I'm A Doctor!

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This episode of Distractible is presented to you by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet. The folks over at T-Mobile have some big news for you. They now have the fastest 5G home internet according to the experts at Ookla Speed Test. So if you want the fastest 5G speeds with a 5-year price guarantee, visit t-mobile.com slash home internet to check availability. Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Fastest based on Ookla Speed Test. Intelligence data, second half 2025. All rights reserved. Good evening, gentle listeners. All watchers and welcome to Distractible. This episode, Wasterall Wade aches for the antiquated, nibbles his digits, and asks for assistance. Bifurcating Bob returns from the house of mouse. Identifies crimes, administers assassination deterrents, lobotomies, and engorged genu. Mucusy Mark the mic master, snars caffeine, offers dental deletion, and Brazilian bald cures. From South. Sarcastic Satanism to traffic trebuchets, it's time for I'm a doctor. Now, sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Distractible. I'm today's host, Wade, because I won whatever we did last time, apparently. Join. As always, one of my co-hosts, Mark and Bob. That's me. I'm one of those. I'm the other one. You'll never figure out which is which. We sound the same. Exactly the same. Exactly the same. What a great bit. Uh. Come on, man. What the hell? What the hell? Sorry, that's not sarcastic. I meant it genuinely. Gonna be one of those episodes. Uh-huh. We haven't even told you your episode idea was stupid and then decided not to engage with it yet. Wait till we're mean first. Oh, man. Wait till you guys find out how weird today's episode is. It's weird, seven weird. Well, let's skip weird six, I guess, but. Six is a bad number. Fuck weird six. Yeah, yeah. I've always thought. Come on, guys. What? You're a seven guy. I am. Seven is your number. Yeah, but six is like Satan and stuff, you know? Hail Satan. That's what we say right here. We say that all the time. Two out of three of us love that. That's my favorite vocal warm-up. Well, get on the call and just go, Hail Satan! Hail Satan! There it is. Hail Satan. All right, go. We got Mark. Put in a voice clip saying it to it. Feel better. All that was just a setup just to get Mark's clip. I really needed that one. Sorry if I'm snotting. I'm just getting over a pretty bad sickness, so I apologize if I'm sniffling through the episode. You got a mossy lung? If you've never joined before, it's a show where one of us hosts it to compete for points. Whoever has the most at the end wins and hosts the next episode. Very usual. We smart, we, we smart, we start, we smart with start talk. Oh, editors cut that out. Try again, buddy. Make my lips look right. We start with smart talk. No, yes, smart. Why smart talk? I don't know if I'm up to smart talk today. Oh God. Yeah. Feeling pretty dumb. Per usual, we start with small talk. Nailed it. First try. Anything new in your lives, please talk so I don't have to. I got plenty. I got plenty. New microphone. Every era of my channel is defined by my microphone, which is this. I think it's something, something 8,000. I miss PG 42, Mark. I got to be honest. Oh, you remember even the name of the. Dude, I still use the PG 42 that you got me. It's fucking great. It's a great microphone. It was a great microphone. Way big step up. And then they discontinued it for some reason. I can't imagine why that's a fantastic microphone. Anyway, this one is concerning because it, it sounds good. I think I like it, but it's got a heat sink in the back. You can't really tell because of my, my, so this is a heat sink. A heat sink. And I've never known my past microphones to have a heating problem. Like they've never felt warm or anything. This feels hot. Why is it hot? I don't know. Maybe it's meant for lewd content. So it knows that things might get a little spicy. Halfway through this episode, just like, but it sounds great guys. I feel like I gotta keep using it. But, uh, I'm clearly not in the bowling alley house anymore, so that's good. It was good. James had a hell of a time in Disney. He very much enjoyed Disney, but that much traveling has been, was hard on him. And, uh, is it funny that I feel kind of guilty? Cause I feel like he had a really fun day in Disney and we also did universal and he rode the Yoshi ride. And he really liked that in the super Mario and the rest of the trip, he had fun. There was a pool at the house that we say that very cool. He loves pool, but now like we're home now and he's just like, ah, I hate everything. Where's Disney. And we're like, nah, it's regular life again, buddy. Like we're this, we're back at the house we live in. This is everyday life. Remember? And I feel kind of bad because I feel like we, we stayed in a house down in Orlando and he was like, all right, this is life. Now we go to Disney twice a week. I swim in the pool every other day of the week. All my grandparents are always around. We eat naughty food. We watch as much TV as we want and we swim in the pool and go to Disney. All right. And then we come back home and it's like, you guys fucking suck. Why would you show me that life? Sorry, man. I don't know. I thought you'd have fun. It's my bad, I guess. Is that why we're all so tired? Even as adults, we come back from vacation. We're like, oh, why'd you show me that life? Why are we back to this? Not, not Mark. Mark's better than us, but the rest of us. I've known sadness. I I've, I've known despair. You like hard work though. Yeah, that's true. I do. I'm not like making the masochist joke. You actually just really like, I mean, the movie was a lot and it was a long time and I don't know. I don't know your overall feeling about it, but I could like, you could tell you really fucking like, just like being in the trenches and being like, I have to work 14 hour days for the next week. I have to do it. I have