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Speaker 2Hello and welcome to the How Not to Sweep. Grow Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode, managing impulsive and habitual behavior. I want to help with techniques to help your child come out of autopilot, and particularly autopilot when it comes to unhelpful behaviors. So, this episode will be super helpful if you have a child that has ADHD. We know that impulsivity is a big part of their behavior. And this episode is super helpful for children who worry a lot, lack confidence, or are often emotionally dysregulated, as they too tend to get stuck in automatic cycles of behavior that they struggle to break. So, basically, this episode is for every child. And also, I would say every adult. Now, let's start, I think it's helpful to start with some definitions so that we all know, well, I'm talking about specifically. So, the first one is, what is an impulse? Well, an impulse is a sudden strong and urge or desire to act where you have not reflected or thought before taking action. So, it's this idea that there's an urge, there's a desire, and it's super, super strong. But what is impulsivity? Now, I've looked at the definition for impulsivity, and for me, it's easier to actually, to break it down into the four things that impulsivity is characterized by. So, it's characterized by a lack of forethought. So, you know, this whole idea, you know, acting before we think. It's also acting quickly. It's also ignoring risks and consequences. And the fourth one is this concept of being unable to delay gratification. So, this idea about delaying gratification is that I can, I can put off getting something pleasant in terms of a feeling, not a physical thing, because I understand that I need to do this difficult bit first. When we talk about impulsivity, it's this notion of I need to gratify myself immediately, that that need to have my voice heard, that need to tell somebody something, that need to get up and move around, or that need to save myself from a discomfort, whether that, and that's often, and that's often not associated with a feeling. So, that helps probably frame for those of you that are listening, that notion of in which situations is my child potentially acting impulsively. And I think that's going to be useful for the next bit, which is this idea about which color zone is your child in, in a particular pattern of behaviors. So, it can be really helpful for us to acknowledge and to understand that children don't always act impulsively in all situations. Even if you have a child who's neurodiverse and has a diagnosis of ADHD, they won't act impulsively in every single situation, because we know that when we talk about children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, that it's not that they lack attention and focus, it's just that their attention and focus is inconsistent across different situations. So, there will be some situations where they are supremely laser focused. In fact, you couldn't possibly, you can't even interrupt them. They're so in the zone. And it will also be the same if we've got a child who's emotionally dysregulated often, or a child who's anxious or who lacks confidence. There will be some situations that they are absolutely good to go, and there are other situations that they aren't. So, the zones in terms of the color zones, it's helpful to think about this using a traffic light analogy, so that you can work out which situations push your child into the red and the amber zones, because they're the ones that we want to work on in particular. So, let me explain. A red zone, this is our stop zone. This is where feelings feel from the, you know, perceptively for your child and observationally for us. This is where the situations where our children's emotions feel out of control or dysregulated, as in the feeling and the response of the behavior in that situation feels out of kilter. It's not congruent. It's not fitting for that particular situation. And I think the easiest way to think of that sort of the red zones are that it's associated with high energy emotions. So, for those of you who are familiar with the zones of regulation, it's those sort of red ones. So, it's anger, it's fear, it's anxiety. And notice that these feelings are associated with survival. Yeah, it's this fight, flight, or free. So, if you're in any doubt, your red zone, is the zones where you think of the emotions that will be linked to, doesn't necessarily mean that it is actually a survival situation, but it's a situation where your child feels the emotions that are showing up, are feeling as though they would trigger a response around fight, flight, or freeze, which is, in essence, our sympathetic nervous system kicking into, oh my goodness me, there's a threat, and I now need to take care. So, that's the red zone. The amber zone is our caution zone. So, these is where the emotions are signaling some form of alert, and yet there is still control over feelings and thoughts. And again, these are big emotions, but they're less of the fight, flight, or freeze. So, these are much more around things like stress, frustration, annoyance, irritation, worry. Now, notice that I have placed worry, here, and anxiety in the red zone. Anxiety triggers a survival mechanism, as in this fight, flight, or freeze. It's all about the perception. Whereas general day-to-day ordinary worries, I'm a bit worried about X, Y, or Z, are ordinary every day in the same way as stress. They're discomfort. They're not pleasant to experience. However, they are