I Let Fans Roast Me! (And I Roasted Them Back)

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Today, against my better judgment, I let all you guys roast me, but I'm going to be able to roast you back. So we're gonna see what people have to say about me. Try to make fun of your boy. Some of these are pictures, some of these are videos or whatever, but let's get started. First one is from Addison. Joe likes to pretend he's quote unquote normal like the rest of us, but he's one Squarespace ad away from installing a bidet that gives him stock updates while it squirts his hole. That's good. I'll tell you this right now. I could afford a bidet and I probably should invest in one, but I haven't yet, but it's nice because then it makes it special when you're away on vacation. Spray your hole. It's very nice. Actually, the house that we stayed in when we were in Vancouver had a bidet and it had a dryer. So not only was I squirting the hole, I was blowing the hole. I was blowing it, dude. It was like a hairdryer. And after a while, if you left it on too long, it would start to feel too hot and it would start burning your ass. So I didn't love that. Yeah, let's, we have a picture of Addison? Yeah. I mean, this is exactly what you think a person named Addison is, is, you know, it looks like she's at a county fair or something. It's the coolest thing that ever happens in our town. She's like, right? I said hole. It's so fucking crazy that I said, I said spray his hole. Fuck you, Addison. That better not be a fucking, what's it called? A little crystal around your neck. Is that, you know, we're talking about, we've got all the symptoms of a Karen in the making here. You know what I mean? The sunglasses already, those, those scream, I'm going to yell at a minority in a parking lot in my forties. This one's from Nicole. Joe looks like every New York deli owner's son who swears he could have went pro if he didn't tears ACL. Close, close. Instead of a New York deli owner, he was a fireman. So we're very on brand still. But yeah, I did. That's, that's what it was. Unfortunately for me, I did tear my ACL after my athletic career was over. So that doesn't really help my case. But this one's, fair, I get it. You got a picture of Nicole. So apparently this photo is right before our show in Atlantic City last year, which if you're keeping up with fashion trends, no reason to be wearing ripped jeans. Those are out, baby. Those are out. So it is what it is. It's whatever. And I, you know, I don't want to be too mean here, but let's be honest, her with the sunglasses on, she looks like one of the three blind mice. Let's just get that out of the way right now. Okay. So we're going old fashioned trends and we got a little bit of a, you know, three blind mice going right now. Greg, that's not my dad in the background. Okay. He would never be wearing shorts. He only wears, he only wears what he calls dungarees. Okay. Which are just jeans. Uh, appreciate you coming to the show. Appreciate the roast. Thank you so much. Uh, you almost had it. Perfect. This next one is from Olivia. It's a video submission. Oh fuck. Hi, my name's Olivia, AKA Liv Biscuit. Pause, pause, pause right now. Pause right now. You sure you want to do this Liv Biscuit? Do I even have to make the jokes? Yo, Joe Sanagato, you ain't ready for these bars I'm about to drop, bro. The biscuit is on the track. Beef with me, there's no coming back. No redemption. Yeah. I think that you're in the top 1% of wealthy pricks. Pricks? You stand on all your money, you'll be five, six. Short? Low key, looking like a thumb person from Spy Kids with a beard. No shit. I'll toast your white ass, no grill required. Bars so hard that you'll be inspired. Management or apartment, you couldn't read. Should've taken that education higher, call your creed. Higher. You can handle a roast, say you can handle a few. But this is coming from the guy who struggles studying about this food. Fake is not the only supplemental meat that I'll supply you with. Between the man and the legend, you're the myth. You're a fake. Frankie is a ying to your yang. Without him, Joe is just a name. All right, I've had my fun. It's your turn now if you can get the w-w-w-w-w-word out. Drown into stutter, mic drop. I want to say, you know, the first thing I want to say is that wasn't bad. That was pretty good. And I fucking hated it. That's a vial of blood around her neck? See now I'm afraid to make jokes. She also has that tattoo across her chest that looks like a Ouija board. I don't know if I want to fuck with this. You know, you got a Ouija board tattoo and you have a vial of blood around your neck. I feel like there's a voodoo doll that she's being nice to at the moment, but we don't know if I piss her off if things will start happening. We don't know about that. Can I say something too? I knew that a lot of people would do