How to Survive Holiday Overwhelm Without Compromising Your Sobriety

Hey everybody, welcome to the Addiction Unlimited Podcast where you get to learn everything you want to know about addiction and recovery. I'm your host, Angela Pugh, co-founder of Kansas City Recovery, Life Coach and Recovery and Alcoholic. To learn more about me, you can listen to episode zero on your podcast app or find us on the web at AddictionUnlimited.com. Hello my friend, welcome back to the Unlimited Life series where I've been re-releasing some of the most loved episodes from the Addiction Unlimited Archives. This is episode nine of ten and the timing could not be more perfect. We are days out from Christmas, stress is high, energy is low and this is exactly when people start feeling stretched then and vulnerable. And even though this episode was recorded a few years ago, the message still hits how to manage overwhelms, set boundaries and protect your sobriety when life gets loud and demanding. And just a quick reminder before we dive in, dry January boot camp is just around the corner. I do this every year and enrollment is officially open. It's totally free and if you want support going into the new year instead of white knuckleing it, this is where I'll be walking you through this work step by step. AddictionUnlimited.com/bootcamp and of course that link is in the show notes. Alright, let's get into it. Now, how about we dig in to this topic today about overcoming the overwhelm of holiday stress? Protect your sobriety through holiday stress, okay? That's what we're going to be focused on. And you know the first thing I'm going to talk about is planning ahead. Holiday season comes at the same time every year, okay? There is no excuse for not being prepared. But I'm already thinking about my plan for myself, right? There's no reason to sit back and do nothing and wait for the overwhelm to crush you when you know it's coming. And holiday stress isn't only about the parties and drinking either. There is added stress of preparation for travel or prep for people staying in your home, cooking and baking. Like I talked about a minute ago, the grocery shopping for all the cooking and baking. And of course the holiday gift shopping. Being surrounded by family members that we don't know all that well, being in crowds, social anxiety. All of it is exaggerated and at a higher level than normal. And then throw in the coronavirus on top of it all and the stress of trying to stay safe, keep your family safe, decide whether to have your celebration or not, travel or not, staying socially distanced through all the grocery shopping and gift shopping. I mean, it's a lot. It's just a lot. Did I even mention the financial stress of it all? I mean, money, money, money going out every freaking direction. It's kind of funny to me too. Like I said, holiday season comes the same time every year. So it's always a little bit amusing to me when I don't think about it earlier. You know what I mean? Like the last couple of years I've been really good about doing some of my shopping much earlier in the year. Instead of leaving it all to the last minute because it is stressful. I don't care if you have $10 million in the bank. Like it is stressful when you just see your money going, going, going, going, going, going every direction. So we all have stress in our everyday lives on some level, right? In the short term, stress can be good. It gives us a shot of cortisol and adrenaline and your body goods and action mode and it keeps you focused and helps you get things done. But you can't live in that state long term. You'll start having all kinds of crazy side effects mentally and physically and it's just not sustainable. What I want you to focus on in the next couple of weeks is getting a plan together for yourself. Not just thinking about it haphazardly but really mapping out a plan to protect yourself, protect your sobriety and keep your stress manageable so you don't end up vulnerable to the drink. Write it out in your journal or talk it through with your sponsor or your coach or your accountability person. Have a thorough plan in place. For those of you who are really doing the sober thing and have made a true commitment, you've probably already started thinking about this. And the first thing I want you to think about is having some boundaries. Boundaries around your time and your schedule, okay? I am a person who needs to take a time out here and there. I need to step away from the work, the phone, the computer, the family, the dog, the everything. I need a few minutes to decompress, get my thoughts in order and give myself a little pep talk and I need to do that in silence. So the way I do this is when I'm in any type of group situation, whether it's business-related, friends or family or AA, my escape is always to the bathroom. And if you've listened to this podcast for any length of time or for sure if you've been on a coaching call with me, you already know this is my thing. My group actually in my six week program right now were just laughing at me about this the other day. But it's so true. We all have to go to the bathroom multiple times a day. Excusing yourself to the bathroom is acceptable and normal in any situation. Like, it's the perfect escape if you need a minute. So use that time to your advantage. Take that couple of minutes to do a few deep belly breaths. Have a conversation with yourself to remind yourself that you're okay and tell yourself how strong you are and whatever else you need to say. Sometimes, if I'm grumpy, that conversation with myself is to remind me to chill the F out and remember to be kind and patient. Or if my anxiety is high, I will remind myself that I'm okay and I'm safe. Nothing bad is happening. And remind myself that I'm leaving soon, whatever the situation is, because I always have a time boundary whenever I go somewhere. I know my anxiety will be high. So I already have that time boundary. And you've heard me talk about that a million times. I decide in advance how long I'm in a stay. Long before I ever walk in. I know. Like in high