How to Throw an Adult Party! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

New Jersey, Philadelphia, Delaware. You heading down the shore this summer? Of course you are. July 10th, the boys are going to be at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino. Come out for a little AYG Live. Yes, and before that, we're going to be in Portland, Maine at Empire Comedy Club. Tickets going fast. Then we're going to be in Pittsburgh at the Pittsburgh Improv. And then Hilarities in Cleveland, Ohio. Get your tickets. RUGarbage.com. Stand-up comedy. Play AYG with the crowd. It's a good, good time. We'll see you there. Best summer ever. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RUGarbage. Hi-ya! It's that little show where you sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find out if they grew up to be classy. Yeah. Or just a fucking big old piece of trash. Basura. I'm your host, Dave Trolle, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition. She's got a fresh batch of Chinese stars. Messing up the trees in the backyard. They're coming to cut them down next week, so they're going to be fine. Okay. All right, well. Whoa. My co-host is coming at you from across the table. This is what we call a family episode. It's the boys, the bozos, and the homies. Just the way we like it a lot of times. You know what I mean? Uh-huh. Get to hang out, clear the air, shoot the breeze. Uh-huh. Get to some cues, hang out, shoot the breeze. You got a lot of breeze to shoot this week, huh, big guy? Got all these Chinese stars. Remember that bit? Uh-huh. Kevin Ryan is here, ladies and gentlemen. My pal. That's what we call him. That's what we call in the business a warm welcome. What's up, gang? Shout out to. Talking about fucking turning. Well, I bombed. I got to blame somebody. I can't blame Luke. He had nothing to do with it. He wouldn't touch it. I had something to do with it. I know. Hurt people hurt people. And that hurt. That's all the time we have for today, folks. Chinese stars, I figured that'd be right up your alley. Low-brow guy like you. I don't give you the high-end stuff. I don't know why we're into personal with Texas this early on in the show. I don't know the geopolitical stuff. Take it from the top. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back. Guys, thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. This guy stinks. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. And the boys are climbing the charts. We're in the charts on Spotify. Yes. Top podcast, top comedy podcast. So, my guidance counselor in high school can, as they say, suck it. Okay. You still holding that grudge? Well, most of it's due to you, so I really can't take the credit. 32 years ago. My buddy Kevin's real smart. And then, guys, we're on the road. Get your tickets. We're in Portland, Maine. We're in Cleveland. We're in Pittsburgh. We're in Atlantic frickin' City. Philly, come down and see the boys down at Shore. And we're in Denver at the old Comedy Horse. One of the best clubs in the gosh darn country. If you've never been to a live show, it's a little bit of stand-up, a little bit of AYG. The boys have put together an A-plus show. Excited for all that. Yeah. Fun summer. But. I gotta tell you. What's that? That AC show down at Shore. I mean, let's go. Yeah. That's prime time Shore vibes. Yeah, dog. We're hard rock. Taking a golf cart there. Low power. You can't take that on the fucking AC Express, right? The hell I can. I'm the goddamn king of the boards. I'm drunk. I can do whatever I want. You can't arrest me. I'm drunk. Anything I say is admissible. Yeah. Isn't that true? No. I thought it is. If you're drunk, anything you say is inadmissible. That's why. Matthew. McConaughey. Not Matthew. McConaughey. That's why. What's his name? Cole Trickle? Garrett Cole? That's Rusty Cole. I think that's like a fan. Russ. Russ Cole. Yeah. That's like a fan theory, right? I don't know if that was ever. Was that in the show? I always thought that was. Also, starting the show with a half-drank beverage is top-tier dirtbag. Is it? Yeah, man. I had it with my sandwich. It looks like you just came in off the street. That was me and Luke were just talking about that. Was I gone? What? Was I not here? Yeah. No. I don't think so. That wasn't about you. We were just talking about like. Also, here's the thing. What's the thing? A can of soda should live and die wherever you open that can. You can't leave a place or come into a place with a half-drank. I disagree. I know. And that's my move now. Showing up with a drink. Not an alcoholic drink. Okay. That's my thing. I've never seen you do that. I was doing. I'm going to start. That's my new thing. I'm starting that. Okay. How not to move with H. Foley. Yeah. How to move like a bozo. How to move like a bozo with H. Foley. Walk in. Ask for a charger. Yeah. You want to alienate everybody around you? That's a great one. Yeah. That's a. That's a. Ricky Velez. That's a Ricky Velez joke. About his crew stinks. Yeah. His crew stinks. Shows up to like a party at like Kanye's house. I just need the block or something. Like I got the cable. I just need the block. Oh, that's so good. Yes. I don't know. It's just. Yeah. That's just. It's a can of soda. Because you can't put a cap. If you put a cap on it, that has a lid. I get that. But like. Does this have anything to do with my club sodas being around the thing? Absolutely nothing to do with it. You just mean you drink it and then throw it away. If you get a can of soda, it's, you know, and you're having lunch or whatever, you should. You shouldn't come. I think we were talking about. You don't take it with you? Where? I don't know. That's what I'm asking. I've never been anywhere where I can't finish a can of soda in seconds. Because I want to start being around with a beverage. Because I started walking. Why not actually just work on your personality? I want to be a. Bottle guy. I want to be the guy that always has a bottle of, you know, what are you going to be? What are you one of those guys? Work on my personality. Well, the soda is going to be part of my personality. I'm going to be a soda guy. Half a can. No, I'm not a soda guy. I'm going to be a. I'm going to be having a drink in his hand guy. Like a coffee or something. A bottle, half bottle of Pellegrino is nice. No. I did that leaving the cellar. Oh, you are such a jerk off. I didn't go up on stage with it. I was leaving. I was like, can I grab a Pellegrino to go? And they have these screaming cold. Bottles down there. I don't know who you think you are. Bottle of Pellegrino to go. Well, I'll tell you what. I'm going to get a bottle of whiskey. We'll see how that ends. I don't know. I don't know why you're threatening me. I don't know why there's only those two options. That's from a land man. I can see you stealing McCusker's move of carrying the Mountain Valley spring bottle. You're no shaman. No, I'm no shaman. You can't do that. And I'm not a Mountain Valley guy. No, everybody thinks you probably. You've either got to be McCusker or a professional baseball player to roll around with one of those. Yeah. Everybody would think you'd do that. Yeah. You just dumped out the water. You found the bottle and put Mountain Dew in there. You snuck into an AMC and filled it up. I got milk. Drinking milk out of it. Yeah. No, I can't do the Mountain Valley. I know my limitations, but I could be walking around with a half a can, sipping a cold can of diet root beer, like a diet A&W. I don't think the can plays. Why not a bottle with a cap? Because that's the thing. It's ironic. You're unironically bothering me right now. Well, shit hits the fan. You got an open can. That's nuts. Why? What do you mean, why? Shit hits the fan? Yeah. What are you walking into? Who knows? Well, I dropped a can. You can't be walking around. Right there. Then how are you going to quench your thirst after you hit it? I'm going to keep it in one of those pouches where the bodyguards keep the guns. That's going to spill. What are you talking about? I'm going to have Skittles in there, too. What does that have to do with urinating? I don't know. I've been liking Skittles lately. Add a little bit of a sweet tooth. Uh-huh. A little candy. Sure. You know, scratch the itch. They say that's common. Uh-huh. Um. For a larger gentleman. For a heavy. Fuck, I was going to say something. Oh, I do it now. I want to be a drink guy. Oh. And I wouldn't mind being, I wish I could pull off the broken sunglasses. What? You didn't remember that back in the day? Oh, you're too young for that. There was a minute where wearing broken sunglasses was cool. Oh, you want to bring that back? No. Half empty, half empty Diet Dr. Pepper and broken sunglasses. I broke my sunglasses. Is that what you're, I'm really trying to shoo in this. I also think dirty underwear. I don't wear underwear. Like those rave glasses with just no lens? No. I think he snapped his sunglasses and wants to wear them. I can't confirm or deny. Okay. But, um. Sure. Um. About this, I, we're, we're, we're working. I'm at work. We're recording. I went and got a sandwich from the deli. They screwed me on the cucumber, as you saw. And I was enjoying a, a, a nice coffee with my turkey sandwich. I finished it and brought