not known what to do with myself. The past few weeks have been so strange. I've started watching an anime. That's how normal people don't do that. That's weird. I know, right? I mean, I just think about, I haven't watched an anime in many, many years. I mean, I think the last one I even. Watch was probably. Is this a hint? Are you scoping out the competition for your next project? I'm working on my animation skills right now, man. I'm going to, I'm going to show that anime industry who's boss. The next Toriyama is Markiplier. He is dead. So I could be him. Oh, I apologize. I apologize. Um, yeah. So, uh, but also I was sick this weekend. So this is going to sound like the most middle-aged middle of the road, like 40 year old standup comedian joke. Bit in the world, but here I go. I, I usually, I was sick over the weekend, so I didn't have any caffeine or anything. I was just kind of on the couch, you know, just like draining in that I was like, oh, this is a great opportunity. You might notice, like, I've got like my caffeine free soda here. I did. Cause it's really hard to get in Ohio and I'm kind of jealous, but. So I was like, oh, this will be the perfect day to start back. I've already gone through the headaches and whatnot because I didn't even notice it. I was sick. So I take cheek out to the park in the morning. so i was like i'm gonna stop by mcdonald's i'll grab a decaf coffee and ah it'll be it'll be great so i order decaf says decaf on the menu i think you know where this is going i normally never finish my coffees i usually just take like a third of it and that's all i'll drink especially if it's like a giant one from a drive-thru or something i'm out walking to you i'm like ah you know this is decaf i'll drink the whole damn thing so we're walking i'm like oh glug oh glug glug glug glug glug yay oh what a fun day by the time we were on the way back to the car i started going man things are really fast you're really speeding up first time i've ever noticed the caffeine started to hit and i was like but that's impossible and i just looked down my coffee it's like the tab's not punched for a decaf and i look over at the label on the side i'm like oh no anyway that's the end of my bit i had way too much caffeine this morning and i feel funny and all my my desire to change my life and be no caffeine is ruined forever it's all ruined now i gotta go chug a red bull i know it is i have to might as well in for a penny in for the other penny yeah what does that saying mean i guess it's english but a penny isn't english a penny is american but a pound is an english you know like no penny's still in english is it i thought they had pence are those called pennies it sounds like it could be another term for pennies yeah i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know penny. And if it was a pen to the penny, and I'm maybe i don't know i guess in for a penny in for a dollar sounds kind of stupid so i'm not opposed to it and they phased out the penny anyway in for a nickel in for a dollar and for a checkbook those are hip now right checkbooks why are you saying it like that checkbooks checkbooks you like adding some syllables in there multiple checkbooks checkabookers i don't know it's just fun to say checkbook like that i don't know anyway it wouldn't surprise me if those were popular again just because everyone's like i want the analog media i want records and checkbooks i know that i'm older because i prefer checks to all of the other like money apps you can have everyone's like oh just send it via like whatever i'm like can i just mail you a check doesn't that sketch you out every time i've ever put a check of any sort in the mail i'm like well i'm either giving someone this money or it's gonna get where i hope it does i guess we'll find out when the check cashes or whatever like isn't it weird i feel that way more and more and more and more and more and more and more so about technology it's like yep here's all my banking info transfer it along this digital highway i am sketched out because it's like you need the exact username or you need their correct phone number or something but as long as you're like all right i've checked five times this is your phone number i know the money went to you because it went to the only phone number in the world that is yours that is this one even if i give a check directly to a person if that's not the person who's the money is supposed to go to if it's like this they work for the company or something what if they take it it's just like i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know it's just a check i don't even have proof that i did that what if someone hops on like their their digital speedster they're on the digital highway and they hijack the digital package i'm sending digitally i see what you're saying i mean that all is stuff that happens yeah what if that scene from fast and furious where they hijack the semi truck full of five thousand dollars worth of vcrs in their thirty thousand dollars worth of cars happens but online i see what you're saying yes like inception and fast and the furious had a baby yep yep in the internet line sure sure i don't know i i understand it's probably nonsensical but i still am like uh checks are so much safer than this online app who is mr venmo anyway for some reason i think mailing money is a crime i don't think a check is i think mailing cash is is cat is mailing cash a crime it's not a crime in itself but it could be because when you're putting things through the mail system mail fraud is always a possibility right that is a crime and if you're sending money through the mail it could be fraud could be fraudy am i frauding if i put money in the mail if you don't mean it oh trip accidentally oh if it's just a joke if you're like i'll send you uh five hundred dollars but you have to send me a thousand back but then i'll send you 500 back and then we'll be even i mean is that a crime yeah it's probably a crime what about that