anxiety situations, it's 60 minutes. So if I'm having my bathroom reprieve at 20 minutes in, I'll remind myself we only have 40 minutes left. Smile, say our hello and in only 20 more minutes we can start winding things down and saying our goodbyes and prepare for the exit. Another important part of boundaries also is having some boundaries around conversation topics. Think about it in advance. Are there certain topics within your family that you don't want to get involved in? No one can force you to speak or force you to engage in a conversation. If your family is divided about politics then don't talk about it. If you don't want to talk about your children or your drinking or your job or someone else's children or drinking or job, then decide that in advance and walk away when those conversations are starting. You can always excuse yourself to the bathroom. You see what I'm saying? You guys, the bathroom is the perfect escape. Even if you don't have to go, you can still go there. Or when the adults are misbehaving and you don't want to be involved, go play with the kids, play games with them, take them outside. Kids are a great escape from adults. This is your life, your stress and your recovery. We protect ourselves by not letting ourselves get to run down and tired and stressed out. Because when we get there, we're more vulnerable. We're more vulnerable to a drink. I have to manage the details that are going to wear me out and make sure I'm refueling myself when I'm running low. You can also use the bathroom reprieve to reach out to a friend or your sober tribe. Send a quick text to someone who will make you laugh or say something to them that will make them laugh. Any little thing that will break up the anxiety and discomfort. That small moment of connection will make a huge difference in your mood and the outcome of your day. Listen there are plenty of times that I escape to the bathroom somewhere anywhere. It doesn't matter where. And I'll just shut the lid down and just sit down. It doesn't have anything to do with having to actually go the bathroom. It's just my reprieve. It's a safe place that is acceptable in any situation for me to say, "Excuse me, where's the ladies room?" or whatever. Nobody questions it. And it's a moment of quiet time that I can just collect myself. This is another big one. Know who your allies are going to be through the holiday season, right? Like I just talked about with reaching out to a friend or your sober tribe. You've heard me talk about this in all these episodes about staying sober, holidays, social situations, whatever the thing is, you have to have allies. And we all have an instant connection machine in our hand or pocket at all times, our phones. There's no excuse to not connect. Have an ongoing conversation throughout the day. Send your allies funny pictures of your family or picks of the food or presence or the crazy sweater somebody's wearing. The content of your text doesn't matter. It's the connection that matters. And if someone walks by you unexpectedly and tries to hand you a glass of wine or pour you a drink, you can be in an uncomfortable situation in a split second. This is why you plan your allies and connections in advance because you can't plan for every situation. So the key is to be prepared for any situation. Make the choices to do the things that will protect your sobriety. Being connected to your sober tribe will protect your sobriety. Next one, don't be afraid to say no. Your time is yours. You are perfectly allowed to say no. You are perfectly allowed to have time to yourself. And it is your responsibility to create that. Don't be a person who says yes to everything and spreads themselves super thin and then is mad at all the people around you for asking you to do so many things. I see this so much and it is the craziest thing I've ever seen. It is not everybody else's fault that you said yes to too many things. Don't be mad at the people around you for asking. You need to look inside, look at yourself and say no. It is not other people's responsibility to not ask you. It's your responsibility to say no for yourself. And really, it's only awkward the first time and tiny bit awkward maybe the second time. Then it feels really good and you get good at it because it feels so good. You can easily say like oh I'd love to do that. There's just no way I can fit it in right now. Or I wish I could help with that but my plate is way overflowing as it is. You can also say no and offer another solution like I'm not going to be able to do that right now but so and so may be able to. Remember you only have control of yourself. You can't control the other people. You have full control of how you act and how you respond to things. So be intentional in your actions. And being intentional means you choose on purpose how you will do things. I choose to be quiet in conversations I don't want to engage in. My opinion is not so important that I need to speak up on things that are tense or that are none of my business. I choose to step away and have a few minutes to myself because I know that's what I need. I choose what I do and how I do it. That's what being intentional means. Also as we move into these next several weeks of higher stress I want you to be aware of your sleep. This has been a recent journey for me as well. It is definitely not uncommon for people with addiction to have sleep problems because our brains tend to move at a quicker pace for better or worse. And that doesn't allow us to slow down and relax enough to sleep well. And not everybody has this issue. I definitely hear people say they sleep well, people with addiction but a lot of us have this struggle. Because 2020 has been a year of taking better care of my body. For me that's been one of my major intentions. I've started to learn more about sleep and how to improve my sleep. And it really makes a huge difference in how our bodies manage stress and how run down we get. I have never slept well. Since I was a young person long before I ever had a drink, I never slept well. I think because I always had the brain. I