How to Stop Feeling Guilty And Let Go Of Past Mistakes

this episode is brought to you by indeed i know how important every hire is for a business if you need to make the right hire this is a job for sponsored jobs indeed sponsored jobs helps find quality candidates when you need the most you can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for like skills certifications or location in fact people are finding quality hires on indeed right now in the minute i've been talking to you companies like yours made 27 hires on indeed according to indeed data worldwide spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com forward slash podcast that's indeed.com forward slash podcast terms and conditions apply need to hire this is a job for indeed sponsored jobs this episode is brought to you by chase sapphire reserve one of the most important jobs in the world is the job of a freelancer one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is the chance to step outside of our routine travel is a way of slowing us down and shifting our perspective and with the chase sapphire reserve card every journey becomes even more rewarding earn four times the points on flights and hotels book direct enjoy access to award-winning airport lounges three times the points on dining and reserve exclusive tables learn more at chase.com forward slash sapphire odds issued by jp morgan chase bank na member fdic subject to credit approval terms apply hey it's jay i don't know what your day's been like but i was just thinking about you for a minute and i hope you're being a little patient with yourself because you deserve it and yeah i'll talk to you soon if you're listening to this episode i can guarantee with 100 certainty that at some point in your life you have made a mistake you're human it happens now let's say you hurt someone's feelings you've apologized you've explained what happened you've listened to why it hurt and you've said you wish you could take it back maybe the other person has even told you they forgive you but now you're still lying in bed replaying the conversation and you're saying you wish you could take it back reaching for your phone and wondering whether you should send one more apology message or maybe you haven't apologized yet every time you try you become so overwhelmed by what this mistake says about you that you can't work out what to do about it you practice explanations in your head you imagine the worst possible response you search for the exact words that might make the whole thing disappear and while you're spending hours feeling terrible the person you hurt may still be waiting for you to acknowledge what happened you feel responsible but you're so stuck in that feeling that you can't take responsibility yet today i want to talk to you about guilt shame and what happens after you do something you really regret maybe you shared some news that wasn't yours to share maybe you spoke harshly to someone you love or let somebody down when they were counting on you it may have happened yesterday or it may be an old memory that still finds a way to interrupt a perfectly normal day and i want to be clear about what we're trying to do here because i don't want to give you a list of ways to convince yourself that what happened was fine maybe it wasn't fine maybe you do owe somebody an apology or you need to change something about the way you behave but there is a difference between taking responsibility and keeping yourself in pain only one of those can change what happens next and that's what true accountability requires so here's the question i kept coming back to while thinking about this episode how much longer do you believe you need to feel bad for a mistake before you're allowed to do better is there a number of sleepless nights that would make you sufficiently sorry a certain number of times you need to replay it before you've proved you understand most of us have never decided what that punishment is supposed to accomplish or when it would be complete we just keep extending it because feeling better seems wrong today i'm going to walk you through four ways to get out of this headspace and actually move forward in a way that's healthier first we're going to separate what you did from everything you've decided it means about you then we'll talk about what a useful repair actually looks like why another person can't give you permanent certainty that everything is okay and how to return to your life before all the regret goes away and i want to say this before we begin if guilt or repetitive thoughts are interfering with your sleep work or relationships please consider reaching out to someone for professional support you're allowed to need help with the spiral even if you cause the mistake at the center of it the first thing i want to hit on is that after a mistake it's important to separate what you actually did from what you've decided it means about you listen to the difference between i shared something that wasn't mine to share and i'm a terrible friend those sentences may feel equally honest when you're upset but psychologically they take you in very different directions researchers who study moral emotions have spent decades looking at the difference between guilt and shame there's a big difference between guilt and shame guilt usually stays connected to a behavior i did something i regret shame expands from the behavior into the entire self i did this because i'm a terrible person and what researchers have repeatedly found is that guilt is much more likely to lead people toward apology repair and change behavior shame is more likely to make people want to hide withdraw become defensive or sometimes turn their anger outward that surprised me when i first learned it because shame can feel like the more responsible response calling yourself a horrible person feels harsher than saying you handled something badly so you assume it must prove that you care more but the harshest sentence is often the one that makes real responsibility harder if you shared something private you can acknowledge it apologize and become more careful next time what are you supposed to do with i'm a terrible person it sounds serious but it is so broad that there's nothing inside it you can actually fix instagram teen accounts come with automatic protections that limit who can contact teens the content they can see and the time they spend on the app learn more about teen accounts