I was 15. He was 24.

Welcome to the Episode: Acknowledging Sensitive Topics That was so shit, I have to go. Speaker 2 Again I feel. Speaker 1 Like mine was a low, mine was a skull in a sip. Speaker 3 That's what mine felt like. Speaker 1 I did well this time. I'm so proud of myself. Speaker 2 I can't do it. I can't. Speaker 3 Do it either. Speaker 1 I am. Speaker 2 I think I had a lip flip recently and it stopped the movement from the. Speaker 3 Hang on. Yeah. I'm like, it's something's not right here. It's not maybe. Speaker 1 No, I had one of them and I swear I'd never do it again. I couldn't drink out of a straw. I looked weird. Speaker 2 Yeah, that's happened. See. Speaker 1 It yeah, next anyone that we asked to come on the podcast will be like, can't have a boat flip because we're nearly three months. Don't do it. Speaker 3 We need you for the ASMR. Speaker 2 Anyway, welcome. Welcome, babe. I'm so cute. We're so excited to have you. Thank you. A little background, I've think I've been following Chelsea now for a few years and then when she followed me back I was like, Oh my God, such a lesbian thing to do. But I'm so happy that you did. Speaker 3 Yeah, I loved it. I saw your video. You must have been in the Outback doing some jump squats or something. Fuck, Was that when you first? Yeah, when you first saw me, that was. Speaker 2 Years. Speaker 1 Ago the country. Speaker 3 Girl. And I was like, Oh my God, who is this chick? She's so hot. I was. Speaker 2 Doing I remember I was in the back of my Nan's house and I was doing some deadlifts with Cam manure 'cause Oh my God, what's wrong? Speaker 3 You're doing all sorts of, like, odd things out 'cause there's nothing. Yeah, obviously no weights and whatnot for you to use, but I just remember scrolling through it and I was like, this girl is like killing it with nothing. Who's this fucking lunatic? Yeah, she's like, gorgeous, but I was like, she live out here. No one gets to see this woman. Like what the hell? Speaker 2 She's in the back, she's in the Outback, and no one gets. Speaker 3 Into everyone is thinking, I was like, oh. Speaker 2 Well, thank you. Thank you so much for following me back and, you know, going on this journey of us. Yeah, conversing over the past. I know, however long it's been, but so this is this is a good episode because each the last episode we did, Nova got to choose a guest. Nice. So you're my choice. You're welcome. You are my choice. Yeah. So Nova doesn't really know that much about. OK. You. Yes. Speaker 1 So I'll be coming from the lens of the viewers. Yeah. Yeah. Like those questions, you know, when you listen to a podcast, you're like, ask him this, ask him that. And then it's so refreshing when you hear that, like Diaries of CEO, when I listen to that, I'm like, oh, just this so refreshing because he asks every question that I just like, want to hear the answer to. Yes, I'm going to come from that angle. Speaker 2 Yeah. So I did that angle and I'll do pretty much most of the question asking, OK. Prior to this, prior to obviously arranging for Chelsea to come on, we had a conversation about what was like not to be touched on, what was to be touched on, and she's an open book, so I'm really grateful. There will be just a little disclaimer, guys, a few sensitive topics that we will be touching on today in the way of things like domestic violence, infidelity and grooming in a relationship. So if anyone is sensitive to those topics, just wanting to let you know that we will be touching on those. So your choice if you choose to listen. Speaker 1 Yeah, maybe don't listen to this potty out loud in the car with four. Speaker 2 Children that yes, I mean to be fair, most of our most of our friends that have children can't listen to us with the kids present anyway, 'cause I swear to mum. Speaker 1 Yeah, so I'm out with some weird outbursts. Like some? Really. Speaker 2 I get the whole why does aniyahs say those words? And I'm just like, oh. Speaker 1 Babe, turn off the threesome mum. Speaker 2 But just curious, two boys, one girl or two girls, yeah. But yes, I just want to dive straight in and just get a little bit of a background on you, Chelsea and just like dive in and. Speaker 3 Is that your? Yeah. What the I must have turned it from silent to office red hot. Oh. Speaker 2 Jeez. Speaker 3 Put it the wrong way. Speaker 2 Yeah, just basically diving in and giving us a little bit of a background on like, I guess who you are, you don't have to dive in on career stuff. Yep. So anyone that follows you is gonna know that you're in real estate. You know, she does amazing tips and tricks and puts out a lot of free educational advice on real estate. Yeah. Which is fantastic on both her TikTok and her Instagram. Yeah, we'll shout out there. No worries. Heywood Property. Speaker 3 Yes, Heywood property, yes, I've tried to separate the two just because obviously my lifestyle and the stuff that I share in terms of Co parenting relationships is very separate. So I used to share it all in the one. Yeah, now I just needed. Speaker 1 To you have to keep the business separate. Yeah, absolutely. Speaker 2 Yeah, for sure. Meeting Him at 15: The Start of a 14-Year Toxic Relationship So yeah, deep dive, babe. Just give us a rundown. Who are you? Speaker 3 Well I mean I'm still figuring that out. It's crazy. I met my ex fiance when I was 15 years old. Now I did in the beginning lie to him and I said I was 21. Damn don't. I may have shared that way back in the beginning. Speaker 2 I don't recall that information. Speaker 3 As I say, yeah, yeah, if you watch, you may not have recalled. So I initially told me I was 21. I was 15/20/16. Speaker 1 Holy shit. Speaker 3 He. Speaker 1 Was I'm scared of his age right now? You're about to say yeah. Speaker 3 2324 But what happened was so obviously there was no intimacy or anything like that. But what happened was, is that I started to catch real feelings and I was like, Oh my God, I need to tell this man my real age. Because surely the minute I tell you, you're gonna piss off and you're gonna be like, oh, what the hell? Speaker 1 How long into this? Speaker 3 Six months. Speaker 1 Was there friends and family around that were finding this strange? Yeah. I wanna, I wanna know who comes 'cause. Speaker 2 Yeah, I've got. Speaker 3 A plethora of questions. Speaker 2 Ready to go but jump here. Speaker 3 Yes, there were, but also they weren't aware of what his age was. And I think I actually like when I think about it, I think I told him that he was younger. Speaker 2 You've you've laughed for the him as well, Yeah. Speaker 3 Because I just knew what they would think. My parents and stuff didn't know at this point. But then I told him my age. I remember standing at the front of Supriyo. I was working there at the time. Speaker 2 I. Speaker 3 Can still like I'm just standing like ruffling through the racks trying to work up the courage doing. Speaker 2 Your VM. Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. And he's walking past and I'm like, oh, here, I've got to do it. And so we came over and I just said I've got something to tell you. I'm really sorry, but I lied about my age. I am 15, turning about to turn 16. At first he was like, Oh my God, like, you know, Nah. But that didn't stop him whatsoever. He continually chased me. I went to the gym like it was the interaction at the gym. Speaker 2 Girl, you were in the gym at 1516, girl. Yeah. Speaker 3 As soon as I got my my first job or if I no I had reached the appropriate age to join the gym, yeah. Speaker 2 What is that 16? It's usually like 1516 depending on depending on like development of the body. Speaker 3 And I did have yeah, I got my mom's signature to agree to. Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah 'cause weight lifting and stuff is detrimental if you don't do it correctly and if you're ready. Speaker 1 Yeah, but I see people who are at all ages not doing it correctly in the gym. Speaker 2 They're all they're not minors. They're not minors. We'd never let anyone in the gym under 14. Yeah, no shit. Speaker 3 I've got I've so I did to see quite a few younger people at worlds too. Speaker 1 Yeah, they usually I see them with parents, the boys. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah. Or PT. Yeah, we take Andy. Speaker 2 'S girl something? Yeah, well, not often. Speaker 1 I can't wait. Oh my God, I can't wait. Sorry, we just completely. Speaker 2 Digressed and deviated off that. Speaker 3 Yeah, so, so yeah. So I told him my real age and it didn't stop him at all from chasing me. Also, though, this is the thing, right? Because in my mind, when I think about it, obviously my parents, my dad was like, they were like, fuck no, this isn't happening. Speaker 2 Yeah, true, right. Speaker 3 My dad would like because my parents aren't together. Speaker 1 So they found out. Speaker 3 Yes, because I told them yeah over Sizzler. Speaker 2 One night. Speaker 1 I brought this up the other day over that Sizzler. Speaker 2 Cheesy. Speaker 1 Guy. Speaker 3 Sizzler's coming back red. Fanta Sizzler. Speaker 1 'S coming back. Speaker 3 Yeah, So what? No. Speaker 1 Sizzler's coming back. Speaker 3 I know I came back to Sydney. I know so I know. So Mum was sitting there. I had dad on the phone and I just wanted to tell him. And then he's like, pass the phone to your mother. Like, you know, it went off and he's like, this can't be happening. You can't allow this. Like, are you serious? And obviously she's like I've tried but she's not listening. Speaker 2 Well, not many teenage girls. Well, not at that age. Speaker 3 No, no. And I was adamant that this was like the love of my life, like there was nothing that nobody could do to take my life. You love deeper that. Speaker 1 Age. Oh my God, you. Speaker 2 Do like this is the world is going to and. Speaker 1 Toxic straight away when you're that age like it's like and the obsession, the codependency it. Speaker 3 Is it is it was like the consistent dopamine hit two of someone being that age and being interested in me because I was like how like, you know, surely not. But anyway, yeah, he was. So it kept me. Speaker 2 Of course he was. You were fucking. Speaker 3 Target, I know, and now that I see that now, but you don't at the time. And that's what I think a lot of young women need to be really aware of is that if you are that young and you've never been with someone and someone is that old to steer clear like you. Speaker 1 Listen. But your parent. But you didn't listen. I know. And you know what? Like it's happening all the time. Like all the time. Listen to their parents No. Speaker 2 Listen to a hot older sister version. Speaker 1 But your life has to learn this and you would you would have come out of this in in such a like a way better way. But you have to go through these kinds of things and unfortunately. Speaker 3 I don't know, 14 years, yeah. So he has been my only. Speaker 2 14 years. Speaker 3 From that age to 2 1/2 years ago. Speaker 1 Holy Shell 2. Speaker 3 Kids, Yeah. Speaker 2 They do have two kids. They're pretty cute though. Oh. Speaker 1 My God, you're like, you're like stepping out in out of this. Speaker 3 Yeah, so for the first time in my life, yeah, I've, I've never not known who I was outside of being his fiance, their mom, the real estate agent that everyone comes like, yeah. Speaker 1 Or even just like learning about only one person sexually as well, correct? You know what I mean? Sorry, but I have to say it. I'm not just like. Speaker 2 One penis I would like to be like. Speaker 3 And I was like too. Speaker 1 Bad at that. 18 years, yeah. Speaker 2 Yeah, so big yeah. Real world you like that was. Speaker 3 Fucking oh. Speaker 1 Micro next guy Imagine. Speaker 3 No, the the first guy after him, I was like, fucking Jesus, thank God for blessing me with this man. Like because obviously I could have gone from worst to worst. Yeah. Speaker 2 But also, can I just say, was the first person that you came out to a slice of vanilla or was he caramel because you like the caramel boys too generally? Speaker 3 No, I love vanilla. You love vanilla? So my type has always been European. Speaker 1 It was like never. Speaker 3 Island Islanders like it was never. Speaker 2 I know you would. That's why you don't need to know her. Trust me. I was