“I Had No Confidence” Perrie Edwards: The Shy Girl Who Became a Pop Star

Welcome to Weird Talking. In this episode, I sit down with Perry Edwards to look back at the childhood that shaped her and the ex-factor moment that changed her life. What I didn't realise is that you moved around quite a bit when you were younger. We make fun of it now, like me and my brother make fun of my mum and she's like it's not funny. I mean like no but it's great like it was an adventure. But I think from the early age I think I was about six months when my dad left and my mum was like a single mum grown up, she had two kids, I think she struggled a lot. But we just moved here there everywhere, like basically in South Shields, there's like loads of areas. And we lived in all of them as we moved to Weymouth, I remember going to school for a while, we lived there for like a year or two, moved back to South Shields. My mum's partner at the time I stepped out at the time was Kiwi, he was from New Zealand, so we ended up moving to New Zealand. Okay, that's how you got to New Zealand. Yeah. And how was that experience for you? The best experience of my entire life. Really? It was like everything you could imagine it being, it was that, it was beautiful, it was like serene, it was peaceful, the people were incredible. All lifestyles, like mine and my brother's lifestyle completely changed because we'd never been used to something like that. And I think we had school, we made friends, we were out and about all the time, but my mum she just felt really lonely, so she didn't work out there. So she got into bacon, gained a lot of work because all she did was bake and she was like, I don't know if I can be away from my family, that my granddad got really sick, so I just remember coming home one day. And my mum sat me and my brother down and she was like, we're moving back to England, I mean, Johnny will like, no, please, no, we love it here. It's just like, I know, but granddad's poorly and I can't bear being away, like, I'd never forgive myself if anything happened and I'm not there. And when you're a kid, you're like, you're ruining my life, like this is so unfair. And my brother was so like popular and like, because he was British, it was just like, well, I don't think. Yeah, he was cool. Yeah, he was so cool. He was like pretty emo back then, he used to wear a top hat and eyeliner, like he was the sickest dude, he still is. And I just remember being a heartbroken thinking, please, can we just stop moving around like I've had enough, right the other side of the world. And then we went back now that I'm an adult, I see it completely different when I was a kid, I used to think, oh, my mum's dragging me back to England, I don't want to go back to England. I've got a life here now and I've got best friends, I've got crushes at school and like, it was a whole lifestyle. And it was just gone. And then we moved back, we had to live with my Nana for a while in her little bungalow, because we had no way to live for a while. And then we eventually found our house in White Lays, which is where I basically grew up from 12. So all of that that you just described happened before you were 12. Yes. That's a lot. When you reflect back, how do you think that entire period shaped who you've become today? Well, one, it made me good at meeting new people, I think, but I think it's because I had to. But like, all of this was going on. Not only was my mum a single mum, and we're moving around so much, but I was really badly ill as a child as well, which I've spoke about a little bit in the past, but not like in massive detail. Can we? Yeah, of course. I spoke about it recently. I did a show with Alison Hammond. Yes. And she gets right. She is the nation sweet heart. She's a goji hun love her. She just has me cackling all day. But we did like, we went back to South Shields, and I told her a bit about like hospital and growing up, but I spent a lot of time in hospital. But basically when I was born, I had something wrong with my esophagus, and that's obviously your food tube, so where food goes down. Every time my mum would feed me milk or whatever, I would just project, I'll vomit the milk back out. And my mum was like, something's obviously not right. This isn't normal. So she took me to doctors. Nobody could find anything wrong with me. Maybe she's just a sicky baby. It's the way she is. I'm sitting now. This is this is off, but okay. So I guess I'll just monitor it. I got to about, honestly, I remember I was probably seven when they discovered there was actually something seriously wrong. But I was severely undernourished. I couldn't eat a thing. Couldn't