Speaker 1Hi there. Welcome back or welcome to Recovering Out Loud podcast, the show where we get real about mental health and addiction. I'm so glad you're here. If you or someone you love is struggling with drugs or alcohol, please reach out for help. Send me a message on all social media platforms at recoveringoutloudpod or by email at recoveringoutloudpod at gmail.com. You are no longer alone. Okay. And do you, so who tapes your sets? Like who is that?
Speaker 2I set that all up. Yeah.
Speaker 1Really? So you don't have a guy that like, so you just set up a camera on a tripod and run your set and.
Speaker 2Yeah. And then I have mics that I plug into that. And then a mic that I bring up on stage.
Speaker 1That's awesome. Wow. And then you clip your own stuff and put it on socials.
Speaker 2Yeah. And that's the part that I could get someone to do for me.
Speaker 1Yeah. You're now the third comedian I've had in here. Nice. So I appreciate you. I think you know a few of them. Who are the other ones? I had Andrew in here. Yeah. And then Mark Anthony, who I. Oh yeah. I've known him since high school and he's a great dude, man. I didn't know he was sober. No, he's not. He's not. But I was like, I got to have this guy on here. Yeah. And he fucking. Made me. He just made me laugh. I love comedy, dude. I fucking love stand up comedy. And I'm really happy that you came down, Brayden. I appreciate you. But yeah, we'll get into a little bit about your journey and how, you know, what brought you into sobriety. But I also want to know about like the comedic process and like what that's like doing sober. So I guess we'll, we'll start off just why don't you tell us like a little bit about growing up and what was that, what that was like and how you found your first, it was drink, drinking, right? It was your, your thing. Yeah. For the most part. Yeah.
Speaker 2Drinking and cannabis was, was, you know, a big part and that kind of took off in high school. So I like, I grew up in, I grew up in Saskatchewan in a small hockey town and there was like 5,000 people. So played hockey at a young age. And I think like a lot of that was like, you were kind of like determined, like your self-worth based on like how good you were at hockey, because that's how the community perceived you or so it felt. Anyways, when I started getting, you know, into teenagers or teenage years and stuff, I'm still playing hockey. My dad, he worked a lot. He worked in oil and gas. My mom was stay at home mom. And it was, I had a good family. I had a good upbringing, but there was a lot of chaos. There was a lot of, there was a lot of drinking in the household. There was a lot of fights. And I internalized a lot of that. I walked around on eggshells. You know, as, as, even as a kid, you know, I would walk around on eggshells, you know, afraid that, you know, if I did something, you know, a fight would start or I'd get yelled at or something. Right. So I lashed out, you know, in schools, I was kind of always the class clown, you know, looking for validation or approval for people from people there because I maybe wasn't getting it at home. And then when I was like in grade nine and grade 10, that's when I found booze and I found weed. And. Like I, I was like, I drank alcoholically from the start. I was just like the partier and it was just like, the more you do, the more people would watch. And I was like, oh, here's my validation. It was almost like I was doing standup, you know, or looking for approval from people. Cause I'd be like, oh, look, I can drink that beer or, oh, there's beer or there's a cigarette butt in that beer and nobody wants to drink it. Sure. I'll do that. You know, just for attention. Right. Whether it was girls or guys, you know, I just wanted people to, you know. And I'm still a bit like that. Um, but yeah, cannabis was the thing that when I found it, I was like, oh, this is my guy. Like this makes it all better, you know? And I, I would blow off opportunities. I would, you know, all my responsibilities were out the door from, from the time I was like 15 years old on, um, I just smoked pot and smoked pot and it just like it, it numbed. It numbed me more than anything else did. And you know, I still drank throughout, but you know, I would go to school high. I was just always getting high. And, um, another part of like the growing up in the hockey town was like playing hockey at a young age. I think this is something that a lot of hockey players are young men. Um, it's maybe a little different now, but I think it's caused a little behavioral problems. I would say it did for me in my experience, growing up and playing hockey, I was taught that you can drop the gloves. If somebody emotionally activates you, that was how you dealt with like conflict or something like that, right? Like somebody rubbed you the wrong way on the ice. You got heated, you were frustrated. It was okay to drop the gloves and physically assault someone, you know, it, that was accepted in hockey. And so I, that was really how I learned how to manage my emotions, you know, at a young age was, you know, if I got upset and, you know, also what I'd see from my parents, you know, if they were emotionally activated, you know, they weren't like physically abusive towards me, but they would be emotionally abusive. They would, you know, they would get in fights and stuff like that, like verbal arguments. And so that's kind of how I learned how to, uh, manage my emotions was like, oh, I can get a reaction by, you know, either like fighting somebody or by being like, you know, emotionally abusive or, you know, using force. Or, you know, using my words to like lash out at somebody. So that was kind of how I learned how to manage my emotions and everything.
Speaker 1Did that come out a lot in, um, like outside of hockey too, were you fighting at school and shit?