company that sent a bunch of nickels out in the envelopes way back when that's just stupid all right okay whenever we used to do a proof of purchase mails like for for our cereal boxes is that kind of like mailing money crime definitely a crime yeah crime it's all just an elaborate system designed to make trick you into committing crime so that they've got dirt on you for later that's actually when you become an adult when you finally have some someone has dirt on you you actually and then you're an adult yeah you what what did you do you know you become an adult okay i forgot that moment in life where i was just like i thought to play with lollipops taxes fuck yeah you you were you were you're six foot four now and you were like two foot and then just someone got dirt on you man i don't think i have anything that interesting to talk about myself so it's a good thing i'm the one hosting this what happened i don't know when you shop kroger delivery you can expect the savings you love and fresh groceries delivered right to your door our refrigerated trucks keep your items fresh while our associates are committed to getting every detail right carefully selecting and packing your order with care because bringing you fresh quality groceries is what we do best and right now enjoy twenty dollars off your first online order of seventy five dollars or more restrictions apply see site for details kroger fresh for good news for anyone who's bad at waiting black friday deals at lowe's are already on get up to three free select wall craftsman or cobalt power tools with the purchase of a select battery kit three for free you better believe it plus select ladders are up to fifty percent off so go ahead get in there early shop black friday deals in store or online now at lowe's valid through 11 18 while supplies last free tools vary based on battery kit purchased and location unless you guys have any objection i'm going to dive into the episode now i'm going to ration my small talk i have a funny feeling i'm going to lose so i think i'm going to need it for next time interesting interesting well we'll see who loses i'm not going to let you have that one for free if the wheels have had anything to say about it lately we have no idea what the hell is about to happen and we even have that today oh shit that's right did you remember to write down let's not worry about that to add okay i was supposed to add a point in free parking today yes yes otherwise no i didn't remember anything else the one man show had some adjustments oh that's right we added 10 and then they're oh man my notepad that had it is gone it was a 10 and then just the normal two i think right so 12 yeah yeah so it was at six so it's gonna be at 18 now damn that's a jump well for today's episode i think this this harkens back to old distractible this feels like an episode we would have done a long time ago we might have talked about something i guess i'll i'll leave it up to you guys if you want to do if you want to do it work together or against each other but we need inventions that don't exist yet to solve some more of our everyday problems i got problems and i need you boys to fix them up clearly so do you guys want to work together or do you guys want to work against each other and come up with better inventions this is a capitalist venture definitely competitive i concur okay good all right aren't you guys not allowed to agree in that thing i curcun i invented it i don't like that a new way to agree i don't know why i like curcun either come on that's like a star trek villain it's curcun i'm gonna quit saying that i feel like yeah uh-huh say it harder and see if it sounds better no i'm good stress the syllables more checkbook are you saying it like that problem i've had and i've i've been a lot better about it lately but it's still something i battle with especially whenever i'm not paying attention if i'm watching a movie or something i'm completely zoned out i will find myself nails in mouth chomping i'm a nail biter and i've always been a nail biter and i've never been able to stop biting my nails so i guess we'll see who goes first here uh mark heads bob tails because that's the order you're gonna camera wise for me bob you will go first good fair i need some invention to help me stop biting my nails and there's already like a nasty tasting polish out and obviously gloves already exist but i'm not gonna wear gloves around the house so we're gonna think outside the box a bit but the nasty taste and nail polish did not stop me i was just like oh this is awful chomp oh gross chomp so what will actually get me to stop i have a number of ideas but i think i'm gonna start with my strongest one also i just want to say in the back of my mind there are definite alarm bells going off that i feel like we've done this before but it may have been a completely different context i think we've done an episode like this before yeah i know how to make you stop chewing your nails i call it the gun gary gun gary gary intrigued call your teacher interest yeah everybody wants to know i don't know who gary is but i like i don't know i don't know who's you don't know who gary is and you don't need to know who gary is all you need to know is that there is a man named gary and he has a gun and he is watching you to see if you bite your nails and he's not authorized to kill you on the first try but it escalates pretty quickly okay that's it that's the whole invention creates jobs very effective and it's a great invention and it's a great invention and it's a great invention and one way or another you're never going to buy your nails again gone gary patent pending this feels a little breaking bad i feel like there's gonna be like a laser pointer aimed at me at random points whenever my nails approach my mouth no he's not secretive he's just in the room with you for the rest of your life oh there's an upgrade you can get at one point if you feel like your nail biting addiction is is sort of