I Asked N3on If He's Going to Heaven (EP 206)

- I'm afraid of that. I'm so scared. What's the point of me doing all this stuff, like grinding, working my butt off. All the money you make, none of it matters. They're gonna lose it, like, within one second. I don't think I've ever, in life, as of right now, like truly been fulfilled. I always thought what would make me fulfilled was like views, but like true fulfillment and feeling at peace, like not, has it given me that. I literally would sit down and I would like cry and pray, and I'm like, "God please, like all I want in life is to become one of the biggest streamers." Like, "Please, please, please, "I would do it every single day." Achieve what I wanted to achieve, and then just stop, right? I do believe in Islam, like I am a Muslim. I haven't been praying much at all, which is disgusting, like, it's terrible. How confident are you that you would go ahead? Maybe, like, is it the seven? Maybe six. Hey, before we get into today's episode, I wanna share two quick things with you. First, if these videos have meant anything to you, if they've encouraged your faith or helped you see the gospel a little bit more clearly, I just wanna ask you to subscribe. A lot of people tune in every single week and haven't hit the button yet. It only takes two seconds, and it helps us keep putting these conversations in front of people who need them. And the second thing, this one I've honestly been really excited to say, I'm officially announcing our ministry's biggest live event to date, Open Heaven live podcast tour. It's happening November 8th this year at the Pavilion at Toyota Music Factory in Irving, Texas. This is gonna be a night centered around worship, faith, real conversations, and genuine community. I believe God is going to move it a powerful way, and I would love for you to be in the room. Tickets are on sale right now. You can head to briskroffer.org/tour or just click the link in the description below. And please, only get your tickets through my official site or that link below. I recommend not buying from random resellers online. I believe this is going to be a really special night and I hope to see you there. All right, let's get into the episode. What's going on guys? Welcome back to another episode of the briskroffer podcast. I'm Bryson, today I'm with Neon. - Hello guys. - Which camera am I looking at? This one is one or? - Whichever one you want. - It's a crazy setup over here, bro. - Dude, I'm glad you like it. Thanks for coming. - Thank you for having me. - I've been excited to meet you 'cause I've just heard people say nothing but great things about you. - Seriously? - Yeah, seriously. - Like behind the scenes. - Yeah. - Yeah. - That makes you feel good. - Well, 'cause you feel like you see a lot of noise online is honestly not anymore, but I did go through errors where I did, but now it's like, it's way different. But yeah, I mean, I've been through like a bunch of different hate phases, but yeah, when I hear stuff like that makes me feel good. - Yeah, dude, I've heard a lot of great things about you. Just what an awesome guy you are. So I've been looking forward to hanging out with you. So thanks for coming on. - Thank you, thank you, thank you. Have you ever been on like a Christian podcast before? - No, no, never, it's my first time. I usually, I've done like, like Bradley Martin, Steine, and stuff like that. I think it's a different vibe. I think it's good. - Cool. Yeah, just like, you don't really care. It's just kind of like whatever. - Yeah, I mean, we're just here to talk. - Yeah, that's what I'm saying. - I'm Muslim with your Christian where, you know, we all have our own beliefs and at the end of the day, you know, we can all believe what we think and we can have a good conversation. - Dude, I'm so pumped that we're sitting down 'cause I've done so many deep dimes on Islam and I don't wanna like get into like a bunch of deep dived stuff. But I did a really bad injustice for a while where like I kind of went through this phase where I was like almost like going ham on Islam a little bit, I'm not gonna lie. - I didn't know that. - Yeah, I was like, I was like. - Someone wrote a clip. - There's a ton of them. I was kind of like going ham, but it was the only thing that I knew, it was almost like, I would find out these things that I like maybe had a problem with as a Christian, and so I would like immediately go hard on it. - Okay. - And then I just kind of realized that if I believe Jesus is the way and I wanted like a Muslim friend to actually become a Christian, that's not the way for me to talk to a Muslim about it. So that was something I've been meaning to kind of talk about, which has been really heavy on my heart because I'm like, that was never how I've approached conversations. It's never how I was and I kind of went through this phase where I was going ham on like certain aspects of Islam that didn't matter. And then I met, I actually have a new friend, his name's Sharik, he's like, used to be Muslim. Now he's a Christian. - Okay. - And that's like his whole deal about how like, kind of like how to talk respectfully with Muslims on faith. And so that challenged me. It really made me dive deeper into how I have conversations. So that was fun. So yeah, dude, that's fun. - I didn't even know. So you've gotten hate before? Or were they like, how did people react? - Muslims? - Yeah, the Muslims, yeah, on social media they're crazy. - Well, like yeah, it was a little intense. I mean, I was saying intense stuff though. You know what I mean? It's like I understand. I wasn't trying to rage bait. It was just like I would figure out something. I'd be like, what the heck? And then I would say it online and then it would cause, and then I just started understanding. I was like, I'm not starting conversation. You know, it was almost like I was just like making a post. - Yeah. - And my whole thing is like from the get-go from when we started making the videos was like, I like having conversations, you know what I mean? Cause that's a point. If we like, we're talking about something like, we can't like go through the conversation unless we talk about it instead of me just, you know, saying like a 30 second one liner or whatever. So I really learned a lot and that's challenged me in a cool way. On stream for me, like I try to, I don't like to like push my religion to anything to anyone. For me, it's just like, I tell them is like, if you believe in God, it's very important. Believe in God, pray to God. But other than that, like I don't even, I don't really even have these type of conversations on stream. So like when we do our stream, it's gonna be like pretty interesting. - Oh dude, I'm super pumped. Are you, what's your ethnic background? - Ethnic. So my, my mom was from Pakistan. - Okay. - My dad's from India and my mom was as a kid moved all around, like the Middle East, everywhere. They still, my grandparents still live in Pakistan down there. My mom's actually there right now. - Okay. - And I always go there like every, every like, I used to go every year, but now I'm very busy, so it's a lot different. So now I go every few years, but when I go, like it helps me feel really grounded and it helps me like understand like how far I've made it. And you know, I like traveling a lot too, especially just so I could see other sides of the world and how people live and it's crazy, bro. One thing I always say on stream is people are so much happier in these places where like, when you look in the outside, like why are they so happy? Like they live in these situations, whatever. Like it doesn't look like something you would want, but then these people are all so happy and grateful and like connected. So my main thing is just where I love to, I just got off topic, but I love traveling. I love doing stuff, but yeah, when I go back home and I go back to where my parents are from, it makes me feel like it feels so good and I just disconnect myself. - What's your favorite place you've been? - Favorite place I've been, I would say Japan, Japan probably because it's just so quiet. Are you Japanese? Oh my God, oh my God. - Wait, so you point to the only Asian guy in the room and you're just gonna assume these Japanese? - You should, 'cause that's, yeah, that's right. - Let me get you. - You gotta be, you're Filipino. - That's close. - Vietnamese. What, what are you? - Yeah, he's Cambodian. - It's first Cambodian I've ever met. Nice to meet you. - You probably met more, you just didn't know. You probably assumed that they were Japanese too. - Not much Cambodian, I've never said, that's when they're like, I'm Cambodian. I gotta go to Cambodian. - Do that really funny. - That was really funny. - My bad, and I can't even, I'm sorry, bro. - Wait, but what did you like about Japan? - It was just so quiet, bro. Such a change. For me, I'm always out and about being loud. And I'm like, in third person, I'm like, damn, what am I doing? I obviously have to stream. I have to entertain the stream and I'm being, I'm not anxious at times. Try not to be as much anymore. But over there, it's just so peaceful, bro. Everyone is just at peace doing their own thing and it was cool to see, bro. I didn't go to, there's this cherry blossom thing or something else, I was supposed to go to, I didn't get to go, I wanna go there next time. But I was with the good people, I was with Brad, bunch of people, I had a good time. - Have you seen the bowing deer? - No, what is that? - You've never seen that? - No. - Dude, it's like these deer that you can, I think you can feed them, but they're in a park and they like bow at you. It's super cool. I'll show you a video when we get done. But it's like-- - In Japan. - Yeah, I think it's in Japan. It is, right? - Bowing deer. - Yeah, so like, I think you can feed them, but they're