I'm A Survivor vs The Buffoonery Buffet vs There's A Time and A Place For That

(upbeat music) Are you planning an event? Want a quiz that's actually fun to play and written by professional quiz makers and our friend, John? Here's what you do. We create brilliant bespoke quizzes. You can get your very own versions of the rounds from the pod or something totally custom for your group. Parties, work, dues, weddings, team building days, whatever the occasion we've got you covered. Just drop us a message via the links in the description and let's make something brilliant together. (upbeat music) Hello, quickly before the podcast starts, we're moving here's what you miss to Wednesdays. So it's not gonna be Mondays anymore. So we'll just do one episode a week and alternate between here's what you do and here's what you missed. In the show, we talk about Mondays and Wednesdays but it's just Wednesdays for now so do ignore that bit. And sorry, I have quite a bad cold which has affected my voice for quite a few podcasts. Some may say it's a good thing that I wasn't as loud but sorry if you can't understand everything I say. Okay, on with the show. (upbeat music) Hello and welcome to here's what you do, the Quixote podcast that's like the generation game but all the prizes are cuddly toys. In each show, we have three brand new quizzes for you to play along with. I'm James Smales, I've developed Quixote's for TV and I'm joined by Johnny Robbins who's developed games for TV. Hello. And as ever, we're joined by our friend John, John Cantrell. Hello everyone. Each episode, we set each other a new quiz inspired by things that happened to us this week. At the end of the show, we'll each vote for our favourite and someone will win the episode or it'll be a draw. And don't forget here's what you missed our bonus show out every Monday, Johnny. What can people expect? If you like the questions you heard on this pod, then you should definitely tune in because there'll be a whole load more and of course the usual shenanigans and nonsense you would come to expect. Make sure you're subscribed and got your auto downloads on for that. First up with there, Quixote this week, it's Johnny. Life as a Quixote podcast host is fraught with danger. A wrong answer causing you to look foolish, a loose microphone cable causing technical disasters and confusing cold blooded and warm blood animals leading to mass ridicule online. There's no way anyone would do that, Johnny. But how would James and John fair when faced with some real danger? This is I'm a survivor and here's what you do. Oh, what are you gonna like really scorpions into our rooms? If you look under your desk, you'll find a seal box. Earlier today you were both injected with a highly toxic venom. It can only be done by reciting all the prime numbers between zero and 100 and recording the 35th atomic number. (laughing) Well, what you are gonna do is this, I'll give you a scenario where your life could be on the line and three ways to survive. One of these is actually recommended. The other two are made up by me. You both have seven lives, but let's see how many you have remaining at the end of the quiz as they will be your points. Let's play I'm a survivor. (upbeat music) - Scenario one, how to survive a grizzly bear attack. Would you, A, run for the closest tree or rock to gain height, use feet to aggressively kick out at the snout or eyes, or B, lie on your stomach and pretend to be dead. Stay perfectly still until the bear leaves or C. Make yourself as big as possible and wave arms while shouting, "Shoe bear." (laughing) - And specifically that phrase, "Shoe bear." The most English you could be in a grizzly bear situation. - Excuse me, "Shoe, how dare you bear?" (laughing) - I believe it's actually the composer, "Shoe bear." - Oh, yes, very good. (laughing) And Johnny, just to confirm, these are official advice on how to escape these things. - This is correct. However, if any listeners, buy themselves in these scenarios and it all goes wrong, I am having zero liability. - This isn't, here's what you do, podcast advice. - No. - It is other people saying this, that you are merely a vessel for. - Correct. - Right, on the come to you first, John, what are you going for? - I think I'll go with C, get as big as possible and then shout, "Shoe bear, shoe." (laughing) - And James, how about you, what are your thoughts? - Yeah, so I've never met a bear. There aren't any in the UK, apart from in zoos, but it is the kind of thing that you do hear about how to survive. I don't know why we get taught this, or why it's something that I know, but I'm pretty sure it's C, go big, wave and shout, "Shoe bear." - I'm afraid you've both lost a life. - Oh, what? - No way. If a grizzly bear attacks you, you lie on your stomach and pretend to be dead and you stay perfectly still until the bear leaves. - That feels counter-insuitive, isn't it? When you see a grizzly bear primed to attack, I just have a little lie down, lad. - It's attacking you, it's too late. - Oh, it's already attacking. - Yeah, it's a survivor grizzly bear attack. - It's on you. It's too late for waving your arms. - Well, hang on if it's on me, how can I make myself big? I've got a five-ton animal on top of me. I was like, "Oh, just stop biting me a second. I need to get myself nice and big." - Well, that's why it's the wrong answer. Hit the deck, pretend you're dead. - Is it so that you think you're dead? Is that the idea? It's like, "Oh, they're dead now. I don't need to attack it." - Exactly, I think you're dead and it gives up. Well, you've both lost a life. - Oh dear. - Let's move on to scenario two. How would you survive a plane crash? (crying) - What? - With difficulty. - How to survive a plane crash? - Do you a, brace for impact with head down, arms protecting your head. Use shoes to break windows and wave arms to attract attention. Do you b, brace for impact with head down, arms protecting your head, remain seated with oxygen mask attached until assistance arrives. What do you see? Brace for impact with head down, arms protecting your head, leave the aircraft immediately and move as far away as you can. - At what point during the plane crash, are we doing this? - You know the plane's gonna crash. It's imminent. What are you gonna do? - Right, so I can't wave to get attention because the plane's about to crash. Everyone's panicking. So no one's gonna help me with that. - It's hit the ground. - Oh, it's hit the ground. Well, why are we bracing? It's already hit the ground. - Are we skidding along the floor now? (laughing) - James, what are you going for? - We're bracing in all of them. It's essentially knocking out the windows with your shoes, staying where you are with an oxygen mask or waving to people. - No, or leaving the aircraft immediately and moving as far away as you can. - I'm gonna go for sea moving away