how to VALIDATE YOURSELF | stop seeking external validation, grow your self worth and level up!

If you have to pick up the phone and call somebody after you've been triggered or going through negative emotions If you have to run your big and small decisions even like what picture you should post on Instagram next Buy somebody if you struggle with rejection and your emotions are affected by other people's opinions of you Then you especially need to watch this video Seeking validation is the fastest way to betray yourself and in the process of doing so not only are you saying you don't trust yourself But you're saying that you rely on others to have better self-worth and that external opinions are more important than your own And after a while of engaging with this behavior not only will you lose yourself You'll find it difficult to love yourself and you could spend your entire life chasing others and still never feeling fulfilled Because you haven't taken the time to build a safe Supported validating and loving home to come back to you within yourself And that's why this video is all about how you can learn to finally validate yourself Learning to validate yourself will maximize your independence allow you to get to know yourself fully so you can actually be your own best friend It provides an effective practice to actually grow your self love and my favorite It will help you to manage your thoughts and emotions much better Let's get to the root of this because once you understand fully where it's coming from you can work back from it Effectively seeking validation is a very common thing But it looks different in every single person and this is because there are five types of validation You can seek romantic/male validation, social media validation, like likes, followers, etc. Community validation, this is what I like to call popularity validation wanting to be accepted by other people, the cool kids friends, etc. Familiar validation, this is when you'll bend over backwards to do anything that will make your family proud Even if it's not actually very self-serving to you, you'll allow family members or parents to overstep your boundaries Because you just want them to accept and love you And finally academic validation when you attach your worth to grades and achievements and success The reason people seek validation is because they are placing their self-concept and self-esteem in their hands of others Such as that approval from other people or from external factors like grades You are placing your self-love and your self-worth to something outside of yourself That literally makes no sense And that's why it never works long-term That's why it's a never-ending cycle You might get the likes and followers, you might get the guy to like you, you might be in with the popular kids But then you're chasing it, still over and over and over again, and never feeling fulfilled You are always chasing something because you are chasing the wrong thing Validation starts and ends within yourself Really, seeking validation is caused by having a very weak self-perception which is built on a very shaky foundation of your self-worth What I mean by this shaky foundation of self-worth is that an insult or online trolling Or even disapproval from a stranger can now cause insecurities within yourself because you haven't got that strong foundation So how can we reverse seeking validation from other people? The best way is to close the gap between your public and private self We want to take it from here to here So it's the same person Many of us build a persona that we use in social settings our public self And we carefully curate this public self so that we can gain the desired perception we want other people to have of us For example, we might try to be quieter or have fewer opinions so no one disagrees with us and we're not controversial We might water down our personality because we think that's the only way we'll get more friends You know like when you meet some of the first time you're like you know don't be too much or I have to be a bit more of a refined, perfect, polite, nicer version of myself So now let me reassure and validate you it is not your fault that you seek validation The reason that you do is because you probably received little to no validation when you were a child Or maybe you didn't receive validation when you were growing up in your teenagers, from your family, your friends, maybe even your teachers Validation is an underrated form of love and acceptance and it should not be held back from anyone And if it was held back from you then of course you're going to have unhealthy coping mechanisms like people pleasing or seeking male validation Or attaching your worth to your academics That is not your fault and I'm so sorry that that's the place that you're in However, although it is not your fault it is your responsibility to make a better life for your present self It is your mission to be there for yourself so you don't keep suffering in the long term Because at the end of the day you are and you need to believe that you are beautiful enough You are smart enough, you are desirable enough And you are worthy enough of everything you want You are worthy enough to be validated just from yourself And you need to hold that self validation to such a high standard That the opinions of others no longer hold any significance to how you feel about yourself And this is the perfect time to bring in male validation This is something I struggled with for so many years It's a never ending path of trying to fill a hole within yourself which only craves self love But that's hard so you go out and you seek it from other people