Speaker 2Yeah. Yeah. So in the later part of, um, in the later part of like high school, I was actually even on, yeah, even as a kid, I fought a lot when I was a kid. And when I was in high school and stuff like that, like, I remember we would play like, like six, seven games, you know? I remember we would play like, like six, seven games and stuff like that. Like, we would play like, like street hockey games, you know? And I would, I'd end up fighting somebody or I'd go to a buddy's birthday party and it would turn into like me fighting like the three guys there. And like, generally, cause it was just like, I got to a point where I couldn't handle what was going on and then it would just like the fisticuffs were out. And um, yeah, that was like, it really came to a spearhead when I was in high school, my parents, they got a divorce. It was a messy divorce. Um, they separated and after they separated, I got like, I was in like three or four like major fights within like a couple of weeks, like the cops were involved and I had like, you know, those charges got dropped, but they were like, you know, I fought a guy in the lobby of our like hockey rink, you know, kids were running around and I'm like fighting this guy. Like I just had no, um, there was no breaks on that. And so, yeah, I started lashing out at people basically because of what was going on at home. I was lashing out at people and, and anybody who, you know, I remember there was a guy who he had, he had said something that emotionally activated my, my girlfriend at the time. And she told me that, you know, he had, he was mean to her and I'm like, oh, I'm going to kick his ass. And she was like, please don't like, please don't like, I feel bad for the guy. Like, I don't want that. And as soon as I seen him, I like threw him into a locker. I gave him a couple of shots to the ribs and like, you know, uh, looking back at it, you know, I've made most of those amends. I've apologized to most of those people that I harmed, but, um, yeah, it definitely came out.
Speaker 1Um, you mentioned like the weed kind of numbing you out, um, by the way, the wanting to be as accepted and fit in and like, um, the attention I can resonate with that. And a lot of people that sit in this chair, I'm finding more and more that that's a lot of the reason why people start using drugs and drinking is cause like it's, it's an in, right. It's like, I don't feel connected. Now I do, you know, all these people for me, it's like all these people are on cocaine or I'm drinking. And once I start doing it, I feel like I'm a part of, you know what I mean? I feel like there's like this buzz in the room and everyone's laughing at my jokes. Like to your point, my jokes are funnier. Like I'm, I'm just a man. Right. And then it works until it doesn't. So I can resonate with that completely.
Speaker 2Yeah. And it's like, well, it's like, they say like, you know, the opposite of addiction is connection. Right. And like, that's literally an addiction. It gets to a point where, okay, yeah, this worked for us to have like, you know, oh, I'm, oh, I'm feeling like I fit in or I have validation from others, but more often than not, it eventually, if somebody gets sober, it ends up with isolation and then you're stuck being that person you were off to start just alone, like using in your room, waking up in the morning, drinking wine, you know, like I was and just feeling like, so like, just like the guilt and shame and just like hating yourself like so much, like to the very core. Um, that's how it was for me anyway.
Speaker 1Just being so afraid to, of like somebody finding out how bad it is, you know, where you're at. Um, I remember being at a party one time and, uh, you know, we were all doing lines in a room and I put mine out and it was like three times bigger than everyone else's. And I noticed that. Right. But like, I didn't, it just like, that's what I need to do. You know what I mean? And I remember one guy looked at me and he goes, like, you're gonna do all that. And like, I'm getting goosebumps thinking about it because those are the kinds of things that push me into isolation where it was like, oh, I can't like, I'm not like everyone else. You know what I mean? Like these guys are doing Coke like once a month, at that time and they're going home at the end of the night right i'm finding the after hours and you know drink until i i can't anymore you know what i mean so that was like that was a moment for me where it was like something's something's wrong here this is different right and then to your point you get that guilt and shame of like why am i so fucked up right yeah what do i do
Speaker 2about it yeah why am i unique yeah and that's where i feel like that's something that you know with me being in it i've started to realize that like oh i'm not unique yeah i'm not fucking i'm not special yeah i just have this thing i have this this disease of you know i would say addiction not not just alcoholism i have addiction like the disease of addiction i mean it's all to me it's all the same whether it's gambling whether it's women whether it's tuna i got addicted to red tuna sashimi the first time i got solar that shit's good oh yeah like you're one of those people who's like oh i'm not unique i'm not special i'm not special i'm not special in the morning i'm ordering up tuna and like my girlfriend at the time is like what are you doing i'm like i need it i just need it like you know i can anything that makes me feel better or takes me out of my comfort zone i'm all in on it and i can't do it in moderation yeah i can't or timbits
Speaker 1right you made a video about timbits the other day i was dying i go through all these different
Speaker 2little things when i get sober and i'm like oh yeah this is where i'm like really and then i go oh okay this is a problem i gotta cut that out you know but i mean to have
Speaker 1the self-awareness is is that's the gift of recovery right it's like okay i'm doing this thing you can kind of like zoom out a bit i'm doing this thing this could get out of hand it's not gonna kill me but this is the pattern is what leads me down the road right yeah and i think it's
Speaker 2a mix of like when you get sober is like finding what things that give you what things can give you that dopamine rush or give you that addiction thing that you're that you're looking for that are healthy you know like working out you know things like that or reading you know anything that can give you a dopamine fix that's gonna make your life better or make you a productive member of society it's like all right sign me up yeah those things i can do but those are always the things i don't want to do you know i'm like i don't want to go work out like why would i do that you know have a healthy life no come on it's hard work yeah i'd rather you know hack darts and drink coffee you know right like and that's just you know that's just part of like that dopamine feeding cycle right would you say comedy falls
Speaker 1into that category too like can you get addicted to the laughs too yeah i think like comedy i i've
