I'm Wade. I'm Bald.

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There's turkey, and then there's the Friar's Deep Fried Turkey Breast. New from Boar's Head. Deliciously golden fried on the outside. Perfectly seasoned all the way through. Bursting with savory flavor. Juicy. Okay, I need to stop. My mouth is watering. This isn't just any turkey. It's a taste that'll take you back. A taste born from a backyard tradition. I'm talking fold-out chairs on the lawn, neighbors catching a whiff, and popping their heads off. Kids being told to stand back. That feeling of the first slice being carved. And now you don't need a backyard fryer. You can get that same golden juicy seasoned to perfection taste at the deli with the Friar's Deep Fried Turkey Breast. Discover the craftsmanship behind every bite at your local Boar's Head Deli. Boar's Head. Committed to craft since 1905. Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome. To Destructible, this episode. White and Wade gets a razor, swerves internet stalking, and forces terrible choices. Barnstorming Bob dishes his haircut disaster, then chooses ointments, legacy, and health. Megalomaniac Mark claims pro-Paragon status, prepares to take 4K to the nth degree, comes hard, and slurps peen piddle. From desaturated Yoda, to remorseless roasting. Yes! It's time for I'm Wade. I'm bored. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Destructible. I'm your host, Wade. What's that? Didn't Wade just host not too long ago? We're so back. I think it's a new show. It's a new season. I don't know how that works. But I'm in this seat, and I'm going to stay in this seat. Usually, whether I'm hosting or not, I'm in the same seat. But you know what I mean. Jordan is always one of my co-hosts and not current hosts. Mark and Bob, hey, guys. I'm not entirely certain you ever leave that seat. I don't think you have to tell people that's where you'll be. I think everyone can find you there 24-7. That's what I want people to think and know. I don't know why, but, Wade, you seem particularly desaturated today. Are you depressed? You're just graying out as a person. Well, we're recording this a little earlier than usual, and I was in bed, like, asleep. And I was just like, it was one of those moments where I kind of woke up and was like, look at my phone. Bob, 10 minutes ago. You guys want to record? Oh! You know, got up and got ready real quick. I was like, yeah, let's do it. Yeah, wait, what time is it over there for you? That's not important. Okay. I was up till, like, 3.30 in the morning playing Pal World, so, like. I was up till 2.30, and I've been up for five and a half hours, so. Yeah, but you chose to sign your life away by becoming a parent. I'm supposed to be able to sleep. I chose the sleep life. That wasn't even it. I had to go to the doctor. Well, you're just making bad life choices. I tell my doctor I'm not free till after 2. I do have a toddler, so I have to be back home at some point early if possible. I think I win the sleepy point this episode. I'm pretty sure. I'm the most sleep-deprived of you two. Running from the law has its prices, and I'm paying for it day by day. Jesus Christ, it's Jason Bourne. My life of crime and my empire, wrongdoing will come grumbling down around me as soon as they catch me, which they won't. Welcome to the most perfect-ister crime. Me stealing this episode away is how it starts. As long as I get points for being able to host it, I guess. I definitely didn't forget I was supposed to be writing points on a pad. I'm scrambling to get that ready real quick. Sam, saturate Wade. He does look pretty desatched. Pick a better color for Wade, Sam. Hue, shift him 137 degrees. Bump lightness 1.2. Make me Yoda. He's done that before. He probably has a preset. Yeah, let's assume Sam has a preset for everything and isn't crying in a corner every time we ask him to do something. Sam, make me plaid. How many bits can we do to torture Sam all at once? I'm in Guam. Send Wade to Guam. Blow Mark up. Mate, oh. Now that we've spent six hours editing that part, we're going to do the rest of it. That's the episode. My hair has never looked more frazzled. Are you seeing this? Look how much frizzies I have. The light behind is definitely adding some, some frazz. It's just a glow of a man who's succeeding in his goal of evading the law. I'm not winning the handsome point today. I just got to throw that right out there. I've only been saying I need a haircut for three weeks, so I'm getting close to actually doing it. I got, Molly got me like a new foil shaver. So I've been like shaving my head every day, every other day to keep the smooth bald. But the other day I was like, oh, let me trim the. Beard up and everything. Just go crazy. And then I thought I was on a two. I must've been on like on a 0.5 for the beard. Cause I, I, I did one line. Of course I picked like right in the middle. I was like, oh God, there's no hair left. But there's a little, just the gray blends so well with my skin. It looks like there's no hair. It's nice. I like it. Honestly, it does look good. You have a strong jaw with it that short. Yeah, definitely better than, uh, the super beard I had going on. I do like, I want to shave the beard entirely, but Molly won't let me. So one day I'm going to do it anyway. I used to cut my hair. My own hair in college. And there was one night I used to just do buzz cuts. So it's really easy. And I was like shaving it in the evening and I took, I had the thing and I put the blade guard on and I reached behind my head and it fell off, but it like fell into the towel that was around me. So I didn't hear it do anything. And I just went right up the back middle of my head. And there was a solid half hour where I was just sitting in the bathroom. Like, do I have to, I guess I have no, no, I can just, it's fine. I have to wait. I did not shave my head, but I had a huge fucking line in my hair for a long time. Oh, folly. I had known how to do anything other than all same length, awful haircut. Well, I have great news guys. I've got the biggest news. Maybe the best news. I am finally being recognized