If They’re Hiding You on Socials… Listen to This

Good morning everyone. You are listening to my podcast, Relationships, The Good and the Messy. My name is Sally Kaelin. I am so glad that you are here today. I hope wherever you are, you are having a good day. So let's get into today's show. We go straight to it these days. Today we are going to be talking about something that a lot of people ask me about. In fact, I here, I've heard this so much. I am just so called to create this episode today. And the question is, why does someone hide you on social media? Why are they not celebrating you, acknowledging you or including you in their online life? And I want to say something important here before I get into it. This doesn't just happen in relationships, meaning sometimes it happens when you're emotionally connected to someone, when you're close, when there's clearly an emotional bond with someone and yet publicly it's like you don't exist. You're erased. You're just not. And it's not necessarily because you need to be acknowledged or anything like that. It's obvious. They just do not want to acknowledge you in any way. You might be talking regularly to this person. There might be this emotional connection. You might even feel this person is very important to you. But on their social media, there is nothing. And this can leave people really confused. Her or wondering if they are imagining the connection. So today I want to break it down. I am going to unpack why this happens because social media has actually become one of the clearest modern signals about how someone is positioning you in their life. Okay. I want you to think about that. Social media is one of those modern day signals. And it is really showing you how they see you in their life. This is how it is now. So let's get into it. So the first point I want to make is sometimes I hear people say I'm so private that he said he was so private and that's how he does things. So privacy and secrecy are not the same. Some people genuinely are private people. And often those people don't have very big social media. They are not on social media very much. They are just not. They have an account that they rarely are going in there. And that might be different. Okay. So I am more talking to people that are on social media and that do share regularly that do have a social media sort of presence, meaning that they interact with friends and that. But as I said, there are people of course that are private and they don't post their relationships and they don't share much of their personal life. They just keep things mostly offline. And if somebody lives their life that way, consistently, that's one thing, right? But secrecy is different. secrecy is when someone posts parts of their life, friends, activities, holidays, but they carefully leave you out. And it's like a feeling that you know that that person's life, the other part of their life knows nothing of you and it's an internal noem. And that's when people do begin to feel like they're not being shown and they're being hidden. Okay. So that's the first point I want to make that privacy and secrecy, they are not the same thing. So if they don't fall for that, if somebody is sort of saying, I'm so private though, and you know, well, there's privacy, butty and then there's secrecy. The next point I'd like to make is sometimes this is what I personally feel as a relationship coach for like 15 plus years. Sometimes the connection is real, but that person just does not want to define it publicly. And this is where again, a lot of people find themselves, you might not even have defined the relationship as such. It may not be a relationship per se. It's a situation ship got podcast episodes coming up about that. So stay tuned for the future ones all of that as well. So you're not necessarily in in a relationship maybe, but the connection is very real. You talk, you know, you share things, you feel close with that person. And yet that person still keeps the entire dynamic that you to have off the record. But you see them posting other things. All right, they might even post work colleagues or friends, other friends, but somehow you're just erased, right? And it's not a good feeling obviously for someone in this situation because you know, there's no mentions of you, no tags or no acknowledgement. And you may even say to them like, why I can you never say anything about me or why don't you put, and they'll come up with this story. Oh, I'm private and I have to keep everything hash hash, but then you're seeing other things, which is like, okay, make that makes sense because it actually doesn't. And look, this is, this is how you know it's not there's something of this because you can see what they are posting. And then, you know, the way they're you're just not, they don't want to ever acknowledge you, like, and that can leave people feeling very invisible and just not cared for. And I know if I'm talking to you, I know that this would make you feel really uncomfortable and just it doesn't feel good, right? It shouldn't feel good because it's not meant to be like this. This is what I'm getting to, which I'm getting, going to get to point three. So when I think of this, like social media, point three, be in, now reflects relationship status, whether we like it or not, right? Look, it's just you go, you see if people are relationships. And if you are seeing someone and you are clearly in a relationship, then and they're not acknowledging it in some way, it is a red flag because years ago, relationships did exist mostly in private. That's true. But today social media has become, you know, part of how we signal to other people and our lives, what's going on, right? People share who they are, seeing or what they're doing, who matters to them. So when someone deliberately is excluding you from the world, it sends a message, whether intentional or not, about how they want the connection to appear. And again, it goes back to, I want to be private. I don't want to explain this publicly. And they're not really considering your feelings whatsoever. They're just thinking about what's good for them. And I'm referring to this because a client, we were talking about this recently, I was talking about this with someone and they just don't acknowledge that person. Like at all, it's and she was saying to me that in fact, I've had a couple of people recently message me on the same thing. A client and someone else who I used to coach years ago said a similar thing that when she tried to tag him in photos, he wouldn't add them to the timeline. And his excuse was, I can't even remember exactly what the reason was, but it obviously was not comfortable for her. And it was just this feeling of always being hidden, always being hidden. And look, it is from the most part, not a good sign. Like I said, if someone is actively on social media, this is a red flag, which brings me to point four. And this is just what I feel is the main reason. And I say that with care because I know it is just what we don't want to hear, but I know I personally believe this because there are so many people that would want to celebrate, you want to share, you want social media. Look, I am with this person. Even if you're close, even if you're not dating and yet you've got a bond and they're still refusing to show you what is that really say? And I think it is a lot