Speaker 2i've gotten addicted to comedy getting addicted to doing sets um and again that you know i got into comedy because i was looking for that validation i was looking for that approval from others that thing that i always was craving for the same thing that i do in my relationships you know i'll be a people pleaser in relationships because i'm like oh please validate me tell me i'm enough and like does that go all the way back to my parents like and it's not that they were like in the wrong they just didn't know how to be like hey you're good enough like this is fine this is okay so does that stem all the way back to this like inner child in me that's like hey somebody tell me i'm worth it i don't know i know that that's why i started doing stand-up was i wanted the approval of i wanted everybody in my old hometown everybody i grew up with you know old bullies and stuff like that i wanted them to see holy shit that guy's like living his dream that guy's doing stand-up comedy in front of like you know and i wanted to be you know the biggest stage ever be on tv all that and be like ha i showed you you know and then that became like i got addicted to like the approval of the audience like random strangers you know people i'll never meet i'm like i'll be on stage i'll be like oh please like what oh i need to get a laugh oh well why can't i get a laugh on that you know and then i'll go up and do a set where i know i'm gonna do only my best jokes just so that i get laughs all the time because oh there might be a pretty girl in the audience or oh you know there's a big audience here i want them all to like me whereas like i'm like well why don't i try new jokes well what if the new joke doesn't go good and then they think that i'm a failure then that inner child is like oh you suck you didn't get your approval it's crazy man i feel like you can get a big thing for me is like i'll get addicted to like social media and like the follows and like yeah like posting and like the the metrics and stuff on it because it's like it like we've been conditioned now in the in 2025 like this era to be like oh your worth is based on how many followers you have how many likes you have and it's like it's crazy and i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like crazy that people are like oh that's what i'm going to use to validate me that's what i'm going
Speaker 1to use as a metric no absolutely i agree 100 and especially if you do it sort of full time right there's a lot of people that kind of half-ass use instagram for still to check like my wife she uses it just to check her what her friends are doing like yeah i used to be like that and i kind of miss it to be honest because now i'm like doing it full time and yeah it's like i have to check myself every day dude like i literally journal about it because it's frustrating it's like how this go like it doesn't matter i'm putting out content that is hopefully helping one person and in in your realm helping people whether it's laughing because dude laughter or fuck man i can't tell you how many times i've been like in a in a weird place whatever emotionally and i've laughed at a video and i just i forget about my problems for 30 seconds right yeah so um but yeah i mean it's it's it's really difficult to kind of just let go and put it out there and whatever happens happens like it sounds so easy just to talk about and surrender but surrender is it's a it's a bitch man um you've so you've you've relapsed right a few times yeah yeah me too how did you like how
Speaker 2did you bounce back from that and what did that look like so this this recent time that i relapse um was 37 days ago um i had a slip it was one day um i i had some stuff going on i um um i don't even know what it i got like i got into an argument with my mom and then my head went to oh i need to pick up a drink oh i need to numb this i don't want to feel how i'm feeling right now but also i knew in that moment that okay if i pick up or i drink you know that that's gonna lead to me dying that's gonna lead to me dying i didn't care i didn't care and i said the way i was feeling the shame and the guilt i had in my chest i listened to all these voices in my head and i was like i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die saying you're a fuck up you're a failure you've treated everyone terrible your whole life like you do deserve that you know so yeah drink if you end up dying good you know good for the world good for and that's where my disease takes me that's where my disease and my like stinking thinking so to speak this fuck will take me fuck it yeah fuck it and so then i drank and then it was crazy because i had a bunch of people um i do i do online meetings uh a lot monday and friday thursdays and um they're guys kind of scattered like la and and here uh you know in toronto and kind of all over north america um but it's a really tight-knit group you know and all these guys started calling as soon as i told my sponsor i drank they were all calling and i'm like oh why weren't you calling you know why weren't you calling last week you know why didn't you pick up when i called you last week but i mean that's you know everybody gets busy and that's like is that me i was the thing is is when you drink or when you relapse after you've had time it's not fun yeah like there's nothing worse than having a belly full of booze and a head full of recovery because you're just like i don't want to do this like you know and you know how guilty it is you can't have fun doing it and so a bunch of the guys from our group were calling me and calling me and i was like i'm not picking up i'm not picking up and then finally i picked up my like best buddy's call and um and we chatted and he gave me the right act he's like really you thought this was the reason like so what you were dealing with emotional shit like you know you think that this is gonna make it better you know it's not like getting the meeting tonight like air it out and like get back on the horse and i was like i'm not going on the meeting um and then the next day i went out golfing and this is where it got crazy i was out golfing the next day and i was like okay i don't really want to drink i don't want this to become a runaway i know my life is infinitely better when i'm sober than it is to be in high or drunk so i went out on the golf course i had some zero beers and i smoked a couple joints i go off the game i go back and in the back of my head i was like okay well i'm gonna go to the casino and i'll have a beer maybe at the casino i didn't know if i was gonna drink or not i was like maybe i'll do the zeros i had a hunch i drink i was definitely gonna smoke the joint and go to the casino um i get into my truck my truck won't start and i'm like oh perfect here's my reason to drink you know once i get my truck started i'm gonna go and i'm gonna because poor me woe is me so instead of calling a tow truck i go and i ask like six guys for booster cables in the parking lot nobody's got booster cables this is like deer creek an hour outside of toronto and um finally i go and i ask this last guy the guy goes yeah i got cables he goes i'll meet you over by your truck cool a couple minutes later he comes up i got my truck the hoods popped as he pulls his vehicle up and he gets out i saw his face and he was a member of my home group, Alcoholics Anonymous. Fuck off. Yeah, he showed me how to make coffee, the very first service position I had. Wow. Six years ago. I know, dude. And I looked at him, and I was like, somebody was like, all right, we'll see you later, and said his name. And I was like, and I repeated his name. I'm like, are you a member of The Hill? And he's like, I thought that was you, Braden. And I was just like, oh, my God, man. And he's just like, well, this is my act of service for the day. But as I saw him, I was like, is it odd, or is it God? Like, this is not by chance. This is an hour outside of Toronto. Like, it was just. Especially in the middle of that, where you're at, too. Yeah, the middle of where I was at, I told him that I slipped yesterday. I told him, and he's like, well, just get back on. Like, you know, everything will work out. Like, don't be hard on yourself. And, you know, get back to meetings, call your sponsor. And I just knew that it was like God and my higher power. My higher power being like, dude, I'm right here. Like, yeah, you're in this headspace, but like. Here's the answer. Here's the answer. When I was down and out and I needed a boost, AA was there. That's crazy. Yeah, it was crazy. So after that, I'm like, I haven't had a drink since that. I'm not gonna. I still smoked a joint that night, and I went to the casino, but I felt guilty as I smoked a joint. You need dopamine somewhere. Yeah, I said, I can't. I shouldn't do this. I shouldn't do this, but I did. But that was the last thing. That could have went way differently, though, right?
