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Speaker 3Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 22. And today I want to talk about how we can support children through a parental separation. And this was a recording. A request that came in. So please do keep sending your requests because it makes it easier for me to kind of choose topics to talk about that is helpful for your lives right now. Now, separation might be a situation that you're currently right in the middle of right now. It might be something that you feel may be coming your way or you're simply listening to this because you want to be there for a friend or someone in your family. Either way, I'm glad you're here and I hope you find it useful. Let's start by taking away any guilt or judgment. You might be harbouring as someone where separation is part of your life as well as for those who are looking in on this situation. No one embarks on the process of separating from a partner lightly. It comes with a great deal of considered thought and guilt too. Quite often the relationship's not been right for a long time. Staying in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the children is fundamentally more damaging to their well-being than separating. Full stop. So this episode is not about persuading people to leave an unhappy relationship but it is an episode which encourages us all to be more compassionate to those who find themselves in this heart-wrenching situation. So please, let's park judgment and truly seek to understand. And for those in the midst of this, please know you are not alone and things will get better in time. They just feel pretty rubbish right now. Those who have followed me on social media, for some time, will know that I myself have been through a separation and divorce when my children were 16 and 13. And it was pretty rough, if I'm honest. Actually, it was really rough. And there were times I didn't believe it was ever going to get any better. Yet here I am, five years on, incredibly happy, newly married for the second time and able to look at my 21 and 18-year-old with such pride. Has it impacted them? Absolutely. Will it continue to affect? Them into their adulthood and their own romantic relationships? Absolutely. In both a positive and a negative way. Do I have any regrets? Absolutely none. Without advocating for separation, I wish it hadn't come to that. But what my divorce has taught my children is that sometimes things don't work out as we plan. And we have choices. We are empowered to make the changes we need to make for ourselves. So, enough about that. Let's move on to how we can minimise the effects on our children. Let me first be clear. A separation is likely to affect your children. That is absolutely true. But so does watching their parents unhappy. Children see and know more than we think. Well, more than we like to think they do. So many children, when the decision finally comes and we communicate it to them, know, have known for some time it's coming. So, what I want to do is I want to break down sort of my top tips and my advice into two sort of areas, really. The sort of the area about how do we go about actually telling our children and then what are the best things to do when we're dealing with day-to-day life after the separation. So, here are my, and then in no particular order, I've sort of had a bit of a brainstorm and written them down. But I think these are all some key terms. So, apologies if we end up, if I end up repeating or it sort of hops about. But these are all some key terms. These, for me, are the basic ground rules that we should look at following when we're telling and we're communicating to our children about the separation. So, the first one is what we want to make sure that we communicate to the children is that the breakup of our relationship as their parents with each other is about our relationship with each other as adults and not that of our children. Children's biggest fear is this notion of abandonment. And they often then take off this notion that actually if you as their parents have split, if you as parents can leave each other, what does that mean for the possibilities of us leaving them? So, we need to be super clear in all of our communication that it is about our relationships as parents that has broken down, that our love for each other is no longer in the same way, but that our love for them is unwavering, that we are still there for them it is just about our relationship with each other. So, that's really, really key that we communicate that. And what I would also say, it's about making sure that we use language that's appropriate for their age. So, you might have children that are different ages. So, try and when you communicate the details, communicate a language that is appropriate for the youngest, but obviously you're going to have conversations with each child at various different times along the process. But just make sure that you use language which is appropriate for their age. Don't get caught up in legal language. Don't get caught up in more adult language if it's not necessarily appropriate. And the third tip that I would have, and I know that this is quite a tricky one, so we're going to talk about this one a little bit. My personal view, and this is my personal view, is that we should not be apportioning blame when it comes to explaining to our children about the breakup. And I know that this one can be particularly tricky when it comes to explaining to our children about the breakup. Where there has been infidelity. The difficulty that we have is that there is a lot of emotion behind a separation. Where that separation has come about through infidelity on one part and the other person still wants that relationship to work. Maybe even there hasn't been any infidelity, but one has called time on the relationship, whereas the other really wants to try and make a go of it. The difficulty that we have is when we start apportioning blame, there's a lot of anger and emotion behind it. And it's not helpful for our children. Now, I know a lot of you will be thinking, but Mary-Han, I'm so angry. Why should I not tell the children that I wanted to keep the relationship going, but my partner is the one who has created this challenge, that's created this