to do with this point that sometimes people hide those connections because they want to keep their options open. It is a hard truth, my love. But when someone presents themselves online as completely single, it allows them to keep certain doors open. They can still receive attention. Right? And look, I'm talking primarily to men that are doing this, this not posting, but I know it happens the other way around. So guys, I know it goes, it works both ways. But I primarily can women, so I'm talking from that perspective, but it keeps their options open. They are presenting as single because they want to get the attention. They like receiving that, they like to flirt, and they can still maintain that presence of availability. And that is a very uncomfortable truth, but this is why most people aren't mentioning you. If someone that you've been close with is never mentioned you on social media, it's because they want to be, they want other women. They want to look available to others, and they don't prioritize you in the way that you believe. And when someone hides you, while continuing to live, you know, publicly as if they're unattached, it creates that dynamic where you, your part of their life maybe, but not part of their whole identity. And I talk about the identity work, I'll be talking a lot about that down the track. They like the idea of you, maybe you have a connection, but they want other women to look at them. And look at me, I'm so free. Look at me, options, options, options, like those types. And it is just so unattractive, by the way, in someone. There's nothing more unattractive than a man that behaves like this. Okay. It's just, and a woman, if a woman was doing this, as well, it's just the same. Women that don't post men that they're seeing, but they like the benefits of that man, for example, it's just not a very, it's a red fucking flag, right? It's just not good. Now, the last point I'm going to make if I give you the clarity note at the end, because I want you to take something away from this. The real issue in all of this is how it makes you feel. Okay. At the end of the day, the biggest question isn't the post itself. It's the feeling underneath it that do you feel valued? Do you feel seen or do you feel like something that has to stay quiet? Do you always feel like you're sort of like compartmentalized to like some sort of this is all unhealthy, my love? Because when a connection is meaningful, most people don't feel the need to keep, to keep another person in the show. It's like they want to celebrate them. They want to look, look, I'm weird, look at this conversation, look at this friendship, look at what we have. But someone that is intentionally hiding you and wants to be seen as single is because they want attention elsewhere. They want to look single so they can get their needs fed externally and keep their options open. It's, yeah. And then this is not good for you. You deserve a man or a woman that wants to celebrate you. That is happy to to celebrate you. That wants to say, look, look at this person in my life. Like we have the best, we have the best friendship or we have the best relationship. I didn't know it until I met this person, but we have this. But someone that never acknowledges you, hides you, never mentsens you. If any raises comments that maybe you've made on their page, they are people that actually don't care about you in the way that you deserve. Okay. There's a reason they're doing that. They want you to be raised. Okay. They're not your person. Okay. So if someone consistently makes you feel hidden, what I would suggest is, it's worth asking yourself why the connection can exist privately, but never be acknowledged publicly. Why do you think that is? Think about it. Why? So the clarity I wanted to, I want you to take away social media itself, of course, isn't the relationship. We know that. It's not the relationship. But it can reveal how someone is positioning you in their life. 100% shows you. It always goes back down to the actions. And if you find yourself feeling like someone important or someone cares about you in private, but you're invisible in public, that feeling deserves your, like deserves attention. Okay. This is not how it's meant to be. Healthy connections don't make you question whether you're something that should be celebrated or something that you should be hidden. Like healthy connections don't work like this. This is not healthy connections, friendship or situation or relationships. Anyone that is hiding you, never, like you are just like not mentioned hidden. And you find that they're even sometimes, maybe they're restricted to you on their accounts. You're like, what? What are you doing? What is that? Well, they've got, they want to look like they're this open person. It's just, look at me. I'm single. Give me all the attention. And they, that's what they're after. They're not after anything. But you think they are. You might have that connection behind closed doors. But again, you're hidden. So, to finalize, I kind of went on a little bit of a, a tangent then. But going back to the clarity, just reminding you that social media isn't a relationship, but definitely can reveal your position in that person's life. And that healthy relationships don't mean. You ever, ever question, you just know that person wants to celebrate. Yeah, I look at my friends that post me all the time on their timelines and it's amazing. And I look at, you know, different situations from the past. And I go, hmm, it's interesting. But at the end of the day, it's how it makes you feel. And if you are seeing someone or you care about someone, you've had connection with someone and it's meaningful and enriching. And you have a clip, and they are intentionally not doing, not showing you off, not public. It's because, like I said, going back through those points briefly, it's because, well, first of all, remembering that privacy and secrecy are not the same. So don't fall for the privacy bullshit. Number two, sometimes that connection is real, but that person doesn't want to define it publicly, usually because that they want to have options. Point three, social media is basically reflective of people's lives now in the sense of that's where we see the truth of people. They, it's a digital world. We share the connections now. So if someone's hiding you, why is that? People hide you, like I said, again, because they're keeping their options open and obviously point five, the real issue is how it's making you feel. It shouldn't make you feel like that. And when someone, when you do meet someone by the way that is wanting to show you off, it's not even showing you off. It's just acknowledging the connection in a public sense, and it doesn't mean you have to post that person all the time. It's just there's a difference between, like I said, I can't emphasize it enough to the privacy and the secrecy. You know secrecy, you feel it in your bones when someone is intentionally erasing you from their public arena. Okay, this is a red, effing flag, my love. If you need help with this, book a call with me, one to one, clarity call, DM me. But I hope this podcast has been helpful for you. Please share these podcasts. I am so glad you're here. You have been listening to relationships, the good and the messy. And I will be back in a couple of days with a new podcast. Stay tuned guys.