Speaker 1like i remember the first time i came here it was like you were sweating you're like trying to make everything around oh my god yeah we were just like yeah you might want to like
Speaker 2wipe your face a little bit thanks for reminding me about that you know you come far you have come
Speaker 1so far and it's so good to see because even like these cameras too like there was an iphone there was something else like you had stuff but even i was inspired too from it because it made me want to move forward too and when i had you on my podcast do you remember how much of a shit show that was so much trial and error so much just like figuring it out seeing what works doesn't work does this sound good and like that's what i think drove me to not want to do it again and i'm like i don't want to do so much anymore which really sucks because i do love the production part of it like it's cool it's fun i like editing i like being here but this shit it's hard the in
Speaker 2between right the in between yeah and i don't think a lot of people realize it though too like everybody wants to start a podcast until they realize one you either pay somebody a shitload of money to do all this stuff for you yeah or you learn it yourself and what people don't realize what happened at your on your podcast that day that's happened to me so many times where it's just like and that's how i learned is because i i bang my head i scrape my knees so many times
Speaker 1and nobody sees that stuff right oh i know and you make all the mistakes and then you try not to make them again until you do and then you're like what the fuck am i doing but um no i'm really happy to be back because this is kind of what i needed to because obviously i like with my podcast that i have called talks on the rocks i haven't done much with it because it's actually gonna be ending completely and the reason why is because i'm not doing good basically it's just where am i going with this but also i've been relapsing a lot and it's just like i'm so sad to talk about this i don't mean to like get sad about it now but like it's um it's hard to just like put yourself out there but it's a lot of pressure there's a lot of pressure going on with me in my life right now that i just i want to take it back and i want to i want to go i want to move forward with it and i think the podcast has seen enough it's seen me go through so much shit where you know i got my nose surgery at the beginning that was a huge pivotal moment my recovery because it's like okay i'm like i was like i don't know two years clean off of cocaine and i'm like i'm getting that nose surgery the one that everyone talks about the free nose job that everyone talks about who does cocaine and who has the hole in their septum and i got it so i like reached that moment and then i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like and then afterwards i relapsed quickly because my mom passed away so it's like the podcast has seen enough it's seen me go through a lot of shit especially with my relapsing too and it almost came to a point where i'm just like should i just keep relapsing and talk about it in the podcast because it's like good content that's where it went and it's so fucked up to think that because i don't want to people please another people and i don't owe anybody anything in that sense so it's just about myself and it's about what i need in my life because as much as the podcast kept me accountable as much as it did help me with people coming to me and having that instagram and people having it open for people i i it's it just got too much but then again like that was my favorite part about it too was helping others and as much as you know i went into the podcast not wanting to i'm like oh my god please don't ask me anything i'm not a professional but no it it i ended up helping a lot of people and i have a lot of like personal people that have their stories and how i've been a pivotal part of it and it's so great to hear that but then i'm not doing well and my life is in shambles and i'm relapsing and relapsing and relapsing and i can't get out of it and i think about it a lot and i think about it a lot and i think about doing the podcast and i think it's like a chore like i'm like oh fuck i gotta record this i gotta talk about this now or you know so i just decided to end it um it might come back it might not i'm still in the works with it but i know right now is not a good time for me to keep continuing because of i need to just heal in so many other ways i obviously like i don't need to go back to rehab but there's times where it's like okay get me back to it and i'm like okay i'm gonna those church basements type of thing and there's a lot in my recovery that i'm missing there's a lot that i don't do that i should be doing and you're gonna always keep shitting yourself and i should do this and i should do this and that's gonna be that's gonna come but i'm there's a lot of shoulds right now and i'm so aware of it that i should tell aware of it i am it's really frustrating yeah i kind of wanted to start like because i i don't mean to use your platform as something for me to like give out but i haven't told anybody about this yet because i didn't want to i don't want to like i don't know you know when like celebrities make those like videos like sorry videos or i'm ending this or this isn't happening yeah no like i'd rather kind of talk about it in real life but i always felt really good i'm comfortable on your podcast and i obviously like everything that you've talked about like you know i'm not like i'm not like i'm not like you've had an episode where it was like about your identity and sobriety that like i'm going
Speaker 2through that right now trying to figure out who you are sober kind of thing yes and i had so much
Speaker 1confidence before when i had the podcast and i'm like yep sober sally sober sally this these last few months um i got a new job and this job requires um i do like live events i do live concerts a lot of clubs pubs alcohol everywhere type thing which has always been such a trigger for me it's always been a dangerous dangerous path for me but since i'm actually in the sales part of it so i work nine to five in office and you know the only way i need to actually make the sales is like go to these type of events and now i'm really nervous and it sucks because now where am i with my sobriety what do i say do i say i don't drink oh but are they gonna like it's it i don't know what to do anymore and it's it's really shitty because i used to be so confident in it and i like i took a lot for me to be confident in it and now i'm just like i know my sobriety is going to be safe
Speaker 2with me i just can't do it out loud for now right and that's the thing is like you don't have to put a pin in it you're putting a pin in it it's not burying it you're not burying it you're not burying it
Speaker 1and under six feet of sand and yeah yeah it's not gonna be gone forever it's still gonna be up like people can still message me i'm gonna have my gratitude list there because that does help me a lot and i know a lot of people gained a lot from that i'm just gonna be kind of going out in different ways you know it's just the more and more i think about it it makes me more and more pressured and i feel more sad and i just don't want to feel sad anymore about it um obviously with the relapse that i'm dealing with there they're pretty they're like i use very dangerously like very
Speaker 2so can you can you like walk us through so how did we get to this place yeah walk walk us through in case people haven't seen your first episode yeah um what was your last day like using before this relapse okay your last day maybe not well let's start with what was your last day using before you got sober the first time the last day that i used before so that was when
Speaker 1my mom passed away and i used but i did like one line i grabbed and then i flushed it in the because this is when i started the podcast after that a year sober and it was a great year hard not easy um you know time went by things happened the loneliness is really what's hard right now because yeah like i do live alone and i do have a lot of friends but i felt like my addiction was pushing me to isolate every fucking day and like i could hear this fucking addiction just being like you just want to stay in right now you just don't want to go out you want to cancel on these people oh you're too sick to do these dance rehearsals or go to this show because i'm like i do dance and i have shows coming up and sometimes i just won't even show for rehearsals and that's what led me to just say no might as well i'm going to go to this show because i'm well but it's almost just it was me feeling bad for myself and me victimizing myself because i've talked about this before too i love victimizing myself like i love to be me it's it's so true and i just love like the whole poor me poor me like you know i have to deal with this i have to do this i have to you know i i have so much like it's so much harder i have it way harder than you do and i'm i know this about myself too, which is so fucking frustrating because I'm just like Emily no shut the fuck up like you're not special you're nothing like how you're talking about yourself right now and this is where I didn't take a step back I did the first thing that came to my mind was you drugs I use drugs that's the first thing and it's sad because I talk about I think about the drugs first before the drink which is not normal normally I guess
