I Have Tattoos. Here's Why They're A Bad Idea.

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The world was shaking as the news of this event slammed into the planet like an asteroid the size of a stadium, leaving a gaping crater in the Earth's crust. The whole world was shaken. Everything changed. Nothing will ever be the same again. Congresswoman Nancy Mace got some tattoos. Now, we'll put the images up on the screen for those who find the claim wildly implausible. There they are. It's proof. The pictures that Nancy Mace took to show the world her new tattoos, there are a lot of them on both arms. There are two whole sleeves of tattoos. There are some flowers and some religious imagery and some random phrases and also the word justice. There is no justice in the world, but now at least we have it on Nancy Mace's left bicep. So that's something. Now, I know about these tattoos not because I was seeking information about Nancy Mace's tattoos or Nancy Mace in general, but because multiple media outlets issued urgent reports on the subject. USA Today, The New York Post, Yahoo, Newsweek, The Hill, The Daily Beast, The Huffington Post, which evidently is the most important. All put their best reporters on the Nancy Mace tattoo beat. There was so much conversation about the tattoos that Snopes published a fact check title. Does Nancy Mace have arm tattoos? And there then follows an entire article to inform us that the answer is yes, she does have arm tattoos. That's it. That's the fact check. Now, I have nothing further to say on the subject of Nancy Mace's tattoos in particular, but this breathtaking development did prompt another round of discussion. And debate about tattoos in general. You know, everyone seems to have them now, if not everyone, then a lot of people do. A recent survey finds that 32% of Americans have a tattoo. In fact, more women than men are now sporting tattoos. And more than half of women between the ages of 18 and 49 have at least one tattoo. More than half. Now, that number drops off a little bit for women over 50, but Nancy Mace, who is almost 50, is determined to pad those stats. Now, back in the old days, you know, only bikers and prison inmates had tattoos, and they were all men. And now the average 23-year-old college graduate, who's a female, has the kinds of permanent skin markings that used to be exclusively the province of large men with felony convictions. Now, some people consider this a bad thing, a sign of cultural decline. Others say that it's a good thing. You know, it's a sign that the culture is becoming more accepting of individuals. And you may think that I am in no place to litigate this issue objectively. After all, I have a tattoo right here. It's the Cairo on my forearm that I got when I was in my early 20s. I have another tattoo across on the opposite shoulder that I also got in my early 20s. And in fact, I have a third tattoo. I have the words thug life printed across my stomach, but I don't like to talk about that one. So let's just call it two tattoos for the sake of argument. So will I now stand? Up alongside my fellow tatted Americans, my brothers and sisters of the ink and defend the beauty and virtue of tattoos? Well, the answer is, in fact, no, I won't. I actually agree mostly with the tattoo critics. I think this whole tattoo thing has gotten way out of hand. Everybody needs to stop with the tattoos. OK, it's too much. Now, to be clear, I'm not saying that I regret my tattoos per se. They're both meaningful in the sense that they obviously denote my Christian faith. At least I didn't get like a tribal armband permanently branding myself as a guy who loved Three Days Grace in 2002. At least I didn't get a Chinese symbol that was popular for a while that I was told means harmony or whatever, but really just means Kung Pao chicken with fried rice. At least I didn't get random words or designs. At least I didn't get a Disney character. So I'm not embarrassed by the tattoos. I don't feel the need to explain them, except for right now. My take on my own tattoos is this. I don't have any urge to get them removed, but I also would absolutely never get another one. If I could go back in time, in a time machine, would I have still gotten these tattoos? Probably not, mostly because if I'm going back in a time machine, I don't want to waste the day sitting in a tattoo park. My tattoos are fine, but I've got bigger problems in my life, at the very least. Hot nights have a way of turning sleep into a nightly negotiation. You flip the pillow, you kick off the covers, you turn up the air conditioning, and you still wake up feeling like you barely slept. Helix has cooling upgrades designed to help you stay comfortable and get better rest, even when the temperature refuses to cooperate. 