it into the studio with me. That's great. You're a guy who enters rooms. This is the vibe I'm talking about. Yeah. Like if I was just rolling around with this. Hey, what's up? Yeah. And I'm done introducing myself. Okay. You're a real peach. You know that? What the heck is even that? I'm kidding about that. Yeah. I don't know. That's a guy of your stature. It's messy. Stature? Like size? No. Like prominence in the comedy industry. I can't have a half drunk soda or a drink? No, you get there and go, oh, here's a coffee. I don't have a coffee. Someone will run and go get me a coffee. That's what you do. Nobody's getting me a coffee. That's what you do. Luke, go get him a coffee. He wouldn't get me a coffee. Would you? Go get you a coffee right now? I got, I got, I got other business. I had to look a coffee just this morning. I know. And you really make a note of it. I did not. Hey, everybody's call. You really? I didn't even say anything to him. You make hard eye contact. You stood there with it handed out. For like 15 seconds. Yeah, because you weren't looking at me. Uh-huh. You didn't give me a, hey. And still, you're looking for a pat on the back. I gave him a coffee this morning. Real nice guy. Was it half drunk? Sure. Was my finger in it? Maybe. You ever have that? Did I sneeze on it? Sure. You, that happens to you. You're sending, are you sending it back? What? If someone. Somebody, if the, if the server hands you the drink like that. It depends on how thirsty I am. Or you're just not drinking it. Really? You'll go. in? Is his finger in the soda? Yeah, his finger's in the soda. No. What? Gotta put my finger in the center No, probably not But like I do get A lot of times you get the beers or whatever They get handed to you like that or so And that's Yeah, what do you get? Beers, it's killing the germs That's always the way I look at it Yeah, that's not the truth You're drinking beers, you're drinking beers It doesn't matter what the fuck's in it Sure You're hoping a little something Yes, okay So here's my thing As you know, I had to have It was my son's first birthday party And I had a little bit of a Mazel A little bit, thank you A little bit of a soiree at the house A little get together with my family Oh yeah, I forgot about that And that's very much We haven't talked about this? No Huh So that is You know, I don't host that often We live in New York You know, we live in an apartment You don't entertain that often Sure And also, well documented as you Me and you have been the bozos of our family What do you mean? I got the fucking half drunk coffee now I'm crying And these broken sunglasses I'm the coolest guy here Yeah, my family's not talking to me Is that what you're getting at? Why would I be getting that, man? You're fighting 38 fights in your head at a time I'm not fighting that I'm accepting it I stink No Friends of this call No, 100% Bozos of the family We're the bozos of the family For sure We're just like We've always done everything not correctly No We have older brothers Who are a little bit more Successful Together and successful And Dude My brother My brother was a collared shirt on Sunday Dressed up nice Nice Not even like trying Just nice khakis and a collared shirt Yeah A button down I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? Sure Yeah, he's comfortable Good guy We had mass or whatever they had to do somewhere Yeah, that's what I'm saying Where there's me You're trying to sit down Now you're trying He's got shit to do on Sunday Yeah I'm wide open That's not great I'm gonna go to the batting cage Get beat up by locals? Children Beat a creep Is your mom around? Alright Okay, now we're talking No, I didn't mean that Okay Yeah, so just You know, I'm in my head about I never really entertained or anything Got ice? I got an ice maker Ice? What are you, my dad from the 1920s? Like, there's not ice in everybody's kitchen There's not enough ice in that ice maker I think a lot of people agree with me That's trash You gotta go get a bag of ice You got people over If you have more than four people Over your house You go get a fucking bag of ice That's your You got a huge bin? When was the last time You've had more than four people over? We're getting personal No, I'm just No, no You're taking it I don't know four people I don't know four people That would want to hang out with me At once, to be honest with you Uh-huh Yeah, I'm taking it Now I got all this ice I got no one to hang out with Four is also like the number of It's the size of a family Of course an ice maker Can sustain four people Yeah All right Have you seen this lot? They come in with the They got the empty glasses You know, let's put The wine's chilled They're drinkers Yeah, exactly If they're not drinking Fuck, we're not making margaritas or nothing Tom Collins What are you talking We got canned beer And cold wine You got canned beer Cold wine You are trash And tomato pie I don't know what they're bitching about I don't know what they're bitching about Canned beer I got canned beer And cold wine It's red It's now a pinkish hue Man, when you hit me with the Sutter Home the other day That brought back so many memories Yeah, the original Nisi wine The Sutter Home White Zin That's the only wine I knew I thought that was wine Yeah, I didn't know anything else existed And like, honestly And like, that's not even a joke Until my mom switched And my stepdad started drinking again He'd get real nasty You know they used that at a church That I was an altar boy at I don't know what happened He must have ran out of Where were you? In fucking sandals? At a church? He must have ran out or something Was my mom the deacon? What do you mean? What's in that? No way That's, you're nuts You know I'm not buying that for a second You've spun a lot of yarns, my friend No way am I buying that In the name of the father's son And Casey and the Sunshine Band And Robert Mondavi Isn't that his name? Yeah Saint Mondavi I remember the I told you my friend was Friends were getting into wine And like, caught Like, flipping his weird old friend That's crazy In college, you stink And he was like Yeah, we got wine or something And I was like Yeah, like Sutter Home Like, I didn't, you know I don't know nothing I'm like, I don't like Sutter Home He's like, that's The kid said to me At, I was 21 or something He goes That's Robert Mondavi Table wine bullshit I was like Okay, I will take my Should have kicked him in the face Yeah I will take my Schlitz to go We had that when Craft beers were blowing up In the late 90s Fucking shut the fuck up I didn't understand I mean, I get it now I didn't understand the 60 minute Let me know when the Liquid acid gets here I got a half drink Cup of coffee I'm looking to top off I didn't drink coffee back then Okay So go ahead Okay So I was just I was just It's been in my head I was just nervous I ended up doing well A little charcuterie board Some apps And then we just ordered from It was a weeknight Low key Everybody got there at five Gone by eight type thing Just ordered Ordered some pizza and stuff Because now you got to think It's mostly kids The parents are outnumbered by the kids So you're like What are you doing? It used to be like Oh, let's get Can't go wrong with a pie No What are you going to say? The three We did four Four large and a medium How many How many How much pizza have you been eating? That's gone It was gone I mean, it was perfect I think there was One or We did a medium Okay, four She send it with anybody? What? Did she Did your wife say Take some pizza? No No one's taking home I mean, first of all There wasn't enough To take home My mom will do that shit After a cookout And I'm like What the fuck, man? You sent all the cutlets I'm here for two more days Is everything Maybe you had enough cutlets? You got to think You and your mom Got issues, dog She said She said She'll send like She'll send all the desserts To get rid of dessert My brother's going home With a goddamn fucking treasure He's got a family I'm sitting there With old Chobani yogurt Like a dickhead You know what I'm saying? Luke, you're with me on that No, you deserve that Yeah, you play Just your attitude about it Yeah, that's what you get Why don't you get your fat ass Off the couch And go to the store I'm not saying nothing To my mother I say thank you very much And I take the treasure And then come on Come on a half a million people And shit on her publicly Don't say nothing Fuck my Fuck my Fuck on my Fuck on my plug My cut My cutlet plug You should turn me off Get what you're talking about Quince Quince, quince, quince Now you know quince I wear quince Multiple days a week I love their pants You're a forward thinking guy Try to be Kids are all talking about quince Lukey does quince Mm-hmm Amazing Yes Everything at quince Priced 50 to 80 percent Less than similar brands How about that? You know what I like? What's that? 