Speaker 2I mean it happens that's me yeah I'm an addict through and through yeah I don't think about a
Speaker 1cold beer I think about yeah I think about coke like that's that's it and it's so frustrating too because I did at first like walking through how I kind of been relapsing I tested the waters like you know I've been at this for 10 years and I still believe that I can control it I still believe that and I still believe I can control my drinking but I am so fucking powerless over this and I had I I had a I had a I went out I didn't even go out I actually just like picked up like a six-pack and I just started drinking thinking let's test the waters here literally two beers later I'm on the phone and I'm going downstairs and it like even on like the weekday too so I'm like in a dangerous position right now where I I'm not I know recovery is messy and everyone has their shit and I'm I I hear that and I don't want to do it again and I'm like I don't want to do it again and I'm like I don't give myself more guilt and shame about it because it's that's what's killing me as well but
Speaker 2I think though a lot of people can relate and I'm really happy you came on and are so open and vulnerable to talk about this because I think a lot of people can relate to the isolation piece I mean even me like I've been doing this a long time and it doesn't go away like my brain tells me to just stay at home because it's easier because poor me I have self-pity all the time and it's like I don't know it's it's one of those things that it just keeps happening and the only and this this sucks to say and no one wants to hear this but yeah the only antidote to not feeling like doing something is doing it like it's so annoying and so but yeah it's the only antidote it's the only answer to doing things and like even you know with this podcast with anything in my life going to recovery things I can't tell you how many times I'm dragging my ass to them and it's like I just the good thing is my brain and my feet aren't always connected right and it's like I can't tell you how many times I just show up to things and like I'm literally praying talking to myself praying talking like help me get through this help me do this help me do this Anthony shut up stop being a bitch stop yeah that's literally like that's what's going on in my head and it is exhausting but I mean it doesn't in my experience it doesn't last it just when you're in it yeah it doesn't help you well when you're hearing that doesn't help you no absolutely not
Speaker 1because when you're in it you're in it and you're like oh my god I'm like oh my god I'm like oh my god I'm like oh my god I'm like oh my god I'm like oh my god I'm like oh my god I'm like oh my god only on one mindset you have tunnel vision and it's like when can I use next so I'll be honest the last time I've just used was like this weekend which was pretty bad because it's Mother's Day and like I remember too well I remember it was just a couple days ago I I woke up after using and I still had some leftover and I was like okay what do I do with this do like it was such a I couldn't flush it down the toilet I ended up using it and I literally was in my bathroom looking at myself crying while I'm rolling up the bill thinking I don't want to do this you don't want to do this you don't want to do this but I still do it that's what's really fucking frustrating right now is that I can't it's I'm powerless and I think this is a good time for me to come back on this podcast because you know I'm not checking off the boxes I'm not doing much to do it but I know the life that I had before and I know the life that I created and I loved it things just got hard but then you know relapsing isn't the answer because now we're look it's I'm back into that phase so in that year that you the first time around what did you do that you think that worked um I did so I did go to like a lot of recovery meetings then too um I had a therapist I you know what worked was my confidence in my sobriety I didn't care what people thought I didn't want to care what people thought and I was just like I I don't drink I don't drink this is it this is good I was good um lately it's just my brain kind of tricking me in my addiction especially I think with you know this
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Speaker 1this job has made me relapse or anything but there's just a lot that I do that talks about a lot of like alcohol consuming and I'm in just this weird place about it have you been out to a lot of events with them um just one actually um they invited me to a lot but I said no and then it's one of those things where it's like I'm a home alone and like they're doing the events and it's like oh I could be networking I could be doing this I could be making money in that sense so it's like and I'm not trying to I'm not trying to do it I'm not trying to do it I'm not trying to justify it by being like oh this job is not good for me it's it's a good job overall I'm just I'm I'm just really want to separate my recovery from it which can be hard because now I feel like I'm back to living like two separate lives and I used to try to make it all in one like even with my Instagram I would I took like um I took like a content creating like course I don't know actually you might know her but she lived in Liberty Village she lives in Mexico now but she did these content creating courses and you know she told me she's like you have to make it all one Instagram you can't have them separately and I was like no I have my personal I have my talks on the rocks separate and then that's kind of why I made like Emily off the rocks to kind of connect it and now it's not like that anymore because I don't want to connect it at all because now I'm reaching out to like event venues and like who would want to work with somebody who's like this but then again it's not like a bad thing either but when I'm struggling it feels like a curse it's a curse and it's just like I feel like it's just a two two-ended sword I I feel like I just can't win with a lot of things and that's what makes me want to use so yeah poor me poor me I mean listen you're
Speaker 2you're getting honest and vulnerable about it it's it's the
Speaker 1and I think I mean the fact that you even showed up today I know honestly if I used on the weekend I wouldn't be here oh no honestly yeah I'm surprised too because I'm like literally like when I was trying to go to bed last night it's like you know things were you know how you know the feeling the calm down and I'm like how am I gonna do this tomorrow but I showed up to work today I did my job I I do well at my job too and I knew coming today was gonna help me because at least if I'm vulnerable here I can help other people because talks on the rocks has always been about that vulnerability and that's kind of why I wanted to take a break from it because I don't want to I don't want to talk about my struggles anymore I just kind of want to leave it but I'm here so if this if your platform can help people then that's what I want but um the podcast it just needs to end
Speaker 2I mean again let's put a pin in it right it's not forever you can get back to it but essentially yeah you said it perfectly right off the top you said I need to work on myself first before I can start trying to focus on other people because that's an important part of recovery helping others is is probably one of the most important parts of my recovery but I have to get sort of right with myself in the beginning and yeah like I know the exact when you're as you're talking to me I can feel the pain and I know because I've been in that situation when I really relapsed after seven and a half years like I didn't jump right back into this thing no fuck no no I wanted to keep going the obsession of every alcoholic or abnormal drinker user is that one day he or she will control his drinking yep I'll beat the game this yeah that's oh my god
Speaker 1all the time like when is this just gonna be over for me like when am I gonna you know I'll be 15 years sober and things are great like it's so fucking it's not like that it's not that easy if it was easy I'd be like oh my god I'm gonna be like oh my god I'm gonna be like oh my god I'm Everybody would be doing it, obviously.
