Ian Fidance is a shocker, dude! | Whiskey Ginger

Welcome back to whiskey ginger a wave series presented by fan dual hello out there in podcast land. I got a couple of shows that I'm doing left Until I maybe take some time off this fall who knows and this summer. We'll see I've only got three shows June 28th. I'm doing two shows in San Diego June 28th at the sound in Del Mar that's North County come see about me. And then July 24th. I'll be at St Charles Missouri right next to St. Louis, the mayor of star casino. It's only a couple of shows don't know if I'm planning on doing more until 2027. Either way come out and see me. Andrew Santino dot com. Those tickets Andrew Santino dot com. Ginger, I like ginger. Let his job. Welcome back to whiskey ginger. My guest is one of my favorite people on earth. I said that for all my guests, but I mean once again today. It's Ian fight ends. He just flew in. Yes, to smell. I said, are you here? He said, I am. I'm just a little stressed because my mom got knee surgery, speaking to smell. I was on the flight with Henry. Kevin Cav, the Henry Winkler and Kevin Hart. Yeah. And they were sitting next to seal. I'm whenever going to survive. And speaking of smell. A you heard it here. He kept farting on the blade, she'll fart it on the flight. Yeah. And when Cav told me that seal was sitting next to them. So I like snaked my way through all the different sections to get up to Delta one. And I was basically sitting on his lap just to Lincoln seal. And she'll bend over to pick something up. I saw the crack. I was like, I'm about to get a kiss from a rose, but this is going to be something. That's crazy. Yeah. Wait a minute. So the boys were in Delta first class. And you weren't. No. Who do these guys think they are? I mean, I have so many like upgrade. You know, like Delta, my diamond. So I always gamble on the upgrade. You hope you get it. Hope I get it. And usually it works out. And this time it did not. And I missed out on seal. What number were we talking? 30s, 40s. How far back? 33 F. F is what window for frankly, you're out of, frankly, this is one of the more seats we have. Frankly, you're going to sit next to a woman whose dog should itself. Yes. And a crying baby. And your bladder is going to go on the fritz. You're going to get in trouble for using the Delta one bathroom. And they tell you to use the other news. They want me here now. So I'm going to use it. And then you hear the whisper about you. And then they don't bring you the riddle. It's crackers. It is so crazy that there's like bathroom. It's the, it's a, I have to piss people. Let people be wherever they have to be. It is so like glass warfare on. It is. It's what the way they treat you when you're not in first class is hilarious. He legitimately get said, I'm going to be frank with you. This is only for Delta one customer. So you're going to have to go to the back. And I said, well, I'm not going to because I'm here right now. But I'll keep that in mind for the next time. Also, you know that it's all suggestion based, you know, that's right. Like they can't legally, it's just them saying, worked asking you please obey this fake rule. So was it was it a gold shitter in there? To the last time I flew to LA though, they spilled a tray of drinks on me. And the flight attendant felt so bad. She let me wear her change of clothes. And I wore cut off jeans shorts and like, uh, shaw my entire flight while they dried my clothes. Do you have a picture of this? Yeah, sexy. I want to see if I find it. I wore, I wore jeans shorts and I would not give them back. How funny were you in those jeans? And these are mine. Give me a blanket. We have the same way on Jack, Jack. I was coming back from Reykjavik, Iceland. And I was nodding off. And I had like my couple water one. Yeah, I'm chasing the horse. Yeah, my couple water was in the, like the middle divide between the two seats. And my hand was like this next to it. And the flight attendant touched me and it woke me up like this. And I spilled all over myself. She woke me up to see if I wanted to eat. I was like this and soaking wet. So she was like, oh my god. Oh my god. I'm so sorry. I was like, it's okay. I mean, it was literally a full couple water. So I just, I had to get, I got a blanket. And then I pulled my pants down. So I was just sitting naked under a blanket the entire flight. Make no underwear. No, because it was soaking wet. It soaked all the way through to my underwear. It was a, it was a comical cup of water. It was like 16 ounces. You're like, how, why did they even serve this? And she didn't offer to have you wear her clothes. Delta. You're the best. She's the last one on the flight back from Ozzy completely drenched with wine, because the lady in front, when she put her seat back, it spilled immediately. And I, they gave me pajamas to wear really on on the flight back to Australia. Quantus. Quantus. Yeah. That's right. They hook you out and give me a bunch of blankets and more wine. That's so nice. I have to do the blanket change of clothes on the Jersey Transit. Because I wore shorts and it got chilly. And I did put my jeans on. You also can't wear shorts on stage. I used to. It's illegal. No, you can't do my special wearing shorts on stage. I know. We've talked about it. I can do it. Yeah, because you have tattoos on your lips. Yeah, yeah. And it looks like it looks like pants pants. It's like you're wearing Ed Hardy pants. Yeah, Ed Hardy, jaggies. It's me. We'll show you a picture of of Ian's back. He came in and showed me his back. He just got his back done. Yes. I hugged him too hard. He said, oh, that's okay. When you said I got my back done, I thought something happened like something you got hurt. Oh, no, just emotionally and I'm taking it out with tattoos. When you run out of space, then what do you do? You're almost done. Dude, you're going to go neck and face. Never. Well, I just got this. That's what does that say? I hate black. I hate blacks. What? He fucked the S.O. So now it just sounds like I'm talking about my neighbor Kevin. I mean all. Fade to black. Great. Great album. Great song. Great song. Yeah, it's beautiful. That's why you did it. A friend of mine took his own life and we always talked about standing back. He had a metallic tattoo and I talked about getting used. He'd always be like, you getting it, you get one, you get one. So I got one. Well, he's gone. He can't see it. No, he probably can wherever he is. Hello. What's his name? Hello. What was his first name? Name's Bo. Bo. We love you, Bo. Love you, Bo. How about this? Bo, if you're listening and you can hear us, do something right now in the studio. McCone, your cock is out. Oh, my God. He's on a flight home from Reykjavik. I would love to be a mischievous ghost. Dude, so funny. We just did a whole thing about this. Really? We just we shot. We shot a short. We can talk a little probably because it'll never, it also he'll never see it. What is it? Bobby did a, Bobby did a movie called Karate Ghost. And when he have revealed to us that he's doing a movie called Karate Ghost, we were like, he already shot, he already shot. Yeah, like recent. It's not like straight to VHS. Oh, no, it'll go straight to VHS. Yeah, but they have it. It's it's completed, but there's no release date set yet. But he came back from like a three day shoot and he was like, I broke my, he doesn't do Asian accents anymore rule on this movie or like, Oh, what movie? And he goes Karate Ghost. So we were dying laughing because that's the funniest name I've ever heard of my fucking life. And I was like Karate Ghost. And then he, McCone was like, I think we should like shoot a fake short and tell him that we got an early release of Karate Ghost. And I played Bobby and the, and this town sheriff, and he wrote the script and we shot it. We went out to the desert, shot it in two days. That's so funny. I'll send it to you. We'll show it to you. Oh, dude, that is great. It's so we're going to, and it's me fighting. I'm like, well, oh, you ghost. It's me fighting ghosts. And there's like samurai and people get arms chopped off and a heart gets ripped out. It's pretty great. That's incredible. We just shot it on. Wow. We are. Sympatic. Sympatic. I want to be a mischievous ghost. You are a Chinese ghost. No, I'm fighting. I'm a karate ghost. Oh, you fight the ghost. Yes. Oh, I thought you were a ghost that does karate. Well, the ghost who tries to kill me does do karate. He's extremely skilled. I can't see it. But I, we do see, did you do karate as a kid? No, no, no, really? No, no, no, I had a bunch of friends. I did not. I played basketball based. Oh, no, friends. No, I just think karate was, I didn't understand it. But the kids who did karate, I knew I wasn't like them. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, like Boy Scouts. The majority of kids who did karate ended up doing also pills. I went and saw three ninjas in theaters. And I don't know where I heard this from. But I heard that the producers wound up finding them like at a karate expo at a mall or something. And they asked them to do it. Really? So I went home to my house in Wilmington, Delaware. And for a week, just a karate on my front lawn, hoping some pedophile executive for Bollywood came along. He was like, you want to be in the film's kid? I'd be like, you bet. You know it, sir. Yeah. And my parents were just like, yeah, go, go. Rocky. Yeah, why don't you go? Why don't you? Rocky loves Emily. Tom, Tom, Tom and Colt. Yeah. God, dude. And what a mean guy, Snyder. Was that his name? Yeah, he was a bad guy. Schneider, Schneider. Schneider? Schneider. Schneider. It was Rob Schneider. Take it back. Take it back. Take it back. Take it back. Take it back. Take it That they're trying to take back, doesn't someone get kidnapped and they try to go get them back again? Their dad is like an FBI guy trying to take Snyder down and the kids want to help because they learn karate from their Uncle Mori. But Uncle Mori used to be friends with Snyder because he trained them and they find out. So then the guys try to kidnap the kid, that's what it is. And then they end up foiling the plan using their special masks. We know someone that produced that movie, isn't that kind of crazy? All those years ago, yeah, he works in the studio sometimes, his dad, is that crazy? Yeah, I know he was working on some kind of a sequel. Well, he wanted to do the sequel. Yeah, we can't talk about it. Isn't that wild? When I think about those old movies that shaped your childhood, you go back and you watch them again. They were all sleepover movies. They were watching it sleepover. Do kids have sleepshacked up? No, nobody does that. I talked to my friends of kids and we do not let our kids sleep at people's houses. We don't know what the other kids are going to do to them. We don't know what the parents do. I guess the kid never leaves the home. And I'm like, dude, everybody needs to get molested. That's what you got all those tattoos. Yeah, these are all the times I was touched. These are all the times Tony popped his cock in my mouth and sleepover. And look at you now. It saved you. Did it? Yeah. Really? Because I'm about to fade to black. Don't do it. No. Stick around. You have a show this week. I have a show this week. Yep. This show, this will be out after it's done. But everyone's in town for Netflix as a joke. Yes. I have a travel show, too. What? Say it. Ian doing. An odd guy doing odd jobs. Ian doing. Ian doing. You're like Mike Rowe. It's literally dirty jobs. I meet daytime and slum. I meet like simple life. I go to different towns. People show me how to do their jobs. I do their jobs with them. That's great. It's awesome. I worked at the last blockbuster on Earth. Where is it? In Washington. And Washington. And Oregon. Oh, Oregon, that's right. I knew it was a Pacific Northwest. Yeah. I was an oyster farmer in Pemakwin, Maine. I did head of security, the comedy mother ship. And I wore a foot to head tactical gear. And at night vision goggles. And I had a whip and a pole with an American flag and a spear. And I was defending the sanctity of Killtony. The greatest fucking security guard of all time. Oh, yeah. Dude, I was wander. We attached the security one on the American flag spear. And I was making people spin around like eight times. I got lost in the mother ship and did like a Blair Witch. Like, don't tell Joe. Please don't tell Joe. As you say, did Joe know you were doing this? Dude, his head of security was like, we didn't tell Joe. He doesn't kind of get, you know, like humor stuff like this sometimes. And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he was the biggest podcast in the world doesn't get humor. You're right. He would not like that though. Yeah, yeah. I could hear him being like, what the fuck is going on? Yeah. And like children we'd all be like, I don't know. Ian was, yeah, I don't even know. And I just walk away immediately. Yeah. Ian, that was Ian's bit. He was one woman. We were filming at like five before they opened the doors. And I was on the street like yelling. And an old woman thought that I was ice. And she was like, and she trepid fell on the sidewalk. And I picked her up. And I was like, see how good the security is at the mother jump. We're helping. Yeah. Dude, I'm having so much fun. Did you, are you financing this whole thing? You're traveling all around the country. I financed it for like a year. And then it got picked up by YMH. So they're producing it. That's awesome. So they're helping me out. And it goes out on my channel and their channel. And they're like super into it. And it's so fun. I'm doing something with a ring of honor and AW coming up. I'm going to like learn how to wrestle and then like build the ring and everything. You know, like do a live show. So fun. Yeah. Really? So stoked. Wow. And they're going to teach you how to cut a promo. A bunch of the women wrestlers are going to beat me up. What's your name? I don't know. What's your name be? What's your my wrestling name be? The rebel rouse. You want something with a little, a little iteration? I love a little iteration. The jump in you. What? Say it. Whatever it is. Whatever it is, dude, say it. Go ahead and say it. No, I just over the top. Like become the iron cheek of Israel. I'm going to fuck you in the ass. Haga Hogan. Yes. I put the Yahoo. And then Yahoo. That's a promo I'd watch. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah, they're going to teach me how to cut a promo. I'm so fast. I'm so stoked. Yeah. It's kind of cool. That, but that lifestyle now is so subdued because it now, look, it's always character based. But you read some of those stories about the old days and you're like, how are all these guys not that, so many of them did die. I mean, you're like, how are all of them not dead? Not only die, but they died while they were alive. Like they lived a horrible, horrible wrestling life. Yeah, like Andre, the giant stories, that documentary about him was like super sad. They were like, everyone's bragging. He's like, he started with the case of beer, like, that's a bad thing. That's a really bad thing. Yeah, they're like, I know. They're so funny. Drink nine bottles of wine. He drive. He drives. He's the giant sobbing. Yeah. It's insane. Yeah. Yeah. But they, but all the stories are so tragic because they lived such a dark, dark reality. And they were, and so, well, a lot of those guys were living in so much pain that they were like, well, I'll just keep getting fucked up every night. Yeah. think about it. - I think it's about it. - It'll make me better and then let alone the CTE, the of it all, and the whole Chris Ben Wathen. - Chad. - And, you know, that was obviously faked. But anyway, (laughing) Anyway, watch Ian do. - Yeah, Ian do, and not guy doing our jobs. Every other Tuesday, youtube.com/eanfinancecomedy. - Don't flick off the, I don't know why you have to flick off the face. - Now is to anyone that-- - That won't watch supported Chris Ben Wathen. (laughing) - Yeah, that's to anyone that won't watch. - That's exactly right, you have to give, sometimes you have to give up. You have to give people the finger once in a while, but I do feel like you reach an age where the fingers-- - The fingers know that. - You can't do it, yeah. Like, I can't see my dad giving somebody the finger. - I like the finger juxtapose with a smile. - Smile, that's genius. But actually intentionally fully being like, that, ugh. - That's a gap, right? Like when you're young, it's teenagers like, "Screw you, funny." But then you get into like your 30s, and it's like-- - That's like, have you ever met an adult that still does a shocker? - Wolf. - My mom. (laughing) - Check what's up boys. - Let's get in the picture, fellas. (laughing) Family photo. - No, but then there's a gap where it's not cool, but then I take it back, if my dad, if my dad was like, "Get fucked." I'd be like, "That's funny again." So there's a gap where you're like, it's weird and lame and immature, and then you're so old that it's cool. Like my dad is at the age where he doesn't care. Nothing, he couldn't care less. Like he doesn't care about appearances anymore. Like it just doesn't matter. - I love that. - Well, what is it fucking it's old? He's your old, it's over. You did all this shit. You don't need to like, play K-People anymore. - I know, I so importantly want a family, or it's to not care. (laughing) - Well, you find love in all the right places. - I'm swiping for love on all the right places. - Are you single right now? - Right now, yes. - Yes. - Yeah. - You sounded sad about it. - Oh, so sad. - It is funny though. You want to be in a relationship, then you get in a relationship, and then you're like, "I don't