the, oh, you're five foot two jokes in this thing. But her saying, standing on your money. And you're only five, six is hysterical. Also we asked people to just to do like a roast thing. I thought people were just going to write emails. She shot a rap video and shoved her dick in my face. She was like schlong. Damn bro, what the fuck. This girl looks like exactly what conservatives think everyone on the left looks like. You know what I'm saying? They're like you purple haired tattooed liberals. Yeah. I mean, I don't know that I have much to say. There's a lot going on in your bedroom. Uh, there's all the symptoms. You know, a midlife crisis at 20 years old is kind of crazy, you know, I mean you got the, you got the vial of blood, uh, which is very interesting. Uh, all the tapestry is, uh, concerning too, just feels weird, but, um, that was pretty good. I don't know that I, I don't have like the greatest rebuttal for this. I will say this. You should never do that again. I don't think there's a career in rapping for you. This next one's from Val. Joe looks like if Sid from toy story grew up and developed a porn addiction. I don't look like this anymore. I definitely did look like Sid at one point, except my forehead was bigger. I did look like Sid from toy story. I never like cut the heads off of my toys or anything like that, but I get the comparison. I get the comparison. Not bad. Not bad. Not bad. All right. We have another video submission from a guy named Dan. Hey Joe. Dan Johnson here. So you remind me of my favorite comedian, Adam Sandler, both hilarious. Seem pretty nice. Rich as fuck. But you both dressed like a four year old. Like did you piss off the gay community and they're dressing you as a joke? Listen, Dan, you're dressed exactly like I am. Okay. You have a red hat that's turned or you have a backwards hat on and a, and a jacket. I probably have the same jacket in a different color. How's this any different than me? And let's go over the eyebrows. Why are they triangular? That's how I used to draw birds when I was in, when I was younger, just in the background, just little triangles. Okay. You want to start flaming me? Like you're some fashionista dude. You're wearing the same shit that I would wear. And I don't even know what he said. What did he say at the end of it? Did you piss the gay community off or something? Did I piss off the gay community and now they're dressing me as a joke? Does that mean that the gay community is dressing me? That doesn't make any sense. I definitely don't dress like a four year old. Okay. This one's from someone named Adam. All right, guys. Look, all of this talk about Joe being short. It's just not fair. It's not fair. What? All right. Time out. Who is this man? Where is he from? Do you know where he's from? Oh, is he Scottish? He might be Irish. I don't know. One of the issues. He's Scottish. Irish. He's something. All right, guys. It's just not fair. It's not fair. Just because the only thing tall about Joe is his order from Starbucks does not mean we get to call him short. All right, guys. It's just not fair. Much love, guys. I'm not even gonna say anything. I don't even know what a tall order from Starbucks means. I'm assuming that means that, like, I don't know, like, I order a coffee with a lot of shit in it. Yeah, no. I actually have never been to Starbucks. I've never had coffee from Starbucks in my life, which is crazy. Greg's like, "Should we watch it again?" I feel like you put this in here for you. The guy. That was crazy. The guy seems so nice. He blew a kiss at us. Play that kiss again from the. 'Cause he kissed us goodbye. Much love, guys. My grandma has blown me kisses like that before. You know? He does kind of look like Ryan Seacrest. That's Adam, baby. What a nice guy. I feel bad. Even make fun of him. He seems like such a nice dude that he doesn't even know how to be mean to me. That was the most polite roast ever. A light roast from Starbucks. Bang. This is from Davis. "Joe looks like he would flirt with girls by telling them he eats a lot of pineapples so his nut tastes better." What the fuck, Davis? Someone's fucking horny. What the hell was that about? Yep. Yes. Yeah. Zoom in. Zoom in. We are like a centimeter away from being a Hitlerstache here. It's very scary. I can't make fun of this dude too much. He doesn't look too happy. He looks like he'd kick the shit out of me. What is he riding? This kid's riding a suitcase. A suitcase? What is that, dude? This picture is so unsettling. That is the weirdest way to roast somebody. You look like you probably tell girls you eat a lot of pineapples. What? No. I don't think I've ever said that in my life, but I've heard the myths about that, Davis. Anyway, you're built like a softball player. All right, before we move forward with this video, we do have a sponsor, and that is Rocket Money. 