I'm Wade. I'm Bald.

Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractible, this episode. White and Wade gets a razor, swerves internet stalking, and forces terrible choices. Barnstorming Bob dishes his haircut disaster, then chooses ointments, legacy, and health. Megalomaniac Mark claims pro-Paragon status, prepares to take 4K to the nth degree, comes hard, and slurps peen piddle. From desaturated Yoda to remorseless roasting, yes, it's time for I'm Wade, I'm Bored. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted, and enjoy the show. Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Distractible. I'm your host. Wade. What's that? Didn't Wade just host not too long ago? We're so back. I think it's a new season. I don't know how that works. But I'm in this seat, and I'm going to stay in this seat. Usually, whether I'm hosting or not, I'm in the same seat. But you know what I mean. Joined as always by my co-hosts and not current hosts. Mark and Bob, hey guys. I'm not entirely certain you ever leave that seat. I don't think you have to tell people that's where you'll be. I think everyone can find you there 24-7. That's what I want people to think and know. I don't know why. But Wade, you seem. Particularly desaturated today. Are you depressed? You're just graying out as a person. Well, we're recording this a little earlier than usual. And I was in bed, like, asleep. And I was just like. It was one of those moments where I kind of woke up and was like, Hey, look at my phone. Bob, 10 minutes ago. You guys want to record? Oh! You know, got up and got ready real quick. I was like, yeah, let's do it. Yeah, wait, what time is it over there for you? That's not important. Okay. I was up to, like, 3.30 in the morning playing Pal World. So, like. I was up till 2.30. And I've been up for five and a half hours, so. Yeah, but you chose to sign your life away by becoming a parent. I'm supposed to be able to sleep. I chose the sleep life. That wasn't even it. I had to go to the doctor. Well, you're just making bad life choices. I tell my doctor I'm not free till after two. I do have a toddler, so I have to be back home at some point early if possible. I think I win the sleepy point this episode. I'm pretty sure. I'm the most sleep-deprived of you two. Running from the law has its prices, and I'm paying for it day by day. Jesus Christ, it's Jason Bourne. My life of crime and my empire of wrongdoing will come crumbling down around me as soon as they catch me, which they won't. Welcome to the most perfect-ister crime. Me stealing this episode away is how it starts. As long as I get points for being able to host it, I guess. I definitely didn't forget I was supposed to be writing points on a pad. I'm scrambling to get that ready real quick. Sam, saturate Wade. He does look pretty desatched. Pick a better color for Wade, Sam. Hue, shift him 137 degrees. Bump lightness 1.2. Make me Yoda. He's done that before. He probably has a preset. Yeah, let's assume Sam has a preset for everything and isn't crying in a corner every time we ask him to do something. Sam, make me plaid. How many bits can we do to torture Sam all at once? I'm a Guam. Send Wade to Guam. Blow Mark up. Now that we've spent six hours editing that part, we're going to do the rest of the episode. My hair has never looked more frazzled. Are you seeing this? Look how much frizzies I have. The light behind is definitely adding some frazz. It's just a glow of a man who's succeeding in his goal of evading the law. I'm not winning the handsome point today. I just got to throw that right out there. I've only been saying I need a haircut for three weeks, so I'm getting close to actually doing it. I got Molly got me like a new foil shaver, so I've been like shaving my head every day, every other day to keep the smooth bald. But the other day I was like, oh, let me trim the beard up and everything. Just go crazy. And then I thought I was on a two. I must have been on like a 0.5 for the beard. I did one line. Of course, I picked like right in the middle. I was like, oh, God, there's no hair left. But there's a little just the gray blends so well with my skin. It looks like there's no hair. It's nice. I like it. Honestly, it does look good. You have a strong jaw with it that short. Yeah, definitely better than. One of the super beard I had going on. I do like I want to shave the beard entirely, but Molly won't let me. So one day I'm going to do it anyway. I used to cut my hair, my own hair in college. And there was one night I used to just do buzz cuts. So it's really easy. And I was like shaving it in the evening. And I had the thing and I put the blade guard on and I reached behind my head and it fell off. But it like fell into the towel that was around me. So I didn't hear it do anything. And I just went right up the back middle of my head. And there was a solid half hour. I was just sitting in the bathroom. Like, do I have to? I guess I have no, no, I can just, it's fine. No, I have to wait. I did not shave my head, but I had a huge fucking line in my hair for a long time. Oh, folly. I had known how to do anything other than all same length, awful haircut. Well, I have great news guys. I've got the biggest news, maybe the best news. I am finally being recognized. As the Paragon of Sponsoredom that I am. No, you guys aren't invited. I've been invited out to GoPro headquarters to be personally handed an iOS. Wow. What's that Sam? Make this seem like a big deal, bigger, bigger deal. I actually don't know. I assume they're a West coast company. Are they close to you? Or is this like a flight away kind of deal? No, it's, it's like an hour and a half. Drive there. They're kind of towards San Diego. They, they also have an office up in San Francisco, but they have another one. I'm being invited down to the, by the time people listen to this, it hasn't happened yet. So for the first time, you know, it's like, so you're saying it still couldn't. No, no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying like, it's just a couple of days later after the episode, it'll definitely happen. They, they can't possibly ignore me any further. That wouldn't be hilarious. You should, you show up and it's like a, an empty office building. And they're like, he went, he didn't even check where we. Told him I forget which movie it was like when Joe Pesci's a made man, he's walking in. They're like, oh, we're gonna have this big party for you. Walks in and it's like empty. Then they whack him. It is like an hour and a half away. And I was like, no, don't worry. I'll drive. I'll drive guys. Some random place