Speaker 2And if drinking was my problem, then rehab would have fixed me forever. Oh, my God. It's a thinking thing.
Speaker 1It is. It's a mindset. And I'm not using that part either because I've learned so much in the past like 10 plus years that I've been trying to work on my recovery. Because my first rehab was in 2018. And I was like thinking this is just a break. And this is when I was like in such a different place in my life. Like I was dating a drug dealer. I was like, you know, hooked and hooked. But I thought, okay, this is just a break. I'm going to go back into this. Or at least I'll just drink and not use. But I'll, of course. And then that's how you learn. And then that's what I'm learning about myself too. And I think I'm just frustrated in myself now because here we are, 2026. I'm 35. Why am I still doing this? So, and also too, it's not like people are pressuring me. It's my mind. It's fucking my mind. Yeah. So, I don't like that.
Speaker 2It's terrible because you can't escape it, right? And you can't run away from it. What are the thoughts? Like what do drugs do for you?
Speaker 1Honestly, the first thing, like the first time I use, I don't want to trigger, be too triggering or anything. But the first time I use, like it just gives me something that it's like, okay, everything's going to be okay. But even just like the whole. Like the building up to it. I love texting the dealer and seeing like it's on WhatsApp, seeing those two check marks light up. That gives me dopamine. Telling him he's going to be a couple minutes. That gives me dopamine. Going downstairs, that gives me. And once it happens, I'm like, okay, that was, that was cool. And then it's like, you're almost like, okay, now I got to do this. And that's where my addiction tricks me. It's like, you don't have to, but I do. Also, I don't. I'm not. I have so many people that reach out to me and that love me. And my phone is like heavy with numbers, but I don't use them. And that's what Christine always told me. She's always so annoying with that. Because she's just like, your phone should be so heavy with all these numbers.
Speaker 2That's the problem. It's too heavy.
Speaker 1And I'm like, yeah, I don't want to pick it up and do it. Yeah. And I'm not somebody that just like calls. But even like today, this is why I think this is kind of like divine timing in a way. Because. Because having that person call me today when I don't really even know him and he's struggling and wants to call me, I'm like, whoa, like I felt like a little bit of a God shot there. And then now I'm here and I'm talking about it. This. I know this could be a huge pivotal moment in my life if I make it. And I have options. I have the choice before. Once I have that first drink, I don't.
Speaker 2Yeah. Can you talk a little bit about that? Like, what does that look like for the people? Because I know a lot of people, myself included, alcohol. Yes, I'm an alcoholic. I can say that because when I use alcohol, I break out into cocaine and drugs. I just, I have an abnormal reaction. I have an abnormal reaction. Yeah. What does that look like when you had that first six pack? And like, how do you, how do you relate alcohol to drugs?
Speaker 1Yeah. I honestly, just because I know alcohol can just like make me really messy. I, you know, start going on dating apps. I start doing stupid things. Stupid shit. Messaging people I shouldn't be messaging. And then with cocaine, it helps me just wire up. Right. Like, evens you out. But thing is, cocaine doesn't really work for me that well because I still have like a big hole in my septum that it's like it goes through. But then it just goes right out. Like, it doesn't work. In your stomach? Yeah. Like, through my throat.
Speaker 2So you get nasty drips. I do.
Speaker 1And it's disgusting. And like, I wake up with like bloody tissues because I'm like. What the fuck happened? Right? Like, it's, this is why I feel like I'm, it's so dangerous for me to use because I do it alone. And then also I'm, I'm literally bleeding out. And it's, it's, it's not good. And I'm, it's, it's something, it's a, it's a problem right now. So, like I said, I'm glad I'm here. But then again, you know. I don't want. I don't want people to think, oh, she's in trouble. But see, I don't like, this is why this is so, so hard. Like caring what people think is what's got me like into podcasting in the first place. Because when people were talking about an overdose that I had a couple of years back, I'm like, I'm going to make a podcast and I'm going to talk about everything. And it turned out great. And I felt great. And now I'm back to, I care about what people think. It's like, fuck.
Speaker 2What was the overdose like?