and instagram's ongoing work to protect teens online at instagram.com forward slash teen accounts imagine you made a joke about a friend at dinner and later they told you embarrassed them you may need to acknowledge that you made something personal into entertainment you may need to stop making that kind of joke and be more careful about what you share those are specific responsibilities everyone at that table now knows i'm secretly a horrible person adds a conclusion you can't verify and it doesn't make your apology more useful usually the memory contains three different things what you did what you know about the impact and everything your mind has added since you know your friends said they were embarrassed you don't know what every person at the table thinks about you now you don't know that the friendship is permanently damaged or that everyone is discussing it without you take seriously what you actually know be careful about turning every fear into a reality and be careful about what you don't know about what you don't know about into another fact you have to answer for try describing what happened in one or two sentences as though you were explaining an event instead of delivering a verdict on a person for example i interrupted my colleague twice during their presentation and they told me they felt undermined that gives you something to work with i've ruined everything doesn't do that and you don't have to keep reconstructing the scene until you finally feel certain about what it means name what needs your attention then move toward it accuracy works in both directions maybe you cancelled a plan because you were genuinely unwell and now you feel awful because the other person was disappointed their disappointment is real it still doesn't prove you made the wrong decision on the other hand if you broke a commitment and never communicated there may be something to repair the strength of the guilty feeling cannot decide that for you you still have to look honestly at what happened this always happens when you're in a situation where you're not sure what's going on it also matters more when you've repeated the behavior maybe you've been late often enough that i was late once would minimize what's happening then the accurate description is i've repeatedly left people waiting and i need to change how i plan and communicate you can acknowledge a pattern without deciding it is permanent in fact a pattern gives you information about where a different system boundary or kind of support may be needed and i know some people are listening and thinking but saying i handled it badly feels too easy calling myself a horrible person proves i understand how serious it was i get that instinct but stay with the question for a moment what does the insult actually add does it reveal a consequence you missed does it help you apologize or listen does it make you less likely to repeat the behavior or does it simply make you feel smaller you can tell the truth about what you did without adding a label you have to call yourself forever. So start by keeping the problem clear enough to work on. You might say, I acted defensively when someone gave me feedback and I want to go back and listen. That sentence leaves room for the person you affected, the choice you made, and the choice available now. You haven't excused anything by allowing resolution to exist. You've just given yourself a better way to respond. Your response to a mistake you made is key to recovering a relationship and it helps to think about the situation as objectively as possible. Imagine someone you love comes to you and says, I really messed up. What do I do? You might tell them to apologize, listen, and make a change. You wouldn't have to pretend it was fine, but you probably wouldn't spend the next hour telling them they're worthless either. We often speak to ourselves in a way we would immediately recognize as toxic if it came from anyone else. There's a practical exercise here that may feel a little unusual. Try using your own name when you think through your next step. For example, I might say, Jay, you wish you'd handled that differently. What needs your attention now? Using your name is simply a way to try taking a little perspective. It gives you a chance to answer the situation from an outside view rather than only react to the feeling. The psychologist Ethan Cross and his colleagues have studied this. They found that when people use their own names while thinking through stressful situations, that tiny change helped them create some psychological distance. I love how simple that is. You're not trying to force the emotion away. You're just changing one word. Saying, Jay, what needs your attention right now? Can give me a very different answer than staying inside the endless loop of how could I have made this mistake? And give yourself a chance to answer as if you're giving another person advice. This helps you be more objective about the best next step. Maybe you need to make a call, correct something you said, wait until the other person is ready to speak. Or maybe you realize you're exhausted and asking yourself a question you've already answered 10 times. The goal is to find direction, not to keep repeating the exercise, hoping every uncomfortable feeling disappears. Now, usually this is where somebody says, if I'm kind to myself, why don't I just let myself off the hook? That fear makes sense. A lot of us have relied on self-criticism for so long that we think it is the part of us enforcing our moral standards. If I stop attacking myself, who will make sure I will never do this again? But research by Juliana Brines and Serena Chen found the opposite of what many people expect. In their experiments, people who responded to a mistake with self-compassion reported greater motivation to make amends and avoid repeating it. They didn't become less responsible, they become more interested in improving. Think about what happens when you're certain that admitting a mistake will lead to you losing control. Humiliation. You may start defending your intention before the other person has finished describing the impact. You may explain how stressed you were, bring up their mistakes, or avoid the conversation entirely. A less hostile relationship with yourself can make it easier to hear something uncomfortable without having to escape it immediately. Self-compassion gives you the patience to reach the point of truly understanding why someone is hurt by your actions. You also don't need to list every kind of mistake you've made. You don't need to list every kind of mistake you've made. You don't need to list every kind of mistake while acknowledging that someone else received your frustration. The context can help you notice earlier warning signs and make a better plan. But remember, it doesn't obligate the other person to accept the impact. Understanding yourself should give you more options for behaving differently. So next time the harsh inner voice starts, experiment with a response that sounds like you. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We spend so much energy becoming the best version of ourselves. We spend building better habits, showing up more fully, embracing mindfulness. But sometimes the most purposeful thing you can do is just handle the thing you've been putting off. If getting your insurance sorted has been living on that list, State Farm is there to help you choose the coverage that's right for you. Go online at statefarm.com or use the easily accessible app to get help from one of their over 19,000 local agents. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. This episode is brought to you by Walden University. We're here to help you. Balancing work, life, and big goals isn't easy. 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Stay out there. Useful guidance. You've already apologized. Now follow through on the change. You don't have to convince yourself that you handled everything beautifully. You're trying to become level-headed enough to do the next responsible thing. The second thing I want to talk about is the second thing I want to talk about. The second thing I want to talk about is the second thing I want to talk about is how to make the repair that is actually yours to make. This is where I often see guilt being misleading. You feel terrible, so you become focused on communicating just how terrible you feel. You write a long message about how little you've slept, how unlike you this was, and how you can't stop crying. All of that may be true, but before you send it, ask yourself, is this helping them feel understood or am I asking them to take care of how bad I feel now? There's a study on apologies that I find so useful here. Across two experiments involving 755 people, researchers Roy Lewicki, Beth Polin, and Robert Launt tested six different elements that can appear in an apology. The most important overall? Simply acknowledging responsibility. The next most important was offering to repair the damage. And do you know what came last? Asking for forgiveness. That doesn't mean forgiveness doesn't matter. It means the part you may want most urgently, for example, please tell me we're okay, isn't necessarily the part that makes the apology meaningful to the other person. They're listening for whether you understand what you did and whether you're prepared to address it. That shifts the focus of the apology away from getting the response you want and back toward what they experienced. When you beckon your apology with I've been crying all day I'm such an awful person. I don't know how you'll ever look at me again. You may be describing exactly how you feel, but look at what the other person now has to do. They may end up comforting you before even having had the time to explain why they were hurt. Your feelings need somewhere to go. Just be careful about handing all of them to the person who is still dealing with the impact of what you did to them. If you're not careful, an apology can become another burden for the other person. If you can minimize what happened because they still care about your feelings, the emotional work has moved straight back onto them. A useful apology makes room for their emotional experience without asking them to take on your emotional labor. Of course, you may hope for forgiveness. You may desperately want the relationship to feel normal again. You may want them to say they understand or say that they've done similar things or say that it wasn't a big deal. But those responses belong to them. Your part is to offer genuine forgiveness. If you're asking for forgiveness, you're asking for forgiveness. You're asking for forgiveness. If you're asking for And this is the part people often get wrong. Sometimes the big gesture is easier than the small change. It's easier to send a huge floral bouquet than to start arriving on time. It's easier to write a five-page apology than to stop sharing private details when you want a funny story to tell. The big, grand apology happens once, but real change asks something of you again and again. It's not always instantly satisfying and it doesn't always make you feel better in the moment, but real repair takes time. takes time and often happens later. The words of course matter when you apologize and what you do in the days, weeks and months to come matters too. This is where I want you to ask, what would taking responsibility look like if nobody could see how guilty you felt? Maybe it would look like giving accurate credit in the next meeting. Maybe it would mean telling someone you can't make a commitment before they depend on you. Maybe it would mean getting support for a pattern you keep promising to change. There may be no immediate reassurance attached to those actions but they still matter. There are also circumstances where reaching out is unwelcome or inappropriate. If someone has asked for no contact, your desire to apologize does not cancel that boundary. Repair may involve respecting the distance, following through on obligations through appropriate channels and changing behavior without an audience. Some consequences will remain even after sincere effort. You can acknowledge that reality but you can't change it. You can't change it. You can't change it. There is no value in becoming more responsible now. Pause before always instantly reaching out. Ask whether hearing from you would help this person or mainly relieve you. Maybe an apology would mean a lot. Or maybe it would reopen something they've worked hard to move past. Once you've identified the correct response, if you are communicating with the person you've hurt, let your apology be concrete enough to follow through on. "I'll be a better person" is difficult to act on as a response to the person you've hurt. I'll be a better person is difficult to act on as a response to the person you've hurt. If