from the aircraft as quickly as possible because if you've crashed there's an issue there, it may still have that issue. - John, what are your thoughts? - I think if you crashed and your first instinct was smash the windows, so it would reduce more things that might injure you into the area you're sitting in and wave at people who, if you're crashed under the desert, oh, who are you waving at? Are you popping your arm out to wave at? - I don't know, nobody, I think that's madness. Staying seated and getting oxygen feels like a risk if you've just been in a plane that's crashed and you've got loads of fuel, potential fire. So I think the most sensible thing to do is see, get the hell out of that plane as fast as you can. - Correct answer is sea. Race for impact with head down, arms protecting your head, leave the aircraft immediately and move as far away as you can because of course all that flammable liquid could go up at any minute. - Who said this? (laughing) - I assume some sort of aviation authority. - Which bit are you disagreeing with? - If you crash in the middle of the ocean and you leave the plane, it is a very good chance to just end up in the middle of the sea. Might be better to stay on the aircraft. - I would say there's a hundred percent chance you'll end up in the sea. - Yeah, I think you're in the sea. (laughing) - So you've both got a life intact, you're both still on six lives. Salario three, how to survive a shark attack? Do you, A, maintain eye contact if shark approaches, strike areas like the gills or snout. Do you, B, avoid eye contact. If the shark approaches keep arms by your side and avoid any movement, or do you, C, splash wildly to give impression of a larger predator. If shark still approaches, shout loudly. - How close is this shark, Johnny? - Is it on top of us? - It's like the barrel over again. (laughing) - It's about 10, 15 feet away. - Hard to strike it, if it's 15 feet away, isn't it? - Well, if it approaches, if you listen to the answers, Jimbo. (laughing) - It's all there. - John, I'm gonna come to you first. How are you fairing against the shark? - I think instinctively I would freeze and try not to attract attention to myself. - It's not a bare, John. (laughing) So I'm gonna say, B, avoid eye contact and keep my arms close to my side. - And James, what are your thoughts? - I don't think it's C because that makes you look like an animal that it can eat. Great white sharks are apex predators that there's nothing they're scared of really, but it's not that. And then eye contact's really interesting because their eyes are on the side of their heads, aren't they? So they'd have to be at the side to make direct eye contact with you. (laughing) - I'll take your word for that. - But no, I think you hit them, don't you? So I'm gonna say A. - Correct, you do hit them. It was answer A. I'm afraid, John, you are not surviving that. You've just lost a life. - I've been eating a life. - You're down to five lives and James, you're still on six. Well done, James, you have survived the shark encounter. - I would like to imagine Johnny in some kind of whimsy that you would have weaved this into a story and it's like the worst day of our lives. (laughing) We've just got mulled by a bear, but we just about survived. We're on the plane home. It's crashed. We've got off the plane and now we're in the water swimming around with the sharks. It's a horrible day. - And hate to see you. - It said, "It's about to get a whole lot worse." (laughing) Oh no. - "Scenario IV, how to survive a falling elevator." (laughing) - Oh wow. - "I've just got a bus this year!" (laughing) "I'm in the hospital and the elevator's falling." - "What a day." - "Do you, A, lie flat on your back to distribute impact across your body, protect your head and neck with your arms?" - "Do you, B, stand in corner of elevator where structural supports are strongest, stand with palms flat against walls and knees bent, or do you see, stand in the center of the elevator, jump in the air before a moment of impact." (laughing) - Also, I'm hoping that'd be there because that is in my head since I've been a child of imagined if it was to ever happen to me. That's what I do, but it can't be, can it? - Well, you're gonna find out. I'm happy that the James of yesterday year may be listening, he will now know how to survive. (laughing) What's your answer, James? A, B or C? I think maybe B, go in the corner and bend your knees a bit. I feel like if you're lying on your back and spreading out, there's more chance of you getting hit, whereas if you keep yourself in one place, maybe that's best. - And John? - "Feel reluctant to say stand in the corner 'cause it feels like you've been naughty and you've been, oh, I'll have to go stand in the corner. I've got the wrong elevator and I've got one. It's busted, it's falling down. I'll just go and put myself in the norsy corner. I think I wanna meet my maker on my own terms, not facing the wall, like that, jumping in the air. (laughing) No, I'm not jumping in the air. I've never understood that. How do you know when you're seconds away from impact? You can't possibly know that, you're in a steel box. - You would know 'cause it goes five, four, three, two, one. - So with the cable as snapped, you think it's still telling you the floor, you're on jokes. - Yeah, of course. - It's mocking you as you go down. - James thinks he's in the tower of terror. (laughing) - You're saying it wouldn't. What's the system that tells you the floors? Is it not automatic when you pass that floor? - I think if the elevator has failed, there's probably some sort of issue with the electric, which may or may not mean that the lights work. - You're both currently arguing for why jumping in the air is the correct answer. - No way, jumping in the air is absolutely wrong. I'm gonna go for flat on your back, answer A. Distributing your weight seems like quite a sensible thing to do. Standing up just seems like a bad idea to me. - One of you's lost a life, and you've done it as your body concertinas into itself and your knees burst through the top of your head. (laughing) - Oh dear. - James, you were incorrect. - John is right, you lie flat on your back to distribute impact across your body, protecting your head and neck with your arms. - It's essentially the same advice for on a frozen lake as to a falling lift. It's ridiculous. - Spread that weight. - And for a grizzly bear attack. - Yes. - Exactly. (laughing) - We've got three more scenarios. See how many more lives you can keep. Scenario five, how to survive a black bear attack? - Oh, come on, come off it. - Is it A, run as fast as you can downhill, making as much noise as possible, avoid bushes or undergrowth? Is it B? Fight the bear, aiming for the face and eyes. Do not try and run away. Or is it C? Hit the ground and make yourself as flat as possible. Keep hands