want to be in a relationship." And then-- - No, I diver. - You do? - You want to be in a relationship. - Because you get in them and you get out of them. And it's all your fault. - Well, I would have stayed in them if, you know, - I didn't love Coke and Cock, but-- (laughing) - What can you do? I look past every red flag ever! (laughing) - But you're a big green flag. - Me. - Yeah. - I think I am. - You're a sweet and daring guy. You're smart, you're funny. - Thank you. - You good at pool. I went back to that billiard's place that we went to that day too. - Really? - Was that Amsterdam, is that what it is? - Yeah. - I shot pool the other night for the first time in forever. - I went there because of you. - Because of you. - Someone was like, "Oh, let's go play pool." This was crazy. This is nuts. They were like, "Oh, yeah, I think there's another, "there's a pool hall, X, Y, Z," and then I was like, Ian took me his place, Amsterdam. We let's go right there. It's not that far from where we were. - Oh, that's great. - And then we went there and Chad Smith met up with us. - What? - From the Chili Peppers? - It was insane. - Shot off! - So where'd it go? - You hung out with Chad Smith from the Cheap Paps. - He beat the living shit out of all of us in pool. - Oh! - He was fucking unru-- He was friends with a friend of ours, and he was like, "Yeah, Chad's gonna come." And I was like, "Oh, as if I knew who Chad was." - That rules! - It was insane. When he came, I was like, "Oh!" And then he's like, "Are you gonna pool?" And I was like, "Not really." I mean, no, I can play pool. But he was like, "Oh, well, you know." All right, let's try. And he fucking smushed me. I think I got one shot, and he was just like, (whooshing) - Clean the living foam with it, or was he pissed that you weren't good? - No, after he beat me, I just got a beer and watched. Yeah, I was like you guys play. I'm not gonna learn how to I played the opening lick to Scar tissue. And I played it on the phone for my eighth grade girlfriend, and then she broke up with me two days later. - You do imagine-- - That's why she broke up with you. - Probably, I also was like a bad kisser, I guess. - You were a bad kisser? - In eighth grade, yeah. - How were you now? - Fantastic. - Now was the bad kiss, did it get around school? People were like, you know Ian's a bad kisser. Did she tell people? - Bro? - Oh no. - Not even around school. My birthday's December 31st, sophomore year, I went to New Year's Eve party, and all the girls lined up to give like a New Year's birthday kiss to me, and it was literally kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, by the time I got to the end of the line, word got around that I was a bad kisser. It was so embarrassing, and I was wearing a Mr. T shirt that his Afro Mohawk like was bubbly on the shirt. - Awesome. - And it was like, I'm pretty beautiful. Like, oh, my best Jinco's on, dude, I was so embarrassed, I faked a stomach ache, and it was my mom to pick me up from the party. And then this girl, shout out, I, I, maybe, I don't know if she's a king, she's a queen. - Just say her first name. - Jess, she took me to a red Honda Civic at a party, like two months later, and was like, look, we gotta fix this. Let me show you how to kiss. And we made out in her car, and she taught me, and ever since then, I've been told I'm a fantastic kisser. God bless, appreciate you. - You know what Jess? - Shock up, dude. - Shock up, shock it out. I was shocked that you took me in your tutelage. - Was she same age or older than you? This sounds like a thing an older chick. - Same grade older. - Yeah, it sounds like an older girl would be a king. - It was such a solid move, dude. - There was a girl. - You never, I, did you know what to do with your tongue? I didn't know what to do with the mouth. - No, I mean, my dad taught me, and then-- (laughing) - No, but I'll tell you this reminded me of a story when I was in high school and an older girl who lived like in my neighborhood, who I totally had a crush on, but I thought she's older, you know what I mean? And she would pick me up and take me to school sometimes, and she drove stick like hottest shit ever. - So cool. - And only after when we were both in college, and like saw each other back home, was she like, I had a massive crush on you, and you never made a move at all. And I was like, I was a scared little boy, then I did, yes. But I was like, how did you not sit? She goes, every, I was throwing so many signals to you. I picked you up and took you to school. Like I wore the shortest dresses when I saw you. I was like, I know, I thought you were just like, a cool hot chick. The older, older hot chick in your mind, you're like, that's impossible. That's an impossible find. I can't get that. - That happened to me. A girl, great older, I would go to her beach house. I was in a band with her older brother, and then she and I would stay up all night talking. - But you thought no chance. - And I'm just like, wow, she just likes conversation. - Yeah, I don't know. Well, 'cause when you're at high school, you're like the older brods, like older dudes. They're not really not looking down at dorky us, but sure enough, and you ended up smooching. - Yeah, we did. - It's fantastic. - Oh, so how did I learn how to kiss good? - Yeah. - My friend, who was my neighbor, and my neighbor and her and I, we literally taught, we were like learning together. - That's great. - And we made a bet when we were young that if we were not married by a certain age, we would have gotten married. We did that thing. - That's cute. - Yeah, and then what happened? - She's gay. - Whoa. - No, no, I'm gay. Shit, I got that wrong. (laughing) - I always got that confused. - No, we both grew up and met people, but it's funny because she was like my best friend. She was also a tomboy and beat every dude in the neighborhood at sports. I'm not kidding. Every dude that was like, I'm faster than her. Smoked. I'm better at her than basketball. Killed. I mean, she was unbelievable. - It reminds me of my neighborhood best friends. They were all girls. - Like everybody up. - Everybody up. - They were like so good at sports. - Yeah, are people good at sports anymore? I don't know. Unless you're like in a program. But now they put their kids in these like, programs. - Travel leagues and the kids have like, trainers, coaches, like insanely expensive, like elbow gear and those like oven mitts so they don't break a finger sliding. - We just had some fat guy in the neighborhood who coached us and yelled at us a lot. - Yeah, and we all had aluminum bats and an army bag that the guy used in Vietnam. (laughing) - We would just like go through drills and then. - Look, is there blood on this Tim? - He's like, don't worry about him. - Yeah. - It's not a big deal. - It's not mine. You have blood on everything, man. - You don't know anything about the vehicle. You don't understand what you're doing. In here, we pull, whistle, whistle. - Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, basketball. The playoffs are here and boy oh boy. 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Offered by Fandoah prediction markets, LLC, a registered futures commission merchant, 18 plus bonus is nonwithdrawable and expires seven days after receipt. Training derivatives involve significant risk and may not be suitable for all investors. Manager activity with our consumer protection tools restrictions apply, see terms at fandoah.com/predicts, slash bonus, hyphen offer, hyphen terms. - Thank you. I like to interest you. - Dude, this girl, yo, speaking of like girls training and like helping, I dated this girl in like 2005 and the first time we had sex. I came and I was like, cool, thanks. Good night. And she like, I swat, dude, I rolled over and then I just felt this thing looking at me and I rolled over and she was like, don't ever do that again. You don't get off without me getting off. I was like, what? - Right, she was like, you don't do that. - Right. - That's fucked up. And then she taught me to like always get her off and then now I'm like, I have to get the other person off. - Yeah. - And I like doing that first so then I don't have to perform. - It is nice to knock it out. - Yeah. - It's nice to get out of the way. - Yeah, and then you're like, it's kind of like rushing your teeth when you first wake up because I wanna. - You're doing your homework when you get home from school in a Friday. You're the whole weekend. - Damn fun. (laughing) - Yeah. - Do you brush your teeth in the shower? - No. - Is that weird I do? - I'll leave if I'm late. - I always do. - Uh-oh. - I think I'm just killing two birds. - I was brushing my teeth while packing today. - I'll brush my teeth on the run all the time at the house but if I can get in the shower and get a nice hot steam in there, I love just standing there with the