you say, "I'll tell you when I'm running late rather than leaving you to chase me," that's a behavior you can practice. Acknowledge what happened, address what you reasonably can and keep making the agreed change. This episode is brought to you by Chase Sapphire Reserve. One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is the chance to step outside our routine. Travel as a way of slowing us down and shifting our perspective, and with the Chase Sapphire Reserve card, every journey becomes even more rewarding. Earn four times the points on flights and hotels booked direct, enjoy access to award-winning airport lounges, three times the points on dining, and reserve exclusive tables. Learn more at chase.com/sapphirereserve. Cards issued by JPMorgan Chase Bank, NA member, FDIC, subject to credit approval, terms apply. The next challenge is allowing the other person to decide what they feel about that, which leads me to the third thing we need to address. The third idea is to let the other person have their response, and honestly, this may be the hardest part. You can give a sincere apology and receive a two-word reply. You can make a change and realize that trust is taking much longer to return than you hoped. You can do everything available to you and still have no control over when or if the relationship feels normal again. When that uncertainty feels unbearable, it s tempting to keep checking, are we okay? Then that becomes, are you sure we re okay? Then you notice that their message doesn t have its usual warmth, and you want to ask again. Each answer helps for a moment, but soon there s a new detail to interpret. You begin looking for a response so perfect that you ll never doubt it. Reassurance-seeking can become a cycle. You ask the question and feel better, but only for a moment. So what I want you to notice is whether the conversation is actually giving you new information. Are you responding to something new that happened, or are you asking the same question again because the last answer no longer feels satisfying? You may recognize a version of this even when the other person has clearly accepted your apology. Your mind asks whether they only said it to be polite. Then it asks whether they ve changed their mind since yesterday. You may want to go back with a slightly different question, hoping that this answer will finally settle it. But another person cannot give you permanent access to their feelings, and asking them to do so can keep both of you returning to the incident. Before you re-open the conversation, ask, has anything new actually happened? Maybe they told you about an impact you hadn t understood, or there s still something new that you need to change. You can re-open the conversation and ask, has anything new actually happened? Or is there still something practical to resolve? Go ahead and address that. But if nothing has changed except that the uncomfortable feeling returned, another message may only restart the cycle. You can get support from a different trusted friend without asking the person you hurt to answer the same question again. And sometimes the other person really is still upset. They may need time. They may want a change you hadn t considered. They may decide the relationship needs different boundaries. Respecting their feelings and punishing yourself are not the same action. Their healing may be on a different timeline than your self-forgiveness should be. There s also the chance that they genuinely forgive you, but you don t feel forgiven. Maybe dinner together feels a little awkward at first. You don t have to interpret that awkwardness as proof that the apology failed. Let there be room for an ordinary conversation and new experiences beyond what happened, even if there are a few growing pains along the way. What is the most important thing for you to do when you re-open the conversation? What is the most important thing way. Which takes me to the fourth and final idea I'd like to hit on. You can move forward while some regret is still present. I think there is a moment many people are waiting for without realizing it. Once the guilt disappears, once the relationship feels completely normal, once the memory stops hurting, then I'll know I'm allowed to move on. But what if the feeling of permission doesn't arrive all at once? What if your actions change before your emotions do? You may have apologized, made the repair, and still feel a knot in your stomach when you remember. That feeling doesn't automatically mean there is another action you've missed. Sometimes it just means you still regret what happened, and that's fine. Your day-to-day life can't be on hold forever. Even amidst feelings of regret, you need to make lunch, finish the email you owe, walk the dog, or listen to your partner tell you about their afternoon. The painful memory might show up while you're doing those things. You can do that. You can notice it without letting it take over. You don't need to achieve a particular emotional state before making a useful choice about where you're putting your attention. One practical thing you can do is write down the repair you have already made and the next change you intend to make. Keep it very simple. I apologized, I corrected what I said, the next time I'm frustrated I'm going to wait before I respond. Then when the memory returns, you don't have to work through the entire situation again to prove you remember it. You can look at what you wrote and ask whether anything has actually changed. If there is a new action to take, take it. If there isn't, you already know what you're committed to doing differently. Then choose one activity that asks for your full attention for the next 10 or 15 minutes. Cook something that requires you to follow a few steps, go for a walk and call someone who has nothing to do with the situation. Finish one task at work, sit down and watch a show without checking the message again. The aim isn't to distract yourself until you never think about it. You can look at what you wrote and ask whether anything has the mistake. You're practicing letting another part of your life matter at the same time. At first, the memory may interrupt you every 30 seconds, but you make the active choice to return to the recipe, work or conversation in front of you each time. And if there's an ongoing repair, give it a place in your calendar. Maybe you need to check in with your colleague on Friday, repay