as the paragon of sponsor edom that I am. No, you guys aren't invited. I've been invited. I've been invited out to GoPro headquarters to be personally handed on iOS. Wow. What's that? Sam, make this seem like a big deal. Bigger, bigger deal. I actually don't know. I assume they're a West coast company. Are they close to you or is this like a flight away kind of deal? No, it's, it's like an hour and a half drive there. They're kind of towards San Diego. They also have an office up in San Francisco, but they have another one. I'm being invited down to the, by the time people listen to this, they're going to be It hasn't happened yet. So for the first time, you know, it's like, so you're saying it still couldn't. No, no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying like, it's a couple of days later after the episode, it'll definitely happen. They can't possibly ignore me any further. That wouldn't be hilarious. You show up and it's like a, an empty office building. And they're like, he went, he didn't even check where we told him. I forget which movie it was. It's like when Joe Pesci's a made man, he's walking in. They're like, oh, we're going to have this big party for you. He walks in and he's like empty. Then they whack him. Man. It is like an hour and a half away. And I was like, no, don't worry. I'll drive. I'll drive guys. Some random place in between LA and San Diego. Yeah. Just go on up. We'll meet you there. We'll be right in. Yeah. Yeah. Abandoned mineshaft. Okay. All right. Yeah. Cool. Must be some great stuff. You can film down there. I'm headed down. You walk in. There's just like a little note in the middle of the room. You walk up, you unfold it and just says, leave us alone. No, but it's real and I'm definitely going to get that. And when I do, it'll be super cool. I'll be very excited. I mean, that is pretty sick that the mission pro has been really fun to use for all the stuff I film, but don't post on the internet because it's mostly of my toddler. I'm excited to see what you do. Oh, I have so many lenses already for it. Ready to go. I'm just, I'm loaded to the teeth with them. I just, I can't wait to take some of the most incredible 4k 240 footage of my life. It's going to be amazing. The pen's not working, so I'm trying really hard to write points, but God, is it not? Also, check this out. I got the mic on my ring. Bro, same. Monitor. I'm sorry. God, you're like, if Thanos was a content creator, it's fine. It just, it just moved. It's definitely not correct. I get, I get all of the, the, the branded mics. I got like GoPro DJI. It's just for 60. Finally, 128 bit audio. My content is inevitable. That's all I got. I won't tell you. I won't tell you. I won't tell you. I don't know why I'm here or where I am. to know. Wade and I learned long ago that Mark is where he is when we find him, and we are not allowed to know why or how or even where a lot of the time. Now, you can tell that that curtain behind you is Martian cotton, and they only have that in, I think, Santa Fe, New Mexico, which means that that's where you must be. Oh, wow. Rainbolt? I don't think Wade knows what that is. I'm Rainman's son, Rainbolt. That's actually Rainman's dog. Come here, Rainbolt. Who do you guess Rainbolt is? Well, my first thought was Rainman. My second thought's Usain Bolt. There's a lot of context clues that can really point you right at the answer on this one. I'm not going to lie. You can tell me. I'd be happy to know, but I'll forget in two minutes. You know what GeoGuessr is? Yeah. He's good at that. Is he fast? Like rain. Or like a guy with the last name Bolt, who is also. So fast. I think I figured it out. Actually, I just remember he's not the guy that finds people from their obscure hotel references. That's someone else on TikTok, and I don't know if they do that anymore. I remember when he was just deducing where that one girl was staying a lot. Then they had an internet love tryst thing that felt honestly a lot like stalking to me, because he would just reply to her videos and be like, you're in Lisbon in this hotel. I'll be there tonight. I'm glad I dodged this era of internet. Sounds uncomfortable, honestly. I think it was pretty cool. It was pretty consensual. The woman who was like, find me. It was a whole thing. Oh, okay. Yeah. That's a lot different than what I was imagining based on the presentation. Even with her inviting him to do it, I always thought that came across as pretty weird. There's weirder things out there, I'm sure. Wade, get ready with your episode. Get ready for weird part five, everybody. I hate you guys. Rude episode. I didn't even happen yet. We engaged with it. We were engaging. I was so. Yeah, we were so. Weird. You got to recognize a weird man. It was like core day at the gym. I was engaged. You either get weird or you get bread. Pick one. What about weird bread? Croissants, am I right? What are those? Hold on. Hold on. Now you're cooking. I got a new idea. Hold on. This episode is called Weird Bread. Dude, fucking croissants though. Marcus Wright. Worm ass, twisty things. Do you guys. Look, this is not the episode, but do you guys like sandwiches on croissants? I prefer normal bread, I feel like. Yeah, it's. They're a hole in the middle where the, you know, it tries to circle up hard or it's long and football shaped and it's. Or banana shaped and it's weird. Like, I want to go with the croissant because I'm like, oh, fancy. And then I eat it. I'm like, this is just a worse sandwich. It's also too light. It's not structurally integral enough. The thing for me is it's so messy too. Like, it's physically impossible to eat a croissant sandwich without shrapnel. Just be like, I'm already a messy person. I don't need extra shit all over me when I eat a crumbly ass sandwich. You're so Midwestern and I love it. Is that a Midwest thing to not prefer croissants for your sandwich? I don't know. It just seems like it. I feel like that's the kind of thing I say. Someone's like, oh, you're so Midwestern. So, like, I feel like I'm just trained to believe that whenever I have a food take like that, it's just me being