instead Because a compliment, a text from a guy being asked on a date is quick and easy And it will give you that dopamine hit so fast But it will not fulfill you long term So let's cut that shit out and this is how First and foremost take men off the pedestal and put yourself on it instead Affirm it, I am that bitch, I always have been and I always will be Regardless of what anybody else says I don't care if you believe it, you are going to say this to yourself And not times until you do You are going to embody the energy of being your own it girl Until it naturally becomes a part of you Also just because somebody else gets more male attention than you Does not take away your beauty or your worth as a woman Please do not let it define you because men's tastes are very questionable They are not to be trusted, okay? Men should be the last people to be the deciders of anybody's worth or beauty It's 2023, we know how stupid men can be and the way decisions they make And yet you still trust that their opinion of you is valid What? Next, figure out your attachment style If you are seeking male validation Then chances are you have some attachment issues You could have an avoidant or an anxious attachment Take a free test online, learn what it is And then work back from it Read your books, take online courses, join therapy if you have to It is very possible And I say this from experience because I used to be an avoidant And now I am secure Majority of my issues around male validation came around Because I was an avoidant Because I loved flirting and being a serial data I also had a lot of internal insecurities So I was placing my worth in the hands of men So by working on my attachment issues Working on how to master detachment And working on my insecurities I was good as new The next step is my favourite and this is take a male detox Three months for six months for a year Do not date, no talking stages, no hugging up, no flirting Just loving your solitude Finding community, supporting friends, hobbies Building up your dream life After spending a year alone And not engaging in trying to impress men Trying to get them to like you Trying to get them to choose you, date you, whatever You will become so magnetic and confident And independent Your aura will be amazing And especially once you've taken that significant amount of time And spent it alone You are no longer going to care what other men think about you Because now you're used to not chasing it anymore It takes 30 days to form a habit So I don't care how hard an uncomfortable it feels For 30 days you are not going to date or talk to a man After a month you'll be used to it After a month you'll be used to loving yourself on your own company Then you keep it going Then your confidence increases Then you're more independent Then your standards skyrocket Then you don't even care what a man has to say about you And also please remember this Why do you need somebody else to tell you that you're beautiful Or that they like you You liking yourself is enough You can stop there I am proud of myself at XYZ Yes, maybe I have these few weaknesses and insecurities over that That's okay, that's human That doesn't make me any less worthy That doesn't make me imperfect Even if I am imperfect, that's fine But what I think about myself Is the only thing that matters So let's talk about the next form of seeking validation Which is people pleasing And how this can make you lose yourself I have had my own battles with this Over the course of my life so far This was even up until recently where I feel like I didn't feel worthy of friendship So I would water myself down So I was more digestible for others Or I would push myself to fit in a smaller box So that more people would like me Or I would bend over backwards to do favors For people and impress them So that they'd like me and approve of me And in doing all of that I lost myself Because I was signaling to my brain That my choices are not enough Me just being authentic on my own as I am Isn't enough I had this limiting ongoing belief that I have to perform And I have to earn other people's approval I can happily say I'm no longer in that place And this is how I spent so long growing myself love Through spending time by myself in my solitude Because the thing is Seeking validation and people pleasing is a very addictive behavior And it can turn into a never ending cycle Just like many other forms of validation So sit with yourself Start practicing when it's like to spend time with yourself And how fun it can be And over time you'll enjoy it A little bit more each day And when you fall in in love with yourself in your solitude Your standards go so high My dating standards and my friendship standards are equally high And not enough people talk about this There is so much emphasis on having such a big list of rules and high standards for dating man Which of course there should be But you should hold the same standards for your friendships For who you are allowed to take up your time Energy, space, resources, emotions, love, affection and care I am so picky now because I don't mind being alone I'm happy with it That's how I protect my peace and my energy That's how I stay feeling good about myself Because now at least I don't have toxic friends At least I'm not bending over backwards But people who wouldn't do the same for me And on top of this Once you are confident in spending time alone Once your standards have been raised through the roof You can now set boundaries without fear A lot of people tell me that they struggle with setting boundaries And really this is a result of a lack of confidence And also because you tend to be