situation, that has broken our home and has created all this hugely damaging effect. And I guess I want you to just sit for a moment with that language that I've just used and that narrative and ask yourself, how helpful is it for my children right now if when I communicate to them about the separation of their parents, that it is helpful for them to know that it is as a result of one person? And it's not that I am saying that you, if you are in a situation where a partner has been unfaithful, that it is your fault. But my view is that the relationship and your relationship is two-way. You are partners in that relationship. And whilst you're in that relationship, whilst one may have made a choice that has created this scenario, your relationship has brought you to this point. And apportioning blame for our children is not helpful for them in dealing with what is a very difficult situation. And I think it does take a lot to not get sucked into that, but I do think it's really key for our children to see a united front, to understand that actually, ultimately, the relationship between both of their parents has not worked out and it is about the relationship between their parents and not them and that that's where the split is coming and I know that that's a really tricky one and I'm really happy for those of you that might comment on this to do another episode because I suspect that this is probably going to create a whole load of questions but for me I really don't think it's helpful to apportion blame. The next one is that make sure that when you have the conversation with your children about a separation is that you talk to the children together, that you're all together in a room, that you have that conversation together even if the relationship with your partner is acrimonious and challenging and difficult. You owe that to your children to sit together and to be able to communicate that in the right way. So it is about sitting down together, explaining to them that the breakup of the relationship is about you as adults and not them. It's about using appropriate language and it's not about apportioning blame, it's just simply communicating that that is where your relationship is at. Now when you've communicated this I think it's really important that you have some sort of plan about logistics. Children find it easier if they know what is going to happen. When we explain that there's going to be a separation but we haven't really, we're not able to communicate to our children what that's going to look like in practical terms, it can create a huge amount of additional uncertainty for our children. There is uncertainty in the fact that the relationship has broken down but what we can then offer is some relative certainty in terms of what's going to happen logistically. Where are our children going to spend their time? What is going to happen about where you as their parents are going to live and how our children, how your children are then going to spend their time? Sometimes we do not have all of the answers, we haven't ironed all things out and in some situations we are both going to be in the marital home or the relationship home for some time before. But I do think it's really important before you communicate what's happening in terms of separation is that you have, you've had some discussions, you've got some logistics that you can share with your children and certainly my view is that the sooner you're able to have that separateness, the easier it is for your children to begin that process. Children often find it difficult where we've made that announcement that there's a separation but we're living in the same home together for a long period of time. Because to the children, they don't understand, they've been told that the relationship is no longer going to be, you're not going to be together but everything that they see about the way that you're living life is no different. So it is really have a plan about logistics when you speak to your children. And the other part is about being available to answer their questions, create opportunities once you have spoken to your children for them to be able to ask questions and encourage them to ask questions yet also be aware that they may not ask questions straight away. Some children need some time to process it, it sort of needs to sink in before they're able to ask some of those questions. So be available, create opportunities for those questions to come up. And what I would also say is don't bottle up your emotions and avoid crying in front of them. I think quite often we feel that once we've told our children that there's a separation, that we need to be strong, that we need to not show emotions in front of them. And my argument would be that actually, if you do that, you know, this is a sad time and children need to know that you're, that they're not alone in their sadness. So if they see you getting upset, it gives them permission to get upset also, because it's okay for us to explain to our children that the relationship itself is no longer serving you as their parents. But that also makes you sad because that's not what you had hoped for it. So it is okay. And actually, I would say it's really important that our children see that it makes us sad too. So that's absolutely fine. What I would say is it's important, and we'll talk about this in the day to day, is being mindful that we don't show the anger towards and resentment in critical ways with our, the partner that we've separated with, but certainly the sadness is absolutely fine. Now, some practical things that we need to think about is that we should then, once we've communicated to our children, or maybe before, if we know exactly when we're going to do it, is that we should be communicating this separation to their teacher, if our children are at school, maybe their key worker, if our child is at nursery or preschool, or to anyone else who has some form of support process with our children, whether that's a nanny, whether that's a childminder, whether that's neighbours or even grandparents who pick up, aunties and uncles. I think it's really important because then they know that you've had that conversation and they're also able to be there should children then have any questions. So it's really important that we do that.