mean I have the brain of an addicted person whether I'm addicted or not. So even long before I ever took a drink of alcohol I always had sleep problems. And just didn't sleep well and whatever. Again when we're run down and physically tired emotionally exhausted stressed out spread thin. This is when we are most vulnerable to drinking. When you are compromised and exhausted this is when the committee has its best opportunity to break you down and talk you into a drink. This is also when you are most apt to get a case of the fuck it's. You're tired and worn out and you just don't care to fight it anymore. And that's why it's so important to not let yourself get tired and worn out. All I'm doing right now to work on my sleep is I'm going to sleep around the same time every night and I'm getting up at the same time every morning. That's it. I have set some boundaries around my electronics in the evening. I'm cutting myself off from working at a certain time. I'm having some dedicated unwined time. I go to sleep at a decent hour and I wake up at the same time every morning. I will say I love routine and most of us love routine and rituals because there's a sense of safety in that knowing what's coming. Knowing what I'm doing, knowing what's going to happen. I am enjoying that part of it. I like being regimented. It makes me feel good and it makes me feel like I'm being disciplined and I'm taking care of myself. That's how you build self esteem by the way. Doing things to take care of yourself and doing things that are good for you. That's how you feel good about yourself. So be mindful of your sleep during this time of higher stress. Are you being intentional about your bedtime? Are you being intentional about your wake up time? Are you choosing to get enough hours of sleep? Being rested will help your brain function better. It allows you to manage stress and anxiety better and it will keep you strong in your intention to protect your sobriety. And you know of course I'm going to throw service work in this list. Okay. If you're having some stress about being around family for celebrations, think about some ways you can just be helpful. This is such a great distraction. Maybe it's helping to get the food and table ready. Cleaning dishes or clearing dishes and cleaning up after everybody eats. Intertain the kids. Be the family photographer for the day. This is one of my favorite things to do because other people aren't doing it, right? Like we're all hanging out and having this beautiful day and connecting and being together. But we're not necessarily focused on taking pictures. So it's one of my favorite things is just focus on getting some really good photographs of everyone. People love to have those memories but we don't always remember to stop and take photos. Also some of the best photos are the ones we aren't posing for. Especially with the kids. It's awesome to just linger around and get photos. Then you can later you can make an album and share it with everybody. It's actually a great gift idea too by the way. I love giving photo gifts. But you can make an album like for your mom you can get pictures of your whole family, beautiful candid shots, kids playing, all the siblings, whatever and put together a beautiful photo album and give it to your mom for Mother's Day. You can help handing out gifts or taking out garbage, cleaning up after the little ones. There are a million ways to be helpful. So you aren't just sitting around being anxious and uncomfortable. Okay, let's recap this really quick and I'm going to give you an action list. Don't eff around and put it off and never do it. Okay, if you want to protect your sobriety and stay sober, then you'll take the action necessary to do so. If you are being a person who says, "I don't need to do that. I'll be fine without that." But that's not for me. If that's what you're saying in your head when I tell you all this stuff to do, then, well, I guess that's your problem and I'm going to let you worry about it. I'm giving you all the answers. You just got to decide how important your sobriety is to you. And if you want to actually follow through and do some healthy things, or if you want to put yourself in a position of being vulnerable to relapse. Okay. Number one. Have boundaries around your time, schedule, and conversation topics. Okay. Here's your actions. Make a list of the things you have to do and know how much time that will take. Right? Like, really schedule it out. Like, we do the same stuff pretty much every year. Right? You know how long it's going to take if you're traveling. You know how long it's going to take if you're cooking. You know how long it's going to take for everybody to eat. How long it's going to take to open gifts. Whatever your rituals are, but know how much time it will take to do those things. Decide how long you'll stay at each event. Whatever you have to attend wherever you're going, if it's multiple places, I know a lot of people do multiple places. Decide in advance how long you're going to stay at each place and discuss it with your significant other or whoever you're going with. Like, decide in advance like, babe, let's stay here 60 minutes. Let's stay here 90 minutes. And then make a checklist of conversation topics you will not engage in. Number two, your bathroom reprieve. Okay. Make a mental list of things to do on your bathroom reprieves. Make belly breaths, a little pep talk, right? No, whenever you're going to the bathroom, if you're going to the bathroom because you just need a break or if you're going to the bathroom because you actually have to go to the bathroom, whatever the heck you're doing in there, make a mental list of how you want to utilize that time because you're just chilling in there regardless. Be connected to your tribe. Have an ally to be connected with throughout the day. Okay. Do those people are going to be for those of you that are in the sober society membership? We have our private chat. You can always be connected to us. Be connected in the Facebook group like whatever it is for you. Have some of your sober