Speaker 1Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like. And that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average $21 with insurance, and some pay as little as $0 depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments. You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality, licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as $0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash ACAST. That's growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan.
Speaker 2Hello and welcome. And welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 28, and today I want to talk about how can we avoid entitlement at Christmas? You know what I mean? What feels like the constant, I want, I want, I want. Whether this comes from a place of comparison, so-and-so has chocolates for breakfast in their advent calendar, why can't we? So-and-so has elf on the shelf. Why don't we? To long lists of demands for Christmas presents you can't afford, or it just feels excessive. And before you know it, you're being sucked into excess when you know that's not what you want to do. And I want to start, first of all, by taking a bit of a step back, just for a moment, and for us to reflect on what is the purpose of Christmas. Now, I'm not going to get into a long lecture. We're not going to necessarily get into a major discussion in terms of the religious aspects, because obviously we all have various different beliefs, and we celebrate Christmas for various different purposes. But I want us for a moment to take a bit of a step back, because I talk about this idea that we need to be taking opportunities to reflect on why we do things, rather than getting sucked into autopilot. Lots of books might call it conscious parenting. Whatever the title is, I want us to remember that we're doing these things for a purpose. And what is that purpose? Rather than finding ourselves getting sucked into doing the same old thing year in, year out, year after year, people pleasing, children pleasing. For a moment, I want you just to take a step back. Now, when you come to this podcast, it may well even be the summer, or it may well be too late to make any changes for Christmas. But I don't ever believe it's ever too late. So let's just take a moment to really think about what is the purpose of Christmas. Now, I don't know about you, but for me, it's much more about an opportunity to get together, to spend time with my family, to spend time with my children, to spend time with my sister, my extended family, my brother, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews. It's really a time to connect with friends as well. So I want you just to spend a moment just really thinking for Christmas for you, what is it about? What's the purpose of it for you? Because I think that is really key to help us then start working through the next three bits, which we're going to talk about in a moment. In terms of setting our own traditions and reflecting on those sorts of purposes. But it's really reflecting back on what's the purpose of Christmas. What do we, through the process of celebrating Christmas, want to teach our children? What values would we like them to take away into their adulthood, into adult life? What is the meaning behind it so that we can stay grounded when we are bombarded by the commercialism that is Christmas? And I have to say, I have, when my children were younger, I too had been sucked into the major commercialism. But when I reflect back, and certainly my children are older now and young adults, when we reflect back on the moments and the memories and the specialness that they have of their childhood Christmases, it was always centred around the things that we did together. They don't really have vivid, fond, heartwarming memories of opening up an obscene number of presents or. All of those bits and pieces. It was much more to do with those movies that we used to watch on Christmas Eve. Whether it was the Polar Express and those sorts of things. It was those Christmas movies, those moments on Christmas Eve. It was the board games that we played throughout the festive period. So that might not be the purpose of Christmas for you. But I want you to really reflect on what are the most important aspects? Why is Christmas important for you? And it has to start with us as parents, because we're the role models. We set the tone. If our children display this entitlement and we allow that, we concede to that, we are always purchasing more, and more is never enough, so they want more, then we are fuelling that. So we have to start with that reflection of what is Christmas? What is actually the purpose of Christmas? What are the most important aspects of it? Because then that allows us to come to Christmas and make decisions about Christmas. So I want you to think about what we do, what we buy, how we celebrate it from a conscious place, from an intentional place, from a place where we have thought through what we might want to do. So I want you to start from that place and maybe even reflect back on your own childhood Christmases. And what were the important aspects of those? What are those moments that you particularly cherish? Now, I remember very vividly, I'm Egyptian, as a lot of you know, so we moved to the UK one time. I was about five or six. And so we didn't really celebrate Christmas because it's not a big part of the sort of the Islamic tradition, but we began celebrating it in my teens, really. And my, the most special part of Christmas was obviously the Christmas films, totally. But the other part that I remember the most vividly was my mother would buy us a special outfit, which we would buy before Christmas. But we were never going to buy it again. We were never allowed to wear it until Christmas Day. So the special Christmas outfit was always a very special thing. And then the other aspect that I remember very vividly and I'm so incredibly fond of was we didn't have stockings. But for those of you who are as old as me, you will remember that you used to buy, and my mother did buy, margarine and it used to come in these massive plastic tubs. I mean, like huge Tupperware pots, enormous. And obviously we must have got through, goodness knows how much margarine. During the course of the year and the years that went by. And actually my bit that I loved more than anything else was we used to wake up on Christmas morning and my sister and I were quite close in age, two years apart. But my brother is seven years older than me and nine years older than my sister. So of course he was, by the time we were celebrating Christmas, you know, he was like in late teens, early twenties. The last thing he wanted to do was wake up at five o'clock or four o'clock or the ridiculous hour that we used to wake up with excitement to open our presents. So we were allowed. To open up