in between LA and San Diego. Yeah. Just go on up. We'll meet you there. We'll be right in. Yeah. Yeah. Abandoned mine shaft. Okay. All right. Yeah. Cool. Must be some great stuff. You can film down there. I'm headed down. You walk in. There's just like a little note in the middle of the room. You walk up, you unfold it and just says, leave us alone. Oh God, no, but it's real. And I'm definitely going to get that. And when I do, it'll be super cool. I'll be very excited. I mean, that is pretty sick that the mission pro has been really fun to use for all the stuff I film, but don't post on the internet. Cause it's mostly of my toddler. I'm excited to see what you do. Oh, I have so many lenses already for it. Ready to go. I'm just. I'm loaded to the teeth with them. I just, I can't wait to take some of the most incredible 4k 240 footage of my life. It's going to be. Oh my. My pen's not working. So I'm trying really hard to write points, but God, is it not. Also check this out. I got the mic on my ring. Bro. Same. Monitor. I'm sorry. God. You're like, if Thanos was a content creator. It's fine. It just, it just moved. It's definitely not cracked. I get, I get all of the, the, the branded mics. I got like GoPro DJI. Yeah. Yeah. It's just 360, but finally 128 bit audio. My content is inevitable. That's all I got. I won't tell you why I'm here, where I am. You don't get to know. Wade and I learned long ago that Mark is where he is when we find him. And we are not allowed to know why or how, or even where a lot of the time. Now you can tell that that curtain behind you is Martian cotton. And they only have that in, I think Santa Fe, New Mexico, which means that that's where you must be. Oh. Wow. Rainbolt. I don't think Wade knows what that is. I'm rain. Rain man's son. Rainbolt. That's actually rain man's dog. Come here. Rainbolt. Who do you guess? Rainbolt is. Well, my first thought was rain man. My second thoughts, Usain bolts. There's a lot of context clues that can really point you right at the answer on this one. I'm not going to lie. You can tell me. I'd happy to know, but I'll forget in two minutes. You know what GeoGuessr is? Yeah. He's good at that. He's good at that. He's good at that. He's good at that. Is he fast? Like rain. Or like a guy with the last name bolt who is also fast. I think I figured it out. Actually. I just remember he's not the guy that finds people from their obscure hotel references. That's someone else on Tik Tok and I don't know if they do that anymore. I remember when he was just deducing where that one, where that one girl was staying a lot. Then they had a love, a internet love trust thing that felt honestly a lot like stalking to me because he would just reply to her videos and be like, you're in Lisbon in this hotel. I'll be there tonight. I'm glad I dodged this era of internet. Sounds uncomfortable. Honestly, it was pretty, I think it was pretty cool. It was pretty consensual. She, the, the woman who was, was like, find me as a whole thing. Oh, okay. Yeah. That's a lot different than what I was imagining based on the presentation. Even with her inviting him to do it. I always thought that came across as pretty weird. There's weirder things out there. I'm sure. Wade, get ready with your episode. Get ready for weird part five. Everybody. This is weird. This is weird. This is weird. This is weird. This is weird. This is weird. This is weird. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I hate you guys. Ruined an episode that hadn't even happened yet. We engaged with it. We were engaging. I was so, yeah, we were so weird. You gotta, you gotta recognize it weird. You gotta recognize it weird. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. man it was like core day at the gym i was engaged you either get weird or you get bread pick one what about weird bread croissants am i right fuck are those hold on hold on now you're cooking i got no i got no idea hold on this episode it's called weird bread dude fucking croissants though marcus right worm ass twisty things do you guys look at this is this is not the episode but do you guys like sandwiches on croissants i preferred normal bread i feel like yeah it's got either a hole in the middle where the you know it tries to circle up hard or it's long and football shaped and it's or banana shaped and it's weird like i want to go with the croissant because i'm like oh fancy and then i eat it i'm like this is just a worse sandwich it's also too light it's not structurally integral enough the thing for me is it's so messy too like it's physically impossible to eat a croissant sandwich without shrapnel just be like i'm already a messy person i don't need extra shit all over me when i eat a crumbly ass sandwich god we're so busy midwestern i love it is that a is that a midwest thing that not prefer croissants on for your sandwich i don't it just seems like it i feel like that's the kind of thing i say someone's like oh you're so midwestern so like i feel like i'm just trained to believe that whenever i have a food take like that it's just me being midwestern i think you're just supposed to eat the croissant as a croissant i think you're just supposed to enjoy it the croissants are good just the croissant sandwich i feel like it's overrated my only small talk is that my foot is fucked and i i have to take a doctor's note for um the thing that we're going to talk about at the end of the episode where i was going to give one a few points one of you still gets points um but i i'm not supposed to stand up at all anymore so it was really hard to do baking per se do you want to save those points for when you host or do you want to assign them because it's the next episode and you have your answer you know i did promise you i'd give them in the very next episode but saving them for when i host it makes more sense no give getting i'll give give give to me i was like i'm not going to say who they're for but they're for mark and i want to give them to you i'm not going to say who they're for but they're for mark and i want to give them to you to win well look wade you're the host and you said you don't care right no you can do whatever you want with them they're your points man well tall mark they're his points at the end of the episode that just means he didn't play the pokemon games correctly because i know those would win we'll see so in our my episode here i've got i've got some fun would you rather questions awesome we're gonna do some would you rathers there's a trick i can smell it well i think would you rathers are kind of a trick right because you've got to pick one