flat on the ground. - I don't like this. I don't like what you've done here, Johnny. - How to survive a black bear attack. Oh my. - I've only just got out of these elevator crash. (laughing) I'm on my way home. - You never guess he's waiting for you. - It's a black bear there. I'm already full off a grizzly. - I've just got out of that elevator in one piece. Rather than a fireman putting his hand into the wreckage, it's a paw that comes in. He's like, oh no. - You never guess he was flying that plane. (laughing) Was it the shark? (laughing) - John, what are you going for? A, B or C? - How close to me is this bear, Johnny? Is it in my face? - It's attacking you. - You're always attacking me, but I'm not running downhill, and that's gonna be a challenge. I'm gonna go with C, same advice. Hit that ground, hope for the best. - No way. (laughing) I'm not lying down, not for no bear. I'm definitely not gonna outrun it downhill as well. That's the advice. What if you see them on a flat place? You gotta run downhill. It's like, there's nowhere to go. Quick, find some stairs. So no, I'm gonna fight it. I'm pretty sure I've heard that you've gotta fight these things. It worked for the shark. You know what they say about the brown bear? It's the great white shark of the woods. (laughing) - Well, I'll let you know a little rhyme that's gonna help you when you're next hiking. If it's brown, lie down, which refers to the grizzly and the brown bear. If it's black, fight back. - Yeah! - Which you do to the black bear. Yeah, if you lie down, I'm afraid. It's going to town. (laughing) - I mean, all sorts of trouble. - It's an all you can eat. John Cantrell Buffet. (laughing) - What's the main difference between a black and a grizzly? I presume just a color of the fur. - Pure rage by the sounds of it. - Yes, pure rage. Pure rage, I think John's right. - Of course, we've got lots of American listeners. They'll probably know that rhyme, Johnny, I would imagine if they live in an area where the bears are. - Yeah, those people listening in, you know, try back in New York will be screaming at the podcast. - Head in hands. - Yeah, well, I'm not too loud. Don't wanna alert the bears. - Tornario 6, how to survive a car sinking in water? - Oh, what? Why are we going back near the water? After all we've been through. - Oh my, well, I guess we're driving because we don't wanna fly, so we're like, we've gotta drive home. We can't fly again. - Exactly. - It would be mad to fly again. - We'll just drive over that perfectly safe, frickety bridge over that lake. (laughing) Nothing can go wrong. So, how to survive a car sinking in water? The U.A. Unbuckle your seatbelt, turn radio to highest volume, recline seat and wait for rescuers, ensure windows are not lowered or broken. Do you be, unbuckle your seatbelt and remain calm? Allow vehicle to level and pressure to equalize. Take a deep breath, you seatbelt buckle to break a window and escape once car fails, or do you see? Unbuckle your seatbelt and act quickly as electrical systems will fail in under a minute. Open or break a window and escape before car fully submerges. James, I'm gonna come to you first. Have I found yourself in this scenario? - No, it's a thing you see in films and tell you a lot, isn't it? And I think your escape should be based upon how quickly the car's submerging. If you're just sat on top of the lake and it's not really sinking for whatever reason, don't wait for it to be fully submerged. Get out then. You can't just sit and go, the advice was actually waiting until it's fully submerged. Ah, so I'm just gonna wait. It's like, no, it'll be about 20 minutes. You can just wind the window down and get out. It's like, nah, that's not the advice. (laughing) However, I think cars do go under water quite quickly. And I think the pressurising of the cabin makes more sense. So I'm gonna say B. Wait for it to be fully full and then smash the window 'cause I don't think you can do it when it's filling up. - And John, what are your thoughts? - I think if you're in a car that is submerging underwater, staying calm is probably the hardest thing you're going to do in that situation. I think breaking a window is really bad advice. That surely would just cause all the water to rush in far faster than you want. There's definitely something about allowing the pressure to equalise because then I think you can open the door of your car. I don't think you can do it before that pressure is equalised properly. So I think you're right, Jim. I think it is B. - You're both dead. - Oh, what? - Again. - We are so bad at surviving, Jim. - James, you literally talked it through in the most logical way and said, well, if the car's going down, I'd probably open that window before all the water gets in and just get out. And I was like, yeah, of course you would. And then you went, but instead, I'm going to sit there and let it sink. To where? The bottom of the ocean. (laughing) That is very true. And as I was saying it, I did think that made more sense. But I'd already written the answer down, so I went with it. - Yeah, so yeah, you want to unbuckle your seatbelt. Do not remain calm, act as quickly as possible. Open or break a window and escape before the car fully submerges. I think I baffled you guys with a bit of science by popping the word pressure and equalizing there and you both fell for it. - It was easy to baffle us, Johnny. I completely ignored the turn the radio is loud as possible because I was like, that is insane. Why would you do that? - So the rescuers are going to hear you. - What underwater? - Yeah. (laughing) - Okay, we are into the final scenario of James and John's horrific day. (laughing) - Scenario seven, the final scenario. How to survive a swarm of bees attacking? - Oh no. - We've got dragged out the lake. We've just about made it home. We're in the UK, nothing can attack us here. There's no sharks, there's no bears. - Little did we know. A swarm of bees. - Would you, A, run in a straight line removing any loose items of clothing, swing clothing around your head to disperse the swarm. Would you be? Run in a straight line to the nearest body of water, submerge body and take deep breaths when needed, wait for a minimum of 10 minutes. Or would you see, run in a straight line, covering your eyes and mouth, get inside or into a vehicle as quickly as possible. - Always a straight line, I thought there was gonna be something that was like diagonal or something else, but it's always running a straight line. - Yeah, those bees, if you're as exact in, they don't care. When I come to you first, John, what are you going to do? - I think for me, this depends on, it is a car nearer is the body of water nearer, 'cause I'm not out running those bees. That is fact number one. So if the body of water is nearer, I'd go for that. If the car was nearer, I'd go for that. Opt and more choice, let's