Speaker 1Um, it was scary. It was, so I actually went into work. I was working at like, um, I was kind of like a social wellness club and I was a manager at a restaurant and like, thank God there was alcohol there. Cause like, it was bad. It's like two nights of just straight. And I went to work and all of a sudden I just felt like numbness coming through. And then I ended up passing out and I went to the hospital and there ended up being fentanyl in the cocaine that I had. And. I talk about that on my podcast and I'm very honest and open about that. And then like, you know, it's funny cause my ex boyfriend, he was my emergency contact, but he wasn't my boyfriend then either. And he was still on my emergency contact list. So my work's calling him being like, Emily's in the hospital. He's like, we're not dating anymore. This was like recent after we broke up because of his drinking. And so then that, that hit me where I'm like, fuck, here we go. Cause then he tells people and then other people come to me and then I have like my aunt from. You know, my hometown asking me about it. So that's what drives me insane too. Cause it's like, this is why I need to just let go of what people think. Like, yes, it happened, but I want to take back this power. I want to be able to say, yes, I'm an addict, alcoholic, and I'm struggling. And that's okay.
Speaker 2Why is it so hard to call people? Cause I, I, I, I struggle with it too. No, it's, you're not alone in that. There's a lot of people that.
Speaker 1I think it's just like what I get. I get nervous about is that people will be like, okay, I'm coming over. I'm like, no, I like one time I was so like, I was on like a bender. It was a while ago, but my friend, she actually just passed away a couple of years ago due to alcoholism. But she called me while I was on like day three, maybe. And she's just like, okay, I'm going to come over. I'm coming over. I'm like, dude, if you come over, I'm going to slam the door on your face. And I'm going to be like, just not happy with you. Cause this is why I didn't want to talk. Cause you're now. I'm going to try to help me and I don't want to, you know, and then it leads to like, oh shit. Oh shit. Now this is serious.
Speaker 2It's like this, it's sort of like this conundrum of, I want the pain to stop, but I don't want to give up my failed solution. My medicine with drugs and alcohol, like I don't want to stop using, but I want the pain to go away.
Speaker 1Yes. And it's like, you're, you know, you call people because you feel like, okay, this is a good idea. And then after it's like, that was a bad idea.
Speaker 2And it's always a good idea.
Speaker 1It is always a good idea. Absolutely.
Speaker 2The key for me is like, I have to call people when I'm struggling. Before I pick up. Right.
Speaker 1And I, I mean, I know you know that. I pick up and then I call.
Speaker 2Well, cause then, because cocaine, I used to call people all the time when I was high because I would get dopamine from talking. Yeah. And that's what cocaine does. And I was like you, I mean, by the end of my last relapse, I ended up at after hours, but I like to be alone too. Like I would go to after hours by myself because I didn't, again, yeah, I didn't like if I was around you, you were judging me like, unless you were. Absolutely. So I was like, I could, you know what, I'm just going to do this alone. Yeah. Cause I don't like when people are, you know, I'm using more than people and it makes me
Speaker 1uncomfortable. Oh my God. If they, yeah. Like I always feel judged about like, you know, how much I'm using or how big my lines are or everything like that. And how many I'm taking in a row because like for me and my nose and everything, it takes a lot for me to get high now.
Speaker 2Yeah. A lot.
Speaker 1Your tolerance goes way up. Yeah. So. I'm, I'm just. Yeah. I'm just like right now. Yes. I'm in this place where I'm just feeling a lot of pressure, um, from just having to having to have to talk about it, but I'm glad I'm talking about it here because at least with this platform, I'll be able to kind of, like you said, put a pin in it and go from there. And now like in my head right now, it's so crazy. I'm like, oh fuck. I shouldn't have said any of this. Oh fuck. You know, it's not fucking crazy.
Speaker 2It's telling on yourself.
Speaker 1It's the best. I'm literally like, oh my God. You just came here.
Speaker 2This is the worst idea ever. Why did I do this? Because, because. Why am I talking about this? Because Emily, there's something inside of you that wants this pain to stop and knows that it can stop. Of course. Yeah. Otherwise you wouldn't have come here. You wouldn't be reaching out. You would just say, fuck it and, and use until you die. Oh yeah. Yeah. Right. There's a piece inside of you and inside everybody that's like, no, you're better than this, dude. And, and like this, it doesn't have to be the way you live the rest of your life. And you know that. I do. It's like, why, why is it so hard to call someone and why is it so hard to go to rehab? Because you mentioned that right off the top. You're like, I don't think I need rehab.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2I needed rehab three times. Yeah. All three times. Yeah. Straight up. I couldn't stop by myself. And I'm not saying you need rehab. Maybe you do.
Speaker 1Maybe you don't. But why is that so hard to go to rehab? Yeah. Well, obviously we're all going to use the same excuse about it. Like, you know, oh, I'm in a point in my life where my work's going well. This is going well. We're going to use every single fucking excuse in the book. I can't afford rehab anymore. That's like out the drain and I'm, I do have the tools now to come back into it to understand because my awareness of it is so crystal clear that I know and there's just there's planning that I need to do especially like when it comes to my weekends like okay Friday night I should try to make plans with like my brother and my nephews you know trying to reach out more in that sense before I pick up because once I pick up like I'm gone but I need I have those options right and that's it's just the choice at the end of the day and at some somebody actually told me like after like a couple relapses ago I was like I'm just doing this to myself like this isn't benefiting anyone at all it's not benefiting me it's not this isn't doing anything for me and then I'm like I chose this but then I think also too like you choose to either fight or give in and like I just chose to stop fighting you because I got tired I got tired and now I'm fighting to get out of it so this is why like it's so hard to talk about because I don't get it either I don't know it's sort of that leap
Speaker 2of faith that we have to do in the beginning and yeah I mean yeah rehab's hard going to rehab's hard going to government-funded rehab is hard there's more obstacles in the way because you have to wait and stuff like that but there is there's always there's always a way to get out of it right yeah I mean if you wanted to go to rehab I'm sure you could find a way to go to rehab
Speaker 1yeah you're right there is I know what you're trying to do I work at a rehab so oh do you really
Speaker 2I'll tell you after okay okay but um it's in the city but um it's okay I think I know which one you're talking but like why why is rehab so hard because it's like I have a job I have I'm not saying for you it was hard for me to go to yeah I'm just why for an addict is it so hard to go to rehab I think because you're ultimately giving up the chance that you'll ever you're you're kind of giving into this idea that maybe I can't do this alone yeah but then I still think okay let's