situations that we are still capable of experiencing. And yet, still feeling that there's a sense of control. So, that's why they're in different zones. But just to avoid any confusion, when we start looking at the strategies, your focus initially really ought to be around the red zones, and then you're going to move into the amber. So, the red and the amber are the ones that we want to be working in. So, I don't think we need to get too particular about which goes where, if you're finding it difficult to work out, because those are the areas that we want to work on anyway. Our green zone is the areas that we want to work on. Our yellow zone is our good-to-go zone. This is where the emotions that your child experiences match the context or the situation that your child is in, and your child feels, and also demonstrates. So, to us on the outside, we can also see that they're demonstrating that element of control. And it's useful to do this particular exercise as a first, whether you call it an audit, or whether it helps you just get a general understanding of the situations and the contexts where your child is in those three zones. And the reason why that's helpful, and particularly also to being able to pick up on the green zone, and we'll talk about this in the strategies, is it helps you identify, A, obviously, first of all, the red zones, because those are the ones that we really want to focus on in terms of change. But it also helps us to be really super-tuned into the green zones, because the green zones are the areas where we might want to be heightened and alert to areas of reward and praise to our children, because those are the things that they're doing right anyway. And so, we can leverage those green zones in terms of the descriptive praise that we give our children, because that affirms that in those particular situations and contexts, they've got it nailed, because we can use that as a springboard in terms of the situations that they find a little bit more difficult. So, I'm going to share with you, six strategies, which will help you. And you can pick a mix. which ones you want to try first. There are three really tangible skills that we want to cultivate and teach our children. And then the other three are around just general habits that we want to put in place. But before we launch into those, here's a quick word from our sponsors.
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Speaker 2Acast. So we're back now and we're going to go into these six strategies. So the first strategy when it comes to helping our children move out of being impulsive or habitual behaviors that are not serving them, because in lots of ways, a habit, is something that we do automatically without thinking in particular situations. And if they're not helpful to us because our child is dysregulated, our child is struggling with anxiety or lack of confidence, then that is equally impulsive too. So number one is I want you to remember that the brain is a muscle. And this is not just for you to remember, but I also think it's really helpful to articulate to your children. It's that reminder, particularly when our children get frustrated when they're learning anything new. And the strategies I'm going to share with you are new things that they're going to be learning. So it's reminding them that the brain is a muscle like any other muscle in their body, and it becomes stronger and more efficient the more we practice it. And so the techniques that we're going to talk about can only be used effectively if they're well-practiced and rehearsed. What I would recommend is that we're going to use the techniques that we're going to use effectively if they're well-practiced and rehearsed. What I would recommend is that we're going to What I would recommend, which actually will be really helpful for this podcast episode, if you have not yet subscribed to the free resource library, head over to drmaryhand.com forward slash library. If you haven't obviously already registered, it will ask for an email address and then it will give you instant access to all of the resources that are in the podcast. And one of those that will be really helpful for this is a resource that literally, it's a sheet of paper and it gives you a three images of your brain. And it gives you a three images of your brain exercising with a pair of dumbbells. There's a red colour, there's an amber colour, and then there's a green colour. And that will map on really well to the zones. So we can have conversations with our children about which zone they're in, in the certain behaviours and why we're focusing in on some. But it will also help because it's a really lovely visual around this idea that the brain is a muscle. And that may well help your child understand that the rest of the repetition aspect of some of the techniques that we're going to cover. It's A4 size, so really great to pop on the fridge with what you annotate and what you write on it, which just helps you all stay on track and stay on board. So number one is this idea about the brain is a muscle. Number two is in terms of where you start, I would start with situations and or context and or decisions that have low stakes. In other words, what we want to do is we want to create this environment where our child experiences some success relatively quickly. Why? Why don't we just deal with the difficult stuff? Well, the reason why we want to do that is if we want to keep our children on board and helping them understand that it's a process, it's often really helpful for them to see a little bit of