Speaker 1Like, if that didn't happen, who? I mean, I just, I play out so many scenarios in my head, right? Where, I mean, you were ready to self-destruct, right? You could be dead. You could have died, right? Drink and drive. There's so many avenues that that could have went in. Yeah, yeah. And that was just a shot that you needed at the time to be like, okay, like, this is the direction we need to be heading in, right?
Speaker 2Yeah. And I think it was also like the day that I drank, I was like, I'm not enjoying it. I'm not enjoying this. Like, I don't like this. I'm like, the beer that I'm drinking, I don't like it. I, you know, I would think about it being sober, being like, oh, a beer, that's good. That tastes good. As I was drinking it, I'm like, this tastes like shit. Like, this isn't good. I don't enjoy this. Honestly, this is a little weird, but Donald Trump got me sober because there was no, I liked the Napa Valley red wine, and I couldn't get Napa Valley red wine. So I was like, ah, well, it's not worth it. You know, I'm not going to drink. So weird. Weird roundabout way, his tariffs in that thing, you know. Oh, I see. Because we don't have American booze. I was like, wow, there's no point in drinking wine, you know, if I can't have my favorite, you know.
Speaker 1My dad went to a party the other day where he was bragging to me about how the people had so much money that they paid someone to go to Alberta to get bourbon and bring it back to Ontario for their party because there's people that were drinking bourbon there. I was like, oh, my God.
Speaker 2That's wild. But it's like. And so that just shows also, like, the level of addiction that you can have for something where it's like, oh, no, like, I only have my thing, you know. I'm not going to drink Ontario red wine. I'm not going to drink BC. It's like, no, Napa Valley, I've got to spend 80 bucks or something on a bottle of wine, which is just stupid, you know. But for whatever reason, it wasn't available, so I didn't get the wine and I wasn't off to the races.
Speaker 1Well, I'm glad you're here, man. I mean. It's, for me, my last relapse was a bad one. It took me four months to get back in. And to your point, like, I maybe had moments where I was like, this is nice. And when I think back now, I don't miss the high. And I say this all the time. Like, I don't, it's not the high that I miss. It's the lack of responsibility that I lacked. Being able to just kind of throw your phone away, not look at your calendar, not have to be an adult, kick your shoes off. That's, that's where my cravings go, right? And so like my last relapse, there was a lot of that. But I had four months of that where I was surfing from hotel to hotel because my wife kicked me out. I was like living the dream in some moments because I had freedom, which is, it's asinine, right? It's insane because I was dying every day inside. Like I hated it. I absolutely hated it. But that little bit of, again, like that little bit of lack of responsibility, I got this under control because I can do whatever I want. I can choose my next move. That's what it is for me. It's like this illusion of control that drugs and alcohol bring me, but it's absolute chaos, right? Yeah. Absolute chaos. And yeah, to your point, it's like, um, I was not having fun, but it was really hard for me to go back to rehab the third time. And I'm happy I did because I mean, I got to a point where, uh, I w for one, I ran out of money. I didn't run out of drugs. I ran out of money and, um, I would have found a place to keep going, but I was just at a point where I was getting kicked out of the Royal York downtown, um, because I couldn't afford to stay another night. And, uh, I think I've told this story before, but I'll tell it again quickly. Uh, I'm sitting in the lobby and I'm trying to like move funds around on my phone to like stay there another night. Cause I wanted to keep going and it was just so exhausting, dude. Like I was so exhausted. I had ordered Uber eats and similar situation where everything was just going wrong. Like the guy delivered my food, like six blocks down, I hadn't eaten in like 24 hours, I had to go and get my food. Like, it was just all these things were just like, dude, just stop. Like, you know, you have a wee, a rehab bed. I'm waiting for you. Just, you know what I mean? And, uh, couldn't find money, all this stuff. And they're like, so we're gonna have to like clear out your room. I'm like, okay, you know, fine. I'll go get my stuff. She's like, no, no, the security guard is coming down. He'll escort you out. I was like, oh, fuck my room. I had like, probably, you know, every single countertop had drugs on it. Right. All my, like I was doing ketamine and Coke at the time and all these pills and everything was all over the place. I was like, no, no, no. Like, don't worry. I got it. She's like, no, no, he's going to come. I'm sitting in the lobby and it probably, it felt like an hour waiting for the guy. I mean, I was probably 10 minutes and I, to your point, I'm in my head. I'm like all these people in the lobby know exactly what's going on. They're all looking at me. What a piece of shit. Like, how did I get here again? Like I was doing so well. How did I get here again? I'm getting kicked out of a hotel. All these people are living their lives and here I am like lower than dirt. Right. So the guy comes, he's, he's got like the James Bond fucking earpiece and he's wearing a suit. I'm like, oh my, I'm going to jail. Like a hundred percent. I'm going to jail. He's like, let's go. We get in the elevator, it's like four floors felt like it was 60 floors, right? Just me and him in the elevator. At one point I turned to him and I just go, buddy, like, do you mind if like, and I'm like, I'm drawing up this conversation in my head, like, okay, we gotta like ask him so we don't go to jail. Right. Like, do you mind if I just like clean out my room and you like, give me a few minutes. He looks at me, he just goes, oh yeah, of course. No problem. We go to my room and he leaves. He's like, I'll be back in 20 minutes. I was like, oh, thank God I opened the door. My clothes are everywhere. It took me like half an hour and then of course. What's the first thing I do? I take a bump of ketamine and I'm walking around my room cleaning up and I don't know if you've ever done ketamine before. I'm like fucking like teetering over. I can't see I'm sweating. I'm trying to clean up. I'm like, like, why is that my first response? It's like, you said it, I was so uncomfortable and there was so many emotions of like, oh my God, like how did I get here that I couldn't handle it. And I needed to do drugs to like cope with that feeling. And so I eventually got out, I'm dragging my clothes, like a homeless guy down the street and I call my wife and I'm like, I'm done. Right. Like I'm. I'm absolutely done. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to use anymore. And, uh, you know, that was almost nine months ago and hopefully this is my last time because, uh, I hear this said a lot, but I, I agree with it. It's like, I, I definitely have another relapse in me, but I don't know if
