I don't want to deal with it!!

Welcome to Mostly Mindful for teens and tweens, hosted by Dominic Sullivan of the Zen Librarian. Blending science and spirituality in innovative ways that make sense in our modern world. Thank you for spending time with me today as we break down mindfulness, tell a few stories, and practice a few new skills. Episode 12. I don't want to deal with it. There are so many times in our lives that we are resistant to things that are going on. And sometimes we just don't ideal with it, whether it be emotions or stuff or a project or homework or, you know, kind of anything. Sometimes we need to take a moment and really think about it and say, "What am I like resisting here? What's going on?" And like, "Why do I just want to avoid or flee?" The typical example would be anxiety, right? Anxiety is really interesting because when we feel anxious, what do we do? It triggers our fight flight and freeze, and we want nothing to do with that feeling. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want things to be the way they are. And so we flee the situation, and then it gets bigger and bigger and bigger. And sometimes in the moment we think that avoiding is going to give us long-term relief because I don't want to deal with it. But really, it's just kind of growing the problem. So sometimes we have to really pay attention to how much avoidance we have. So looking at your avoidance and asking yourself, "What is going on here?" There's a story that I adore. It's a Greek myth. You know, I'm a librarian. I can't help it. I love myths. And this one is about Cicifus. I really like this one. So Cicifus, he was kind of a trickster and Zeus was having none of it. So he put him into Hades and Hades the Underworld. When Cicifus was down in Hades, he tricked the gods to let him back out into the world. And not did he only do this once, but he did it twice. So Zeus was really annoyed at this point that he was tricked out of being in Hades twice. So Zeus thought of a very simple punishment. It's kind of lethal this one. He said to Cicifus, "Here, take this boulder, and I want you to push it up this mountain for all eternity." And so Cicifus, his punishment was to roll a boulder up the hill. And when he got almost to the top of the hill, it would roll back down. And he'd have to start the whole process over and over and over. And to me, when I heard the story for the first time, like, I felt like a gut punch, I don't know why, but the story really resonated with me because I think we all avoid things. We're all pushing boulders up a hill. And it's that futility, that sense of like, "Ha, this will never end. I always feel this way." And then the boulder kind of rolls right over us and we feel like we start at zero every day. And that's really not the case. But to me, I think about Cicifus as the story of resistance. I'm just going to push off this feeling or this stuff or this project, but it really doesn't go away. It still hangs around us. And then not only that, but it tricks us into like a shame loop. I didn't get my homework done. And then you feel like, "I'm so bad." And then you get a shame loop, which is terrible. So if we learn how to turn towards our difficulty, you know, with some compassion, then we can let go of the boulder that we push up the hill. We can let go of the rock. And we can let go of all the shame that comes with it. And we just have to figure out how do we move into action. So sometimes we just need to be kind to ourselves, take a deep breath in, and feel uncomfortable. You know, if you have anxiety, it's okay to feel anxious. Don't run away from it. Be with it. But be with it in a special way, right? We call that self-compassion. So I just ask you to take a deep breath in, open up your ear doors, and think, what am I resisting in my life? What am I, I just don't want to deal with it. What are the sentences that I come up with when I think about this thing or a friendship conflict or whatever? When you hear those words, I don't want to deal with it. Right away, you need to know, I am having a moment of resistance. And it's like, Sisyphus pushing a boulder up the hill. Like, what do I need to do to be able to let go of this boulder? My favorite coat comes from Stephen Cope. And it goes like this. It says, through practice, I've come to see that my deepest source of misery is not wanting things to be the way they are, not wanting myself to be the way I am, not wanting the world to be the way it is, not wanting others to be the way they are. And whenever I'm suffering, I find it is the war with reality that is the heart of the problem. Right? That war of reality, Sisyphus, we're pushing boulders up the hill. I don't want this pandemic to be happening, but it is. I don't want to be fighting with my friend, but I am. So it's that war of reality, right? And so for example, if I am having a fight with my friend, and I don't want to deal with it, is the sentence that kind of comes up in my head all the time, what would it feel like to talk to your friend and say, oh man, I'm having a really hard time. I don't really understand what's going on right now. And that to stand up to your friend and to be vulnerable and to say, can you explain this to me? I don't get this. That takes so much courage and I get it, right? Your brain says, I don't want to deal with it. But what hurts more avoiding the problem, making the problem bigger, maybe the the conflict between your friend gets bigger and bigger and and it ends up in a place that maybe you could have saved if you would have turned towards your difficulty. Now, some of us are dealing with really kind of really hard things in