success straight away because it gets them on board. They can see that there's a tangible result from the difficult things we're asking them to do, which is why I would encourage you to focus on the amber and the green just initially. The red zones are where we want to make the impactful change. But if they can begin to see some, experience some success, if they hear reward and descriptive praise that really is super tangible and super related to the process, then it means we can then use that to springboard into the red zones, which we could do potentially, you could do within a few days, or it might be a little bit longer. It may take several weeks, depends on where your child is at. So the green zones we want to use as a way for them to practice some of these techniques, because those are situations that they're already good to go. They're not in that impulsivity situation. So it's easier to get them to do these strategies. And then the amber zone are ones where they have a semblance of control, but there's a bit of dysregulation there too. So that would be number two. So now I'm going to show you number one. So number one is a fun game and it's basically a snap card game. And it's a game that I created, oh God, 20 years ago. And when I first started working with young people, probably even earlier than that, that were struggling with their impulse control, use a normal pack of cards. And what you're doing is you're making a fun situation for your child to be able to just begin to take this one simple strategy of pause. That's all it is. So you take an ordinary pack of cards, get rid of the jokers. We don't want those. What you then do is you're going to spread out the cards in your hand, almost fan them out. And you ask your child to choose one card. So they select a card. Let's say it's the queen of hearts. So they select the card. They look at the card and they also show you the card. So what you want to do here as much as you can is reinforce, ah, so you've picked the queen of hearts. Yep. Okay. Brilliant. So the card that you're going to be looking for is the queen of hearts. So you're going to pick the queen of hearts. In a minute, I'm going to put it in and I'm going to shuffle it. It's the queen of hearts. Let's have a look at this queen of hearts to see what the distinguishing features are. What are the things that we need to notice? Because in a minute, I'm going to shuffle all of the cards and I'm going to show you one card at a time. And what you need to do is you need to look out for the queen of hearts. And when you see the queen of hearts, you want to put your hand down on the card and say, snap. So what you're then doing, because you've subtly then, affirmed and reiterated and reinforced that it's the queen of hearts. But obviously we're saying this verbally and our children are going to be doing the snap process visually. So we want to have a conversation with our children about how they're going to be able to recognize that card. So we might be saying things like, what color is it? Red. What's the shape? Now, obviously a heart is very straightforward, but we could have spades. We could have clubs as part of it. So what we want to do is help them. So it's red. It's got the picture of somebody. It's a woman and it's a face. So whatever it takes for your child to be able to recognize that, that's what we want to do. And then we're saying, right, okay, you ready? Do you know? Can you remember? Remind me. And then we're asking them to paraphrase back. What's the card we're looking for? I'm looking for the queen of hearts. What are the things about it that will help us recognize it when that card comes down? Well, it's red. It's a lady. It's got a face on it. It has got a heart shape. Anything else that your child, that you have both sort of talked about as recognizing that that's the way to be able to identify that card. So you ask your child to place it back in the pack. You shuffle it. And now what you do is you place in front of your child, a card one by one. Now I would recommend when you start this, that you do this at a reasonably slow pace that allows your child the opportunity to notice it, but not too slow that your child is now absolutely bored and is disengaging. So you want to do it at that level. Now, if you're listening to this and you're thinking, Mary-Anne, there is absolutely no way I'm going to get my child to do this. They are just too impulsive. They're not going to pay attention. Then what you will want to do instead is reverse it. So start with you picking a card, talking through exactly the same strategies that I'm talking about. And then you start with you picking a card, talking about the same mechanisms about how you're going to remember it. Because don't forget whether you're the one that's having to look out for the card and play snap or your child, you want them to be engaged in noticing when that card comes as well. So if you think that it's going to be challenging initially, do it the other way. And then of course your child is then in control of the pace with which the cards are turned over. And you're then focusing in on putting your hand down and saying snap when you see the queen of hearts. And that game is going to be a little bit more of a challenge. But it's going to be a little bit more of a challenge. So if you think that it's going to be a little bit more of a challenge, then you're going to be in control of the pace. So if let's say your child is loving the game and trust me, you're going to be in control of the me I have done this hundreds if not thousands