a people pleaser You are afraid of letting other people down Of disappointing them But the right people aren't going to be disappointed When you set your boundaries They will respect them And when you spend time alone and have those high standards for friendship You will be able to protect yourself And avoid those leeches that make you feel bad for setting boundaries A very important element to stop seeking validation Is to stop giving enough And this is how you do it Remember that everything is temporary And that one person's disapproval of you Is a singular moment in time That moment of time will pass And they will forget about you before you know it Plus nothing really matters And we're all living on a floating rock And we are one of eight billion people that that sink in Nobody cares that much I am never going to be that person that says that nobody cares about you Because truthfully, yes, people stare, people laugh, they point, they insult, they judge They talk behind your back I have experienced it all Sometimes people do care about what's going on in your life Because it makes them feel better about themselves to judge you But nobody cares that much Because when they go home And they are working, they are doing other things They are about to fall asleep at night They are not still thinking about you When they are at work and they are going through stresses And they are trying to be productive They are going through issues with their family They are not still thinking about you People love their own lives And yes, they will occasionally judge you And project their insecurities on you But it never matters enough For that moment to last more than five minutes Because after that, they will forget about you They will move on to worrying about that own life Or judging another person So if they are forgetting about it You should too Let it go The next step is a crucial one Focus so hard on bettering yourself and your life In the process of achieving self-love, self-growth And achieving all of your life goals You will have built up so much pride, confidence And independence That your new farm fulfillment will protect you From falling back into your old and healthy coping mechanisms Like people pleasing and seeking validation And this is the way you can stop Second, guessing yourself in social settings Overthinking about things, chasing people You need to invest your time and energy Into something useful that will give you a great output in your own life Like setting up a business Or putting more time into your hobbies Or joining a like-minded community of people That's why you have something to pot your time, energy and emotions into And that way, when the smallest of comes up Like when somebody disapproves of you Or is judging you or talking behind your back You literally won't be able to overreact Or spend so much time thinking about it Or even being upset about it Because you are so preoccupied With how great you've made your life And all of the amazing things you get to do every single day Your brain should be too full of your own passions And your mission in life That what anybody else has to say Would never affect you Because you're too focused on yourself Lastly, I want to say the fastest way to stop giving an F Is to remember rejection is normal Losing people is normal and outgrowing people is normal Oh, they cut you off? Or they don't like you? Or your crush doesn't find you attractive? So what? That doesn't define you Or your character or your work Some people just don't meant for us Or sometimes we just deserve better Sometimes we're going after something that we thought we wanted But actually should never have come into our life Not everybody's meant for us And also you shouldn't even want everybody to be meant for you It's a good thing that not everybody likes you That protects you Every single human being on this planet Even the richest and the most famous and successful Are handed their own little bag Of rejection And failures and life lessons It is nothing personal That's just life You are going to stop seeking validation By becoming secure in yourself And growing yourself work And this is going to come about From you building up yourself schema Yes, that's right I'm bringing psychology up in here So what is self-schema? Self-schema is all about your self-image It's about how you define yourself According to your personality traits Your behaviors Maybe even your physical traits Every single person on this planet has a certain set of beliefs That contributes to their self-schema To their self-image You have to do everything in your power To build up a positive self-schema So that you are no longer seeking validation from others Having a solid self-worth Will prevent you from seeking external validation So how do we do this? Identify your favourite parts of yourself Really journey inwards To acknowledge How great of a person you are All of the things All of the qualities Things that you've done Achievements Just who you are as a person That makes you so Affing Amazing Or automatically This will start helping you look at yourself in a positive light And then after this You are going to write down All of the negative perceptions you have of yourself Once you have a list of your negative self-believes You are then going to prove every single one of them wrong And of course I'm going to give you an example So let's bring back Lola and Athena Now both Lola and Athena have the same negative self-belief Which is that they are not beautiful They feel very unattractive Lola listens to this negative self-belief So she hides herself away She hides her face in pictures She chases other people Because she