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But they're way too common and trendy to be individual. Like, saying that your tattoos are a form of individual expression, it's like saying that your blue jeans are a part of or a form of individual expression. Now, your blue jeans might look fine or they might not, but one thing they will never be is individualistic. And at least with the blue jeans, you can take them off and change them. Getting a tattoo, it's like picking out your favorite style of blue jeans and making a blood oath to only wear those jeans, including in the pool, in the shower, and to bed for the rest of your life. A stylistic choice, which is what blue jeans are and what tattoos are, should never be permanent. There is no upside to pledging yourself to that choice until the end of your days. Whether it's jeans or a haircut or a t-shirt or a little fun design on your skin, it is a style choice. And you have to allow for the fact that at some point in your life, your style might change. Now, what about expression? You know, tattoos are most assuredly not individualistic at all anymore. But are they at least a form of expression? Well, sort of, yes, but only in the way that bumper stickers are expressions. You know, I often think this about bumper stickers, and I think it was Louis C.K. that had, or somebody has a bit about, which I'm sure is more insightful and funnier than what I'm about to say. But piggybacking on the point, when you put a bumper sticker on your car, you are engaging in expression. But you're signing yourself on to that particular expression, whatever it is, which will be conveyed to anyone who happens to be behind you in traffic, whoever that is, for as long as you own that car. Now, sure, maybe you find a bumper sticker that's kind of funny. But could any bumper sticker joke? Could any bumper sticker joke possibly be funny enough that you want to tell it to every single person you ever pass in traffic for the next 11 years? Like, it's just not possible that anyone could ever put something on a bumper sticker that justifies that level of commitment and repetition. So, for example, I saw a bumper sticker recently that said, No airbags, we die like real men. And it was kind of funny, I admit. It was the first time I'd seen that. And I saw that. And I thought, ah, funny. But is that joke really so funny that you need to go around telling it to everyone, hundreds of people a day, for years? Like, you would never do that in person. You would never go to a party, introduce yourself to 27 people, and open with the same joke. Like, you go up to one person, hey, I'm Bob. You know, I don't have airbags. Yeah, I die like a real man. Then you walk across the room, hey, Bob here. Guess what? And then you go over to the person standing by the veggie tray. Hey, name's Bob. I don't know if you heard about the whole airbag situation. Yeah, I don't have them. Like, eventually the joke gets old, is the point. It actually gets old really quickly. So, affixing it to your vehicle in a manner that cannot be removed without taking paint with it makes no sense. So, the bumper sticker is expression, but it's a stock, cliched expression that is conveyed the same way to everyone forever, which makes it hardly expression at all. And tattoos are the same, but worse, because they're on your body, and they require a medical procedure to remove, if they can be removed. Again, you're expressing something, but it's a stock, cliched, prepackaged thing that you're announcing to everybody forever, always, which is to say it's hardly expression at all. It's like Hallmark card expression at best. And you would never commit yourself to only one Hallmark card, for the next six decades. So, why would you commit yourself to a design on your body? Here's what I can tell you. As a 40-year-old man, cursed to live with the stylistic choices of a 23-year-old man, I never wake up and look at my arm and say, oh, glad that's still there. Thank God. Thank God that's still there. I am so happy with that decision. No middle-aged adult feels that way about the tattoos they got when they were young. None of them. That kind of tattoo euphoria cannot be maintained, if you ever experience it at all. Instead, I generally wake up, and I don't think about it. In fact, I go days, and I forget that I even have the tattoo. And when I remember, you know, I shrug my shoulders and I say, yep, so there's that. And anybody in my vicinity asks me why I'm talking to my own arm. Anyway, the tattoo is not worth it in the end. You know, if you want to spend $700, go buy an iPad or a used couch or dinner at Five Guys. The tattoo is not a worthwhile investment for anyone, including Nancy Mace. And that is why tattoos are today canceled.