in a park and they're like, you know, domesticated so they're like, or used to humans. - So they're like taught how to sit? - No, like they almost like, I don't know how to do it. This looks so weird, but you just like, they like bow at you, you know? It's interesting. - How do they make the deer do that? - I don't know, but it's really cool. And then, would you wrestle a sumo wrestler in the street? - No, no. - No, it's disgusting. - Dude, I don't even about me losing. They're just sweaty. So I'm like, why would I want that on me? - Yeah, I think you could take 'em, though. - Definitely not. I think you could take 'em, bro. - Really? - Yeah. - Thank you. - You good build? - Hey, thank you so much. Yeah, I just said, I got food poisoning the other day. So I'm kinda skinny. - Oh yeah, my stomach has been messed up. Might be LA. - Bro, I don't need to get out of here. - Yeah, I think we do too. We should build a bunker and go live underground somewhere. - I know we were talking about earlier the, what's the festival you're saying? - The Burning Man. - Yeah, so I don't know if this is the same type of thing, but I was at EDC, which is, I mean, it's just like a normal music festival, whatever, but like when I walked in there with all the lights and everything and like everyone just like, like behind the camera, everyone's like sniffing and stuff, doing crazy drugs, whatever, and I went on stream and I was like, like you cannot enjoy this unless you're on hardcore drugs and like this is not my type of thing and all the EDC fans got so mad at me. It's like my first time I got hate and so long. Like I was doing so good. - Burning Man's the same thing though. I got hate for saying that from people that go to Burning Man too. They were like, no, it's not, 'cause it's advertised as like a free thinking art festival. So when you go, like all the building structures out there, like built weird and unique, it almost looks like, have you ever seen the movie Dune? Like I don't know if you've ever seen it. - I don't know if you've ever seen it. - I'm so out of touch with the reality, but no, I haven't seen it. - Dude, it's like a. - Wait, does the movie is in Daya? - Is she in that? - Yeah, she's in the trailer. - Yeah, okay, yeah, it's like a desert, you know, the desert vibe but then like the vehicles out there, I saw 18 foot pirate ship on wheels just driving itself. - Wow. - The stuff like that. They just build these contraptions and so it's interesting, but it's kind of the same thing. Like you almost have to be on drugs. - Yeah, and then I, yeah, and you've spoken, I spoke on it and I got, I got, I got, heat, but it was like, I felt so, like, I didn't feel comfortable there. Just, I felt so off. Like, I mean, for me, like I'm not even the type of person to go out, like I don't really like that stuff and I'm awkward, so I don't know what to do. But in that situation, I was just like, oh my God. And like with, bro, the lights that were going around, it felt like, like a hell. - Yeah. - Like that's what I said. It feels like hell. - It was crazy. - Yeah, dude, there's a lot of that too, all the lights and stuff out. Yeah, it's interesting, it's just an interesting environment, especially if you're not used to it. I'm not used to that stuff either. so definitely throw me out. but there is almost, I don't know about you, but I could just feel it. - Yeah, no, you can sense it and feel it. You're like, yeah, there's something off, you know? So have you ever done any substances, drugs, things like that? - I've smoked on stream before a few times, like smoked weed, I mean, when I came to LA, but I was like the cleanest kid ever. No problems, the worst thing my parents had to deal with for me was me staying up too late, playing my PS5. I never snuck out, never went to parties, nothing. So I was like a perfect kid. I came to LA, everything got thrown at me. Like everything, like when it comes to money, girls, like fame, anything you can imagine. So I like, it's crazy, bro, I kind of blacked out, like I don't remember any of that part of my life. It was like two years, I don't remember any of it. - Wait, how long have you been in LA? - I've been in LA for like three and a half years. - So for longer than you've been here, you can't remember what it was like. - Yeah, I don't remember anything, bro. I was just spending money, I was around the wrong people. That's what I got into, like smoking, which was my biggest downfall ever, 'cause I just broke, it made me so lazy. I mean, it starts from, and everyone watching this, like my chat gets mad at me when I talk about this, but do not smoke weed, it's very bad for you. Makes you stupid, like actually stupid. It makes you like groggy, it makes you, he's smiling. You smoke weed. - I do not smoke. - Okay, okay, okay. (laughing) - He just keeps out in our camera guy. Why the camera? (laughing) - I'm in stream, okay. - He's just trying to recover from the fact that he accuses you of being happy. - I'm trying to get you back. - I feel bad, I'm sorry, bro. (laughing) But yeah, bro, and it starts from, like you do that night before you sleep, like oh, I have a good stream. Let me smoke real quick, and then it goes from that to, oh, like maybe do a little earlier. Let me do it during the day. Oh, now I'm high on stream, like it's just, it was really bad. - Wait, so have you ever met Clavicular? - Yeah, okay, so do you get worried about him? - I mean, yeah, but he's a grown man, he makes his own decision. - No, no, for sure. I'm not saying this, and like, you know, he can't do whatever, but I'd like, I remember when I, I saw the one video clip of him. He, I guess he OD'd on video or something. - Yeah, it was really, really messed up. - And I know it just scared me, 'cause I'm like, is he going too far? That's like a whole nother realm. I mean, you were like, I was smoking weed, and I'm like taking it to like a whole nother level right here, for sure. - I didn't do that, bro. - But, but you know, like, I guess when I see that and you've met him, is that someone that you're like, "Hey, bro, like don't go down that route. "I've been there." - I mean, I feel like someone like him, like no matter who tells him that he won't listen to listen to himself, bro, he would be great on here. - Well, dude, we were gonna get him on, and then he tried to like ask me how much I'd pay him. And then I was like, okay, we don't pay anyone. - Yeah. - And then he was like, - I mean, I do the same thing happens to me on stream. Like, I do DM a guy's like, how much? - I've known Klafer, wow, he's like, honestly a good guy. Like, I've really, like, I've had multiple conversations and I've been around him a lot off stream. Like, he is a good guy. He is like around the wrong thing. He's gonna come to drugs and everything, and I don't agree with him, like, pushing that on stream and having people see that, 'cause it's messed up, I can't do it. So I don't agree with that part, but I think eventually he's gonna, I mean, he's learning, he's slowly stopping. I know like, he stopped drinking as much too. So he's on like a new path, I think. - Yeah, yeah. I've also heard that he's a nice guy down to Earth as well. - Yeah, I guess, well, I've never done like, drugs or alcohol before. So I, you know, when I like to meet people. - You never drank or anything in your life. - Dude, the only time I, and I say like, I accidentally drank, but literally this last Christmas. - Oh. - Yeah, my wife and I were, yeah. I mean, I'm like, I got hammered, man. No, we were, my wife and I were engaged, and my cousin lives in the UK, and they came home and they brought us this like, like almost like a pre-wedding gift. I was like, "Hey, here you go." And it was like a box of chocolates and stuff like that, and I ate this chocolate and I liked it. So I kept eating the chocolates, but I kept coughing every time I was eating the chocolates, and it was like burning my throat. - Yeah. - And then I was like, "Yo, this chocolate's got like a kick to it." Is it spicy, and they were like, "No, it's got alcohol in the chocolate." It had like champagne. - It makes alcohol chocolate? - It had like champagne in the chocolate. - Oh my god. - And they didn't tell me, but apparently that's like normal in the UK. - What did you feel? - I didn't feel anything 'cause I didn't eat a lot, but I ate like three of them and I was like, this is burning my throat. But that's like the only, the closest I've ever been, but I've never intentionally drank alcohol or done drugs before. So I guess I was just curious what that was like, but you've been on the internet a while, right? - Yeah, it's been, ever since I was 11, so 10 years. - Dang, what's that been like? - It's been tough, like very tough. Like at some points you start feeling like a robot. I mean, how long have you been on the internet? - Well, I've been doing social media for like a long time, but I'd say this stuff only like two or three years. - Seriously. - Yeah. - Wow, that seems like longer. But yeah, like just, at some points you feel robotic, like I've been through so many eras, and the thing about me is everyone saw like, everything bad I've done in life, like all my mistakes, everything I made, 'cause we all make mistakes, but mine were all like publicized 'cause I streamed it, I made it on to record it, whatever it is. So, I mean, dealing with everyone's opinions, everyone's hate, you know, it did suck, but rightfully so, like I did a lot of stupid things and I deserved all of it. So, just going through different eras in my life. It's been tough, but I feel like now the past like, I would say like eight months to a year, it's been like an entirely different switch. Like I feel a lot better. I feel like people like me a lot more. They see through who I actually am, and I think they're starting to understand. - How's your content evolved over the years from when you started to now? - So, at first it was just gaming, so like me just gaming having fun, never thought anything of it. And then I wasn't like, I had no intention to have this as a job. I wanted to be a doctor. So, I-- - What did you really? - Yeah, 'cause I have a stomach disease. So, I have, it's called a Crohn's disease. - Oh yeah, I know what Crohn's disease. - Yeah, so, I have Crohn. So, I was like, I want to help people who have my problem. 