164: How To Stop Overthinking Your Relationship

[Music] Hi baby, welcome back to the Being Her Podcast. We are truly being her today. I wish I could show you this dress. Today I have a Mother's Day event with my child. Oh my God. Like Mother's Day events just make everything worth it because you just see the love. You feel the love. You see the love they have for you. It is amazing. For those who are listening and not watching and wearing a green dress, it is giving what it needs to give. This video today, or this podcast, depending on where you are consuming the content, is all about how to stop overthinking a relationship. This is one of the most Googled terms on YouTube, on Google obviously, on Reddit, on all of them. I don't read all of that, but I have my own opinions on it. The overthinking a relationship is a hobby I had in my 20s. I had that hobby. I can't keep driving in your blue car. I had that hobby because I thought I think the natural instinct is you think that it will get you somewhere. The more you think about something, the more you solve a problem, the better you're going to feel about it, right? But that's not necessarily true when it comes to relationships. So about seven points that we're going to deep dive into and discuss about why you should not overthink a relationship, because you could wear a good relationship, or you could simply overthink a bad relationship and that won't help it. And hopefully I can stop the spiral for you because I've done it for myself. I used to overthink relationships. I used to be anxious, the attached, back in the day. And now I could not think about a relationship for more than I guess five minutes or if something diabolical happens and it's interesting, I mean, yes, I'll call a friend. But overthinking a relationship is maybe it is a young woman's sport. I don't know, but we're going to get you over it, okay? Oh, in other news, I finally got the physical copy of Unbothered. Please pre-order it, guys. So one time I managed to get everything out of this car is the time that I want to show you the book and I had them delivered here, but I do have a photo of it for those who are not who are watching. It is glorious. It is pink. It is green. It is unexpected. She's having a moment. All right. Let's get into point one of how and why you should stop overthinking your relationship. The biggest and strongest point I have to make for you is that reassurance does not fix insecurity. Okay, if you're seeking reassurance and overthinking a relationship leads you to ask him to reassure you, ask him to make sure, like, you know that classic thing that girls do, would you love me if I was a worm? Would you love me if I was like born in a different continent and we never met? Would you love me if this one and the other one? That does not lead you to feeling more secure in your relationship because reassurance does not fix insecurity. The insecurity comes from you, not from any reassurance he's going to give you. So you thinking about the relationship, you seeking clarity, you seeking for him to come for you, to console you, took a joll you, to baby you, all of these things are not going to make you more stable and more in love with yourself and more in love with the experience of said relationship. The anxiety will always come back and the worst part about it babe, the worst part about looking for reassurance from him, let's say in this scenario, is that you will always look to close your insecurity loop with him reassuring you. Now what happens and it always happens in any kind of mammal or human situation when you reinforce a habit, it repeats again and again and again. So if you always give yourself a sweet treat whenever you're stressed, you're always going to crave a sweet treat right. If you're always fixing your insecurity with his reassurance, sometimes it's nice for someone else to reassure you. But if you're always fixing it with his reassurance, you will look for it more and more again and again, you don't need more reassurance, you need more self trust, you need more of your self return to your self to self sooth and yourself to be able to say you know what I got this. How do you build self trust, you show up for yourself, how you would show up for someone you love. I like to equate it to, and I talk about it in my new book, how you would show up for a pet because there are studies shown that people give the medication that their pets need way more regularly and in a way more systematic way than they do themselves. We do not go take good care of ourselves, but if we love someone we do. So you need to show up for yourself like you would for someone you love. Point number two, you need to understand if you ever think a relationship is you treat uncertainty like it's danger. You need to get uncomfortable. My son always talks about his shoes not comfortable, his socks not comfortable, his bag's not comfortable. I remember as a child putting on my t-shirts and underwear inside out because I hated the feeling of being uncomfortable, the intrinsic power of being a human being is to push through discomfort. If you can live with delayed texts, different tones from people needing space and understand that the relationship is not ending and that the world is not exploding, you are going to become super human and incredibly powerful. And I know what you're thinking right now, but if I don't pick people up on the fact that their texts salate that their tone has changed or that they need more space, I will be abused in my relationships. That is wrong. If you let people act the way they will without trying to control them, you will soon see what that person is actually presenting you in the relationship and whether you want to go ahead with it or not. The more you mask the behavior and pick up on it like a school teacher as soon as it happens, the more that person can do things that mitigate actually changing, have long conversations, get space and then come back into the relationship and you with your dumb head believe that he's changed because you've now had an argument you've told him off for the delayed text messages and the different tone and the needing space and all of this rubbish, right? You've told him off and now he's vowed to you