Speaker 1Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like. And that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average $21 with insurance, and some pay as little as $0 depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments. You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality, licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as $0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash ACAST. That's growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan.
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Speaker 3Hello and welcome to The How. Not to screw up your kid's podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode, I yell, then I cry, then I Google gentle parenting, is all about those guilt-ridden moments where we show up in a way that we chastise ourselves for, that we beat ourselves up for, and that we feel utterly terrible about afterwards. And I guess you could substitute the yell for, for anything. You know, I yell. I yell, then I cry. I punish, then I cry. I say no, then I cry. I get frustrated, then I cry. I raise my voice, then I cry. I become resentful. You name it. It goes on and on. You get the gist of what we're going to be talking about. Now, I guess it's helpful to talk about the cycle that we go through in terms of why that this speaks to so many of us about patterns of behavior that we have when it comes to parenting. So, it's the same cycle each time. We take an action. We take an action, whatever that is, whether that's yelling, whether that's feeling resentful, whether that's raising our voice, whether that's saying no, whether that's, God forbid, putting ourselves first. But we take an action that we believe is not becoming, not in line with being the good parent that we think we should be, the perfect parent. Whole nother episode to talk about perfect parenting. But let's, in essence, it starts with us doing something where we believe we've not shown up as that perfect parent. Or that good parent that we want to be. That then leads to the guilt and the shame, which is why we cry, you know, you know, how could we do this after all the books we've read, the promises that we've made to be different, maybe to our parents when everything, you know, when everyone else is absolutely getting it right. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with us? Why am I such a terrible person? Why am I such a terrible parent? No one else would be doing this. I am totally fine. I'm totally screwing them up, just like my parents, possibly for some of us, thinking that way. Or it could just be no wonder my children are struggling. I'm such a bad person. I should never been allowed to have children or whatever narrative your guilt and shame takes. Now, it's really important that we understand there's a difference between self-criticism as in I've reflected on a piece of behaviour and I should have made a different choice. That's very different to guilt and shame. Shame comes from that space where rather than doing a bad thing, you know, we often talk about when it comes to saying to our children, you're not a naughty person, but you chose to do something naughty. What you did was naughty. There's a difference. The reason why we recommend that the action was inappropriate rather than the person is that when we attribute ourselves to be bad, that's guilt, that's shame, that is something we do not want to be harbouring. And we certainly do not want our children to be doing as well, because what's happening is rather than seeing the choice that they made in that situation as being something that if they had their chance again, they would do it differently. That's different. That's guilt. That's a reflection of maybe I'll do something differently next time. Shame creates this narrative that they are a bad person, that we are bad people because of what we do. And shame is absolutely not the way that we want to go because it. Fundamentally impacts the foundations, the belief systems we have about ourselves and how we go about making those different choices next time. So we do not want that. But that's why we get the yelling, you know, the action that we feel that we wish we hadn't done and then the crying because it's so weighted by this idea about guilt and shame. And then we get the then I Google gentle parenting or whatever it is that you might Google solutions to. And then that's the bit that we go, OK, well, maybe. Maybe I can do this. You know, I'm getting it wrong at the moment, but someone must surely have the answers to this problem and they know how to do this better. But, you know, I know it's past midnight or 2 a.m., whatever it might be for you. Let me Google it anyway and read what I should be doing. Tomorrow, after all, is another day. Famous quote from Gone with the Wind. So that's the kind of cycle that we find ourselves in. And we and we repeat that cycle over and over again. Just as I say, you just substitute the. So hopefully having listened to that, you will recognise that that is something that you go through. And I can tell you now you are 100 percent not alone. Almost every parent that I have ever had contact with because I've worked with their family or I've had contact because they're part of my people I've just met through life, whether they're my friends or whether they're just people I've interacted with. We have all done it. My guess is it happens 100 percent. At some point. At some point, we're all going to have done this and some of us do it more often than others. So you are not alone. So this episode, first of all, is about being compassionate to yourself. And then the next bit now is about, I guess what I want to look at is how do we get to ourselves? How do we end up in that space where we do that yelling, the crying, and then we end up Googling gentle parenting and what might be some of the changes that we can begin to make? This is high level stuff. There are going to be some. Aspects of what I talk about that you possibly may well need to dig deeper in and dive deeper and look at an episode that I've done or email into me and say, actually, Mary Han, this is something that I really have, having listened to this, this is something I feel I need to address and I can't find an episode that does that. So this is really about giving you some broad tools. And the idea that I would recommend is, as I always do, don't try to do too many things. Focus in on what resonates the most for what is currently happening in your home, where you yourself have some impact in terms of changing it. Choose just one thing. You may listen to this and think there's a few things here, Mary