of two options i feel like there's always a correct answer and i know what it is bob you're on my left so heads is bob tails is mark he's left heads this is this is the thing hey that's me he got he he flipped for left guys sam put me on the left oh what an idiot did i get it no all right wow but man you're certainly over there you see a disrespect sam like that damn he's had a pretty easy episode we've not asked much of him yet about time he did some work after he slaved over a hot explosion just for you oh thank god he's got a normal long week to edit this episode sam swap wade's eyes whoa watch this yeah shake your head back and forth a lot while he's doing that whoa sam keep up look with da vinci's tracking nowadays it's gonna be no problem he's got this he's got it i believe in you sam i can tell we're all three a different type of tired because we're amused by the dumbest shit right now we're like pick on sam no that's the smartest shit that's not dumb guys come on sam put this in the beginning if at any point either of the competitors guess the game of what's going on and that's that there's two good options than a normal one two bad options than the nonsensical if they if they figure that out at any point they automatically win all right bob you were first here let me go okay would you rather have a mouthwash that makes your breath amazing and teeth permanently clean or a skin cream that makes your skin nice smooth and moisturized and also quickly heals cuts and bruises this one feels targeted not intentionally this was the first one to propose who went first but it does there's an objective correct answer to this one i don't know if it's a good answer i don't know if it's a good answer this one for me please give me the magic skin cream so i can take this shit off my leg that's fair honestly i'd appreciate both of those but in my current situation and the fact that i am diabetic a skin cream that keeps my skin perfectly healthy including all on my legs and feet and everything and heals cuts and whatnot would be like a fucking miracle drug i would do anything to get and have that because that's like one of my biggest concerns in life i know a lot of diabetic people who have lost feet or legs because shit just happens and if you don't take care of yourself it can just happen out of nowhere and i like my legs i don't like my feet that much but i'd rather keep them than not makes sense yeah i like that one wasn't targeted but it kind of felt like it i understand your sentiment i feel attacked uh mark would you rather lose an arm or lose a leg no way you're laughing there's multiple reasons why you could be laughing i'm trying to figure out how it's an insult to me it's not an insult to you it's just funny mark things are allowed to be funny without being insults i have to remember to step into the mind of wade for this because we got to pick the ones he's agreeing with that's how we get points and him no like his knees right now him knee hurt him him knee hurt him bad him no want knee right now him no need jump him sit so but him need both hand play game earn money career need a both hand so i would rather lose a leg because also you can get a prosthetic one and it's gonna be even better than a normal one you can get one of those blades and jump super high we should just lose our legs intentionally so we just have prosthetic legs i think couldn't stub our toes anymore oh my god no foot cuts i feel like losing an arm means losing you know half my dexterity um and playing video games especially for a career and doing pretty much anything on a computer both hands is helpful it's not necessary there's plenty of people to get by without it but i've learned so much to do things two-handed it would be tough you're considered prepared for something if your arm didn't ready and whenever you're about to perform people tell you to break a leg so it's kind of like we've already been preparing ourselves to get rid of our legs yeah he definitely has already picked with the correct answers bob would you rather be rich and forgotten or poor and remembered this feels like a trap this feels like another one where these aren't even close to me and i know exactly which one i would pick with almost no thought whatsoever but that feels like a trap what would wade want i'm wade i'm wade i have no hair except on my face i'm wade and on my neck i'm wade i love myself i make myself laugh all i want to do is make myself laugh and be remembered i don't care if i have things people need to talk about me for the rest of eternity i want songs sung with my name in them and they have to specify that it's me so they know which wade it is i know what i would pick but i think wade would rather be remembered was that what you're picking that's the game right what mark decided that's the game so i'm just playing the game here i've not said either way but you guys are welcome to assume whatever you want i'm pretty sure we would want to be remembered comrade it's fun for me okay mark would you rather have all toes or all fingers as in i lose your feet have fingers and your hands have fingers or your feet have toes and your hands have toes oh oh oh oh i get it all right i'm wade i get up in the morning well not really it's the afternoon ah you're right you almost he almost fell for that trap i reach for the blanket with my what oh what do i need to grab this blanket get it off me grab my ipad can't play an ipad with your toes no need fingers need fingers i flip upside down grab the ceiling with my finger toes clutch tightly crawl upside down out my bedroom window uh say hello to molly go let the dogs out why is she outside the window walk vertically up my wall house wall outside also my dogs have fingers for toes i'm gonna go with the fingers i think you're right i think one of the things wade hates most in the world is stubbing his toes that's awful dude i've got i've still got two like purple or black toenails from the stubs you should maybe check out that that's going on a while you're probably right sam sam bass boost what he just said wait no i mean nah bass boost no that's right that's what i meant i meant like raise the pitch originally but bass boosting is a different technique it's gonna blow everyone's eardrums out bob would you rather drown 10 puppies or drown 10 kittens i'm wade i have one cat and two dogs that means i like dogs twice as much as i like cats plus they're not my cats gators will be fine puppies will be fine whoever's dogs these are it's not my fault the universe is making me do it and by dogs i mean cats wade would want to drown cats i love