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And even if you think that you have, you know, you're on top of things, it's nice to go on Rocket Money and just make sure that you aren't paying for anything that you're not really using. And maybe it's something that you think you've been using, but then once you see it, you're like, oh, I'm paying $12 for this every single month, and I haven't used it in like four months. Maybe I should just get rid of it. It's a nice way to make sure that you're being responsible with your money. And like I said, with the budgeting app, there's that as well. Let's be financially responsible, okay? Let's start saving, ladies and gentlemen. And you can try Rocket Money out today and unlock more features with premium. Head to rocketmoney.com slash joe, okay? Or you can click the video, the link in the description. So go to rocketmoney.com slash joe to try it out today. Enjoy Rocket Money, folks. Oh, here we go, this piece of shit. Hey, guys, Jason Momoa here. Greg asked me to, it's not, it's Frank. Gotcha. You're probably confused. It's just Frank. We're not on Jason Momoa budget yet. Or maybe, I don't know. You've seen Joe's. Can we pause for a second? Can someone explain to me why every single white T-shirt that Frankie owns looks like he's worn it a minimum 100,000 times? They're barely white. They're barely hanging on. And it's like, why is there a general sense of, like, dirt? Like, what is that? I was asked to come here and roast Joe a little bit. So I just had some things. I wanted to get off my chest. And here you go. First of all, let me be very clear about something. I want to clear the air. Joe's height, okay? A lot of talk about Joe's height. This is actually what it is. Joe is actually 5'8", when he had the hair flip. And now he is 5'3", with god-awful bangs. All new holiday drinks are now at McDonald's. Like the Frosted Cranberry Splash with Sprite. The Red Bull Frosted Cranberry Energizer. And Cookie Bites. Hotter coffees. Tis the season for seasonal drinks at McDonald's. Uh. Oh, pause it! Pause it. He's reading a script, ladies and gentlemen. Back it up! He paused for laughter. Yeah, bro, you're not on stage. Okay, relax, bro. He's like, yeah, now he's 5'8", with bangs. Look at him, look at him, look at him. Look, watch his eyes, watch his eyes. He's reading a script. Uh. He's reading! He glanced, he glanced at it, he glanced at a script. Let's see what else you got, Frank. What else is in that little joke book you got over there, buddy? I don't know if you guys heard, but Joe actually ran a marathon last year. That's it. Wow, wrote that one down! Glad you wrote that one down, Frank! *laughs* *claps* *claps* He's like, "Joe ran a marathon." *claps* Am I right? What's my next joke? Alright, this next one is from Julia. "The second graders I teach have a bigger vocabulary than you, and most of them just arrived in the country last month." This doesn't even feel like a joke. It feels like Julia's pretty pissed at me. SHUT THE FUCK UP! *laughs* That's not, that's not Julia! You're telling me The Undertaker is teaching second graders, dude? *laughs* I don't even know what to say, really. Honestly. And, where are the eyebrows? That's what I want to know. I want to know where do the eyebrows go, why do we think that they could just be straight lines? Why did we think that? I'll tell you what. *laughs* I'll tell you what. The conservatives are not going to be happy about this one. *laughs* WHO'S TEACHING MY SECOND GRADE DAUGHTER?! Uh, my vocabulary is actually right where it needs to be. I think I have a pretty good vocabulary. It's nothing too serious. Just for, like, a 30-year-old run-of-the-mill kid. Like, I think it's pretty decent. Uh, you know. We all can't be teaching second graders in clown makeup, but. *laughs* This next one's from Hannah. They say never meet your heroes. Well, I did. And I had to bend down a significant amount to make sure he was in the picture. YOU SON OF A BITCH, HANNAH! *laughs* This is on stage at Radio City. And I remember Hannah, she came to both shows. She was sitting in the front at both shows. And she's from, oh my god, where is she from? Manitoba? I think? Or something like that? She was very tall. And I was going to make a comment about that at the show. But then I looked down and she wasn't wearing heels. And I was like, I. *laughs* This is gonna kill me, honestly. I called her out of the crowd. And I was like, "Hey, come up here." And as soon as she walked up, I was like, "This is really not gonna go well for me." Because now all the short jokes are going to manifest. To be fair, she's at least 6'2". Uh, so it doesn't really help. This does make me look like an ant. *laughs* I'm in agreement on that. Hannah, always gonna remember you. Okay? The night of Radio City. She came up there. Towered over me. Made me look like a child. Thanks a lot. Ruined my life. Alright, this