Han, I really, it sounds like I could be working on. My recommendation is always, it's tough being a parent. Yeah, it is tough to show up as we really want to each and every day because we are human beings. Don't overload yourself. It is much better that we look at focusing in on one thing and making small incremental changes than feeling that we can take on multiple. You know, you may ace the one thing. You may think, oh my goodness, I've got so much time, Mary Han, I could add other things. Like that is never going to happen. But let's say you do. Just embed that. Make that so habitual that you're not even having to give it a second thought and only then layer up the next thing. It's so crucial that we go slowly, slowly, catchy monkey, one thing at a time. So I'm going to talk through six things. The sixth thing is something I think we should all be doing anyway. So that's, you can exclude that from your list. But I'm going to go through six things that we can do that will hopefully help you in this particular challenge. So the first one is, and this is something I've talked about before. These are not in any specific order. They're just simply when I was having a bit of a brain dump as to what are the things I'd like to talk about, what would those things be? So they're no, in no. Particular order. But the first one is I want to talk about the stress bucket, which I have mentioned multiple times for us and also for our children. So let's please be super open to making some changes in this area today. If this particularly resonates with you, because this explains why we've reached the point of yelling or frustration or resentment or. being punitive in a way that we don't want to be punitive. So by really truly understanding our stress bucket this can be incredibly empowering you know knowledge is power and it helps us make positive changes and actually your child's stress bucket might also be playing a factor in the situations and the dynamics that might be playing out in your home but let's talk about the stress bucket first of all so we all have a bucket our bucket fills throughout the day we have a bucket our children have a bucket everybody has a bucket and that fills throughout the day but we don't normally notice that our bucket has reached capacity until that last drop goes in and we respond in a moment to a given situation in a way that isn't typically how we would behave so we lose our temper we yell we shout and it's not typical of us on our normal day-to-day and it's because that final drop has gone in you and what we often do and of course it's natural is we reflect on what was it about that situation that made me respond that way and we assume that it is that situation that has led to us responding out of character but the reality is that bucket has been filling throughout the day and it literally could have been that situation was the just the tiniest of drops that made it overflow there has been other things that would have been happening during the day that would have caused it to be at nearly full beforehand so one aspect of the stress bucket is understanding what are the contributors to your stress bucket now there may well be some common things that are impacting your stress bucket on a regular basis and what's important to remember here is not all aspects of what goes into our bucket are created equally so some things which go into our stress buckets may fill it more than other things and that's why we're talking about the stress bucket so for example i know for myself in terms when i consider my stress bucket i generally sleep really really well but sleep if i don't have it has a disproportionate impact on my stress bucket so if i so it could depending on what might have happened it could fill up over half of my stress bucket in a particular day because i'm so used to sleeping really well i'm not adaptive i'm not so i know that that has a disproportionate impact i know that being outside is really important to my just general emotional well-being so it has a cumulative effect so on one day if i've ended up having to be inside and not really had an opportunity to be outside or not even exercising but just being out walking in any capacity doing jobs even that might not impact my stress bucket on day one but if i have not had a chance to do that by day two or day three the amount that it impacts that it sort of fills my stress bucket is disproportionate so it may only fill it by 10 on day one but by day two it may be 40 so there are some things that you will be aware of that probably are common themes in terms of filling your stress bucket another big one for me is where i don't feel i've got any control over my day so if i've got a super super busy day where i'm literally going from one thing to the next that might be fine in day one but if i've done that for day one day two day three day four by day four i'm probably almost at full from the moment i've woken up even if i've had a great night's sleep so the stress bucket is such a incredibly powerful tool because what that does mean is if we can understand our schedule and the reality is we can't always control the level of busyness or the level of things that fill our bucket because we can't always control that particularly as parents we've got young children that have got huge demands on our time and our resources and our attention but if we know some of these things in advance and how they impact us then the second part of the stress bucket is really crucial and this is how do we empty it so we may not be able to control how full it becomes and how quickly it becomes but we can begin to control the things that we can do to actually control the level of activity that's in our bucket so that we can actively drain that bucket so that we give ourselves the best opportunity within the day and also for the next day that we don't get compounding so we don't end up going to sleep with a bucket that's already half full so that when we wake up the next day our capacity is already diminished by 50 so if you imagine that the bucket has got two taps one tap actively empties and drains your bucket the other tap we believe empties and drains your bucket and the other tap we believe empties and drains your bucket but in fact that tap has got a hose that goes straight into your bucket so in essence we think we're emptying it but all we're actually doing it is constantly refilling it and this is about us really understanding the difference between the things that we do that we believe empty our bucket that don't so i'm going to be really honest with you mindlessly scrolling on social platforms does not