keep food down. My mum had to blend my food for years. And they didn't as we're in the blender, soup, mash, all that kind of thing, and she went to doctor after doctor after doctor, and I'll never forget it. We went to see this specialist, right, and went in, did the blood tests. They tried to put a camera down my throat to see. The first time that even tried, couldn't get it in, and they were like, right, the camera, bearing in mind, it's tiny. It's a little wire with the camera at the end that goes down, and they can see it all on the screen. They couldn't even get that down my esophagus. I was researching this. So this is a software. You're going to have to pronounce it for me. Is it a software-gill atresia? I think so, yeah. Yeah, you're probably better at it than I am. And I was looking at diagrams of this, and it's incredible because to your point is that your esophagus makes to your stomach, but your esophagus did not connect. It basically, when I was a baby, it's like your windpipe, I think, and your esophagus are like one. When you're born, they kind of separate. And usually it's quite common in boys. It's not really seen in girls that it wasn't 32 years ago when I was born. So when it kind of separated, it came with like a saddle on its back almost, and it had like a curve in it. And it was just like something was wrong, but they could never find it. And then finally they found it. And I remember someone saying to me, "Dallana, are you hungry? Do you want to eat?" And I said, "I'm starving. I really want to eat." I don't want to eat food out of a blender anymore. I want to eat food. So they sent me to a head. She was incredible, Miss Lawson, Dr. Anne Lawson, my absolute queen. And she basically saved me, but I was in hospital every other week. Look at that. For operations, yeah. Look at that. It shows you the importance of asking the right questions. It was so bad. Like the doctors were like, if you didn't persevere with your daughter, this would have been it. Like there was, I had nothing left to give. I was just skin and born. Like it was wild. And then that is then resolved. You're able to get nutrition. So it's probably good alive. Yeah, almost. It got worse before it got better because then the acid from my stomach came up and burnt a hole in my esophagus. And that was the whole new bowl game. But I feel like, luckily I was in the perfect hands. The care was incredible. I was there like every other week for an operation. So I was used to being put to sleep. I used to like sing to them. If you like sing us a song, you know, instead of counting down from turn, I would be like, if I went, I loved it. Was it love for the time that you remember singing? Yeah, I've sung forever. I've sung forever. It's just something I've done, but both my parents are singers. Okay. So I thought that was normal. I thought everyone just sung until I heard people who were told deaf and I was like, why is that? That's not right. It read through me. I'm fascinated by that. Yeah. All right. So you would sing yourself to sleep, basically. Yeah. I sung myself to sleep every day in the hospital. Yeah. Right. And I did not know this about you. I would imagine this is also impacting how your character shapes. Yes. And now when you reflect back, how do you think those moments have impacted who we see today? I think, you know, I have therapy every Friday. Absolutely loved my therapy. And we got to the point in one of the sessions. And I kept saying like, sometimes when I'm feeling anxious and I'm in a car or I'm in traffic or I'm in certain situations, I start to feel a bit trapped. And we kind of discovered that my whole upbringing and my whole childhood, I was in a body that wasn't working. And that must have felt like it was almost a little bit claustrophobic being in a body that wasn't doing the right functions. But I couldn't escape it and I couldn't help it. So I think part of it kind of comes from that. Part of the maybe the uncertainty and the unsteadiness comes from moving around so much. So I think like so much of my upbringing has a part to play in one way. I'm sort of a bus, but also why I probably have a few little issues going on. But isn't it so incredible to be able to do that reflection? Yes. So now that you can pinpoint those things, how does that make you feel now? It made me feel kind of like, okay, I never thought of it like that. I never thought of like, because when you're a child, you just crack on with it, don't you? Don't really think about things. I wasn't sat in the hospital being like, poor me. I was just like, oh, I'm in hospital. Well, okay, this is my life. It was the cards I was dealt. So I