Midwestern. I think you're just supposed to eat the croissant as a croissant. I think you're just supposed to enjoy it. Croissants are good. Just the croissant sandwich, I feel like, is overrated. My only small talk is that my foot is fucked and I have to take a doctor's note for the thing. We're going to talk about at the end of the episode where I was going to give one a few points. One of you still gets points, but I'm not supposed to stand up at all anymore. So it was really hard to do baking per se. Do you want to save those points for when you host or do you want to assign them because it's the next episode and you have your answer? You know, I did promise you I'd give them in the very next episode, but saving them for when I host, it makes more sense. No, give. No, give, give, give to me. Bob's like, I'm not going to say who they're for, but they're for Mark. I want to win. Well, look, Wade, you're the host and you said you don't care, right? No, you can do whatever you want with them. They're your points, man. Well, I'll tell Mark they're his points at the end of the episode. That just means he didn't play the Pokemon games correctly because I know those would win. We'll see. So in my episode here, I've got some fun. Would you rather questions? We're going to some. Would you rather there's a trick? I can smell it. Well, I think would you rather is a kind of a trick, right? Because you've got to pick one of two options. I feel like there's always a correct answer and I know what it is. Bob, you're on my left. So heads is Bob, tails is Mark. He's left heads. This is this is the thing. Hey, that's me. He got he flipped for left guys. Sam put me on the left. Oh, what an idiot. Oh, play. Did I get it? No. But man, you're certainly over there. You see a disrespect Sam like that. Damn. He's had a pretty easy episode. We've not asked much of him yet about time. He did some work after he slaved over a hot explosion just for you. Thank God. He's got a normal long week to edit this episode. Sam swap Wade's eyes. Whoa, what's this? Shake your head back and forth a lot while he's doing that. Whoa, Sam, keep up. Look, with DaVinci's tracking nowadays, it's going to be no problem. He's got this. He's got it. I believe in you, Sam. I can tell we're all three a different type of tired because we're amused by the dumbest shit right now. We're like, pick on Sam. No, that's the smartest shit. That's not dumb, guys. Come on, Sam, put this in the beginning. If at any point either of the competitors guess the game of what's going on. And that's the thing. There's two good options than a normal one, two bad options than a nonsensical. If they figure that out at any point, they automatically win. All right, Bob, you were first here. Let me go. Okay. Would you rather have a mouthwash that makes your breath amazing and teeth permanently clean or a skin cream that makes your skin nice, smooth and moisturized and also quickly heals cuts and bruises? This one feels targeted. Not intentionally. This was the first one to go. So who went first? But it does. There's an objective. Correct answer to this one for me. Please give me the magic skin cream so I can take this shit off my leg. That's fair. Honestly, I'd appreciate both of those. But in my current situation and the fact that I am diabetic, a skin cream that keeps my skin perfectly healthy, including all on my legs and feet and everything and heals cuts and whatnot would be like a fucking miracle drug. I would do anything to get and have that because that's one of my biggest concerns in life. I know a lot of diabetic people who have lost feet or legs because shit. It just happens. And if you don't take care of yourself, it can just happen out of nowhere. And I like my legs. I don't like my feet that much, but I'd rather keep them than not. Makes sense. Yeah. I like that one wasn't targeted, but it kind of felt like it. I understand your sentiment. I feel attacked. Mark, would you rather lose an arm or lose a leg? Why are you laughing? There's multiple reasons why you could be laughing. I'm trying to figure out how it's an insult to me. It's not an insult to you. It's just funny, Mark. Things are allowed to be funny without being insults. I have to remember. I have to step into the mind of Wade for this because we got to pick the ones he's agreeing with. That's how we get points. And him no like his knees right now. Him knee hurt him. Him knee hurt him bad. Him no want knee right now. Him no need jump. Him sit. So, but him need both hand play game, earn money, career need of both hand. So, I would rather lose a leg. Because also, you can get a prosthetic one. And it's going to be even. Better than a normal one. You can get one of those blades and jump super high. We should just lose our legs intentionally. So, we just have prosthetic legs, I think. Couldn't stub our toes anymore. Oh, my God. No foot cuts. I feel like losing an arm means losing, you know, half my dexterity and playing video games, especially for a career, doing pretty much anything on a computer. Both hands is helpful. It's not necessary. There's plenty of people that get by without it, but I've learned so much to do things two handed. It would be tough. You're considered prepared for. Something if you're armed and ready. And whenever you're about to perform, people tell you to break a leg. So, it's kind of like we've already been preparing ourselves to get rid of our legs. Yeah, he definitely has already picked with the correct answers. Bob, would you rather be rich and forgotten or poor and remembered? This feels like a trap. This feels like another one where these aren't even close to me and I know exactly which one I would pick with almost no thought whatsoever. But that feels like a trap. What would Wade want? I'm Wade. I'm Wade. I have no hair except on my face. I'm Wade. And on my back, I'm Wade. I love myself. I make myself laugh. All I want to do is make myself laugh and be remembered. I don't care if I have things. People need to talk about me for the rest of eternity. I want songs sung with my name in them and they have to specify that it's me so they know