of times with children who struggle to manage their impulse control and who are stuck in habitual patterns of unhelpful behaviors. They love it. They are asking to do more of it and they're super engaged in it. So what you can then do is you can move from one card to then putting two cards to three cards. You'll hit a point at which it becomes difficult for your child not because of impulse control but simply memory in terms of being able to remember. So just play around with that. The other alternative that you can do if you've got really young children is instead of going through 52 cards is that you might split the pack. You don't need to split it in any sort of methodical way but just simply say right you know I'm just going to take 20 cards. Take the top 20. Ask your child to pull a card and do it that way. Adapt and modify. for the age and stage that your child is in in terms of their attention span. This absolutely 100% works. It just simply it's about modifying it to your child. So the good thing about this is that you are already getting them to learn an element of impulse control but through a fun way and if you start with the snap game you can use that then to explain how the certain patterns of behavior are in the race. You can then use that to explain how the certain patterns of behavior are in the race. the red and the amber and the green zone because you've got a tangible thing that they've done rather than this sort of ethereal oh you know you don't manage your impulse control particularly well when you answer back. And a child sort of like but I'm just telling you what I think. Whereas when you've played the snap game it can be really you can really articulate that you found it really difficult to not keep putting your hand down at cards that weren't actually the right card. So we're going to work on helping you slow down before. You then put your hand down to press snap and then you can always return to this game after they've practiced some of these strategies and notice the difference. So that strategy super practical super fun your child will be super engaged number one. The next two are much more intentional they are you know labor intensive and your child is going to need to practice quite a lot. So the next strategy is the 5-4-3-2-1 method and you are possibly familiar with this method for. Helping children who may be overwhelmed in a particular situation massively dysregulated or hugely anxious. However it is also super helpful for children who struggle to manage their impulses. So 5-4-3-2-1 is simply used as numbers of things that we encourage our child to stop and be present in a particular situation. So I'm going to read to you the way that I've structured the 5-4-3-2-1. Feel free to play around with it. If 5-4-3-2-1 is too much for your child then you simply do 3-2-1 or 4-3-2-1 and then you mix things around. But in essence what you're asking your child to do is stop, pause, notice five things in the environment that I'm currently in in the situation I'm currently in that I can see. Four things they can feel, three things they can hear, two things they can smell, one thing that they can taste. So you can play with this in lots of different ways. You could instead of them being sensory they can be around colour or things in their environment that begin with certain letters. So this is not I'm giving you my structure but you can play around with it in any shape or form that you want to. The key objective to any of these methods is it's about getting your child to anchor themselves in the present. Where am I? What am I observing about my environment? So rather than allowing my emotions to sabotage me and take over control, I'm taking back and simply, it's like watching a film, they're pressing pause, centring in where they are and then restarting. So that can be a really useful one. It will take time. Remember the brain is a muscle, the more we exercise it the stronger it becomes. So my recommendation particularly with these sorts of more intentional methods, is that you do those at moments where your child is in the green zone. Because when they're in the green zone, their emotions are contextualised appropriately to the environment and the situation that they're in. So they have that opportunity to take that pause. And we can do it in fun ways, you can do it in the car, on a journey, but just do it at times where everyone is in a good place and you can do it potentially even as a big family thing. So it doesn't become individualised or targeted specifically at a child that is currently struggling with impulse control or managing big emotions. Because it's a great skill for everybody. It's a great skill for us as parents in terms of responding to our child, particularly when we found ourselves triggered or we're overwhelmed and we're juggling multiple things. And we get ourselves into autopilot or habitual, that impulse to kind of go, no, or that you can't do that, or why won't you listen? And that's helpful for us to break out of that habit as well. So we want to be practising it at times where we're in green zones and it's a fun, let's just all do this together. And again, reiterate this idea that the brain is a muscle. So that's strategy number two. Strategy number three is taken pretty much from the sort of the traditions of mindfulness and it's called STOP. And this is very specific in terms of its acronym, the S-T-O-P. And the idea about this is that it's a very specific acronym. So it's a very specific acronym. So it's a very behind it is we want to interrupt, we want to