friends from your local AA meeting that you're texting with. Have your tribe or at least an ally that you can be connected with throughout the day. And send a few texts to those people. This is number three. Send some texts to the people you want to be your allies and who may need you to be their ally. Do it in advance. Establish those connections in advance. Like send a text to your buddy. Hey, do you want to be sober allies through the holidays? That's it. Or can I help be your sober ally too? Like you can say, super stressful day. I'm going to use you to keep me company today or whatever. You know what to say. Maybe you don't. I don't know. Email me. I'll tell you. Number four. Say no. This is a boundary around your time. I want you to think about this in advance. How much extra time do you have to help other people? I want you to think about that in a number of hours, right? Maybe it's two hours a week. You know how long your stuff is going to take because we already figured that out. You know how long each week you're going to have to dedicate to get your stuff together or you know when your shopping days are going to be and how long they're going to take. All that kind of stuff. You've already gotten that figured out. So decide how much time you have that is extra that you can help others. Maybe it's five hours a week. I don't know. Maybe you can do that out. But whatever you decide, once you have filled that time, you need to say no to everything else that comes out you that week. If it's two hours and somebody calls and says, "Hey, can you run, go pick this up for me?" And it's going to take 90 minutes to go do that. Your two hours is basically done. You've got another 30 minutes that you could squeeze something in. And I want you to have that boundary for yourself and really stick to it. Because all of us have a tendency to spread ourselves too thin because we're not being intentional. We're just not thinking about how much time things take. And how much time we really don't have. Especially parents and spouses. Because you're being pulled in so many different directions. This is extra important for you. You have to have that awareness. How much time do you actually have that you can give to other people? Be aware of that and be willing to say no to the things that are going to stretch you too far. All right. Last one. Look at your sleep and refueling yourself. Do you have a bedtime and a wake-up time? Are you getting enough hours of sleep? Are you taking time to refuel the energy that you're giving out to life and family and work every day? I have to replenish that energy, my friends. Okay. How's that? Precise actionable steps that you can take to manage your stress. Not only in these high stress times, right? Like the holiday season, but every day use this stuff every day. And all those things I just ran through, like get out your journal and just write that stuff down. Keep in mind that in the midst of everyday life and all the decisions we have to make on a daily basis, just as human beings, it's exhausting. And you and I have an added layer of responsibility to do the necessary things to stay sober. So we have this additional layer of some stress. And if we're not taking care of ourselves, getting rest, refueling our depleted little souls, then we're not going to be able to fight the battle of staying sober. Think about this with your kids or your job. By the end of the day, you are depleted. You've given your energy and attention and focus all day long. In the evening, we're starting to get snappy and irritable because we're tired because you've given away all your energy all day. And if you are exhausted and irritable and just generally pissed off, how well do you think you're going to be able to fight a craving when it comes? Or if you've been fighting a craving and some thoughts of drinking for days and you're keeping it all in your head, how long do you think you're going to win that fight? As you get more tired, more run down, more pissed off, you're getting more vulnerable to taking a drink. So plan ahead, get your act together, protect yourself, protect your sobriety. And that's a wrap. If this episode helped you slow down, reset or feel a little more grounded, I want you to remember this. You don't have to do the rest of this year or the start of next one on fumes. We're just days out from Christmas. If you're feeling stretched thin, emotionally fried or quietly worried about staying sober through the holidays and into the new year, that's exactly why I do dry January bootcamp every year. And you can sign up right now. It's totally free. AddictionUnlimited.com/bootcamp. This isn't about willpower. It's about structure and support and having a real plan. So you're not waking up in January saying nothing changed again. And there's a VIP experience available with live weekly sessions with me for those of you who want to upgrade and spend time with me live addictionUnlimited.com/bootcamp. You'll find the link to join in the show notes. And if bootcamp isn't for you right now, take what you learned today and actually use it. And if you're planning, rest, connection, these are not optional extras. They're how you protect your sobriety. Take care of yourself. Be gentle with your energy this week. And if you hit your breaking point and literally just can't take any more and you're ready for change once and for all, schedule a call with me. AddictionUnlimited.com/call. We'll start your new year fully empowered and sober. Unlimited.com/call. That link is always in the show notes too. I love you guys. I hope you're having a fantastic day and I will see you next week. You've reached the end of another great episode of the Addiction Unlimited podcast, Candid and Honest Conversation about Addiction and Recovery. Be sure to visit us at AddictionUnlimited.com to join the conversation and access show notes and links to everything we talked about. this episode, please take 30 seconds to subscribe, rate, and review on iTunes to help us improve and give you the information you want. Thanks for listening. See you next week.