cured you could go to stealth gun gary and you'll never really know if he's there or not for sure because he'll keep his distance but uh until you are ready for that upgrade gun gary just follows you around this is so capitalist of you to have upgrades and dlcs for gun gary and it is a monthly subscription and if you want him to ever talk to you there's a upgrade that's their tier 2 subscription plan and if you want him to ever talk to you and be nice or not lie to you when he does talk to you uh that's the top tier subscription those are unrelated services there's sort of an upgrade but base basic gun gary service will cure you of what ails you if what ails you is biting your nails i imagine instead of like a pop-up window just occasionally whenever like the exact time hits he'll just like interrupt his own sentence or whatever you're doing to be like your subscription is about to expire would you like to renew i don't like that i don't like the real life version of how that sounds but sounds effective i think it would be very effective okay gun gary with upgrades and subscriptions uh mark can you top gun gary hey kids have you ever wanted to be a spy to go out on missions to get Captured unexpectedly and have to take the ultimate sacrifice for your country well now you can and also you'll stop biting your nails hi i'm mark blair inventor of of tooth spy uh-huh patent pending on the name pending means it's waiting judgment right yes yeah yeah sure you know how when a spy is captured they have a certain tooth in their mouth that is actually a secret cyanide capsule well i've developed a certain fake tooth that only responds to the keratin on your fingernail or keratin in general or carrots weirdly enough don't know why don't eat carrots but when you have this you will be so afraid of biting your nails because you don't know which tooth is the secret tooth it's also like alligator dentist you know you know the game where you gotta push the teeth down or else it stomps down on you but instead of chomping down on you it's a bunch of cyanide explodes and melts your face you i think that's how cyanide works that's how this cyanide works so we found that's how it works in james bond so i assume that's how it works really melts faces why was there never a fnaf adaptation to alligator dentist yeah they had an alligator monty golf monty mont they had monty i don't mean like an alligator in fnaf i mean why didn't they make the dentist game with a fnaf character why didn't they remake that one toy in fnaf not even in the game like just an actual toy you know you're so right that would fit anyway sorry i was just thinking capitalistically you should probably pend a patent on that yeah pen pen your bats man love you know i have over 10 000 patents pending and a lot of them are just on whether or not you like the name that's cool it makes sense they keep telling me i misunderstand what a patent's for but i keep telling them like i got more names come on let me in there so it was it was carrots carotene and what was the other thing you couldn't bite no that was it keratin carrots and carrots okay there's nothing else that makes sense was why i can only think of those two i want to make sure i'm a little scared now what if i have one of those nope just those all right man i kind of give points already to both of you for both inventions i don't know which way i want to go cyanide tooth or gun i mean gun gary is a lot more just in my face in my way but also probably a lot more effective and terrifying i feel like mark's invention is cool in a similar way but what if you just absentmindedly forget like you can't forget that gun gary is there he's there he keeps your line of sight and he makes sure you know he's there yeah you order a pot pie with no carrots and they give you carrots it's like you're dead i mean that that could be if it hits the tooth the thing is it's only one tooth unless you pay for the bio you get it during the buy one get one special uh but you'll you'll chomp and you'll be like oh no was that it and if your face isn't melted you're still good it's a lesson you gotta let yourself fall so that you can catch yourself before you die that's what my parents taught me they're both terrifying i feel like gun gary's a guarantee that bob's like it's hard to argue he's there you can't not see him i will accidentally probably die with the i like carrots so real random side tangent whenever i thought of the buy one when mark said buy one get one free i thought of saul like you want to play a game i don't know what do you get the chance of death you get two today because it's a buy one get one free i saw a post where someone had made like a parody of saul where it was like religious or something let me find the picture it's called like the reconciler the reconciler i don't like that yeah someone made a video i don't know who curtis connor is but he made a video of watching the saul knockoff called the reconciler where it's apparently a christian knockoff of the movie saul i haven't watched the video but whenever i saw it the first thought i had and i got to share it with the world because it made me laugh for like 20 minutes was do you want to pray a game you don't know curtis connor no i don't know people man he's pretty funny it's stupid and every time molly's like are you done laughing do you want to pray again let's start laughing wait so is is what you saw a parody of this christian remake of the saw movie i did so all i saw was the thumbnail like his video was recommended on youtube it popped up and it said saul and there's an arrow pointing to reconciler so this christian knockoff of saul is god awful and i just had the thought do you want to pray a game and that's that's it that's it that's the end of the story didn't watch the video didn't see the movie don't know who this guy is don't know anything but man that thought i had made me laugh for a long time because it's still really funny to me not funny enough to help you me