someone at the end of the month, or have another conversation once emotions have settled. Decide when that will happen. Otherwise, you can say, every hour wondering whether now is the moment you should do more. Knowing that you have a real plan allows you to be present in the time between those actions. Finally, do something small that reflects the person you're trying to be now. Keep a promise you made. Listen carefully when somebody is speaking. Protect a secret someone shares with you. It does not erase the earlier mistake and it isn't meant to. It gives all that regret somewhere useful to go. Over time, you learn that you can carry the memory without letting it make every decision for you. Moving forward is necessary, but I also know that trying to live during the guilt can become even more difficult once you do start to move on. You laugh at something, then remember what you did wrong, and immediately think, how can I be happy when I hurt someone? But what would you losing that moment of happiness change for them? Laughing at something doesn't mean you stopped caring. There may still be consequences to face and promises to keep, and enjoying a moment doesn't cancel these out. This is where I want to challenge an assumption that sits underneath so much rumination. The idea that continuing to feel terrible is how you keep proving the apology was sincere. You can regret a bad choice without returning to the emotional intensity of the moment you first realized. As life continues, there will be other people who need your attention and other opportunities to practice care. Allow yourself to be present for those moments. If you're not, then you're not. It may help to notice what the replay is doing. Sometimes reflecting on an event reveals something important, a consequence you overlooked, or a practical change you want to make. At other times, you're reviewing the same details and arriving at the same painful conclusion. Sometimes it helps to ask out loud whether there is a new action available, and if there isn't, then allow yourself to return to what you were doing. And sometimes there is something you cannot repair. As I said in the beginning, we're human, we make mistakes. And these things do happen in life. A relationship may change. An opportunity may be gone. Someone may never give you the reassurance you're hoping for. The 7-Day Challenge is brought to you by Ultra Running. Creating space can change everything. Space to think more clearly, move with intention, and focus on what truly matters. Ultra Running shoes are designed with the Ultra Fit, giving your feet the room they need. to move naturally, comfortably, and with strength over time. Now, here's this week's seven-day challenge. For the next seven days, I want you to take the long way. We spend so much of our lives trying to find the fastest route, the shortcut, the most efficient way to get from where we are to where we need to be. But this week, once a day, I want you to deliberately choose a different path. Walk the longer route to get your coffee. Take a different street home. Explore a trail you've never taken. Walk somewhere you would normally drive. Or give yourself an extra 15 minutes outside without needing to get anywhere at all. The point isn't how far you go. The point is to interrupt the instinct to always choose what's fastest and most familiar. Because when we already know exactly where we're going, our brain doesn't have to pay as much attention. But the moment we step outside of our normal routine, we have to look up. We notice where we are. We make new decisions. We become curious about what's around the next door. And I want you to notice what happens in that extra space. Maybe you have an idea you wouldn't have had sitting at your desk. Maybe you notice something you've walked past a hundred times. Maybe you have a conversation you wouldn't have had. Or maybe you simply give your mind a few minutes where it doesn't have to rush toward the next thing. At the end of the seven days, ask yourself, what did I find when I stopped trying to get there as quickly as possible? For seven days, take the long way and see where it takes you. That's your challenge this week. The seven-day challenge was brought to you by Ultra Running. Ultra Fit Design gives your feet the room they need to move naturally for comfort, balance, and real strength, so you can spend less time standing still and more time getting outside. Whether you're running, walking, hiking, or simply exploring, Ultra is designed to move with you. Visit ultrarunning.com forward slash on purpose and use the code PURPOSE10 for 10% off. Stay out there. I wish there was always a perfect apology in the comments section of this video. I'll see you in the next one. could return everything to the way it was, but there isn't. You may have to grieve what changed as part of the shame release. These four ideas are there to help you get out of the spiral when a shameful memory keeps you ruminating. Have you accurately named what happened? Is there a repair you still need to make? Are you trying to get another person to remove all your uncertainty? Or is the work now to return to your day with some regret still beside you? You don't have to restart the entire process every time you remember, you did something wrong. The steps you take to move forward are actually key to proving you truly care. You may never like the memory of what happened. You may always wish you had chosen differently, but that wish can become part of how you behave now. It can remind you to be careful with someone's trust, more honest when you're struggling, or quicker to own your part. Today still contains choices that deserve your attention, so don't let one mistake turn into another. Try asking a different question the next time you feel shame, or the next time you feel shame. For example, what would be the most responsible and caring thing to do next? And remember, just the fact that you care so much is proof you're not a bad person. You're human, you're going to make mistakes, but know that you can come back to this episode the next time that happens and find real ways to move forward. Thank you for watching. I'm always rooting for you, and forever. Coca-Cola. For the big. For the small. The short. And the tall. Peacemakers. Risk-takers. For the optimists. Pessimists. For long-distance love. For introverts and extroverts. 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