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His birthday party? His birthday party. He's having it at his house. I just imagined it's Foley. Like, Foley's home video. You got it somehow. I wish they didn't fucking sandbag you. Wouldn't be anybody there. It's just a bunch of ice. Like an ice throne. Man, when they. You don't need them. No, I don't. Do you need them for the TV? You might. No. Okay. They're reading glasses. Okay. Pretty attractive, huh? I also have my compression socks on right now. Swelling up. So this is. Well, it's a short thing, but there's some stuff on it that I would like to get your temperature. Because this guy puts together a pretty nice soiree. All right. And it's not super classy. It's just. It's what we kind of feel. It's like well-thought-out things. Where you go, oh, that's a nice touch. That's nice. Okay. It's not at a big mansion. It's just like a normal. Okay. Guy's a little weird. Regular guy. Very regular guy. A little weird guy. I mean, he's throwing himself a 40th birthday party, but, you know. But he's got some rules about it. It's just. All right. Let's see. Roll the tape, Lucas. I'm throwing myself a 40th birthday party, and I usually put balloons on the mailbox just to denote where the house is, but people usually know where we live. But let's go inside, and I'll show you what I did. All right. You don't need to film like that. A nice joint? Yeah. I'm not saying it's. I also like how this guy doesn't want to make the video at all. That's. Okay. You got balloons on your mailbox. You're 40 years old. So people can identify. I think it's nice for the guests coming. I give you that. I give you that. Hey, is it this house? I don't know. Right. It's the one with the balloons. This guy does all right, looks like. He's in shape. Looks like a nice southern house. in a room, and I usually put out a cheese ball just so people can have an hors d'oeuvre, but one tip is I would suggest you cut the cheese or start the cheese before your party because most people will not be the first one to start or cut the cheese. That's not true. That's not true. Pause. He's got a handful of cheese. He's going. But that's a nice touch. I do respect that in the sense of, like, it feels like, oh, somebody's already. Oh, yeah. I don't have that problem. I think you would have that problem at someone other than your family member's home. Okay. If you went to Luke's parents' house and there was cheese sitting there, you wouldn't go, I'm cracking that open. I don't know. My mother, as a good host, would probably crack open the cheese and get it. Just say it's something I never thought of. Hit the kid with an invite. Still a little trial and error. That's not going to happen. He's showing off with ice. I got the ice, Mr. and Mrs. Dempsey. You're calling him Mr. and Mrs. Dempsey? You're older than him. No, I'm not. Okay. I'm really getting it. All right. You're really putting it out there. Beer and seltzers in it, and that will cut the line down on the bar so people can just grab a beer if they want or go in the other room for a liquor drink. Now, that kind of cooler in a room like that, but isn't that? It's for functionality and good time, is my take. All right. Okay. Where are you? When are the beers ever in? If we were partying in here. They're always in the back. They're always out back. Are you getting up to get a beer? Beer's on the porch. Beer's are next to you on the couch. You think anyone's hanging in that room? They got the cheese on the table. Where else? I'm just saying. I'm a kitchen hang guy. I like a kid. Lean on a counter. Yeah, lean on a counter. But I do like the fact. Well, why are you there? The beers are right back off the thing. Yeah, plus all the food. The pretzel nuggets and shit are there. The real apps are there. The hot apps. The buffalo chicken dip. The pretzels. I really know this based on my cousin Kelly's. Yeah, I feel like you're basing it off one place you've ever been. Yeah. I'm sure. I've heard Kelly throws a fantastic party. Kelly throws it out. Shout out to her. And cousin John. Jump back a hips. And John, yeah. Shout out Patty, too. Patty's all right. A liquor drink. In the kitchen, I usually put out. I usually put out bar snacks. And then I have a couple adult treats if people want to partake in that since it's legal in Missouri. Down here in the den, I have a full bar set up so the bartenders will be here. One will be here and one will be also passing hors d'oeuvres or taking drink orders. It's got people working. So I have a full bar. Pause that. That's a classy thing. I've never seen. I've been to a place where there's like a guy tending bar. Right? And the extended families. Best years. Once or twice on the Christmas Eve party, there was a lady that did that. Yeah, I don't think we've ever really. We didn't know what to do. Sure. Yeah, I don't know if we've ever had it. Maybe once or twice. But no, it's usually my uncle. It wasn't in our house. It was in my cousin's house. Yeah. Uncle did very well. And they did that once or twice. And that's like a little higher end. We're doing. We don't want someone back there where we want everybody to enjoy it. But they got a second guy going out and taking orders. They're just popping into the room. Hey, anybody need a Tom Collins? Anybody need a Manhattan? That's a real classy touch. Probably. What do you get? What do those guys cost you? A hundred something maybe? I'd do it for 50. That's what I'm saying. You say, hey, it's three hours. It works four hours, 25 bucks an hour, plus whatever tips you collect. Or maybe tell them no tip. Word. That's a nice touch to have at a 40 birthday classy soiree. Yeah. I feel like you kind of got to give them a bar, though. On the table is wild, right? They need their office. That's wild. Yeah. Where's the front of the bar? Right there is where you stand. So is he behind the bar in front of the bar? He's in front of the bar. You would order there. I think that backs up into the corner. That's his fucking kitchen table. I'm with you. Yeah. Thank you. I'm on that set. Also, I got that. I'm not spinning it as the classiest part. You were about to. You were about to. Personally. Attack me. I believe you were. I was. I can. I can. I know. I can. I can write some of the material. What table do you got? You don't got a bar. You couldn't have friends. That last one. I didn't say I'm your friend. I was about to say the first one. Then I was like, wait, I'm with him. Sure. Okay. Welcome to the dark side. Usually just get my glasses from the dollar store. So they're actually kind of nice for the dollar store. So if someone drops and breaks it, it's not a big deal. And then I also did have cups made for my 40th birthday. Oh, that's a bit much. That's a bit much, but it's a nice touch tonight. So this guy, I'd be working for this guy. I do like killing it. I do like everything is in. This is what my takeaway from it. Everything is in service of a good time and everyone enjoying themselves. Hey, there's sorry. What's it say? Ours. 40th. J.R.'s. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know. J.R. This guy does all right. That's a real Southern name, too. That's a real Southern guy. Yeah. I went to like Chapel Hill. I feel people in the South where a pair of chinos real well that like I can. No, my boy Phil X wears a pair of can wear a pair of khakis. I just can't do solid. They're like too tight or always too baggy in the hips. Fat legs. Okay. More at 11. I got fat legs. Sure. I just I have quest love legs. Yeah. No disrespect. You got big mama ass. But I also I've never understood if they feel comfortable because I've never met a pair of khakis. I feel comfortable. Well, you could wear them. I know, but I always. No, he's too thin. I am too. I don't have enough. You have to have some. They got to be tight in the right place. He's like a fucking telephone pole. Hmm. String bean. Birthday. Oh, I forgot to light the candles. Hang on. Oh, and take all the cellophane off. For food, I pick options that can sit out at room temperature for a couple hours. So I did beef tenderloin sandwiches with horseradish sauce. And then I did veggies and dill dip. And then I picked up toasted ravioli from my local grocery store. And then I did shrimp cocktail with pink sauce. And then stop. Stop. Stop. I mean, that pink sauce. What the fuck? Pink sauce. Never heard of it. I am over in Paris. They dip that shit just in straight mayo. Do you know what pink sauce is? I don't know. You just don't like it? No. That's bad. That's a bad look. It looks like Pepto-Bismol. You go cocktail sauce. I like the horseradish cream, though. I want to get more into that. Okay. Do you maybe think not everything at the party is built 100% for you? And that maybe some people enjoy a pink sauce and some people enjoy a toasted ravioli? I think you would love it. What is it? What is it? What is it? You eat shrimp like a flamingo. You might as well be pink. Pink sauce for shrimp is typically a cream sauce. It's a creamy, tangy condiment made by blending mayo and ketchup. No. What? That's pink sauce? Yeah. And then you'll add additions like lemon juice, Worcestershire, brandy, or hot sauce. Brandy! You put some horseradish in there. You will find sauce. I got a little tang. I'm a cocktail sauce man, believe it or not. Shout out to fucking St. Elmo's. Woo! Everyone's favorite that I make are party pizzas, so those will be hopefully a big hit. Yeah. And then another huge arrangement of peonies from the yard. Cigars, cigarettes, Eddie Valiant. No one's going to know that. People will know who framed Roger Rabbit. This is new to my party, so I'm calling