'Cause for me like, I couldn't even go to school. I was like, hospitalized a bunch. I just wasn't able to live a normal life. And that's why I like started even making videos. I was like, I have so much free time, am I doing anything? I can't do the stuff these normal kids are doing. Let me just play video games and have some fun 'cause that's what I enjoy doing. - Whoa, I didn't know that about you. - Yeah. - Wait, so how does that affect like your day-to-day life? - Honestly, now it's, I'm like, like Crohn's can never be cured. We can go in remission. So, like my medicine's working. But like, there's obviously moments where like, you flare up and there's nothing you could do. You just got to deal with it, keep pushing. - Dang, man. - Yeah. But, my problems are very small compared to other people. So, I just, I let it, you know, it's all good. But, I did that and then gaming was cool. Everything worked out. I mean, I just, I was having fun. I was making thumbnails for people. I was just having fun with it. And then I met Aiden Ross, a very, very good friend of mine. He helped me, like, and I always have to give him credit 'cause without him, I wouldn't even be in this situation. He believed in me. He put me in situations where he didn't need to and he trusted me and he knew what I had. And he is, you know, one of the big reasons for all this. So, he put me in front of a bunch of people, had me streaming with him. I was never gonna stream my quit. I stopped and he's like, no, I'm forcing you to do this. He booked my flight himself. He found my information. I didn't even tell him anything. He booked a flight to Miami's, like, you're coming. Is that not scary? Did he just found your room? I mean, the guy is, like, just, I don't know if I can say it. He's Jewish, so he can do any, like, he's very, I don't know, like, they have a Jewish website when they figure out all the information and, like, he was able to just figure out my birthday, my full name, everything. Oh, my gosh. And he got my flight booked. He forced me to come and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I started doing IRL content. And then I went into these bunch of eras where I was, you know, doing anything for views, like being absolute, absolute peace of shit, doing whatever it took to get a view and a like, which worked, right? Like, it did well. Led to a bunch of hate. Realized that at some point of my life, like, in my heart, like, this is not what I want to do. Like, I'm gonna stop doing this. I'm gonna do the type of content I want to do, which is honestly nowadays, like, tapping into sports, doing a bunch of, like, just normal things. Like, instead of just going out, being a peace of shit. So, took a bit of a decline after I switched up the plan, switched up what I was gonna do. And now I feel like I'm doing better than ever and I'm just, I'm having a blast, so. All right, I got to ask you, you faked your death when you were 14. What gave you that idea? Bro, straight up, like, literally, like, I just, I wanted views, like, I was like, I want views, like, I want to blow up, I want to go viral. And that was like, let me do it. I was literally like, in a Walmart and I posted the video and I was so excited. I was like, oh, yeah, let's do it. Wait, wait, what exactly did you do to, like, fake your death? I was just saying, like, I don't know how many days I have to live, like, I don't know what's gonna happen, pray for me. Bro, looking back at it, it's really messed up. It honestly is. I was a kid and I didn't know, like, I didn't know any better. Obviously, but it was really messed up and my digital footprint is stuck for life, so. - Okay, if you weren't streaming, then what would you do? What would you do if you weren't streaming? Doctor? - Yeah. - Okay, well, if you couldn't be a doctor, then what would you do? - I had no plan, bro. Like, other than that, like, once I realized how many years it took to be a doctor, I was like, all right, this out the window. So then, it was like, I either stream, do this, or like, I don't know, because I have no book smarts at all, 'cause I was barely in school, COVID, hey, everything. I probably have to educate, like, at the education of like a ninth grader. - No. - No, like, the book smart-wise. - Okay. - Until, like, after ninth grade, I just, like, nothing. And then, my school, because I was so sick and they felt really bad for me, my school actually, like, rigged my grades to help me graduate. Like, I didn't do anything the last two years. - Whoa. - Like, I didn't do any tests, I didn't do anything, I didn't learn anything, and they let me walk, they let me do everything. - How do you deal with the hate when you are faced with hate? How have you dealt with it? But, specifically, how do you deal with hate when it comes your way? - It's so crazy, 'cause my p-kate was when I was, I was blacked out, so I don't remember what I was. It's so scary, bro. I don't remember so much. And like, when I'm on stream, my adrenaline is so high, so like, I also don't remember a lot of stuff when I'm streaming. - Yeah. - It's like, it puts you, like, when you're streaming, I'm not streaming them in a different zone. Like, an entirely different, it's like a different dimension. It feels really weird, bro. But, just in general, I mean, scrolling, seeing hate, I don't, at first, it was getting to me when I was a kid, but I was really stopped caring. Like, it was so much, it was so bad, and like, so far gone in my eyes, what I thought, like, I was like, this is done. Like, I'm just gonna always be the kid I get to hate, to where I just, I literally just stopped caring. I was like, all right, you know what? I'm gonna keep them off. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I don't care anymore. - I feel like not even just the hate, but in general, like, your life's been on social media for what more than a decade you said. - Yeah. - Or almost a decade. So, I mean, mental health got a plan to a little bit of this. and where the album is. what you travel and just the chaos of life. I mean, has your mental health been affected by all this? - Yeah, that's like the number one thing I struggle with, especially like now, like currently. Like I'm always my biggest fear is like living with a grette. It's like not trying my hardest, not doing what I have to do. So if there's a stream tomorrow, like no matter what, if I have a stream tomorrow in Africa, and it's a banger stream, I'm going. Like one hour notice I'm going. Like when I streamed Kanye, it was a two hour notice. It was late at night, like it was like 3 a.m. He's like, get on this flight right now. I'm booking it for you. I packed with him 15 minutes and went right away. There's like three layovers. He's like, there's only like three layovers, whatever. Like in my head, I do whatever it takes to get what I want. And like I really do believe myself, and I want to be the best at what I do. So I'm really hard on myself. Like very, very hard. I overbook my schedule. I try to fill in every day when it's not healthy. Like it's very tough, very, very, very tough. - Wait, do you want that to change? Like I mean, deep down, like let's ignore your just hard work mentality and stuff like that. I guess hyperfacitating on how you feel. Would you rather not be that way? - Yeah, I mean, ideally I wouldn't want to deal with all the stress. Like I'm like, yeah, just over stressed. But in my head too, like I just don't want to lose everything I built. So it's a really bad mindset that I need to figure out, but I don't know. Like people tell me to get a therapist. I'm not getting a therapist. - Dude, I heard this quote the other day. And it's actually, it's kind of challenged me a little bit where I, and I'm going to like totally butcher the quote. But it was something along the lines. That like if you build a company and you disappear from the company and the company can't function, it's not a company, it's a prison is the way that he talked about. Now, and we were like kind of talking about it in here a little bit like, okay, you stream, right? So there's an aspect where you have to show up and like be on the stream. - Yeah. - But like what happens in the time period outside of you streaming, you know, are you burning out or in the context of this like outside of us filming a podcast where us going in the street, like in my burning out and my doing all this stuff. 