go for body of water. Let's submerge myself and hope for the best. Answer B. - And James, how are you gonna survive the swarm? - I feel like option B is from a film. It might be from like an animated film. Is it Robin Hood or something? where there's bees attacking and he jumps in the water and gets like one of the reads out. Maybe it's not bees, maybe he's just trying to escape from something. But I'm pretty sure I've seen that. So I wondered if that's where Johnny got his inspiration from. I've gone for going inside or getting a car. Because they can't get at you then. Whereas if you're in a body of water, you have to come up for air at some point or you're breathing air through something. So I'm going to go for get inside slash get in a car because you're getting into a sealed place where they can't get inside. Well, at least one of you has lost a life. Just one of you and the person that's had the worst day here is John. What again? Oh, I think it's like a myth that you find a body of. Because the first thing's first, a body of water is going to be tricky to find wherever you are. But if you do submerge yourself, the bees just tend to hang about on top. So as soon as you pop out, they're getting you. So James, you were correct. It was option C running a straight line covering your eyes and mouth. Get inside or into a vehicle as quickly as possible. Because then I guess if a few bees do follow you in, you stop in the rest following. And you could probably deal with a handful. I've got an electric tennis racket. I'll take them all out. Can you think of the film I'm thinking of, Johnny? I think Robin Hood, the animated one I think he uses a straw. I know in my girl, McAulie Colken, spoiler alert, gets stung by bees. Should have got in that body of water, Johnny. Well, he should have got into the car. John, what you didn't know in that body of water was there is a shark there waiting for you. Oh, just my luck. I'm at the bottom of the ocean with the radio I'm very loud. There's a little tap at the window. Who's that to rescue you? It's a grizzly bear. Perfect. Cheers, grizzly. So the all-important part, how many lives have you got? So at the end of that harrowing experience, John has just two lives remaining. I've had a bad day. And James is our winner. He's just about intact with four lives. Well done, James. Just about intact. Well played, Jim. What a horrible day. That was Johnny. Next time I'm planning the trip. And that was I'm a survivor. Next up, it's James. This podcast has been developing its own language. There are certain terms that we coined in the moment and they've stuck around. Bink, whimsy verse, pens downing street or alphabet palace. And it's one of our terms that has inspired this whole quiz. This is the buffoonery buffet. And here's what you do. Yes, please. Johnny coined the term buffoonery some weeks ago when he got a bit angry at me forcing you both to do something silly in a quiz. I can't remember if it was the one where I got you to say things backwards or the one where you had to add a J to every word or where I made you make animal noises rather than say answers. I was paraphrasing Tommy Lee Jones as he famously said it or supposedly to Jim Carrier on the Batman Forever Set when he said, "I cannot sanction your buffoonery." And that's how I feel sometimes with you two. I cannot sanction your buffoonery. Credit does go to Tommy Lee Jones. And of course it came from a film. Of course it is. Why wouldn't it? But in each of those quizzes I forced the buffoonery upon you. You didn't get a choice. In the buffoonery buffet, I'm giving you back the power. Each question has three options for how you can deliver your answer. Simply select the one you want. The options are rhyme. So instead of saying your answer, use words that rhyme with each word in your answer. Swap. So swap the last letter and first letter of every word in the answer. Or nothing. Just to deliver your answer normally, I'm not forcing you to do anything. The buffoonery buffet is optional. But if you choose nothing, you only get one point. Either of the buffooner eye gets you two points per answer. The buffooner eye. Oh, the buffooner eye. That's the silly arom of the illuminati. It felt like a trap doing nothing. And so one type of buffoonery doesn't get all the limelight. You must alternate your buffoonery between them. So if the last one you did was a rhyme, you can't do another rhyme until you've done a swap. Do the rhymes have to be real words? Ideally, but I'm not going to penalise you if you can't rhyme a word with a real word. You know he's going to have an answer that involves orange. I was going to say, which member of take that? That's the first name. Let me just change question five. Let's play the buffoonery buffet. Remember at the buffoonery buffet, the choice is yours. Rhyme, swap or nothing. Question one, which amphibian has a three word name due to the fact hunters would apply their toxins to their weapons? That hasn't been any advice on how to stop this thing attacking you. Three word amphibian that's poisonous. Remember when giving your answer, you can rhyme all of the words. You can swap the first and last letters in all the words. Well, you can simply just say your answer. I've just written it out, having done what I'm going to do to it and it has made me chuckle. Okay, Johnny, I'm going to come to you first. Would you like to rhyme, swap or nothing? I'm going to rhyme. He's going for the buffoonery. Oh, go on, Johnny. I'm going for the boys and fart bog. Really lovely. And, John, are you going to rhyme? Are you going to swap or are you going to do nothing? Oh, I'm swapping. Oh, a change of tactics here. And it is the noisop tarred grof. You're both correct. Yes. Two points each there. The correct answer for anyone who didn't understand the buffoonery was the poison dart frog. Yeah. Great rhyming and great swapping. Oh, I've thoroughly enjoyed that. And what a first serving at the buffoonery buffet. Those for seconds. Yes, please. Bring it on. What is the title of the song by Kenny Loggins released for the film Top Gun? Now, Johnny, you can't rhyme. John, you can't swap. You can do nothing or you can do the other one. Your classiness is a film question, Johnny. No, this is music. Every song's been in a movie at some point. That is true. Okay, John, are you rhyming or nothing? I'm going for Strangerphone. I hope that was a rhyme and not nothing. But let's see. And Johnny. I've got ranged eons. You're both correct. Yes, Danger Zone was the correct answer there. Extremely well rhymed by John and Johnny. The reason that question was in is because it made danger when you swapped the first and last. It's a real word. Ranged. Question three. Which pirate is the main antagonist in the book, Treasure Island? Johnny, you can rhyme or nothing. John, swap or nothing. I have a lot of fun swapping