empty your bucket it doesn't empty your bucket and it doesn't empty your bucket certainly doesn't empty your teens bucket pouring ourselves a glass of wine a gin and tonic a beer whatever is your alcohol choice does not empty your bucket you know sitting with a tv dinner and watching something on television because you've had a stressful day does not empty your bucket now that is not to say that i'm saying that you should not do those things of course if those bring you enjoyment of course do those but recognize that if that's the only thing that you're doing is that you're not doing those things you're not doing those things you're not doing after a super bucket filling day that you are not going to have emptied it in any way you may have distracted yourself you may have been in a moment of pacifying the things that have built up during your day but they are not going to empty your bucket so do those by all means but be aware that you need to add other factors that will genuinely empty your bucket and those are likely to be things like good quality sleep communication and connection with other human beings it may be for you being outside it may be physical exercise it may be journaling it may be some breath work it may be engaging in a hobby or an activity that genuinely brings you joy so it's understanding what are the things that empty my bucket and it's going to be different for different people and in lots of ways when we talk about this idea about self-care that's what we get caught in this narrative is we think it's a luxury but the reality is it is not a luxury if you want to ditch the word self-care and replace it with bucket emptying it's a necessity if you want to stop that cycle of guilt and shame of yelling or a behavior that you wish you hadn't done followed by a chastisement of yourself whether that's crying whether that's shame spiral and then that inevitable searching for solutions so really understanding that stress bucket and that could be all you need to do because you may find do you know what if i can just show up with my children more often than not without that final drop of water then tipping over my bucket then actually that could be the biggest impact that i can have right now so that's the first thing that i would suggest that you kind of consider
Speaker 1therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough it shows up in the smallest moments you bite your tongue instead of escalating you put your phone down instead of firing off that text you say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most nobody applauds those moments but they quietly change your life that's what growing feels like and that's exactly what grow therapy is here for grow is therapy that works covered by insurance sessions average twenty one dollars with insurance and some pay as little as zero dollars depending on their plan there are no subscriptions no long-term commitments you just pay per session grow connects you with thousands of high quality licensed therapists across the u.s offering both virtual and in-person sessions nights and weekends you can search by what matters like insurance specialty identity or availability and you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days not the national four-day therapy session see if you could pay as little as zero dollars for therapy in seconds at grow therapy dot com slash a cast that's grow therapy dot com slash a cast grow therapy dot com slash a cast availability and coverage vary by state and
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Speaker 3number two expectations this is a big one because a lot of that hinges on do we become frustrated do we shout do we get angry because our expectations are not necessary necessarily realistic either for us or for our children so it's really thinking about I'm big into reflection and it doesn't have to be a sort of a particular process that you go about it but just when you've had that moment you know if you can think about right now when's the last time you showed up in a way that has created a bit of that shame spiral what was the last thing that happened and when you reflect on whatever that was whether you'd asked your children to do something or whether you responded in a particular way to something that they said or or a pattern of behavior whatever it might be when you reflect on that and why that and why that happened would you say that the expectations that you had on yourself for how you would respond in that situation and or the expectations you had on your child to be able to manage that particular situation was it is it realistic because sometimes these expectations could have a big impact on it so it's about you know how can we better communicate to our children what we expect from them and also potentially boundaries around what is appropriate and what isn't appropriate what we'll negotiate what we won't negotiate and what they just need to do and then then it's about also then being consistent in the application of those expectations now i'm going to i will talk in a little bit more detail about that but i would separate that reflective piece if you're going to do it in terms of what do i expect from myself is it realistic to expect from myself that i work a eight or ten hour day and that i should then come back home and be able to cook from scratch every single day and that i should have an expectation that i should then play with each child that i should then be able to do a whole load of personal admin and then i should then be able to do a whole load of household chores it's those expectations that we place now it may well be that it's perfectly reasonable to expect to get those done over the course of a week but are we placing unfair expectations on ourself and as a result that is also feeding into our bucket filling because we have an endless to-do list is it appropriate to expect a child for example your child to do what you ask them to do first time given the skills we're going to talk about skills gap but just given that their age and stage of development so it's just thinking about where are these expectations coming from and are they realistic how are we communicating these expectations so is it reasonable to expect our child to do x or y because we believe we've communicated it but if we sit back and consider it from our child's perspective do they truly understand what is expected of them and why and where those boundaries are so the expectations piece is another important area to just consider how might that narrative be playing out so expectations if as part of that expectation audit or reflection or consideration