How To Win a Fight

The following podcast is a deer media production. Hi, I'm Iskra. And I'm Phil. This is "Couplish." Time to check in. So, we're back. Okay, we've got to do our check-in. Oh, yeah. How are you feeling physically, emotionally, spiritually? So, we're starting off with physically every time now. I honestly think we did spiritually last time first. I think it was spiritually. But you know what? I like from now on, I want to start mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. That's what our check-in was. It's always just three. You've never thrown mentally in there until just right now. I think mentally, I have. You're mentally wrong. So, I've always said spiritually, emotionally, physically. Yep, consistently, for four years. I want to say, I've said mentally. Well, you haven't on this podcast. Who has a podcast you've been checking in on? Let's go back and look at the tape. We'll go back and look at the tape to see. But so, we're going to start with physically, spiritually, emotionally. Yeah, I think you actually said spiritually, emotionally, physically. What you said on the last recording tape. So, you asked me, though, physically first. I'm checking in with you. I know, but you asked me, what was the first one? Whatever came out on my first. I just wanted to know how you're feeling. Apart from me putting lotion on it. Yeah, my face is ashy. I feel like my face is ashy. But that's on me because I should have put on some lotion before. Or I put some lotion in my bag. We had a rough day today because we, you know what I'm saying? We just flew in on landed, came to just get to record. Well, I missed my flight. Yeah, you did miss your flight because you decided to put a lot of shows on one day. That's why it's my flight. It's very good. It's very good. You said it was a devil earlier. I love artists, right? And this is something that artists do. They have no real concept of time. They just think that they can create and just show. And like, oh, I'll be there whenever the time is. Your jacket has turned into me being. Wow. So taken down. Physically, my face is ashy, but I'm okay. Also, I'm not doing a great job of working out consistently right now. I need to be better at that. Don't be too hard on yourself. I feel like motivation for moving comes in waves. Yeah. And like, when you're on it, you are so on it. But sometimes also your body just requires rest. There's a season for rest and there's a season for like being in beast mode. See, thank you for being kind to me. It's so cool. Mm-hmm. I give it, spread it freely. Thank you. Spiritually, I feel good. You know, spiritually, I feel like as far as like on my meters of physically, spiritually, emotionally, spiritually, I feel the most filled. Mm-hmm. That's good. You know, because I'm praying every single day. That's something that I've been extremely consistent on for like almost two to three years of like praying every single day. It's something that I always do. And that feels good to be able to talk to God and to be able to like no matter how much my exterior may. Yeah, it's consistency there and support. It feels good there. Emotionally, I feel like I need to cry at one point. Mm-hmm. I haven't cried in a long time. It's been a while. Yes, it's our son was born. I haven't cried in a while. He makes me cry all the time. But things have happened to me that like not that I should cry, but like that I've been upset about and probably just been like. I've been telling you you need to mourn your career. Not a fan. But like everything got taken away from you. Yeah, I need to mourn it. I need to mourn it, but. Tori lanes. Yeah. That up touring, disappearing during COVID, your crypto plummeted. No offense. Like it's been a rough couple of years. It's been rough. And I think that's worth crying about. Just one of those things would make someone cry. You know, guys, it sounds worse than it is. You know, I think that yes, my comfort zone, I'm not in it at all. But at the same time, I'm at the most peaceful place. Yeah. That's for sure. You're in the build phase. But the build phase sucks because I'm so ex, I'm me. And. And it's like, I thought that I was done with that. You know, could you come from football? Boom. I reinvented myself then. Boom. Reinvented myself as a tour manager. I have to be respectful. Boom. I'm a tourman. Reinvented myself as an executive. Boom. I had to get trusted as an executive. I did that. Boom. Now I'm reinventing myself again, separate from Tory, but like my own brand and helping artists. And like what I bring to the table and like, how my network and my relationships can break. And I could say, it's like such a thing. I mean, it's always something. It's God. Thank you for the growth. Yeah. Thank you. But damn. I know. It's always something. Why are you always pushing me to be better? That's what he does. That's what I do. That's what we're all trying to do. But anyone listening to this is going to relate to that. Especially at this point in time, I think that nothing has ever been less stable than right now. That's for sure. Everyone's figuring it out. But fuck. That's strong. You know, I understand, trials and tribulations come. We all have our shit. I don't feel like doing that right now. That's all. And I probably should cry. But I don't have even time to do that. I have shit to do. I have shit to build. I have shit to create. So it's like, I know I need to give myself a little