them around and just seeing what I'm about to say. No one's been tempted to skip the buffet. When in town, you got it at the buffet, surely. It's all you can eat, Johnny. What's your answer? My answer is someone who perhaps in another universe is a late 80s, 90s rock star. John Bon Jilva. Love that. And John. I've gone for Goddle, Nodge, Rilves. You're both correct. Yes, the answer was of course Long John Silver, expertly rhymed by Johnny and perfectly swapped by John. John's was a bit Lord of the Ringsy there, I thought that could be a- An elf. And the rhyme I had, Johnny, was Bon Gone Tilver, because of course nothing rhymes with silver. But you could have come up with real rhymes for Long and John there. Question four. Which of the seven wonders of the world, this is the classic, not the modern, that I asked a few weeks ago, is in modern day Iraq. Got seven to choose from. Only one of them's in Iraq, which one? So John can rhyme and Johnny can swap. Oh, they don't have to. So it's up to them. Do you reckon you could name all seven wonders of the world, guys? I can't name one, currently. Johnny, how many do you reckon you could name? Oh, seven, eight, maybe more. Okay, John, which wonder of the world was it? I'm hoping it's the banging Bourbons of Flabby John. Flabby John would have banging Bourbons as well, wouldn't he? For sure. The word. He really would. And Johnny? Now I know how James' mind works, and he always wants us to come up with the silliest of answers, which is why I've gone for the gang in Sardin Faux Nabilob. Nabilob? Nabilob, lovely work. I was hoping I might have got control on this one, but we both given the same answer in totally different ways, of course. And that's the beauty of the buffoonery buffet. You have both given the same answer in completely different ways, and you're both correct. Well done. The hanging gardens of Babylon is in modern day Iraq. Oh, neck and neck. neck and neck and you've both got bull marks. You're dining well at the buffet today. If this is the quiz that you both get 100% on then, wow. Question five. The plow is a group of stars in the sky, known by which other name in North America? Named because it resembles a large ladle. So Johnny, can rhyme and John, can swap. Or you don't have to do anything. Johnny, what's the plan known as in North America? When you started reading the question my mind went to one thing initially which would have been Gariens felt but then when you mentioned it represented a giant ladle I don't know what it's called so I've guessed and gone for meh flan meh flan it sounds Welsh meh flan I think it's more that someone's prepared you a flan it's not the best thing you've just gone meh flan yeah okay and John I've gone for Gib ripped sounds a little bit like a headline about one of the Bee Gees the correct answer is Gib ripped it's not meh flan Johnny I can't even work out what you were saying what were you rhyming there Johnny the pan oh no the rhyme would have been weak flipper or big dipper as it's known I've learned something today I always assumed whatever the constellation was that was the big dipper in my head it always looked like some sort of roller coaster went like up and down up and down it's called the big dipper because it literally is a ladle that you dip in soup yep because it's a ladle that you dip exactly that so I always thought that as well because there is a roller coaster in the UK in Blackpool called the big dip but that's its name and it was for ages the largest roller coaster in the UK but no it's because it resembles a ladle well I'm stunned I've learned something here you went expecting to learn at the buffoonery buffet were you I was not expecting to learn we are feasting Johnny John still on for 100% here two questions left question six which TV series is based on a memoir by Piper Kermann not heard of Piper Kermann no read the question again please James which TV series is based on a memoir by Piper Kermann so John you can rhyme Johnny you can swap but nothing has to happen do you both think you've got this right did you want a little bit of extra information I've got an idea based on the world of James and the trouble is I know how John's brain works and even though I don't think either of us know the answer I would bet money that we've both put the same thing well let's see John what's the answer I'm going for blorring with de flue crack or orange is an interesting word blorring is an interesting word I did say if you can't rhyme it you can make it up Johnny what's your answer now I'm going back entirely on what I said before as we've not put the same thing oh but now I think John has got the right answer because I remember when it was on there was someone called Piper in it I went another way yack slender be yack slender be yack slender be or slender but it's so hard trying to work out what you're saying that is an excellent reversal there Johnny you've both given different answers I was thinking you were hoping that one of us is going to say something like sneaky grinders or freaky yeah something else but I don't think that was the case unfortunately for you Johnny I went down a word that was impossible to rhyme for this question John's correct if Johnny was to give a correct answer it would be Irango C et when collab which is it rolls off the tongue orange is the new black again chosen because you can't rhyme orange John said blorinch I mean syringe maybe syringe yeah all a bit rubbish aren't they I mean rhyme zone would go it's a near rhyme yeah and rappers would make it on the inflection and be able to rhyme at loads of times but classically you can't rhyme anything with orange and yes Johnny your right the main character was called Piper in it as well so with one question left John can trail is on 100% can he get every single question right at the buffoonery buffet Johnny is currently four points behind him it's 12 eight this is double or nothing right well no triple there are a total of 16 points on offer for this question 16 whoa so you can still win it Johnny and Johnny you're rhyming John you are swapping or you don't have to do anything which John might actually choose to do here just because he's got the lead maybe you'll do it question seven list the planets in order from largest to smallest oh wow I'm gonna give you one point for each planet in the correct place two points if you buffoon and this is why there's 16 points on offer because there are eight planets hold on you repeat the question again list the planets in order from largest to smallest oh crikey I think I've done them as stick him in a line what from the sun oh man currently I'm still missing one which is a bit of an issue missing one so where did so I put that planet where's it gone I think I know them in order what in size order no in that the technique I know to get them all the pneumonic exactly but I don't know what