like, I've got it sorted Nova. Speaker 3 And she was like, in the end of her paragraph, it was like micro penis. And so I was like, yeah, I know, like it, you know, nothing's changed. Speaker 1 Yeah. Speaker 2 Poor guys so well Bill, so sad they can't do anything about it but also too like don't talk it up bro. Speaker 3 No, but also don't make me believe that there is nothing better. Speaker 2 Ohh, so there's the gas lighting and the like. Speaker 3 Yeah, I mean, obviously you're gonna do what you gotta do to protect yourself, but this? Speaker 1 Is the best you ever get, Chelsea? Speaker 3 But that's what I I, I truly thought that that's what it was. And then I obviously was opened up to a whole. Unveiling His Past: Betrayal, Control, and Family Enabling I've got anxiety. My heart's pounding so hard for you. Like you, poor girl. Speaker 3 I know how sad like. Speaker 1 That's a sad, sad. It's it's not sad. It's there's something kind of great about it. Like you were sheltered in a way of like staying away, but also you. We've got horrible stories there. Yeah, there would be. I don't know the. Speaker 2 Full story. There's a lot of control like. Speaker 3 Yeah, lots of control I. Speaker 2 I don't even need to follow this list, let's just keep it going. Did. Speaker 1 He did. Was there any, when you look at him now and you look at the parents and how he was brought up, is there any correlation there of like, yes, there is. You're seeing the parents and he's stepping into that. Speaker 3 Yes. So his dad was not good at all. His father actually, which is, you know, and it's a story that I have shared before because it used to make me feel really sad for him, but it would also then allow me to excuse the behaviour. Yeah, because I felt sad for what he went through. So you know, one year, school holidays, him and his mum went over to Robert Tonga to surprise his father because he was working over there. Speaker 2 I'm not smiling. Speaker 1 I I already know what this, I don't know how. Speaker 3 Exactly. So flies over there 11 other. Speaker 2 Wives over there, he's. Speaker 3 Got a whole new wife, whole new family and kids because he had multiple sets of twins. Yeah. So I think he, the dad's now got 13 in total, but there's multiple sets of twins, put it. Speaker 1 Away brother and Dicks around. Slim Dicks around. I know. Speaker 2 Tonga. Speaker 3 But with the one wife, Yeah, but the the expectation was though that they would stay in the house. He would have the two wives. Oh, it's A and you know, so obviously his mum was like hell no is. Speaker 2 That a normal thing is that culturally. Speaker 3 I don't think so, no. Speaker 2 I don't know anything about Rarotong. Speaker 3 No, no, no, it was certainly cult like is what, you know, he used to refer to as. And yeah, so the his mum was like, no, I'm not doing that. So she jumped on a plane back to Brisbane, unfortunately left James there. Speaker 1 What? Speaker 3 Yeah, so she she flew back to Australia. Speaker 1 She went to Australia with a child and then left No. Speaker 2 She went to Waratah with the child, came back without the child, left the child in the care of the father. Therefore, look at that the model there of his dad. But why? Speaker 3 But she, so she did that to like not out a plan as to how she was going to leave, get him back to Australia to then cut off ties with the father. And she did. She she did what she had to do. Speaker 2 Yeah, fair. Speaker 3 To sort it out. So I, you know, can only imagine what she went through in the pain, the guilt that you've got from that. But the problem is, is that, and I've said this to them both because I learnt the hard way that, you know, parents will enable their children's behavior. Yeah. Speaker 2 Every day of the week? Yeah, every day of the week. Speaker 3 Exactly And and I believe that it's purely because of the guilt that she still holds from. Speaker 1 Yeah, it's a generational trophy. That's right. Yeah, it's, it's generationally passed down like it's. Speaker 3 So she's still trying to heal her own wounds. Speaker 2 Through the kid. Speaker 3 Through the kid and enables his behaviour to do what he does, which is not good. Speaker 2 No. Speaker 3 Like but to see. And The thing is, is that when we got together, he also had a fiance. Speaker 1 Well. Speaker 2 Holy fuck. Yeah. So he was engaged to be wed at 23. He had a 15 year. Speaker 3 Old. He'd been with her for eight years. High school sweethearts. Speaker 1 Where was she? Speaker 3 Exactly this whole time like so. The Six. Speaker 1 Months. What a fucking nightmare. Like how? Speaker 3 In a house, I stressed. Speaker 1 Just every talking to two people and how when I was single. Speaker 3 Had a house, everything and so. Speaker 2 How do these? Speaker 3 People live these double lives, right And. Speaker 1 No, it's there's so much. Speaker 2 Upkeep to it. I used to. Speaker 3 Think, where did she think you were when you were sleeping at my house? Like until like up until it came out. Because what happened was one of my really, really good girlfriends, close as anything. And well, you meet for dinner one night, Christmas Eve. You do, you know the 36 hours trade at Chermside wherever? Speaker 1 So I went to Wavell High for lure. Yeah, I'm from Brisbane Northside. Yeah, I. Speaker 3 Went to Wavell for a bit too. Speaker 1 Did you? How old are? Speaker 3 You I'm 31. Speaker 1 I'm OK. There's maybe, yeah, I've got an $87.00. I'm a 87 baby. Speaker 3 Yeah, but good school. Yeah. Yeah. So we met up for dinner. Sitting down, I get all excited to show them a photo of this new guy I was seeing. Pulled it out because we just, I just got back from the Gold Coast. We went to Dreamworld for the day. You know, you had to get those photos from the brides and whatnot. Anyway, RIP them out. Very juvenile. I know, I know. Good on you. I know. Speaker 2 Really treating her, I know. Speaker 3 Fuck baby showed the girls and my girlfriend went white as a ghost and she was like. Speaker 1 Oh, that poor thing. Speaker 3 She's like, that is my cousin's fiance now. What a small fucking world. Speaker 1 It has to happen. It always. All the truth comes out, no matter what. The universe does this. Yeah, it's insane. Speaker 3 Like insane. It still gives me goosebumps to this day because like what do you what do you mean? Like I was obviously in shock because how the fuck has he had a fiance? I've not known about it. Speaker 2 Oh my God. And eight years deep with the house correct. How? Speaker 3 Are you sleeping away? Speaker 2 From your house and your fiance and her not knowing, I know. Speaker 3 Or what story? And obviously he wasn't saying mine consistently, but on the nights that you were with me, like, where did you think you were at your mom, like? Speaker 1 So what happened in the body and the mind on playing catch up in that moment of you being told that and trying to piece together those words that she said, like it when you would never forget that moment when she said that. It's literally like when you're talking about it now, You can literally close your eyes and just be back at that moment. Yeah. The moment of like realizing the betrayal, what the shit in your mind that comes after that of like looking at the world so differently because you don't trust anything that you see, feel, get to know, because the betrayal is like, how, how the fuck did I not see that? So you're then having to relearn everything around you because you just had the rug pulled out from underneath you. And that's the stuff that people don't actually ever even touch or not talk about. They talk about the story about what had happened and the shock of it, but the aftermath in your mind and your body that you have to kind of rebuild from. But you don't know where to start because you're like, you go to make just normal little decisions in the day and you question yourself on absolutely everything because you're like, I don't know anything anymore. I couldn't. I don't know anything you. Speaker 3 Do I couldn't. Speaker 1 Focus. You. You and you. And you're being really nice to me. Yeah, that's right. A whole rebuild. Speaker 3 It is, and I couldn't focus at work at all. Like I would be serving customers trying to operate the computer. Like I could not like function properly at all the minute my phone would Ding. Speaker 1 Because things drop in your mind going, oh, that happened. He was acting weird that day. He was on his phone. Yeah. It was like everything would just drop into your mind. And it's like, Oh my God, how did I not see that? Speaker 3 Well then that friendship just went down the drain straight away. Speaker 1 As well. Yeah, really. The elephant in the room. Speaker 3 Because I'm like, you know, I, I didn't know obviously if I did, because obviously in that moment, the first thing she did was jump on the phone. Speaker 1 Yeah, 'cause she's. Speaker 3 To call her cousin. Speaker 1 Oh yeah, yeah, as they do. Yeah, the Goss. Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, to tell her. Speaker 2 She's a family member. Speaker 3 Too Well, yeah, yeah, fair enough. So straight away I was like to him, what the you know your you. Speaker 1 Didn't have time to even think about how you were going to approach him. No, because it was about to get to him. Yeah. Speaker 3 So then it just all obviously came out just. Speaker 1 How did he react? Put us in the room? No, he. He. Speaker 3 So Blase didn't care. I was on my way out anyway so I almost like we're using me as a condition. Speaker 2 Yeah, he's conditioning you, though, to be like, oh, well, it's like it. We weren't even really together. We're at the end. That's right. Speaker 3 Yeah, and still to this day. Speaker 2 He makes it look. Speaker 3 He says he is. I never cheated. Speaker 2 Yeah. Speaker 1 Yeah, Oh my God, babe, I can't. Speaker 2 Handle this. I know I we won't know someone like mine. I never cheated. Yes, he fucking did. I have. Speaker 1 I he will never he has. He hates me and it makes me go. Did I was either one who cheated and left a three month old and a 2 year old just out of nowhere. He told the girl that he was leaving us so that he didn't wanna be in a relationship. He didn't love us. We were in the happiest relationship ever, wildest thing. And still to this day, three court cases later, all of this drama and horrible stuff, I'm the hated person and he never sits there and goes, you know what? I did do the wrong thing. Never has never said no. Speaker 2 Accountability. Speaker 1 So I get, but I've never heard anyone else say that someone's gone through that like. Speaker 3 Yeah, still to this day, yes, he doesn't admit to that because in his mind it wasn't cheating. And the problem is, is that one night again and it all makes sense. That's right. And it all makes sense to me now because of how I was then treated by his mum once our shit happened. Because way back we went out one night and then went back to his after the club. And it was the first time I'd gone to his parents house. And I remember the the dog leading me up the staircase. But at that time he was engaged. I had. So why did your mother let me up the fucking stairs? Because if my son was to be engaged to a woman and bring her home. Oh, you better get this chick out this house. Yeah. Call her an Uber. Yeah, or I'll do it or something. Speaker 1 Yeah, I'll be telling the girl this boy is engaged. Yeah, and. Speaker 3 You would not let me in your home? Yeah, No, let me in the home. Woke up the next morning. Speaker 1 Oh, that says a lot. Speaker 3 Yeah, that's right. But then in when the shit went down with us and then I tried to confide in her for help when I was dealing with the backlash from him. Obviously I didn't get the response that I thought I would. But then it took me straight back to that moment of me being at the bottom of that staircase that night. Speaker 2 And then the ex fiance. Speaker 3 And then me remembering that he was engaged at that point. And yes, you. Speaker 2 Left me at those stairs. Speaker 3 Yeah, so now there's. Speaker 2 No loyalty to you? No. That's right. Even though you're the mother of his children. Speaker 3 Right, exactly which he had, obviously, but. Speaker 1 Again, it strips you away from really feeling like you can feel safe in any environment because you're like, if blood