it a gentleman's bar. So I got cigars, cigarettes, vins, some matches, and big red gum. So I got the cigars from JR Cigar, which is in town, which is great because I didn't have time to get monogrammed matches, so they gave me about 12 of their matches and it works perfectly because it's the skyline of St. Louis and it has my name on it. This is right by the screen to import, so people can grab a SIG or a cigar and come out here and enjoy the space out here. Smoking in the house? I plant impatient. That's it. Yeah. But that's not bad. I've been to way worse fucking parties than that. I wish I was friends with that dude. That guy's all right. Yeah, that guy's all right. What is it about being put together? I'm saying this because I just went through all of this, and I would never think of most of that stuff. I think you have to entertain a lot. It's a put-together guy who gets it, though. Heaters? Yeah, heaters. He strikes me as a guy that would be like, but you got heaters on the fucking porch? This is my thing that I like about him. He goes, it might not be for me, but I want everybody to be comfortable. My only gripe, and I'll walk back on the pink sauce. I'll give it a shot. That toasted ravioli, that shit sucks. Sure, it's not the best. No, come on. Toasted ravioli was a mistake. But again, that might not be your thing. That's not it. That's not my thing. But I don't know anybody that likes that. Toasted ravioli was the biggest mistake we ever made as a society. Listen, it's not my go-to. They're always too thick. There's too much breading. But listen, I'm a sucker for fried bread and cheese and dough. I get that a mozzarella stick is a better version of that, a whatever, there are better fried things that I'm going to order. But I mean, if I'm fucking three Manhattans deep and there's a plate full of fried ravioli sitting on the table, I mean, what are we talking about? I'm going to double down fuck ravioli. As a whole? As a whole. I would prefer fried ravioli over ravioli. I'll do the pumpkin ravioli in the window. No, you can't. You just said fuck ravioli as a whole. I'm talking about the big ones. I'll do a couple of those as a side. But regular ravioli. Man, you're a flip-flopper. Am I? Flip-flopping. What about now? That's about to be an empty cup. Now you're an even half-empty cup guy. Oh, I get a refill. Where's JR when you need to send one of those bartenders my way? Fuck, man. Now I'm out. We're going to start at the goddamn city. I don't know. Listen. I mean, I should have known you're a harsh critic. For a guy who stinks. I mean, beating up a guy. I'm not beating the guy up. I wish I was hanging. I'm not with the guy. I wish I was hanging out with him and he didn't know me. What? I wish he didn't know me. I was starting fresh with him. Ah. Well, how'd you get the invite? The only invite you're getting is being stand-up and podcasting extraordinaire H. Foley. I mean, what do you think? You're going to bump into this guy at the supermarket and he's going to go. He's got a car full of fried ravioli. I'm going with a chick that knows him. I got no shit. No broad that's going to that thing. He's tagging me along. No. This is H, my co-worker. Fuck. That's a guy Dempsey would hang. Luke would hang. That's a guy from Luke's hometown. Yeah. It's pretty good. I would love it. Is that the extent of the food, though? Sorry to cut you off. Is that it? Is that what we're looking at? I don't know. I didn't get to the party. I bet you that's it. And that's all right. Yeah. Listen, I don't think. He's probably got dinner reservations somewhere after that. Yeah. Who the fuck? I don't want to go to a party. That. I don't want to go to. That party, N.D. You're going to that party to get fucked up. Do you see how much alcohol is on the bar? He's got edibles on the table. He's got a smoking lounge. You don't go to that party. You don't go and go, oh, what time is the seated dinner? I'll tell you the one thing I know about that party. More than likely, someone is going to fucking embarrass themselves. Yeah, it'd probably be me. M&M's are weird. You get a handful of Eddie's in you. That's why I, dude, at an early age in high school, someone was going around with cookies or brownies or something, and I went, I don't eat at parties anymore because I would be the guy in the movie that you see fucking next thing you know, I'm trying to drive the house on the roof, trying to drive the house back to my home planet. Yeah, not my cup of tea. Good shit. But happy birthday, J.R. Yes. And then he did. Then apparently he mentioned those pizzas, and then he did the recipe on those little pizza Johns. It wasn't the Irish pizzas, was it? Is it? Man, you've been pushing them things on me for weeks, dude. I don't know. I fucked up for a second. He knew what was up. No. He does know what's up. Yeah, dude, that guy is up. Mini pizzas? But they're, like, homemade. Yeah, that's sweet. Yeah. I would never do that. At first, I thought they were bagel bites. I'd be down. I didn't see any sweets floating. It's at the end. He's got everything is individually packed, so you can get it on the walkout. Get the fuck out of here. It's just, like, cookies and cupcake type thing or something. Some fancy dessert I didn't know the name of. Yeah, all in, like, the cupcake cup, so you can just. You're on the move. No one's sitting down. You're trying to get fucking. You're trying to close trim in there. Yeah. Yeah. Getting weird. Yeah. Pink sauce is pretty good. How much ice you got? You ain't got it. Can I see your chest of ice? He's got ice. Although the beers didn't have ice on them. You notice that? Those seltzers or whatever didn't have any ice on them. That should be covered in ice. Listen, I get you come from a. I get the ice. You're ice people. You're a big ice. People are like people that have nothing else to talk about. I get the ice. You don't get the ice. You can stop and grab a bag. It's just like we get it. We've advanced being told how to pack a pack of cooler being corrected on how to pack a cooler. The different styles that my different uncles and cousins did being yelled at. I got passed down. If you were if somebody was four days old, older than you, they would yell at you about how you pack the cool. Yeah, I remember getting smacked around for it. Okay, maybe this is why this guy's got such a big ice issue. You got to need more ice. That's the one thing I could do. I put a cooler together. I think coolers now these Yetis and it's like you put six ice cubes in there. It keeps it cold for fucking nine years. So, you know, so it's not I've never been to a party and been like these are this stuff is warm. I'd freak out. I just never it doesn't happen anymore. The technology is so advanced. I would have ruined the day. I can't eat shrimp cocktail with a fucking warm soda. What about warm pink sauce? You would just be complaining at that party. I probably I would I'd break something or something not on purpose. Yeah, his will to live. I couldn't sit in that front room. Why that nice flowered couch that pink sauce? You know, I just thought it's pretty good. Actually, I'd be wearing a shirt like this looking like a dickhead. J.R. is crying by the end of the party. You just said you're a comedian. Kind of stuff. Do you do? Wait, who's there? So he's asking me at the party about it. Probably a chick. J.R. is like, I wish my birthday never existed. Well, I don't know if I drove him that far. Jesus. Yeah, I broke a couple of his dollar store glasses. But doesn't matter. Doesn't matter from the also actually pretty nice. I even like that. Like that stuff that just it's that's like very J. Larson to me. That shrimp should have some ice on it, too. Uh-huh. Oh, Larson would do that. You need Larson would do better than that. Larson's class. Yeah, Larson does better. I'm not saying he doesn't listen. It's not doing fried ravioli. I don't like I think you're grading this guy too hard on if it's classy or not. I told you I want to hang out with the guy. I know, but it's like I. To me, it's the idea of it's not classy. It's just nicer. It's for that is like the nicest event I would go to as a dirt bag. I don't I don't want to be in a classy event. Classy events stink. They're stuffy. You're you got to dress up for it. This is you roll in whatever that guy. He's got a pair of Doc. I put on a nice pair of Southern Dockers. Nice shirt. Like I'd fit right in. I mean, nice part. Nice comb over. I'd fit right. I could be a Southern boy. A lot of denim you got there. You're just like Rip from Yellowstone. I'm sweating. It's hot as shit. I'm in that big black jacket. Is that all he owned? I guess. Jesus Christ. But you got a white T-shirt. I've been catching those clips all the time. It makes making me start wanting to watch the show. It's a great show. I can't go all the way back. Dude, the first two seasons are really good. You got nothing but time. I can't go. I can't get involved in that. It's too busy watching the clips. I can't get involved with the ranch. Okay. It's too much. You know what's real trashy? I saw a guy the other day wearing a Yellowstone hat, and it's the Y, right? It's like a specific font Y, and he seemed pretty classy, and he was wearing it, and I went, I don't know. That is an actual