'Cause I'm the same way, dude, I'm from Georgia. And so north of Atlanta, I'm from a small country town. So I grew up, my parents are kind of redneck. - Okay. - And I just, I've always like had this. - I can believe that. - You can believe that, what made you believe that? - You can hear it, just a little bit. - I feel like when I say some words, you can hear it. And you know, I just, I've always had that same mentality where it's like I like to work hard and I like to do that. And you know, you get to reap what you sow kind of vibe. But at the same time, I'm kind of, that's something that I have a hard time bouncing to. Maybe not the mental health side and I can kind of get into that maybe with you in a little bit, but more so just the busyness side, you know? - Do you like it yourself breaks? - Yeah, I do. I try to schedule it out more for sure. Like I'm about to go on, I have like a big vacation. I do it with my family and my wife every year. And like that's coming up and stuff like that. So we're prepared. So that's one of the reasons why I told you earlier, we're gonna be gone for a little bit and stuff like that. - Yeah. - But I think, man, I just think for me, I just recognize that there were a lot of things that I was doing that I didn't need to do or that I could delegate and trust someone. I don't know about you, but maybe you can relate. Sometimes it can be hard to trust people with a vision that you have. Like I don't know if you feel that way, but I'll get a vision of something. And it's like hard for me to trust other people with that vision because I'm like, do you fully know what I'm picturing in my brain or do you understand? I don't know if you feel that way. - I think a lot of creators feel that way. I mean, like for me, I like doing everything direct. So like I don't want to like, like I want to handle a lot of stuff myself. My team is great. They're really, really good and they help me like, take away a lot of the stress, even though I still have a lot. - Wait, what all do you do? - For me. So for me, on my end, bro, you know, it's crazy. Like my life, if I'm not streaming, I'm planning a stream or traveling a stream. Like I don't do anything else. So I'm on the phone with my team, with my friends, even who helped me like just, like for out of love, we're thinking of ideas, we're thinking of what to do. I'm the one reaching out to all these people. Like all the collabs I get are just me, like talking to people, building relationships, like knowing this guy, who knows this guy, and then you meet this guy. And then just going out and just hustling, just getting whatever I can at all costs. So for me just like, my main thing is just networking, meeting people, and then ideas thing, like that's one thing I lack. Like my creative mind is terrible. I can execute an idea if an idea is given to me, but I can't think for anything, which is, you know, not good 'cause I'm a streamer. But here we are. So I have someone like, people who helped me with ideas, I don't do any of the ideas at all, but mainly just that side. And then it's just, I would say the main thing that it's just brutal is a traveling. Like I've gone to like, from city to city to city, like day after day, so like you're going to a city, 6 a.m., or like whatever, you're a 6 a.m. flight. You land after a few hours, 9 a.m., checking early to a hotel. Like you're all no sleep, because you're staying up to the flight. You'd only sleep you guys like two, three hours in the plane, and then you check into the hotel, and then right when you check in, you have to leave for the stream. So it's just, it's been, and that's how it is every day. And it's like day, day, day, day, day. It's just no sleep. My eyes are closed. I had to like, get eye drops, prescribe to me to like help keep my eyes open 'cause I'm so tired. - What the heck? - Yeah, like this, it's bad. - Wait, does that not like affect your, your Crohn's and stuff, too? - I mean, yeah, bro, my health is, like it's, dude. I've been, like I've been blessed, like my Crohn's hasn't like flared up crazy, like it used to, but if I keep going like this, it definitely will come, so I need to, I definitely need to figure this out. - Shoot, bro. Yeah, dude, I used to, I mean, definitely not to that. I had extreme, but I used to do like traveling like that a ton. And then I would get super sick after like really sick down from the count. - Yeah, I mean like, bro, every like 10 days I get sick. Like whether it's like a fever or something, whatever it is, I get sick. And then I just push through it. Like I don't even, like I don't take it day off. I just keep, I'm sick and I keep going. It's really bad, bro. - So with your, with all that going on and, you know, again, going back to that mental health side of things, like is that, do you struggle with a lot of mental health? - I honestly don't even like think about that. Like I just like, like I'll be stressed and like whatever, but I just push through it. Like I don't sit back and be like damn, like I'm not happy right now in life or like whatever it is. I mean, sometimes like I have talks in my chat like, and you know, rarely, but then they get mad when I talk about it, so I just leave it alone. But yeah, I don't really, I don't really think like, I don't, I don't feel bad for myself. Like I sign myself up for this. Like this is what I wanted. I'm living my dream that I've wanted as a kid. So I just, I just keep pushing. - Wait, why did they get mad when you want to be vulnerable? - Because they're like, oh, you're trying to make us feel bad. You're trying to get sympathy, whatever it is. They're, they're little shit. - So they don't, they don't want you to be honest. - Yeah, no, I don't know, like I try to be honest with them and they're like, we don't care, stream. Because it's like in the streaming game, like they, they look at you like, like a robot. Like they look at you like a, like a video game, like they're controlling the game. Like they just want to see you do what they want and they don't care, they don't care if you're a person, they don't care about your emotions, they don't care about your feelings. They're just, you're there for their entertainment. You're like, it's like a circus. - Oh wow. - Yeah. - But then there is some people that are cool and care about you and like that's like you do find that, but a huge percent of the people are just watching you to either like see something crazy happen on stream, see something bad happen to you. But you know, there are people that want to see good for you too, but it's a balance. - So is that, is that why you bring security around? - Yeah, I mean, yeah, I would never, it's actually I'm going to the World Cup game after this, after our stream at SoFi with no security. So let's see how that goes. - What? - It's my first time I'm going no security 'cause they couldn't get a ticket from. - What? - It was like, yeah, there's no tickets available. So I have to go no security. And I haven't done that in like years. - Oh my goodness. You've wrapped it up. I'm so scared. - Wait, wait, so good. Imagine we post this immediately after we get done and we say that, that would be crazy. No, so tell me about like, when did you start bringing security around? And I got to ask, is it because your life is actually at threat or is it because too many people will mob you? - No, I don't care about that. Like I'll never say no to a picture no matter what. Like at all, but I don't care about the mobbing. I don't care about that 'cause these people are, no one's going to do anything. They're kids or they're like older people who are just there to support you. But the main problem with streaming is, I mean, like your live location is broadcast every second. It's like they can't shit happen. Like there's been times where like, there's one time where I got jumped on stream by seven people. Like there's seven dudes masked up. I was in a Sprinter van. They came from up on the hill down the hill. They didn't see me in the car. They saw my manager at the time. And they like, just like battered his face. Like completely, like this is real, like all real shit. Like all on camera, all on stream. Some people thought it was fake at the time, but then actual footage came out and stuff. They saw it was real, but yeah. So situations like that, I feel like the main thing is, I just, I mean, rather safe than sorry, I'd rather spend all my money and keep my life safe. - No, no, for sure. Wait, so these guys came and masks and they beat up your manager. - Yeah. - Trying to get to you. - Yeah. - Did they get to you or no? - No, they didn't see me in the Sprinter. They like mistimed it completely. - What? - I was in the Sprinter van and they walked right past it. The door was open. They didn't see me. - Oh my God. - It was, yeah, I thought it was over. And then we closed the door, blacked out that the Sprinter and I was just sitting there and I was like, "Oh, these people are gonna kill me." - Wait, so, and then what, and was security with you then? - No, my security guard, this might like, when I first security guards, I hired, he was downstairs smoking a blunt. Well, I was outside. - Oh my goodness. - Yeah. - Wait, so what were those guys doing it for? They wanted like, clicks, they wanted views. - No, someone was recording the back, so they got paid off to do it. Someone that didn't like me at the time, probably did it. So yeah, they were definitely paid off. I mean, dude, money, it's just, this world is true. - Dude, that's insane. - The money is so sad, but. - That's insane, bro. - Yeah, I've never. - And that situation could have gone left. If I had good security, someone paid them off, right? Whatever it is, it could have gone really serious. Like, if I had good security, obviously they're carrying, they could have shot someone, they could have got shot. Like, it could have been crazy. - And your manager now, I mean, I'm assuming he's not with you anymore, but so did he leave like shortly after that? - No, no, no. - No, he hung around. - Yeah. - Okay, cool, cool. - Just didn't let go. - Well, at least he didn't let that define the situation. You know what I mean, which is nice, but-- - I mean, it was the security's fault. Like, if security was there in that moment, like it broke, these people didn't have guns. They were just, they were like 17, 18-year-old kids that just had their fists, literally. So if someone flashed a gun at them, they would have freaked out. - Yeah. - Completely. - Dang, dude. Wow, that's actually insane. - Yeah. - Yeah, I don't even know what to say. - Yeah, that's why. - That's why I need security, but like, it's, I mean, even when I walk out in public off stream, I still have security. It's just, it's a lot, and I like, I really do have a fear. Like, this world is so messed up, and I've seen so much shit to where