you realize that actually I am expecting my children to know this this and this but I'm not really communicating that to them then do that make you know that's why I'm a big fan of the family planning meetings or the family meetings that's at one point every single week because it's a real great opportunity to come together as a family do a bit of a reflective piece on how the week has been what's worked what hasn't and then to communicate really clearly if there are going to be any changes what hasn't been working to collaborate together on what you might look to do differently to bring and also bring that family in on board so that's the expectations piece now the third one is that as part of that expectations piece is that you may actually think I need to address a skills gap yeah and that might be both your own and all your child's so I talk remember I talk a lot about skills gap rather than we have a problem let's fix the problem let's fix the problem that specific problem instead let's reflect on what does that problem highlight that may be a skills gap either for something that I need to work on in terms of being able to get better at that particular skill and bridge that gap or a skills gap that my child might have that I can help scaffold and muscle build so that they can develop that particular skill so it's really focusing in on where that skills gap is and I think that's a really important piece of advice might be so is your child not doing what you ask them because they're not yet able to be independent or do we usually end up doing things for our children or maybe we do things for them all the time we do everything for them and then we feel like you know well why can't you just do this one thing but they've not learnt they haven't got that skill of being independent of being able to take initiative to be able to problem solve when they might try and start to do something and work out how that fits in around other things that they're obligated to do as well or it could just be that in that cycle of asking our children and then we end up yelling and then we feel guilty is that we end up doing whatever that is and so our child has never really learnt to the pattern that they've learnt in essence is my parents ask me repeatedly they then shout and then I see them getting really upset about it and then they do it for me anyway so I don't need to respond I don't need to do what's asked of me because this is the cycle that I've learnt so it's really looking at is there a skills gap and how might we then be able to address it so that they then have and are equipped to do the skills and that goes back to expectation so my child doesn't have that skill to be independent to take initiative to do what's asked of them first time so I now need to bridge that gap by clearly communicating with them as part of some connection time that you know it's I'm finding that you know we're often getting really upset around bedtime and I'm expecting you to be able to switch off what you're doing and then transition into that going up the stairs but this doesn't seem to be happening it's clearly that I've you know we're not communicated very well about what we expect from you and then let's have let's problem solve how this might look and then we're building we're bridging a broader skills gap of our children taking ownership having that sense of agency problem solving and resolving the problem solving something that isn't currently working and then coming up for it with a plan that we can try and execute consistently review regularly and then look to see a change in that pattern of behaviour so we then get ourselves out of that vicious cycle of yelling crying and then googling gentle parenting so that's number three the fourth one is one of the things that we want to regularly do as and when we find ourselves having made a choice in our behaviour that we wish we hadn't and that is either you might know it as rupture and repair you might know as do-overs you may know it as make amends whatever it is whatever words you use in essence what it is is it's it's they're all speaking to the same point when we have behaved in a way which in hindsight we would rather we had not done we have the option to go back and make good why well for one thing it models to our children how adults are going to behave in a way that they make choices that they later regret to just like them and it demonstrates how this can be put right remember children are much more likely to do what they see than what we say so if we model and we demonstrate that reflective piece and then we come back to our children and just say look i'm so sorry that i ended up shouting at you i know that that isn't how i wanted to communicate to you that i was really frustrated and i want you to know that i'm sorry that i ended up shouting at you that it was about me getting frustrated rather than than about you so it's that it's that acknowledgement that in that moment we have become frustrated maybe because we've asked them to put their shoes on for the 20th time and i know that i asked you to put your shoes on there's no reason why i should have resorted to yelling or shouting at you i've reflected on that and it isn't how i want to show up but i'm sorry if that made you feel that you were unloved or that you had done something wrong in hindsight when i think about it now what i probably would have done is i would probably should have done is taken myself off for a bit taken some deep breaths and come back and really sat with you and explained why it was really important that you got your shoes on or i should have been really clear about my expectations beforehand whatever that might be it's just a really important piece a because obviously we want to model these things for our children but also what it does do is it also demonstrates that we are fundamentally human we're not perfect we're not always going to get it right and that's really important that our children see that is that it's that acknowledgement that what's important is that we put right any patterns of behavior any choices that we make that we wish we hadn't because we ultimately have control of the behavior that behavior in that moment and the choice that we made may not be one that we really are particularly proud of but we made it and we also had the option and the choice to then make good our future and that's really important that our children see that is that it's that acknowledgement that what's important is that afterwards so that is a really crucial one as well to to be able to do and Hopefully that takes us out of that guilt, shame spiral. And if