that he's going to change. He's not changing. It is just the repetition of the same thing and that kind of movement causes you like a traffic control trying to control the situation and you're like, yep, he's changing no one's changing, boo boo, no one's changing. You need to learn to sit with uncertainty and just sit through it and be able to breathe through it in order to see the reality of the relationship. If this is a good relationship, which for arguments say it is in this conversation, then you will see that that person just failed to reply to you but they still love you and they were just busy or their tone was different because they were stressed at work. You will all come out in the juice, you know what I mean, once it's happened. If you always react as if the relationship is ending on any tone change, you will drive a good relationship into its natural conclusion. Sorry to interrupt this podcast, I just need to talk to you about my nails. We all like our nails to look good but it's always when it's last minute, you've got to have your nails look good for something and you've got your kids, your job and everything and you can't fit in a manicure. That's what Oliver and June has changed everything for me. Their manic system gives you literally everything you need for a salon, quality manicure at home in one box. 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And I also want to talk about the role of the film "I love the beauty winner as well so I can make it look like a man who is the best and I love the beauty winner." And that's why I'm going to talk about the role of the film "I love the beauty winner as well so I can make it look like a man who is the best and I love the beauty winner." Stop the inevitable control of outcomes. Not to detach from people, events or people you love or animals or all ideas, but to detach from outcomes. You cannot my love control outcomes. I cannot control outcomes. One can only control their input and output of what they do but they cannot control an outcome. You just need to throw shit at the wall and see if it sticks. Throw the best shit you can at the wall. Throw your best shit at the wall. You cannot control how that shit is delivered in the long run. If you try and control outcomes by analyzing them, checking, questioning, checking on the person, where did he go, what did he do, what did he mean, what did she mean up down and it applies in friendships too. You think that if you think about something enough, you can control an outcome. You over-stop overthinking relationships by understanding this once and for all, you cannot control the outcome of anything. No matter what you do, you cannot in the end control an outcome. No matter how ripe for peach you are, not everybody is going to like peaches. No matter the rightest moves you make, somebody could still betray you on her. It does not matter. It's about how strong you are to get up after you've been betrayed or hurt. words, not the fact that you prevented it. There is no prevention. We sometimes have to go through pain and walk through things and we cannot prevent it. Okay, no amount of questioning, analyzing or checking or overthinking a relationship is going to prevent pain or the goodness of a relationship. If anything, it can drive a good person away from you. Yeah. You think, if you think enough, it's going to prevent pain. It's not. And I know that sounds a bit tragic, but it's the truth. Number four, healthy love feels unfamiliar. Okay. You need to understand that sometimes a healthy relationship is going to feel unfamiliar to you. That if you are used to chaos because you will not love correctly and for your merits in your childhood and you were maybe overlooked, abandoned, demanded from engulfed, any of those things that can give you a wonky attachment style. You know, how off-girlies and boys have. I know a few boys have been coming on to our trial recently and being him. Yes, they have. Healthy love is going to feel unfamiliar and you're going to question it. So sometimes when you're sitting in a relationship and you're starting to overthink it, you need to understand, huh, my brain is just not used to this pattern. My brain is just not used to this feeling a little bit boring, a little bit normal or a little bit suspicious or a little bit weird. Sometimes securely attached people, let's say you're dating someone, are not always going to have this heightened level of chaos that you're used to and this heightened level of chaos that you're used to is going to give you a relationship that you feel safe in because you are mirroring someone who's like your dad who didn't love you in the right way. Your mom who maybe yelled at you all the time because you got school work wrong. But once you break that pattern and you're like, nope, I'm not going to play out my childhood scenarios and insecurities anymore. Freya. Freya is our girl for today. I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm going to try something new. You need to understand you're now delving into something you've not done before. It's like doing a new sport like swimming tennis, whatever. I cannot play it to save my life, right? So for you, doing something unfamiliar is going to feel odd and suspicious. That does not mean you need to overthink it. That does not mean you need to question it. That does not mean you need to police it. It means that once you break a loop of the similar relationships that you're used to expect for it to feel a little bit uncomfortable like a shoe that you've never worn before. Understand? The fifth thing you need to understand if you overthink relationships is that you are an observer. You are not a liver inner. We as consciousness are born in order to I suppose for God or source to experience this life through different lenses. If you do not live your life and actually live it and push the limits and see what happens and actually enjoy it, there is no way for source to express themselves through you as a being. What does that mean? You're constantly monitoring, constantly checking and acting like a big brother in your life like a CCTV camera. You're not actually living to your full potential and there is not only just detrimental to your relationship that is