bit of time to be like, yo, P. You had a rocky couple of years, brother. I know you're pushing through. You're making it. You're doing what you can do. But like, you need to take that in and feel that. Well, yeah. Well, that was a great check in my love. Oh, it was. Thank you. I didn't even expect it to go there. It went there. And I'm very appreciative because this is what you need to do as a couple. Oh, for sure. Really know how your person is feeling and what season they're in because they'll need different levels of support and different types of communication, so just always knowing that that's how you're feeling is helps me navigate how to speak to you, how to lean on you or sometimes you maybe even have to be like, they're going through a lot. Also let me hold my stuff together a little bit more just because I want to burden you too much. Also, you know, there's also the awareness that I have of like, yo, I feel like I need to be a better partner to you. I also feel like I need to be a better father like those. You're the most incredible. You gas and I love you. Keep going. Okay. That's all I got. But no, you are. You're phenomenal. You show up for both of us all the time. And I know I can rely on you. I left this week to go and do my thing and go to this female founders retreat. And I didn't even pack our son's bag because I just knew you've got that. I don't have to worry about anything that's sweet that you did that and let me figure that out. Thank you. Thank you. Because you've got to give someone responsibility to show you trust them with responsibility. That's true. And trust is your love language. That is very true. So if I like made you feel like you weren't capable of being a father or capable of raising us on without me there, that would then make you think she doesn't trust me to do that. And the whole thing diminishes. That's very true. Yeah. See what you did there. Oh, how are you doing spiritually, emotionally, physically? Because I know it's for, I know I say mentally, but whatever, we'll just say spiritually, emotionally, physically. Because we're never going to get through the podcast of you adding a fourth one. That's true. You know, I mean, physically same thing. I wish I could work out more and I will now because we got the Oxford delivered. That's true. Shout out to Oxford. Shout out to the home gym equipment of the future. But yeah, I mean, I've been traveling. So I'm physically tired, but I'm really excited because me and you tonight have a mom dad alone night. So physically, I'm trying to get jiggy with it. We're not going, we're not going to say jiggy with it, but I feel with our appropriations. Sometimes she just be white. Y'all, I want to, to my black community, I want to let, I know I'm not letting her play herself out here. We don't say jiggy at the crib. That's not what we do. I'm sorry. I just tripped up on my way. But to my black community, I know I'm already, I'm already messing up, but look, guys, I'm here. I'm here to nip that in the butt. We're not going to say jiggy. No more. That is, that is. That is. I don't know what's appropriate to say. Yeah, but because my dad listens to it. I know. Hankey, that's why I'm going to say Hankey, I just want to love on you. - All right, we can say that. - We can say that. - Yeah, we can say that 'cause that's the thing. That's what made white people corny is when y'all try to do some black shit. - Well, I didn't, you know what's funny? I don't know why you came out. - But y'all always do a corny and some black thing that you could do and say some shit like jiggy and it's like, why would you bring that, why would you pull that with a black card, you know what? But I love you. - Yeah. - I can accept the maybe. - Oh, for sure, I'm glad that we get to be with just us 'cause we haven't had that time in a while. - No. - He's been traveling with us and going everywhere with us. It's been great. - Yeah, so I'm excited about that. And maybe a good night's sleep too, we'll see. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. (laughing) And then, emotionally, yeah, today stressed me out. I'm really stressed me out. I hate letting people down and I basically had to let two podcast guests that were both couples. Four people, actually, feels even worse, let them down and re-schedule. So that also stresses me out because it's like, had this day set ahead that we were gonna record these podcasts and we've done the interview questions there and then we had it all planned out and then it all fell apart and I missed my fly and just, you know, it's stressful. - Something you just can't control, though. - Well, yeah. - But I can control that, but I'm going to be like, ah, I think you can control everything, actually. - So yeah, emotionally, just a bit stressed, I'm already feeling better and just being able to communicate how I'm feeling helps me feel better. - Ah, that's good. - So spiritually, see, I'm not doing a great job of being consistent like you are. And I keep saying, and I feel like we have the conversation of like, we need to find a church in Austin, we need to find a black church in Austin or at least a diverse inclusive church. - Yeah, that's me. I'm messing up. I need to be on that. But I think that's my responsibility. - 'Cause I really wanna get a consistent family. - Definitely. - You know, weekly, let's go to church. No, this is our time to invest in our relationship with God. So that's really important for us to figure out. So yeah, I feel like I have a lot of that part figured out, yeah, basically. But I feel like that's a good check-in. - Yeah, we're gonna get to it. I love it. - Okay, all right. So the most exciting thing about this episode is, we have our first audience question. So we're gonna do that at the end. - Okay. - All right, so any of you who want to leave us a question, in the episode notes, we will drop the link and you can go and you can leave us a voicemail. It could be a question or it could be a confessional. 