think as a kid, you just crack on with it. But now that I'm an adult, now I've got a child as well, I can't imagine being in the shoes that my mom had to walk in for all those years, being a single mother, trying to keep us afloat, whilst also spending every other day in hospital. And I was a clingy child as well. Like, there was never a time where my mom wasn't sat in that chair in the hospital, because I would just be terrified without her. without her. Yeah. So I'm thinking how did she do it? Yeah, and now because you're a mother, right? I'm a father and the majority of my day is spent thinking about my children. Absolutely. You know, so you think, when they are, I always say that, as a parent, tell me if you feel this way, is that the limit of my happiness is my child's happiness. Yeah, I agree. And so if my child is sad, I'm inevitably sad. I echo their emotion. Yeah. So I can't imagine having a child who is in and out of the hospital. Mm-hmm. And you feel like there's nothing you can do. You know, you think about, you know, how incredible your mother was. Yeah. It's just next love. She's such a badass. Yeah. She's the best. Yeah. She really is. You're blessed to have her. No, I know. I couldn't do life without my mom. Like, I'm attached to the woman's hip. She's here somewhere. She's with me all the time. Is she literally here? Yeah, she's literally. Oh, good. She's like here in this studio. Yeah, you know what I'm people say? It takes a village. It doesn't. It takes steps. Like for me, it takes steps. Debs does everything. She's the handyman around the house. She helps me with Axel. Like, she's my queen of life. Wow. Yeah. Wow, look at that. She's epic. Look at this. She is. I'm going to have to meet her after this. She's the best ever. So when did you find out about the, is it congenital insomnia? Of not being able to smell? That came later in my life. Look at that. You're gifted. I was like, woo, I'm special. There was two occasions, which is true. I don't know how I got my whole life. I was in secondary school. Probably about 13 years or maybe. OK. But I don't know how I got through my life, not knowing that I couldn't smell until then. But there was two occasions. One, I remember being in school. And like, you know, there's like misty sprays that all the girlies were in, too. And it was like a thing. And you'd wear like your victorious secret mists or your blue jeans or red jeans or whatever. It was the thing the girlies did. And I remember the girls like spraying it. They were like, oh my gosh, I'll smell this one. And I'd be like, hmm, I really don't get it. Like, I don't understand what you're doing. And they're like, well, don't you think that one smells nice and then that one. And I'm like, I guess, like, I don't know. Interesting. We had them, our kitchen set on fire once. And there was like, smoke. And I couldn't smell it. And tell us about a coffin. And then I was like, well, hang on. Something's not right, but I couldn't smell any burn and couldn't smell like the burnt toast or whatever it was. Just went straight over my head. And another thing actually, when I was a kid, my brother would be like, oh, mom's making bacon sandwiches. And I'd be like, how do you do that? Like, he would just know we'd be upstairs. And he'd be like, oh, mom's making a roast dinner. And I think how, but how? And he said, I can smell it from a piano. And I'm like, smell what? Wow. So then I thought, something's not right. So I went to the doctors. And how old were you? I think I was about 13. I must have been, so I was secondary school. OK. So yeah, I was 13. And then we went to the hospital again, half I go. I'm like, the regular. And I was like, I don't think I can smell. And they run tests and it's really strange because I can taste everything, but normally they're connected. So I think there's like a disconnect between my brain and my sense of smell or something. But I had surgery, didn't work. And they were like, we'll probably have to do the surgery again. So I think they lay, so I'd like loads of stuff away in my nasal passageway. OK. And it was a horrible surgery. And the recovery was horrendous. So when they suggested a second one, I thought, you know what, I'm good. I'd rather not smell anyway. And I've never had it. So I don't know what I'm missing. So you cannot smell to this today? No, still can't smell. It didn't work. Oh my god, really? Yeah. So when you walked into the room, you couldn't smell this. There's some beautiful scented areas. Oh, no, I'm so sorry. It's wasted on me. It really is. I can't smell a thing. Not a thing. OK. So help me understand this. Right. Yeah. I mean, because I can