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Speaker 3I thought today I'd do an episode on getting current, so the diary of an addict alcoholic. Hey guys, welcome back to Recovering Out Loud. I'm your host, Anthony, and I'm an addict alcoholic. Getting current is important in recovery for all of us because it's very easy for me to put on a show and present a stage character in recovery and tell everybody that I'm doing fine because I have a year and a half, almost year and a half sobriety again, and I don't want you to know that I'm struggling. I don't want you to know that I'm struggling. I don't want you to know that I'm struggling. I don't want you to know that I'm struggling. I don't want you to know that I'm struggling. I don't want you to know that I'm struggling. I don't want you to know that I have any struggles. I want you to think that I am a good member of recovery that is working his program and nothing is going wrong and everything is under control and I'm tapped in and all these things, this stage character that I present to the world because I want to be perceived as this strong, independent man who has it under control and is aware of his emotions and how they affect people. And I am a principled man and I'm a good person, but it's tough. It's tough, right? To practice integrity. And to be a good person all hours of the day. We are not saints. I make mistakes all the time. So I thought that it'd be a good idea to bring to light the current scenario of my life, my current circumstances. I always say this, but I don't have problems today. I have a bad perception. I see the world through a lens based on my defects of character at the time. I see the world through my lens and my old behaviors, my old ideas, and that doesn't serve anybody. So how do I shift perspective? How do I shift perception? How do I see things more clear? How do I quiet the noise in my head so that I can pray to God and have all the defects removed so that when fear crops up, I can ask it to be removed so that when I'm quiet, my mental bandwidth, I'm able to channel this creativity from a higher power into the solution. I'm able to get a solution when I'm undisturbed in quiet. So let's get into it. I've complained a lot this year about financial insecurity. Paying the thousands of tens of thousands of dollars in debt in my relapse bill from hotels and partying. Guess what? I haven't gone hungry in this past year. I've had heat on in my house. I am not getting what I want, but here's another way to look at it. Let's shift perspective for a second. This past year, having living paycheck to paycheck has taught me such an important, valuable lesson that I can't learn from reading a book. I have to bang my head on the wall to learn these lessons in my life today, and I think a lot of you can relate. You can tell me all these quotes and listen to all these podcasts, but I have to go through it myself. Having the financial insecurity has taught me how to handle my money better, how to save money, how to budget all these things, which caused me to spin out and brought me down last time. There's clearly a glaring issue here in my life, which is I don't know how to budget. I don't know how to save money. I don't know how to not want things. I don't know how to not want to. I don't know how to, you know, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to, you know, I don't know how to, you know, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to, you know, I don't know how to, you know, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to, you know, I've swallowed some uncomfortable truths in working with a mentor and going through recovery programs and journaling and meditating every day. So what am I doing? Like I said, I'm talking to God more. I'm asking for fear to be removed a lot. Often I'm asking for self-will to be removed a lot often because I constantly, my ego wants to come in and remember ego is edging God out. My ego comes in and tells me that I can control this on my own. I can handle it on my own. You're strong enough. Willpower will get you through this. And it has not been my experience. The more I rely on a power greater than myself, the more independent I actually become. It is the great juxtaposition of recovery, the great sacrifice that, you know, when you make it. Things just start to work out, not in my time and not the way I want them to, but they always work out. And the universe God's plan is always more creative than I could have ever drawn up. I could have ever imagined. Problems get solved when sometimes I need to do nothing and accept the reality of the situation, accept life as it is and not lie to myself and tell me that resistance, right? It can't be this way. I cannot be in this financial situation. How can this happen? This resistance towards the truth, resistance towards reality, full flight from reality. That is my, one of my problems today is that I just can't accept life on life's terms. One thing that I started doing a lot was I started meditating. I downloaded an app. The app is called waking up. It costs money, but I, you can get a scholarship and get it for cheaper. I'm not sponsored by them, but I highly recommend getting some kind of guided meditation app. If you're in recovery, even if you're not in recovery, 10 minutes out of my day where I listened to a guy talk. And tell me how to observe consciousness, how to sit and just be okay with silence and notice things as they come up. And it's not me versus consciousness. I am a part of consciousness. I am a part of reality. This, the guy honking outside, that is a moment in consciousness. It is not me observing the moment from here to there. There's no subject, subject object. I can really get into the weeds with this one, but essentially it's just noticing thoughts, noticing patterns of energy in my body, noticing pressure and temperature and being in the now you want to find God. Where's God, God is now, may you find him now. That is the only place God exists. Power greater than myself exists within is now not when I'm experiencing calamity and spinning stories, projecting movies onto the world. But when I am sitting in quiet and aware, paying attention, meditation has helped me so much. I can't stress enough how important it is to my recovery. Being able to just notice when I want to get angry at somebody notice when I'm judging somebody notice when I'm not telling the truth about a situation and I'm doing that thing again and you just laugh it off. It is a beautiful, indispensable gift that one could receive. I've been speaking a lot more in recovery spaces. I've been asked to share my story and it's been going really well. I shared at a meeting last night and I had a few people come up to me and tell me about the body dysmorphia and how they can relate to not feeling like enough. And searching for outside things to change my insides. I have lost my right to chemical peace of mind, but I need to go through all the avenues first to realize that I'm beyond human aid, that there is nothing in the world that can satisfy this alcoholic addict