ranch, though, I think. It's Dutton Ranch? In real life, I think it is. I don't think so. No. I thought it was what's-his-face. Is that Kevin Spacey? Or no. Kevin, what's his name? Waterworld? Hey, Waterworld. Zip it. Costner. Costner. Hey, old man, zip it. Is that Y? No, it's fucking Tyler Sheridan's, I think. That's what I thought. No, that's in, he owns a thing in Texas that they shoot at. That ranch is a fictional ranch, I believe. It's real, but it's called something else. Oh, yeah. It's like Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, or something. I just made that up. What? That's a wild thing to make up. It's called Chief Joseph Ranch. Yeah. Is that Y from Yellowstone? Like the Yellowstone National Park? Like, is that. Because I feel to wear the Y from Yellowstone as a fictional ranch is pretty. I saw a guy wear it. Like you were in a Becker jacket. Just a doctor's lab coat. I'll get you some Becker merch. I'm sure they have some laying around somewhere. Yeah, right. That's tough to get your hands on. Talk to the agents. That Y is only for Yellowstone. Yeah, that's a tough. This guy seemed pretty classy. I thought it was like Yale or something. I was like, this guy, that's pretty good. And I go, wait a second. That's fucking. It's like wearing an Omaha Steaks jacket. Shout out to him. It's the Dutton Ranch. Kip, let me chime in real quick about Chime. Chime. Chime. See what I did there? I chimed in with Chime. And let's be honest. Younger version of me, but a really used Chime. I'll tell you that right now. Where were these guys when I was 16? I know. Where were these guys when you were 40? Let's be honest. Everybody hates banking fees. Everybody can't stand that stuff. That's where Chime comes in. Chime is changing the way people. Bank. They're not like a traditional old bank where they charge you fees and gatekeep perks and all that kind of stuff. Talk about perks and rewards. Chime's the best. Do yourself a favor. Start using Chime. Free banking. Feel free. Fee-free banking. Feel free. Feel free to bank with fee-free banking. I hate that. Not to mention no overdraft fees, no monthly fees, no minimum balance fees. That's what I'm talking about. 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Can't be combined with any other discount, including but not limited to contract and or special pricing. Loyalty programs subject to terms and conditions. Details at Lowe's.com slash terms. Subject to terms. Change. Listen, all that's neither here nor there. We've got a gosh darn family episode on our hands, gang. As you know, when you sign up for the old Patreon, we'll answer your garbage question on the friggin' air. Talk about this one, you know, this is classy and trashy. This is from Big Ben. Are you garbage if you put chicken patties in the toaster at work? I nuked them for a minute, then pop them in the toaster to get a nice, crispy, crunchy toast. Yes, I'm fat. What of it? I've never, in all my patty days, I've never, never thought about that. The idea of this has recently come across your desk. Come into the front of my mind. Not just a chicken patty. I put something in it at my mom's and she freaked out, but it was a good idea. Toaster oven? No, toaster. Put something in the toaster. I can't remember exactly what it was. It was something that shouldn't go in there, but like the chicken patty, it could. Which, it's a great idea. I'm all on board. It's like junk. Genius level. That's why I'm a fan of the toaster oven. Of course. I grew up with the toaster oven. It's like, the heat's right there. It's small. It's tight. Is it the most efficient? Probably not, but you get a nice crunch. You get better eyes on it, too. Yes. Yes. Which I always said was trashy. This whole year. That's also, I mean, since the inception of the show, I've said. Yeah. Because anybody that I knew that had one, it was fucked up in there. Like, it looked like fucking. No, ours wasn't great. It looked. It looked like fucking downtown L.A. Like, it was bad. No, yeah, ours wasn't good, but I don't know. It just seems like such a better. We were also not a big toast. The toaster seemed, the actual stand-alone toaster seemed so limited to me. We used it all the time. We were at Big Waffles Toast, English Muffins Bagels. We fucking Cinnamon Toast. That's still Toast, yeah. Rye Toast, Wheat Toast. That's fucking toast. It comes as a slice of the bread. We had a lot of toast. We had a lot of toasted bread. We were big on it. I mean, as were we, but I'm just saying, like, dude, we would put fucking pizza in there. Oh, it was pancakes. Fucking chicken patties. You can't put pancakes in a toaster. Yeah, my mom had made pancakes. Oh, okay. My mom had made pancakes. I thought you were making them in there. No, she had made them. I said, I don't start an electrical fire. The kids were over. She had made pancakes. Hey, we're doing a show. The fuck? I was thinking about the pancakes. She didn't like them. She had a piece of bacon in there. Uh-huh. She does like bacon pancakes. Do you yell at her for that, too? I don't yell at her for anything. Is it bacon bits or one strip? Huh? You can't be doing bacon bits. I'd have her committed. I'm on Foley's side with that. Thumb Road's losing it. It's a strip. Bacon bits are for dogs and salads. I disagree with that. It's one strip, and she pours the. It's. Wowa. It's a strip. It's a strip. It's a strip. It's a strip. It's a strip. But she had made pancakes and put them in the fridge, and they were pretty stiff, and I threw a couple in the toaster. She was yelling at me about it. I don't know why. You're in the tub at the time. A little snack on my way to hell. Yeah, I don't know. I would. Yeah, the toaster just. I didn't know anybody with a toast. That's crazy. You know the toaster? Pat didn't have a toaster. Your whole squad had toaster ovens. That might be the 10 years difference. You know? You had a toaster oven? Nah. I mean, we had both. Why have both? Why not? We're classy. Probably all queasy. Well, no. We swapped. At one point, we had the toaster. We started with the toaster oven, then swapped over to the toaster. No kidding. Yeah. Look at that. That's a telltale sign right there. Is the toaster oven trashier than the toaster? Okay. That's big. Now you're off on a topic. But to me, I don't- I think your generation, you and your boys- The world's greatest generation. Yeah. Heroes. Mm-hmm. You did take a lot of Molly. I'll give you that. That might have been the time for the toaster oven. So I'm going to give you- But right now- Nobody's got a toaster oven. No? No. I don't know. No. Sound off in the comments. Well, they're kind of coming back because like- Because those- Sal Valcana's got that cool Japanese one. I don't even get a cool Japanese one. And the Japanese, we all know, are pretty cool. I don't forgive them for what they did. Of course. Rest in peace to everybody. 9-11. Uh-huh. They did 9-11. Does your brother have one? He's a modern dad. That's a good question. I don't have my phone. The air fryer has also kind of taken away the need of the toaster oven to a degree. I'll give you that. You can't put a pancake in an air fryer. Why not? Can't you put a waffle in there? Definitely. Really? You can't put everything in there. Yeah, we heat up the baby's waffles in there. The baby's waffles? The baby's waffles. He's eating waffles? Ketchup popsicle? The baby's waffles. He's eating waffles? It sounded like you were just learning how to talk. The baby's waffles. Maybe he's eating waffles. I mean, not like- Fucking, you know, not Lego my egg-o, but we make them baby waffles, and then- Oh, but you make them like- Aren't they like sweet potato or something? I mean, I don't make them. She makes them. Yeah. Banana-based, I think. That's pretty cool. That's probably good. Maybe like an egg or something like that. Oh, that's probably- I don't know. Nice. I like it. I like a- Most of his stuff is reheated in the air fryer, or he's got a thing that cooks it. I mean, he doesn't. A sous vide? No, cotton- Baby sous vide? It takes fucking six weeks to fucking make a pancake? That shit takes forever. What's the deal with that? What are we doing? I don't like it. Fuck at it. Put it on the grill. Sous vide? You've been doing that face a lot. That's very Alec Baldwin from- 30? No. No. Comedians in Cars. Yeah. Really? Really. I'm sorry. I'm thinning out. I'm looking more like him every day. I get more attractive. You're on his face. I'm not still on his facial expression. Okay, guy. Gotten a little too defensive about it. Did I? Did I, Kevin? Oh, you can do Batman, too. Hello, Kevin. Yeah, I don't know. Okay, I don't know. The chicken patty. That's- I'd be- He'd be running the company. It is the trashiest form of chicken patty. Why do you have a toaster at- At work office. When I worked at the law firm, they had a toaster. You were making toast at work? They had toast there for you. They had loaves of bread. You could make toast. Stop. You could just make toast. No, you couldn't. Yeah, there was toast and- Shut the fuck up. You quit right now. Wait a minute. They should do Jonah Hill from- You show me a loaf of bread and a toaster in a break room right now, I'll quit my job. I'll go to work for them. Wait a minute. What? You're telling me in the break room