, in a year's time, I'm actually not going to regret that, because it's not really that important, then it's not a priority, okay? So always put yourself in your future selves shoes, looking back, because we all know what regret feels like. There's all, everyone's got something that we wish we had done in the past, all of us have, okay? And sometimes it's not big enough to affect us, and sometimes for some people, it is really big, and we really wish we did those things. We wish we told our partner that we appreciated them more. We wish that we made the most of time with our friends or whatever. We wish that we prioritised our health, and we didn't, okay? We all have something where the big or small that we wish we did more of or less of, okay? And that's a really good way to structure your goals and how you prioritise things in your life into that. Number four, get realistic with yourself. I personally don't love the saying you can't have it all, because I like to think that you can have it all, and that you can live a life where you literally are just milking it for everything, and you're having it all. But I do believe that you can't have it all at the same time. That's a pretty big truth in a lot of situations. You have to be honest with yourself and ask yourself how bad do I want change? How badly do I want this change? And the reason, often, the reason you don't do something doesn't really come down to not wanting it bad enough, because you might desperately want something, but it's just not sticking. Something's just not happening. You're sitting the same goal again and again, and it's just not happening. And someone says, "Oh, you just don't want it bad enough." And you think, "Well, that's not true. I really want it, but I just can't adapt to doing it." What's going on here is that you are prioritising your fear of discomfort or your fear of the unknown over putting yourself out there and going for that thing that you really want. The reason you don't take action on the thing that you want to take action on, despite wanting it so badly, is down to fear. And you might not think, "Oh, but I'm not scared of that thing," but fear manifests in many, many different ways. It's an avoidance behaviour. Okay? So like I said, discomfort, fear of the unknown, it could also be fear of things getting too hard, or fear of the struggle of trying something new and it not being easy. And fear of not saying the light at the end of the tunnel at the very early stages of trying something, fear of being an absolute novice at something, fear of not knowing what you're doing. They're all, everything that you're avoiding comes down to some sort of a fear. And it doesn't have to be like, "Oh, I'm scared, fear." But it's that kind of avoidance of discomfort, fear. So I want you to get real with yourself and say, "What sacrifices do I actually need to make in order for this thing that I want so badly to happen?" What discomfort do I need to go through in order for this change or for this goal to manifest? Often what ends up happening with so many people is that they reach a point of absolute saturation. They reach this point of desperation and a point of no return where you reach breaking point. And then when that happens, you're willing to do something no matter what. Often this manifests in you get a health scare. Like the doctors, like, if you don't change this, then you're fucking gonna die. So you end up thinking, "Okay, fucking everything needs to change on whatever." Or it could be in a relationship where your partner gives you this hectic ultimatum and says, "If you don't start prioritizing our relationship and spending some quality time with me, I'm out." And then you think, "Fuck, this is a wake-up call. I adore my partner and I've just taken them for granted." You know, there are certain things in life that can occur that make you reach breaking point and it's do or die. And that's what often makes people think, "Fuck, I need to make this drastic change." But you don't have to wait for something to get to that point. You don't have to wait till you're desperate in order for change to happen. You just have to get to the point where you realize that you have to be more willing to want to do something than you are willing to keep the life that you have. It's that separation of when I start doing this and when I'm serious about it, it means giving up something, letting go of something, or letting go of the old version of me, okay? So that is what I mean when I say that you need to, that you need to get realistic with yourself. Certain things are gonna have to be dropped off. Time has gotta be shifted around. You're gonna have to sacrifice some things. And for a lot of people, that thing that has to be sacrificed is a lot of kind of wasted time where you feel like, "Oh, but I just don't like getting up earlier. I don't like a routine or this or that." Sometimes what you're actually missing out on is not much at all. You just have to have more discipline around the time that you do have. A lot of people, you know, just wake up, grab their phone and start scrolling and scrolling and scrolling and before they know at the first 40 minutes of their day has been eaten up into scrolling