see there could be some advantages to this. Yes, helpful for Trumpies, pumps and whatnot. Yes. Yeah, you could just go in and do it. Yep. So I've often read that when you have one sense that's diminished, another one will try to overcompensate. Yeah. Hearing, sight, taste. So did you feel like that happened for you? My sight is really good, touch wood. OK. And my taste is really good. I feel like if you blindfold me and you give me something, I'll tell you the ingredients. This is why you're a foodie. Yeah, this is why I'm a foodie. Also, because I couldn't eat it for my whole life. So now I'm like, gobble, gobble, gobble. Yes. So now I can eat. OK, so you're the taste. But probably all the sense as well, probably feel you said your sight, right? Yes, I love, I say, I'm a visual eater as well. I love food to look good. I love when it looks all artsy and gorgeous, like whenever I dish up, even if it's beans on toast, I make it pretty. John, I mean, make it a bit fancy. That eat with my eyes. And I just love food so much. But I think it's because I was deprived of it for so long. My dad always says, you're making up for lost time, darling. Because I can put it away. Like, all you can eat buffet, hate to say me coming. I've got a whole lot of eggs, I think. Oh, you might, you might, you might. But wow, that's so fascinating to know that you cannot smell. But you are no longer interested. And it was because of the pain of the surgery. Yeah, I just thought it's not worth it. If I had it, like people through COVID lost their sense of smell, right? That's true. And it really like traumatized them or affected them. And they didn't like it. And it was like a change. But because I never had it, I thought, what's the point? If it was taste, I'd probably be like, send me under. Let's get my taste sorted out. But smell, I'm like, what do I need it for? What do you need it for? You know, so on that note is I didn't realize how prevalent this is. But there's a significant percentage of the population who lose a sense, I will say. And then it literally have to exist, you know, without it. So this just, it's just so interesting. And I think maybe I'm looking at it from a place of privilege, knowing what it's like to have it and lose it because during COVID, I remember getting COVID, and losing my ability to smell. It impacted taste as well. And I just, it was so unbearable. But it's because it's different. It's not what you used to, it's like a shift. Yeah, I'm totally cool with it. But I find it crazy when, you know, I'll be doing whatever. And my little boy will be like, oh, that smells nice. And I'm like, you kept it. I find it fascinating because I'm like, how can he smell? But I can't. And then Alex is like, because people smell, babe. And I'm like, yeah, but I don't. He could have ended up like me. But when I do the washing with him, I'm like, is this fresh or dirty? And he's like stinky mama. I'm like, thank you, darling. Like he helps me with the washing and like all that's that he's so funny. And he can smell everything. He's so good. Oh, heaven forbid we go to the supermarket and the fish is laid out on the ice. I hate that smell mama. Please, not the fish. Kates the smell of fish. And I'm just pushing him in the toilet and now this is sick. This is so cool that you can smell. Yeah, look at that. It makes me so happy. So I'm like, live and buy curiously through him. And it's smell. And it shows you how much appreciation we should all have. Yeah, the ability to smell. Exactly. You know, yeah, I love it for him. All right. So then if we can talk about singing. Yes. Okay. So this is 13, 14 when you're dealing with scent. Yeah. Right. But between 14 and 17. It sounds like you've already started singing as a passion. Yes. Right. At what point do you begin to think I want to do this beyond just a passion? Oh gosh, that one took me a while because I was quite shy like I was painfully shy, but I loved singing. So I was the type of kid that would lock myself in my room for hours until I could hit like the Christian Aguilera notes, the Celine Dion, the pink. Like I'd sit in my room for hours. It was like homework to me. If I heard a song and it had big notes and refs in it that I wanted to kind of replicate. I'd be like, I'm going to get I'm not leaving this room until I get it. Like I would sit for hours and hours by myself just singing. It was just the best feeling. Like it gives me a feeling like inside that just makes me feel like giddy, especially when I hit the notes that I've been like practicing or whatever. So singing was just a passion that was like undeniable in my life. I just loved it so much. Did you ever, and