these margarine tubs, which my mother filled with all sorts of little things, hair clips, hair scrunchies, little bits of chocolate, little notebooks, little pencils. Those were the things that I genuinely absolutely remember with so much fondness. Can I remember a single Christmas present that I got? Absolutely not a single one other than my Christmas outfit, which I adored and my margarine pot full of little presents. And I would ask you to do the same. Just reflect back on your childhood Christmases. What are the things that you remember? What were the traditions that you may well have already started putting into place for your children? What are the traditions that you really didn't like and you made a very intentional and deliberate decision not to do? Because we have to start from that place because parenting comes from that place of all of the things that we take from our childhood, the experiences, how our parents raised us, inform and make those decisions about how we then choose to parent our own children. So let's start with that intention. What are our memories? What are the things that we're most fond of? And then also, what are the things that we've consciously made a decision about? And then I would say even maybe get your children to reflect back and ask them, what are their memories? What are the things that they love the most about Christmas? And you may well be quite pleasantly surprised. So let's start. Let's start with that reflection piece. And then I'm going to talk you through the three things that I think are the most important if we want to try and avoid this element of entitlement. And we must start from that place of understanding that we are the ones that facilitate that entitlement. We are the ones that allow it. So it has to start with us. So the first thing I would say is that there needs to be a bit of an education piece. We don't want to shame our children. We don't want to guilt our children. We certainly don't want to guilt our children. don't want to lecture them. So if we help them, our children, from the, I want an elephant on the shelf, I want an advent calendar with chocolate, I want this long list of Christmas presents. Let's start with the education piece and rather than lecturing, let's talk to them and talk as a family about how different countries, how different cultures, how different friends and families celebrate or don't celebrate Christmas. Let's start with that piece of information. Let's discuss that. Now, it may well be that you don't have extended friends and family that might celebrate Christmas in different ways in terms of from a traditional religious perspective, but every single family will celebrate Christmas in different ways. We know that certain cultures and certain religions will celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve, that that's their big day. Others will celebrate it on Boxing Day. Others won't celebrate Christmas at all. But it's how do these various different countries and cultures celebrate Christmas? How do they celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve? And we're living in a multicultural United Kingdom, but we're also living in an ever closer and ever blurred lines in terms of various different countries. And I know for those that are listening to my podcast, we're featured across 14 different countries in terms of their podcast charts. So I know that those of you listening will celebrate Christmas.
Speaker 1Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. See if you could pay as little as $0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com. Or not celebrate Christmas in lots of different ways.
Speaker 2So let's start with that education piece. Just because we might see something on social media, just because we might see something on television or in shops, it doesn't mean that that is the only way or the way at all that we might choose to celebrate Christmas. to celebrate Christmas ourselves. So it's really important that we need to set the context for what then becomes a further discussion about Christmas for our family. We need to set that context first in a way that doesn't sound like we're nagging, or we're shaming our children, or we're trying to make them feel guilty about their beliefs, their desires, and their aspirations. We've all no doubt had those conversations. I remember them incredibly vivid. Vividly, my mother, you know, whenever we wanted things, it would be like, well, think of all of those starving people who can't think of anything, who can't, don't even have any food. And there's a lot of truth in that. And we want to ground our children so that they are grateful for some of the things that we so often take for granted, like the roof over our head and the warmth that we experience in the food on our plate. But we need to do it in a way that educates our children and doesn't make them feel ashamed and doesn't make them feel guilty. So I think it's a really important piece to start with the education bit. And here, what we're really trying to do is help our children understand that while sometimes when we're doing this great comparison and we're looking at how other people are celebrating things and wishing that we had chocolate in our advent calendar or elf on the shelf or whatever things that our children may well be making that comparison or that request about, is that we're encouraging and helping our children to understand that it's broader. This might be what they're seeing because that might be what their best friend is seeing. So I think it's a really important piece to start with the education piece first. And then I think it's an input. The second step is an important step to talk about actually, what are your family values? Remember my analogy about helping our children build and construct their own building, their own home, which they'll inhabit. Our family values, which we instill with our children, form part of our family values. And so I think it's a really important piece to talk about actually, what are your family values? And so I think it's an input. The foundation on which the building rises. And it's really important when we're talking about Christmas that we connect back how we celebrate Christmas to our family values. What's important to us? Is it about generosity? Is it about kindness? Is it about gratitude? We really need to help our children. And we should be doing this regularly, not just at Christmas. But if we want to keep our children grounded, if we want to avoid an element of entitlement, an element of always wanting more and never being satisfied, we have to continually refer our children back in a compassionate, a kind and gentle way about what matters most to our family. And it's the values, the core values of kindness and trustworthiness and gratitude and loyalty that are key to helping us remember