win i see maybe did you make me think of it yeah wasn't it the buy one kill one oh you know what yeah you know bob okay here we go i got it figured out i understand i got the this is why i hedged my bets on the small talk i'm gonna burst into more small talk later in the episode just trying to get some more small talk points you said he was holding out yeah we'll see we'll see how it goes mark mark you're first on this one i need you to help me man it turns out i'm bald what no oh man and i need a way of feeling better about being bald whether it's fixing the baldness or whatever other solution you might have killing everyone on the planet with hair whatever you think of i need killing everyone on the planet my friend not only we're going to get you here we're going to save the planet hi i'm max b hair come on that's so good what a strong start hi i'm max b here to give you some hair from another person's derriere let me tell you there's no bigger problem in this world than the waste from all those brazilian waxing studios rip and throw rip and throw chucking out all those single-use wax strips left and right but max b hair is gonna get you there where is there where there's hair i've got discount strips buy one get 99 free wade what color would you prefer there's only one texture what color would you prefer i never even contemplated maybe a little of everything you can you will get a little of everything that's right in every hundred bucks of slight lee pre done hair you'll get a whole rainbow of hair from every type so you can rest assured that every single occasion you'll have a brand new toupee to match and yes it will be sticky oh god i hate it i want to see it written out where it's like you pronounce it slightly oh what a brilliant thought man you might oh my eye oh my eye you might have cured me except for i'll fix my eye whoever fixes my eye gets 100 points oh you need new contacts man this is the second time these are dailies all right how many days have you worn them just today i don't i don't around with wearing contacts more than once you all right oh i'm dying bob help me with my hair though forget my eyes i don't need to see i just need to look beautiful all right is it my turn i think so is max b hair done yeah i'm done max be done i am dr shiny nog and i'm here to tell you that you can like the way you look you may have heard of me wherever there's knees wherever there's nogs i'm there today i'm here to talk to you about nogs specifically sad bald ones but that's okay science has determined there's nothing we can do to put hairs back onto a head it's all it's basically super clue you're not gonna have hair and it's not your fault but with my new procedure you can love the way you look i call it a labold me i take by a highly calibrated ice spike and the biggest hammer i'm legally allowed to swing at your face and i remove the parts of your brain that make you feel bad about how bald you are the labal to me it's cheaper than it sounds this product has not been tested this sponsored and this product is not endorsed by dr shiny nog buy your own risk how impartial he doesn't need to endorse his own products that would be biased hey they just pay me and i swing the hammer man brought to you by me i also don't endorse this product you you pay me max b air will be all over those endorsements so my choices are wax strip hair oh slightly pre-done slightly pre-done oh man what choices i don't know who wouldn't go for the labal to me given this choice well you know i will i might have leaned toward the labal to be of shiny nog had endorsed his own product but that makes me a little nervous so i'm gonna go with the uh the wax strips on this one thank you thank you oh man give me that slightly pre-used hair also it's probably cheaper to have used hair it is very cheap for me buy one get 99 free yep oh yeah you wanna save money we could reuse the same ice pick i mean it's whatever yeah why bother cleaning it i won't remember i'll remove that part too that cares about that so you won't even be bothered oh god i forgot about the hair rivals max b hair and shiny nog side tangent lobotomies i've i've never really understood how to clean it i've never really understood how to clean it i've never really understood how to clean it i've never really understood how the hell because i i know the description of it which is like put an ice pick like right here or something on the inner eye or wherever and then you just wonk a hammer is that real it's about damaging the frontal lobe or something yeah it causes damage to the frontal lobe in a way that affects the person's brain function and basically turns them into kind of more of a zombie so they're less wouldn't it cause damage to the eye and and the sinuses and then all the the other stuff in front of the brain why does it go through the eye or does it i thought maybe it went through the nose and you like drilled a hole and that i i honestly don't know i only know lobotomy as like a joke from movies like i can't believe that was a serious thing that medical doctors did to people or still do i hope not dr walter freeman popularized inserting an ice pick like instrument through the eye socket driving it through the bone with a mallet and swinging it to sever white matter swinging it just so you gotta get it in there and then you go now grant this is like uh this is a shitty overview but yeah sure that seems fine surgery severs most of the connections to and from the prefrontal cortex and the anterior part of the frontal lobes of the brain well yeah we don't need those parts so yeah of course lobotomy is a good idea yeah some of those parts are probably useless oh yeah i've got to give you guys another prompt i was like where uh keep going so bigger is seen as better right so we're gonna cure mark including mark doing it mark we're gonna fix shortness oh don't worry not your penis just your height and i don't need any trouble there i don't need i don't want any trouble there i don't