you do that multiple times a day, you are not going to be screwing up your kids. You are going to be modelling multiple instances of reflection and of making good and that you are fundamentally human. So that's a really, it's important to remember that one too. The fifth one is about finding alternative solutions to what you're currently doing. So it's about finding alternatives to getting wound up and finding yourself yelling, for example, or finding solutions that work better for your family. Now that might be reminders of what's expected. It may be that part of the expectations is that maybe you had a conversation over the weekend about what you wanted the children to do on Monday. And it may well be that it's an unrealistic expectation for your child or for your family to take that conversation from Sunday and enact it on Monday. It may be for them at the moment, in terms of where their skills are currently at, that they need that reminded to them on that Monday. And even for some, reminded five minutes before, one minute before or as they're about to do it. So it's considering what alternatives, what choices, what things can we put in place? To minimise the possibility of things going wrong and our children making those choices, which are not necessarily those best choices. So it might be about reminders of what's expected. It may be this idea about these talk-throughs that I've gone through with you before. This idea of this is not working. Let's problem solve how we might approach this differently. Let's talk through that maybe 10 or 15 times so that you, the child, explain to me what the new expectations are. What the new expectation is going to be and what I'm being asked to do and what is going to be the consequence. Should I not do it so that I'm then embedding and reinforcing it? And the crucial bit with talk-throughs is about your child is the one that says it, that tells you, that reminds you. What was it that I asked you to do, Tom, just before we leave the house each day? Can you just remind me and talk me through it? So your child is saying it because that's where the power. I'm much more likely to do something that I have said out loud than you as my parent have continually reminded me of because that's where our children sometimes tune out. It goes in one ear and out the other, whereas when they're saying it, they're much more likely to action it. So it may well be the talk-throughs might be a really useful thing for you to do. It may be in the instances where this is happening repeatedly that actually. Natural consequences might be better. So it might actually simply be better to allow your child to make the mistake and then learn through natural consequences. So it's just thinking about what might be alternatives to what how I'm currently managing that particular situation that might then avoid our shame, our yelling, shame, Google spiral that we currently have. So that can also be a helpful way, helpful thing to consider. And then finally, be kind always yet to ourselves and to our children. Remember that we are all human muddling through trying our best with the resources we have available to us at any given time. I love that whole saying. Oprah uses it, but it may well not be particularly her saying, but it's like we can we we we can only do better when we know better. So it's that acknowledgement that you are where you are in the space. That you are at the moment as a parent, your child is where they are in the space that they are at the moment based on the skills that they have as they know more, as they know better, they will do better. So just being more compassionate to ourselves is a really important thing. And I think we don't do that because I mean, there's a whole conversation around society, this notion of perfect parenting. We feel that we should be able to do everything. And where I say is being kind is not. Not just about your internal narrative and your child's internal narrative, but simply be kind to yourself about what's realistic to be able to do. You know what this notion that you may have of what perfect parenting or you doing a good job might look like may not be kind to yourself because you may be burdening yourself with a whole host of expectations and a whole host of beliefs. That you should be doing that are just unfounded. So the be kind one, I think, is an important one to remember always in anything and everything that we do as parents. And I hope I really hope that this episode has helped you take that step back and really recognize that you are not alone in doing this is such a common parenting challenge that we have. And we are. All doing it and just being able to take that step back and ask yourself, OK, I'm accepting that this happens to others, too. It's not just me. I am going to take some comfort in that because I'm going to take comfort in knowing that parenting is tough and we don't always get to show up the way that we would like to all of the time. And I'm going to consider the one thing that I believe out of all of those things that for me would have the biggest impact right now. And I'm going to make a promise to myself to work on that every day. And I'm not going to beat myself up if that one thing that I've asked myself, making that promise to work on, I don't do. I'm simply going to acknowledge that having reflected on it and make a promise that I will make every attempt on the next day and do that each day until you feel you've reached a level where it is more habit than not. And then add in another one and then repeat the process. It's rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. And if you feel that this episode has been really helpful for you, then please do share it with other friends, colleagues, family, neighbours, because the reality is they're going to be going through this as well. So this might hopefully help them also reach a kind and compassionate space for themselves. And as ever, this is the first ever podcast. You listen to. I hope that you will listen again. If you've been here since the word, you know, since day dot, since the first day that I've been doing the podcast or anything in between, then please know that I never take that for granted. I'm so grateful that you listen, but also know that other parents who have not yet found the How Not To Screw Up Your Kids podcast will do so and more likely to do so by the ratings and the reviews that you give. The podcast, because that is how the various different platforms that hold podcasts make recommendations so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time.
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