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Speaker 3And then I do believe that once we've told our children, we should look at making the changes as quickly as possible whilst maintaining normal routines until then. So normal routines in terms of going to school, in terms of pickup, and in terms of how things just work. Within the family home. And then the last one that I would say in terms of the ground rules when we're telling our children is reassure our children that they are not the cause for the separation. Children often blame themselves and may well ask questions around what they might have done to contribute towards the separation or they might use language about that they maybe, you know, if they'd gone to bed on time and hadn't made you cross or angry or frustrated that they would, you would not be separating or maybe they would have said, maybe if they had been behaved better or not been rude or done their homework, whatever it is, please remember. And for those of you who've not listened to my podcast episode where I've told my own personal story, then do go and listen to that. Mine's not about the separation of my parents, but when my father died very suddenly. Children create their own narratives if we do not communicate with them. If we don't explicitly tell our children that they are not the cause of the separation, that it is to do with the relationship that we have with their parents, with, you know, our partner as their parents, then children create their own narrative. So it is absolutely critical in this time that we communicate openly. We keep the dialogue open. We ask our children if they've got questions. We let them know that we're available for them at every moment that they need to have those conversations. We can avoid our children taking the blame and feeling that they are the direct cause because if we don't create those opportunities, they will create their own situation. And we just don't want that to happen. So those for me are the basic ground rules when it comes to telling our children that there is a separation. But how do we deal with the day-to-day life after the separation? And I think, you know, quite often we focus a lot on that. How do we tell our children and then really don't think about what happens once we've told them? And in my personal experience, telling the children was probably the easiest part. The most difficult part was, the dealing with the day-to-day life after the separation. So here are some things that I, my sort of advice, my tips. And the first one I would say is that children may well regress in their behaviour after you've told them of a separation. This is normal and it will pass. You have not messed them up. And please, we'll look at some of the things that we might then do as a result of that. So if you've got a child who begins to wet the bed, that is a normal part of that regression. They're feeling anxious. They're feeling unsettled. That is normal. You haven't psychologically scarred your children and they will come out the other side. So it's just knowing that this regressive behaviour is normal and it will pass. And I say this in connection to the next point. Try and avoid your own guilt driving your choices about acceptable behaviour for your children. So if we know that our children are going to regress and we see some regression in the pattern of behaviour and then we feel guilty because we think we've messed them up, what can then happen is the boundaries and expectations that we have around routines, we can be tempted to lower the bar and that's not helpful. Children thrive on boundaries and routines, particularly so in scenarios where there's huge change. So don't be tempted to lower your bar of expectations. However, be empathetic, be understanding, give your children time to talk and offload. And accept that this isn't a normal part of the process. But don't try and overcompensate for what you think is a situation that you've created and that you feel guilty for. You'll have more problems unpicking that than you will about being clear with boundaries and routines. Your children will thrive on that and will do better as a result. The next one is about finding a pattern of communication with your ex-partner which works for you. And doesn't cause you too much pain. Now a lot of this depends on how acrimonious the separation is, what your relationship is like with each other and how respectful you end up becoming. Separation creates very different patterns of behaviour with different people and you may have had a very healthy and respectful level of communication in your relationship but when the separation happens it can change things. It really can and it can change not only your behaviour but also your partner's. So you need to find a pattern of communication which works for you and that might be that you've got a really great, you've come to this decision together, you're really working well and in fact you might find that your communication has in fact improved because you're both working towards something that you know is better for both of you. That might not necessarily be the case and there may be a lot of anger, there may be a lot of frustration, there may be a lot of blame. So what you need to do is