our lives. You know, families go through divorce and you know, people feel really sad and mental health is a big deal. And so sometimes we need to take a moment and understand that there's two sides of self-compassion. There's a soft side like, what do I need right now? And there's a fear side like no and boundaries and it's an action, it's got verbs in it. So sometimes you need to say to yourself, oh, I feel like garbage, I need to lay down, I need to watch Netflix like crazy and I need to get in the fetal position, right? And sometimes when things are so overwhelming, we need to take a moment, that self-compassion, I can't deal. But if we stay in the section of, I can't deal fetal position, maybe we need to think about where we're at, maybe we need to reach out and say, you know what, white flag, I need some help here. And help looks different for everybody. And reaching out and asking for help or saying, hey, I'm lonely, I need some friendship right now and reaching out and saying, I need some action here, I'm going to phone my friend and see if we can go for a walk. I'll give you an example in my own life, I have been working at cleaning the clutter, getting rid of my paper and my house and I've been purging and throwing things away for years, but I can't get on top of it. So finally, I decided to hire a professional organizer and do you want to talk about resistance? Oh man, I was so uncomfortable, but I know it's good for me. But do you think the process of someone going right up to me and saying, what do you want to do with this? How do you want to deal with this? And I'm like, I don't know, I don't feel comfortable. And so that's my brain, of course, what is it saying? It's saying, I don't want to deal with this, but I know I need to turn towards my difficulty and say, oh man, this is uncomfortable, but I know I need to let go of this resistance, I need to let go of a pacifist, I need to let the bolder go and I need to be okay with what is what is I need some help and so I'm going to be vulnerable, I'm going to get rid of my shame about not being perfect and I'm going to put up the flag and say, I need some help and I'm going to turn towards my difficulty and I'm going to take some action on what I need and just say, you know, I need this to be truly healthy and happy. We need two sides of self-compassion, we need the yin and yang of it, right? The yin is the soft side, what do I need? Maybe I need a giant bowl of ice cream, maybe I need to just have a hot bath, like that's the soft side, how do I take care of myself? And then there's the fear side, the one that takes courage and vulnerability and that's okay to be a bit of a mess when you're in that phase because that's what learning and growth looks like. And in that phase you're going to say, what do I need? And it's going to be action oriented and has verbs, I'm going to call, I'm going to get up, I'm going to organize, I'm going to deal with, and even if your brain says, I don't want to deal with this, that's okay, right? And you just say, oh man, I have a lot of avoidance, I have a lot of resistance around this and having awareness is totally the first step. And there's a magic formula that comes from the self-compassion program that I teach called making friends with yourself. And it is, your pain is equal to your suffering because everybody suffers, things happen in life, crap happens, times your avoidance. So in the moment when we avoid we feel better, but it's so short term, we're just kicking the can down the down the shoot and we're going to pay for it later. Right? So if you want to decrease your pain, it's going to feel uncomfortable in the moment, but so much better in the long term, like, "sisifist," right? Don't torture yourself. Don't just keep pushing boulders up a mountain. Have awareness and be like, "Oh, I am pushing a boulder up a hill. I'm pushing against the war of reality. I don't want things to be the way they are." So here we go. We're going to recap. How do I do with this again? So number one, you want to notice being stuck, right? Yeah, I often yell "sisifist," like, "I'm so annoyed that I'm doing this thing. I'm beating myself up about something." And I can't. I'm noticing that thought when I say to myself, I don't want to deal with this. Number two, what do I need? Do I need a fierce? Do I need to say no? Do I need boundaries? Or do I need a soft? Like, "Oh, I need somebody to love me up and cuddle and, you know, the soft side." And we need both to be well. And lastly, take action, right? Mindfully take care of yourself. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to lay in the couch. But if we're doing it all the time, maybe we need to wave a flag up and say, "Hey, you know what? Maybe I need to reach out and get some counseling around this." So sometimes action looks different, right? Sometimes it's, "I need to take care of myself." But really pay attention to your resistance, because you're just making it worse in the long term. Just know that I'm thinking about you as you're listening this, and I get it, I used to have an anxiety disorder, and it sucks. Anxiety just sucks. But it is a problem of avoidance. I hope you continue your mindfulness journey. I promise you things get better. Just take a breath. Be with yourself. And you won't always feel crappy. And mindfulness allows you to feel an intake joy and feel gratitude. Good luck this week, thinking of you all. And I'm sure you've noticed that this podcast is a bit late this week, because guess what? I had some resistance. I'm doing the best I can, and I know that you are too. See you next week, and enjoy the following meditation for this week.