How to Say the Right Thing

[MUSIC] Good morning, I'm Michael Kavnet, and this is the next big idea daily. Check out the episode notes for a special offer, which will let you get the best nonfiction of the year sent right to your door. Now, we here at the next big idea club are in the word business. We read them, we write them, we listen to them, we speak them. But how often do we actually think about words? Well, maybe we should think about them a little more, because the right language, the right turn of phrase, can make us more persuasive, more creative, more connected. Jonah Berger is a professor at the Wharton School and an internationally best-selling author who studies social influence and how ideas catch on. His 2023 book is Magic Words. What to say to get your way? And I'll join us with some of his big ideas in just a moment. Later, Wharton Negotiation Professor Mori Tahherapur will join us to share ideas from her 2020 book, Bring Yourself, how to harness the power of connection to negotiate fearlessly. How to use language and connection to communicate better right after this quick break. Do you actually have a proper password manager set up right now? I'm guessing you don't. You're likely still using your daughter's birthday or your high school mascot or your dog's middle name with an exclamation point. And to make matters worse, you're probably reusing those exact same three or four passwords across dozens of different sites. But with automated threats multiplying daily, that old approach is not nearly good enough. That's why you need Keeper. Keeper is a password manager that creates strong, unique passwords for all your accounts, stores them securely in one place and logs you in automatically across all your devices. So you never have to remember, guess, or worry about getting locked out of your accounts again. Right now, Keepers offering 60% of personal and family plans at KeepersSecurity.com/Daily. This incredible offer is only for podcast listeners. That's KeepersSecurity.com/Daily for 60% of personal and family plans. And if you're running a team at work, check out Keepers Business Plans to just make sure you use our link so they know we sent you. KeepersSecurity.com/Daily. Hi, this is Jonah Berger, and I'm here to talk to you about my book, Magic Words. I don't have to tell you that almost everything we do involves words. From the emails and PowerPoints that we write to the phone calls and pitch meetings that we pull together, we talk to others face-to-face and overwritten communication, and words are how we persuade, communicate, and connect. They're how leaders lead, salespeople sell, and parents parent. There are teachers teach, policymakers govern, and doctors explain. In fact, even our private thoughts rely on language. But while we spent a lot of time using language, we rarely think about the specific language that we use. Sure, we might think a lot about the ideas we want to communicate when we make a presentation, for example. What's the main thrust of what we want to get across? But we often think a lot less about the particular words we use when we communicate those ideas. But unfortunately, that's a mistake. Because subtle shifts in the words we use can have a big effect on our actual impact. Take something like trying to persuade others. It turns out that adding one word to a sentence can increase the likelihood that others take our request by about 50%. Or think about the recommendations that we make. Research that my colleagues and I have done looking at hundreds of thousands of online reviews and a variety of different contexts shows that something as simple as saying, "I recommend product or service," rather than saying, "I like that product or service." Leads other people to be about a third more likely to take your recommendation. And in context as diverse as the words we use in writing email and the language we use when applying for loan, words reveal exciting things about the people that produce them. Research, for example, shows that how similar your languages to your colleagues at the office can have an important prediction on whether you get promoted or get let go from the company. And research on the language you use in loan applications shows that we can predict whether someone's going to pay back that loan or whether they're going to fault based just on the words they use in their application alone. It's clear that certain words are more impactful than others. They're better at changing minds, engaging audiences and driving action. And so the key question is, well, what are these magic words? And how can we take advantage of their power? In magic words, I talk about six key types of words. Six key types of language that we can use to increase our impact. And to help it make it be easier to remember what those words are, I put them in a framework. And it's the Speaks framework. That's S-P-E-A-C-C. I know it should end in a K, but as somebody pointed out, it's always hard to find a K and Scrabble and the same thing was true here. The S is for the language of similarity and difference. The P is for the language of posing questions. The E is for the language of emotion. The A is the language of agency and identity. One of the C's is for the language of confidence. And the second C is for the language of concreteness. Unfortunately, I don't have time to go through all the ideas here, but I'll give a couple of tips or key takeaways about how to apply language. Take something as simple as trying to persuade others. Often we're trying to get someone to do something. We may be asking them to help with