on their phone. I don't look at that as much of a sacrifice in your life if anything, it's all wins. So when you look at what you have to do, you have to be realistic and say, "How much time am I actually wasting?" Or, "What is it that I actually do need to sacrifice in order for me to achieve this new life, this 2.0 version of myself?" But some things gotta give and you have to identify what that thing is because you can't have the infinite scrolling and also feeling great about yourself in the morning. You can't have all this time fucking around doing shit that's not important and also feel fulfilled at the end of the day. You can't have it all when it comes to that. Something's gotta give. Is it gonna be the thing you want or is it gonna be the thing that you don't really have to have? Nobody can make that decision for you. Nobody, okay? You can only be led to water but you're the one that has to do the drinking. You have to decide. Now, the last point, number five, if you can only do it temporarily or in drips and drabs, don't expect the results to be permanent, okay? I am the biggest advocate for it. If you're gonna make change in your life, it's gotta incorporate itself into your new reality because there's no point. I hate the idea of going on a crash diet to fit into an outfit. What the fuck? Like, you either want change for a reason or you don't. Because what's the point in the scheme of life? What is the point of doing this horrendous crash diet where you're punishing your body just so you can fit into this outfit just so you look a certain way in photos when in reality that's not what your lifestyle reflects. That's not who you really are. The moment those photos are taken, you're going back to your lifestyle because what you're putting yourself through was so torturous that it's not sustainable. Like, what is the actual point? You're putting so much importance on how you're gonna look in a few photos instead of really breaking it down and thinking, well, what do I actually want for my life? How do I want to feel? You know, is it that important that I do this crazy crash diet? Do I actually want to lose weight for how I feel or do I want to lose weight for what I look like in an image? Because a lot of the time, I know a lot of people and I've interviewed some people on the podcast who think, wait a minute, I just fuck how I looked in the photo. I actually just wanted to tweak a few things in my lifestyle and I feel so much better and I actually didn't end up losing the weight that I thought I wanted to lose. But I feel so much better in my body and I've got a really healthy lifestyle. It's fucking sustainable. I feel great and I'm not at the weight that I thought I had to be at but I'm happier than I've ever been because I've got this great new lifestyle. Anything that makes you count down to the last days of doing that thing, I just don't see the point in doing it because it's obviously not sustainable. If you are suffering every step of the way and if you are holding yourself, cutting yourself off from so many things that are valuable in your life, instead of trying to tweak it and find a better balance, then it's not going to be sustainable. Like for example, if you're somebody that genuinely is so social but you're like, I'm not going to socialise at all because it means that when I socialise, I drink and I'm not socialising at all, you're causing yourself to suffer. You're cutting out something that you value to get something that you want to get but then when you get it, the results are going to be temporary because once you've achieved that thing, you go back to your old lifestyle. Instead of looking at your lifestyle and saying, okay, how many of those nights that I'm going at, do I actually have to drink? Why don't I just not drink for some of those nights but still go out and enjoy the company for people I want to be around? You can make tweaks so that way, your lifestyle can be better and sustainable instead of cutting yourself off from something that actually brings you joy. Okay, so if you can only do something temporarily, do not expect the results to be permanent. All right, so to wrap up the five points that I want you to, even if you focus on one of these things, it will help. But the five points are number one, stop setting conditional goals. Number two, understand that you make the time. Number three, prioritize and identify your primary goals. And number five, if you can only do it temporarily, don't expect your results to be permanent. Guys, that is today's episode. I hope that you found that helpful. Hopefully you can implement one, if not all, five of those things and how you set your goals and how they play out should change. It's a bit of tough love for yourself that you've got to do on yourself, but it's so worth it. It's honestly so worth it. And you'll look back and you're not going to have the regrets that if you don't put these things in place that you might have in a few years' time. Guys, thank you so much for listening. Love you guys so much. And as always, please remember, be kind to yourself. Be kind to your brain. Don't take shit from anyone. And especially, don't take shit from yourself. Don't care. (gentle music)