thinks she's lucky When guys like her Because she thinks she's so ugly She doesn't go after certain opportunities Because she automatically assumes She'll be rejected from them Because she's just not good enough She's just not attractive enough for that She allows her negative self-belief To control her life and the way she sees herself And this ultimately leads to her seeking validation From everyone and thing Now Athena also believes that she's unattractive Now we all know this ain't true Both of these women gorgeous gorgeous Look Athena is that girl But Athena has had this negative self-schema This negative self-belief for her whole life She just cannot see the beauty in herself But she is sick of placing her worth in the hands of others And she wants to do something about it She is now on a mission to try and see herself In a different life A much better, more secure life So she starts experimenting Which haircuts suits her face shape the best Which makeup products actually help Effectively accentuate the great facial features she already has She treats herself and buys herself a whole new wardrobe Because playing with clothes is going to help her Start stepping into her confidence And when you do little things like Playing around with hair and makeup clothes They provide that first step into confidence And over time once you take in the first step You can build yourself up to eventually feel confidence Without having those things Without having the best outfit or having your makeup done And I speak from experience Once she's experimented She's got a new look She's feeling a little bit better about herself She looks herself in a bedroom And she decides to put on a little photoshoot of herself She experiments with different lighting and angles She really learns her face What her favorite features are of her face and body And she has fun with it She experiments She tries on a bunch of different clothes She does some crazy things with her hair She takes a bunch of photos of herself And in doing so She starts to see the beauty within herself Lola and Athena are both stunning In their own different ways The difference is Lola decided to listen to her negative self-belief And decided to live her life according to it Athena wanted to prove that negative self-belief wrong So she put on a photoshoot She tried doing some different things She experimented with her appearance Because she was bored with it She didn't like it She thought Yes, I'll change it up And that's what A did her Seeing her appearance in a different light Now she feels comfortable when somebody wants to take a picture of her Now she started building up the confidence To wear out her favorite outfits in public And not want to blend into the crowd Because she doesn't want to be seen And my last point for this chapter is To look at who you are As your current self And nothing else Start looking at yourself as a person you are now Start acting like this morning when you woke up That was the first day of your life Because I did this a lot For years even at 2021 years old I was still viewing myself through the lens of who I was As my 15 year old self Who was very awkward And nerdy And insecure And she had a really bad self perception She had a bunch of negative self-beliefs That like no one like her Boys wouldn't like her She wasn't desirable or attractive So even when I was 20 And I had my little glow up And I had done a bunch of other things to help grow my confidence I was still looking at myself Like how was my awkward 15 year old self But that's not true I have grown I have newfound wisdom Intelligence beauty I'm a whole different person That's the beauty of self-growth So the way to start seeing yourself As your current version Is every morning You need to wake up like Today is the first day of your life And that's going to help you stop bringing in Past rejections Mistakes Cringy embarrassing moments Into your present life It's going to help you stop Defining yourself Through your past mistakes Through the past versions of yourself Who you also need to give forgiveness to Because they were who they were And they acted the way they did Because they had a certain level of awareness at that time You have grown since then You do not need to keep looking at yourself Through the lens of your past selves Because you're not that person anymore You need to ask yourself If I woke up today If today was the first day of my life With the things I have The things I've accomplished And the newfound wisdom I have At this age Who would I be? What would I say? How would I act? What would I do? And go into your day like that Rather than harboring all of this resentment For your past selves and your mistakes Because when you're still focusing on past Negative memories of yourself That is also what is impacting Yourself schema being negative I'm 22 now This was me 10 years ago at 12 years old Look at me You can just see that I'm not confident That I'm not feeling myself Imagine that I still viewed myself through that lens I wouldn't even be sitting here recording this video Because I would feel so much shame about myself So not only did I have to go through self growth To step into a new version of myself But I had to shed the old version of myself So that I could allow a new perception To come into my life and stick with it and believe it And the last most important chapter How to become your own validation The bicep about to give this chapter Will apply to all types of validation But I'm going to be using emotional validation As an example throughout when I'm explaining everything You are the only person in this universe That truly knows yourself inside and