I'm sure you've thought a lot about this, is have you identified what the catalyst was? Right, because talking, I've talked to so many incredible musicians, young blood, gemelia, right, Cheryl Lloyd, right. And what I've noticed is this commonality around almost escapism. So almost I'm singing to not do this or singing because I don't want to be involved in this. So I'm singing to express myself because I can't do it over here. Yeah. Did you find that there was any link between your singing and something happening, something else happening in your life? I think just anything like I wasn't academically bright at school. I wasn't interested in learning. Sounds terrible, but I wasn't. If it was music and dance and drama, I was like A Star student. I got A's and B's in that. But math, English, science, forget it. I was like bore off. I'd just sit with a Bunsen burner and have a bit of fun, do you know what I mean? But I couldn't help it. It just wasn't there. I didn't have, I tried, it just wasn't there, whereas I knew singing was like my escape, it was my thing, it was what I was really good at. So I found that quite early on, luckily, but then I started to worry thinking, I remember sobbing that I filled my GCSEs, and my mom was like, it's okay, darling, you're gonna be a singer. And I was like, why is such an irresponsible parent? I'm never gonna get a job. And she was like, but you're not gonna need a job, you're gonna be a singer. Like, stop saying that, you don't know that for sure. Like, she was so chill, and I'm thinking, how am I not getting a bologn right now if my mom for failing school? But she was like, babe, like, it doesn't matter, it's not the be all in end or the grades, I get it. Yes, I wish you did better, and you probably are good, but you're so gifted, and I know you're gonna make it, and I'm like, how many people say this to their children, and do you know what I mean? So I thought nothing of it. - But isn't that interesting that you didn't, so when you fail those, which I didn't realize you, right, I mean, you know, it's one of those where I could see you being scared of prospects, career prospects, and you're probably what, 17, 16, 17? - Yeah, well, 15. I'm like a young, I'm a summer baby, so I went to prom and everything when I was 15. - Okay, so 15, but your mother believed in you to the point where she said, no, you're going to be a singer, you're going to be a singer. - I thought she was nuts. At what point did you actually believe her? - I think I, like, don't get me wrong. I can't sit here and be like, oh, I didn't know I was that good. I knew I was gifted with the singing, but I had no confidence whatsoever. So like singing in school shows or talent shows, like I would sing with my friends, and it'd be a thing, but I would never, I was never one to grab the mic and be the center stage and be center of attention. That was my worst nightmare. I hated that. Yet my mom was constantly in the background, like pushing and pushing and pushing. And I remember she took me to an audition in Sunderland for a West End show because I love musical theater. Like, I'm such a musical theater geek. And she wanted me to audition. And I was like, I don't want to do it. I'm embarrassed, I don't want to go. I'm really scared, like I'm terrified. I'm not into it. But I know my musical theater is so over the top and confident and you walk in a room and everybody's like, me, me, me, me, me, la, la, la, la, la, la, and I was just like, I remember getting my sticker with my number on. I remember thinking, get me out now. And I came, she dropped me off two seconds later, I'm stomping out the door and I'm like, I'm not good at it. She's like, what do you mean you're not going in? I was like, you can't force me. And she was like, yes, I can. And I was like, no, you can't. And then we had a bit of an argument on the stage. And then she was like, you have this gift and you don't want to share it with anybody. You're so talented, why can't you see that? This is incredible. Your gift is mind-blowing. You don't say it. And I'm like, I do say it, but I want to do it in my bedroom. I don't want to do it with people staring at me. And then X-Factor dropped the age, because at the time I think you had to be 16, 17 or something to audition. And they dropped the age that year. My mom was like, I think you should go for X-Factor. And I was like, not a chance. Or she was like, look, if they tell you you can't sing and you don't make it, we've tried. I will leave you alone forever. I won't make you sing if it's not what you want to do, fair enough, but please can you just try so that you can hear from other people like