a particular thing, or if we're a non-profit, we may want to get them to turn out to vote. Often when we do that, we ask in a particular way. We use a verb like help or vote to ask people to do that thing. But it turns out that a subtle shift in language, in fact, just adding one or even two letters to the end of those words can have a big impact on whether or not we're successful. A number of years ago, a study was done. I'd stand for university where they asked kids in an elementary school classroom to help clean up. There was a mess on the floor, and they asked some of the kids, they said, "Can you help clean up?" As we often might ask for help. But for the other half of the kids, they did something slightly different. Rather than asking for help, they asked those kids to be a helper. Now, the difference between help and helper is infinitesimally small. It's only two letters. Yet asking people to be a helper rather than help led to about a 30% increase in the percentage of kids who helped clean up. And it's not just kids in classrooms. Recent works find the same thing happens with adults and more consequential behavior. They looked at voting, for example, and asked some people to vote as we often do. And for a second set of people, they asked them to be a voter. And they found that that subtle shift, in this case, just one extra letter turning vote into voter, led people to be about 15% more likely to vote. And the reason why is simple. We all know that we should do things like help and vote, but we're pretty busy. We don't have the time. Yet what we really care about is feeling like we hold desire identities. We want to see ourselves positively. We want to see ourselves as smart and interesting and attractive and athletic. And so we engage in actions that support those ideas. We want to see ourselves that athletic. We need to run every so often. And so if actions give us an opportunity to hold desired identities, we're more likely to take those actions. Sure, voting, I know I should vote, but I just don't have the time. But wait, be a voter. Hold that desirable identity. Well, that's something I want to do. And if voting is an opportunity to show myself and others that I am a voter, I'm more likely to do it. Same thing with helping, right? Kids know that they should help, but maybe they don't want to, but being a helpers a desirable identity and so of helping is a way to claim that desire identity. They're more likely to do it. In fact, the same thing also holds in the negative direction. Losing is bad, but being a loser is even worse. Cheating is sure bad, but being a cheater is even worse. And so research shows that when cheating would make you a cheater, cheating on a test would make you a cheater. People are less likely to do it because they don't want to engage in an action that would lead them to show that undesirable identity. This even holds true for how we describe ourselves. Imagine I told you about two people. I told you about one person who runs and the other person who is a runner. If I asked you which those two people runs more often, you'd probably say, well, the person who is a runner, right? Because identities seem like more stable things. Sure, if someone runs, they go wanting once in a while, but if they are a runner, it seems much more persistent. And so by calling ourselves, rather than just saying I run, saying I am a runner, it makes it seem like a more stable trait, and that may make us more likely to engage in that action in the future. Similarly, it affects how other people perceive us, right? Rather than saying you're a hard working, saying you're a hard worker makes it seem more like a persistent characteristic. Rather than saying you're creative, saying you're a creator, makes it seem like an identity and a bigger part of who you are. And so by turning actions into identities, we can make things seem more stable and persistent and shape how we're perceived. That's one example from the chapter about the language of agency and identity. But another chapter I like a lot is the language of questions, right? How can we ask better questions and pose better questions? And one key insight from that chapter is about asking for advice. Often, whether at home or at the office, we might be stuck on a tough problem or trying to solve something or do something. And it's difficult, we can't figure it out. And so sometimes we think about asking for advice. We think we might ask a peer or a colleague who might know more than we do, but we're often reticent to do that. Why? Because first, we don't know if they'll be able to help us. Second, they might be busy and third, even worse. One way they might think less of us. We ask them for advice. It looks like we don't know what we're doing and so they'll think we're less competent and less knowledgeable. But it turns out that intuition is actually incorrect. because some researchers at Harvard and Wharton did a very nice paper where they looked at ask asking for advice. They had people have a variety of different types of interactions. Sometimes people asked for advice. Sometimes they didn't. And they found that asking for advice doesn't actually make us look worse. And it doesn't actually change how we look. It actually makes us look better. Asking for advice makes us look smarter and more competent, not less. And the reason why, very simply, is that people are egocentric. All of us love to think that we give good advice. All of us love to think we're smart and have good thoughts. And so when someone else comes up to us and asks us for our advice, we think, wow, they