I don't even wanna, like one crazy person, one maniac can ruin your life. - Oh, no, I don't even wanna take the risk. - No, no, no, totally. I mean, we don't have someone with us all the time, maybe like you do, but we have a team, 'cause we get threats all the time. I've had my address leaked. I get mail at my, where I'm originally from. - Oh wow. - All this stuff that, yeah, we've had some crazy encounters that we've done like maybe a handful of streams. This was so dumb on me, but this was the Chris warn me. So we were, we were gonna start streaming the stuff live, 'cause people thought our videos were fake. They thought we were faking like the interactions with people. - Okay. - So I was like, oh, well, just like live stream it, and then we were chilling. And we were going down, 'cause we were in Chicago. And I was like, oh yeah, like what, he's like, do you want me to point the camera down? I was like, no, like it's fine. And then literally, you could see where we were staying in the background, and then people showed up, dude showed up, like God inside the building. It was like a, I don't know how to explain it. It was like an Airbnb, but like multiple town homes, departments and stuff. He's like God inside, and he was kind of like stalking us. - Oh my God. - It was interesting, but aside from that, that idiotic decision I made, I mean, aside from that, it was, I mean, we'll get threats too, but I think that's so fascinating, you're absolutely right. It just takes one person to make something go wrong. - Exactly. And I honestly am thinking about getting a second guy now. I was just that rodeo, and a bunch of people were taking pictures, whatever it is. I mean, I was walking in my brother, I brought my little brother from Houston to LA, just so you can have some fun. And it was like, there's a lot of people, probably like maybe like 10, 15 people that would just stay in their waiting, whatever. And then a group of like a hundred kids pulled up, all like on bikes, and they all started rushing, like not like in a bad way, like they liked me. But like, that's, I was so scared. I had one security guard, I was like, what is about to happen? If all these kids try to do something to me, we're cut, what are we gonna do? So yeah, I mean, security's like a big thing for me. I get really, really paranoid, extremely paranoid. Like now I live in a penthouse, I don't even live in a house, I can't do it anymore. Like I need like layers of security. I just, I feel so unsafe, no matter where I'm at. - Okay, and earlier you were talking about how, you came out to L.A. and then you started smoking weed. - Yeah. - When did you stop smoking weed? - I would say, honestly, maybe like, shh, like, six months. - Oh dude, that's your heat though. - What, yeah. - Yeah, I mean, that's better. - Even then I was like slowly, slowly winding down. But it's just, yeah dude, it's crazy because when I smoke, it helps me like, I feel like I can't think through anything, like, properly when I'm sober. But when I was smoking, it was able to help me think through situations like, for example, if there's someone in my life that shouldn't have been in my life and I was just like, in my head I was like, no, no, no, no, this can't be true. Like I need this person. When I was smoking I would think I'd be like, what am I doing? Like, I'm tripping and then when I would get out of it, I'd just go back to normal. So that's like one of the reasons too. I was smoking a lot. Just helping me like think through life because I was making so many mistakes. I was doing so many wrong things. But yeah, I stopped. I can't do it. I just, it's just so bad, bro. - So let's talk about the decision making thing. Do you have a big friend group circle or do you have a small circle, a time circle? - Very small circle. One problem I deal with too is I can't make decisions like for myself at all. Like I ask for opinions, too many opinions. Like I don't go my gut. Sometimes I listen to what other people say. I mean, because I mean, everyone around me knows what's best for me. But I feel like that's not the best. I need to be able to make a decision for myself instead of asking for opinions. Like, what do I do, what do I do? - And are these people like people that you've known for a while? - Yeah. - Or new people? - Yeah, I know for a while. Like honestly, like I just, I keep the same people around that I've known for years and years and years and years and I always keep them next to me and close to me because they were with me before, you know, before a lot of the stuff came about. So yeah, like I mean, obviously I talk to new people and everything, but like my closest closest guys are just people I've known for a while. - So are you someone that gives trust and lets it be broken or someone that like makes trust be built over time? - No, I don't trust people at all. - Okay, yeah, that's the third option. Yeah, just don't trust them. - Yeah, but I always just so careful. I always keep one eye open. Like people have such bad motives and people are just so messed up, bro. I just, it's why I just stayed to myself. Like I really try to just stay to myself and like be alone as much as I can because I just don't want to deal with any of that. - Is that hard being alone a lot? - Yeah, it's like it's lonely. I have a dog, so like she gives me company, but I'm barely like, I'm not home too much or that sucks too. - Wait, what kind of dog do you have? - It's a little Kavapoo. - Okay. - She's like a boozie dog. - Yeah, boozie. - You said boozie? - Yeah, I said boozie. Yeah, speaking of that, when you stream, these people upcharge you. I got charged $7,500 for a $3,000 dog. - Wait, no idea. It was in Vegas. - Wait, where did you buy it off a breeder? - No, it was just, is it a breeder? It was a place with a bunch of dogs. It was like a nice place with a bunch of dogs. - Obviously, that's when you went wrong, bro. I bought both my pets off Craigslist. - Seriously? - And they're probably the best things ever. - I mean, they're amazing. I got my dog Moses, who's incredible. - Okay. - And we just got a cat the other day. His name's Michael. - Yeah, I think he's shaking. I don't think he likes your dog, bro. - Yeah, he doesn't like Moses, but I like Moses. He's great. He's a mini golden doodle. - Okay. - And then we have a cat now. His name's Michael. - Oh, a cat. - Yeah, but we got them off Craigslist and we got them pretty cheap. - How much? - Our dog was $600. - Oh, okay. - Like, isn't that a steal? And at the time, it was like before we had done social media and I had no money and I was living with roommates. So we split in three ways. - Wait, but the roommates let you keep the dog? - Well, I paid them off. - Oh, sure. - Oh wow. - So I gave them money back. So we each put in 200 to get our dog Moses. - That seems crazy. - And then you pay them off to keep the dog. - Well, at the time, we got the dog and then one of our, one of my roommates, who he's now married to, but he just stopped taking care of the dog like six months in. And so I was like, okay, and he was kind of like whatever. So I just went ahead and paid up money. And then the guys kind of decided that when I got married, I'd probably take the dogs that got married and then I paid my other roommate off. - Makes sense. - Do you live with just you and your wife? - Yeah, now we do. But before we had never lived together before, we got married, we waited, which was awesome. But yeah, do we have a dog in a cat? And yeah, you'll have to see him sometimes. They love you, bro. They love you, especially Moses, bro. - Is the dog aggressive? - No, no, no, he's super sweet. - Okay, you're not lying, right? - No, I'm not, bro, I would not lie to you. - I feel you wouldn't lie. Like you can't lie. - Dude, I know, I would probably, I would be, - Lying's a sin. - It is a sin, bro. And I would be hurting God's heart right now if I was lying to you. You would love Moses seriously. - Okay. - Yeah, I would not lie to you. Do you like cats? - I had a, I got a foreign bangle, which is like an exotic, exotic crazy cat. - What happens, dude? - I have my family watching the cat because it was just too much. This cat jumps from corner to corner of your room at like 5 a.m. It's just most obnoxious thing ever, so. - Wait, why did you get in the first place? - I don't know, bro, I was bored. I was like, you know what, let's do it. - Okay. - Let's do it. But now my family's saying, - Wait, those are the ones that get really big, right? - I don't think they get too big. But they have the same mannerisms of dogs kind of, but they're crazy. - Oh, I know which one that is. I'm thinking of the cats that get super big. You know what I'm talking about. They're like, yeah, I thought that's, but I know which one you're talking about. That's interesting. And your parents, they live in the States now? - Yeah, my brother live in Houston. I was born and raised in Houston. They're still over there. - Oh, dude, I like Houston. We went there for the first time in the early spring or went over to the room. - Well, part of Houston, do you remember? - Downtown, we did an event, like we're on a live podcast tour. We did an event at a venue down there. But it was super fun, dude. That Houston was cool. - Yeah, Houston's cool. I mean, it's very low-key. I was like very sheltered growing up, so I didn't even leave the house unless I went to school. So I didn't really see much. I haven't even gone out to a club or anything in Houston. - Do you go out at all? - I've never been to a club before. - Seriously? - Never been to a club. - That should be our stream. - No kidding. - Dude, if we show them to a club, I'd probably leave the stream. Dude, I just walk away. - Yeah, dude, I'm not a club guy. I'm not a party guy. - What about like, oh, but you don't drink? 