that how that list them I don't even know the mnemonic I really should know by now all the planets I can't believe I only got seven planets I can't what hang on I might have to go to my alphabet palace oh it's so annoying I just really enjoy that there is a little blind spot of knowledge of John can trellin its planets what's annoying is that I could address that blind spot and just remember them but I don't I just hope that there's you know questions about won't come up ends downing street both of you I need these answers now no changing deliver them as they are Johnny list me the planets in order from largest to smallest strap in ruptite flutter group itter zurena z genus d'er spars and burkery did you include one twice there Johnny maybe what was one and three no no one was ruptite three was oh no I've I've said that's a one twice you've done a job can't trail Johnny after lambasting John for not knowing all the planets you've listed two bitter twice that's the one I forgot no way Johnny's got my version of it if I put it every one at least I've got a point which would you know maybe I'm that's my technique what was I missed okay I can see what I've missed now we're such great quizzes which one did you miss Johnny pep tune pep tune that sounds like something you might take for something what's going on the buffoonery has got me what were the answers you submitted because I wasn't really counting points I got stuck on you saying two bitter twice what what is it I went for ruptite flutter the sister planet group itter zurena z genus d'er spars and burkery oh my word for house right you haven't scored zero yesterday John list me the planets in order from largest to smallest ready ourselves I've put a blank in for where I couldn't remember Jupiter so as a whole thing whole thing that's because I've got it on mine yeah Johnny's got yours give it in back yeah you fave it all right here we go I've gone for some natures sranu then I've got my blank which is clam but then it's heart yorkum set of an e-pan oh lost oh no I've spelt net tune wrong well I can tell you neither of you are a hundred percent there because you couldn't remember all the planets either of you what pair of idiots but Johnny has performed better than John here yeah because I put the same one in every answer Johnny you got four in the correct place there oh Johnny and that gives you a total of 16 John was on 12 and John you got three in the correct place of six points to you which means John you win it 18 points to 16 oh Jamie Jamie it was there to be one if only you could remember all the planets I'll tell you the correct order in plain English and then I'll give you the buffoon or I so the correct order from largest to smallest is Jupiter Saturn Uranus Neptune Earth Venus Mars Mercury so if you were to rhyme they would be two-bitter back turn Samantha Janus wet tune cleanness bars unburk jury or if you were to swap them round it would be Retipudge Natus Seranu Eepton Hoth Senuv Sam and Yurkum and congratulations John you just just won the buffoonery buffet but I don't think anyone's come out of this with with our heads held high the dignity's gone and that was the buffoonery buffet next up it's John one thing we don't tend to do Chris is on in this podcast is history we've had gyms never ending quiz which took us back to the 15th century but other than that we don't tend to venture too far into the past with that in mind I wondered if If there was a quiz I could come up with that would take us on a trip back in time, albeit not as far back as the birth of Henry VIII. And that's when I came up with the idea for this quiz. This is, there's a time and a place for that, and here's what you do. In this quiz, you'll both be adding events to the same timeline, which runs from 1901 to 2000. I'll place the first historic event on the timeline, and then you'll take it in turns to add more to the same timeline. Each time you place an event, all you need to do is tell me where in the timeline you think it belongs. If you put an event in the wrong place, you score no points, but the event will still be added to the timeline. I presume it'll be added in the correct place. We're not going to alter history. So I'm going to give you the list. There are 12 famous events on this list. Just write them down so you've got the full list, and then I will tell you the first one I am choosing to start us off. I'll add all of these into the show notes so you can play along at home. So we've got England winning the football World Cup. The winners of the Lost Ark being released, rolled out Monson reaching the North Pole. The onboard winning is 5th consecutive Wimbledon title, Bob Dylan going electric, man walking on the moon, Margaret Thatcher being elected as Prime Minister for the first time, the first email being sent, the tomb of King Tutankhamoon being discovered, the first heart transplant being performed, Dallas Aering for the first time, and Prince's album Purple Rain being released. When you started with the list, I was like, I'm going to know quite a few of these, and I don't. The only thing that's confusing me slightly is Bob Dylan goes electric. Is it like when he bought a Tesla? Yes. I'd love it if it was that. Or is it the kind of guitar he plays? Is that what it is? That is more in the right ballpark, Jim, yes. So I'm going to put the first event on the timeline, and that is the first Barbie doll being released, and that was in 1959. Oh, I thought you were going to add in one of the ones we said, but you just gave another one. I think what I'm going to do as a tactic is write down rough dates I think they might be. That's exactly what I'm doing. And how do we say it who goes first here, John? Well, Johnny is going first. That's how we decide. I am going to go for England winning the World Cup final, and I think that goes after the Barbie doll. Johnny, that is absolutely correct. England won the World Cup in 1966, so we now have three gaps on the board. Jim, where do you think you might go? I am going to put Raiders of the Lost Ark after England won the World Cup. My tactics here are, Johnny knows when this is probably, I think it's probably 80s. I want to get rid of the film one, but Johnny can't take it. That is excellent tactics, and you're absolutely right. Raiders of the Lost Ark was in 1981. So early 80s, so we're splitting that board up. We've now got four gaps that you can aim at, Johnny. I am going to go for, man, walking on the moon between 1966 and 1981. That is a superb answer. Yes, Johnny, man, first walked on the moon in 1969, and you've taken an answer I reckon Jim may have known away from him there. Exactly. Yeah, the two that I knew the definite dates of are the two that Johnny said. Sneaky, sneaky sausage. Although, have we walked on the moon, John? I'm going to go with what we all believe. Where do you think you might like to