or you know, grandparents of kids and and fiance's and long relationships can do that, then who the fuck can I trust? We spoke about this about be like, Yep, I you have to rebuild and not bring that into other relationships and put all of that shit onto them because they don't deserve no, because there isn't that many people out there like this. Speaker 2 No. Speaker 1 But you have to realize that, and that's what it's a long journey. It's the minority that fuck it. Speaker 2 It's horrifying, like they destroy that, Yeah. The Cycle of Cheating: His Ego, Insecurities, and Multiple Affairs They do, and I think the problem is, is that because I stayed so long with that and have been conditioned to that behaviour truly, Like if I didn't leave, I would have thought that that was love. Speaker 2 I was literally just about to say. Speaker 1 Wait, what do you mean? Speaker 2 Like what did you think love looked like back when you were in that age bracket? Like what did you? Speaker 3 Think about fucking cheating constantly, being cheated on constantly. So I there were multiple women throughout the course of our 14 year relationship and I stayed every single time I'd have girlfriends sending me photos of him with other women after he finished training people 'cause he was APT at night and chef during. Oh well, that no I. Speaker 1 See, it's very, it's very conflicting, right? Speaker 3 That's right, yes. So he'd have split. Speaker 2 So rude, but for fuck no we hate him. Speaker 3 I know this is the problem. You see, when they're young, they do what you gotta do to, you know, hook you in and then. But you know, it's funny. Everyone used to say it to me all the time. Oh, he's punching. And I, I get really punching. He's like, oh. Speaker 1 When you think about it, though, like when you put him just there as a person, what the what do you need want, or what are you getting out of treating people in that way? Like, what is it that you're lacking so severely to want to be like this to women? Speaker 3 Yeah, well, for me in the end, because there were five women on the go at once when I. Speaker 2 Yeah, how the fuck? Speaker 3 I know and this was this was the last straw for me because. Speaker 1 He'd be still doing it, I'm sorry, but he still would be. Oh. Speaker 3 Look, I don't I how? Speaker 2 Does he even? Speaker 1 Get that many girls that that shit doesn't change. Speaker 3 It doesn't change. Speaker 1 In their DNA, it is it. Speaker 3 Is the thing the Pat, this is the thing the new the new woman that he's with. I really like her. She is a great stepmother. And see if it's someone that has come from a blended family and loves my stepmother like a second mum. I do worry for her. Speaker 2 And she's good to the kids, so you want her around because you like. Speaker 3 Yeah. Speaker 2 Exactly so. Speaker 1 It's her journey, that's right. She's gonna have to go through. Speaker 3 It I know and. Speaker 2 We all see our exes with new girls and we're like, oh you poor beard. Speaker 3 It is. It's literally like that. Speaker 2 Though you think you've hit the jackpot and see us once the Rose coloured glasses wear off and the whole facade that they're putting on that their life something great once that once you realise and it might take a few years. It took me 414. Yeah, I took you a few more. Like once you realise and you're looking back on your life that you were once living, that they're now living. You're just like, oh God, I would. I just wish I could save. Speaker 1 You from it and you know that, you know that they're telling them a story about you and you're walking around getting the kids or whatever and they've got this whole warped image of who you are. We'll see. Whatever. Speaker 3 The thing is, she follows me on TikTok. Oh yeah, yeah. And so she is very aware of what I share, what I have spoken through. Yeah, yeah. So I know that she is very well aware of what I've been through. And obviously, and I shared this on my Instagram the other day, is that she is still, I mean, regardless of my experience, yeah, you're going to choose to have your own experience. And you know, perhaps it might not be the same. I truly believe that when you've got a patent history like his with the first fiance, then me, multiple women through that relationship with the first fiance, then me, you're going to end up with the same. Speaker 1 If he's not sitting down with the counsellor every week, he's never going to change. No, well, he's like if he's not actively getting help. Speaker 3 And the family you know enables. Speaker 2 Enable, yeah. Speaker 3 Yeah, so again you've got. Speaker 2 And there is an element, I think, of you having an experience that is different to someone else's because everyone brings out something different in their person. So like my partner might have had a different experience with someone else and they might have had a different experience with him and it's not the same experience that I'm necessarily having with him now. However, if you're that deep in it to your core that that is your patent behaviour as you say. Speaker 3 You can't. Speaker 2 You can't change that in someone and you're not. And it's the same with my previous relationship, Nova, and I've touched on multiple times and I guess you're a little bit Privy to it as well. There's behaviours there that are so deep ingrained in the person that they are, and it's enabled behaviour that unless they deeply, truly themselves want to change, they are not going to. And every person come that comes thereafter or comes after us, or that came before us has a very fucking similar. Speaker 1 But if if they don't see that as a problem like what you mentioned earlier, that's they're not going to change. They're not even identifying it as an issue. Speaker 3 That's right, because still to this day after so you know, we had the five women on the go that I found out about and one of them being a body school teacher at the kids school. But again, that was, he did that to control this, the narrative and the scenario at the school because he knew then that I'd have to walk into those school grounds in January, walk our son to a prep class, knowing that that woman was going to be in that area. So for him, it's like, you know, I, I now get to thrive off this chaos. Speaker 1 The guy likes to live on the edge. Speaker 3 Yeah, it's it's chaos that he likes to create and knowing that I've then got all. Speaker 1 Ego. He's literally controlled by his ego. Like if he could see sit on the sidelines and see two women crossing paths knowing that he's slave. Both slave. Yeah, it's an ego. Speaker 3 Yeah. And and also he, he, I know that. He likes that. I know. Yeah. About these women. Yeah. Speaker 1 This guy has no love for himself whatsoever. Speaker 3 No, no, he doesn't. He, he likes self worth. He's so insecure. And he admitted all this because I said, what was the what was the point of the five women? Speaker 1 It's the endorphin hits from the attention. Speaker 3 Well, and he also said to me, you mate, you didn't make me feel worthy enough. So I had, I know, I know. But he again. Speaker 1 Feel worthy it's. Speaker 3 Blaming me, yeah, for his action. Speaker 2 Externally. Speaker 3 So it's not cheating because it's because of how you made me feel. Finding Validation: Breaking the Trauma Bond Through Shared Stories I'm getting triggered. Speaker 3 Women. One of the women like saw me out one night and she's like, oh, I'm so sorry for believing. Speaker 2 His bullshit. His. Speaker 3 Bullshit like she just had to come up and. Speaker 1 Just let me know and I love how the world works that way and puts you guys in the same room. I know has that conversation and you slowly get a little bit of I don't know whether words justification or like some you so like get a little piece of yourself back like oh. Speaker 3 I need a little bit. Isn't it funny in that moment? I said to my girlfriend that was sitting across me. I said. Who would have fucking thought that I needed that interaction, babe, because this man was truly making me think that I was this fucking loopy. Speaker 1 Absolutely, bitch. Yeah, but babe, I lived on level 5 in that apartment you mentioned earlier. A girl lived on level 7, met her in the lift. She was the first girlfriend after the cheating situation. We became friends, we looked identical. She had brown hair. You might have seen her in my stories for a short time maybe. Speaker 3 Yeah. Speaker 1 Yeah, I feel like, and I got to ask her what's his story, 'cause I never got to ask. Speaker 2 Anyone love to know? And she was. Speaker 1 Like you 2 moved to Burley together as a family and you just didn't work out so you both separate. I'm like, we lived in Adelaide. He treat like the like it was a completely different story. But how wild is that? Like you put us in the same building to meet and I and I got a little bit of myself back because I was like, I finally got to sit in front of somebody that was willing to tell me what's the story? What is he saying? You know, because I never knew what his story was because he would just try and design me in a certain way, of course. But yeah. And so they put you in the room at the same time and you got a little piece of yourself. Speaker 3 Back. It was so needed. Speaker 2 I think I feel like I remember seeing this on your story. Actually I think you posted. Speaker 1 Something I need to follow. You do it. I am. Speaker 2 I was Andy. I was like, look at. Speaker 1 You for sharing it. I, I haven't been able to share it and I can now. And that's like we've shared a lot on the podcast. Speaker 3 And see I'm I'm 2 1/2 years post this now. So when it was very fresh and raw my following went from 4000. It was because 13,000 like 30,000. Speaker 1 But do you know how sad that is that so many women relate? But. Speaker 3 Correct. And that's. Speaker 1 What's happening? Speaker 3 That is exactly what happened. My inbox was flooded. I couldn't wake up without Yeah, hundreds and. Speaker 2 Hundreds of stories. Speaker 3 Yeah, but women also wanting to share this story but also being afraid to. Yeah. But then it made me feel less alone because I truly believe because of what he was saying to me that if I was to open my mouth because he knew what I was like, he's like, if you jump on that social and you start, you know, talking shit about this blah, blah, blah, I'll do this, I'll do this. So for a while I pretended that it was all amicable, happy as Larry. Meanwhile, I'm dealing now with Co parenting shit, a side that I didn't even need to consider or thought I would have to worry about. And I was like, holy fuck. And then he did something one day and I was like, you know what? Fuck this just unleashed. And then so many women were like, Oh my God, like, what? Also my girlfriends were like, what the fuck? We've never even know that this side of this man existed because you've never spoken about him in this way. Ever. And I'm like, I know because I've tried to protect an image. Yeah. Because in my head, because I was so trauma bonded to this man, I always had the thought that if I speak shit about him, I need to be careful. Because if I want to get back with you. Speaker 1 Oh yeah. Speaker 3 You're a fucking idiot. That's right. Yeah, so. Speaker 2 I you, you were smart. See, I I talk shit and then I just be like, that's fine, I'm a fuckwit. Speaker 3 See, my close girlfriend saw the shit. Oh, close. Speaker 1 Girlfriend shit. The good thing about talking shit is that everyone's gonna keep you accountable, correct? Because you're putting it out there. So, so I know it makes you further from actually going back, 'cause you know, you, you're gonna look silly. Speaker 3 Yes, and. Speaker 2 Also the trauma bond of 14 years is something heck yeah that you were so young. Speaker 3 I was so young and and the first so the first two weeks of us being separated and him moving out the house because when we separated he was going to stay and we thought we could just work it out until he found something slowly. But then he left of you I know turn his shit out. I know but I know. But see, he didn't like that I was coming and going as I pleased and being all happy and normal. Speaker 1 OK, but he couldn't sleep with five women. Speaker 3 That's right. And plus plus the others all throughout that, you know, it