which Wade it is. I know what I would pick, but I think Wade would rather be remembered. Was that what you're picking? That's the game, right? What Mark decided, that's the game. So, I'm just playing the game here. I've not said that. I've said either way, but you guys are welcome to assume whatever you want. I'm pretty sure we would want to be remembered, comrade. This is fun for me. Okay, Mark. Would you rather have all toes or all fingers? As in I lose? Your feet have fingers and your hands have fingers or your feet have toes and your hands have toes? Oh, oh, oh, oh. I get it. All right. I'm Wade. I get up in the morning. Well, not really. It's the afternoon. Ah, you're right. You almost, you almost fell for that trap. I reach for the blanket with my what? Oh, what do I need to grab this blanket? it get it off me grab my ipad can't play an ipad with your toes no need fingers need fingers i flip upside down grab the ceiling with my finger toes clutch tightly crawl upside down out my bedroom window uh say hello to molly go let the dogs out why is she outside the window walk vertically up my house wall outside also my dogs have fingers for toes i'm gonna go with the fingers i think you're right i think one of the things wade hates most in the world is stubbing his toes it's awful dude i've got i've still got two like purple or black toenails from the stubs you should maybe check out that that's going on a while you're probably right sam sam bass boost what he just said wait no i mean not bass boost it no that's right that's what i meant i meant like raise the pitch originally but bass boosting is a different technique it's gonna blow everyone's eardrums out bob would you rather drown 10 puppies or drown 10 kittens i'm wade i have one cat and two dogs that means i like dogs twice as much as i like cats plus they're not my cats gators will be fine puppies will be fine whoever's dogs these are it's not my fault the universe is making me do it and by dogs i mean cats wade would want to drown cats i love we've found the secret strategy to this game of making cats drown 10 puppies making wade do the horrible thing i did come up with the props so i guess i have to own that right i think we're i think we're winning the game right now mark i think we're basically tied because we're both winning so hard we figured it out you guys are doing just fine that's probably good would you rather mark ensure that all pets get to live happy lives or all kids get to live happy lives or happy childhoods i'm sorry happy child that's the rest of their lives is indeterminate yeah the idea of this one is like a similar length of time you know childhood slash the life of a pet does it imply that the opposite lives terrible lives or just the normal average number of good okay i'm wade thinking about animals i'm wade concerned about the well-being of all the children in the world i'm wade i'm a good person i'm a wade i'm conflicted i think about the animals some animals don't deserve good lives some animals are evil are some kids evil wade debates maybe maybe some kids are born evil maybe some kids don't deserve happiness maybe some animals don't deserve happiness do mosquitoes deserve to have a good life that might be bad are some kids equivalent to mosquitoes what is one evil kid equivalent to how many happy mosquitoes what is one evil kid you never know how much evil one kid you ever read fly fly island the is it called lord of the flies lord of the flies you ever read the fly i mean fly island you ever unzip your fly you ever fly on a plane no that's not it yeah i think i think the the concept of too many happy animals is not as good as we might think it is there could be some animals that we don't want to be happy for the sake of everything that's too wide a net pets this is this is pets specifically not just all animals oh me any any animal can be a pet i mean that's true but these are animals that are owned all right i'm still gonna stick i don't want to go through that whole thing and i'm gonna go with the happy kids i love you know how they have like the kids translation of the bible where it's like the bible but written in hello my fellow youths type language of the idea that there's a book that's like fly island a kid's translation of lord of the flies what would what would a kid think a conch is by would name a conch i don't even know what a conch is man actually i do from that spongebob episode there's really no forgetting it after that i'm pretty sure that's just called a swoopy clam bob would you rather be lit on fire or given 10 million dollars to be given 10 million dollars or two like i would be given 10 million dollars i'm wade i'm wade it's 4 p.m on a thursday i've just woken up i lay in bed for four hours playing raid shadow legends on my ipad with my foot fingers i'm wade i'm wade my knee hurts i'm wade my shoulder hurts i'm wade i'm not gonna do anything about either of those i'm wade i'm wade how did this turn into an upset of roasting me do i want to be lit on fire oh molly would probably want me to do that outside i guess i have to take 10 million dollars i'll take the hit on this one guys man a lot of thinking into that one i didn't think that choice was particularly difficult but you know you thought it through all right mark back to you would you rather have your dream job or never get your college degree it's really funny that that loan landed on you that was not targeted either but there it is i but you know i'm wade the last sun setting rays hits my eyes i awake i rise from my bed grab the ceiling with all 20 of my fingers i wave to my one happy pet and my one unhappy pet i hear the children's laughter outside and i think to myself do i go to this last college class i have and pass this final that i certainly will or cool job see the funny thing is you graduated and got a cool job so that's the prompt is you get your dream job or you never get your college degree oh wait so if you get your dream job you have to get your college degree no you just never can but if you never get your college degree you also never get your dream job whoa mark i don't know