Speaker 1just go back to meetings let's just do this let's get a sponsor let's work the fucking steps why not you know and I probably shouldn't talk about anything about those type of meetings or anything because it's like a part of the tradition or whatever but that's where my mind goes first before it's like hey wait wait wait before rehab there's so much I could do that I'm not doing today but then this is my addiction
Speaker 2talking I mean that's it's true though I mean there's there's not everyone goes to rehab right
Speaker 1not everyone has to go to rehab I know and I judge people sometimes too it's like you didn't go to rehab you're not real like a real addict and like I was such an asshole because my one friend she's in recovery and she just doesn't drink and she's like well Emily not everyone can afford it I'm like oh my god yeah what a privileged fucking person it's such a like I feel like such an asshole because I'm just like okay I've been at two rehabs and no clearly there is more than work I need to do there's a lot of work that I need to do and I think starting here it's Monday I went to work today I come here I'm gonna go home I'm gonna walk my dog I'm gonna order a pizza and I'll go to bed and that is a huge fucking win yeah huge one day at a time right and as long as I can just focus on that like that's how I know but like I said I think I'm just I don't want I'm kind of scared to now be this whole person on the internet that is sober because I can't help anybody and I still need to help myself there's a lot of healing that I still need to do and I it's just like I hate being like a poster child of it all like people see your face and they're just like oh Anthony the sober guy and like that's you love that I'm here being like oh
Speaker 2I mean you but yeah you have to anyone that goes public on the there's days don't get me wrong there's days where sometimes I'm like fuck can I ever get like a normal job again it's like with the stigma and stuff right yeah but uh I don't know when you it is the stigma I
Speaker 1think that's what's getting me yeah and I've heard actually this just happened at my job not too long ago because like we talked about it a lot but I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know vendors a lot and there's somebody that I recommended who has a sober market and he sells non-alcoholic drinks and he you know makes mocktails and whatever and I suggested that you know we should because he wanted to be a part of a festival that we were holding and he ended up being like a huge dick I guess and everyone was talking about it and after the meeting and he everyone was like oh I guess he just needs a drink and I was like laughing at it but I'm like oh
Speaker 6fuck it's actually horrible it's awful
Speaker 1you know like that's awful because I know who this person is like you know deep down he's not a dick but yeah he's an entrepreneur or whatever he's gonna say what he needs to say but like saying that like you know I think this person just sounds like he needs a fucking drink that's so fucked up and I'm just like oh damn and then my mind goes back to where it was you know my confidence and my sobriety goes and I don't know how to handle it anymore like it's just little things that have been happening here and there you know and it's good like because my last job before was like very alcohol driven like you know the office like Toronto offices they all have you know those kegs and beer fridges and people are doing especially in like my industry people are doing lines in the bathroom and you know that was like at my last job this job no but why am I feeling this pressure about still feeling that I could control my drinking now and when alcohol doesn't really be talked about at all except you
Speaker 2know when we're talking about this everywhere everywhere I go I'm there right I take myself with me so it's like oh yeah it doesn't matter what like any form of you mentioned it I said when I asked you what drugs and alcohol do for you yeah you basically said relief yeah quiet yeah no problems yeah right and this is why spirituality works so well for a lot of people is because the power greater than myself thing it's like drugs and alcohol were that power are that power yeah and it works otherwise we wouldn't get into it right it takes away the problems yeah whenever I have fear it's gone yeah whenever I have worry anxiety well they're thinking about me there because all those insecurities you talked about we all have them yeah it's just some people it's how we deal with it is different and so your brain my brain when I'm in early when I'm in active addiction my brain is like I know what works every time I'm gonna go back to drugs because it's a shortcut it works yeah and my brain doesn't know any other way to do it right
Speaker 1but I mean I also forget about where it brings me to I also forget to like you know they tell you like the fast forward those tapes all the way through all the way through don't think about what's gonna happen an hour think about the next morning think about your day the next day think about who you be disappointing think about you know like they say it's like a family disease who what attachments are you gonna be losing in some ways and that's coming I know that's that's coming and it's like I said like relapsing has it's been here but like you know it's recent obviously too but see this is like I don't want to justify that what I'm doing is okay because it's not and like I know with your ears and you're hearing me being like this girl needs rehab right no not necessarily you need
Speaker 2help but yeah so did I so do millions of people around the world yeah how many people don't
Speaker 1fucking talk about this shit well and I think that's why um the judgment of it all but there's
Speaker 2people suffering right now as we speak they don't even have a house on the street going through the
Speaker 1same thing but we could easily be that person too and like that's what I always you know always judged as well like when I first went to my first meeting I was in rehab and I'm like I am not as bad as all these people and then as like you know you grow into it and as you learn more about yourself like oh my god it could totally be that homeless person drinking out of a brown paper bag under the bridge easily easily can you tell
Speaker 2me about the progression like how has it gotten worse since you relapsed how's it gotten worse like so what do you mean just how I mean for me it got way worse every time I relapsed I was doing new drugs oh okay I was in places I said I would never go oh okay okay yeah so I like I stay home
Speaker 1I keep to myself but like the isolation is what my addiction wants and the isolation is what my addiction feeds off of and so when I say it gets worse like using alone and how much I'm using that's dangerous because all who I'm I live alone and you know I don't have like any crazy thoughts of me like wanting to go out and do stuff it's just me being alone and just like feeling nothing that's all I care about and it could be dangerous because what if I overdose there what if something happened and no one's around that's what's scary you have a dog right yeah yeah yeah and she would just be like probably like what the fuck no she knows oh my god I think she she does know she probably knows yeah every time she sees my head I don't think she's judging you no she's always gonna love me and like I know and it's bad because like I'll look at her the next day and I tell her like I am the worst mom in the world and she's like like I can say she's like no you're not no you're not you're just going through this this is just hard but I this is why I like I don't love myself right now and I think also too a lot had to do with going back on dating apps and I know you had somebody on here that talked about that because my god it's so true like you just feel like worse and worse and worse and worse when you're about yourself and that's kind of where my addiction came back is feeling so much worse for