we've found the secret strategy to this game of making wade do the horrible thing i did come up with the props so i guess i have to own that right i think we're i think we're winning the game right now mark i think we're basically tied because we're both winning so hard we figured it out you guys are doing just fine that's probably good would you rather mark ensure that all pets get to live happy lives or all kids get to live happy lives or happy childhoods of I'm sorry. Happy childhood. The rest of their lives is indeterminate. Yeah. The idea of this one is like a similar length of time, you know, childhood slash the life of a pet. Does it imply that the opposite lives terrible lives or just the normal average number of good? Okay. I'm Wade thinking about animals. I'm Wade concerned about the well-being of all the children in the world. I'm Wade. I'm a good person. I'm a Wade. I'm conflicted. I think about the animals. Some animals don't deserve good lives. Some animals are evil. Are some kids evil? Wade debates. Maybe. Maybe some kids are born evil. Maybe some kids don't deserve happiness. Maybe some animals don't deserve happiness. Do mosquitoes deserve to have a good life? That might be bad. Are some kids equivalent to mosquitoes? What is one evil kid equivalent to how many happy mosquitoes? What is one evil kid? You never know how much evil one kid. You ever read Fly Island? What the fuck is it called? Lord of the Flies. I'm talking about Lord of the Flies. You ever read the fly? I mean, Fly Island? You ever unzip your fly? You ever fly on a plane? No, that's not it. Yeah, I think the concept of too many happy animals is not as good as we might think it is. There could be some animals that we don't want to be happy for the sake of everything. I think that's too wide a net. Pets. This is pets specifically, not just all animals. Oh, fuck me. Any animal can be a pet. That's true, but these are animals that are owned. All right, I'm still going to stick. I don't want to go through that whole thing, and I'm going to go through the happy kids. I fucking love, you know how they have like the kids translation of the Bible, where it's like the Bible, but written in hello, my fellow youths type language of the idea that there's a book. Fly Island, a kid's translation of Lord of the Flies. What would a kid think a conch is by name? A conch? I don't even know what a conch is, man. Actually, I do from that SpongeBob episode. There's really no forgetting it after that. I'm pretty sure that's just called a swoopy clam. Bob, would you rather be lit on fire or given $10 million? To be given $10 million or to like I would be given $10 million? Yeah. I'm Wade. I'm Wade. It's 4 p.m. on a Thursday. I've just woken up. I lay in bed for four hours. That's great. I'm playing Raid Shadow Legends on my iPad. With my foot fingers. I'm Wade. My knee hurts. I'm Wade. My shoulder hurts. I'm Wade. I'm not going to do anything about either of those. I'm Wade. I'm Wade. How did this turn into an episode of Roasting Me? Do I want to be lit on fire? Ooh. Molly would probably want me to do that outside. Ooh. I'm Wade. I guess I have to take $10 million. I'll take the hit on this one, guys. Man, a lot of thinking into that one. I didn't think that choice was particularly difficult, but you know, you thought it through. All right. Mark, back to you. Would you rather have your dream job or never get your college degree? It's really funny that that one landed on you. That was not targeted either, but there it is. But, you know, I'm Wade. The last sun setting rays hits my eyes. I awake. I rise from my bed, grab the ceiling with all 20 of my fingers. I wave to my one happy pet and my one unhappy pet. I hear the children. Children's laughter outside, and I think to myself, do I go to this last college class I have and pass this final that I certainly will, or cool job? See, the funny thing is you graduated and got a cool job, so that's. Well, the prompt is you get your dream job or you never get your college degree. Oh, wait. So if you get your dream job, you have to get your college degree? No, you just never can. But if you never get your college degree, you also never get your dream job. Whoa, Mark, I don't know if we understand the rules of this game as well as we thought we did. You get your dream job or you never get your college degree. I'm Wade. I've presented the problem to myself slightly incorrectly, methinks. Me, me, I'm not sure which way go up and down. No, this is exactly how it's supposed to read. I'll take the dream job, but I feel like I'm walking into traps. That seems like a good choice. Multiple traps are opening for me. Chasms. Yearn and yawn, open and call my name. I love a yawning chasm. Best kind of chasm there is. All right, Bob, would you rather make sure all of the hungry are fed or all of the homeless are housed? I'm Wade. It's 1030 p.m. Almost time to start getting up. In my dreams, I've discovered. We're getting closer to normal day eventually. I discover a way to achieve two separate and unrelated, but actually pretty related things. But they're just unrelated enough. That I can only actually do one of them. What do I care about most? I'm Wade. I like to eat food. I'm Wade. I like to be in a house. I'm Wade. I think Wade would rather live on the street and have all the food he could ever want to eat. I think Wade would feed people. All right, feed the hungry. Mark, would you rather be a doctor who fails every surgery or a serial killer who always succeeds? I'm Wade. The clock strikes. The clock strikes 12 chimes. In my pitch black room, I don't know if that's a.m. or p.m. I don't risk it. I sleep until I hear another 12. Then I rise, eat some food, play some iPad, Dokkan, battle something or other, DBZ, Pokemon. Love that shit. Think about being a doctor. I'm honored you guys remember so much of my four hobbies I've ever had. Awesome. My knees hurt. My shoulders hurt. Never. Never. I'll never deal with that. Never. I think about being a doctor. I think about being a serial killer. I could kill people that way. I'm Wade. I love killing people. I just gotta decide which path I choose. I could probably get away with killing more people if I be secretive about it. If I'm a doctor and I save my bloodlust on my patients, surely they will stop me. I could always fall back on being a serial killer after that. Serial killer. Because I want to be good at my job and I want to be remembered. I'm Wade. I'm Wade. I'm Wade. I'm Wade. Yeah, but you probably wouldn't. I've got boxes to open. I don't have time to pick my target. Bob, would you rather have wet