if we understand the rules of this game as well as we thought we did you get your dream job or you never get your college uh college degree i'm wade i've presented the problem to myself slightly incorrectly me thinks me me i'm not sure which way go up and down no this is exactly how it's supposed to read i'll take the dream job but i feel like i'm walking into traps that seems like a good choice multiple traps are opening before me chasms yearn and yawn open call my name i love a yawning chasm best kind of chasm there is all right bob would you rather make sure all of the hungry are fed or all of the homeless are housed i'm wade it's 10 30 p.m almost time to start getting up in my dreams i've discovered getting closer to normal day eventually i discover a way to achieve two separate and unrelated but actually pretty related things but they're just unrelated enough that i can only actually do one of them what do i care about most i'm wade i like to eat food i'm wade i like to be in a house i'm wade i think wade would rather live on the street and have all the food he could ever want to eat i think wade would feed people all right feed the hungry mark would you rather be a doctor who fails every surgery or a serial killer who always succeeds i'm wade the clock strikes 12 chimes in my pitch black room i don't know if that's a.m or p.m i don't risk it i sleep until i hear another 12. then i rise eat some food play some ipad dokkan battle something or other dbz pokemon love that think about being a doctor i'm honored you guys remember so much of my four hobbies i've ever had my knees hurt my shoulders hurt never never i'll never deal with that never i think about being a doctor i could kill people that way i think about being a serial killer i could kill people that way i'm wade i love killing people i just gotta decide which path i choose i could probably get away with killing more people if i be secretive about it if i'm a doctor and i save my blood lust on my patients surely they will stop me i could always fall back on being a serial killer after that serial killer because i want to be good in my job and i want to be remembered i think that's the right choice i think you nailed it because if you think about a doctor is a doctor a doctor is a doctor a lot of time of the week right like doctors are constantly doctoring even the most prodigious serial killers only kill sometimes you could definitely do way more damage as a doctor but everyone's watching serial killer that's pretty low-key you know you only really have to work assuming that's your job somehow once in a while when you feel like it when you get the urge it's interesting that you guys are like well if i can't be good at the thing i want to be good at i guess i'll be a serial killer and at least be good at what i do yeah have some pride man because your intent could still be good at being the doctor if you're a serial killer your intent is bad you could be dexter you could only kill the bad ones that's true i suppose but you probably wouldn't i've got boxes to open i don't have time to pick my target bob would you rather have wet socks or the feeling of a small pebble in your shoe do you have the feeling of a small pebble in your shoe even if not wearing shoe with the idea of yes the idea is these are equally happening so your others you always feel like if you have the wet socks on you always feel like the pebble sensation so are your socks actually wet let's just say yes your your socks are always wet or yes there's always a pebble stuck to the bottom of your foot that you feel every time you step i'm wade hi i feel like it has to be it has to be pebble in shoe has to be wet socks is too destructive you can't you gotta be careful what you step on you'll be prepared for what your feet on shoes are gonna all get like moldy and gross like you're gonna have problems plus if you have to always have wet socks on that means you can't wear sandals also that means you have to wear socks in the pool which sounds kind of unpleasant it's got to be the pebble it's not like you walk that much anyway i'm way and i sit in my chair who cares if i have a pebble on my foot damn you figured it out does the pebble get to be on the same side as your fucked up knee because you can just hobble on on one leg and call it good well this isn't about me believe it or not you guys have kind of inferred that but it's clearly about you we people have been saying your name the whole time if it was me sure it could be either foot or both i guess if you have wet socks i guess the pebbles on both feet you never get a pebble on both feet don't be ridiculous mark would you rather know the date of your death or the cause of your death i am way to thought the blind idiot god slumbering eternally in the higher plane of existence pray i still sleep lest i wake and unravel reality by mere fabrics just like icarus i snoozed too close to the sun uh time i guess because what if the what if the reason's boring what if what if why i what if why is horribly boring i guess it's just like would you rather dread like if you're if you know your cause of death would you forever dread doing something tangential to what could be that cause or would you be horrified approaching the date of your death i guess i don't know no no time's good time's good i feel like this has come up in a way that's not right i feel like it's not right i feel like it's not right i feel like it's not right previous conversation but it's like time makes sense the date thing has but not compared to the cause i think but yeah date date makes a lot of sense just because then i then i would know how much time i got left i can work with that that's it can be motivational and then i start ticking clock and i have a spiraling black and white you know spiral behind me at all times all right bob would you rather take food from children or the homeless wait it likes food can i guess both an answer can i take food from both yeah i would take food from anybody would be easier to take from homeless person might really need that meal they might really fight for it i don't really want to fight