myself and then like yeah let's go for a drink and then you know they ghost you or they're just picking you and it's like you just feel like am I not enough and I that really what triggered my addiction as well because I do have like that trauma and I do have you know people not believing in me or I don't feel like I'm enough so that really triggered a lot and it's funny because like the year the first year that I got sober I told everybody like podcast host here I'm not gonna date until I'm a year sober and I still didn't date even after that like I was like here and there or whatever but like being on the apps and everything like that was scary and then I thought okay I feel like cool now I have this new job I feel like everything's kind of coming to let's see what's out there let's have fun this summer let's say yes more and I'm saying yes to the wrong thing you know and it's like that so like I know there's a connection there with my addiction it's either like you know love or just being wanted that or attention you know validation there's so much that connects it and like that's what I want to talk about a lot and I do talk about my podcast but a friend of mine who I don't even really know if this is a friend they were like I'm so sick of you hearing about your addiction and how it connects everyone and I'm like that's how my life is is like it's literally I will blame my addiction if I feel like I'm doing too much of something if I'm being too much or if I get hyper focused on it I'm like oh addict addict here addict here and they were just kind of like you know stop saying that and that's what also like drove me down so I think there's a lot of reasons why this relapse happened and it's happening because I'm back to where I am feeling judged and I'm back to where I care what people think and I'm back to where let's see if I can control this and here we are
Speaker 2again you know that's such a good point it's like why do you always talk about your addiction and and it leading to everything I think that's one of the big issues people have with the whole sober culture is yeah we keep shoving into my face I don't want to hear about it's because it's like for us it's the most important thing in my life today yeah and it does all connect back and this is why recovery has to come at the top of everything because you lose everything else otherwise I did never believe it's the same thing with my addictions connected to everything so
Speaker 1is my recovery yeah and my recovery is so important right now like it's number one it's especially being recently off a relapse I'm it it has to be number one like not coming here today I would have let addiction win if I didn't go to work I would have let addiction win if I didn't you know if I like there's a lot of what could have happened but I'm making the choices today to let Emily win but then also it's you it's that identity part too like I'm Emily but I'm also an addict and alcoholic I'm not just an addict and alcoholic but it is a big part of my life and it's what makes me function if you want Emily she needs recovery if you want like addict Emily and not her to be around always saying she's too sick to do stuff and I actually had that like now a couple weeks ago I had like at least three people being like oh you weren't here because you said you were sick I'm like up I was using oh you said that you were too sick I'm like oh no I wasn't you know and it came a lot where I'm like oh wow normally people aren't this sick all the time but I am sick like I'm very very sick and it's it's it's it's what I'm trying to figure out right now and like I said like my I'm so hyper aware of everything that I know what I need to do it's just having to do it I just think you know I used to I used to let every little excuse make me relapse and I think that's what I'm doing now which I don't want to but I feel that after talking about it you know oh I've been back on dating apps I relapse like no you don't you know or like people start saying stuff or people you know little things are just like I got to be stronger than that and I have been before so I know I'll get back there but like I said I there's a lot of work that I need to do there's a lot of things that I need differently there's a lot of things that I'm still not aware of even just with myself there's still and I'm constantly going to be learning until the end of it yeah and I mean I yeah until the end
Speaker 2of life until the end of time like I'm still learning every single day that you're triggered
Speaker 1by the stupidest shit sometimes like it just there's so many times where I'm just like damn this sucks like I don't want to deal with this anymore why can't I just use normally why can't you know I go out and just have like you know fun with friends and not use the way I use why why why and then you that's when you feel bad for yourself and that's when you victimize yourself and then you say oh my god poor me and then that's where it'll come this like shame and
Speaker 2self-pity are the two huge driving forces for for any addiction but mine especially especially if you have a year yeah I had seven and a half like any any amount of time where people know you as the sober person now and then you relapse it's really hard to come back and say hey I fucked up yeah yeah now I have to start over and I mean yeah you're not starting over it feels like you are a lot of people say but you didn't lose that
Speaker 1year see and that's and I hated when people told me no I hate it is your closet ready for summer
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Speaker 2who's those seven and a half years like yeah well fuck if you felt like me right now I felt like I
Speaker 1lost everything don't fucking say that that's not what I need to hear because I was almost at two years like I was at a year in like 11 months that's right and it was just like oh my god like that's not what I want to hear right now that's like the exact opposite but it's so true because like I look back at that year and I hold that year so close to me because that was like one of the worst years of my life where I was grieving and I was like oh my god I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry and I sorry I didn't want to cry this much it's funny I only cry on my podcast I don't know why I cry on other people's but yeah this that that year was really hard but I got so I stayed sober so I know I can do it again and like it's just like I want to go back to that Emily I think right now I'm just grieving that Emily if that makes sense yeah I'm like grieving her and her confidence and her ability to talk about everything that she does with her sobriety and how she does it and so even like being here today I think it's like a big catalyst of what I need to do but you know sharing all of this is only what's gonna help me but starting doing putting the pin in the podcast is just what's best for me because I still feel like I'm reliving a lot of things
Speaker 2so I'm just in this hard hard place I found it a lot easier to talk vulnerably on the podcast than to talk with other people and and I mean that's that's just the crux of it right there is like you and I we need to talk vulnerably with humans yeah the podcast is great me opening up helps a lot of people for sure helps me as well yeah but if I'm not connecting with human beings and listen I'm not a fucking poster boy of recovery here trust me I don't answer my phone and people call a lot of the time I know I get scared like it's scared it's fear it's also like I don't really feel like doing this right yeah I just don't want to talk I work on that all the time like I struggle with that a lot yeah but do you ever notice people call you when you're kind of at the worst place do you ever notice that I had no idea you were struggling and I texted you yeah I knew you were relapsed I know but