you're good rather than me. She was like, 'cause you don't believe me when I tell you that you're great. And I'm curious, was there anyone in your life at that point also saying that you were great at singing? Or was it only your mother? My dad, being a singer himself, he knew that I had a great voice. Okay. My brother always knew I was a great singer, but it was kind of just like us friends would be like, oh my God, baby, that's such a good singer. But it wouldn't be anything. Yeah. It wouldn't be like, this is great. Like my mom was my biggest cheerleader. So she wanted the world to like, she wanted me to showcase it. Interesting, but it sounds like you didn't fully believe her. No, I didn't at all. Okay, you thought she was just me and mom. Yeah. Everyone tells their kids they're special. But it's actually a special job which he is. But I was like, Mom, you love me regardless. Like you think I'm great, but I might not be that good. I know I'm good, but I don't know if I'm ex-facts are winning material good. Yes. And then just before the auditions, Newcastle cancelled. And she came in my room at four o'clock in the morning and she was like, your bag's all packed. We're going to Glasgow. And I was like, I beg your pardon. We're going to the ex-factor auditions in Glasgow and I thought, oh, she's still at it. She's still trying to push this. So I thought, oh, my gosh, rocked out of bed, put a big jacket on with a big hood because I thought if any of my friends see me on TV, it's game over. So I put my hood on, went to the auditions, got through all the stages, got to the judges, and I was a song like Larry the Lamb. I didn't know I had such a vibrato in me. You're really? I was that nervous and I've never experienced nerves for Kelly where I'm trying to sing something and my voice is doing something different. And I remember thinking, oh, God, I sound awful. So I don't know how I even got through, but I think they could see something in me maybe. And then the further I got, and I remember, I'll never forget it. I got through and I got a null at bootcamp. And I remember ringing my mum and I was like, Mum, come get me, I hate this. Everyone's so confident and I'm just not. I want to come home, I have to give it a go. Please let me come home. And she was like, darling, how come and get you where are you? Like I had to tell her where the house was in the middle of nowhere for bootcamp. She was ready to come. And I rang her back and I was like, Mum, I'm back in. And she was like, wow, I'm like, they've told me I'm back in. I don't know why, maybe they're going to start making groups or something. And my mum went, do you know what, darling? If you're lucky and God is watching, you'll be put in a group. And I was like, thinking, oh, she has, you don't know. You've pushed me here, and now you say, I'm not good enough. That's what I'm saying. I thought, you're joking now. But I knew what she meant now, because she was like, you're so gifted, but you have no confidence. Like I did not have it. So she's like, if you're lucky, they'll put you in a group. So try and get in a group. And I was like, all right, then. And I remember getting put in the group. And I was like, it's nearly some confidence. Just came out of me. Oh, the moment though, before your mum gave the prayer around you, you get into your group. You had been denied, right? So you were going home. Yes. How did you end up staying? So we got called back into a room. And they were like, we're looking at maybe doing groups this year. Like we're really keen on finding some groups, whether we have to make them ourselves or whatever. So we think you're all talented, but we're just trying to, like, work some things around. And we were in two different girl groups originally. So Mae Jessi and two other girls were in a group. Jadley Ann and another girl were in a group. Both auditioned again. We were put through so much on X Factor. We were here there. We were thrown here there and everywhere. It was a lot. It was definitely a learning curve for me. Yes. And again, someone who's not very confident, I was thinking, oh my gosh, like what is going on? And yeah, we eventually, we got nose again. I thought, I'm coming, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going. And then they called four names on stage and it was Mae Jessi, Lee Ann and Jad. And they just said, do you want to be in a group? And we were like, yeah? And then we won. Look at that. Look at that. Look at that. And if you want to hear the full unfiltered stories from today's guest, you can check them out on the We Need to Talk page. Drop a like, leave a comment, and hit subscribe. See you next week.