out Not your parents, not your siblings Not your childhood best friend Every single person in your life Has a different perception of you Your parents see you in a different life From your siblings, from your best friends, from your partner Only you know your full life journey Your inner thoughts, your inner dialogue And no one else's knowledge of you No matter how long they have known you Could ever compare Therefore, other people could never ever Accurately validate you Because people's opinions and perceptions of you Are based on their own life journey Their own mindset Their own upbringing, trauma, projection Their opinions have nothing to do with you And everything to do with them Which means their validation of you Isn't even real Other people are incapable of validating you Because they don't have all the facts The only person that does have all the facts Is you Which means you are the only person That can validate yourself And this links to emotional validation For example, if you're really upset You're going through it Something is happening, you're explaining Someone wire upset And what this situation is And their response to you Is that you're overreacting You should just get over it or be positive It's not that big of a deal Other people have it worse off Like, I'm sorry Are you going through the same thought Emotions and internal dialogue is me right now? No, right So shut up So you see, other people's brains and emotions Aren't wired in the same way as ours So what affects us Might not affect them in the same way That doesn't make our emotions any less valid They might have a completely different approach to the situation Based on their own upbringing and mindset In comparison to us Therefore that does not put them In a valid position to validate you And what you should do You need to do what's right for you And only you can be the true judge of that Other people's opinions of you Does not lessen how bad your situation is If it hurts Your pain is valid If it's affecting your emotions And making you feel weird If you are feeling affected by it Your pain is valid You do not need someone else to validate Your allowance to express Your negative emotions Whether that be sadness and girl, whatever This is why self-validation is so important And this is how you do it I want you to take a break From calling someone going to a family member or friend Immediately after you feel triggered Or angered by someone or upset about something Because when that's your first course of action That's you seeking validation For the way you're feeling from other people It is absolutely okay to go to family and friends for help But sometimes try and be there for yourself So when you take this break from running to somebody else for help You're going to start practicing dealing with And accepting your own emotions And then you're going to either journal or video I personally video Now everybody knows the great importance Of writing down your feelings Journaling all of that I'm a big big advocate for that Personally what I've started to do Is hit record when I'm feeling sad I literally get my phone out Record a video Even if I'm like crying I'm super angry My emotions are very high Instead of calling somebody I'll press record And I'll just talk to myself in this camera As if I'm having a conversation with somebody And I can be completely authentic And unfiltered And what for long for as long as I can Because I'm actually in private And instantly the weight of that bad situation Has been relieved Because I've released it I've said it out loud That's allowed me to process it Plus having this fall on conversation with yourself Will also allow you to understand yourself And the situation And your emotions much better Once I've recorded this video I'm very aware of how I'm feeling Maybe my emotions are still a little bit high I'm going to think about What I would wish Somebody else would say to me If I was to call a family member or friend And tell them what was going on in this situation What would I hope to hear from them And then Whatever I would hope to hear I'm going to say that back to myself Because that is what I deserve Whatever validation you're seeking from somebody else Whatever sentence you wish they would say to you Say it to yourself This is easy as that You know So I see you I accept you It makes sense why you're upset about this thing You are not overreacting You are not a bad person for feeling this way You are human It is okay to also go through the negative spectrum of emotions You are fully in your right to feel upset about this Or be a bit off, moody or down You did not deserve that treatment from that person I'm here for you We'll get through this We'll resolve this issue But it will be better But for now if you need to feel your feelings Be angry, cry Get it out of your system That is completely okay And you're within your right to do that In fact That is a very healthy expression Of your emotions to be able to deal And process with the situation And then move on from it Sometimes it's hard for us to empathize with ourselves So if you're going through that Maybe you're beating yourself up About responding to a certain situation In the way that you did Act like your friend Actually went through that Better yet Look at yourself through the lens of your inner child Instantly you will have so much more compassion for yourself And you'll treat yourself with much more kindness Which is the key to validating yourself Being now for yourself And stop placing your worth and expectations In the hands of others You can just be there for yourself And that'd be enough Without seeking the approval of everybody else