as much as a power greater than myself. That inner resource, that, that strength, that spiritual friend, that spiritual being, the creator, whatever you want to call it. But being in touch with that is a beautiful place to be. I talk about secrets a lot as I record. This today, I have no secrets tomorrow that might change. I don't know. I need to constantly be checking myself secrets. You're only as sick as your secrets and they will take you back out because it creates a wide, immense amount of shame, guilt, remorse, bitterness, resentment towards yourself, resentment towards others. Share that shit. Get it out with people in your recovery space. Don't just go to your spaces and pretend that everything's all right. Get vulnerable. Find somebody that you can be completely 100% honest with. Make sure somebody on this earth, some human being. Being knows 100% of you, everything that's going on in your life. Make sure you disclose it with one person coming up to the end of my schooling for the first year. It's been a challenge. I used to tell myself that I'm not a school person and that wasn't doing me any service, any, anything that wasn't doing me any good telling myself that I can't be a student. I can't do this. This is too hard. Nothing good comes of that. So I've been reprogramming my thought pattern and my conversation with myself. The most important conversation you have in life is with yourself. And I've been reframing it to, yes, I am a student. I am accepting reality. I did choose to go into this program and become a counselor and help other people finish what you started. Anthony, it's a beautiful gift to be able to recognize that I feel like an imposter a lot of the time and that's okay, but I can do things. I put my mind to when I'm sober, working at the rehab has also been a blessing. Talking to new alcoholics and addicts, trying to get them into rehab, often being the first phone call for somebody that's scared and doesn't know what to do. I feel like I'm talking to myself. Every single time I speak to these people, it is truly amazing. If you can find your passion in life, something that you're good at, do it. Don't worry about the money. If I can give anyone any advice, and this is to myself as well, because I often get hung up on this, just find your joy in doing what you ought to be doing. It's there. There is something that you are good at that you can help others in and also making a living doing it. Find that thing this past year, I've also realized that I do a lot of things. A lot of this comparison thing, when I meet outside people, when I'm in the world, when I'm exposed to my environment and community and God's children, I often compare myself to people i'm either better than or less than them based on fully physical features and observations and again stories that i spin about people if you're wearing a nice watch you must be a rich asshole and that's kind of the story i tell myself in my head not helpful i've been working on that a lot noticing these thoughts arise and before i you know how can i be of service to this person if somebody wrongs me this is a sick man sick woman how can i help them service keeps me straight service keeps me accountable and it keeps me out of my own shit there's nothing better than helping another alcoholic through a difficult process i'm working with a guy right now that's on the edge he's teetering and it's it's not up to me whether he gets sober or not but when he's ready i'm here and you can be that same lighthouse for somebody else you're not telling them what to do you're sharing your experience with them hopefully they grasp some of the principles and want what you have and if you want what i have you have to do what i did i won't tell you to do anything but here's what i did here's how i achieved freedom i'm free today i'm a free man i don't have any secrets my resentments are at bay i am not constantly casting my negativity onto the world i am not a burden in anyone's life i am a principled man that is doing his best essentially today tomorrow that might change all i have is today all you have is today one thing that i noticed i do a lot this past year is isolation so finding myself being more comfortable being alone or at home with my wife then out in my community and hanging out with my friends fellowship fellowship is important because it shows you that you can be around people that want the best for you and you can enjoy life the simple pleasures in life building relationships gaining knowledge when i hang out with people that are in recovery i learn about myself they tell me their struggles and how they're getting through them their unmanageabilities and how they're dealing with it it helps me be a better man a better husband a better son a better brother going for coffee is a quick easy way to get out of this rut just finding a number in your phone that you've met over the years or over the months at recovery events meetings spaces ask them to go for coffee you won't regret it i promise you it is i always leave feeling better about myself and about my status in the world and my place in this world you are no longer alone i mentioned integrity a little bit but this is something that keeps coming up i'm constantly faced with situations where i can easily not practice my recovery program and not take the principled approach and you know skimp out on being a good person integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching it is so hard to be a principled person throughout every instance of your life you're constantly being faced with the universe will throw things at you that you need to work on there's a scientific term behind it it's a real thing you will be constantly faced with more if you need if you need to work on patience and you ask god to be more patient you will be presented with situations that will require your patience and it's you're sharpening a skill patience is such a great asset to have in recovery because i don't need to control outcomes i can just do the next right thing and let god take care of the outcome do what's in front of me leave the results up to him up to the universe it's not up to me and i don't need to have the answer all the time because again like i said in the beginning what i come up with is nowhere near as creative or imaginable i can't imagine anything that god has in store for me i just can't i'm i have finite power compared to infinite power lack of power is my dilemma today so again short one today hopefully that helped somebody if you're struggling reach out for help to somebody that you trust maybe telling them that one thing you're holding on to that secret maybe that'll it might save your life so i don't know try it maybe it'll work for you i know today that the more secrets i have the more sick i am the more closer i am to rehab and relapse again recovery is a beautiful gift to not be taken advantage of to not be taken for granted not everybody gets the privilege and opportunity to be in recovery so remember that today recovery is simple not easy
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