Speaker 2I have another recovery, man, I can honestly say that, you know, that's where I was with this last one where I was just like, okay, I got to nip this in the bud quick because I know how bad it can get, like the bottom. My bottom before that, like, cause this doesn't really sound like a bottom, like, oh, that was your aha moment. You had like an argument with your mom and then you drank for one day. The bottom came like months before that, like last summer I had had like, so long story short, like I got ran over by a car when I was, when I was, um, you know, I was in active addiction. I got ran over by a car, then I got sober and there was. There was like, I got after like five years, I got a settlement and after I got that settlement, I like went off so dangerous, like it, dude, it was just like giving that amount of money and I was just like, oh my God, dude. Um, so I was like, I was all over the place, man. I went to Costa Rica for a month. I went to like Scotland, Ireland, Portugal for three weeks, went to Mexico twice. Dude, I was drunk one night at a fucking comedy bar. I was drunk there. And in the morning I woke up on an airplane landing in fucking Mexico. I booked a trip to Mexico while I was blackout drunk.
Speaker 1And you got yourself there somehow?
Speaker 2Yeah, I got there, got on the airport, like. We're efficient people. Got on the flight, oh yeah. We're determined. Well, I think what it was, was I had been cut off a couple months before I got cut off of the one flight. I can't remember if I got kicked out of the, I don't think I got kicked off the flight, but I definitely wasn't allowed to. Sit in the one seat. I think maybe they kicked me off the flight. I can't quite remember how it was. I think it was, I had paid for the emergency exit and then they wouldn't let me sit there cause I was too drunk. You're not helping anybody. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They were like, you're not going to help anybody. I'm like, yeah, I am. And, uh, so I think I was so like hyper aware of that, that I like went through all the motions and I was like, oh, I'm going to be like, I'm good. And, uh, yeah, I like came to you on the plane. We were like, just land. And I like looked at the girl next to me. I'm like, are we landing in Mexico? And she was like, yeah. I'm like, fuck. I knew it. Cause I'd be. looking at it the day before i'd been looking at flights and it was like it was a cheap flight and like you know i was like all right and so then i was like i didn't know though i landed and i'm like fuck did i book a hotel room did i book everything i didn't know that as soon as my phone clicked on i was like oh i got a deal on the flights the hotel rooms i like got a super good deal on it i'm like man i'm bargain shopping while i'm hammered i don't have a problem yeah pretty good right i have a solution yeah and so then i i posted a thing i was at the pool then i had a beer and i posted a thing and it was my she's my ex now but we were off and on and we had been off and on at the time and she called me and she's like are you in fucking mexico right now and i'm like yeah it appears so and she's like i am so disappointed in you like she just gave me the riot act and i was just kind of like whatever and i went on like a run for like four or five days and i was like oh my god i'm so disappointed in you like she just gave me the riot act and i like i was like i was at that point where it was like i honestly didn't care man i was like it was like you said like to fuck it i was like oh i'm gone like i don't have responsibility i don't need that what does it matter like oh i'm gonna do the same thing back in toronto i might as well do it on a beach or a hotel in mexico right and um so i had like so i blew all this money over like a two-year period and then last year i was in new york i went down there for a comedy show and at the comedy show i started doing blow with these guys and then that night we're doing blow to like four in the morning downtown like lower manhattan new york like i don't even know how i got home like anyways i get back to the hotel and this story is crazy i'll match like your hotel story the shame of it so i get a so i'm staying at home and i'm like i'm gonna go to the hotel and i'm like i'm gonna go to the hotel and downtown time square new york and i get back to the hotel it's like three in the morning something like that i got a bag i got a bottle of wine and i got some joints and i'm like what am i gonna do drink in my hotel room my hotel room is so small and like depressing i was like yeah i'm gonna try and get on the roof and so i like took like i went out to the top floor took a fire escape and i got i'm resourceful man i went out drunk i'm resourceful i get out onto the rooftop and it was crazy dude the view there were all these skyscrapers it was like an adam sandler movie you know and i sat up on top of the roof like like the sun was down you know i'm looking at all the skyscrapers in the night and i'm drinking booze and like it was it was kind of cool i'm not gonna lie but once coke was gone once the wine was gone and once the joints were gone i was like well maybe i should just jump you know if i'm up here maybe i should just jump and i didn't because i was like oh i want to try like a a jewish like new york bagel i was like i'm gonna have a bagel tomorrow that was the thought that i was like okay don't kill yourself go have like the locks and it's like the locks and smear i think it's called yeah so i wanted to get the bagel in the morning so i go down to my room i pass out and i wake up like 20 minutes later and i've got like crippling anxiety like i'm coming off the coke now and i'm like dude just do it like go up there and jump off like who cares my family at that time wasn't talking to me my ex was gone like i had literally damaged every relationship of my life and i just didn't feel like there was a point in anything and i was like all right i'm gonna go up there and i'm gonna jump but i sleep naked so i'm like well what am i gonna put my clothes on to do it like no i'm gonna do it naked because if i just jumped off my friends would be like dude you hear about brayden like he jumped off a hotel and you're like yeah but you hear he did it naked it's like well he was a funny guy right so i was like okay i'm gonna do it naked so i get up there and like i go to jump i can't do it and i start crying i pray i'm like god why like why do i why am i so messed up why do i think this way everything right and i'm like okay i've decided i'm gonna live you know i'm not gonna jump but now i go down to get back in my room and my room's locked and i'm naked so it's all like 4 30 in the morning and i'm like well 4 30 in the morning i'll be able to go down to the lobby i'll just go to the front desk and get a key from them like that's just that's my only option i don't have another i've tried kicking the door down didn't work so i go down the fire escape and i like walk down the stairs i found there was like laundry hamper i found like
Speaker 1a hand why did you have to oh from the roof you went down the line yeah yeah so i went down the