was just building up at this point. So then he got over it, he leaves, and then, yeah. Speaker 2 Is this is this about the time when you said like sort of separated and then I remember you putting up a reel about him never letting you get out of the car to pump gas? Speaker 3 Yes, yes. So then because. Speaker 2 I remember, I remember seeing that real one being like, because you had separated, yes, you'd made it. You'd made it clear that there were certain things that he did that like were they would bare minimum, To be honest, yes, but. Speaker 3 We know. Speaker 1 That yeah, but you're like, oh, what a nice guy. But. Speaker 2 It was, I remember that. Speaker 1 Real specifically. Speaker 2 Because you were sitting in the car and you like film team pumping your gas. Yes, yes. And that was the time. Speaker 3 That's right. So I, I felt like I was suffocating because it was the first time that we'd been apart from each other my whole life. So I was like, I can't survive without this man. Like this is what he was talking about. Like you'll never be able to survive without me. Speaker 1 Babe, we spoke about this, didn't we? About getting jobs outside of like women sort of holding their own, yes, like, well, you don't know who you are. Like the, the whole earning money thing, who controls the money in the relationship, all of that. Speaker 3 Well see, I have always been career driven and focused. He hated that. So that that was the one thing though, that he has tried and even saw to this day has tried to take for me, but it could never. It was the one thing. But he hated that I, in his mind, was the breadwinner and he would use that against me because it's like you're making me. Speaker 2 Feel emasculated. Yeah, a lot of. Speaker 1 Women would relate to that part, yeah, for sure. Speaker 3 And so then I'd like try to bend myself and do less to make him feel better. Like it was just, it was just warped. His 'One-Up' Breakup: How Kids Changed the Dynamic But so in that initial separation Phase, I then said, oh, fucked up, please come home, you know, oh. Speaker 1 Because you felt like you were too masculine in the relationship so you could have been better. Speaker 3 Or what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Speaker 2 Oh yeah, what was the fuck up? What was that? Was just the leaving or like? Speaker 3 Yeah, no, no. So the break up, yeah. So obviously it was the first time that like we'd separated properly, like probably like this. And so I, I started to, I don't know, with have withdrawals almost because I'm like, fuck, it's addictive. It's a. Speaker 1 Narcissistic relationship you actually get brain damage from. Speaker 3 It yeah. I was like, how do I live without this man? And now we've got kids in the mix. Like, yeah, Oh my God. So then I was like, I'm sorry, come home, fix it. He didn't come home. He said a part, but we tried to work it out. But two weeks in, like I was done. I was like, Nah, this is not working. And so then he calls me though he Facetimes me. I'm sitting at body BMW, Daisy Hill Facetimes me. He's like, oh, you know what? I don't think this is working out. We should separate. Oh. Speaker 1 You got the one up. Speaker 3 But you know what I said? Fuck. You know what? Thank God. OK. Thank you for your honesty, you know, Appreciate it. Hang up. Oh, sorry. And I I remember crying, just a tear. And I'm like, but it's not sadness. It's almost like now I think because he thinks he's in control and he ended it, he can run off with that narrative now and let everybody know that he wants to know he ended it and that it wasn't. Speaker 2 Me. Speaker 1 A go again. Speaker 3 Yeah, because then what happened after that is I get home, we have to sort the kids football shit, and he comes home after the game and he's like, what? So you're just going to let? Speaker 1 Me go. Oh my God. Speaker 3 Bro you just fucking facetimed Chase. Speaker 2 Me. It's like a girl chase me. Speaker 3 Correct. That's what it was. Oh yeah. And I said, and so I'm sitting on the edge of this, you know, this bench and and we're sitting side by side. I said yes I am, because you've shared with me now how you really feel and I'm. Speaker 2 So respect it, yeah. Speaker 3 And we're doing this. Speaker 1 And it's not this full yeah, toxic screaming back and free match. And it's just like, oh, this, oh, this actually feels more real than all of that. Yeah, Yeah. Speaker 2 Yep. Did having kids with him make you like see him differently? Like once you became a mum. Speaker 3 Yeah, because he, he, he changed. He actually did. Like once we had a Anna. She's 10 now, but she it changed him for a good part. But then obviously The thing is, is that I obviously had the kids. I fucking got fat, looked ugly. I felt shit. He thrived off that. Of course, the minute I started going back to the gym, getting myself in shape after Ayanna, it all fucking started again. Because obviously in his mind, his insecurities were, you know, coming out. Speaker 2 And obviously he knew what he was doing and therefore would accept like expect that you were doing the same. Speaker 3 That's right. So then what I would copy is you're a mother, you're a mum now, you should be at home. Oh my God, because I was still working full time, so I would. Speaker 1 Babe, don't ever let this guy be in front of me. Speaker 3 Do not. Speaker 2 Do not ever invite him on the next. Keep him. Speaker 1 Away from me. Speaker 3 But like so I, I, yes, would then deal with that and then I would not want to go to the gym because then I'd be. Speaker 2 It's such a big deal for you. I remember you speaking on this. It was too hard. He made it too hard. Speaker 3 To leave the house. Speaker 2 For you to leave SO. Speaker 1 Babe, you must be so open on social media. Oh. Speaker 3 Fuck babe, I've been in her. Speaker 1 DM I know I'm seeing. Speaker 3 This honestly I have not left anything out and The thing is I knew that his family were watching this. I was copying shit from the family every angle. Speaker 2 Like watching the best movie you like going into the theatre and a movie that you couldn't turn away from. Speaker 3 And I'm telling you that I would share shit like as it was happening. Speaker 1 Like that's real palsy. I remember being in this situation real time and even even now Co parenting still with this kind of person in like, I feel like I'm very open, but I still hold back so much. Yeah, no. Speaker 3 Fuck, I didn't give a shit because I was like, you know what? You fucked me for so many years now. Yeah, why? Why do I need to protect you now? A. Speaker 1 100%. Speaker 3 You're not giving a shit about me. Speaker 1 100% Oh God this my ex is gonna regret me meeting her. He's like, why you can. Speaker 2 Say whatever you want about someone. Yeah, I know. You just don't say their name. Speaker 3 That's right. Yeah, that's it. And then that's. Speaker 2 It he would, it's very easy. Speaker 3 You know what though, I got AI got a call one day from the police. And it's funny because obviously we deal with a lot of yeah abandonment through properties and stuff. So I got a phone call and it was to my, I think it was my work phone. But see I've got 2 Sims so I never clock sometimes which number it calls. Anyway, I just thought it was for an abandonment. So I asked the girls in in my team, hey, has anyone wanted to hear from the police? Because they've just left me a message and I called it back. I tried calling him back three times. He constable never called me back. Anyway, maybe a month goes by and now this was after I extended that olive leaf at that soccer to. Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Speaker 3 Yeah, So a month. Oh, God, I know a month past that. And he asked me randomly, like he because obviously he was thinking in his mind, she's extending this olive leaf because the police had called her. And it wasn't until a month later that when he said, oh, hey, have you ever got a call from the police? I was thinking what for, and that's why he thought I'd simmered down on blasting him on social information. Probably, but the constant will never call me back if. Speaker 1 It's not a lie. Then you're not. Speaker 3 That's right, that's the truth, but it's the truth. There's receipts exactly. And also there's screenshots. That's right, there's photos. Weaponizing Children: The Haircut Incident and Financial Abuse There is literally. And also of you posting your shit on on Facebook as well. Because it's because one of the things that he did that sent me over the edge once he realized the text and shit weren't working anymore, was he took our daughter for her first ever haircut. Now my our daughter I remember this has Afro curly hair. Speaker 1 I want to see Freddie. It's she's. Speaker 3 Gorgeous. Yeah, she, he, she, she never had a haircut. He went and took her and chopped it off your length. Speaker 2 And like this is curl. Speaker 1 She's got an Afro, so her hair, so she's got a round. Speaker 3 Took her to SNS. Oh well. They don't know how to fucking cut headstones, let alone. Speaker 1 Curl was that to get at you. Speaker 3 Yes. So then the next day, Sunday handover, I see her through the big glass panels of our front door. Walking towards the front door, I started falling. My I was that it was saying it was instant. I was like you. It turned into a big. Speaker 2 Blue on and. Speaker 1 She would have seen that as well. Speaker 3 I couldn't, I couldn't hold it. And I do truly like regret it because for a little while they were traumatized. Speaker 1 At the end of the day, you're fucking human, okay? At the end of the day, there's been things that my kids have seen between me and the dad and I'm like, at the end of the day, like you can only hide so much, but you're still human. Speaker 3 No, I mean the worst that they've seen, thank God, from my end was, you know, I threw a bloody glass of orange juice over him and Cruz still fucking talks about. Speaker 2 It. Speaker 1 Yeah, I know. I'm. Speaker 3 Like at least it was a fucking orange. Speaker 1 Because in their little mind. Speaker 3 I know, please. Speaker 1 In their little. Speaker 3 Mind, I know. Speaker 1 It was such a different story in their minds. Yeah, because. Speaker 3 Obviously what led up to that, but yeah, yeah, he he then started to use the kids his way to get at me. And I just thought, you fucker. And then that's. Speaker 2 When I did you ever go to court? Speaker 3 No, no, but I had to engage a lawyer once to send an e-mail because, you know, it was getting to that point. But I thought for sure if his mom knew what he was doing that she wouldn't be letting him do this because they, they'd never wanted anything to go pear shaped purely for the relationship with the kids because they loved it. They're they're the best grandparents. I love them to death for that reason. So I'm thinking, ah, she knows what her son's doing. Surely you know, she'd be pulling him in line. So then what I started to do was I every text message, every e-mail, I would CC her into the e-mail with the screenshots of his messages and I'd say, hey blah blah, can you pull your son up please? Because I'm not dealing with this bullshit anymore. He'd be like what the fuck? Don't text my mom, you know, don't say it. I'm like, ah, we'll act right. That's right, because she right, that's right. Take your kind of. Speaker 1 Ability. Speaker 3 To. That's right. So now she knows what you're doing because it's going to impact the children and potentially the relationship. Obviously, she was talking. She'd never reply, but she would get easier. Yeah. Because then he'd change his tune very quickly. Smart. Yeah, because it's one thing they wouldn't want to lose. No. And I'm not that type of person anyway, like, you know, But fucking leave me alone. There's no reason. Speaker 1 So lucky you didn't get dragged through court and all of this. I know when you get dragged through court with someone like that, it's a whole nother level because they're moving their ideas and their stories onto the legal system. And the only way to prove and show what is the truth is the after 100 and something, $1000 worth of legal fees that your day in court where it gets all wiped out and you get your kids back kind of situation. And that's what I went through with my ex. So he was like always using the legal