go, Jim? I'm going to go for Tutankham Moon, happened before Barbie. So between 1959 and you would be absolutely correct. His tomb was discovered in 1922. I've written down 30s and 40s, so it was earlier than I thought, so if there were a few more answers on that board, I think I'd have struggled. I'm trying to give Johnny too much choice. That's the ball in your court, Johnny. That was going to be my next go. I'm going to go for Rolled Amonson reaching the North Pole. I'm going between 1922 and 1959. Johnny, it's a great answer. That happened in 1926. Really good flu over it in an airship called Norge. I had no idea. I figured it would have been early 1950s and he was on like, snow shoes and dragging stuff. Yeah. Nope, he flew over it. Now it starts to get a little tricky. Yes, it does. I've written down decades, but I've written down two or three decades for each one because I'm just not sure. [LAUGHTER] There's a few in there that I think are still eminently getable. One thing I'm thinking about here is how have you written the quiz? Some of these are quite grouped together. So you've got a 22 and a 26. 59, 66, 69. It's 1922, the earliest thing you would do or would you do something from the tens or the zeros? In which case, what could it be? It would have to be the heart transplant. But then do I just leave that for Johnny because I've got no idea because that could quite easily be a lot later? Yeah. Johnny went first. I'm just going to get one left to me at the end. So, yeah, there is that unfortunate situation. And I know what it's going to be. [LAUGHTER] And so for that reason, I'm saying heart transplant before Tutankhamoon, purely based on the gap between 1900 and 1922 and nothing else. If I want to add to a trap there, Jimmy. [SCREAMS] The first heart transplant was in 1967, right in the middle of a very small gap. I've written down 1950s for heart transplant so I would not have stood a chance either with that. No. So the answers that still remain are, Beyond Borg winning his fifth consecutive Wimbledon title, Bob Dylan going electric. Margaret Thatcher being elected, right minister for the first time. The first email being sent. Dallas Aering for the first time, and Prince's album Purple Rain being released. Johnny, where'd you think you might go? I'm going to go for one that I hope is obvious. Oh, go on. Am I right in thinking that the end of the current timeline is 1981? Yes. I'm going to go for Dallas, first Aering in the US, and go after 1981. Oh, that'd be in trouble here, Johnny. Do you think? Johnny, you are in trouble. Oh, no. It was first aired on CBS in 1978. Was it? You weren't a long way away, but you were just the wrong side of that 1981. Oh. There's a lot of things that you associate with the '80s that actually started in the '70s and then continued into it. And what John's done here is group them all together. Yeah. So we've got a 1978 and a 1981. There's going to be a 1979 or a 1980 out there, isn't there? Oh, my gosh. Now we should know when Margaret Thatcher first got elected. When I wrote this, I thought that was going to be one of the ones you'd be all over. But maybe this is your Jupiter. Or maybe this is John Catrol knowing, growing up things. I think this is grown up knowledge. I think I've got a good idea. I'm not 100% confident on it. I'm going to leave it alone. Surely. Purple Rain came out after Raiders of the Lost Ark. So I'm going to put that after 1981. Jim, it's a super-banser. Purple Rain, the album came out in 1984. Well played. Ooh, not that long after. No, not long after. I should have gone for that over Dallas. I don't know why I didn't. I'd written down 1986 on my little list here. Ah, Johnny, where'd you think you might go? There's not many options left. I'm going to go for one that I think James will go for if I don't, which is Margaret Thatcher. I like your tactics. Shall I tell you where I put it, Johnny, before you lock yours in? If you want to. Before 1922. [LAUGHTER] Just try to throw him off. She was in the tomb. They unearthed her. [LAUGHTER] Right down to number James, and let's see. I think Margaret Thatcher was prime minister when I was born. I think it's a little sweet spot between 1978 and 1981. I think it might be like 1980. Jim, what might you have said? No, I've written down 1979/1977. I would have gone between them. I actually might have gone 1977. I might have gone between the moon and Dallas. But I did write '79 as well. The correct answer is 1979, Johnny. Yeah. You've squeezed it in. Technically, I've got it wrong because I said it was 1980, but I'll take it. Take it. It's absolutely. So that leaves us with only three remaining. We have Bjorn Borg winning his fifth Wimbleton title, Bob Dylan going electric, and the first email being sent. They're really inviting Gap after Purple Rain up to the turn of the millennium. Yeah. I think he maybe has left it open, like the Tutankham Moon Gap that I tried to put the heart transplant into. So I'm going to go for Bjorn Borg's fifth Wimbleton. Yeah. And I wonder if that happened between Raiders of the Lost Ark and Purple Rain. Now, it could be 1985, which would be after Purple Rain. I think Boris Becker won it in 1986. And so if I just go between 81 and 84, that gives me 82, 83 to play with. If it's 85, I don't know. Maybe he started in 1980 and it is 1985 and we found the mid one first. Oh. It's in your head, this quiz. Did Boris Becker win to stop him getting the sixth in 1986, in which case it would make it 1985? Okay, I'm saying after Purple Rain, Bjorn Borg, I'd love the way you've tried to maths your way through that, Jim. Bjorn Borg, however, was a little bit earlier. Oh no. His fifth Wimbleton title came in 1980 in the smallest of gaps. Oh no. Between Margaret Thatcher being elected first Prime Minister and the Raiders of the Lost Ark being released. Yeah, I would not have got that. The thing is, because I'm going last because John just decided. I have to kind of take on some of the harder ones because Johnny can just leave whatever one he wants. Hold on, I'll have a little cry in the corner for a sec, John. After James's emotional sob story there. Okay, Johnny. I'm going for one that I'm fairly confident with. Whoa, you've left one that's confident to the end. Well, Bob Dylan going electric was in the 60s. We've got 9.59 and then the next we've got 66, 67, 69. It leaves us with 68, but I think it's between 59 and 66 and that gap. Is it Woodstock or Glastonbury or something like that? It was the Newport Folk Festival. It was Booth. - I was moved by purists. - Yeah. - And it happened in 1965, Johnny. - Whoa. - It's a spectacular answer. - I had 60s, but I'm happy that it got whittled. I'm just hoping it wasn't 9.68, as that was all that was left. - I like the bravery of leaving one that you thought you might know till the very end. - But I thought James would know it's the 60s. - No, I