'Cause I'm gonna say a bar. - No, I mean, like, I've never had a drink before, but I'll like the other day when the next game was still going. I went over here to a sushi spot and I sat at the bar to watch the game. - I thought it sounded the same. - No, it sounded the same. - I was talking about a full-on bar, where was it going? - No, no, that's not me. - I'd go with you to a karaoke night, though, somewhere that's a saddle ranch. - Okay. - Yeah, saddle ranch. - Where it's like a little in-between, you know, it's like a restaurant and stuff. Like, I would go there and hang out, but yeah, I'm not really like a bar, - He's a wholesome man. - Part of your, well, my vices were other things than the drugs and alcohol. So I had some other struggles, but maybe it seems. - What do you struggle with? - Well, currently right now, I struggle with like, I struggle with, I've always struggled with people pleading. Like, I care so much with what people think. So I ask you how you deal with hate comments, 'cause sometimes it hurts me. Sometimes it doesn't bother me. I struggle with trusting people. I struggle a lot with that. I also struggle with like how I see myself. When I look at myself in the mirror, I struggle with like the way I view myself and I don't know, just positively seeing myself the way that I believe God sees me. I really struggle with that. But in terms to like vices, dude, I haven't really struggled with vices in forever. So before, before I was a Christian, I became a Christian when I was 17. Oh, you weren't born Christian? Well, I mean, I grew up, I grew up going to church and I went to a private Christian school. Yeah. But like, there would be a lot of people where I was from that would tell me how to live my life one way. But then they were doing the total opposite of what they were telling me to do. So I had a problem with it. I was like, if that's what Jesus is like, I don't want it. And then I would see a lot of hypocrisy. There was like a church in my hometown where the pastor like cheated on his wife and stole money and ran. And I'm like, that's a mouthpiece for God. And then you did that, like I don't want anything to do that. And then when I got to the eighth grade, my granddad got pancreatic cancer. And my parents were telling me that I needed to go to the hospital and like, talk to him about Jesus because I went to a private Christian school and that's what it was like. But I didn't really care about Jesus. So I didn't go. And he had passed away in the hospital. And so I blamed God for killing my grandfather. And so after that moment, I had already struggled a little bit with depression and anxiety, but I really spiraled into deep depression and anxiety about it with it every day. And just how I saw myself, I tried to find myself in sports and in other people. I didn't do drugs or alcohol, but I really struggled with like watching porn and like making bad decisions with girls and stuff like that. Because I thought I was trying to figure out what love was when I was looking for it in those avenues. And so from like eighth grade to all of 17, I just battled with the depression and anxiety. And then at 17 on Christmas day, I was gonna take my life. Oh wow. Because I thought it was the only way to get the depression and anxiety to go away. And then I was gonna take my life, dude. No one preached to me. No one's saying anything to me about Jesus. I had a supernatural encounter with Jesus. Stop me from taking my life. Wow. And so that's when I prayed to Jesus and I said, okay, if you're real, take away my anxiety and depression because this is why I want to die. And I haven't had it since that day. It's been over five years. That's crazy. So that was like my foot in the door with like actually following Jesus. 'Cause there's like a lot of people that say that they're, you know, they're Christian. But then if you look at the fruit of their life, you might be like, you probably don't really mean what you say you mean. I mean, it's in all religions. Yeah, that happens everywhere. Not just Christianity, but you get that. So for me, that was like the turning point where I was like, I wanna make everything I do about Jesus. I wanna glorify him with everything that I do 'cause I really believe he's the one that saved my life and I had that moment. And so that's when I started, that's why I started talking about Jesus online. 'Cause I felt like I had found the antidote to my problems. And, you know, mistakes that you've made no one else knows. I know mistakes I made that no one else knows. So I felt like if Jesus could do it for me, he could do it for literally anyone. 'Cause I definitely felt like the most broken human being on the planet. So that was kind of where that started for me. But I struggled with all that stuff before I was a believer. But when I started following Jesus, I had stopped watching porn, but I still struggled with turning back to girls sometimes when I would like, I was starting to follow Jesus and then I would go through something at home where I was starting to follow Jesus or I would get hit with this hardship or something would creep up on me. And that took a while for me to get out of and then moved out to LA, started chasing Jesus really hard and then I met my wife out here and it was beautiful. - How did you meet your wife? 'Cause I feel like in today's day and age, it's so hard to find the right girl, like especially with everything I'm around, it's very tough. - Well, I actually knew my wife. So my wife's from Georgia too. - Oh, same town? - Town next door, but she went to a really big public school. - Okay. - And I went to a small private Christian school and she was really beautiful and popular and I was not beautiful and popular. So like we knew where the pretty girls went to school. And so like I just kind of knew who she was, but she didn't know who I was. So then I moved out to LA. One of my older roommates used to run a Bible study out here. I'd been out in LA for over a year by a year and a half and then one day she shows up to the Bible study at my apartment and I start freaking out on the inside 'cause I'm like, this girl I've always felt was beautiful from afar as in my apartment right now for a Bible study and introduced myself to her. And then we just, that's where we met, that's where we hit it off. But I gave it some time. So we met November 1st, but I waited till like late January to officially ask her out and we hung out in a lot of groups settings because I wanted to know what she was like around other people. I wanted to know her heart. I also didn't know if she was Christian 'cause I wanted her to be a Christian. 'Cause if she's not Christian, then we're gonna butt heads on some stuff and so I had to see if she loved Jesus and what that looked like and she far exceeded any expectations or assumptions that I had. So I think all that helped, but mainly I would say due to honestly having the Bible as a source to gauge, not just someone that's not like me using the Bible and looking at you and going, oh man, he on, you're such a this or all you're doing good at this. I just mean in general like the Bible is such a good gauge for me to know where someone's hard at. Hard is at with Jesus, you know, and then I can go, okay, wow, like I'm looking at what you're doing here and I have flaws too, like I make mistakes. So, you know, it's nice to have someone that can sharpen you and challenge you and my wife, she keeps it real, she don't hold back. So sometimes it stings, but it's good, so that's how we met. Where were you at when you proposed? Like what was it, what was it setting? I did in Malibu, I rented an Airbnb that had a backyard and it like overlooked the ocean. That's sick. Yeah, dude, it was super cool. And when, when was this? I got engaged in late October, or mid late October. Wow. And you're 22? Yeah. Bro, I tell, like when I'm on stream, I'm like, I tell my people, like I want to get married early and they're like, no, you're trippin'. But I feel like, young marriage is lit, bro. Yeah, right? It's lit. Yeah, commitment is epic. Being committed to someone making a covenant with someone, it's awesome. Wait, how are you? 21. Oh, okay, cool. Wait, when's your birthday? August 13th. Oh, is it? It doesn't for you. Okay. Do you feel like people born in June shouldn't have a birthday. What? Wait, huh. What month are we in right now? June. Oh. Are you born in June? Okay, good. All right. Do you think anyone born in June? No, it's so random. Why would you think that? I don't know. I just don't know anyone that has a birthday in June. In June? Like, do you know anyone that has a birthday in June? Damn, like they're going to be watching and there's going to be a June birthday. And they're going to be like, wow. This guy's a piece of s***. Hey. I'm sorry if you have a June birthday in June. If you're born in June, you don't matter. No, I'm kidding. I'm just kidding. I've never heard of a June birthday. I've never heard of June birthday either. They just kind of made me think. No, not made June July. No, I have not. I know, right? I always hear a lot of people have birthdays in like August, October. I have no a lot of people with October birthdays. I know a lot of people with January birthdays. But nothing in June. Question. Do you believe in signs and stuff? Do Christians believe in that? Like zodiac signs? No. Okay. No, no, no. Yeah, we don't believe in that. I don't believe in that either. You're like, okay, cool. Yeah. I was trying to understand. Do you feel like you're in control with your life? I mean, like I can make my own decision. Like I can. In every aspect of your life. Like do you feel like you're in control? No. Yeah. Not really. I feel like my work has a control of my life. Like something like that. No. Yeah, I can't control it. Like I can't control. Like me. Like I have to stream. Like I have to do this. I have to travel. I have to do that. I don't. I feel like I don't have the control. And I don't have the power in me to even say no. Like if I have a good stream, I have to do it. I can't take breaks. Like in the streaming world, one week is like two months. Because it moves like this. It moves so fast. So I just. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. I don't think I. Yeah, I know. Does that scare you? Like I said, I just tried not to think about it. Now I got to think about it. Thank you, bro. Thanks, man. Oh, no. Yeah, dude. It's really unhealthy. It's not good. And a lot of people don't see this side. And they think like, oh, this guy's just over here streaming. Meeting these people. Going viral, whatever, making money. But there's a lot that it takes a toll on you. It really does. You're a human. We're all humans. No matter what we're doing in life, no matter like LeBron James is a human. We're all the same. So we all deal with the same problems. Yeah. Do you feel like what you're doing right now fulfills you? I was having this conversation recently actually. I don't think I've ever in life as of right now truly been fulfilled. To where I feel like at peace. And I always thought what would make me fulfilled was views. When I become one of the biggest streamers when I make this money, I'm going to feel so happy. And it's cool. It's fun. Yeah. I got what I wanted. But true fulfillment and feeling at peace. No. It hasn't given me that. Do you want the true fulfillment in peace? I just don't know. That's where I have to go to God, obviously. And I used to be really religious, to be honest. But back at home. And I really feel like this is one of the reasons why I'm here where I'm at today. It's like I literally would sit down and I would like cry and pray. And I'm like, God, please. Like, this is all I ever want. Like all I want in life is to become one of the biggest streamers. Like, please, please, please, I would do it every single day. And then, right, did it? Left home. Like, achieve what I wanted to achieve. And then just stop praying. Wow. Yeah, like I just stopped. Like I still struggle with this. Like, there's so many distractions. There's so much wrong things around me. There's so much stuff I have to deal with. And like, there's some stuff I don't want to like put on stream. And like, I do. And I still deal with that. Like, for example, like, there was an era when I was putting a bunch of only fans girls on stream. Which I like completely don't agree with. Like, I don't agree with only fans. I don't like any of that stuff at all. I think it's disgusting. But I just, I had to do stuff that I didn't want to do. And I stopped praying. And I got like a deep hole. Let me ask you a little bit about that. You said you used to be deep in your religion. You're ethically and religiously Muslim. And then now where are you at with just faith, religion? in general. I mean, I obviously believe in God. I do believe in Islam, like I am a Muslim, but I just, I stepped away from all the prayers and stuff. For us, we're supposed to pray five times a day. I haven't been praying much at all, which is disgusting. It's terrible. And my mom is really religious. My dad, he's religious too. He volunteers at the mosque every week. My mom, on top of everything, my little brother is even religious. I went to Sunday school for like six years. So I, like, I was born the right way. My parents did what they could, but I just, all this stuff is a lot. And it, it's so easy to get off the right track. And like, there's no excuses, honestly. Like, it's, it's in mean. I got to find it within me. And I'm going to find it. But like, I do believe in God. And I do thank God for everything. But I just need to get back on on what I was doing before. Dude, that fulfillment and peace question is what, like, rightfully jacked me up before I, I wanted to take my life because I, because I went to the private Christian school. So we had to have to take a Bible class every year. And my junior year, our Bible class was, it was like a world religions class. So the, the teacher would teach you why the other religions contradicted Christianity or whatever. But then I would go home and research those religions, wondering if they would work for me. Okay. And I was like, looking into everything, bro. And then all these self-help books. And I couldn't, I couldn't figure out what was working. I finally got to a place where I was like, if I've got a broken heart and we live in a broken world and I can't even fix my broken heart here, then there's no way I could work my way to perfection. Like, there's no way I could build my way up to heaven or work my way up to heaven. And you know, I think for me, that's why Jesus is so attractive. Actually, the, one of the names the Bible gives Jesus is the Prince of Peace. Literally, that's like a name that they give him. But the Christian perspective of Jesus would say, instead of me doing good because I have to get to heaven, it's I do good because of what Jesus has already done, meaning like he's already paid the price. What he did on the cross is righteous and justified. And why it's my slate clean is if I've never done anything wrong. So that healed my broken heart and that peace right there knowing that he did the word for me, that's where I get my fulfillment now. And so it doesn't matter what goes on out here or, you know, I mean, we always want everyone to have a, you know, a fun time, even off camera hanging out and stuff like that. But, you know, if you're just like, man, like Bryce, you know, you're cool, but like, I, you're just not my kind of guy. Like that, you know, I'm like, God bless you, but in my heart, I'm content because I, what Jesus did, you know what I mean or what happens if I have a hard week or if I lose a friend or if something's going on in my marriage or, you know, something over here, it's like I have this fulfillment and contentment. My, I remember my sophomore year, I had a Bible teacher and he's like the closest person to us saying, I think I've ever met in my life. He asked this question and I've never forgot it. He said, where do you find your satisfaction, your significance and what gives you security? And when I ask myself that question, I try to remind myself that a lot because if I'm in a place now where I try to find my security and something other than Jesus, then it's off because if I try to find my security and like, I don't know, I'm just going to say money, for example. Well, if I die, that's not going to help me. You know, or if I try to get satisfied by what you think about me, well, you know, I love you, but you know, I could change my opinion about you, you could change your opinion about me. Well, that's like a bad way to gauge if I'm satisfied because people can change their minds about each other. And so that's why I've really been attracted to Jesus because if I would say he doesn't change his mind about me, he's the Prince of Peace. He's satisfied my soul, all of these things. And that has given me this sense of like purpose, desire, fulfillment, satisfaction, all of the above, which that's just been a fun journey to be on, you know. That's cool. Have you ever been to church? Yeah. I have been. What was that like? I have been. I was in a two-year relationship with someone who's Christian. Now she's on like a very good path. And she's, you know, streaming, talking about God, and everything. It's great. But she was getting baptized. So the back story of that, she was, when I first met her, I met her at this house. She was on OnlyFans doing all this stuff, whatever. We met each other. And we, I mean, we went on a whole journey together. Whatever it is, she quit. And then we broke off like, when was this August? And I just, she's, she's on like a very, very good, very good path. But yeah, I went to church with her for that. And it was, it was cool. I mean, everyone seems very connected. Everyone seems very, like, they really do believe everything they see. And it was, it was a good experience for sure. And I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't think there's anything wrong with going to church. Like, like, seeing it, like, seeing different religions, there's nothing wrong with that at all. Yeah, dude, I've been, I mean, I've been to mosque a few times. I've sat, I've sat in there and had discussions with the mom and stuff like that, even one like 15 minutes from here and stuff like that. And dude, I love, I love talking with Muslims because, you know, one thing that I respect about Muslims is that they pray a lot more than some Christians do. They fast a lot more than some Christians do. They give a lot more than some Christians do. So I have a lot of respect for that because it challenges me. And they know a lot of like the Old Testament. You know, like, if you try to go bar for bar on like stuff, but then they know a lot of Old Testament. So like it, it challenges you to read your Bible more. Yeah. So that, that's always fun. Do you have the Bible memorized? No, I do not have the Bible memorized, but in my, in my, because the Bible's huge. Is it bigger than the Quran? Yeah, it's way bigger than the Quran. So do people, do people memorize the Bible? I know a guy, like, I know a guy from my old church when I grew up where he memorized the whole gospel of Luke or Matthew, which is like 28 chapters. Okay. He memorized the whole thing, which is a lot. We had to like in high school, we had to memorize an entire chapter of the book of Romans, which was a lot. But yeah, I feel like that there's people out there that do that. But I've never gotten that far. I know like, like sections or verses. Yeah. I don't know like, what's your favorite verse? Psalm 25 verse 14. It says the friendship of God is for those who fear him. Can you explain that? Yeah. So like the fear of the Lord and the Bible is not like me hiding