next one's from Dennis. Hi, Joe. First of all, please come to Sweden with the boys and do a show. Second of all, you look like my unshaved ball sack. Second of all. *laughs* My unshaved ball sack. You just look like me, but Swedish, dude. Like, we look the same, kind of. Alright? You just look like me, but Swedish. And you got a goatee. Dude, it's not 2004. So we gotta retire that. I don't really have much to say to this. Uh, I don't look like your ball sack. And if I do, great looking ball sack. Good job for you, dude. You're Swedish and you got a great looking ball sack? Proud of you, Dennis. This is Faith. You look like you were the kid that got handed their test papers face down. *laughs* That's funny. Uh, yes and no. I was a pretty good student growing up. 85s, 90s, somewhere like that. Um, those started to go downhill as I got older. Uh, yeah, I've definitely got some hand. I've definitely got some face down tests, you know, in my life. I'm just like, okay, here. Then they just keep their finger on it until you look at them and they're like. *laughs* Talk to me after class. I've had teachers write. Like, give me a test score and then draw, like, a frowny face. And I'm like. *laughs* That's when you know it's bad. When they're drawing, like, faces like, "Hmm, you're so dumb." I'm like, "Fuck." Alright, next we have Shannon. It says, "Don't get me wrong, Joe is hot." *laughs* But then I look at his weird-ass sausage fingers and think a dildo will suffice. What the fuck are you talking about? Do I have dildo? I have dildos? Oh, sauce. I have sausage fingers? I don't have sausage fingers. You would rather a dildo than this? I feel like this would be good. Listen, Shannon. Now I have a whole other thing to unpack in therapy. Thanks a lot. Not something I ever thought about until now. And I'll just be staring at my hands for the rest of the afternoon. So thanks so much. I'm gonna have to lose hand weight now. I don't even know. That's. Fuck. This is a mystery person. It says, "Joe has made a career of being the second funniest person on his own podcast." *laughs* He's also proven that sometimes you can get by on looks alone. This sounds like it could be any single one of my friends. To be honest with you, it could be any of them. Uh, do I agree with what they're saying? I don't think so. Did you write this one? It wasn't you? I mean, it could be anybody. I have no idea. Ryan Lynch. Of course, dude! Of course it's Ryan Lynch! First of all, Ryan, I know the only reason why you submitted to this video is because you want me to plug your TikTok. I'm desperately trying to get to 10k. And he's at 9500. Go follow the guy so he doesn't off himself. Alright? But yeah, thank you, Ryan. I appreciate it. Uh, never putting you in a Santa Claus Studios video ever again. Hope it was worth it, jerk. This one is from Marisol. "Joe looks like if a kid got his wish to be an adult for 24 hours, but the only thing about him that changes is his face." *laughs* I don't know why that's funny. But I don't even know how to be offended by that, to be honest with you. So wait, can we see a picture of Marisol? This is the millennial final boss right here. Okay? There is no reason for you to be posing in a figure four. Alright? I don't know what this is. But it's bad. It's bad. I know that there's an eat, pray, love, or like a live, laugh, love, wine sign in your house. I can just tell. This photo looks like it could have been taken on an iPhone 2. Like, it's not great. This last one's from Olivia. "Joe looks like a Teemu Nick Jonas." Down to the teeth! Yeah, honestly, like, if people ask me, like, "Oh, who's your doppelganger or whatever the fuck celebrity lookalike?" I will say Nick Jonas. I think that we do look similar. You know, the teeth could be better. *laughs* You know? Uh, but what are you gonna do? People like Nick Jonas? I'll take it. I'll take it. You know, take your dubs when you can. It is what it is. Teemu Nick Jonas feels disrespectful a little. But I'm okay with it. I'm okay with it, Nick. We have to stick together here. Alright? We're relying on other parts of our physical bodies to impress people. It is what it is. This is the Olivia. You don't get to send me a roast and then put your wedding photo that's been professionally edited. You son of a bitch. I mean, you looked great on your wedding. God bless. It's a very nice dress. But let's be honest, 50% of them don't last and yours probably is not special. So it probably will end in heartbreak. You know? And it will be a horrible day. And I am sympathetic to that. But those are just the statistics. You want to put the wedding photo in there, I'm going to say there's a coin flip of a divorce in the future. Alright? Who knows what could happen. Thank you to everyone who sent in your roasts. We appreciate it. Don't forget to subscribe and we'll see you next time. See you next time.