at work, they supplied you with toast? You're not going to- You're not going to believe me. I know you had orange juice and apple juice you drank it all the time, and you would get like a sugar coma towards the end of the day. No, I felt like my teeth were going to fall out at one point. That's crazy. I felt like a horse. I felt like there was too much space in between my teeth. I was drinking a lot of phosphate. Good for you. What? Continue. There was a loaf of bread. Not great bread, though, if I remember. But there were bagels. There was like a thing of Thomas bagels, and I believe Thomas English muffins. Two o'clock, you'd walk in the break room. You're just banging out an English muffin. Well, you're like also not allowed to just start eating when you're at work. Why? What do you think? So you couldn't get up from your desk at two o'clock, walk into the break room, make an English muffin, have it, and walk back to work. I mean, you could, but like it'd be relatively. People would be on your boss' side, like, what are you doing? I'm just grabbing a bagel. Yeah, you should be working. I am. No, you're making a bagel. I think. A bagel. Okay, all right. The boys are at odds today. You've never had a normal job. It's so funny. Well, you're like shopping. You don't understand how. You're like, what do you mean it's my American right as a patriot to eat these bagels you paid for? Well, if it's there, it's a snack room. You're saying you can only do it on your lunch break? That's kind of the thing, yeah. I see on The Office they do that shit all the time. What? That they're popping in and out, grabbing a soda. You can't go get a soda? Yeah, it's different. You can walk in and, hey, I'm gonna get a coffee. Grabbing a coffee and. making a bagel and eating a bagel are significantly different. You can't eat it at your desk? Hey, you just drank a coffee while working, right? Yeah. If out of nowhere you just got up, went, made a bagel, came back and ate it and tried to work, I'd have something to say about it. I think that's embarrassing. The problem with that is you'd smell it first. You're like, what the fuck is he doing? Yeah, if I walked to an office and I smelled bagels, I'd be like, what's going on in here? Who's working around here? Yeah. First of all, if I'm at work and I'm hungry and I smell English muffins, I'm done. I'm not where I can't focus. Are you kidding me? You can't do that. You can't do that. Might as well spray pussy spray in here. Fucking stripper perfume. I'm checking the fuck out, dog. You know what I'm saying? You can't walk, dude. That's crazy. That's fucking. I think it was, listen, I think it was. Putting toast? You are such a fat piece of shit. That's infatment. Toast? How am I supposed to just walk around when there's toast in here? Don't give me that shit. Nobody can walk around and smell toast and not get hungry. Regular people can't. No, they can't. I never fucked with the toast or the bagels. What's the butter situation? Yeah. Jellies, jams? Oh, fuck them. That place still in business? Yeah, I think they do very well. God forbid if you work for Google or something. You would take down the whole operation. They told me on limited vacation days you just never show up. Do they have that? A lot of places do. Unlimited vacation days? What the fuck does that mean? I mean, we have them. Yeah. Do we? Yeah, it's like you're technically allowed unlimited vacation days. I am. What do you mean? What do you mean? You're not. What are you, fucking nuts? Yes, I did. Didn't you go to. He was in Paris. He was in Paris for two weeks. You couldn't just not show up. That's not a vacation, you bozo. Do you have you. Have you ever. The only thing you've quoted about a job is the office so far. I worked in an office once. I was a dispatcher for Cary International Limousine Company. I worked the overnights. Uh-huh. Sounds like a character from a Law & Order episode if I'm being honest. I find the body. I don't know, Sag. She was right back here. I didn't see nothing. Yeah, that's the only office job I ever had. I don't know if that's a real office office. No. That is a call center. I could smoke cigarettes. For criminals. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I'm just saying, I think the unlimited vacation. I'm not playing dumb. No, I know. This is kind of new, too. The unlimited vacation is like, hey, let's say we were hiring somebody, right, and Luke goes, hey, I see you guys have an unlimited vacation policy. I go, yes, we do. I take the month of April off. Yeah, and I go, the people who. The people who. Who are going to abuse it do not keep the job. It ends up screwing you a lot of times. You end up taking less vacation. Yes. Because, like, oh, if you had guaranteed four weeks, you would just take. You'd be like, oh, I'm going on vacation end of August, whatever, but now people are like, I'm not going to go on vacation. I don't really. Well, so-and-so's not using all their vacation. I don't want to be the person who goes on vacation all the time, so it's actually, like, reverse psychology to not take a lot of vacation, but also people. Can I get a job at Google? Probably not, no. You don't think? I don't think so. As a personality? I'll see. If I have them pull up, we can apply. Well, that'll be a good Patreon episode. You can apply for a job at Google and see if you get it. That'd be pretty good. And we'll see. We'll do the video interview with you. I'll coach you through the video interview. We'll do some mock trials. I'll need a piece of toast. What is your toast policy? But people would come in early and do that. I think if it was like, hey, you have to clock in by 9, you would get there at 8.45, you could make some toast. Whatever. But you had to be. You can't show up at 9, fucking cruise to the clocking, cruise to the break room, stop by Sandy's, hit on her, go ask for your check a couple days early, go pop by. It's not that kind of vibe. These are white-collar professionals. So you've walked to the office and smelled toast? Yeah. I've been in there when people are making bagels and toast. That's crazy to me. What would our grandparents think of that? What? They'd say, get back to work. They'd fucking toast her at work? That's nuts. One of the Chinese are kicking our ass. Don't we have a toaster here? We have an air fryer here. Yeah, but we're idiots. This isn't a business. Morons. You're wearing a jean jacket. They had a toaster in the office. This is a denim shacket, I will have you know. You know, we're not like. This isn't an office office. Yeah, it's just odd to me that you're like, it's that insane. I guess, yeah, you're just. If you were to tune recording, I went and made a piece of toast, you wouldn't say anything. Anything? No, because we're not at work. You're off. That time in between is your life. You're like, hey, I need to run to the store. You're also. That'd be like your lunch break. Yeah. No. That'd be your 15-minute break. Fuck that. I'm going to start fucking counting your breaks. What do you mean? I want unlimited vacation days. You have them. You don't know how good you got it. I got nowhere to go. You're like. What? I got nowhere to go. You're going away. I got nothing. I'll be here in the city. Hanging out. Uh-huh. Google is hiring comedians to train AI. What's the job? I could be that dude in Terminator 2. That's just you now. That guy did the whole thing. They're just trying to give the artificial intelligence human-like traits and relatable humor. You're going to train AI to take our fucking jobs? You probably would, you scab. Fucking backstab me one last time. You ball prick. What's the deal with Toastette? That's not going to work. No shit. What's the. Is there a. What's the cash looking like? Yeah. Salary? I don't have that. Let me get. I mean, Google pays a lot. You're over six figures. Doing pretty good. That's pretty good. They're hiring comedians. Yeah. Is that just posted or is that like an article? Are they hiring writers or what? Yeah, I was going to say, why would they just go to fucking. They can reach out to anybody's agent and go, yeah, I want Sebastian. Yeah, you know. Well, no, but I think that it's really just like they want a bunch of different types of people to like help train this AI is ideally what they're going for. That's scary. I'm not doing that. Yeah, I'm not doing that. We ain't doing that. Oh, no, you know what I'll do? I'll work from the inside. I'll go in and bomb and this guy will stink. Yeah, they use these people. So they hire. I won't be hard. Hearing their flops. All right, so I told the packie there. I saw one of them dogs the other day. It was on 47. Or on 34th Street. Mm-hmm. One of those robot dogs. Yeah, what was he doing? Huh? What do you mean? Oh, have you. Have you ever had a conversation before? He was. He walked out in the front door. How do you open a door? No, there's a guy standing there. There must have been like a show dog or something. Like, you know, like a. What's it called? A floor model. A floor model? I don't know. Walked out and I got up on his hand and knees and his face started spinning. I would have fucking. I would have speared that thing like Bill Goldberg. I get in him with this. Fuck that guy, dude. He was a little one, but it was scary. He got