How to set boundaries when you’re anxious

[MUSIC PLAYING] Welcome back to Savvy Psychologist. I'm your interim host, Dr. Ellen Hendrickson. For the next few weeks, I'll help you face life's challenges with evidence-based approaches, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment. Boundaries, like wide leg sweatpants and quarter zips, are trending. But for those of us wired to be a little anxious, setting a boundary with a demanding friend, inappropriate stranger, or clueless partner, can feel as hard to pull off as wearing one-piece animal pajamas to the office. But I'm getting ahead of myself. First, what is a boundary? Ingeography, a boundary marks the limits of an area. It's the same idea for relationships. Boundaries describe your limits in each relationship. Your limits include what you can take on successfully, what you can give wholeheartedly, or what you can do, without violating your personal integrity. Boundaries are about your own willingness. And importantly, they don't try to control or threaten others. I like to think about boundaries as personal policies. Much like a business might have a policy in place to protect the business, like all sales final after 30 days. Or we do not provide customer support through social media DMs. Why can it be hard for those of us on the anxious side to set boundaries? A study in frontiers in human neuroscience found that people who rarely disagree show increased activity in brain areas linked to cognitive dissonance when they do speak up, suggesting that disagreement can feel neurologically stressful for them. In other words, those with less inclination to disagree experienced a heightened state of mental distress and discomfort when it came time to do just that. If you're wired to be socially anxious, a people pleaser, a peacekeeper, or anything of the sort, setting boundaries can feel wildly stressful and burdensome. It feels somewhere between annoying and criminal. If you're not in an agreement, put on your giraffe onesie and buckle up. Here are three ways to navigate anxiety and set effective boundaries. Number one, boundaries don't have to be brusque or rude. You can set boundaries and be kind. Many of us with some anxiety were raised to be appropriate, polite, or nice. So when we imagine boundary setting has to be delivered with a give-no-f-scowl or a 90s-era talk to the hand palm, it gives all of us who are raised to be polite a bad case of the HEBGB. Thankfully, boundaries are an eye statement. An eye statement boundary allows you to communicate your limits without blaming, attacking, or shutting someone down. All things were loath to do. When we set boundaries with an eye statement, they become not only more polite, but also more effective. I'm just not a hugger, my friend. I'm generally an open book, but for whatever reason, I don't talk about finances. Oh, man, I wouldn't be able to give that favor to the energy it deserves, so I've got to say no. Let's also talk about what boundaries are not. Boundaries are neither threats nor ultimatums. Boundaries do not demand compliance. For example, a command like, "You can't speak to me that way." Might be recast as a boundary. Like, "I won't stay in conversations where I'm harshly criticized. I'll call you later when we can talk calmly." That's a good makeover. It's an eye statement, and it focuses on what the speaker will do. However, even though it's technically a boundary, depending on the tone, it can still come off as a threat. This is key. Don't dress the wolf of a threat in the sheep's clothing of a boundary. A better option is assuming you value your relationship with the person you're setting the boundary with, choose wording that connects the two of you and protects the relationship. For example, I really want to work things through. I don't do well in conversations where I feel harshly criticized. I tend to shut down. So, I'll come back when we can talk more calmly. Another example, "You can't keep calling me at work. Can be made a boundary by rephrasing it as, I'm unavailable for personal calls at work." Which in turn can be upgraded to, "I like connecting with you. I am unavailable for personal calls at work, though. So, I'll call you when I'm done with my shift." Number two, you can care about how someone feels without changing your boundary. The anxious among us can be reluctant to set boundaries because we're worried about others' reactions. We fear they'll get angry, judge us, or criticize us. These fears are 100% understandable, and it's good to care about how our words and actions make other people feel. It even makes evolutionary sense. Individuals who get along with the tribe have a better chance of survival than those mired in conflict and discord. Thankfully, when you set a boundary, the most common response is understanding, followed by a pivot. Most people are scrappy and will figure out another option rather than getting mad at you. That said, sometimes people do get upset. However, people who get angry or punish us for setting a boundary are usually the ones benefiting from our reluctance to set them. If they respond with anger, it's not necessarily because of the boundary per se, but because we're no longer bending to their rules and needs. If someone does get mad, that's important data. Rather than capitulating to them, make some metaphorical room for their disapproval. Give them space to react without rushing in to repair. How to do that? Use the broken record technique from dialectical behavior therapy. State your boundary respectfully. I can't take this on right now. I want to help when I realistically can. And if you get pushback, just validate them and then state it again. Don't justify or explain because that offers new inroads for pushback. Yes, I hear that it's important. I just can't take it on right now. Rinse and repeat. Once they start taking your boundary seriously, most people move on. Focus on staying kind, regulated, and steady in your boundary. Your goal is not to manage their emotions. It's to manage yours. And number three, don't use boundaries to unnecessarily keep people at a distance. Let's change gears. Classically, folks with anxiety are reluctant to set boundaries, but sometimes it's the opposite. Sometimes we'll use boundaries to keep people at a distance. Anxiety tells us to draw a wide circle of limits around ourselves to stay socially and emotionally safe, but then we end up lonely or isolated. For example, anxiety justifies turning down a branch invitation because we should really have some me time even though connecting with our friends matters to us. Anxiety tells us to skip the family gathering because it will be stressful, even though there are some people there we'd like to catch up with. Anxiety tells us not to help our colleague because we should stay in our lane. Therefore, ask yourself, if you were being the person you wanna be, if you were doing what's meaningful and important to you, what would you be doing? Notice I didn't say to minimize anxiety, what would you be doing? In short, let your values decide what you do, not your anxiety. Allow some anxiety in the name of living the life you wanna live. To sum it all up, boundaries, like your favorite wide leg sweatpants, or even those skinny jeans you just can't give up, work best when they fit you and your natural personality. If you're wired to be a little bit anxious, you can still set boundaries kindly, stick to them with care and let your values not anxiety or others reactions decide how you live your life. If you liked this episode, you'll love my sub-stack newsletter, how to be good to yourself when you're hard on yourself. There, you'll find lots of resources, plus a kind supportive community for those of us who are wired to be our own worst critic. Don't miss out, head over to sub-stack and search for Ellen Hendrickson, or how to be good to yourself when you're hard on yourself. I'll see you there. Savvy Psychologist is a quick and dirty tips podcast. Thanks to the team at QDT. Steve Brickieberg, who engineers the show, director of podcast Holly Hutchins, Morgan Christensen in advertising, and Rebecca Sebastian in Nathaniel Hoops in marketing. Follow Savvy Psychologist on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Next week, Dr. Jade Wu returns with some tips to quiet your mind for sleep. And I'll see you the week after that. (gentle music)