and shaking and fear. The fear of the Lord is like a reverent respect for someone. It's like my, my, my dad or your dad, like you don't listen to your dad because you have to. You do it because you want to because you love him. Like you have a reverent, you have a reverence for your dad. You have like a respect. Like you love him, but you respect him. So it's like that fear of the Lord where like if I want to become friends with God, then I'm going to have this reverent respect. We're like, yeah, we're friends, but like you're also my Lord. So I'm going to, whatever you say, like I'm trusting your way is better. I'm trusting what you have in store for me is better than what I think. Things like that makes sense. So what do you think happens when we die? It's crazy. I was just going to tell you this. I'm afraid of death. Why? I'm so scared. I need to do my research. I need to like tap more into my religion obviously because that everything's written, right? Like what's going to happen after death? All the stuff which wouldn't make me not scared. But yeah, I have like that real fear. Like I like, and I think every day, like what's the point of me doing all this stuff? Like grinding, working my butt off, like doing all this. If I'm just going to, it's just like this. Like all the money you make, none of them matters. You're going to lose it like within one second. So that's why I was struggling with two, like what what's what's the purpose? Like what's the reason for all this? And do you think it would So right now do you think it like goes all black or you just like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I believe in heaven and hell for sure. Okay. Yeah, it's just I just it just scares me like it really scares me. And it's scared. Okay, so let me ask you this on a scale of one to 10. 10 being absolutely certain one being not certain at all. How confident are you that you would go to heaven? Maybe like a seven like eight and why is that? I mean, I think I'm a good person. I think I think I do I do the right things, but at the same time, like, I don't take it back. I'm not a seven because this because of this main thing. Like all my sins, everything I do wrong it from what I've heard and from like what I've been told whatever is is is multiplied because of the people that see it like the people what I if I'm showing wrong. Something wrong, for example, like, I don't know if I could say like a girl twerking like and like whether like yourself and everyone's looking at it, you know, stuff like that. And it's everyone there's just like that like tens of thousands of people looking at it or I'm just showing the wrong thing. Like showing my sins, showing the wrong things is is I think that's that can really mess me up. And that's why I just I'm just slowly trying to switch up my content to where I don't have to do that type of stuff. What do you feel like you're a seven? Yeah, man. Dude, I don't know am I a seven? Maybe a six. I don't know. Like I hate thinking about stuff like I just need to lock in like and I keep telling myself I need to lock in and I'm like slowly locking in, but it's yeah. Okay. Yeah. What would you think your number is? I think you're broke. You're good bro. You're chilling. Like you're so good, bro. Like you'll switch lives. I mean, I think I'm a 10 but not because I think I'm a good person. It's just what I believe about Jesus. That's why I think I'm a 10 because again, the Christian perspective is not how much good I can do. Right. That's like actually what it's not about. It's about what Jesus has done because we believe from the Christian perspective, we obviously believe that Jesus is God. But we believe he lived a perfect life. So whereas like you and I have never lived perfect life, but he did. So you and I, we've done wrong. The same way a murderer deserves to go to jail. We deserve to be punished for our wrongdoing. [BLANK_AUDIO] or even heaven and hell, whereas I just did the six, seven, or seven hell, but like, you know what I mean? Then, whereas Jesus has done nothing wrong, but he took one of the most gruesome deaths recorded in human history, and the Bible says, for the joy set before Jesus, he endured the cross. So my immediate question is, okay, if someone is innocent, has never done anything wrong, and lived a perfect life, why would they die the most gruesome death that they didn't deserve? If that's true, because in my mind, that doesn't make sense. If I get accused of doing something wrong, the first person that's like, pull up the text messages, pull up the receipts, so I did not say that, I didn't do that. Why didn't he do that? And the Bible says, it's because he was thinking about me and you, that the whole reason that Jesus was willing to die on the cross and resurrect is because he loves us so much that he wanted to do whatever it took to have a relationship with us. So now the choices are, it's like, if we put faith in trust that what Jesus did on the cross enough to forgive our sins, then we have eternity with him. And then if we don't put faith in trust in that, it breaks God's heart, but he respects our choice 'cause he doesn't force everyone to believe in him. It breaks God's heart, but he respects our choice and we spend an eternity separate from him. But that's like, that's literally my favorite thing about Jesus 'cause I tried so hard to work, do whatever I could to just fix my depression and anxiety and it didn't work. And then the second I surrendered and let in Jesus deal with it, that's where I saw the change. And for some people, he doesn't take away their anxiety and depression. There's things that Jesus didn't immediately take out of my life and that's okay. But the things that he didn't take out of my life keep me dependent on him and the things that he did take out of my life keep me praising him because I'm so grateful that he took it out of my life. But I definitely don't think I'm a Tim because I think I'm like a good moral person. No, I wanna clear that. - And Christianity, if you're a believer, like if you believe then you go to heaven. - Yeah, you're putting faith in what Jesus did on the cross his death and resurrection because even the Bible says, even the demons believe, right? So then my question is like, what would make me and you different than the demons? Like what makes us different? Well, there's a lot of things that make us different than the demons, but I don't wanna just be someone, like we talked about earlier, I don't wanna be a hypocrite. You don't wanna look at you in the face and be like, oh yeah, bro, I love Jesus. And then like we get off camera and I'm like getting drunk and cussing up a storm and like, you know, I'm like acting like I'm not married. You know, I don't wanna do that. So there's an aspect of like, what's the fruit on my tree? What fruit do I have on my tree? You know, my bearing good fruit. The Bible talks about the fruits of the spirit and then the fruits of the flesh. And I wanna be someone that bears good fruit, you know? And the Bible says that let our good works be shown before men. So it gives glory to our father who's in heaven, which is incredible. Do you believe like demons could be inside of people? I think that people possess people. I think I believe in demon possession, but I personally don't think demons can possess Christians. Does that make sense? Like I don't think Christians could be possessed. I think that anyone whether Christian or not can be oppressed, meaning like attacked by demons. What if like your Christian, but you're not like a firm believer, like you're not really religious, you think? Well, I guess it's like how do you define a believer? Right, because when we look at the narrative of scripture when Jesus is like on the cross before he's dying, he's got two criminals next to him on the cross. Okay. And one criminal is like, if you were really the Messiah, you would get us off the cross. And then the other criminal is like, oh, this dude's really the Messiah. Like I've done a lot of messed up stuff. So just remember me when you get to paradise. And Jesus looks at that guy and he's like, you'll be with me. That guy didn't believe in him for maybe like 30 minutes and then they both died, you know what I mean? Whereas like you and I have lived so much more long and I've been following Jesus for five plus years. So there's an aspect of is it time that makes someone a believer? No, the Bible says, and you would know this too. It's a Muslim, like God looks at the heart. He's gonna look at the heart and see the heart. You know, I've got a bunch of tattoos and stuff, but like God's looking at my heart. You know, he's seeing my heart posture. Do I actually sincerely love him with my heart? And so the question is not like, are you religious enough? Like have you done enough stuff for him? It's like the reason why I go to church and I read my Bible and I do these things. It's all out of an overflow of loving Jesus. Like it's all because I love him. Like I read my Bible because I want to know him more. I go to church because I want to know him more and I want to surround myself with more believers. And I talk to people on the street about Jesus because I love God and we're talking about Jesus right now because man, I love him and I want you to know him. And so you know, it's like that kind of vibe. It's all out of like an overflow of love. If that makes sense. - Yeah, it does. - Don't care if I pray for you before we leave. - Let's not love that. - All right, let's do it. Jesus, thank you so much for today, God. Thank you for Neon. Thank you for our time getting to hang out together. God, you just be with us. Guide us and protect us, Lord. Would you just continue to reach Neon and speak to him? God, give him rest, give him vision, give him clarity, give him peace. Lord, we love you so much. In Jesus' name, amen.