water on me brushing my teeth. - Really? - I love it. - So do you keep your toothbrush in the shower? - No, so I've got a holder in the wall cut out. - So I can put it in there when I'm done. And then when I get out of the shower I grab it and put it on in the shower. - You put glory on your shower. - Is that not a normal shower? - I mean. - You don't have a glory hole? - No, I have to go to one. I don't have a glory hole. (laughing) - A comedy's doing pretty well for me now, right? (laughing) - Yeah, I do shave in the shower. I don't shave. - I don't shave. - Strictly, only, clean guy in the shower. I don't do anything else in the shower. - I don't shave. - No, I mean, I don't ever shave. I trim the beard over the sink. But I just love brushing my teeth in there 'cause I like the hot water on my neck. I don't know what it is. And also, then I just can't get sloppy spitty everywhere when I'm really getting in there, just dripping everywhere, I don't think about 'em. When I'm on the move and I'm brushing around my house, when I'm doing something with a dog and cleaning up and getting ready to go-- - Oh yeah, you have the brushing in your mouth and then forgot about the drool and everything. - Drops of toothpaste all over my house. Like I've found them all. Like it'll be on my shirt, on my pants, and then by the kitchen. Do you ever do that? Like you drop toothpaste or like spill a coffee and then you're like, "God, I would never be able "to get away with murder." (laughing) - Hey, I have so many things to clean. - I don't know these. - It's crazy. - So much DNA all over this place, yeah. - Yeah, you know what, you wouldn't be a good murderer. You would tell someone right away. You'd be like, "You're not gonna believe what I just did." - Yeah, yeah. - I'd be late somewhere and I'd be like, "Tut, sorry, I was just, oh my god." - Oh my god, I just stabbed a guy. And then you know when you're like, stabbing over and then your hand slips, I end up cutting myself. - Look at my DNAs everywhere. - Stab cut. - Why do you think I got the band-aid? - It is funny that people that got caught now on the internet from murder. They always are googling what they need. They're always like, "How do I get rid of a body?" They Google it. - Oh, dude, it's crazy. - And they all do it. It's like you hear this story all the time. They're always like, "Does acid melt bodies? "Where can I buy acid?" They're like, "Chatchy PT." Well, also we have so much ring-cap for it, security footage, camera phones, everything. So you get to see these idiots reactions when they caught, when they get caught being told, we know you murdered someone. - No, they're like, they're like, "Oh, crazy, crazy." Oh, crazy. - How did you guys know? I mean, there's so much evidence. You went to a home depot. You said, "Hey, I killed a guy. How do I get rid of him?" Hey, does my wife and child's body fint in this plastic drum? I kind of want to keep bagging my whore secretary and I just can't deal with divorce. I mean-- - I mean, uh, do you give discounts to veterans? (laughs) - They're like, "Yes, we do, sir." - Where are your tool builds? - No murder, no murder for you. - I don't think so. - No, you wouldn't do it. Except when you're on stage, shaker, shaker did, you are such a funny, funny, funny comedian. You're a funny little dirty boy. - You're a sweetie. - You're one of the funniest, dude. I don't, are you touring? What are you doing? Are you putting out a special road to, like, die, man? I'm on the road, I think I have like two weekends off till January. Ian, finance.com, particulates. - Ian, finance.com, please proceed. - Oh, McCone saw me in Chicago. - Where? - At Zane's, and I did like an improvised set with the piano, and I had this guy come on stage and play the piano, and so I'm putting that out on my YouTube in like two weeks, and then-- - Zane's old town? - Yeah. - Awesome. - The best. - Awesome. - I love it so much. I love that club so much. - It's just such a cool, I don't know. We were talking about that the other night, about old clubs that still have the thing inside of them that you just can't replace. - You're never gonna be able to build it again. - The spirit. - Yeah, it's so funny. - I don't know what it is about old comedy clubs. I like the dirty stinky-- - I've seen the way about the Hartford Funnybone. - No. (laughing) - I was waiting. I was like, go for it, man. - Yeah, dude, I don't know what it is about Zane's old. I think it's just like so compact, long but tight, and it just has this like feel to it. And I think it does, it exists because it has so many old headshots of like the guys that were huge at the time when the club opened, and you just have this feel, it's a feeling that doesn't exist at a bunch of other places. - It's just hard to duplicate that stuff. That's like your favorite restaurant, you know? And when they do upgrades sometimes, like if I go back to a place I've been a long time and they've like upgraded, I'm excited. - I hate it. - I hate it. - Yeah, I don't, you didn't need to upgrade, it was fine. - Yeah. - No, we wanna, you know, now we do Brussels sprouts. - You like it. - Leave it. - All right, leave it. - By the way, that's such a fucking scam. The greatest new food scam is Brussels sprouts. You know, we go to these waves of everybody wants a thing and every fucking gastropub in you. - Oh, hey, who's Brussels sprouts PR team? (laughing) Who's, who's trying to get that out there? - I hate 'em so much. - Yeah, look at that. - Every somebody orders 'em, I'm like, what is that? What's this gig for? - I'll be honest, Maple Glazed Brussels sprouts? Good. - Maple glazed, anything is gonna be good. He's like, oh, we have Maple Glazed asparagus, you're like, I mean, I guess I'll try it. - Oh, it gets a bad rap or people don't talk about enough and I've been a proponent of this bok choy. - Love a good bok. - Garlic seared bok choy. - Love a good bok. Love a good bok in a soup. Bok in a ramen, love bok in a ramen. - I make, dude, I make garlic and I crisp the garlic up and then I put the bok choy on. (laughing) - I want you to come over and cook something. ♪ Why would you ever choose to leave me ♪ - Girlfriend, ex-girlfriend. (laughing) - Were you a Coachella? That's a, yeah, you performed, right? - Yeah. - Yeah, you did pretty good. - Thank you. - Main stage? - Main stage. - Wow. - You and me. - Me and Bebes, I have the same PR as Brussels sprouts. (laughing) And they got me the gig. (laughing) - Yeah, they're pushing you guys on a big time. - I could see going to a meeting with some firm or whatever you like. Just did a Brussels sprouts campaign and we actually got them into every restaurant. So, you know, we think we could do something with kind of you're like bisexual mania, kind of like working man, not feminine, alpha, energy that kind of could see you maybe doing something, you know, like you're like kind of maple glazed yourself. - I'd be like, okay, that's my thing. - You are kind of maple glazed. Because you are your sweet, but your stiff, you're a man, but you're a boy. - Tough. - And you're tough. - You're sensitive. - Yes. - And you're funny, but you're an idiot. - Choice, I make. - It is. - It's a bold choice. - You're gonna be smart to be dumb. - You gotta be dumb to be smart. - You have to be. - Is that John Prine? - I think if it's gonna be dumb, you're gonna be tough. - Yeah, if you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough. - You'd like John Prine? - There's flies in the kitchen. - In spite of ourselves. - There it is. - What's the P4 on the hat? - Pussy. - Pussy. - What is F4? - Pussy. - Come on. - It's a Philly thing for Pussy. - No, it's Philly. It was their P logo from 1934 to 1935. - That's the original Philly's logo? - No, they had like other ones, but they only had this for one year. - That's fantastic. It looks like calligraphy. - Thank you, yes, that's why I like it. I love the Detroit D, and I was wearing that hat for a while, and I would say it's for Delaware. But nobody listened to me. - It is for me. - Now I say it's for Philly, and everybody goes, "No, it's for Pussy." Everybody knows you love Pussy. - They do. - They do? Joe, name of the episode obviously is Ian Fighters loves Pussy. - Oh, no, please don't, no. - Please do. - I'm trying to distance myself from all of that. (laughs) - Oh, you're going to guys? - No, just from like being like sex guy. - Oh, okay. Well, you are kind of a sex guy. - I'm an everything guy. - Yeah, and now what, now you don't want to eat anymore. You want love. - I do want love, I'm a lover boy. I'm in my lover girl era. - So what is this? You think it's the seasons, summer's coming, and you're, so a lot of people want to be single in the summer. You want to be tied down. - I don't look at his tie down. I look at his interlocked. - Wow. - I want to be interlocked. - You need it. - I think I need to be-- - Are