must be pretty smart because of all the people they could have asked, they asked us. And so what this suggests is, look, when you have a tough problem, ask for advice. Not only will that give you the information that you need to make a better decision or solve your problem, but it'll also make you look better as a result. Another key insight from the book is around the language of confidence. And we all know people in our lives that are particularly charismatic, right? When they open their mouths, everyone stops to listen. But one question is, why? Why are certain individuals so charismatic? And if you look across folks, you often see one characteristic in common. And I don't want to get into politics, but if you listen to Donald Trump's speeches, you'll notice he has this in spades. And I recognize people feel differently about Donald Trump. But whether you like him or not, it's hard to disagree that he's done a great job of selling his ideas. He's mobilized millions of people to believe and support the things he wants to do. And so whether you agree with him or not, one question is, why? Why is he so successful? And if you look at his speeches, you'll notice something interesting. When he first ran for office, for example, made his first presidential run, he made a speech saying something like, you know, if I'm elected, I'll build a great wall and I'll build it very cheaply. And you know, we don't have victories in the United States anymore. We used to, but we don't have them anymore in trade deals with China. For example, you know, we're behind and I beat China, I beat China all the time. When the speech came out, some people noted that it was overly simplistic or said it was full of bluster or empty. And yet a year later, he was elected president. And so even if you don't like his ideas or the way he talks, something he's doing is working. What is it? Well, if you look at Trump, he does the same thing that a lot of charismatic leaders do. Look at great salespeople. Look at startup founders like Elon Musk or Steve Jobs. Look at gurus. They all do the same thing, which is they all speak with a great deal of certainty. They think say things are definitely true. This will certainly work. Everyone agrees. The answer is obvious. It's abundantly clear. They speak with a great deal of certainty. And not surprisingly, certainty is often quite persuasive. Research on financial advisors, for example, shows that people are more likely to pick advisors that seem more certain. Even those those advisors aren't right more often. And in some cases, maybe overconfident, people are more likely to pick certain financial advisors because of an advisor's particularly certain or someone's particularly certain at general. If they seem so certain about what they're saying, it's hard not to believe what they're saying could be correct. But contrast that with what most of us do most of the time. I'm an academic. I'm guilty of this myself. But when people work with consulting clients, they'll often say something like, what do you think of this strategy? And I'll say, well, it might work. You know, it seems like a good idea. I think this is the best course of action. If you notice what I'm doing, I'm up hedging my words, saying things like I think, possibly, probably, seems might. And all of us hedge all the time. It's a common verbal tick we use. But unfortunately, hedging often undermines our impact because by hedging, we show the audience that we're not so confident. And it makes what we say less persuasive. People are less likely to follow our advice to do what we're suggesting when we hedge because we seem less confident. And so sometimes we need to ditch the hedges. Right? Certainly if there's a case where there's a great deal of uncertainty, maybe we want to communicate uncertainty. But if our goal is to persuade others, let's not hedge too much. Let's only use hedges when we mean to. And second, beyond ditching the hedges, we need to own the uncertainty. Right? Notice the difference between saying something like, I'm not sure if that's going to work versus I think this is a great strategy. But to make it work, three things need to happen. In that second version, I'm making it clear that I'm still not sure the strategy's going to work. But if we can make these three things happen, the strategy will be a great idea. And so own the uncertainty. Make it clear what you're certain about and what you're uncertain about. And people will be more likely to listen. One last quick takeaway that I find fascinating is the language of creativity and often when we're stuck on something, we don't know what to do. We're trying to figure out the right answer. Being creative is really hard. Hard to think outside the box and come up with new ideas. But research finds again that a subtle shift switching one word out can actually make us much more creative and help us come up with better solutions. Because often, when we think about trying to solve a problem or we're stuck in a bind, we often think about what we should do. Given the situation I'm in, what should I do, what is the right course of action? And well, shoots are useful in some ways. They can be quite restricting. They focus us on only thinking about maybe one or two right answers. And they narrow us to other possibilities. But research shows that rather than think about what we should do, if we instead think about what we could do instead, we're much more likely to come up with creative solutions. Research finds that asking people to think about what they could do leads them to think outside the box, think a