know why i said it like that i don't want any trouble with my penis well we gave you a dick lobotomy a dick bottom you say is that also still through the eye socket oh yeah somehow yes yeah better than a dick toppy the bottom the top it's bad don't laugh wade that was confusing man so uh we're fixing short uh who's first i think bob's first this time here come on fix me dr shiny nog here again like i said where there's knees or there's nugs you can find me there i'm here to talk to you today about knees are you too short i know why that is not enough knees i'm here to introduce you to my new product knee knees it's where we put a knee inside your knee to make it taller you don't need a knee replacement you need a knee engorging and that's where my patent pending biotic knee comes in we surgically hacksaw your leg in half right in the middle of your knee joint and stick my new knee right in the middle not only will you be septuple jointed you'll be two to four inches taller which is enough our surveys have shown for almost anyone if that's not enough for you i don't know if this product's for you but like i always say i'm a doctor a claim that all doctors make sure to make to you well i thought i would try and play mark's game but i'm just not as good at these kind of bits as mark is what do you mean you just no you just you go into your hairy what was the guy's name hair b max b hair you just like you just jump into it and you have a character i don't do characters i do observational humor really you know i point things out knee dog made a great comeback you know the first time i even wrote down a point for knee dog i spelled out knee k-n-e-e so like it worked yeah well that's what that's how it's spelled i remember that game nidhogg i do no did you ever play the second one they made a second one i think there was nidhogg too i'm pretty sure oh right i don't think i ever played it right with the upgrade graphics and the worm thing yeah that's a fun game fixing fixing my short not you just short in general no he specifically did say me that's true actually tall is a state of mind short is a state of body right tall is up here in the nog right short is down down here in the body do you get what i'm saying do you get where i'm going with this let me spell it out longer for you tall t-a-l-l i'm with you i'm on this ride so so if you invert them invert it right how's that go l-l-a-t lot c-r-o-h-s nothing to give to you i will give you nothing and you will have to give me nothing have nothing and therefore there is no problem because there is no product see classic capitalist move not solving a problem we didn't have exactly so is it drugs i think it's no it's a lot trolls we should play that backwards for a game that was fun that was fun what was the backwards word it wasn't your or was bob did you have them i think it was my game i think i hosted it where you had to say oh try and say a word backwards and then we'd see if you could get it correctly forward oh thanks bob hosted that because i think yeah i think you and i were competing on that one mark that was a good one it was just people thought we were faking it what do you mean wait what do you how would we fake it what do you mean what kind of show do they think this is i don't know they thought we were playing dumb or something and it was like guys i'm smart it's the other person that's dumb all right uh we'll do one more round wait which product are you using when me knees or latros no no i think i gotta go with me ease because i still don't know what the fuck the other one was it's just really good drugs i'm pretty sure it's it's not meant for you if you can't comprehend it the commercials are just a and shapes and geometric nightmares from my deepest darkest secrets but if you don't understand you don't know what yeah it's really not your fault mark it's really unweighted yeah all i know is if we invert it and say it backward there's no problem yeah so you do get it you're just being obstinate do you just not want though do you not want to win i love how bob before this was like mark you're so good at coming up with a character all yourself it's my strategy it's my mind the game i give you compliments over the course of the game and it you're like what and then it we falter right critical moments he puts you in a pressure cooker he does he does when you shop kroger delivery you can expect the savings you love and fresh groceries delivered right to your door our refrigerated trucks keep your items fresh while our associates are committed to getting every detail right carefully selecting and packing your order with care because bringing you fresh quality groceries is what we do best and right now enjoy twenty dollars off your first online order of seventy five dollars or more restrictions apply see site for details kroger fresh for everyone you know you don't have to wait to shop black friday at lowe's right save up to one hundred and fifty dollars now and select power tools equipment and accessories got gifts to get we've got plenty under fifty dollars plus milo's rewards members get same day delivery for free shop black friday deals before the rush at lowe's valid to eleven eighteen twenty five dollar minimum and loyalty membership acquired order eligible items by two p.m subject to weight and size restrictions and availability terms at lowe's dot com slash shipping terms good news then mark you get to go first so after you get to immediately fix this so this isn't so much like a personal body thing but it's something that drives me crazy even here in cincinnati i have to sneeze one second that's not the problem you have to sneeze in cincinnati i'm harry sneeze i'm phil switcher for kleenex i sawed your nose in half even here in cincinnati i'm noticing traffic is getting atrocious i was like oh you know what i love about cincinnati it's nothing like la or new york or chicago and all their crappy traffic it's getting there is there driving school anymore because nope