Speaker 2stairs right i didn't want to go down the elevator i was like i was hiding man i'm naked and so i like going down the fire escapes and i found like this laundry thing and there wasn't like a full size towel it was like a little hand towel so i like just barely wrapped it like couldn't even cover me it just covered my dink and uh so i got that and i get down into the lobby and i'm like all right just run up to the front desk get a key no problem right i step out of the fire escape stairs and time square new york 4 30 in the morning 70 people in the lobby bumping and i'm just like i should go to the lobby i should go to the lobby i should go to the lobby i should go to the lobby i should have jumped i'm just like what the fuck am i gonna do so i seen like i look over the elevator was just closing i like jumped in the elevator because i'm like 70 people staring at me naked jump in the elevator there's a couple in there and they're like looking at me like what the fuck and i'm just like like look down i think i maybe said something smart to him like good morning or like you know i don't know so i get to my floor i go up to my room and i like just try like breaking down the door i'm like banging on the door and i'm like what the fuck am i gonna do on it still naked i'm like fuck gotta get in gotta get in i can't get in so i go and i go back into the lobby or into the fire escape and i'm just on the stairs and i just like broke down and i just started crying and i was on my knees and i prayed and i was like god i'm like get me out of this please i'm like please i'm sorry like i'll work out the relationships with my family i'll get sober again you know i'll work on my mental health like i'll do therapy like please just get me out of this i need you right now please get me out of this as soon as i said that prayer i walked down one flight of stairs and on the side of the or on the wall there was a phone just sitting on the wall phone and right above it said lobby oh my god i pick it up or no yeah it said lobby and i pick it up and this girl goes front desk and i'm like i got locked out of my hotel room i'm naked and she just goes we'll send someone up like she's heard it all yeah but i swear if you went there right now that phone's not there that was my god like that was my higher power he put that phone there he bailed me out and at that time i was like that was the bottom like that was like really really bad that was the bottom and then i was like okay i need uh i need i didn't get sober right after that you know i went to a psych or uh not a psychiatrist i should have went there i went to uh what's the palm readers oh um
Speaker 1a psychic yes like yeah yeah yeah yeah i went to one of them the next day and i was like let's see
Speaker 2if she knew what last night it was like but um yeah so the wheels were the wheels were back in motion at that time because i had had two years before that and then i went out and it was like three years and that's where this like really came to yeah yeah and that's crazy i mean it's like as
Speaker 1you tell that story you know you can laugh about it and it sounds like you know it's just one of um but even as i tell my stories too it's like you remember what that was like you know and those feelings like not a lot of things in life bring that amount of chaos in your brain and your emotions and it's it's just a horrible place to be right it's a horrible place to be and then like i'm gonna kill myself i'm not gonna kill myself like this back and forth it's just like yeah that's where addiction brings us right that's that's where addiction brings us but uh i mean yeah if everybody had one bottom like there'd be a lot less treatment for them and then like a lot less you know addiction resources because we wouldn't need it yeah we're stubborn right and addiction is is is patient it's cunning it's baffling it's powerful um so yeah i can i can resonate with that for sure that's uh that's hectic man yeah it was nuts um what's comedy like today like what have you been so did you used to do stand-up like hammered or have you all yeah so what's the how is that what's that like the difference um
Speaker 2i don't it's weird because i felt like i was always like like drinking or something gave me an edge when i was on stage um i'd always you know i always thought that i'd do well you know when i was drunk but there are there's definitely shows that i didn't do well when i was drunk but i didn't remember them because i was like oh who cares you know um but for the most part like i did do really good when i was drunk and i i told my friends that i was drunk and i told my friends that like oh i need to have a couple beers before i go up oh i need a little buzz on to get up because when i go on stage if i've been drinking my saskatchewan comes out like way more bud and on stage like people kind of like that here and like a little different especially if they're not from yeah so i always thought that it gave me an advantage but now that i've been sober and i perform i'm like oh no like it's just like anything that you think you're better at drunk you're better at it sober with like a full brain and like a full you know emotions not being numbed like that's a big one is like like pot like i'd always smoke pot before going on stage and then like i'd be like i'd have a good act i'd have a good set but like i'm also like numbing like you know 50 of my emotions you know before i go up there i'm not being like energetic and i'm being like you know what i mean um it's not you right no so now that i'm like completely like unfiltered and it's like 100 raw coming from the gut it's complete sober emotions and stuff come out and i'm like my act is way better now than it than it ever was my brain's quicker it's like it formulates jokes faster sometimes it's like like when i when i had the slip 37 days ago i had i came up with ideas because i had like smoked a joint and then i was like oh that's a good you joke that's a good premise i should do that and i was just like dude like the creativity and i'm like see i need this i need this but in reality i'm not doing any of those jokes right now i think i tried them i think i tried them once or twice and they didn't do well and i'm like oh this wasn't as funny as i thought it was you know we don't do that to you yeah i i do perform better it's tough managing sometimes the sometimes the emotions of it like if it's a big show the nerves come in and it's like oh yeah i gotta get used to like being nervous again you know yeah that's tough but but being nervous and going on stage can play in your bed like can play in your favor like you can take those butterflies and like fly the butterflies in your stomach that you have like that nervousness and you can like you can ride them like you can fly with that nervousness like it makes it better i find um but it is tough like sometimes even after doing really good on like a big pack show you do really good and then you come off you're like like you get a kick like being on stage in front of a crowd of audiences like a high in itself you know like you get a dopamine rush from it so when you come off your heart's just like like just pounding um i'd be managing it for the most part now but um it's more so the atmosphere could be tough to managing like you know you're hanging out in bars with other you know friends who you used to drink with all the time and they're drinking it and everybody's respectful nobody's being like hey man have a shot like you know oh what are you doing like everybody knows how like i fucking burned my life to the ground from drinking so they're not going to be like yeah that'd be a good idea for brayden to relapse like everybody's like no i respect that you don't and everybody's like happy that i don't um because i'm a better person when i'm sober but it is tough navigating you know being around certain people not certain people just just people drinking you know you i can handle it i can take it but then once people get it once it's like 11 o'clock at night and you see a little more sloppy or it's a thing there's a switch and you go oh it's time for me to go time for me to go yeah and and