'Cause we, you know, we're all about the juice. So this episode was us talking about how to win a fight. - Yeah, but she had an answer actually, guys, planned out for me. So I was like, but I want you to answer it the way that you're gonna answer it. And then I'm gonna answer it the way that I want it. - Well, I just kind of wanted you to click on it and be like, how to win a fight because that feels like it's productive, right? It's like, oh, I want to win the fight. - That's true. - If we're fighting about something in our relationship. But my very, or do you call it Einstein answer to this is actually to tell you that if one person wins, nobody wins. - Wow. - That is my philosophical answer of how to win a fight because the real win in a fight is compromising. Such a beautiful, exciting, word, a riveting word, compromise. - Yeah. - That's how you truly win a fight is compromising because if you aren't agreeing on something, something has to give. - That's true. - That's true. - And if there's like a person who wants to win over the other person, then you're not working as a team. - That's true. - You're opponents. You can't be opponents in your own relationship. - That's true. But somebody has to be right. - That's not true. (laughing) - Everyone can be right because it's their opinion. - Sometimes a lot of the times. - Wow. - I'm right. And sometimes. - But does it matter though? - A little bit of it. - Okay, for example. - Yes. - Let's say we're watching a show. - Okay. - But we're watching House of Dragons. - Right. - And I say, oh man, those seven seasons of Game of Thrones were so good and you go, baby, there was eight. And I go, no, there was seven. Baby, baby, there's eight. - I know I'm right. And then it's turned into a fight. Plates have been flying around. - That wouldn't have happened. - What? - Yeah. - Anywho. And I'm wrong. There was, you know, there was eight. So in that moment though. - I think it's the ways that you fight is what can be productive. Because like everybody's going to get into this agreement. But some people fight unproductively. You know what I'm saying? - Some people fight just to get a reaction. - That's very true. And that's very unproductive. - And just to like get something off that chest that's just been like, you know, one for a while that they need to release. - You know what I'm saying? And that's not productive. But you know, when you know you got a win, like as far as like when you know that you're going to be right, then, you know, my way of doing it is, I said it. Let's remember this. That's why I always, I like the keeper. - Oh, I hate you. - I love what you do that. - All right, remember. - There was nothing more annoying than when you think you're right. - I'm the other person thinks you're right. And then you like stand strong like, no, no, no, it was seven. No, no, it was eight. And then he goes. - I like to say, okay. Whenever I talk in this tone, y'all, all right. So, okay. So, remember, all right. Remember this. - Remember this. - Remember this. - 'Cause when you remember it, now we both had that look into each other's eyes. This is like the road to accountability when you're wrong. - It's so annoying. - Once we get there, now all I have to do is look. And now I'm satisfied and you're satisfied. 'Cause I'm not saying I told you so. But I'm also like. - You're literally like. (laughing) - Don't get so, don't even have to say it. But like, there are some times where, you know, I think, you know, when we've had disagreements or when we've had fights, whenever you take a break and like step away and like think about it. 'Cause we've had times where like we've gotten into it. And like, I'll just take a break and then I'll come back and express how I feel. Same thing with you, you'll take a break, process, and then express how we feel. - 'Cause in that moment, especially if you're using that tone or doing, remember this. - Exactly. - Like it's sometimes hard to then process in like a calm, emotional way, your reaction. - That's true. - Because sometimes you need to remove yourself from the situation. So maybe find like a safe space in your home. And it's like, you know what? When things escalate, I'm gonna walk over there and sit down, read a book, partner show, eat a snack, whatever you need to do. - Process that. - Process it without the, remember this? (laughing) You know? And then you can come back and that really helps. - Yeah, it really does. - Breathing, time, because it can take you out of the escalation mode and just bring you back down. - But we let each other, sometimes we just let each other, it's just not work, like we're just like. - Oh yeah, most of the time when you think about what disagreements are actually about, they don't even matter. You know, and the most of the time we just laugh at us. But I think it's important to talk about like, a lot of people go into a fight to