up and he started walking towards the tourist. And he. It's something on his face that was like spinning. Like, it looked like a boring machine. That's what you are. Rude. Yeah, you know what's funny is my instinct. I was far away from it. Like, I wasn't near it. My first instinct was to kill it. Uh-huh. Is that weird? No. I don't know. Just thinking that thing went fucking berserk in Times Square. It's a little one, but yeah, you'd think you'd be able to stop that, right? I guess if it's made of a strong enough metal, you couldn't. Somebody would have to sacrifice themselves and grab it. That'd be a good job for you. Google Pay. All right. Robot dog wrangler. Let's see. Paying $150 to martyrs. Give it to my mother. Hey, give it to Patty. This one is from Phil90x. Great name. Sweet. That's a good one. $10 gym membership here. Only have one red, but kind of glossed over it. My apologies, sir. Sometimes that happens. We start yapping. being a big man get cooking is it garbage garbage to warm up bread or tortillas on your glass top stove not on a pan directly on the glass no that's also goes for anybody that has uh well yeah okay all right listen let's go back to the chicken is it trashy yes is it genius yes but chicken the chicken patty and the toaster okay um i'm okay with this i i mean i'm a hundred percent okay when i when i realized that i could heat that i could toast tortillas on the open flame on the gas stove but that's classy that's how it's done in mexico and shit they do that's over open flame on like a stone like a burner sure that's like that's how that's done hey yeah and listen and if it's on an electric one you're trash no you can't on the coils oh yeah no this is i yeah i don't think they they get hot too what is that electric yeah boogie woogie i don't think they i don't i don't think that i think that technology like the toaster oven got phased out i don't think they're toaster oven i mean the glass the glass like the toaster i don't know it's time i don't see them i don't see new ones much anymore my parents just got a real nice one i'm sure there's a get like the japanese i'm sure there's a very high-end state-of-the-art thing your parents just redo the kitchen yeah a year or two ago did they yeah on my way um let's see uh this is a great one too this is from chris ten dollar investor never have one read would you rather go to a cash bar wedding or a byob wedding i think a byob wedding the cash bar just rubs you the wrong fucking way you got me out here in this fucking suit it's a hundred degrees i don't like this broad i don't like your fucking jerk off friends i didn't like your fucking brother's jerk off fucking speech okay your mom's gonna get you out of here kind of a bitch she's always been a bitch to me feels directed at me no what are you talking about your mom's lovely to me yeah it's hot i gotta do this dumb shit all right but what if that's that's all the same if i could roll in with a cooler yeah but then okay you gotta park you gotta get the cooler out you gotta stop again that's that's to me way more i'd rather just pay hey keep the fucking cores coming boom keep the garage beers coming here now i gotta fucking get a cool what cooler are we bringing the yeti then you gotta do the math you gotta carry and i'm bringing i'm bringing the shit that i like all day ipas yeah okay chicks okay couple of seltzers sure bottle of wine bottle of that 1942 don julio that i like this seems crazy i don't get fucked up sure you can i'm saying you can do that for a 50 bucks where at the cash bar just go here's the cash keep it coming now yeah listen as a guy who's been friends with you a long time and never seen you carry anything i don't think you'll be humping that yeti cooler out of your car to the fucking thing that's not you you don't like taking a pelican home i get one of my cousins that do it okay okay all right do the cash bar okay but i'm not getting the chicken sure uh great question i thought byob wedding is trash i think byob is so underrated for like a restaurant love it a hundred percent love it yeah that's great it's like it cuts out a lot of it either yeah it cuts out a lot of the yeah just hustle and bustle and running back and forth and you can try love controlling i just think at a wedding if i'm in a fucking suit and i i mean you you got the back i got the front we're waddling in we're going where do we put the cooler why are we going together i don't know luke's getting married you getting married i'm just saying it's like i'd be invited to that right yeah there's a quick yeah you know you're down on the count when you gotta ask if you'd be invited um also what's he gonna say no true he's just gonna find out your schedule and book it on the day you can't go i gotta be a google that day yeah um that'd be funny you get him the job ah you can't it's not unlimited vacation you can't make it you're pegged in i'm gonna apply for that job okay i'm gonna get it i'm gonna turn him down i'm staying at kippy's maybe i get you two in a bidding war you also own the company you've you've really that's you really pick and choose when it's beneficial for you to buy sure that's who i want you negotiating that deal that's who i want to be verse ai all right all right how do i turn this on it's you versus the dog he's just beating your ass i'm playing chess against this thing by the way have you seen that ref on instagram god it takes no guff he does like aau basketball something the guy the white guy from detroit is that from detroit he's not from connecticut that guy's awesome by the way yeah he was what you call a straight fuck and shoot he's done uh like uh part of my take and stuff like that he's he's like a guy he called and listen i gotta call like i said you can't do the body nobody fucks with him yeah he's good yeah yeah he's uh he's he's like he's an internet guy for sure nice yeah that guy's all right have you ever seen the duke no the duke's the golfer i think he's from like the bronx or something or like pelham yes he's from up here he plays it like vane courtland he's fucking he wears like a t-shirt like a do-rag he's an old white guy did you kill it yeah he's like five five and dude he has like this like wind oh i've seen that guy and it's like always right down he pipes it right down the middle and he just rips bowls the whole time he's like yeah he'll just pair up with somebody you want to rip this yeah let's go the duke shout out to the duke i like the duke it's a good name it's a great name john wayne the duke by the way new jimmy stewart movie coming out you know jimmy stewart james stewart the actor yeah who's deceased i believe a long time yeah yeah yeah how's that coming out it's like a biopic of him going to he was a oh he's not in it no oh well i wasn't okay that's jimmy stewart biopic gotcha he was in world war ii came back thought his career was over got it's a wonderful life and a lot of ptsd the bomber pilot or navigator or something p25 b25s or something you haven't pulled up no oh you were looking at me you're watching my back it's what we gotta get the duke i i wouldn't mind having the duke on see if you reach out to him hit him up on instagram i'm sure we can get a hold of him on instagram uh i got a wedding coming up this summer who's i'd rather not say oh thanks for bringing it up on air what the fuck how am i what am i a family friend okay yeah are you going i don't know yet man you're where is it it's a ballpark uh around home oh my god i don't know where you're going i don't know where you're going home yeah uh-huh place i always wanted to hang out at the nice joint okay yeah i actually wanted to buy the place when i was a kid i thought i'd be able to buy it like someday i'm gonna buy that and our whole family's gonna live there all my cousins and everything that's the level of psychopath you're dealing with that's what you call damaged goods i wanted us all to live in this place and i'll be together forever then a lot of people died the acne that'd be sick what to live in an acne yeah and from the 80s let's say 93 wouldn't you agree on that i would want to live in one now you wouldn't want to live in one now i would the fuck i want to live the dial-up modems and fucking no we'll get to technology well then what's different the food products are dead huh dunkaroos they said not dunkaroos i guess they don't are you a.i i mean this you got a starbucks you have your bees in acme yeah they're always in acmes what what happened to us man starbucks and acme get the fuck i'll deal with it in target uh you're not i don't even know who you are sometimes starbucks and an acme fucking byob weddings you don't like starbucks and an acme i like my pancakes and a toaster i'm not saying hey i've never seen a starbucks and an acme acme is a local grocery acme i go to them you do that's where you shop what acme i can well so can i but do you no shut up i mean you have i didn't know you had an acne this guy's all right let's go one's got a new goddamn i used to work at an acme there's a starbucks in that acme there there was a starbucks when you worked there well huh get shut the fuck up no that's not true what you hear what are you talking about yes it is what you're 2003 four or five say a lot i don't think i think you're