that this is the child that we're so it's thinking back, what do we want? What are our family values and reconnecting to those as part of our discussion for what the next step then becomes is, is that if we if we start with this education piece, understanding how different countries, different cultures, different friendships celebrate and our family celebrate Christmas. If we get grounded with what our family values, what's important to us as a family? What are the key things that we want to embody as a family and that we're trying to teach? What are the key things that we want to embody as a family and that we're trying to teach and promote for with for our children, so they then become these grounded adults in the future? What we can then do is start having discussions. The third step is about what are the traditions that we might want to set for our family? What are the core things that matter to us? If it's about kindness and gratitude, if some of those are our core values, then kindness and gratitude in terms of our family traditions might extend to aspects of, for example, our family values, our family values, our family values, our family values, our family values, declutter through the gifts and the toys that we might already have. And we share that because we are grateful for what we have. And we want to share that with those who are less fortunate. That might be a tradition. It might not be. But it's important that our children understand that the traditions that we create within our family are always congruent, always are aligned and sit with what our family values are. And sometimes, those family values can get lost. And it's not because we're irresponsible parents, but we can so easily get sucked into this notion that actually to be a great parent, we need to be purchasing these extra things. We need to do lavish advent calendars, which sometimes can be phenomenal gifts in themselves. But it's just trying to stay grounded with what are those family values and doing it from a place of knowing that it's congruent to our family values rather than feeling that we need to do something because we feel guilty in some way. Maybe we feel guilty because we think we work too much. Maybe we feel guilty because our children have to go to after school clubs or even to a childminder after school. Maybe we feel guilty because we're away from home quite a lot. Maybe we feel guilty because we don't always get home to bedtime. Maybe we feel guilty because we weren't able to make our children's nativity play, advent celebrations, or we don't manage to pick them up from school every day. Whatever that guilt is, we're not helping our children by overcompensating that guilt, our guilt, with adding gifts and extra items of possessions when so often, in my view, children value and they love more than anything is our time. And we've all been there, let's face it, when our children have opened up yet one more present after another present after another present without really appreciating each present as they open it. And then very quickly saying that they're bored. So I think it's really important when we're trying to avoid this notion of entitlement of more, more, more, I want, I want, is what are our family values? And from those family values, what are the traditions that as a family we want to embody? What do we want to try? And don't be afraid to try things. Don't be afraid to think, well, do you know what, this year, why don't we try doing this? Why don't we try doing that maybe we're going to open our Christmas presents in our pyjamas. Maybe we're going to go for a walk before we open a single present. Maybe we're going to deliver some mince pies to neighbours that may well not be able to get out or may not be socialising with other people. I don't know what it might be for your family. But it has to start by looking at what your family values are. What are those core things that matter to your family? What do you want to embody? And it may well be that you don't embody your family values. But it has to start by looking at what your family values embody those values yet. But those are the values that you want to embody that you want your children to embody and so let's think about what might those traditions be and that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy some of this sort of more commercialism aspect of Christmas of course you can but it's coming from a place of conscious intentional decisions about how you're going to celebrate it for your family rather than blindly following everyone else and then feeling wracked with remorse because you feel that your children have had too much or that you're not raising your children in a way where they have an appreciation for what they have so let's just recap on these I think the first thing is we need to start with a reflective piece we need to take a step back on what's the purpose of Christmas what do we value from that what what do we see on the purpose of Christmas and reflecting a little bit back on our own childhood and what was important about our childhood experiences of Christmas and also asking our children what what do they remember of the Christmases that they have had that they have felt were the best parts then we do an education piece so it's having those conversations with our children without shaming guilting them or lecturing them about understanding how different cultures countries friends and families celebrate or do not celebrate Christmas because that sets the context then it's a family gathering about what are the values that are important to us as a family and how do we then want to take those values in terms of what traditions do we want to have as a family which are going to be consistent with these values what are the things that we want what do we like about Christmas's past what do we not like so much what might we want to change this year what might we want to do that's slightly different and let's experiment let's present it to our children in that context if we're just trying something new let's just see how it pans out what do we think and then reflect on it again the next three things are the three things that I would suggest are the ways that we can avoid entitlement at Christmas so my give this week is just a checklist that we can remind ourselves of those pieces and so you need to head over to my free resource library drmaryhand.com forward slash library where you'll find the link to download the resource all you need to do is pop your email address and you'll get instant access not only to this week's resource but all the other free resources across all my podcast episodes and I'll see you in the next one bye as ever if you have enjoyed this episode I would love it if you could follow and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love so until next time
PodcastTranscript AI