Speaker 1i mean that's the difference now too for for me too um i don't really go out to clubs as much as i used to when i first got sober because i do love dancing i love music i i don't really go to bars because to me like so i have to have a motive before i go anywhere in sobriety and like i have to i have to have the right motive i'll say that um if i'm going as it says in the literature like if i'm going to things to steal vicarious pleasure from people you know what i mean or i'm just going because like you know i miss drinking and like i just want to be a part of the buzz or whatever i try i try to go now i try to go in with the motive of i'm going to bring good conversation to the to the party and because i do i enjoy conversations yeah i started a podcast i enjoy good conversations a lot of interesting people out there yeah but i have to check that shit before i go um especially with nightclubs especially because my last relapse i spent a lot of time going to after hours by myself yeah like you know you meet the odd person in passing and uh like you know uh there's a lot of interesting people out there oh yeah you know in denial or maybe not in denial maybe they're i don't know it's not for me to say um but uh yeah i've i've met some very interesting people in that that lifestyle that i don't miss whatsoever but uh but yeah so um i try to i try to like i said try to have a good motive before i go and uh if i'm going with any other reason other than like i'm gonna just enjoy the conversation then i i really don't you know i try not to go but to your point there is a point where it just there's no purpose for me to be there anymore because people have passed that threshold people start turning into zombies in the uh in the you know with respect to the clubbing scene and yeah but with the bar scene or anything like that um they yeah there's there's comes a point where people just kind of turn off and you're like yeah i'm i've i've gotten everything i can out of this situation and time to move on right um how do you handle i'm assuming you've bombed before right never everyone that comes here they're like but i'm always curious to to like because like a lot of people handle it really well um and what's what's that like and how do you kind of bounce back from that and what's that like and how do you kind of bounce back from that
Speaker 2yeah i mean i'm i'm someone where i'll say i don't bomb often there's a few bombs that i remember um none that i can really remember in sobriety i don't think i've really bombed in sobriety um um the worst bomb i had was in edinburgh uh fringe festival in scotland and i was blacked out drunk like i wasn't blacked i knew it was happening but i was like that whole festival i was drinking non-stop i was doing coke i was smashing guinness like i was just i was off the rails i had lost my voice and i did a show in front of like it was sold out it was my own show sold out 50 people they were all from south england and off the start i like i called cunts but i meant to like bring it back onto me and be like oh i'm a cunt too but i didn't do that so all these like posh like london like south england people like preppy like oxford folk were like he just called those cunts and they i did i did a show for it was like 55 minutes straight and they maybe laughed twice oh that's rough twice people like got up and left this family got up and left and i was just like man i'm a cunt i was trying to give them everything i was like rasping my jokes and i'm like hey why will you laugh you know and i just kept going and going and i was just like at the end of it i went thank you i've been brady lynch and not one of them clapped oh my god i turned my back on them and i just put on music and i waited and i kept looking until they were all gone and then i left and i was just like what happened and then i numb myself that night i kept getting i was just like i think there was a part of me that was like no go home early because i took it bad i was like so in my head like just beating myself up and i was like what happened there man all the other shows have been good and so like edinburgh fringe is a festival that goes for like four weeks straight or three weeks straight so you got shows every single night and then you gotta like bring people to your shows so i woke up the next day and i was like all right tomorrow will be better like you know bounce back and then i was like oh my god i'm gonna go home and i'm gonna i sold out the next night and it was like one of the like top 10 sets of my life like i had laughs like every i'm like how did it go from like massive bomb to being like oh i'm a superstar and i don't know how i how i did that but like the thoughts and stuff in my head at that time were like oh you should quit comedy you suck you're the worst like of course they hated you you hate yourself like all those voices man and it's tough when that happens even like so i've been doing more acting now and i've been learning that i have to do that with acting because there's just as much rejection there's more rejection in acting than there is success and i've gotten a few gigs but you know even last week i thought i booked a commercial you know they asked if i was available for the shoot date and i'm like yeah i'm like i'm in the avails that means it's between like me and maybe one other guy and so i'm like yeah i got it over again things are going good you know and that was on friday then this monday came didn't hear from him tuesday didn't hear from him and then it just went to oh you're a piece of shit there's that rejection and like i'm the worst with rejection and i'm just like oh you're going to be alone the rest of your life you suck you should quit acting nothing's going right you're a loser and i just listen to all those voices and it's tough man i've been talking to my uh to my sponsor about it and he's like yeah but those things aren't true he's like you are a success he's like you got to the he's like you got to the last stage before booking the commercial it was between you and one other guy out of probably a hundred others like you are a success you didn't drink today that's a success yeah