you on all the apps? - No, I'm not on anything. - I think I need to be by myself for a while because I think I can, I stayed out of things for like five years and I just was in something that was so like addictive and like almost like a high with how-- - Love is a drug. - Love is a drug. - It's unbelievable. - You kind of, dude, did you change? - Oh, dude. I canceled half this Netflix trip to go spend the weekend with her in Boston and thank God-- - Idiot. - She cheated on me and I got everything back. - Yay, so-- - Oh, thank God. - You know, rejection is a conception. What's it called, rejection? Rejection is, inception, rejections, acceptance. - Rejection is redirection. - Hmm. I like some of the other ones. Rejection is acceptance. I like that. Rejection is acceptance that you kind of soft sometimes. And that's fine. Rejection is some other guy's erection that girl was on. - Fuck you, McCone, you piece of shit. - Sorry. - Sorry, sorry, sorry. - Did you catch her with the dude? - No, it was, I don't really know what to do, but it was, it's for the best and it wasn't gonna work out. It was a long distance, she lived far away and it was just like, you know, like face timing all the time and you get kind of in that mode of being with us. So breaking that routine has been kind of like a, - Did you do phone sex? - Tough. - Yeah. - FaceTime phone sex? - Mm-hmm, did you ever do that? - Yeah, it's fun. - It is. - Yeah, it's fun. - It is. - It's fun if everyone's in. - And it's fun when you don't worry about your angles. - I mean, I would imagine women do worry about the angles more than we do. - That's so funny, 'cause I worry about my angle. (laughing) - I said women. - You do, you are fluttering. - You think about the angle stuff. - I think about the angles, yeah. I gotta be like a pie or like, the first time we did it, I was like feeling really good and then we were like both there and I dropped my phone. I was like, "Oh, wait, what?" (laughing) And then it's just like, when there's noise on my phone, my cat will pull at it. So she's like, "Where are you?" I just came, "Oh my God." My cat's like, "Oh my God." (laughing) And the Beniole theme song's funny. (laughing) - Your cat's just nosing the camera over and over. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - But no, I mean, it was like, it was what it was. I'm glad it happened. It sucks it ended that way. Maybe time will be like pals about it, but it's just like, you know, too raw right now, but I'm still in that mode of like, "God, I miss like my friend, you know?" - Yeah. - You'll get back there. - But a friend doesn't treat someone like that. - Yeah. - Yeah, you're gonna get back with a new friend. You're gonna find what you deserve. I mean, you living on the road's gotta be a nightmare. - Well, that's the thing too. The writing was kind of on the wall. She didn't really wanna travel. She didn't wanna leave the town she was in. And it's like, "Well, what are we doing then?" - You're turning by yourself, and then are you opening for a tell, too? - No, I just saw a headlining on my own. - But didn't you go out with Dave for a long time? - Yeah, he kept me alive for like six years. - And then what now you never will go out with him again? Or he doesn't. - No, I would. You know, my schedule is, you know, I'm like headlining every weekend, so it's opening for him is, it's conflicting schedules, you know. - Yeah. - But it is so funny. - I miss being with him on the road so much. - It's so much fun. - It's so funny, being a headliner is great, but you're like, so nice to go open for someone and just hang out. - I know, yeah. - Especially him because we keep the same hours and everything and like, you know, we would just like sit and change smoke until the sun comes up and it was like so nice and fun. - You go to bed at what time? - I'm a lot better now, but for a while, it was between like four and six. - Damn. - What is it now? - Midnight, one in the morning. - Now it's probably like two or three, you know. - And you wake up at what time? - Probably nine, 30. And then, I get to snooze, nine, 37, because this snooze is every seven minutes and then I get out about at 3 p.m. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I wake up at 9.30 and I'll putts around and then I'll like take a nap later in the day before I have to do my next thing and then I kind of sleep and shift sometimes, you know. But do you like an oil rigger? Yeah. Well, you're like an oil rigger, sorry I didn't get it. Yeah, but I mean, dude, the schedule is like so. It's like appealing to a partner for like a minute and then they're like, oh, this kind of sucks. You know. Yeah, because it's hard on even us. You're like, I don't know how people want to be with this thing because you're coming home so intermittently and then when you are gone, a lot of times, too, it's like when I'm on the road, even when we talk because you want to talk because you miss, you're also so kind of like it travel mode in your mind. You're doing shit that you're like, oh, I gotta go talk to you later, I gotta fucking go. But also, there's that thing you hear the sad in their voice of like, I miss you, I wish you were here and that makes me feel like helpless because I want to like fix and make feel good. Yeah. So it makes me feel like an impotent when I'm like, whoa, I wish I was there, too, nothing you can do, you know. So I have to like, I had to be like, okay, instead of saying you miss me, for me to make it not so tough and for you to it would be better if you were to say like, I'm so excited to see you. And I think, you know, I made jokes and it didn't end well or whatever but there was a connection to me and this person had and it did show me what I want. I do want, I think I'm at the face where I do want a partner and I want to bring someone around with me. Like, I would love to have whomever I'm with, travel with me and like, do these weekends with me and make like the weekends like many vacations and fun stuff like that, you know, like that's what I would really like because it can get like so intensely lonely. Oh my God. And I don't want to be the guy that just like hooks up with someone on the road and, you know, I've been a tumbleweed blown through town before, okay. This tumbleweed is dumb blowing. Guys, unless, you got a hog, then I'm shucking, I'm shucking, I'm shucking, I'm f**king, I'm bouncing on that thing crazy style. Well, you put out a good advertisement, I really hope somebody fishes through this episode season and pitches themself to you. No, thank you. Because I, I, I, I, I'm going to be alone for a while. I don't want to be with you. I don't, why? That's why I'm here. I can't do it. It was a whole point of it. And now I just, I realized it. Nicole, and you have that sign I said that says we go to prom with me in 2026. Oh, dude, listen, it's such a hopeless romantic. This girl, I flew her out to divisive me the first time we met because we met on, she did, I mean, and the joke was that she was too good to be true and she was like, so beautiful and like, really into me and I'm like, this is a scam. You're like an Indian crypto guy. Like this is your name's Gardi. You might feel like you should make a count, dude, and turn out, please. So when, when she flew in, I got a ticket to, like, I got to cheap hundreds of our ticket to Ohio. So I could get through TSA, I mean, surprise, or her gate. That's pretty rad. Yeah. You, you bought a ticket just so you could be at the gate? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And I had a sign that said, Gardi, on it, when she got off the plane, because I would come with thought she was, yeah. And then on the other side, it said, I can't wait to be Gardi inside you. That's awesome. That's awesome. I'm a fun guy. You are a fun guy, dude. I'll find my princess, Prince Charming. Which one do you prefer? I just want a person that I have a connection with. Yeah. You know. It's a lot harder to meet people when, like, people are deep in their careers and they're successful, and they kind of have, they, they're more planted in who they are. I think that's harder. When you're young and you're all broke, that's the other thing, too. When you're young and you're all broke, you can pull someone way out of your league, because you're like, we're all poor. You're hot, but you're not rich. Yeah. I'm ugly, but I'm, we're all poor. Yeah. And you like me because I'm nice and funny. Yeah. And that's why so many athletes are, like, married to the girl they're with in high school, you know, like your day one, like, when you go to college. Yeah. Because they're like, well, they, they know me versus, you know, you're famous now, you're rich now. You know what I mean? And look at you, you're famous and rich now, and so good luck. I owe a lot of money to the higher ass. You don't pay your taxes. I do. No. Did you skip? Skip