either a head injury i think they cut your hair a little too short which they did you just got a haircut too i need a couple of days that was three weeks ago so who are you i gotta rob base you're getting your hair cut every two days my mom also rob base what is it with you in 1993 guy i'm rob base and i came to get as i was placing the other day i was walking with some of that on my wall came to cut my hair i'm rob base and i came to get cut What are you looking at? What are you going to look up? I'm not looking up. I just woke up. You got damn unlimited vacation days. You're sitting there staring at the Duke. You would love the Duke being here chiefing. I can't smoke bowls. Don't hang out with the Duke. I can't smoke weed. I don't know what level of panic attack I would have if I smoked weed because I'm too far away from it. I haven't smoked weed in months. Right? Okay. You should have been. Some conflicting timelines there. I smoke weed. What are you looking at? You'd be cooler if you did. Starbucks first partnered with Target to open in-store cafe. I know, but we got to start with Target. I feel like Target was before Acme. Yeah, I don't think so. Do you think they were going for the Acme account and not getting Target? Hey, Kevin Ryan works over there. He knows it. He knows the numbers on bananas. I don't know why I'm personally attacking you. They went for Target first, dickhead. They're a regional grocery store. Target's everywhere. I wonder why you have no friends. I'm the only thing you've got. People can't handle me. These fucking tiny brain pussies can't handle me. First of all, I'm the only friend you've got, and I'm your business partner, and in this episode, you've insulted me personally and told me you're going to get another job. So, like, why the fuck? That's Google. It's a good opportunity. Is this about the Friday night of the only thing? Yeah, what the fuck? So, Target started in 1999, which was then followed by a large expansion in 2003. That's crazy. 99? Acme didn't start having the in-store cafes until late 2010s. That's impossible. That's impossible. Yeah, this Google's pretty whack, honestly. Google? Well, first of all, I got to be honest with you. Wait until I get over here. I'm going to turn that fucking dump around. Let me do a deep dive. Where's the John? Just to back up all my lies. You know, you just change it. Kippy is a dumb bulb. H. Foley has not smoked weed in months. I mean, there was a Starbucks there. I don't know what to tell you. I was the cart guy, and I remember having these rich housewives would come in, get their Froka Mapalates, and leave it in the cart. And I'd have to take it and throw it the fuck out. I remember being like, these rich bitches. I'm never going to be like that. I was a housewife. I wish I was. I'd go walking around in yoga pants. Not with that haircut. You got to let it grow in. Just a goddamn good old-fashioned family episode. This is from Probably Gay, Definitely Drunk. H. Foley account. Probably Gay, Definitely Drunk. It's all right. That's got to be a history. He knows names. That's funny. Is it garbage that when your mom dies, you find 32 cartons of Marlboro Reds and Black 100s in her refrigerator? Also, at her funeral, they set up packs of Marlboro Reds and lighters on both sides of a framed picture. That's a broad who likes a heater. That's wild. Wow. God love her. Yeah, that's trashy. 32 packs? 32 cartons. 32 cartons. See, those old schoolers, they like to get them. We're always on the thing of, let me get a pack. You're different than me when it comes to buying heaters, significantly. In which way? You're not going to like this. I'm smoking heaters. No, but you don't buy them. No. You never had them. I do buy them. We don't agree on this. Back in the day, you don't know me. Thought I did. You're never- This isn't about us, by the way. You also need, a lot of times, we're out. You need to find heaters. Okay, yes. Because I would say you're not prepared in the heater game. Yes. You always go, ah. Someone will be like, hey, I'm running to the, stop by the store. You go, ah, I got four heaters. And you're like, that's not going to last you for the next two hours. Right. But you go, I think you think- It's always my last pack. I'm always done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they didn't give a fuck. No. They got to get them at state minimum, load off. I remember seeing that. State minimum. Cigarettes at state minimum. Pfft. Sheesh. I know you're lying. Ugh. All right, let's see here. Let's do one or two more. Home run of a question, and big dog, sorry for your loss. Mm-hmm. This one's funny. This is from Mahoney, not that one. Shout out to Mahoney. Hey, Mahoney. If you mention states that you've driven through as places you've visited- Say that again? If you mention states that you've driven through as places you've visited- Ooh. For a long time. I would say- If you stopped, yeah. If you drive all the way through Virginia, you technically- If you stop for gas and some snacks, hand up. You were in Virginia. What'd the cops say you were in Virginia? Yeah. You were in Virginia, dog. For a long time. The only time I was on a plane until- Was it Con Air? Cypress. Um. That guy creeped me out. We flew to San Francisco. Yeah. You can't then say you were in Illinois. Well, that's funny you mention that. We flew to San Francisco when we went on that trip in 1989. It was after the earthquake in San Fran. We flew out there, and then we drove to Serene Lakes, California to visit our cousin. Shout out to him. One of the best vacations of my life. That's when we drove to Reno to go to that fucking- I've heard. Yeah. Johnny Squawk, the nugget, to go to the buffet. I got you. Yeah. Yeah. We had a layover at O'Hara Airport in Chicago. O'Hare. O'Hare. Catherine O'Hara Airport. Oh, that'd be so sweet. Mm-hmm. That'd be in Canada. I know, but it should be Chicago because that's where Home Alone was. Oh. I love that. But then it would be the different- Was it at O'Hare? Right? Where they ran through? Yeah. I was thinking Midway. Midway. Isn't that their other one? There's two airports there. In Chicago? Yeah. No, there's not. Okay. They got two airports? Yeah. We always fly in O'Hare. That's the main one. And we stay down there in Old Town. Right? Midway's the other. Midway. No shit. Shit. I thought you meant Midway like the famous naval battle. Mm-hmm. You were there, right? No. But I appreciate it and thank them for their service. I can't believe we're not Midway through this story yet. My mom always told people that she's been to Chicago. Because she landed there at a layover. We were there for like an hour. I think- And listen, I am saying that is boots on the ground, kind of. We didn't leave the airport. You would have to say- I bet- Have you ever been to Chicago? Yeah, but just a layover. I'm okay with that. Because you're qualifying it. If you say, yeah, it's a lovely city- My mom- Your line's saying shit. My mom was saying she was dying the river's green. Yeah, nah, that's a- Now, I say I was in- Before I had gone to London, I say I was in London because I had- Now, let me know what you guys think of this. I landed in London- I disagree. I was- Here's my walking papers. I'm going to Google. I landed in London. Right. I had a layover before. I had a layover before Dublin. Hello. And that- So what do you think? I went through. I left. Smoked a heater outside. Boots on the ground. London Airport. Heathrow. Afro. Is that where you were? Yeah, London landed in Afro. It's all right, man. Landed in Afro. Popped out. Caught a heater. Went back in through customs. I think I had to get my luggage like a dickhead. Yeah, I had to, right? No, maybe not. This wasn't that long ago. This was 17 years ago this week. Oh, really? 17 years ago this week. Can I tell you this? Sure. You were in London, my friend. Right? You were in London. You did not visit London. I'll take that. I didn't visit London. You see any British people? Yeah, you were there. You see one of them cabs, them black cabs? I don't think so. They ride around, you know what I'm talking about? What's so these? Where you going? Yeah. Take me down to the park. To the pub. Well, isn't that the best? Is that not good? What do you got? What's the best? Minus the L-O, isn't it? What's all this? Hit me with like a. I will occasion to inform against me and spell my dull revenge. What does it matter if the chief could in the market of his time be but feed and sleep? A beast no more. And surely he that created us. What's its laws? Fuck, I lost it. I don't think you ever really. You don't think I ever had it? That's high British. Luke, help me out. You're high English. You're high American, right? That's not good. You're like the Duke. Wait, no, no. Fuck that. I'm not leaving on a sour note. Cut that. Leave it. Give me some direction and let's do it again. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, see you all next week. Ta-ta. Fuck! I got. You got cashy people looking at this. I got fucking high power. What, you're walking away? I got a high powered agency. I can't. I can't be out there lunching it. This ain't it. This is gone. I know. It is. What's all this then? Bastards. Say peace. Peace. Oh, I thought you were going to do the voice. Peace.