detrimental to your fulfillment of self. You need to try and be in this relationship and actually live it and act naturally and normally and not be this pavaia and perusa of your life but a liver of your life. If you do not live your life, you will not actualize to your full potential. You're standing outside the relationship, analyzing it instead of being in it and by not being in it, you're missing out on the true essence of the relationship. If you're always policing yourself, I wish you had this or I shouldn't have said that. I'm going to reply to him like this and you plan out all of these things. You're not truly living in what is natural and nature like animals and the worlds. It's all created in order for you to experience the self in its entirety. There is no amount of planning you can do to create the best outcome. I suppose you have the lens of like a director you're trying to mitigate bad things and you're trying to look in the best way possible and I suppose it comes from people like me or others advising you to be the main character or act a certain way until you make it. But if you notice all the main characters and all the movies and in the whole world just do there a natural being that just does. So effort just be. See what happens. Number six thing you need to understand is this over analyzing, thinking, texting, giving, policing, all of these things is actually going to derail the natural progression of a relationship, right? The attraction will shift. I will give you a friendship example because you might not have been on the other side of it in terms of relationships. If you think of a friend who is very clingy, who always asks you what's wrong, if something has changed in your relationship, if you see her differently now or maybe a childhood friend or it doesn't matter who, right? Or it could have been a partner that this has happened to you from in which case the example will be even clearer. You naturally start to pull away from that person because you feel constantly monitored that your actions are going to somehow create an emotional reaction. That person does not feel safe for you to be around because they are constantly looking out for you to do something in order to say oh, something wrong, something go wrong, you do not want to be that person in your relationship. You do not want to be the one monitoring and policing and pushing that person away. I don't want that for you. The thing you're scared of is the thing that you're manifesting. This is the thing that people always talk about. They say what you're scared of, you attract. What does that mean? That's so esoteric and woo-oo, but it's not because the thing you're scared of, let's say we're scared that this man is going to not like us anymore. And so we start watching out for it. We start questioning him. We start asking him things like oh, you're okay. You didn't message me, etc., etc. That kind of policing and engulfing attitude will send even the healthiest, most normal person who did like you on the back foot. They might not dump you. They might not run away, but they'll certainly get on the back foot. I know this from female relationships with me. I used to have a child or a friend and they were asking me what's wrong. She'd always say, oh, do you want to hang out with me anymore? And after a while, I just felt so monitored and so watched. And even if I went out with another friend, this is when I was like 13 years old, I felt that she's going to get upset. She was not safe to be around because she could not handle her own emotions. And therefore, because I felt the burden of her emotions, I then did not feel free to be myself. She sensed, I'm not free to be myself. She kept asking me more and more of what's wrong. And it's a self-affilling prophecy. That's not something you want to do in a relationship. You want to give a person the freedom to be natural and be themselves and to come to you from a place of adoring you and love and not a place of fear to always act correctly. So do not overpolice your relationship and overthink it because you will send even the best person running. Let's go number seven and then I'll tell you what to do. It's a very like as a taric thing, but it actually works. Number seven is the goal is not to not be an anxious person. It's not to completely change your personality and be a cool girl because that doesn't work. Yeah, you're still going to be you. And if you're used to monitoring and policing and managing and all of these things and controlling in essence, it's control, then you cannot just stop it. The idea of number seven is put yourself first and do not self abandon. So when you feel like policing someone monitoring someone asking them what they're doing, how they feel about you, think, what would I do if I loved myself? That's question one. And the thing that you need to do number two is say the thought pops up, oh Jacob didn't text me, he must not like me. The first thing you need to do is ask yourself, what else could it mean? It could mean he's busy, it could mean he fell off the roof, it could mean his mum called, it could mean he's got a different text and cadence than I expect. Maybe he texts less than I do, it could mean a myriad of things, right? So we need to calm the anxiety. And if you're really looping, then as soon as a thought comes up, you need to say delete, delete, delete, or cancel, cancel, cancel. Jacob doesn't like me, delete, delete, delete. Jacob's not looking at me, delete, delete, delete, or cancel whatever your word is and you repeat it, you're breaking the cycle of trying to look for reassurance in him trying to loop cycle, trying to think about it, your brain's not going to like it, your brain's going to go, no, no, no, no, we need to think about why Jacob's not texting me, delete, delete, delete, we don't think about that anymore. It's not our business, it's not our business. We're not in the controlling other people business anymore. See how your life will be in its natural state without controlling or policing anybody. You could be magical. Anyway, I'm off to my son's lunch for his school, for mums, living it up. I love you lots of jelly tarts and let me know if you've re-ordered the book and what you think of the cover. Bye.