to my loo. Skip to my loo. Skip to my loo, dude. A little hopscotch. A little bit of, uh, what's his name? What's up? Snipes. Oh, sniping. Wessly sniping those things. Sniping them out. How long did he go away for? Wessly snipes got clipped. Yeah. I think he and I are in a couple different brackets. Well, no, I think it was just he owed so, yeah, 28 months in federal prison. I would love that. Go to club that for not filing returns from 90, 90, 2001. Only two years. One that's it? That's it. You're a deep shit. You're a deep shit. He was originally sentenced to three years, which he got two years. Two years. More than the amount of time. No, I'm fine. You get less for murder. That's crazy. Yeah. Murdered people get out in like five years. You're like, what? It's crazy. They're like, hey, you can't murder. We'll give you four and a half. This guy didn't pay his taxes. They're like, dude, this is, you're going away. You're in trouble, snipy. That's so fucked up to me. Yeah. It was only two years. Yeah. Not filing. Where is this all now? Did you? Is it hot? No. No. No, he's going to start sweating. No, I, uh, no, I'm paying them all. Everything's fine. Everything's fine. I'll find love again in Club Fed. You find love in prison? Oh my God. I found love in a hopeless place. No, no, no, no. I want to hold on to the inside of his pocket. That's my man. He don't make me. That's my man. Rej sure. Rej sure. What's your name be on the inside? What's your little cute name on the inside? Uh, uh, uh, jumpy guy. What? Jumpy guy. He goes jumpy guy. Hey, he goes jumpy. Hey, he goes jumpy. Jumpy, hey, he's jumping. Hey, hey, hey. If you grab him, you can fuck him. Oh, yeah. I put Vaseline on myself. Can't grab me. No. Slippery. Yeah. You call me slippery. And slippery. And there he goes. Slippery and that's the name. Slippery and slippery. And slippery and slippery. And that's the name. Oh, no. I got a tactical air choosing my name. Oh, no. He's telling all his boys on the yard. I had a dream you shared a pudding cup with someone else. You wouldn't do that to me. Would you? I'm your bitch. I noticed. I noticed. You've been leaving your kitchen shift earlier than I have. Is that just. I mean, I know there's distance, but there needs to be something that's done. brother's movie. Yeah. That they've already loved too hard. (laughing) - Aren't they doing another scary movie? They're running, it's coming out. - Yeah, it's about to hit theaters. - I'm so stoked, that's back. I hope that kind of comedy comes out like, goofy, stupid comedy needs to live again. - Do you need it, dude? We're so fucked, comedy's so weird now. It's like, just give me a golf ball. - Scary movie two in theaters. - Oh my God. - In Bethany Beach, Delaware, in like 2001, I just remember, like, like laughing to the point of, like, hurt. - It hurt. It was so fucking funny. And it didn't care. It doesn't take itself serious. - No. - Like, we have just, nothing is like that now. - You know, it's weird. I did, I saw a preview for it, and it mentions, like, pronouns and, like, non-binary stuff. And it's like, and, but those movies back then, they were funny for the sake of funny, and didn't mention anything, like, in the zeitgeist of the world. - Film is too, well, there were two aware. That's kind of the biggest problem. Because this thing, this thing's made like, everyone's so aware of everything all the time. It's like naked gun. I loved naked gun, and then they remade it, and it's a good, you know, it's like a good swing, but it's such a self-aware movie now. And I think the original's were so dumb, and they lived kind of in a vacuum. - Well, you gotta be smart to be dumb. - Hmm, if you're gonna be tough, you gotta be dumb. - Yeah, you need dumb shit. We need more dumb. - Dumb for the sake of dumb, not like dumb with a point. - Well, Theo and Spades movie did well. I mean, I think it made money, and it's dumb. It's a dumb movie about them trying to be waiters. - Dude. - And so it's like, that thing should continue on war. - Ricky Stinickey. - That was a dumb movie. - Craven, it was a dumb, dumb movie. It was easily fun, great throwback comedy. - Yeah, it was fun. It was such a dumb fucking movie. I was like, why is it? But then every time you pitch these things, people, like, it's just the machine is like, we don't know what to do with that. You know, like, people want it. You just have to give them something. They don't know they miss it yet, because you can't keep shelling out Avengers. What, were you looking up? - I'm just looking at budgets. - How much was the budget? - It says, a lot of the full information is now, 'cause it just recently came out, but it had a production budget of around $3 million. - Scary movie? - No, no, no, no, no, no. - Bustbook, bustbook. - But it was all self-finance. - $3 million and they made how much? I'm still going, I'm still finding it. - I think they made a lot of money on it. - I think they made, like, - Good for them. - But it's for us, 'cause we need to do it. That's what I want. I want you to call me, and I want to call my friends and be like, let's go make something really fucking dumb. - I mean, I would fucking love that, if I didn't owe so much money to the goddamn Iron Man. - Oh, it's nice, dude. - They're holding me back, man. - The man is holding you down 1.6 million, but it's only been out for a couple, and that's just from theaters, which is great. So once they sell it, deal with it, put it on the stream or hopefully. - Thanks a lot, Obama. - It's great, that's fantastic. - And it's just great that a comedy got a theatrical release at any capacity. That's a bummer about Stenic E, that didn't get one. - I know Amazon promised us we would. - Why didn't you? - 'Cause they lied. - The business is so funny. They're like, it's gonna be in the movies. And then got closer to it, and we're like, when's it come out? And they're like, we're working on it, but it's gonna be in the theaters. And they got even closer, and they were like, it's gonna be on Amazon. - What the fuck? - And we're like, I thought you said it was a whole, and they were like, yeah, no, yeah, it's not gonna be. It's just kind of like a shitty father who's like, I'll be there. And you're like, where were you? He was like, I didn't go. I didn't show up. - Oh, yeah. - And you're like, wait, but you told me you would, and they're like, yeah, I know. But we didn't. - Dad in the first act of a '90s family movie. - Right. - Shitty Dad, it works too much. - Yeah, before he changes. - Yeah, the dad and angels in the outfield. - Every '90s movie. - When we were with my family again, when the angels were independent, and when Ricky Stinickey hits theaters. (laughing) - Every shitty dad in every movie like that. Hook, hook, late to the kid's baseball game. Runnin' over. - Lier, liar. - Lier, liar. - Such a good theme. - I just rewatched Hook. - So good. - Mm. - So sick. - I used to see that guy who's livin' my neighborhood. - Rufio? - Yeah, really? - In West Hollywood, I'd see him all the time. - Whoa. - Bobby knows him. - Oh yeah, yeah. - He's still around. - I'm pretty sure. I mean, he's gotta be still acting, right? I mean, he's a young guy. He's only gotta be 50. He can't be much older than us. - He's not young. - 50? - 50's not young? - Yeah, you're on the money. He's 50. - He's 50 young? - Dante. - Dante, yeah. What do you mean 50, 50's young? - No. I've got a lot of time left. - Is 50 young? - In the film industry, dude. In the film and television. Yeah, 50 years. - I mean, in like the annals of life. - 30 more years, average? That's a long time. - Really? I feel like I'm so old. - But you, what do you want? - Yeah, but you display elder. - Oh. - Like you, you know what I mean? - What? - You smoke like it's over soon. - My pronouns are, huh? - And what? - Rosanne Bar, everybody. - Yeah. - Yeah, my pronouns are fucking you. (laughing) - Shut up. - My pronouns are, can I smoke in here? (laughing) - Yeah, but you project old. It's giving old. - I would like to think that I project wisdom. - Sort of an old guy would say. - Yeah. - We're the same age pretty much. - Yeah. - But we look old, we both look old in different ways. But do you still act young? Because I've had to reel that back of like throwing my body into insane. Like, I don't need to strat. Like I'm doing the two bears 5K on Saturday. - You're doing that. - I haven't run a 5K since high school. I'm running in these. What am I doing? - Yeah, that's a terrible idea. - What should I do? - Go get running shoes. - You think? - You're gonna hurt your body shoe. - Well, I'm thinking about not running and just speed walking. - What's I shoe you? - Mine. - I wouldn't give you some running shoes. - Give him some, like a 10. - Should I run? - No, even if you speed walk, don't do it in vans. - Really? - This is no support on these shoes. - Just with the fuck. - I'm like your dad right now, I wish. - Yeah, I would be. - Tell me it's gonna be okay. - It's not gonna be okay. Do you are gonna get hurt in those updates? - You think? - 100%. - That's so bad. It's flat-footed like that. - I'm about the content. - What about the content? - So I should get sneaker. 