Speaker 1literally when you asked me to come back I'm like this is the worst time for me to do it but also this is why this is like kind of divine timing in a way and so this is what gives me hope and this is what gives me that faith too because that's where you know the spirituality stuff can come into it because I do pray every day I pray in the morning like when I'm taking my medication I just say like get me sober today just help me get through the day sober and then you know I just try to go about my day even if it's not much I still do it um and even at night there's like a lot that I need to do as well the gratitude list is something very important to me um journaling as well but you know I I stopped doing that as time went so there's like I said I'm I was missing a lot of things in my recovery do you remember
Speaker 2a specific moment before that relapse after almost two years where you can kind of pinpoint and say oh yeah that's where I decided or the the days or weeks leading up to it yeah yeah yeah um
Speaker 1yeah so I quit my job like back in October I quit my job because I had something lined up and this job it was like in events as well because like going back into events is a kind of a risky thing for me especially being in that atmosphere but this was also another nine-to-five office sales job which I was okay this seems good and that's what I'm in right now but the job didn't work out not because of like myself it's just it wasn't what I expected so I wasn't working for a really long time and I was living alone and it was the dead of winter November December came around it was December 1st I relapsed and 25 of yeah 2025 and like Christmas was coming around holidays are so hard this is when I just let my addiction win I let it win and it's not I don't like it's not like I'm like this is what I'm trying to say I don't want to justify it this shit and just say this is okay though no it's not it's not okay but I needed that relapse in order to figure out like what I was doing because then after that I had six months and now here I am it's such a fucking roller coaster yeah like why and like you know I'm not trying to excuse that obviously yes like I think there's a lot that I'm still grieving like I said old Emily my mom old life but I just I need to look forward and have that tunnel vision of just being like you need to recreate this life that you had once and get it back get that shit back and it makes me excited even thinking about it yeah because I like you know even like if I was sober for like two weeks and it happened like I was sober for like two weeks and then I relapsed again I felt so good in those two weeks like why am I doing this to myself and then it's like because I chose to not fight anymore and that was it
Speaker 2it's so fucked up yeah I mean yeah addiction's fucked up it's hard it sucks and that's why it's like anything you know I was always taught first thought wrong and so the first thought that I have in any situation in my life is usually the wrong thought the very first thought yeah right it's like now I have no control over that first thought but I have control of a second and then my action right yeah absolutely for me it's like I can't I every week I do shit in recovery that I don't want to do yeah I know but I know I need to because I don't want to go back to that place because I know as you're sitting here talking like you don't even have to tell me what's happening when you relapse like I just know you know when you get to levels like us yeah it's the same desolate hell yeah every single time but it actually gets worse no yeah and you
Speaker 1think it's just gonna you know get better no it doesn't and it's funny like you asked me questions of like you know what does drugs give you what does it give you and like I say relief yeah for a minute and then it doesn't but like you know I always it's funny because I have this tattooed on my arm it's this too shall pass and I got it before even I was like addicted at all like I went to my first rehab someone saw it like that's like a huge recovery saying I'm like no it's not I'm like fuck off and now I'm in the middle of it getting removed because I just don't want anything on this arm but I want to get it like re-tattooed on myself because I don't want I do believe this saying is like a huge part of what it is as cliche and as like cringy it is I do believe this too shall pass because every thought that I have is the first thought it's never the best one which I think is hard to accept about myself too you know and like being like almost two years sober like you think like I got this I got this and like even before that I was so back and forth like getting a year was a huge thing for me huge and I'm so grateful that I got that especially after with my mom passing like that year I should have been dead and like I it's it's scary is that to say like I should have
Speaker 2you had every reason to to relapse right yeah and a lot of people probably wouldn't have faulted you and said that you know oh yeah that was a hard time for it but you got through it yeah so how
Speaker 1did you get through it I just like I don't know I was confident if you can do that fuck you can do anything I can do anything and that's like kind of why I think to my awareness means a lot to me and it's important to me because I use it to you know this is how you are you know this about yourself just don't think about this you know but then you know once I make that first text I don't know what it is anticipation yeah I don't know what the fuck it is but it's just it lights something up I don't know what it is I don't know what it is I don't know what it is up in me it's like and it's it's literally like you know even with shopping to like putting something in that cart buying something saying your order is confirmed that get like that lights me up and maybe also to like with the dating apps somebody match with me somebody saying like oh you're beautiful that validation lights me up but what about me like why don't I like myself you know and it's like so hard to keep up with sometimes because even the person that called me today it's like you have a heart of gold you know let's not be strangers and I'm just like oh my god I don't if only you knew yeah exactly like bro I'm not like I'm not like yes I can tell you everything but I'm not like this is why I wanted to put a pin in the podcast as well because I feel like such a fraud having this recovery podcast interviewing people but I'm not doing it you know and here I am today on yours feeling happy that I did it now me too yeah feeling happy I did it also like there was parts in it where I'm like fuck then I'm like okay no this is good no it's not good it's good like I'm so back and forth and yeah I I'm glad I'm here overall um I know actually I like like I said I need to get myself back to those church basements I need to because I think that's what I'm missing is just like the community part of it um like I have a women's
Speaker 2group that I'm really close that's what I was gonna ask you if I if I told you you how many people could you call right now so many women how many do you have so many like you can't you don't you can't even give me a number it's that many yeah there's a lot that's literally your answer right I know like I don't even that's what I would tell everybody is like go find that you're you're lucky that you've done the work to cultivate that list of people but it's like but I don't use it well fuck it's hard I don't want to tell people I'm struggling I want I want to tell people I don't even want to talk to you at all yeah like I just I don't want to at all but then you know it's the only thing that works right yeah it is the only thing that fucking works