like people there's an ambulance full siren and someone's like oh they're trying to cut me off i better make sure they don't get around me it's like what is happening let the ambulance go you fucking crazy person they're idiots there's so many idiots and i don't think they know what a license is i don't know if they know what a car is i don't know if they know they have brakes sometimes it's getting bad we gotta fix the traffic and bad driver problem so real quickly just something that's not been solved in centuries in the world i need you to solve right now have i got a product for you hi i'm chuck m trudier here the inventor of the car you don't even need to worry about traffic because it's an attachable attachment to your car that is in the shape and form of a giant spoon that is uh fucking what's weird a catapult it winds no no the uh the tension yes it's tension bound to the lever arm that will shock - Anything, mostly it's intended for cars but you know that's the only thing i have a patent pending for but technically speaking under the under the radar under the under the why can't i think of any common expressions under the table are you human under the table i'm chuck m trudier i am very human and this product is also very human it will allow you to throw everything and anything wherever you want it to go so long as where you want it to go is in the direction you have pointed it at so you can either get rid of those pesky traffickers or you can launch them where they need to be to assist in civil society and progressing the common man which i am one of those it was us very human i'm concerned about that part but otherwise i mean chucking some people in traffic with a catapult to help them of course that sounds fantastic or punishment i would never say that part out loud but very under the table or over it normal human laughter bob how do you solve my traffic problem hi i'm barely legal and i'm here with a solution to all of your traffic problems you might want to rethink the name but no no no i love it it's it's a legal solution barely to all of your problems look there's already a solution for this uh this is used to by the military and and in certain specific settings but this used so sparingly it's just a waste we've all heard of the l-rad or long-range acoustic device it's a big speaker that can basically make such a terrible sound that it physically suppresses human beings or anything else with years if you mount one of my barely legal l-rads on the front of your car everyone will hear you always be out of your way they basically couldn't stand to not get out of your way it will solve all of your driving problems and basically only your driving problems for the rest of your life and as far as we know this is legal probably depending on what state you live in and exactly how loud the sound is that you have your l-rad produce it's probably safe for you and it's probably legal we think and it's very very affordable ish depending on how much you value your time and driving experience okay uh barely legal i mean i go by b b lee but my legal name is bear lily go i believe you with the l-rad or chuck m trudier with the catapult i think i gotta go with the catapult on this one i like the idea of the sound but it's less applicable like everyone has the sound that either no one's on the road like what if more than one person buys your product well then you only really need the one person to buy your product and that's it one who's in front to be doing it but you could team up with other l-rad users own the l-rad gang have a big train really like a land train it's like a train but it goes on land unlike regular trains that's a weird concept but just imagine a land train wait next episode of this you just gotta give us products and we'll give you the name of the inventor we'll just give you the names of the guys who built that done so hold on let me make a note to myself i do think that we've done an episode like this one before like we did inventions way back in the day i just don't know if we've done them for these specific scenarios this might be a part two or part three of inventions but at least it was i don't think we've done these things i hope you didn't pull up the same list of prompts it would be really funny if we did i mean i guess it's possible i wrote all these today but i do have the same brain probably but slightly older and dumber i've noticed that as a fascinating phenomenon is like completely remembering something word for word that you thought was completely different than what you thought it was completely original and you just rewrote history where but that didn't happen this time that's what happens whenever our entire lives are online for a decade and a half let me go through points here mark you got oh god i gotta try to read my hand i hate this point this point this point i hate this you got sick boy new mic toriyama's dead coffee whoops hey kids tooth spy max b hair good spelling wanna pray again you get a boy for that wax strip hair chuck m trudier lat tro oh short call backwards lat tros and catapult you are sitting at 13 wasn't it technically car to pull it might have been car to pull but my handwriting is atrocious and i tried bob you got points for james hates life sure you made fun of my mail check versus apps thing or else you gave me good advice you did something wrong with that you're a crime expert i don't know what that had to do but but you're a crime expert apparently then i gave you points for laughing gun gary upgrades shiny nog labaldami like i say i'm a doctor like i always say i'm a doctor nini ees be lee legal l rad uh and twice i picked your invention which i just wrote as i choose you times two uh for a total of i don't know i don't know i total of 14 so right now it's 14 to 13 all right close one which is unfortunate can i just hang on i'm gonna take three points away from mark give him to bob so the wheels doesn't matter can i do that as the host i'm gonna say you can't