system against me, manipulating everything that I said and did and making out like I had mental health issues, all of this stuff. And I could not get my say until I got to court. And then they're like oh this was a waste of time. No, that's fair. What you're wanting all good. See like 3 times that happened and I've lost a sickly amount of money every time. Speaker 3 See, that's a financial. Speaker 1 Just getting put back, it's massive financial abuse that was. Speaker 2 His way of controlling her, yeah, it was horrible. Yeah. Like the physical and the one, Yeah. Speaker 1 Emotional, yeah, see, I never had the I never had the physical. I had the the financial abuse, like severely like all he wanted to do. And so to say he wants to see if it cover in the ground failing. That's all he wants. He doesn't care about anything else, he just wants to see fit. Cover guy for. Speaker 3 Someone. This is what I mean. Speaker 1 And he knows that when the financial was done, the only way that fit cover could go down is by taking me to court. And he knew I'd use a cash photo. Save the situation, of course. And that's what happened every time. Fucking. Speaker 3 Piece of. Speaker 1 Shit, Yeah, yeah. Speaker 2 Crazy. OK, let's ask a question. Yeah, get a question in. I've literally had no questions asked whatsoever. But I just wanted to add, there's only two things I really want to hear towards the end of this anyway, because we're like kind of chewing into the overtime here, but that's so fine. If you could speak to the 15 year old version of yourself now, what would you want to know? Good. Speaker 3 Man. Speaker 1 You're going to have a 15 year old daughter soon. Speaker 3 I know. And it's hard because you know what, I've actually had some mothers reach out on Instagram that have daughters that are that age and they say that their daughters are going through the same thing that I went through and they're struggling to get them to see who they're dealing with. Speaker 2 Yeah, these predators. Speaker 3 Yeah, and it's like I, I, I really don't know how you can help them. See, I've I've thought about going through it. Speaker 1 You have to kind of become their friends so that you don't miss out on any information and you just have to be quiet. I feel like that's the answer in my head as parenting. Well, I don't know. I've never dealt with that. Speaker 3 Well, I mean, in the end, everyone just kind of went silent. I mean, my girlfriends got over. I lost really, you know, my friendships for a while there. They came back in the end, yeah. They were just sick of hearing the same shit over and over, seeing the same shit happen, yeah. Speaker 2 But that happens in every relationship that's toxic. Like it was the same with mine. They don't wanna like they heard I lost one. Like a really, really good mate. And it's just like they spoke about this. Can't Episode 3. Yeah, they just can't be Privy or witness to you suffering anymore. So they're like, fuck, I've told you, I've tried to show you, yes, I've tried all these different avenues and you're not getting it. No. So you're on your own. Speaker 3 Yeah, but, and it's like now it does hurt. It hurts so much because then you feel like you're like, oh, you are, you're on the outside. Then because you've got no one. But that's what they love. They isolate you. Speaker 1 And you almost fall deeper into the problem you do because you don't have those people to. Speaker 3 Because I was. Speaker 1 He's the sound that's. Speaker 3 Right. He was the only thing I had then and he loved that, but he knew that so it would be used against me at the same time. So I don't know what. The Saturn Return: Making the Final Decision to Leave I actually don't know what. Speaker 2 Yeah, that is a that's a really hard question looking. Speaker 3 No, I know. Speaker 1 At the whole situation now and putting it all together just as one and if someone's listening and they're, they're going through it right now. Speaker 2 So. But this is what I was. Speaker 1 Going to say what all the things that you're saying they didn't realise was happening. And when you're speaking, they're like, that's happening to me. That's so this is how this could be happening right now in this podcast where someone's listening, what do you have to say to them? If you get an opportunity to look at them and go, if this is happening, even though it's hard, do this, this and this. Speaker 3 Well leave like I mean obviously it's easier than done but for me in in the IT took me 6 months to plot and think how I was going to do this. Speaker 2 We always leave before we leave. Speaker 3 Correct. Yes. So no. Speaker 2 One knows, like men don't get that. No, women get it. We're like we've we've hatched a plan or we've been checked out for ages before we actually leave. Because when you do leave, yes, I've had recently people like, oh, you've moved on so far. Oh, bro, I was checked out two years ago. Yeah. What do you mean? Speaker 3 Exactly. That's right. So you. Speaker 2 Stay because you're trying to fucking save someone or or save the situation or help yourself or help. Speaker 3 Them that's right and unless you are open and share all of it all of it that's right, which you don't usually do people don't really know what is going on so then they think they're going to make this man better. It's like hey, good luck to you like as well, but best of luck babe. Best of luck. But where's it going to? My ADHD just like rolled off so. Speaker 1 So what would you say to the listeners? Yeah, leave. Speaker 3 But I mean. Speaker 1 I feel like leave and get help like find professional help immediately. Speaker 3 I mean, depending on how bad. So for me, I mean obviously, and I shared this, I shared the whole process through Insta. Speaker 1 What's your Instagram name? Speaker 3 What is it? Shell Keane. Shell Keane. OK, everyone, yeah. Shell Keane. But I so So what? So what actually happened was on my 28th birthday, I woke up that morning sat on the edge of my bed and it's almost like, so I rolled out and I was like, do I want this life anymore? Like I literally looked around the room. Everything felt odd to me. I felt like I wasn't in my body and it was the first moment. Like one of my really close girlfriends who has been with one of his best mates since I was 16 years old. Her situation, you know, very similar, which is why we connected because she was younger, he was older, and then I was that New Girl into the friendship group and, you know, same sort of scenario bracket. Yes. So yeah, yeah. So we've just reconnected, actually. Crazy. But I think she maybe fell off the wagon because she's probably sick of seeing my shit. Also, you know, then them still being friends. It was probably, I don't know, but and she has always been very spiritual and I'd think that shit was real cuckoo. I'm not into that whatsoever, but it was that. But that morning I was like, fuck, this must be that satin return that Jazz has always spoken about. Because whatever I'm experiencing right now is I think what she's like used to ramble on about on her Instagram. And so in that moment I actually messaged her and I said I have felt this, this, this and this and she's like babe go and search the satin return. I did it and it happens every 7. Speaker 1 Years it was that. It's that new leaf. It's a new turn, yeah. Speaker 3 Train and it was like holy fuck, this is this is literally what I'm going through. I am shedding skin. Speaker 1 Or you get stuck in again for seven years. Yeah, you at that. You were two. Speaker 3 Cycles, yeah. Speaker 1 You were at that crossroad. Speaker 2 Yes. And you were two cycles in it, Yeah. Speaker 1 But you heard it. It was louder at that point. Fucking. Speaker 3 Loud because I remember getting out of the bed. Speaker 1 Fuck I love this shit babe. Speaker 3 I know getting up out of the bed, walking around the bed, walking out the front, that bedroom door and he was in the kitchen and I just remembered going to the kitchen and it was like word vomit. I couldn't control my body. I threw half my body over the top of the kitchen bench and where he was laying on the other side. I was like, I don't think I love you anymore. And it just came out and I was like, oh fuck, fuck, did I just say that? Because now I can't take that back. And he was like, what? He's like, wow, you've never ever said that to me before. Never, like, should we go to counselling? Should we? I don't know. I don't think that's necessary. And then obviously the few hours went by and the day we went about our day and I was, oh, I was just, I was just joking. Like I was just joking because obviously in my head the whole day I was thinking, fuck, this is I don't know how this is going to go. Yeah. Speaker 2 Was there an element of fear? Speaker 3 Absolutely, because I don't know what his next moves could be. Yeah, so I was. I was just kidding. So then we just continued on as normal. So then obviously Mother's Day rolls round, takes me out for breakfast, sitting up at Mount Krutha, having breakfast with the kids sitting at the table, all lovely. And I said to him, just by the way, we're, we're done after this. Speaker 1 And you knew about the five women at this point? Speaker 3 When did I find out about them? No, no. Speaker 2 So this was just an inner knowing that. Speaker 1 You were in, yeah. Speaker 2 Done. It was an inner knowing. Speaker 1 At some point and you would know this feeling as well. Speaker 2 I've had this. Speaker 1 Exactly. You just get up where you. Speaker 2 Just like nothing you could do or say anymore would change my mind. Yeah, yes, I can't. Speaker 3 With you, yeah, because you just get. Speaker 1 Up and you're just like, you know what? I'm just done. Speaker 3 I am just done. Speaker 1 The the unknowing of what life is is better than what is happening, right? Speaker 3 Now, yeah, that's right. And so it's like, I, I knew in January when that set return was happening and then it was Mother's Day and I'm like, this is it done? So we're driving home and he was like, fuck, he's like, I'm going to pack my bags, you know, blah blah. Speaker 1 Blah. And he's saying that feeling like this is going to be that cycle again, like that's not really going to happen, but I'm going to scare her, correct, saying that. Speaker 3 Yeah. And I was like, yeah, cool, no worries. And then we pull in the driveway. I was like, can I get my nails done? And he's like, you're fucking joking, right? Come up with his Mother's Day. He's like, but you just ended the relationship. Like, what the fuck? No, I'm going inside to pack my shit and I'm going. And so he we officer, I was like, OK, cool, get inside. He packs his shit, he goes to his. Speaker 2 Mind. The Robot Phase: Healing from Trauma and Parental Alienation Wait, if we're going to. Speaker 2 End this for 14 years. My girls are. Speaker 1 Going to go I. Speaker 3 Know I never know so at least. Speaker 2 If I post a photo later when I'm single, I know you're going to look hot. Speaker 3 Exactly, and then he goes and then that's literally when I picked up my phone and sat down on the ledge of the the step and I was like just started recording going Oh my God, by the way, because if I didn't say it right out loud in. Speaker 1 You weren't going to be held accountable. Speaker 3 That's right. Speaker 2 You make it real. Speaker 3 So I just picked up the phone and started recording, didn't know what I was saying. And yeah, and people were like, what the fuck? Like my inbox just went boom. Speaker 1 I did it a week later. I will never forget it. I can always take myself back to that moment of getting on social media because he was on my social media with fit cover. So he was a part of the business with me and I remember like having to tell everyone and what got me through those beginning times was everyone saying, I've been through this. I'm seven years ahead now and I'm telling you you're going to be OK. And I held on to these strangers words like, and that's why I have so much love and respect and no one can ever change me when it comes to the idea of social media because that shit helped me so much. I've had only beautiful things happen in that space. And I'm always going to say that because honestly, I was severely terrified. I had a three month old and a 2 year old and it was literally overnight. And