kids don't know kids wouldn't fight back i would just be like hey i'm an adult see how i'm bald that's an adult thing give me your food they just do it because kids are stupid wade would definitely take food from kids see this is the first one i disagree because if you think about it homeless people are predominantly adults they need more food per body weight you would get more you would get more you would get more you would get more you would get more food wade would want more he can get more from homeless people than he would children i like how we just assume the homeless have a lot of food no but they need more you know they need more so you know more calories kids kids are hungry around the world too you might not you know there's a solution to that more kids that's a i don't know if that's a positive that's positive thinking that's how you get it's an easy solution that's how you get more food are the is this food magically zapping out of the people's hands and going into your mouth i guess i was sort of envisioning it like wade could teleport and he's just the guy who shows up as you're about to eat and steals your food out from in front of you so like it's just a known phenomenon around the whole world there's just this guy who's just like yoink and he's gone and everyone's like oh it happened again more would you rather be a renowned chef or a renowned musician i'm wade chef is a lot of stress i don't like stress could be in a highly competitive you know kitchen environment all these other restaurants that i gotta deal with hard to make content about ah you know that's that'd be too much work for me i don't know if you're a world renowned chef you're still worried about making content of course i'm wade you know always grind every day bro you know you're never gonna stop making content a musician has the potential to be a little easier than chef and this is successful right this is successful yeah you're successful renown like yeah you you're at the top of either one i think musician has a higher pay gap you know you're gonna get the ladies if that matters to wade which it does nice i don't know is wade still married in this scenario does it matter in this scenario hey he's away a musician bob would you rather burn down an orphanage or watch 10 kids get a new puppy i'm mark i'm mark i'm mark mark i'm wade i'm wade wade likes fire wady likey the fire what was the other option i got completely consumed by the fire burn down a something or something burn down an orphanage or watch 10 kids each get a new puppy who's got time for that do i get to sit while i'm watching the kids you aren't you aren't babysitting you just see them receiving a new puppy i'll watch them get puppies i guess as long as i don't have to participate or anything if there's some super clever way to look at these questions and how some of them have too bad or a bad choice i'm too tired to detect it man i'm too tired i could i couldn't possibly deduce your your game is too smart you're too genius you're two steps ahead of me at all turns and i there's no way that i can do that i can compete ever what a smile look at that smile sam make his smile go for days that's what we see all the time everybody that's what we see all the time okay oh god sam's not doing that anymore that's just waved oh oh oh god my mouth uh mark would you rather eat delicious food for the rest of your life at your leisure not always just stuff in your face but at your leisure you know when you want or die of dehydration trying to deduce the secret behind this the truth underneath the layers eat delicious food whenever i want or literally die literally die a desiccated husk liquid removed from my body yes yeah because it seems like the food would be the natural conclusion and it seems like the desiccated corpse that would be me wade would be the bad end to my story career as a musician food bob i think there's a secret i'm not detecting it i definitely have it figured out what is it oh i don't want to tell in case mark doesn't know i'm i think i'm winning bob would you rather end all terminal illnesses or prevent all future wars all future wars on any planet in the universe or all terminal illnesses on all planets in the universe sure both is both an option no but it's a lovely thought ah it's gotta be terminal illnesses i guess nobody nobody do any big wars making a choice all these healthy people are gonna be fighting wade's making a choice wade's doing it oh that's right i forgot it's me mark yes would you rather drink a friend's pee while your friend watches or eat your own shit but nobody will know well wadey love pee pee but wadey also love poo poo what wadey gonna do i guess that no one will know no but you will but just you i pick the p i pick the p i don't want to ever do that i pray that i never have to face that challenge that particular challenge i fear i fear for my future if that is on the horizon bob would you rather know something from the future for some pain in your present or forget something good from your past for some present boon do you either suffer a little to know something that's coming or you get something good for forgetting something good from your past i have no influence over what i forget and what i get to know no i would have to know a thing in the future i would need it i mean i feel like that's the right choice you could glean a lot from even a little bit of nugget of information of the future mark would you rather poop and feel like it's happening in reverse or swallow and feel like it's happening in reverse trying to trying to imagine what an inverse poop feels like poofing i guess does that help you imagine it no it doesn't actually it doesn't and this is just once or is this always we'll say it's every once in a while oh it's still it still actually goes out right it doesn't yeah and you're still actually swallowing you just have the sensation of i guess vomiting i feel like if it's just the feeling of a of a reverse poop that's not that bad right but in if it feels like vomiting for an inverse swallow that's that's not good i don't like i don't like vomiting okay reverse