'Cause I wasn't gonna run. I was gonna speed walking. - Even still, that's a waste. - Yeah. - It's not for you. - It's so bad. - I was hoping about being so slow. 'Cause it's around a track, right? - You are slow. - Yes, it's around a track. - You gotta be smart to be. - You're smart. (laughing) It's on the track at the Rose Bowl. - Correct. - I was hoping being so slow that they think, like I could like skip a mile. - So you just do one lap and they're like, you did it. - Yeah, yeah. - That's really funny. You just do one slow lap and when you come back, they've all done what-- 5K is how far? How many laps? - 3.1 miles. - 3.2? - Yeah, a two mile. - One mile is four. - Two miles a day. - This four laps is a mile. - A rare cross-culture in high school. 2119 PR, what the fuck is your up? - It's not good. - Not good. I broke 16. - Really? - I was a good runner. - I ran in high school for a high minute. - Really? - Dude, I used to run as an adult every day until I heard my back and then I stopped. - Well, that's two nine. - I used to run seven miles a day, isn't it? - What? - Yeah. - How? - Where? - I would just catch the itch and I would just at night I'd be at home and then I'd be like, "All right, I'm gonna go." And I would just. - Yeah, I'd do that on the bike. I can't do that run. I can't run to save my bike. - I used to run in blackout. It was fun. You would just blackout from it. You disappear. - I'm, you know, like a big smoker. So I can't run, but I can ride a bike, great. - What are we gonna quit smoking? - We? What do you got a mouse in your pocket? - Fuck you talking about. - We? - Hmm. - Are you back in prison again? (laughing) That's prisonian. - Prisonian? - We do need to quit you and I. - Yeah. - I don't smoke that you should quit. - Hmm. - You know why I want you to quit? - I'm cutting back. - No, you're not. - Yeah. - What are you smoking a pack a day? - There's plenty of business. - Okay. - Pack a pack to two, and I was over two, and I'm in a pack to two. - So funny. You'll smoke two packs a day for 20 more years. I'll live all of us. - Well, God, I wish you. - It's meaningless. - It's not Bobby's office, Delaney. Bobby quit again, but I don't know if he's-- - That ain't come from, Amy. - I love an Amy every now and again. - It's just out of like year for the 50s. Bobby's off at Amy. - Oh, what's going on in the body? - What's going on in the body? - He's back on the smoke. - Is he still on the nicotine express? - Well, you'll go get him a pack of lucky strikes and he'll quit tomorrow. (laughing) - You know, yeah, he did, but you know, I know now that he's on the road, he's touring again. - Yeah. - I bet you smoke and I bet my bank account. 'Cause I know him, he's a little sneak away. He's an addict, right? And I know his addict habits. And I know because he's stressed and it's hard and it's a lot and it's heavy and it's pressure. I know he's sneaking away when Carlos and the boys aren't looking. And late at night, if he's up playing games, I bet you use crack in the hotel window and ripping heaters out of there. I guarantee you. - Oh, dude, I'll crack the hotel window. I'll cut the little screen open. - Yeah, I have to. Everyone I know that smokes does that. - Yeah. - No one's gonna go downstairs. - I know. - No, you're not gonna. (laughing) It's just so funny that it's like they pretend they're like, "We'll just walk down." And they're like, "No, just crack the windows." "Do you get hit with charges? Do they catch you?" - No. - No, they don't catch this guy. - Only people that have ever caught me is the IRS. - You're done, you're done for now. - No, no, I'm paying everything's fine. (laughing) - Say it's so unsure. - You know? - It's fine. - We'll be fine. - It's fine. - Anyway, we shouldn't say this out loud because this is listening to us. - Oh, oh yeah, yeah. - This thing is, well, this doesn't matter. - Oh, oh. -I-R-S doesn't watch Whiskey Ginger. -Oh, shit. -I asked him not to, politely. [ Laughter ] -See ya. - Hey, watch us, it though. - Yeah, of course they do. Fucking Palantir is probably a fucking psi-opt ad. - Hell yeah. This episode brought to you by Palantir and BlackRock. And we have one more. Monsanto also sponsors this show. - Yeah, Monsanto, don't worry about it. - Monsanto, just eat it, will you? (laughing) - Forget about it. - Yeah, just forget about it. - It's supposed to be that color. - Monsanto, you already have microplastics in your body. - Get over it. - We care. - Oh, that's like that documentary I talk about to everybody. Have you seen the devil we know? It's about how everybody on this earth has teflon in their blood. And it dates all the way back to the Korean more. - Really? - Every human on planet earth has teflon in their blood. - Why? - Because we use teflon so freely. - Shout out DuPont's, Delaware. - DuPont, DuPont, what's up? We use it so heavily, so freely and so many products across contaminating almost everything. And then it got in our bloodstream. - Is it bad that it's in our blood? - Yeah, no, it's good, that teflon's in our blood. - Then that's great. (laughing) - It's insane. It's like creepy. And they tested blood of people from all over the world and the only active person they could find without it at the time of the testing was pre-Korean war. - Really? - Yeah. So what's the teflon in our blood do? - Well, it's probably slowly giving us all certain kinds of cancer. It's probably metastasizing something in your body. - I wish I had this ammo when I was with my accent. She came to my apartment and was like, I'm not drinking your tap water. I wish I was like, well, there's teflon in your blood. (laughing) Get over it. - I'm talking about it. - Yeah, little fluoride will help you. - What, she didn't drink tap water? - No. - That's crazy. - I know. - Tap water in New York? - Yeah. - It's like the cleanest tap water in the country. - Yeah. - Don't they get rated every year like the highest tap water? - That's why the patient doesn't believe in medicine. - Oh. - So. - Oh, maybe she was a sclantologist. - Ah, no, just like a hippie. Oh, hippies don't like medicine. That's so funny. So they get an infection when they're playing barefoot soccer, Bob Marley. And then what do you do? - Bob Marley, she had a dendella wearer. Also, that wasn't an infection being barefoot. That was actually the government that injected him with that because he was actually bringing people together. And that's not what they want. - It's not what we want. It's not what I want. Wait, the teflon or Marley? - No, look up the teflon. - Modern teflon is PFOA-free historical or degradation-related exposure to PFOA chemicals has been linked to increased cholesterol levels, liver damage, reduced immune response, and potential reproductive issues. It's not directly classified as a carcinogen. Some say it's associated with cancer. - Isn't that incredible that they're able to pick? - It's not a fucking carcinogen. - This is, we need air in Brockovich. - What is she? - Dude, I don't know. But let me tell you, Julia Roberts. - Hot. - So beautiful. - In everything. - She's so good. - She's great. She had a generational run of just incredible films one after another. - Yes, she doesn't. - Why is she not celebrated more? You know, it doesn't get celebrated that I think should all the time, Tracy Olman. - Oh, so talented. - Dude, incredible. - Yes, so talented. - Amazing comedic actress. - So talented. But I think also stays out of the public eye. So it's kind of that thing where like, if you don't, well, let's fucking find her. - She's right here. - Trace. - Trace. - I think if you don't want them the noise, you stay away from it. And then people are like, where have you been? It's like avoiding you and all this bullshit. - Yeah, we're Shelley DeVol. - Yeah. - Ouch. - Rick Moranis. - Yeah. - That one was, did I ever tell you my thing about Rick Moranis? - What? - Uh-huh. - Oh, dude, this was crazy. - You know him? - No, this was nuts. - Is he hanging out with Tracy? - Rick. Rick, bring in Tracy. - Almost 10 years ago. I wrote this thing called, where are you, Rick Moranis? Because you know how you like disappeared out the face of the earth. - Yeah. - And I did all this research about it. I make a documentary about finding Rick Moranis. Because he was just a huge piece of our child. It was a honey ash ronk and ghostbusters. And so I wanted to find him. And this has always happened to society as like, it's drumming up without you even knowing. Because you know how he then came back. He started playing music and doing shows in New York all over the place. Then he got hit in