yeah like he's like stop like beating yourself up and he'll always say that he's like there's nothing i could say to you that is worse than what you say to yourself and it's like that's just true with every alcoholic or addict right like we just beat ourselves up non-stop so that's a part where i'm like i'm still learning how to navigate that a bit i'm still trying to grow in that a little bit and be like oh there's rejection there or oh that person doesn't like me oh that woman doesn't want to date me how to like just be okay with that without this inner child this inner kid going see i told you we were a fuck we're like whatever like i just want to be loved like i don't know man i try and do it like i've noticed if i have my regular routine i do my gratitude list i pray i meditate i find it easier that i can catch those voices when they start coming and going oh that's not true you're here you're now you know where are you here what time is it now i'd be like did i drink today no i didn't i am a success so weird and it's like you're here you're now you know where are you here what time is it now and i'd be like did i drink you're here you're now you know where are you here what time is it now and i'd be like did i drink so tough reminding yourself of those of those wins you know especially with the way the world is right now you know all the negativity in the past couple weeks it's it's easy to get caught up in that stuff but a couple weeks ago i was feeling this way feeling this rejection and stuff and i was walking down like tiff was on and i was like oh you know i would love to be like in one acting in one of these movies and stuff like that and like oh i'm never gonna get there i'm a failure voices in my head going and i just stopped and i was like dude you were in a movie last month you have an agent you consistently go for callbacks you're doing stand-up comedy you have a comedy tour coming up next month you're recording an album what do you mean you're a failure you've done all the things years ago before i even moved out here this was all i ever wanted i had wrote down on a piece of paper i hope i wish one day i wish i would wish on like 11 11s on shooting stars i would say i wish that i live in toronto and i and i act and i do comedy and i have a condo downtown i have all those things now so why do if i have all those things that i wish for 10 years ago why if i have the life that i wish for do i still find a way to be like you're a loser you're a mess up you're a failure you suck you don't have any like well what do you mean i'm literally living my dream life yet i convince myself every day my disease rather or my negative thinking convinces me every day or tries to convince me every day that i don't that i'm a failure and i need to worry about something but that's also an indication of being like oh well maybe i'm not in the moment right now maybe i'm not in the present how can i bring this back to like you know getting out of my head that's where i think when people talk about like service in the program that's a huge thing because it gets you out of your head and you know and that maybe that's where i'm faltering right now and you know even just saying this out loud right now is kind of like a check and balance for me being like oh maybe i should do more service maybe i should help more people you know then i would get out of my head instead of waking up and going oh i need to do this oh i need to do a tour here oh i need to get success on this platform or why don't i have this yeah why don't i have this why don't i have that i can relate so much
Speaker 1man it's so hard for us to be grateful like it really gratitude eludes me like every single day and that's why the gratitude list is so important because uh one of my favorite quotes too as you were saying that and uh i can relate to that so much but one of my favorite quotes and i wanted to get this printed on a t-shirt it was like remember when you wanted what you have now and you you said that right it's like there was a day where you're like dude i'd do anything to fucking get in a fucking movie or get to toronto or and now you have it and it's like yeah well you know what's next because it's never enough the material things are never enough you know and that's why gratitude comes in and plays such a big role but it's it's really tough man so i appreciate you saying that because i think a lot of people can resonate with that you know yeah i think so just being happy where you're at being where your feet are it's it's a skill that needs to be practiced
Speaker 2every day i have a tough time with the gratitude list like i'll find that i'll just say the same things every day and like it still works those are things i am grateful for but i'll be like is there anything else surely there could be something new i'm grateful for then it's like i i'll write down weird things on my gratitude list like i'm grateful for you know my ex and causing you know the toxicity that she did because now i've changed you know i'm grateful for my life experiences that made me hit a bottom like which is like some people think that's counterintuitive but i think that's a good thing it's kind of like a remember thing you know yeah that uh adversity
Speaker 1is a gift yeah it just you just don't see it yet right 100 oh it's amazing man um let's wrap up with this because uh i i got a lot today thanks for coming down man i appreciate it let's wrap up with this this is awesome thank you um if you could say something to someone coming off a fresh
Speaker 2relapse right now what would you say to them uh be kind to yourself just um yeah as my sponsor told me picture yourself is like a newborn baby you know if you were holding a newborn baby there's nothing that that newborn baby could do that would make you be like oh you're stupid or like smack it or anything like you're gonna treat that with like the most care and love a baby in your arms that's how you should treat yourself love that forgive yourself there's an old you and now there's a new you coming off a yourself forgive yourself treat yourself like that new baby and get to meetings get to meetings go to a meeting every day get a sponsor call your sponsor try and work the steps and when you're thinking of drinking call someone call someone who's done it who's done the 12 steps who's or who's sober if that's not your avenue if the 12 steps isn't your avenue just surround yourself with like-minded people but like first and foremost like be kind and forgive yourself and be loving towards yourself love that yeah that's awesome man thanks so much
Speaker 3brother appreciate you thank you buddy thanks for listening please help us grow the channel and like share and subscribe for more content the discussions and stories shared on this podcast are for informational and motivational purposes only this content is not a substitute for professional medical advice addiction treatment or therapy if you or someone you know is struggling with addiction please consult a licensed physician addiction specialist or mental health professional you are no longer alone you
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