poop is this a trick you'd tell me if it was a trick right it's just a question so would you rather question man all right i'll take the i'll take the poop oh oh no i fell into his trap i activated his trap card all right bob would you rather swap the location of your mouth and penis with your or your nose and your butthole tammy regularly hauls stuff to her kids at college that's why she shops at bj's wholesale club saving up to 25 off grocery store prices beef jerky microwave meals laundry pods even they can't screw up have you met my kids and with bj's gas she gets there for less they call me the road warrior this is your home road warrior mom home of the save join for just 20 at bjs.com slash mesquite and save 10 cents per gallon for six months open soon limited time offer new members only bj's home of the save whoa i mean there's really only one right answer right oh yeah we're both thinking the same answer there's definitely an answer wade would pick yeah and it's right with the right one is nose and butthole okay i think you reacted positively to that i'm gonna take that as a yes i am not sure how the mouth penis exchange works because how do you eat how long is this curse afflicting you for forever oh i made the right choice i made the right choice yeah because i'm not sure i'm not sure eating is a is a particularly because it's not like the food would go still in your crotch mouth right it would it's not gonna magically teleport into your esophagus it's gonna shove it in the pee hole right i was assuming you would still eat with your mouth but i guess you know you can assume whichever because that's not clear if you want to eat through your dick hole you can no that wasn't the point i was trying to make i don't want to do that i don't want to that's weird but like i get it no i don't want to i don't want to even my would you rather it was bob's i want to point out that was that was all about bob that was bob's choice are you ready for your question mark would you rather snuggle one giant dog or snuggle 10 small puppies how giant is giant are we talking clifford like clifford oh yeah i pick clifford that'd be so crazy i mean it'd be scary but also like oh come on i mean i've been kicked in the balls by chica a lot so one kick from clifford to my nuts and i am atomized on the spot thanos snapped me out of existence crotch first but the snuggling would be great i mean puppies are really cute but like getting to snuggle into like a giant warm dog does sound lovely all right bob would you rather have to eat the flesh off of your own leg or see the people you love succeed in life what was the first one have to eat the flesh of your own leg okay that's what i thought you said oh that's a tough one oh really got a lot of back and forth going along inside uh i've seen a lot of angles i guess i'd have to go with see all my loved ones succeed in life i guess that's a really close call this guy this guy come on man rookie mistake buddy rookie mistake mark would you rather be able to speak and understand any language or constantly re-break every bone in your body oh you know that's a lot of languages a lot of pressure i only got so many bones how many languages could there possibly be at least one i'll pick the languages okay that's fine we got through a pretty good amount of things um any final thoughts before i go into points i yearn for the comfort of sleep i'm weird mark you got points for uh you're a big deal now with gopro you chose to lose a leg have all fingers make happy kids i think someone your dream job uh be a serial killer you're a serial killer you're a serial killer you're a serial killer choose the know the date of your death be a renowned musician too bad oh oh okay i'll read that one in a minute uh delicious food pee while your friend watches reverse poop snuggle a giant dog and no languages and then i wrote down a point for two bad options oh bob you got a point for swoopy clam a lot you've had a long day you used to cut your own hair you chose skin cream you said you got a point for swoopy clam a lot you've had a long day you used to cut your own hair you chose skin cream you said you got a point for swoopy clam a lot you've had a long day you used to cut your own hair you said remember us comrade which i don't remember what remember us comrade which i don't remember what remember us comrade which i don't remember what that's in reference to you chose to drown that's in reference to you chose to drown that's in reference to you chose to drown cats or kittens you would take 10 million cats or kittens you would take 10 million cats or kittens you would take 10 million dollars you would feed the hungry you'd dollars you would feed the hungry you'd dollars you would feed the hungry you'd have a pebble in your shoe you'd take have a pebble in your shoe you'd take have a pebble in your shoe you'd take food from kids you'd watch 10 kids get food from kids you'd watch 10 kids get food from kids you'd watch 10 kids get puppies you'd end terminal illnesses uh puppies you'd end terminal illnesses uh puppies you'd end terminal illnesses uh mark you have 15 bob you have 15 we're mark you have 15 bob you have 15 we're mark you have 15 bob you have 15 we're currently tied well i've got one so 15 15 currently tied well i've got one so 15 15 currently tied well i've got one so 15 15 to one so we're not tied to one so we're not tied to one so we're not tied there's one very clear loser is it me there's one very clear loser is it me there's one very clear loser is it me uh we'll see after the wheel spin uh we'll see after the wheel spin uh we'll see after the wheel spin i'm gonna throw out there um there was a i'm gonna throw out there um there was a i'm gonna throw out there um there was a way to instantly win this episode and way to instantly win this episode and way to instantly win this episode and the game was i had good options where the game was i had good options where the game was i had good options where they were both good they were both good they were both good bad options where they were both bad bad options where they were both bad bad options