little bit more broadly. And even if they don't end up implementing one of those things that they came up with, it helps them reach a better solution in the end. And so thinking could rather than should, it'll help you be better problem-solver and more creative. Overall, these are just a few of the tips from my new book, Magic Words. Language is so exciting and we use it all the time. We are all writers. We may not write books or essays or articles in the newspapers, but we write emails and PowerPoint presentations and word documents. We are all speakers. We may not get up on stage and do key notes for millions of people, but we speak all the time. We speak in meetings. We speak to our spouse. We speak to our children. All of these things involve language. And if we understand the power of Magic Words and how to use them and why they have such a great impact, we can increase our own impact as well. Thank you, Jonah. Okay, it's time for a quick break for some ads. When we come back, Mori to Herapur will share ideas from, "Bring yourself how to harness the power of connection to negotiate fearlessly." So there are a lot of tasks that AI can automate, but teamwork is not one of them. If you've ever felt anxious about how AI is going to shape your work and your team, you're not alone. But let me tell you how we look at it here at Next Big Idea Club. 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And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know. It was on the next big idea daily. That's the best way to support our show. Hello, members of the next big idea club. I'm Morita Harryport. Today, I'd like to share five key insights from my book that I hope will inspire you to bring your full authentic self to the bargaining table and harness the power of connection to negotiate fearlessly. Insight number one. Negotiation is something we do all the time. We are better negotiators than we think we are because it's something we have done almost every day of our lives. When we were toddlers, we throw tantrum to get our way. That's a negotiation. When you're on the fence about taking a new job or you make a pros and cons list, that's a negotiation. And when you have to get your playful dog to go back into the house, that's a negotiation. In other words, routine conversations we have with families, family members, friends, co-workers, and even ourselves are as much a negotiation as the transactional and difficult conversations that we are more apt to see as a negotiation such as asking for a raise, raising your prices for a particular client, and breaking up a relationship. Expanding your definition of negotiation is the first step in making a change. You are constantly negotiating whether you realize it or not, and because you have so much practice, you're probably better at it than you think you are. Negotiation is, after all, a learned skill. While you may develop bad habits over time as a result of negative experiences, you can also learn to correct them. I've taught people of all ages, genders, and backgrounds, and I've learned that negotiation is a loaded topic, no matter the demographic. Negotiation cuts to the core of our sense of self, what we think we're about, and what worries us. This is also why negotiation has such a great potential to teach us. Number two, anyone can be a great negotiator. There's a long-standing stereotype that a skilled negotiator is someone who is aggressive and unemotional. If I accomplish nothing else with this book, then I hope it's putting this misconception to bed once and for all. In fact, there are some of the best I've ever known. Your bargaining style isn't what makes your great negotiator. It's less about your style and much more about substance. Great negotiators have the courage to show up as themselves. They're best selves, intensely prepared, emotionally intelligent, curious, and focused on problem-solving, seeking outcomes that foster long-term benefits. They don't pretend to be someone that they're not, instead, they prepare in a way that can communicate exactly who they are, what they bring to the table and what they want. When we choose to bring our whole authentic selves to the table, we are able to advocate for ourselves fearlessly and are open to finding creative solutions that benefit everyone involved. So, how do we do this? The key is in understanding yourself first, knowing who you are, embracing your personal values, establishing your boundaries, and being clear about what you can and cannot compromise. This is a step that is often overlooked when we prepare for negotiation, but it's the step that I find most crucial. When you don't have this conversation with yourself before you negotiate, it's easy to lose yourself in a heated conversation, or one where your competitiveness and ego take over. The outcome is one of regret, and regret is one of the hardest emotions to overcome. It sits over you like heavy smog that you can't help but breathe in. Avoid the regret. Use negotiation as a path to find your voice and articulate your wants and needs. It is when we find the courage to do so that we can negotiate successfully and avoid the heavy burden of regret. This allows us to be a piece with any outcome knowing that at the end of the day, you were true to yourself. Number three, negotiation is about human connections. While most people think that it's the transaction that is the most important part of a negotiation, it's actually the conversation and connection developed upon first meeting your counterpart that is most crucial. Not as information exchange, this phase in the