all right i won't wait wait i heard that coin clicking don't worry i'm not messing with the points unless oh all right okay okay are we good we're good bob a point for not grabbing his coin can i do that he grabbed his i was holding my coin oh mark mark gets six points for not grabbing his coin okay well i won't stand by this i'm not messing with it and then i do my thing do we have to retroactively add things to the wheel from when you were in florida or do we actually come up with stuff to add to the wheel so strictly i added one point to free parking and i modified the winner's wheel to be it's 18 percent right now for the one man show oh we might have said something like the next thing we have to add something that actually gets points from free for free parking oh yeah we could do that let me do this real quick how many spins we do in i would put my money on three oh i lost my money no oh no two it is all right and then i guess the thing we'll add is get points from free parking yeah unless we've forgotten that we did do that but i'm not gonna read through all the list there's way too many and make sure you add a point to the free parking space if you did i did there's one in it right now there what it said zero and i changed it to one so you know at least now that if you get the point for free parking you get at least one point now it's worth something yay all right so we're doing two spins here we go baby wearing least clothes okay i got shirt pants undies two socks well a sock on each foot i guess if i mean super honest i have both socks underwear shorts but i have shirt and undershirt on i mean and i have a watch i don't know if that's really clothes but i think undershirt is extra layer right yeah same except for an undershirt yeah so mark markets that one i guess i could have just lied that's what i'm talking about you guys don't know if i'm undershirt on but it's whatever but yeah if you look at the wheel you see this black this sliver that's what it started to be so full of shit that it's going off center from the from the like graph graphics and so there's like a weird off-centeredness to the wheel now i think when it spins the black wedge goes moves around the outside we need to take our wheel to a mechanic spin number two bob gets that one i don't know if i said words i mean i said tits i don't know what it has to be but that's a fast response it's a good response i think i went you did make a growling noise it's still after bob oh wait wait i'm gonna call cuz okay i'm calling fair and this for a specific reason bob being the one spinning it and he said he revealed it's a local program i am at a disadvantage it's true for that because i am on the other side of the country it's pretty true actually yeah so hold on so let's determine the outcome here either it's doubly fair and bob is right and gets an extra point or it's unfair which means what mark gets the point this time or re-spin i think it'd just be a re-spin okay so it's a re-spin nothing happens or bob gets two points from this well what if we re-spin and it's fastest response again does that i think we just that won't happen that won't happen yeah it won't happen all heads mark wins all tails me wins and otherwise nothing happens yes all right i got heads oh tails i got which one is mine i got lady oh heads oh i don't matter okay well all right i tried all right well despite that attempt the final score is bob with 15 mark with 14. damn you did win something though mark you won going first with your loser speech oh well you know there's that uh i had a feeling i'd lose um - I'm not saying I can predict the future. I'm only saying I can't affect the future. None of our actions have any weighing on the future. You can't change it unless that change is simply standing by and watching it all burn. - Well said. - Mm-hmm. - Bob, save us with the winner's speech. - I gotta say, I'm a little surprised. I felt like Mark had some pretty funny bits today, and I felt like, based on your reactions during the episode, it seemed like you were writing down a lot of stuff for him and not so much for me, but the points are numbers, and numbers can't lie because numbers are science, and science can't lie. That's just science. It's gotta be fair. We even flipped coins, and the coin said it's fair, too. So as much as I didn't feel confident, I earned this, and I am the best, at least for today. But that's okay, what are you will be the best next time, unless you're not. - Well said. And I'm gonna give a quick unprecedented hoster's speech. Look, we might've done this topic before. We might've had a similar episode before. We might've even talked about some of these inventions before, but it's been disassembled, taken apart, and put back together. Is it even the same topic anymore? Or is this the invention of Theseus? That's for you all to decide. - We've done sequels before, so that is. - Hey, this was my turn to talk. Don't come at me with logic and facts. - All right, you're right. - If you haven't already, go follow these boys, Mark at Markiplier, Bob at MySkirm. I'm WadeMillion777, or LordMillion777. Watch the episodes, 'cause there's video, or listen if you wanna keep listening, that's fine. Merch, sometimes, maybe more soon, maybe still some, at distractible.shop. I always pause there in case I'm wrong about that link. - You got it. - Check it out. Check us out, watch more of this, listen to more of this. Also, I love the drawings. I know this drawing episode was a little while back. I loved seeing people draw along with the draw episode. That was really funny. And most of them were better than us. Anyway, that's it. Podcast out. - Watch new episodes on Spotify. - When you shop Kroger delivery, you can expect the savings you love and fresh groceries delivered right to your door. Carefully selecting and packing your order with care, because bringing you fresh, quality groceries is what we do best. Restrictions apply, see site for details. Kroger, fresh for everyone.