socks or the feeling of a small pebble in your shoe? Do you have the feeling of a small pebble in your shoe, even if not wearing shoe? We're with the idea of yes. The idea is these are equally happening. So you always feel like you have the wet socks on. You always feel like the pebble sensation. So are your socks actually wet? Let's just say, yes, your socks are always wet. Or yes, there's always a pebble stuck to the bottom of your foot that you feel every time you step. I'm Wade. Hi. I feel like it has to be pebble in shoe. It has to be. Wet socks is too destructive. You've got to be careful what you step on. You've got to be careful what you feet on. Shoes are going to all get moldy and gross. You're going to have problems. Plus, if you have to always have wet socks on, that means you can't wear sandals. Also, that means you have to wear socks in the. In the pool. Which sounds kind of unpleasant. It's got to be the pebble. It's not like you walk that much anyway. I'm Wade. I sit in my chair. Who cares if I have a pebble on my foot? Damn. You figured it out. Does the pebble get to be on the same side as your fucked up knee? Because then you can just hobble on one leg and call it good. Well, this isn't about me. Believe it or not, you guys have kind of inferred that. It's clearly about you. People have been saying your name the whole time. If it was me, sure. It could be either foot or both. I guess if you have wet socks, I guess the pebble's on both feet. You never get a pebble on both feet. Don't be ridiculous. Mark, would you rather know the date of your death or the cause of your death? I am Wadathoth, the blind idiot god slumbering eternally in a higher plane of existence. Pray I still sleep lest I wake and unravel reality by its mere fabrics. Just like Icarus, I snoozed too close to the sun. Uh, time, I guess. Because what if the. What if the reason's boring? What if, what if, why I. What if why is horribly boring? I guess it's just like, would you rather dread. Like, if you know your cause of death, would you forever dread doing something tangential to what could be that cause? Or would you be horrified approaching the date of your death, I guess? I don't know. No, no, time's good. Time's good. I feel like this has come up in a previous conversation, but it's like, time makes sense. The date thing has, but not compared to the cause, I think. Yeah. Date makes a lot of sense just because then I. Then I would know how much time I got left. I can work with that. That's, that can be motivational. And then I start a ticking clock and I'd have a spiraling black and white, you know, spiral behind me at all times. All right. Bob, would you rather take food from children or the homeless? We both. Wade likes food. Can I, is both an answer? Can I take food from both? yeah i would take food from anybody it would be easier to take from homeless person might really need that meal they might really fight for it i don't really want to fight kids don't know kids wouldn't fight back i'd be like hey i'm an adult see how i'm bald that's an adult thing give me your food they just do it because kids are stupid wade would definitely take food from kids see this is the first one i disagree because if you think about it homeless people are predominantly adults they need more food per body weight you would get more food wade would want more he can get more from homeless people than he would children i like how we just assume the homeless have a lot of food no but they need more you know they need more so you know more calories kids kids are hungry around the world too you might not you know there's a solution to that more kids that's a i don't know if that's a positive that's positive thinking that's how you get it's an easy solution that's how you get more food are the is this food magically zapping out of the people's hands and going into your mouth i guess i was sort of envisioning it like wade could teleport and he's just the guy who shows up as you're about to eat and steals your food out from in front of you so like it's just a known phenomenon around the whole world there's just this guy who's just like yoink and he's gone and everyone's like oh it happened again more no would you rather be a renowned chef or a renowned musician i'm wade chef is a lot of stress i don't like stress could be in a highly competitive you know kitchen environment all these other restaurants that i gotta deal with hard to make content about that's that'd be too much work for me if you're a world-renowned chef you're still worried about making content of course i'm wade you know always grind every day bro you know you're never gonna stop making content a musician has the potential to be a little easier than chef and this is successful right this is a successful yeah you're successful renowned like yeah you you're at the top of either one i think musician has a higher pay gap you know you're gonna get the ladies if that matters to wade which it does nice i don't know is wade still married in this scenario does it matter in this scenario hey he's away a musician bob would you rather burn down an orphanage or watch 10 kids get a new puppy i'm mark i'm mark i'm mark mark i'm wade i'm wade wade likes fire wadey likey the fire what was the other option i got completely consumed by the fire burn down a something or something burn down an orphanage or watch 10 kids each get a new puppy who's got time for that do i get to sit while i'm watching the kids you aren't what you aren't babysitting you just see them receiving a new puppy i'll watch them get puppies i guess as long as i don't have to participate or anything if there's some super clever way to look at these questions and how some of them have too bad or a bad choice i'm too tired to detect it man i'm too tired i could i couldn't possibly deduce your your game is too smart you're too genius you're two steps ahead of me i don't know i don't know i don't know if i can do it i don't know if i can do it at all turns and i there's no way that i can compete ever what a smile look at that smile sam make his smile go for days that's what we see all the time everybody that's what we see all the time okay oh god sam's not doing that anymore that's just waved oh oh oh god my mouth uh mark would you rather eat delicious food for the rest of your life at your leisure not always just stuff in your face but at your leisure you know when you want or die of dehydration you're not gonna die of dehydration trying to deduce the secret behind this the truth underneath the layers eat delicious food whenever i want or literally die literally die