the face. Remember that? He got somebody punched him. - Right. But prior to this, he was kind of quiet. And I was like, I want to know why. And I googled and found out all the stuff that when his wife passed away, he chose to kind of step back from the business. But at one point, Google is, was the highest grossing box office earner in the shortest amount of time of any actor. - No way. - Like made more money in a short, made little giants. - Little giant, little LGs. - Put them over. - No, but it was like the highest gross box office in a condensed amount of time or something like that. It was crazy. - What? Because he was in ghostbusters. - Because ghost and honey ash ronk and earned 238 million honey ash ronk. The kids, the series made between 130 million to 222 million full in stones, 130 million ghostbusters to 112 to 215 million. - What year this? What year? - This is all just, I mean ghostbusters 84 going up to the early 90s. - That's insane. - With honey ash ronk and fling stones. - Wow. - $200 million in 94 is hilarious. It's a billion dollar comedy movie. It's fucking crazy. But anyway, I was doing this thing. I wanted to like shoot this doc about finding Rick Moranis. And I was, because I was obsessed. I was like, this is such a great. It's going to be an amazing story of a guy who like comedically influenced my life so. And then he came back on the scene. He like came back into the Hollywood world. He was like a round again. People were talking to him. - Like a groundhog. He came out so shadow. - So shadow dude. - Six years. - Four years of Rick. - Rick. - And it kind of bummed me out because I really wanted to like do this comedy exploration. I was like, that was my foray into being like, I want to do a documentary. - He's like going again. - So you can do that. - You're going to be in the new space balls? - No, he's going to be in the space balls. - Yeah, he's acting again. - But he hasn't been in a film since. - I was surprised. - He wasn't, what movies? - Didn't he, the brother bear movies. He was a voice actor. - I was surprised he wasn't in the Ghostbusters reboot. - I was not surprised. - A little sad. - I could see him being like, I don't want to do that. I did the original. I don't want to do that. - Well, it'd be hard to get you to go back to something because the original was so good. You'd be like, I don't know if I want to fuck it up. - You know you remind me of him the best way Bill Murray. - Don't ever get that. - Is that a good thing? - He's my favorite person in the whole time. - I love him, Cubs fans, Chicago. - I think he's such an amazing music actor and just like his, his slice sarcastic, like he's just so great. You remind me a lot of him. - I love you. - He's the, he's the king. He owns the same Paul Saints. - He does on the same Paul Saints. - Really? - Yeah. - What is that? - Minor league basically. - Same Paul Minnesota. - I love baseball. - You hate baseball. - I love baseball. - You hate it. - I have a Phillies tattoo on my shin. - I know you do. - So when people see it, I go, this is a thing I hate. (laughing) I love, dude, I only like baseball in the like 70s, 80s and early 90s. I hate the steroid era. I don't like how sterile things are now. I love baseball with like Ozzie Smith, Ryan Sandberg, Hard Slides, getting trucked at home. - Andre Dawson. - I love it. I love that kind of baseball. - Old school. - Old school baseball. That's what I like. - Yeah, like you're not gonna get that, well, you're not gonna get that ever again. In fact, you're not even gonna get like cool young hot guys. You're not gonna get like hot being like powerful. I mean, like Ken Griffey was like hot as a pistol and he was so cool. - Yeah. - That guy. - Even the swings. Nobody has like a sweet swing now. - Well, now it's all technical. That was back, it was just like feel. - That's what I liked about baseball. Hunches, feels, feelings. Ah, the guy's up. - Superstitions. - 300 pitches, but he's homins. So we're gonna keep them in. And now somebody gets, they could be into the eighth inning on a shutout and they're like 78 pitches. We get to take them out. - Yeah, it is so gross. - It's sacrum. Well, they do play too many fucking games. I mean, that's a big part of it. Now he's like, this is too many fucking games. - Why? - It's always been this way. - No, I know it has, but it is too many games. It just is at some point. Like there's too many fucking games. It's harder for them to care anymore. - No. - They're too young, it's too much money. They don't care. - That will take the money away. - I agree. - Put it into the community that the team is playing for. - This is where I, this is where I think you could change the game for the betters. You're like, take some of this fucking money back. - Yeah. - Stop overpaying for this thing. Just take it away. - Dude, there should be salary caps with all fucking athletes and stadiums and all that money made after a certain point should go back to the community around it. - How about this athletes? Only get, there's a cat. Everyone gets paid the exact same. - Yeah. - Every athlete gets paid the same. And they start to have jobs in the offseason. - Yes. - That was the goal that is. - And they have to hang out with me sometimes. - They have to be a refrigerator salesman or whatever. - Yeah. - It was like, who was doing that? Who was selling fridges in the offseason? Or selling, what was he selling in the offseason? It was like appliances. There was a famous baseball player that sold appliances in the offseason. They were like, what are you doing? He's like, oh fucking Yankees don't pay me. - Or was that just like that old baseball player that we now know has autism? But he was known for like, chasing fire trucks in the middle of a game, like that kind of guy. - Jackie Robinson. - Jackie did? - Worked at Sunset Appliances in Queens, New York following the, oh, well, this is from the, his 1949 NL MVP season, which I'm assuming is Negro Leagues. - And the Negro Leagues, Jackie. I'm wearing a Negro Leagues hat right now, actually. - Interesting. So you think we should go back to segregation? (laughing) - Okay. The water fountains were much better when we, - Now this is a Negro Leagues hat. - Oh, that's great for Whitton. - Chicago American Giants. - Nice. - I didn't even realize what I put on until we said that and I was like, oh yeah, I think I've been Negro Leagues hatter. - Oh, that's great. - Yeah, and the logos are cooler back then. - Way cooler, dude. - Life was better when we were segregated. - When we went to our own schools. - And we were segregated. - And that couldn't come into our restaurants. - My dad. - That was a life, life was so much better. - Life is good now. - Life is great now. And, you know, heartache and pain exists. - It's gonna go away though, 'cause you're gonna find someone new and love. Please email, right here is our email. Please email, I wanna be with Ian at gmail.com and we're gonna, you have to make that now. You have to make I wanna be with you at gmail.com. - I love eating pussy, but more than that, I love listening. While you're eating. - While you're eating. - I'll eat pussy. - Go bark, bark. - Go to, I wanna be with Ian at gmail.com. - No, yeah, we're doing it. - No, I don't wanna be in a relationship. I wanna heal, I need to be alone. - But the email, why not? I'll take a little sip to pick. - And go see him at einfinance.com. I'm sure as your website, are you a punch-up guy? Is it that thing? - It redirects the punch-up. - I feel like it's just easier. - It's all one of the same, einfinance.com. Go see him live. One of the funniest comedians I know, a good friend of mine. - Sweetie. - We end the show the same way. What? - His website says, "Willie's just an excitable boy." - He is an excitable boy. - He is an excitable boy. - Or an excitable boy. - We've talked about an excitable boy. - What a great sound. - That book was so heartbreaking that his wife wrote, though. - Oh, yeah. - It's beautiful, but heartbreaking at the end. - It really fucking made me sad. I was like reading it in public, and I was like, "I should read this at home." You know what you're like doing something in public? I should be private for that. This is sad. - So I felt about my only cruise, the dirt. - Sad. - Come on. - Sad. We end the show the same way. Look into that camera, say one word or one phrase. - It'll all be all right in the end. If it's not all right, it's not the end. I shout out to my cat, Samson, and Glenn, if you guys are watching, I love you so much. - They're not. - In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. - Oh, that creature in the ginger field. - Sturdy, ginger. - Like that has, the ginger gene is a curse. - Ginger's a fugitive. - You only five dollars for the whiskey. - 75 dollars for the whole. - Ginger's our hell now. - This whiskey means excellent. - Ginger, I like ginger.