Speaker 1it is and that's what I think I'm just missing right now well I I thought I could do without I literally thought I could do this by myself I'm like no you're wrong again Emily you and everyone else you and everyone else me too yeah and like my addiction like you know how many always say that cliche um like it's doing push-ups in the parking lot oh she was working out she was strong jacked as fuck she is jacked as fuck she knocked on that fucking door and like knew she was coming kicked it right through and I'm like welcome come on in like this is it's so funny to like because like talking about it like it's I like I see like I think it's like funny I can laugh at it and everything but like it's still like fuck that's why they like think addict humor can not be funny but I think it is if uh I mean I've cried a
Speaker 2lot I can either today in my life I can either cry or laugh I'd rather laugh I've cried a lot
Speaker 1yeah I'm sure you have oh my god both at the same time so many times um but like I said I'm grateful today I'm grateful that I woke up today I'm grateful that I chose life I'm grateful that I chose to walk my dog this morning and I'm grateful that I chose to walk my dog this morning and I'm grateful that I chose to walk my dog this morning and I'm grateful that I chose to walk my dog this morning and I'm grateful that I chose to walk my dog this morning and I'm grateful that I chose to walk my dog this morning and I'm grateful that I chose to walk my dog this morning and I'm grateful that I chose to walk my dog this morning and I'm grateful that I chose to walk my dog this morning eat go to work be a good employee because I'm actually doing pretty well at this job like they're offering me a lot of other stuff that's like it's exciting exciting stuff so this is the life that I've been wanting forever and if I look back at this like if I look at hold on when I was like maybe like 23 24 and they think like oh my god Emily you work for this and you do this and you do that like holy shit we're doing great so like I'm living a good life I love
Speaker 2this life without drugs that's what it goes down I'm so fucking happy you came down me too I'm happy that you got honest and vulnerable and I was always taught the best share is an honest one
Speaker 1yeah well you have to be because like I'm if I keep lying to myself about it that's how I'll die and I keep using death as a thing but it's just the way like I just know I buried a lot of people in 10 years I've been doing this yeah a lot it's so hard and yeah I think about so many people that you know I've lost because of this and you think it'll never happen to you it will like it will and I remember I had somebody like this was a while ago when I was first like using and it was fun then he's like I don't believe in overdose I'm like oh me neither womp womp here we are like this is why I'm laughing because it's funny because this is like I got it yeah like you said laugh or cry I'm laughing right now because I'm here and I know like even just talking about my life and what I'm doing right now yes the pins in the podcast for sure I still have it it's still going to be something that I'm gonna keep going with like at least the Instagram of it but I have like dance now and dance was something that I gave up like when I was 18 because of like a lot of traumatic events with like my dance teacher and then now I have it back and it's like the best thing that's ever happened to me because even like I have a show coming up and I have a solo and it's dedicated for my mom and every time I do that solo even if it's shitty even if I felt not strong in it like I know I'm like oh my god I could never do this if I was like still in my addiction you know and even though I'm like technically not really out yet I'm talking about it and like I'm grateful for it and I can still grab it like I can get there and I'll guarantee you this there's gonna
Speaker 2be a day when somebody is gonna come to you going through the exact same fucking thing you're going through right now yeah and you'll be able to guide them through yeah it's happened to me you yeah right where you're like oh yeah it wasn't for nothing yeah now I can help this person go through it who doesn't I'm working with a guy right now he's it's crazy how similar we were our past like all the things we do he he trusts and confides in me because it was the same exact situation like the identification was there right so my point is whatever anyone's going through in addiction those specific things are important to talk about because there's one person out there that when they hear that specific thing isolation um I know hole in your nose like these specific things were like I didn't know any anyone else did that to themselves yeah fuck I'm not alone yeah I'll listen to her yeah that's gonna happen right and I think it has during my podcast but right now yeah I I mean with the relapse thing too yeah like as this updates it's like yeah now you know what it feels like to chronically relapse I've been there yeah I never thought I would get there either I never thought I'd get there again
Speaker 1yeah that's a thing never thought I'd get there again and um but you know here we are but like it takes work like once I have just one thing that's off like it's and I keep that thing off and I keep you know slacking off on it like you say you always like drag your feet to like go places and like your heart and your feet are never in the same place my head and my feet yeah yeah sorry your head and your feet and yeah my head's one way but like I keep my feet there because it's easier it's comfortable it's comfortable but now I just I have like I say like there are so many options there's so much I have that fucking heavy ass cell phone I have options and I keep saying that I think it's because of that um that song there's that what's the fuck his name Jack Harlow no no no no he's like a country singer Whitcomb or something but he's like I got options dude and it's about like it's about recovery oh because he's like is it still a relapse if it's just a drink that's what he starts off with and I think I'm like oh is it um yeah it is but even like before it's like when I didn't think because alcoholism was actually something I never thought I I was one of those yeah I was I was one of those girls it's like straight addiction straight addict you know don't fuck with me and it's like oh no like there's a
Speaker 2alcohol will put me right back into that place I have an abnormal reaction I break out in cocaine yeah and meth yeah other things yeah um that's great I mean I'm so happy you came down me too
Speaker 1this is good it's good seeing you too it's it's good connecting because that's what we need and yeah I just like to let your listeners know that like this is obviously it's not the end but it's up to you you know if you want to fight fight but just know there is a beautiful life there and I see it now it's like even just talking about you know how I felt like I had to do the rest of my baggy sober looking at myself crying I don't want to do it and I still did it like it's that's the power of it so being here was a big step like I said I didn't want to let my addiction win today I don't think it did no I don't
Speaker 2think it did and tomorrow you do the same thing the exact same thing but 24 hours at a time
Speaker 1sometimes 15 minutes at a time yeah seconds I can hate that shit too and it's oh gosh I I'm not trying to roll my eyes because like it's it's what it's I don't want to say it but yeah it's like the recovery meetings that we go to that just keep you know putting stuff in our head and I'm not trying to say that's wrong because it isn't I think I was I'm just in this place where I'm like heard it before I've heard it so many times I know what's wrong with me I get it I know now it's just about me and myself and just getting through it one step after another yeah
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