a desiccated husk liquid removed from my body yes yeah because it seems like the food would be the natural conclusion and it seems like the desiccated corpse that would be me wade would be the natural conclusion and it seems like the desiccated corpse that would be me wade would be the natural conclusion and it seems like the desiccated corpse that would be me wade would be the natural conclusion and it seems like the desiccated corpse would be the natural conclusion and it seems like the desiccated corpse would be the bad end to my story would be the bad end to my story would be the bad end to my story career as a musician food bob i think there's a career as a musician food bob i think there's a career as a musician food bob i think there's a secret i'm not detecting it i secret i'm not detecting it i secret i'm not detecting it i definitely have it figured out what is definitely have it figured out what is definitely have it figured out what is it oh i don't want to tell in case mark it oh i don't want to tell in case mark it oh i don't want to tell in case mark doesn't know i'm i think i'm winning bob doesn't know i'm i think i'm winning bob doesn't know i'm i think i'm winning bob would you rather end all terminal would you rather end all terminal would you rather end all terminal illnesses or prevent all future wars all illnesses or prevent all future wars all illnesses or prevent all future wars all future wars on any planet in the future wars on any planet in the future wars on any planet in the universe or all terminal illnesses on universe or all terminal illnesses on universe or all terminal illnesses on all planets in the universe sure both is all planets in the universe sure both is all planets in the universe sure both is both an option no both an option no both an option no but it's a lovely thought ah it's gotta but it's a lovely thought ah it's gotta but it's a lovely thought ah it's gotta be terminal illnesses i guess nobody be terminal illnesses i guess nobody be terminal illnesses i guess nobody nobody do any big wars make it a choice nobody do any big wars make it a choice nobody do any big wars make it a choice all these healthy people are going to be all these healthy people are going to be all these healthy people are going to be fighting wade's making a choice wade's fighting wade's making a choice wade's fighting wade's making a choice wade's doing it oh that's right that's me doing it oh that's right that's me doing it oh that's right that's me mark yes would you rather drink a mark yes would you rather drink a mark yes would you rather drink a friend's pee while your friend watches friend's pee while your friend watches friend's pee while your friend watches or eat your own but nobody will or eat your own but nobody will or eat your own but nobody will know know know well well well wady love pp wady love pp wady love pp but wady also love poo-poo what wady but wady also love poo-poo what wady but wady also love poo-poo what wady gonna do gonna do gonna do i guess i guess i guess no one will know no but you will but no one will know no but you will but no one will know no but you will but just you i pick the p i pick the p i just you i pick the p i pick the p i just you i pick the p i pick the p i don't ever do that i pray that i never don't ever do that i pray that i never don't ever do that i pray that i never have to face that challenge that have to face that challenge that have to face that challenge that particular challenge i fear a fear for my particular challenge i fear a fear for my particular challenge i fear a fear for my future if that is on the horizon bob future if that is on the horizon bob future if that is on the horizon bob would you rather know something from the would you rather know something from the would you rather know something from the future for future for future for some pain in your present or forget some pain in your present or forget some pain in your present or forget something good from your past for some something good from your past for some something good from your past for some present boon present boon present boon do you either suffer a little to know do you either suffer a little to know do you either suffer a little to know something that's coming or you get something that's coming or you get something that's coming or you get something good for forgetting something something good for forgetting something something good for forgetting something good from your past i have no influence good from your past i have no influence over what i forget and what i get to know over what i forget and what i get to know over what i forget and what i get to know no i would have to know a thing in the no i would have to know a thing in the no i would have to know a thing in the future i would need it i mean i feel future i would need it i mean i feel future i would need it i mean i feel like that's the right choice you could like that's the right choice you could like that's the right choice you could glean a lot from even a little bit of a glean a lot from even a little bit of a glean a lot from even a little bit of a nugget of information of the future nugget of information of the future nugget of information of the future mark would you rather poop and feel like mark would you rather poop and feel like mark would you rather poop and feel like it's happening in reverse or swallow and it's happening in reverse or swallow and it's happening in reverse or swallow and feel like it's happening in reverse feel like it's happening in reverse feel like it's happening in reverse trying to trying to imagine what an trying to trying to imagine what an trying to trying to imagine what an inverse poop feels like inverse poop feels like inverse poop feels like poofing i guess poofing i guess poofing i guess does that help you imagine it no it does that help you imagine it no it does that help you imagine it no it doesn't actually it doesn't and this is doesn't actually it doesn't and this is doesn't actually it doesn't and this is just once or is this always we'll say just once or is this always we'll say just once or is this always we'll say it's every once in a while oh it's still it's every once in a while oh it's still it's every once in a while oh it's still it still actually goes out right it it still actually goes out right it it still actually goes out right it doesn't yeah and you're still actually doesn't yeah and you're still actually doesn't yeah and you're still actually swallowing you just have the sensation swallowing you just have the sensation swallowing you just have the sensation