I did that and I was just like, how old are you? Fucking God. Speaker 3 Ayanna was so. Speaker 2 8 Was this 2 1/2 years ago? Speaker 3 Yeah. But obviously when it all kind of started, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. Yeah, Yeah, she was. Speaker 2 Six or something, yeah. Speaker 1 And what you have to go through. Speaker 3 For yeah. Speaker 1 With like your own rebuild your own understanding, your mind's like going what's happening in my life. And then you've got to look at your kids and go, how do I even look through your lens in your eyes and help you understand what's actually happening as well so that this doesn't affect them. I. Speaker 3 Know and that's what broke me the most and I I for a good six months I was just I felt like I was living in darkness like that my I'd have all the. Speaker 2 Robot. I call it Robot, Yeah. Speaker 3 I was just a robot in a slump in sweats all the time. I. Speaker 1 Didn't eat. I lost 13 kilos in three weeks. Speaker 3 I couldn't eat either. I felt sick to my stomach. I was sick all the time, you know, because I wasn't eating, catching flus, you know, And the kids kept me going, obviously. But like, I to be honest, I didn't think of the element past me leaving and then how I would deal with that and then having to deal with their emotions. Because in their mind, and obviously for the narrative that he was creating when they were over there at his, was that mommy ruined the daddy. Yeah, Mommy ruined the family. Speaker 1 That's. Speaker 3 That because she had a shift. Speaker 1 And that's another. Speaker 3 This day. Speaker 1 That's another thing, parental alienation, which I deal with still now and it and it's it's horrible because you're really never gonna get to the end to the understanding because you're not gonna go sit there and say look at these messages. Look what he has said and done. You have to be kids through that. No, you have to just. Speaker 2 I'm so glad I haven't. Speaker 1 Done it. And you're not qualified. No one's qualified for this shit. Like you're suddenly thrown into this whole psychology situation. You're like, I don't know how to explain to you what is in the adult world, what's happening right now. How do I get you to still love your dad? Because you need your dad. I don't want you to have daddy trauma. I don't need to have mum trauma. I don't want you to turn against me. I don't want you to go there because it's not really safe to be around there because you're going to turn against me at that age because you're, you're very easy to like mould at that age as well. So like, what do you do? Speaker 3 No. And I know. And I think what's really hard too, though, for people to understand is, is. And I have always spoken so highly of James as a father. Yeah, I. Speaker 1 Was Shane. Speaker 3 And that's The thing is that he is a fantastic father. And it feels funny even saying that given what happened with the fucking haircut situation, because it was up until that point that I thought, how can I say that about you? But you've done that to my daughter's hair like. Speaker 1 Fucking because it was a personal attack. It wasn't them. That's. Speaker 3 Right. It was a personal attack to me. She didn't realize what it was. She, though, did realize the. Speaker 2 Reaction. Speaker 3 Because one day she just randomly started crying because she realized what he'd done. Because she then started to see how it impacted me emotionally. Because I just started randomly boring because the haircut was like fucking, it was lopsided, it was so bad. But he is still a fantastic father. And I think that's The thing is that these people that have these narcissistic traits are so capable of just switching. Speaker 1 They can be they're chameleons. They can they can fit into a room when they. Speaker 2 Choose to be true at the one time. Like just because he's was a shit partner to you and is not a very good person, Yeah, in so many ways. Speaker 3 To his kids, he. Speaker 2 He can be a good father because. Speaker 3 He chooses to be, but yeah. Speaker 1 But there's stages in life for children when they're newborn, when they're toddlers, when they're kids, Yeah. And then when they're teenagers and then when they're adults. And those kids are going to come to each stage that they need that parent for all of those stages. And when they are the teenage and adults and they need that maturity from that adult that can't give it to them, Yeah. That's when things change. Absolutely. And that's what everyone says, and this is kind of what it pisses me off, but it's true. They always say to me it's they're always going to know that you're always there from day one, no matter what they say now at like 8:00 and 9:00 and all that. And in my mind as a parent and living my own experience as a parent away from them, just like me just being a parent, I might. But I want the beautiful time now with my 8 and 9 year old. I don't want to wait, you know, on my seat going, you know, now you can see what he's like and what's happened and you can know that I did all of this stuff for you and now you understand because you finally have your kids and you can see kind of thing. I don't see any of that. Is that for the kids or is that for you? It's for you and I'm not interested in. Speaker 2 Validation or that justification that you were treated poorly, that's what people are saying to you. Speaker 1 And I'm like, I don't give a shit about that. I want to enjoy my parenting as my experience as well because I'm here too. Yeah. And I want to enjoy it. And so the parental alienation and all of that is so hard. And then when you see your kids obsessing over that man, Yeah. When they really don't know you have, there's a part in you that has to just stay strong. You do because you can't go in there and say, little kids, he's a cheater. He did this because they're not understand. And they shouldn't need to be shown that. No, they just need to see them as a dad and a carer. Speaker 2 Well, that's right and so hard not to petty. Speaker 3 Honestly, it is hard. It is hard because in the fresh stages of separation, yeah, I, and obviously then me being so open on social and being in that mindset of not holding back, I did really struggle with keeping that away from the children. Yeah. Because I just thought, no, fuck this. I'm not going to take your image anymore because you're doing what you're doing so openly. And I mean, he did it to himself too, when he thought that it was a good idea to take the school teacher and the kids to a park for a little play day so fresh after we'd separated. Literally 3 weeks if that aren't. Speaker 2 Shit, where you eat, huh? What the? Speaker 1 Fuck. Speaker 3 Is doing literally so so like I know also she and she knew about me it. Speaker 2 Says a lot about the. Speaker 1 Women as well that this is involved in this, it's like the the woman that my ex dealt with, she knew that he had us at home and I'm like. Speaker 3 She also had a husband of who and kids. Speaker 1 Yeah, and that's what works in that dynamic for them. It's like if you can keep it a secret and you've got your thing, I'll keep it a secret. And this is our little. Yeah, well, and their messages. Speaker 3 Between each other was her talking about how she she was going to planning to leave the husband, you know, so they could be that on my girlfriend. She's he's having the same conversations with this bitch and this bitch and this bitch in the same charge. Speaker 2 Copy. Speaker 3 Paste into every fucking 5 person. Speaker 1 Shame. Speaker 3 Yeah, literally. Like you're all being told the same thing right now. You're all being sent the same picture of the fucking food on the dinner table. Like, oh, they're all. Speaker 2 Getting the same Dick. Speaker 1 Yeah, I keep I keep thinking of Yas on one episode going sling and Dicks a. Speaker 2 Level Oh yeah, like talking about my oh. Speaker 3 But like, you know, cheating. Speaker 2 That never actually happens. Like they never cheat but they like they get. Speaker 1 Accused of it. Speaker 2 By multiple partners, but then they've never. Speaker 3 Done it. Speaker 2 Yeah, and some of the shit that I was told by his, like, ex-wife about what he did to her. And I'm like, bro, you can't tell me she's making that up. Speaker 3 You know. Speaker 2 As a woman, like that's right, you know that we're all adults. Speaker 1 Here, like, we get it. Speaker 2 That's right. Speaker 3 And you get to a point in your mind where you're like, OK, I can't keep dismissing these women now in their experiences because the patterns are the same. Yeah. Speaker 2 And look, I didn't, in my experience, I didn't have multiple women coming forward. Yeah. Like I just had what was being told by the previous partner, Yeah, who was married to him with children. Yeah. So it's like, but there was this like knowing I didn't have to have the physical evidence. There was a knowing inside of me and it all women carried through our entire relationship from the first year because it was we moved to England. Five months after living in England I get a hey girl message and it was for the whole year we were in England. So we were in Australia for our entire first year of our relationship prior to me moving to England. I then get out. Oh yeah, we were sleeping together the entire time, right up until a couple of days before you left the country. Speaker 3 I was like why? Speaker 2 Can't you tell me? Why couldn't you tell me before I left Australia? Like why five months after living in England? Speaker 1 So many girls are just like, I don't want to be that girl and I don't want to get involved. And so a lot of them. No, no. Speaker 2 No, no, she was involved because she told me in the first couple of weeks, because we, when we were together for the first two weeks of our relationship, they were still sleeping together. I didn't know. Yeah, I thought they were. So he's. Speaker 1 Not finding it an ick when they know that these guys are with someone else like. Speaker 2 You're you're not dipping? No, Yeah, no. Speaker 1 Like then I'm gonna rushed. Speaker 2 Him and then like I was like no, fuck that like sort your life out let me know when you're fucking sorted like I'll yeah, thanks I'm not I'm not having the same penis as going into two virgins at the. Speaker 1 Same time, but now. But now you look back at that. Would you ever put up with that sign again? New Relationships: Navigating Triggers and Communication Challenges Never. Speaker 2 I would have left I I would never have even given given him a second sign. Speaker 1 That the universe is giving you. And then you, you let that go and then you're now in your seven-year cycle. Speaker 3 I know, same Dick for seven years. Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Oh, honestly, like, what the fuck is wrong with us? No, I know. But it's we're normal now. Yeah, yeah. Speaker 3 Thank God fuck we came. Speaker 1 From the learning, from the lesson. Speaker 3 Yeah, but also, though it's like now with, you know, recent shareings. Oh, yeah, You know, I'm like, fuck am I Like, you know, and I don't want to speak too much on it, no. Speaker 2 No, no, no, she's just someone new in her life. Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, because obviously I got my. I'm so new to dating, right? Yeah, because I've never had this experience. Speaker 1 Yeah, you're gonna slip up. Speaker 3 No dating apps, like nothing. So I'm not on any dating apps. But you know, I've had a platonic friendship with someone for over a year, been great but it's now progressed to something more. Then I got my first Hey Girlie weekend of Australia Day. Speaker 1 You got to be out. There's no, there's no reason. Speaker 2 No, but we weren't. They weren't together and they were. Speaker 3 Just friends. And now this is something that I've navigated, which is I've been thinking about for a while because obviously when I got that message on Australia Day weekend, as my followers would know, I flew off the fucking handle, jumped straight on the gram, blasted. Beautiful, Yeah. Speaker 2 Oh, it's like, yes girl, tell me how. Speaker 3 To take blasted him. I literally was, you know, I just was up and out of where I was, which was, you know, bro, I was in the shower. Yeah, bro, I was in the shower. We were about to go to the beach. He thought I was downstairs, you know, and I was gone. I was in my car back to Brisbane. He lives around here anyway. So that happened. And then didn't, you know, give him the time of day to have a conversation about it whatsoever. I just read the message, had the receipts that I needed. And I was like, no, no way. Old me, no. So it felt really powerful in that moment just to get up and go. Yeah. But the problem here is, which is also a problem, I guess when you go through what I went through, is that you I wasn't afraid to communicate and have a conversation. He wanted to have a conversation about why I just left. He wasn't aware, obviously at that point. Then he obviously realized why I'd left and he wanted to communicate. And I was like, I don't need any communication, the actions do. All the speaking that's required. No thanks. Speaker 2 And I wish I was like that, but different circumstances. Speaker 3 Different circumstances. Speaker 2 You guys didn't have any clear cut boundaries, whereas me and my ex, it was he'd like couple of days prior been like, yes, you're it. I want to do this with you. Yeah. Speaker 1 Yeah. And if there's no, wait a second. But even though there's no clear cut boundaries because yeah, you guys are just starting to see each other, no. Speaker 3 No, no, no, no, totally. So. No, no. We. Speaker 1 Hadn't been sleeping. Speaker 3 No, yeah. So no intimacy, nothing scenario. Yeah, so very different. And This is why I felt that. And I literally just went on this week to let people know that I did have to do the walk of shame and apologize to him because. Speaker 2 Sorry, you're gorgeous. Speaker 3 I know. Fucked. Sorry. Yeah, I want that man. Yeah, I can tell. Yeah, yeah. Speaker 1 I need to see a photo of this through. Speaker 3 So I yes, it said to people because it's it is very different, like right, you have your initial thoughts and everyone else had the same thought. They were like in my thing going Oh what the. Speaker 1 Fuck, don't do that again. That's. Speaker 3 Right. But The thing is, is that yes, there was no intimacy. We had been very open from day dot about people that you know, we were seeing me asking him questions about. Speaker 2 His friends, guys. Speaker 3 The hell out of here. I did, because the minute he told me what he was like, you know, past relationships, whatever. Or dating. I was like sweet friend zone. So we do tennis, Golf shit. Speaker 1 Together. Yeah, OK, I get that. Speaker 3 Yeah, as friends, because I'm like, sweet, this is just a guy that I can chat to about other guys. He can give me his perspective when I'm talking to guys. And he would throughout, you know, the course of that friendship. And then obviously things started to cross wires on that weekend because then they saw us walking down at Burley, her friends, and then it all got back, you know? Speaker 2 To the girl and you got Hey girly. Speaker 3 Yep. And then? Speaker 2 Which mad respect. Like mad respect. Always call that shit out. Speaker 3 Absolutely. And also don't be afraid to say it, because these girls were also afraid to message me. I'm glad that they did. Yeah. Yeah. Because I need to know. Speaker 2 Yeah, 100%. Speaker 3 That stuff. But The thing is too is that again, I was triggered because it's like a young person with an older man. I saw myself at her age with my ex and the insulation no no, no, no, no 23424 OK yeah how how 24 OK yes, but in my head I'm like this is the thing they think she's she thinks they're dating they're not dating so when he even. Speaker 1 But why does she think they're dating? What is he saying? Speaker 3 No, but this is the thing. This is what I said. But he then provides his receipt. So I give him the space to speak and share his side. And it's like, oh, man, these fucking men that do this and and I, you, you can't be sleeping with these chicks, seeing them here and there and then then not like thinking that they're not then going to catch feelings. Yeah. So, no. So he made it clear that this is, we're not dating. Yeah, we're not dating, but. Speaker 2 Also at that age, 24 year old girl and like I mean oxytocin, absolutely every single time you're intimate. I had a friend. Speaker 1 Show, show me a message only because we're just talking. He goes look at this and I read a message and she's like, like very much saying come over and pretty much have your way with me. And I'm like, see, this is the problem with women like This is why? But then they go and turn to their friends and complain. That's right about how guys are. I'm like, because you're presenting yourself like the words that I read like that, like. Speaker 3 Literally on a platter. No, that's exactly right. And then they're getting hurt. Then they are being made to feel crazy because he is this man. I literally said to him that weekend. I said you need to stop making these women feel this love and then just stripping it straight back from them because I said This is why they are now in my DMS. Yeah, feeling how they're feeling, believing that they've had this experience with you. Speaker 2 When it wasn't. Speaker 3 When it wasn't that actually that correct? Yeah, You've made that clear. But it doesn't feel like that to US women when you're doing it consistently. Yeah, so. Speaker 2 And you can tell there's a difference between like a random hookup and the energy exchange in that way. But if you're like having an energy exchange, that feels a bit more like loving. Speaker 3 That's right. Speaker 1 If they message, you know what happens. It's the, it's the, the they go to home with them. And if they message the next day and start the conversation, that's like it. But if they go and hang out with them and they don't message, I didn't hear from him. It's clear the guys usually would put that boundary. Speaker 2 Up, straight away, energetically. I'm not saying I'm like a one night stand girl because I've probably had one in my entire life, but there's a big difference with that type of energy and knowing it's very clear cut. Yes. So when, yeah, there's an energy exchange that feels different to that. And like you say, consistency, yeah, you're going to think at some point it's like us holding onto hope you're going to change. Speaker 3 That's right, but these girls hold on to hope that this guy's. Speaker 2 Going to know. Speaker 1 That's right. But also part of it is, is it, you know, when the the guy when you're younger and the guy doesn't give you that energy and doesn't give you that? Speaker 2 You like the change, You want them more. Speaker 1 Yeah, it's kind of like. Speaker 3 That as an adult. Speaker 2 Although I feel it's a little bit different, like, yeah, if you're consistently being gorgeous to me and we're hanging out regularly and we like communicate all day every day, like I'm gonna think we're a thing. Yeah. Because it's. Speaker 1 As you get. Speaker 2 Older, I feel like you're less inclined to have those conversations because you just know that that's how it plays out. Speaker 3 Well, and This is why I needed some boundaries to be set. Yeah, very quickly because obviously when I shared that video that I did over the weekend and it went. Speaker 1 Nuts. Come on, I feel like I've missed out on this whole series. You have catch up and. Speaker 3 It it went nuts the way it did and then that girl comments on I don't know if you saw that. Speaker 2 I think I did vaguely, yeah. Speaker 1 God, you guys know so much. Speaker 2 Wait, we're in each other's dams. Speaker 3 All the time. So post that video, some chick comments on the video. That's that's wild because he was in my I was in his bed last week. But you know what? I post that fucking video and I said to him, I said, see, this is the problem with the shit that you've been doing is that. Speaker 2 Now you don't know what to. Speaker 3 Believe I posted this video and baiting this chick that commented I knew for a fact because what happened. Speaker 1 Was. Speaker 3 The day before when I posted the post about the tacos and us at the Taco thing and it had a post photo of him on it, she liked that same post. I thought that's interesting because you don't follow me. You must have maybe seen something on his profile and thought maybe who? I need to start this chick out. Who's this? Because maybe he's slept with you. So you're now feeling this authentation. Speaker 1 Good old Instagram. Speaker 3 You know, doing it sing. So anyway, I pressed that video obviously first person to comment her that and I was like fucking bum bitch. I knew it, but also him. I was like, there we go. Like, because I questioned him about it a month ago. Yeah. And he, you know, said some shit, whatever it was at the time. But then we were literally standing in the middle of woollies at the time this comment appeared. And I and I couldn't focus. And he's like, he's like, are you all good? I was like, I need to get out of here right now. And meanwhile, Cruise is with us. I was like, oh, fuck, just keep calm. Anyway, we get home. You're. Speaker 2 Just downward spiraling. Speaker 3 It's truly my whole body felt like, it's like, you know, it was like. Speaker 1 It's a trigger. Speaker 3 I couldn't feel, I felt white. Speaker 2 When the bomb goes off in a movie and then it's like that ring, yeah, but there's no noise and it's just that one ring. And you're just like. Speaker 1 You're like a deer in headlights. Speaker 3 Yeah, exactly that. Because I couldn't, I said I just need to get home, please. And he thank God he was driving because I was like in the backseat. I was like, just get home. I go and sit in the lounge room. He obviously comes and he stands there. It's like just this dead silence. So that ringing is still going. Speaker 2 That's the fucking war zone. Speaker 3 Yeah, and I'm just like in my so I'm also thinking just like you need to figure out what you're going to do it like right now. Yeah, because this is a consistent pattern now. But the the the thing for me is, is that because we've we already had this conversation from the last Hey, girlie was that, you know, there's been there's been no boundaries, there's been no labels. I've set no expectations. I've not stopped talking to other guys, you know, prior to, you know, the weekend, whatever. So I'm, I'd be a hypocrite, you know, because like, he's free to do his shit. I'm free to do my shit. Healthy Communication: Self-Awareness and the Physical Toll of Healing That's the thing. It's really important. Well. Speaker 2 If you've not had the conversation. Speaker 3 That's right. Never. So in that moment, though, that day was when it just all came out. He's like, I think you're actually really afraid to say what you want. And I was like, he called me out because I'm like, he was like literally I was, I just sat there in my bed and I was like. Speaker 2 This is This is. Speaker 1 The part that's coming up for me as well as like because you've come out of the space that you've been in and I had as well. What I didn't realize until now and I've got a beautiful partner now, but the only reason why I do is because I finally found a man that could actually hold a person like me who has gone through the things. So when things had come up that I over thought because it was a trigger, because it's so quick to just light that fire, yes, with us, yes, that I needed someone to not make it worse and to throw it back on me and do the narcissistic behaviour right and the manipulation, all that sort of stuff. I need someone to go and go, OK, She has gone through this stuff. She's told me about it. How can I handle it? Yeah. And it's the reassurance. It's it's not the reassurance as a manipulation line, but it's like you never have to question me or worry about that sort of stuff. Like how they hold you in that space. Yeah. That's the answer to whether it's a long term or it's another short term situation. If how they actually show up with someone that has been through, they need to understand that you are like this. Speaker 3 Exactly right. And The thing is, he has followed my socials for the entire. Speaker 1 Story knows the whole. Speaker 2 Story of. Speaker 3 Me losing my shit like he knows how I should. Speaker 1 And if he puts a step out of place, he's on blast. But. Speaker 3 See, this is the thing though, so. Speaker 2 Not now, no, No. Speaker 3 But this is what was