disrupt and almost circuit break the habitual reactive responses that happen either because we've got a child who struggles to manage their impulses. So it's that attention deficit hyperactivity basis, all those habitual things that we get into that we want to disrupt because we've just got into these, these unhelpful habits and patterns. Now, each step of the S-T-O-P is a very specific acronym. So is designed to interrupt the unhelpful responses and try and build more self-awareness, more thoughtfulness so that we can be more intentional and our children can be more intentional in the decisions that they make in those particular situations. Again, the brain is a muscle, the more we exercise it, the stronger it becomes. So this is something that we want to practice in situations that are of low intensity emotions, rather than those high red zone emotions. So S is for stop. So we're literally stop, we're taking a pause. T is take a breath. And we want this to be a deliberate and intentional deep inhale and a long, slow exhale. That's all we're asking. We're not asking them to embark on huge amounts of breathing exercises, but just simply stop. We're pausing. We're taking a breath. O is about observing and what we want our children to do. And I would really encourage you as you're going to be doing this as a pattern of practice is for them to say this out loud, is for them to observe, what am I feeling right now? It's also about what's going on in their environment and to do both of those things without any judgment. So it's this idea of observing, I'm feeling angry and I'm angry with my. Sister, we're in the playroom and she's being really annoying. Yeah, there's no judgment. There's no judgment. You mustn't be annoyed with your sister. In fact, actually, I think you're the one that's being unkind. They're simply observing. And by saying it out loud initially, for as long as it takes until the strategy becomes super effective, what we do when we take them out of our head and put them out there is that that whole process tends to dumb down and dial down the intensity. It's this whole sort of, we name it to tame it by naming and verbalizing within me as a child, my emotions, I'm already beginning to dial it down. So S is for stop. We want to take that pause. T is for taking that breath. O is for observing our emotions and the environment. P is about proceeding with, with caution, proceeding mindfully, proceeding with intention. Whatever word you want to add after proceed that works for your child. Mindfully probably doesn't necessarily work for all children and certainly not younger children or children at a younger age and stage, but proceeding with caution might do. Proceeding with care might do. It's finding the word, but in essence, what we're doing is we're doing it intentionally in their decision. Not make that decision from a place of blind autopilot, but instead from intentional, making a conscious decision about what they're going to do and what they're going to say, how they're going to behave in that particular situation. So what, remember it's stop, take a pause. T, take a breath. O, observe and verbalize emotions and the environment. T, take a breath. And be non-judgmental in terms of your child and also us being non-judgmental in that as well. And then P is for observing our emotions and the environment. is about proceeding with care, proceeding with intention, proceeding mindfully. Whatever that might be is we're making that conscious decision. And number six, as you would expect, is about modelling. Children are much more likely to do what they see than what we say. So how do we model impulse control? How do we model breaking habitual autopilot cycles? How might we take on these three strategies, the snap game, the 5-4-3-2-1, the stop, and how might we model that for our children? Because what we model teaches our children what we value and what we want to see more of in them, far more than our lecturing, our teaching will ever do, because it's embedded in how we go about our daily lives. And our children see that and are therefore much more likely to model. So remember, we've got the brain as a muscle. Start with the situations that have the lowest stakes. I think it's that whole notion of the lowest hanging fruit. The snap game and modify that in any shape or form that you want to do that. The 5-4-3-2-1, adapt it, modify it in any way which works for your child's age and stage. The stop method, and then getting really super intentional with our modelling. Remember that for this particular podcast episode, and the strategies that I've talked about, you can use the brain muscle resource that is already in the free resource library. The free resource library is packed with resources. And while some of them are attached to very specific podcast episodes, because they give you a specific checklist, there are a whole host of other resources that are strategy-based and can be used across multiple situations for our children. And so do go in, have a rummage around, have a look, explore, because I'm almost 99.9% positive that you will find something that is free, that is downloadable, that you can use immediately, that will be helpful for you and your family. Now, as ever, if you have enjoyed this episode, I would be so grateful if you could just pause and take a moment to rate and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time. Thank you for listening to this podcast. If you have any questions or other issues, please post them in the comments.
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