of i guess vomiting i feel like if it's of i guess vomiting i feel like if it's of i guess vomiting i feel like if it's just the feeling of a just the feeling of a just the feeling of a of a reverse poop that's not that bad of a reverse poop that's not that bad of a reverse poop that's not that bad right but in if it feels like vomiting right but in if it feels like vomiting right but in if it feels like vomiting for an inverse swallow that's for an inverse swallow that's for an inverse swallow that's that's not good i don't like i don't like that's not good i don't like i don't like that's not good i don't like i don't like vomiting okay reverse poop is this a vomiting okay reverse poop is this a vomiting okay reverse poop is this a trick you'd tell me if it was a trick trick you'd tell me if it was a trick trick you'd tell me if it was a trick right it's just a question so would you right it's just a question so would you right it's just a question so would you rather question man all right i'll take rather question man all right i'll take rather question man all right i'll take the i'll take the poop oh the i'll take the poop oh the i'll take the poop oh oh no i fell into his trap i activated oh no i fell into his trap i activated oh no i fell into his trap i activated his trap card all right bob would you his trap card all right bob would you his trap card all right bob would you rather swap the location of your mouth rather swap the location of your mouth rather swap the location of your mouth and penis or your nose in your butthole and penis or your nose in your butthole and penis or your nose in your butthole whoa whoa whoa i mean uh there's really only one right i mean uh there's really only one right i mean uh there's really only one right answer answer answer right oh yeah we're both thinking the same right oh yeah we're both thinking the same right oh yeah we're both thinking the same answer there's definitely an answer answer there's definitely an answer answer there's definitely an answer wade would pick yeah and this is right wade would pick yeah and this is right wade would pick yeah and this is right with the right one is with the right one is with the right one is nose and butthole nose and butthole nose and butthole okay i think you reacted positively to okay i think you reacted positively to okay i think you reacted positively to that i'm gonna take that as a yes that i'm gonna take that as a yes that i'm gonna take that as a yes i am not sure how the mouth penis i am not sure how the mouth penis i am not sure how the mouth penis exchange works because how do you eat exchange works because how do you eat exchange works because how do you eat how long is this curse afflicting you how long is this curse afflicting you for forever oh i made the right choice i for forever oh i made the right choice i for forever oh i made the right choice i made the right choice made the right choice made the right choice yeah because i'm not sure i'm not sure yeah because i'm not sure i'm not sure yeah because i'm not sure i'm not sure eating is a is a is a particularly eating is a is a is a particularly eating is a is a is a particularly because it's not like the food would go because it's not like the food would go because it's not like the food would go still in your crotch mouth right it still in your crotch mouth right it still in your crotch mouth right it would it's not going to magically would it's not going to magically would it's not going to magically teleport into your esophagus it's you You gotta shove it in the pee hole, right? I was assuming you would still eat with your mouth, but I guess you can assume whichever because that's not clear. If you want to eat through your dick hole, you can. No, that wasn't the point I was trying to make. I don't want to do that. I don't want to. That's weird, but I get it. No, I don't want to. It wasn't even my would you rather. It was Bob's. I want to point out that was all about Bob. That was Bob's choice. Are you ready for your question? Mark, would you rather snuggle one giant dog or snuggle ten small puppies? How giant is giant? Are we talking Clifford? Like Clifford. Oh, yeah. I pick Clifford. That'd be so crazy. I mean, it'd be scary, but also like, oh, come on. I mean, I've been kicked in the balls by Chica a lot, so one kick from Clifford to my nuts and I am atomized on the spot. Thanos snapped me out of existence. Crotch first, but the snuggling would be great. I mean, puppies are really cute, but like getting to snuggle into like a giant warm dog does sound lovely. All right, Bob, would you rather have to eat the flesh off of your own leg or see the people you love succeed in life? What was the first one? Have to eat the flesh of your own leg? Okay, that's what I thought you said. It's a tough one. Really got a lot of back and forth going along inside. I've seen a lot of angles. I guess I'd have to go with see all my loved ones succeed in life. I guess that's a really close call. This guy, this guy. Come on, man. Rookie mistake, buddy. Rookie mistake. Mark, would you rather be able to speak and understand any language or constantly re-break every bone in your body? Ooh, you know, that's a lot of languages. pressure oh i got so many bones how many languages could there possibly be at least one i'll pick the languages okay that's fine we got through a pretty good amount of things um any final thoughts before i go into points i yearn for the comfort of sleep i'm weird mark you got points for uh you're a big deal now with gopro you chose to lose a leg have all fingers make happy kids i think someone your dream job uh be a serial killer choose the know the date of your death be a renowned musician too bad oh oh okay i'll read that one in a minute uh delicious food pee while your friend watches reverse poop snuggle a giant dog and no languages and then i wrote down a point for two bad options oh bob you got a point for swoopy clam a lot you've had a long day you used to cut your own hair you chose skin cream you said remember us comrade which i don't remember what that's in reference to you chose to drown cats or kittens you would take 10 million dollars you would feed the hungry you'd have a pebble in your shoe you'd take food from kids you'd watch 10 kids get puppies you'd end terminal illnesses uh you would rather know something from the future for a present pain you'd swap your nose in your butthole and you'd see your loved ones succeed sure sure i got one point for being so smart sounds right to me smart guy mark you have 15 bob you have 15 we're currently tied well i've got