where they were both bad okay ones that made you think and then okay ones that made you think and then okay ones that made you think and then completely nonsensical ones where there completely nonsensical ones where there completely nonsensical ones where there was a very obvious answer and i kept was a very obvious answer and i kept was a very obvious answer and i kept rotating you guys i started mark with rotating you guys i started mark with rotating you guys i started mark with bad then went to okay then good bob you bad then went to okay then good bob you you were good okay then bad and then you both had nonsensical at the same time and then i would restart the process if any of you guessed the game at any point you just won and you both started to touch on it at different times and i was like and then you didn't i was like all right we'll just keep going that makes sense i see i see i see so that was the secret game that i thought you guys could have won and i was like i think it was like 28 minutes in one of you said something i was like elaborate you want to say more and bob at one point i think i even was like do you want to guess the game pop and you're like no no i'll keep it a secret it's like all right you did say that yeah mark you said two bad options and i was like and then you're like oh never mind i was like okay so there were a couple times where i really thought you guys were gonna do it damn shame we spin this first right so you spend this one we'll see how many spins we get we sure do i was like what do i add to the wheel four that doesn't seem right three my lord ah oh good an even number for a tie game interesting i like that i like that also i'm not forgetting that i was gonna decide the points thing at the i realized that uh i'm competing against mark so i'll save that for when i'm the host oh come on you promised you promised i did promise but my promises mean nothing unfair shit what do we have to flip oh god that means we have to flip oh fucking god okay well if it's unfair bob has to give out points now i have i have the tiny magnet for gopro it's got one side says gopro and it's pretty flat and even so that'll be my cord if it's doubly fair then what bob gets to i get to give out extra points no it's it's never made doubly wait no sorry if it's unfair he has to change it yeah double uh double fair means i never get a point from bob ever again or just from this i assume he means from this yes it's gonna make bob's episodes really boring if we just know wade wins which one's heads unfair or doubly fair what is that this would be the heads the one with the label on it and because tails is empty so i think wade and i both got tails yeah that's nothing then all right fine that's good because i still didn't know which one was which all right what do you want to add wade most recent haircut gets a point is that already on here probably not i don't think so but there are a lot of them most recent haircut and we get two spins come on spin number one most distracted you guys are both pretty locked in today i have no other tabs open for the first time in ages i was like the most focused so yeah i don't either i didn't like look anything up today or anything just re-spin it we'll call it re-spin because i don't i don't think either of you seem distracted oh cool most small talk that was definitely me yeah bob i don't even think you had much small talk i didn't really get a chance to do small talk you're like oh mine's all over well i thought you did but yeah there's got to be a point for bob here surprise golf rules does that mean i win or no well no no you guys so that means no but you have a point you have a point you're on the board you're one over par mark and i are way over you know what i'll take it damn we haven't had golf rules in a long time damn do you guys want to give a quick together loser speech i don't feel very good about it mark how do you feel about it you feel bad i feel uh bad uh this is the worst outcome i am gonna go cry into my pillow and then probably sleep but you know mostly crying yeah i don't feel good about it either i didn't see that coming i thought uh we we played the game pretty well even though we didn't figure it out at all uh and i thought it was a great fight and then just just swooped out from under both of us so you do i mean congrats to the weight though or something congrats congratulations you both did well you played along the very baseline rules of the game you came close to figuring it out but you didn't and karma you both decided to instead of taking responsibility for your choices putting me in there making me make those choices for you and because i was the bigger man and made all of the choices on your behalves according to the way you guys played i deserve this and i will host again you thought two out of three was pretty good how about wade host and three out of four see you in the next one if you haven't already check out these guys mark a markiplier bob at my skirt me at million seven seven lord main seven seven there's merch distractible dot shop i think keep an eye on that that'll be stuff watch distractible i'm promoting that on distractible why because we don't promote it enough so make us promote it elsewhere sam thanks for being a good sport and doing all those edits or none of them see you in the next one until then podcast out Hank joined BJ's Wholesale Club the day he became a father of 30. I coach football. Now, Coach Hank saves up to 25% off grocery store prices. 30 pounds of pasta, 3 cases of protein bars, 75 sports drinks. And that's just pre-game. He knows teamwork, and BJ's knows savings. This is your home, Coach. Home of the Save. Join for just $20 at bjs.com slash mesquite and save 10 cents per gallon for 6 months. Open soon. Limited time offer. New members only. BJ's. Home of the Save. I wrote a little song to remind you. Choice Hotels gets you more of the experiences you value. The Cambria Hotels got it all. A rooftop bar, have a ball. Cocktails up here feel just right. It's Cambria amazing, alright. Bring a date, your team, or even your mom. See you on the roof. you