win. - That's very true. - You know? And that's where I'm saying, it's a losing game. If you are purely going into win a fight, because this is not your opponent, this is your team mate, your team players. So sometimes, like there are definitely times where I have told you things, fill it pain, and you don't remember. And so, you know, I can get frustrated 'cause I can be like, I told you that we were going here today, or I told you to remember that. And you go, "No, you didn't." And I'm like, "No, I did, I know I said it." And then he'll go, "When did you say it? Tell me the date and time." And I'm like, "Why can't I remember that?" Choose day at 3, 14 p.m. I don't know, but at those points, that's when I just have to brush that off, 'cause it is not worth me coming back with. Yeah, 'cause, you know, 'cause I think we found out why that happens. I don't know where we were looking at, or something, or maybe you said me something, it's like, guys can't pay attention, usually. When they're doing something, it's like when you ask me something, and I'm doing something, or I think anybody, not even guys, but like when you're doing something. - Yeah, if you're on the phone, if he is doing anything on the phone. - And you say something. - And that's why I think I don't often get frustrated, but I think that's where it could be a point of contention, is if you're scrolling through your phone, then if someone's trying to communicate with you, and there is something important, and you actually respond and do a like, mm-hmm, or just a nod, and I'm like, okay, he got that. Actually, you didn't. And then I'm like, time, was that? - Yeah. - I feel less important than the phone. - Well, I'm so glad that, you know, you never ever let yourself not remind me some stuff. (laughing) It was really important, like you will keep telling me. Which I'm okay with, I keep telling me. - Oh, you were saying that was a negative thing? - No, no, I'm glad that you were like, yo, yo, yo. - Okay, I didn't say that many times, but I get what you're saying. - But, you know what, when you don't like get upset about it, makes me feel like shit. Let me give you a perfect example. - Oh, wow, okay. - There was a tripod, guys, by the stairs. This woman told me, I can at least, wrote at least 12 times, nicely, God. I want to let y'all know, it wasn't even a naggy thing. It wasn't one of like, but she had brought like, and it was a big tripod too, like one of those, you know, factory tripod, and she was like, yo, can you bring that up when you have a chance? - I don't went up and down the stairs for like weeks. - Two weeks? (laughing) - Two weeks, three hours. - The tripod was just right there. We don't went out of town, came back, tripod, still right there. I didn't told her, no, but I got you, I got you. And then one day, I never forget, I walked in, I was gonna get the tripod, it was already gone. (laughing) I felt awful, I feel awful about it to this day. (laughing) And now, because of that, 'cause she didn't, you know, yell at me about it or she didn't nag me about it, she just asked me nicely. Now, I'm like very hyper aware of when she asked me something and asked me to do something. - That worked, everyone. - It worked. - I just had to live with a huge tripod in the middle of the hallway. Let me tell you, it's as soon as you walk through the door, essentially blocking the staircase, that's where the tripod I let sit for two weeks. - It was just there, it was just there. - 'Cause I was committed and believed in him that he could do it, that would do it. - And that's where he worked upstairs, so he walks past that tripod. - And then the tripod just disappeared, I was just like. - Yeah. (laughing) - Wow, but yeah, thank you for that, you know what I'm saying? Thank you for giving me that time. - But doesn't it feel bad when you in a fight? - Yeah, it does kinda, you know? 'Cause maybe there's a temporary high of like, I told you so, I was right, but then your partner's feeling so upset. - I'm sorry, it wasn't even about that. - You know, so I think that, you know, I'll take away from this episode and we'll be hoping any of you listening is, just remember that not your opponent. - Yeah, that's not your opponent. You're our teammates at the end of the day. - Yeah, you gotta figure that out. You gotta compromise, you gotta step away, do some breathing, and try and come back cool calm headed. - Yeah, 'cause it's also okay to agree to disagree. 'Cause like, it's all about understanding and just at least having enough empathy and compassion for the other person and their feelings. Just validating the feelings is like, all anybody really wants. - And saying when you are in a fight like, this makes me feel like, instead of kind of forcing, your opinion or facts, if you say it's always like, what I'm feeling, that helps improve the empathy. - That makes sense. - And also, do not say this ever when someone says, you made me feel this way. - Mm-hmm. - If you are sorry, just say, I'm sorry. - Yeah, I know what you're about to say. - 'Cause when people say, I'm sorry, I made you feel that way, that is bullshit. (laughing) Wherever I've said that to somebody, I really meant fuck you. (laughing) You know what I'm saying, right? So whenever someone tells you it's vulnerable enough with you to be like, yo, this made me feel this way. I make your intention to be like, yo, I'm sorry. - Right. - Period, though, at the end. Because I've