be honest with yourself about what works for you at that particular period of time and it may well change and being able to clearly communicate that so that you reduce the amount of anxiety and anger and frustration that it causes you because this stuff tends to spill out in terms of the way that we communicate and our behaviour with our children. So now more than ever your self-care is crucial. Taking care of you is important because it's about your self-care and your self-care is about grounding yourself, checking in on where you're at. Has that last email triggered you? Has that last conversation ended up with all sorts of things in your head that has made you not being able to sleep because you're angry or you're questioning every comment that was made? Until you take care of you, that narrative is likely to impact how you are with your children. So just find that pattern of communication but also make sure that you take care of you too. And then the next point is about engagement. Accepting that you may not choose to parent in the same way. So you may have had very much a united front in the way that you parented or at least agreed on how you set rules and boundaries. When the separation occurs, you may still have a great relationship where you both parent in a similar way across the two households that your children sort of navigate their way through. But you may find that your partner, your ex-partner, chooses to parent in a different way and you need to be accepting of that. You cannot force that scenario. Clearly it makes sense for children. Children feel better when there's consistency but you are now operating across two households. And much in the same way as I would give advice when our children come back and say, oh my friend's able to do this, why can't I? And we give the narrative that says, well different houses have different rules. Then use the same here. Don't get into battles that are unnecessary around rules in your home and rules in your ex-partners. Accept that they are going to differ and focus on what you're doing in your house, in your home and your rules and your ground rules in your home and explain to your children when they come back and say, well I'm allowed to do this at daddy's or I'm allowed to do this as mummy's. And I know that that can trigger us. I know and it's very much linked to the next point I'm going to make. But what's more important is we stick to our lane. Focus on what we're doing. Let's not worry about what anyone else is doing. Let's focus on what is important to us in our home and the way that we are bringing up our children in the home in which they live in with us and being consistent and clear and accepting that our partner and ex-partner may not be able to do the same thing that we're doing. So that our ex-partner may choose to parent in a different way. Which brings me to my next point. Accept that our children may appear to take sides. Particularly when we think that our children are being showered with gifts or bribed or being allowed to behave in a particular way. Or maybe that our ex-partner is being the fun parent. Yeah, that they're allowing them to do all sorts of things. Maybe they've got their devices in their bedrooms and they're being able to eat sweets and there's no boundaries about bedtime. Now children might love that flavour of the month behaviour but they respect boundaries. We are parents for the long haul. We are trying to raise children who are going to be well adjusted, confident and resilient adults. And in order to do that we need to create boundaries. It's not a popularity contest and children respect that in the long term. Be the best version of you and do not worry about what anyone else is doing. It all comes out in the wash. So the next one that I would say is never pass judgement or criticise your partner publicly with your children. Now there are going to be times where you are going to have to grit and bite your tongue and there are also going to be times when things slip out. Please don't over reflect and feel that you're a bad person for doing that. But it is really important that our children do not do that. It's really important that our children do not do that. It's really important that our children do not see us passing those judgements or being critical. Because what happens is we then place our child into this situation where they feel piggy in the middle or they feel that they need to take sides between one parent and another. And that happens when we pass judgement and criticise. Be the bigger person. Be the one that is ultimately focused on what's right for my child in this moment rather than what makes me feel good for that moment because I'm angry and frustrated. I'm angry and frustrated. the number of reviews that we get. So please, it really only takes a moment to do that. But it helps others to find us and then we can spread the love. So until next time.
Speaker 2More LGBTQ plus individuals are able to donate blood with the American Red Cross due to FDA guidelines that eliminate eligibility questions based on sexual orientation. To learn more and make your appointment to donate blood, visit redcross.org. That's redcrossblood.org slash LGBTQ.
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