one so 15 15 to one so we're not tied there's one very clear loser is it me uh we'll see after the wheels spin i'm gonna throw out there um there was a way to instantly win this episode and you both got very close to it a couple of times bob you said something i think like halfway through mark when you said sometimes there's two bad options the game was i had good options where they were both good bad options where they were both bad okay ones that made you think and then completely nonsensical ones where there was a very obvious answer and i kept rotating you guys i started mark with bad then went to okay then good bob you were good okay then bad and then you both had nonsensical at the same time and then i would restart the process if any of you guessed the game at any point you just won and you both started to touch on it at different times and i was like and then you didn't i was like all right we'll just keep going that makes sense i see i see i see so that was the secret game that i thought you guys could have won i was like i think it was like 28 minutes in one of you said something i was like elaborate you want to say more and bob at one point i think i even was like do you want to guess the game bob and you're like no no i'll keep it a secret it's like all right you did say that yeah mark you said two bad options and i was like and then you're like oh never mind never mind i was like okay so there were a couple times where i really thought you guys were gonna do it damn shame we spin this first right so you spend this one we'll see how many spins we get we sure do i was like what do i add to the wheel four that doesn't seem right three my lord oh good an even number for a tie game interesting i like that i like that also i'm not forgetting that i was gonna decide the points thing at the i realized that uh i'm competing against mark so i'll save that for when i'm the host oh come on you promised you promised i did promise but my promises mean nothing unfair shit what do i have to flip oh god that means we have to flip okay well if it's unfair bob has to give out points now i have i have the tiny magnet for gopro it's got one side says gopro and it's pretty flat and even so that'll be my cord if it's doubly fair then what bob gets to i get to give out extra points points no it's it's never made doubly wait no sorry if it's unfair he has to change it yeah double uh double fair means i never get a point from bob ever again or just from this i assume he means from this yes let's make bob's episodes really boring if we just know wade wins which one's heads unfair doubly fair what is that this would be the heads the one with the label on it and because tails is empty so i think wade and i both got tails yeah that's nothing then all right fine that's good because i still didn't know which one was which all right what do you want to add wade most recent haircut gets a point is that already on here probably not i don't think so but there are a lot of them most recent haircut and we get two spins come on spin number one most distracted you guys are both pretty locked in today i have no other tabs open for the first time in ages i was like the most focused so yeah i don't either i didn't like look anything up today or anything just re-spin it we'll call it re-spin because i don't i don't think either of you seem distracted oh most small talk that was definitely me yeah bob i don't even think he had much small talk i didn't really get a chance to do small talk you're like uh mine's all over well i thought you did but yeah there's got to be a point for bob here surprise golf rules does that mean i win or no well no no you guys so that means no but you have a point you have a point you're on the board you're one over par and mark and i are way over you know what i'll take it damn we haven't had golf rules in a long time damn do you guys want to give a quick together loser speech uh some time time of i don't feel very good about it mark how do you feel about it you feel bad i feel uh bad uh this is the worst outcome i am gonna go cry into my pillow and then probably sleep but you know mostly crying yeah i don't feel good about it either i didn't see that coming i thought uh we we played the game we played the game pretty well even though we didn't figure pretty well even though we didn't figure pretty well even though we didn't figure it out at all uh and i thought it was a it out at all uh and i thought it was a it out at all uh and i thought it was a great fight and then just just swooped great fight and then just just swooped great fight and then just just swooped out from under both of us so you do i out from under both of us so you do i out from under both of us so you do i mean congrats to the weight though or mean congrats to the weight though or mean congrats to the weight though or something congrats congratulations you something congrats congratulations you something congrats congratulations you both did well you played along the very both did well you played along the very both did well you played along the very baseline rules of the game you came baseline rules of the game you came baseline rules of the game you came close to figuring it out but you didn't close to figuring it out but you didn't close to figuring it out but you didn't and karma you both decided instead of and karma you both decided instead of and karma you both decided instead of taking responsibility for your choices taking responsibility for your choices taking responsibility for your choices putting me in there making me make those putting me in there making me make those putting me in there making me make those choices for you and because i was the choices for you and because i was the choices for you and because i was the bigger man and made all of the choices bigger man and made all of the choices bigger man and made all of the choices on your behalves according to the way you on your behalves according to the way you on your behalves according to the way you guys played i deserve this and i will host again you thought two out of three was pretty good how about wade hosting three out of four see in the next one if you haven't already check out these guys mark a markiplier bob at my skirt me at million seven seven lord main seven seven seven there's merch distractible dot shop i think keep an eye on that that'll be stuff watch distractible i'm promoting that on distractible why because we don't promote it enough so make us promoted elsewhere sam thanks for being a good sport doing all those edits or none of them see you in the next one until then podcast out