made you feel that way. - Oh yeah. - It even sounds decadent. - It is, especially the way you're saying it. (laughing) - Not everyone listening to this is like. Don't let nobody tell you that. - My best friend said something to me yesterday. - Let's say, yeah, if you read it in text, oh, if it's in a text message, root, root. - Yeah, that is rude. - Sorry, I made you, I'm sorry, you felt that. - Oh, are you kidding me? Didn't just, you know what? Let's fight, that's what it looks like. - You know, be sweet to me. If you are sorry, if you are apologizing, apologize. - Mm-hmm. - If not, integrate to disagree. - Yeah. - Right, then. So I think it's time to listen to the little question we got from, - Oh yeah, let's listen. - From one of you. - In 2014, I ended a relationship that was incredibly difficult. From that point on, I had to start there with date casually. That meant hooking up with the hottest guys, just for the sake of hooking up. Flash forward to today. And I've decided that it's time to switch gears and start looking for something serious. My question to you guys is, did you ever go into a phase where you dated other people casually and explored fetishes and anything kinky before getting together and pursuing something serious? - Ooh, feel it pain. - Can you even say the word fetishes? - Fetishes? - Nah, well, me, I didn't. If she was to do that, like I would be okay with it, like I'm not tripping on that. - No, but I think what she's saying is, if me and you had started off casually and we'd explored some kinky stuff, some fresh stuff, and then we wanted to actually try and enter into a more normal relationship, like how you would handle that, if you think that's possible. So I guess neither of us have experience of the kinky fresh stuff. Honestly, the way I usually go into a relationship is I'm maybe it's 'cause I'm a Virgo, I'm very logical. I feel like I figure out pretty quickly if this person is literally just for fun. And just someone that, yeah, it's gonna be casual, just gonna be dating or whatever, it's just gonna be friendship or it's gonna be a little bit more. And then I know when someone is like someone I really connect with, and yeah, I see them as a partner. And I generally only invest my time and energy into people that I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna be in a relationship with that person. - Yeah, I don't think just communication is key. - Yeah, I don't think that it can't happen. - Yeah, communication is key, and it's just really, really, really important that you don't assume. And both men and women are guilty of going into relationships assuming that this is how it's going to go or this is how this person feels. It's like having, especially when it comes to sex, having a open dialogue is extremely important 'cause you never know what somebody might be into. - Right, and are those two mutually exclusive? I don't think so. I'm sure you can still have fetishy, kinky stuff going on with a 20-year-long marriage. I don't think that just because it starts off like that, it means that it's a no-go. I think if you have that communication and see if that person is open to something more, it could be. But also, I guess if that's how they treated the relationship from day one and feel like you understood that that's all it was gonna be, then if you come to them and say, "Hey, I wanna take it to the next level, did it there?" They very well might be like, "No, that's not what I signed up for." You have to be prepared for that and prepare your emotions and feelings. - Yeah, 'cause usually when you have a discussion, like things might change. - For sure. - So you just have to be aware of what you got and you have to be aware of that and willing to risk that. Which I think everyone should be because I do think that things change and happen for a reason. And even if at the point it might be like, "Tam, I open myself up, I was vulnerable, I asked for more, "and it didn't work out, I lost that person." Well, that just wasn't your person. - Person, yeah. - And it's given you space and opportunity to go and meet someone new who is gonna be your person. - And go explore that because you wanna, before you go into a relationship, you would like to be fulfilled and always already before, you know? - For sure. - All the relationship is for you guys to come together and bring what you guys already have together. But looking for somebody to like fill a hole isn't, you know? - Right. And with this relationship in particular, you're satisfied and fulfilled the kinky, fetch stuff. - Boom. - But now you're feeling like you want more of a partnership. Like is that the person you wanna do that with? Or is it just because you already have that person in your life and they're available? You think that that's the right person. - That's very true. - Yeah. Thank you so much for your question, Desenia. And like we said, check out episode notes for the link and you can drop us a voicemail or a confessional. - Yeah, and we'll be back next Friday and make sure to follow us and subscribe. - Thank you so much for listening. - You can catch a new episode of "Cublish" every Friday. - And don't forget to subscribe and leave a rating and review about me and the world's best. - Follow us on socials for all the behind the scenes action to get to know us a little bit more. I'm @IsgrareISKRA. - And I'm @PhilipAPaint with one now that is. - And we'll check in with you next week.