wild to me is that like he's, he's seen it all. Like he sees how I shop online and I go nuts. That's ballsy. Speaker 2 Which is, yeah. Speaker 3 That's not correct nut which is why then, because I said when we were talking about it after the first hey girl, I was like, see, I'm surprised that you would do this knowing what I am like because I obviously triggered and I did exactly that. Then we spoke, work through that because like, you know, fair enough. He could have been like, because we, you know, being a friendship, he's like, what? You didn't need to do that to me. Like, you know, and he did, he called me and he's like, that didn't need to happen. We could have had a conversation like I told you in the 1st place, but see the triggers. I was like, Nah, you're going to gasp at me. You're going to manipulate me. You're going to make my feelings feel invalid. Speaker 1 All that comes up in. Speaker 3 Correct. And that was me just assuming that he was going to be like that when that actually was not the case at all. Yeah. So after we'd, you know, done this whole stroll to South Bank and back to Kangaroo Point, I was like, this man just listened the entire time and didn't once make me feel nuts or crazy. And he validated everything that I said. And I was like, fuck, I was like this mirror being held up to be like, it's me. Like it's not him. Speaker 1 That yeah. And there's but there's there's also so fun line with that because what you experienced in that moment with that walk is that's how it actually should be, right? So what you went through was like a minority, hopefully of the situation and what you're dealing with. It doesn't give him this massive tick of approval. It just puts him in a place of like, that was a healthy conversation. That was a healthy situation. You're still going to be a woman and have your wits about you and you still have to be a good person, whether it's a year, 10 years or however long. You still have to constantly show up in whatever capacity in my life and the kids life and all of that. It it doesn't give him this whole like no. Speaker 3 Pedestal, you're not. He's performed. Speaker 1 In this way it is for being. Speaker 3 Decent human, yeah. Speaker 1 And you're learning that. Speaker 3 I know you're learning. Speaker 1 What the bare minimum is? Speaker 2 And fuck, it takes a while. It does. Speaker 3 Well, it does. Speaker 1 It really does, and don't be hard on yourself. Speaker 3 No, I know because I do. I I do have to really check myself and my girlfriend's now actually like they're really good. They'll be like Chelsea, like you're self sabotaging. Stop it. Yeah, you know, which is. Yeah, I'm. Speaker 2 You'll be more aware of how you show up in those situations now too, because you've having you're having more of these types of experiences, like after the initial trauma. Speaker 3 Yes and like, you know, The thing is too, when I started to talk to those girls that were messaging me, yeah, you know, you take on their trauma. So then I felt like the voice to share that given the form that I have. But it's not mine to carry. And that's something really important that others should know is that when you are, you know, in a situation like me, you leave a relationship and you try to date again. But then you have people coming at your left, right and centre because perhaps they wanted that, you know, don't take on board that trauma because it's not you. Speaker 1 It's not your story. It's. Speaker 3 Right. It's not your story, it's not your experience with that person, and you could potentially ruin that relationship because you're choosing to take on board. Speaker 1 You're putting in a box. That's right. Yeah. And the other part that we've spoken about as well, which is something that no one ever talks about, is so you've gone through all of this and now you're on the other side and you're experiencing these situations, which are a lot healthier. Yes. And we spoke about this in the last episode. It's like no one got me ready or got me to understand what a healthy relationship is. And so the hardest relationships I've been in personally, in my own minds mentally are, is the one that I'm in now. Yeah. Because I have to do so much self talk and regulation within myself before I just project onto him about what's happened in the past because I'm like no one get has gotten me ready for a healthy relationship. So there's more triggers, there's more trauma that comes up because so I got, I feel like I've like I developed well, I don't feel like I actually was told and I have, I developed like a like a autoimmune response because I went into this whole relax, feminine, I suppose, healthy place. Everything that I had like sitting in my body that built up over that time finally came out. Yep. And I've gone through a really hard situation with it all, like mentally, because I'm just like, how do I deal with all of this? And I've luckily landed in the most safest place ever with this man. Yep. But you gotta find the right person to handle that shit because it's like, well, you do. You've got to deal with it with someone. Well, you do. Speaker 3 Because I posted a photo on my Instagram to show people what happened to my body because my immune system broke out in this rash. Speaker 1 Yes, I've got rashes. It was. Speaker 3 Yeah. Speaker 1 Fuck it was, I have to sleep with an ice pack. Oh yeah, all over your butt. Speaker 2 In. Speaker 1 My legs, I've got favour I I last night, every single night I had to have take antihistamine and I have to sleep with an ice pack on my thighs or my bum or here because I've got rashes all up my body and it's an autoimmune. Yeah. And that it's the stage 1 or two. It's not the constant one where I've actually got an autoimmune disease. It's the beginning stage. Speaker 3 Disease and that's what happened. I flew straight to the GP and we did all these tests, yeah. Speaker 1 And you know what they tell you? You've just got to relax. You've got to just. Speaker 2 Yeah. Speaker 1 Oh cheers, I didn't figure that. Speaker 3 You want to stop my life? Speaker 2 Like, are you king? That's what you're going to tell me. I can't take a tablet or something. You're going to say that I need to find some peace in my life. I'm like, I have no. But honestly, that's where it all stems from, though. Like even with my, like, my jaw grinding, they're like, you just need Yasmin. It's all stemming from like you being all jacked up because you're stressed out. And it's like, yeah, well, I know that They're like, it's a subconscious thing. You do it in your sleep. And I'm like, well I don't even fucking know I'm doing it so how am I supposed to stop it? But it's all linked to how I hold my. Speaker 1 Bodies and the more pain is on the other side yeah of letting it go and actually relearning what a healthy balanced lifestyle is and like not having this trauma constantly accumulating not having that fight and defence like oh mate, not having the fight meant for. Speaker 2 Me is out the gate. Yeah, today I was trying to, we were trying to communicate and I just like was so defensive and like just literally. Speaker 3 Well, you know what? Speaker 2 Music up and walked into the bathroom and. Speaker 1 All you just have to they have to have the space. Speaker 3 Yes, and see and right that day. Speaker 2 Just comes out. Speaker 3 Correct times. And so in that moment when we're having that conversation after we just got back from Woolies, I was like, I have the option here to go nuts. And I could feel it like I am that person that will go from zero to 100. Like there's. Speaker 1 No 100, but you're really yelling at your ex and you're not yelling at him. Speaker 3 Correct, And I also, though, had to just remember that we had just had a conversation about, you know, there's been no boundaries. This was not anything more than a friendship. So, you know, I, I then actually I was so surprised. I was like, did I just do that? I because obviously when that happens and you read that from a chick, right, you want to tell him to fuck off the feeling. And I said to him it was. And he goes, well, what do you he goes, he's standing there, he's just dead standing there for like a good 15 minutes, like at the end of the bed staring. And I was like, fuck, in my head. I'm like, don't fucking stare at me mate. Like just get this shit and get out the door. But he just stood there and I was like, he's like, So what do you want me to do? I was like, well, I want to tell you to fuck off. And he's like, right. But then I like, I told him I was like, come and sit down on the bed because I was like, no, I didn't want that. I did not want that. Because in my head I'm like, you haven't told him what you want. We've established no labels, whatever. But then we had a normal healthy conversation about what I was feeling in that moment. And then that's then when he opened the door to about me being afraid about what I want, what he wants. And then we had a conversation about what we want, which was the same thing. And it's like. Speaker 2 Jesus Christ, just have the conversation, Right? Right. And then all of that would have been avoided. I know trauma. But that's the thing, we don't, we don't like, you know, I've said you don't really get taught how to effectively communicate in a healthy way, especially depending on how you're modelled relationships. And you've as a 15 year old before your frontal lobes develop, literally you're in this toxic shitty ass relationship. Yeah, mine was modelled by my mum. Yours was modelled by your parents too, right? You just you, you gravitate to what you know and what's familiar. And that's why we. Speaker 1 Choose the past that place. The most uncomfortable place is what you don't know and what you have. Speaker 2 To and learning a new way of being. Speaker 3 Yeah. And I just think to myself, God, because then in that moment too, he reminded me, he's like, you have been so hot and cold. You one minute you say this and then it's you're telling me that you want nothing to do with me anymore. Like and it was and I was like, shit. Speaker 2 God, did he have whiplash? Speaker 3 Poor thing, I know, but that's right. Like, you know, but he's still about because he recognizes obviously what I've been through. Like he doesn't not acknowledge that. Like, he's very aware of that. Speaker 2 Does he have kids? Speaker 3 No, and it's the other thing, it's the thing that I loved about him because when we started talking way back was that he was honest about not wanting to date single mums. He's he was one to never want to date a single mum. Speaker 2 Oh, he changed his mind. Speaker 3 Yeah, which is why too are always friends own sweet. Speaker 2 Cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Speaker 3 But then the first, the first, the first time that I'd changed, I noticed myself. I think I actually might like this guy was when I saw him interact with Cruz. Yeah. And I was like, I'm surprised that this guy doesn't want to, I don't know, have his own kids or be with someone because it seems so natural. And then yeah, you. Speaker 2 Never know, he might change his mind later on and you might be having a third baby. I mean, you're young enough. Speaker 3 My eggs are older than you. Oh my gosh. Speaker 1 Oh yeah? Well. Speaker 3 They will all be seen back. Yeah, well, we'll all be in here. It's a year or two. Yeah, Yeah, if. Speaker 2 It's a year or two. Well, you actually have to wrap up because. Speaker 1 My doctor's been trying to call me the whole. Speaker 3 Time and I have. Speaker 1 Autoimmune that I need to go talk to and I've got a urine infection, so I really need to get that. Speaker 3 Oh my God. Speaker 1 It's all I'm nine minutes, I'm nine minutes into my appointment for coming. Speaker 2 Thank you. So grateful to have you on. I'm so I'm happy that you said yes. We could put it through the line out she just goes say less. Yeah. Speaker 3 Surely. Oh my God, I felt we need to go. Yeah. Speaker 1 This is amazing. Speaker 2 Well, I'm free now if you're free wine. Yeah, for sure. I love this. Alright, thank you for watching, guys. Sorry if that wasn't a little bit traumatic. Speaker 1 That was amazing. Speaker 2 But yeah, stay tuned for the next lot to come through. And Chelsea, thanks for coming. Speaker 1 Thank you. You're amazing. Thank you.