don't know music at all, really. So no real idea. Jim, that leaves you with the first email being sent. - Yeah, it's tricky. Although I am kind of helped by it being last, 'cause there are obviously gaps that it can't go in. It wasn't before 1969. We weren't sending emails before we were on the moon. So it's basically, was it in the 70s? It could be in the little gap between 81 and 84, or it could be after 84. Emails are sent a lot sooner than we think they were. But was it before 84? I feel like the internet was like 91, wasn't it? But maybe I'm just making things up now. (laughing) John is sneaky. - He's very sneaky. - But because we're choosing the order of them, has he been sneaky and put it between purple rain and raiders of the last arc and it was like 83? Or is it 85? And the sneaky thing was to try and get purple rain in there, but we've done it in a different order to his sneak. - I am not envious of your position. (laughing) - And I feel like whatever I say, I'm gonna look stupid. (laughing) - No way. I don't think lots of people would get this, right Jim? This isn't Johnny forgetting Uranus, or me forgetting Jupiter. - I think you're okay. (laughing) - I just don't think it was in the 70s. And I think just because John's being sneaky, I'm gonna go between 81 and 84 as the first email sent. - The correct answer to the question, Jim, is the first email sent in 1971? - Oh, no way. - Wow. - Way earlier. So between the moon and Dallas. - Between the moon and Dallas, which is the dream for everyone. It's always way earlier than you think. - You were right with the internet. So the world wide web was 1989. So you were in the right ballpark with that, but the first email was sent between two computers that were sat next to one other in 1971. - What was the point of that? - They could have just said it. (laughing) - And with that, you have filled the timeline with events. So the events in the order they happened was 1922, the tomb of King Tutankhamun being discovered. 1926, role Amonson reaching the North Pole. 1959, the first Barbie doll was released. 1965, Bob Dylan going electric. 1966, England winning the football world cup. 1967, the first heart transplant being performed. 1969, man walking on the moon. '71, the first email being sent. '78, Dallas airing for the first time. '79, Fatcher being elected prime minister for the first time. '80, Bjorn Borg winning his fifth, Mimbleton title. '81, Raiders of the Lost Start being released. And 1984, Prince's Purple Rain album being released. Now at the end of all of that, we have Johnny sat there with five points and Jim just behind on three. (groaning) Why not just behind? Almost half his score. (laughing) And that was, there's a time and a place for that. (upbeat music) Right, that's all three quizzes. It's time for us to select the best one. Johnny went first, so gets to select his favorite first. Two great quizzes, but only one can be chosen. Bafoonery Buffet. The buffet was open and me and John filled our plates. James's favorite thing to do is to make us look silly and that should have helped me with the answers, but it didn't. And then there's a time and a place for that. I always like a new way of asking questions that doesn't technically ask any questions and this stretched our knowledge of dates and made us say, oh, that was earlier than I thought. (laughing) This week, I'm giving my vote to the quiz that taught me something that genuinely impressed me. Why the big dipper is called the big dipper? (laughing) And for that reason alone, my vote is going to the Bafoonery Buffet. Well, thank you very much, Johnny. All that work you put into it, no, don't bother. (laughing) I've been bothering to try and come up with formats when I should just be actually writing questions. Yeah, it's just things I might like. (laughing) So that means I get to select my favorite quiz next. So in I'm a survivor, Johnny took me and John through the worst day of our lives. From shark attacks to playing crashes to two types of bears mourning us and we came out the other side, not quite unscathed, but alive. And normally with quizzes when you hear the answers, it may be a bit useful later in life, but we genuinely learnt things that could save our lives. So it could be the best quiz we ever hear. (laughing) And there's a time and a place for that. A timeline placement quiz from John Cantrell, but it was so much more than that as each placement on the timeline made it harder and harder for us. There are lots of ways that he could have set it up, but by giving us the whole list and letting us choose the order, it really amped up the gameplay and made it extremely fun. And I had lots of fun playing both of these. No grumpiness from me tonight. (laughing) So the tiebreaker for my favourite quiz has to, I think, come down to the mechanic. And for that reason, I'm going to give it to there's a time and a place for that. But I did genuinely enjoy both of them, two great quizzes to borrow Johnny's phrase. (laughing) So that means John, you get the deciding vote. I'm a survivor. There is nothing quite as reassuring as doing a quiz and coming out of it at the other end, realizing that in 72% of life or death situations, I'm gonna make the wrong choice. (laughing) I'm amazed you made it to the end of this pod, Johnny, if I'm honest. It's remarkable how I've made it this far in life. Let alone this pod. Lie down, it always seems to be the best option. (laughing) Which is why I am alive and well. (laughing) As Jim mentioned, I really liked the idea that we learnt something as we went along. I certainly hopefully will survive that little bit longer, having done Johnny's quiz. And then the buffoonery buffet. Jim, you love nothing more than making Johnny and I say silly things on a quiz. But this time, you made us opt in rather than forcing it upon us. Oh dear. And I will never, never forget the planet Jupiter ever again. (laughing) I do thoroughly enjoy a quiz where we are made to not only come up with the correct answer, but then to do something else with that correct answer. And for that reason, I think, this week, I'm going to say my favourite quiz was the buffoonery buffet. Oh, thank you very much, John. And so congratulations to me for winning the episode by setting the best quiz. Thanks for listening and playing along at home. If you want more questions about survival tactics, second helpings of buffoonery and another timeline, then listen to here's what you missed on Monday and do get in touch via the link in the description where you can follow us on social media. And you can leave us a comment and let us know what you would do if you were set up on by a pack of quiz show hosts, frothing at the mouth from all the buffoonery they've consumed. Frothing at the mouth. (laughing) Join us next time for three brand new quizzes. Goodbye. - Cheers, bye. - Goodbye. (upbeat music)