negotiation process involves taking your time to get to know each other, asking questions, showing authentic interest in your counterpart, leading with empathy, and creating a natural report that puts both sides at ease. Having intending negotiation with a curious and learning mindset allows you to open your mind and heart to possibilities. It could be that something you learned during your information exchange shifts the perceptions you had at the outset of the conversation and puts you on a different path to reach your desired outcome. You remain flexible, fully engaged, and not committed to only one route to get to an outcome, but rather to the best path to get to an agreement. By staying in fact, finding mode instead of beholden to your script, you elevate curiosity above certainty. The more you learn before initiating the actual bargaining process, the more likely you are to engage in a negotiation that is thoughtful, consensus-driven, and avoid surprises that could derail the entire process later. In other words, by the time the opening offers made, you've already done most of the work. In 2015, Ambassador Wendy Sherman led negotiations for the United States concerning the decade-long stalemate over Iran's nuclear weapons program, wherein the U.S. ultimately agreed to lift sanctions and return for Iran making concessions to their nuclear program. Ambassador Sherman talked about how the two sides sometimes dine together and how important that was in building the relationship between them. She also talked about how both Xi and Iran's lead negotiator had become grandparents during the course of the negotiations and shared with each other videos of their new grandchildren. While they were both still tough negotiators, it reminded each of them that they were also human, which brought them to a place of commonality in their attempt to make a deal. Before, how our stories sell us short, I spend a great deal of time in class talking about the role of self-worth in a negotiation and cannot overstate its relevance. When we don't believe in our worth, we don't see our power. Without seeing our power, we can't understand our leverage and we can't negotiate to our full potential. Self-worth is a key part of the deep reaches of negotiation, but it's also just the beginning. I often encounter my students when they are vulnerable and unsure. I hear all kinds of stories from them. They are the youngest person in their field and just can't compete. They are the only person of color or the only woman at the table. They've never stopped to question the stories they tell themselves and don't expect a negotiation class to be the place where they'll do so. We can be our own worst enemy in negotiation because of the stories we tell ourselves. More often than not, those stories sell us short. I am not preaching from a purchase of perfection when I say this. I have told myself plenty of unhelpful stories about my value. For years, I was in business with a partner who was older and more experienced than I was. He was my mentor early in my career before we went into business together. And as a result, I was overly deferential. When business was good, the differences in our decision-making weren't so obvious. But when we hit major road bumps and financial challenges, the disparity in our approach became clear. I deferred to him instead of standing my ground because of the stories I told myself. I still have a lot to learn. I lack relevant experience. I am young and probably naive. I could have told myself different stories. Yes, he was more experienced in some areas. But I had great instincts and intellect. I had it in me to succeed, regardless of my age or experience. I certainly wouldn't have done everything right, but when I look back on that time and my life as a young entrepreneur, I regret that I didn't have a more powerful personal narrative. I wish I had changed the doubtful and critical soundtrack that continued to play in my mind. The stories we tell ourselves shape and define us and impact how we negotiate with the world around us. Knowing yourself, the right story is actually messy and complicated. And while necessary, also incredibly hard. It is self-esteem, self-awareness, and the battling of a posture syndrome all rolled into one. If self-doubt drives our negotiations, we start determining the outcomes before we even begin. And the more confident you are about what your story is, the less vulnerable you are to those who would question it. The stories we tell ourselves can make the difference between a great outcome and a bad one, between going on stage and going home. Research from positive psychology tells us that the more positive our narrative, the better our results. Simply said, expect more, get more. The many stories I've told in this book don't begin to scratch the surface of the transformations I've seen in my students over the years. It's not just that they've learned to get better deals, although they do. But they grow, they change, they self-correct. They change the ways they relate to and engage with others. They're kinder to themselves and they're kinder to others. I've met very few people who are dead set in their ways. And that is something to be very hopeful about, no matter the nature of the conversation. Number five, wherever you are, either fully. When I first started teaching, my brain was fully occupied with what I thought I had to communicate during each and every class. I had my fair share of lesson plans from which I thought I could not and should not deviate. Now that I've been teaching for more than 16 years, I've let go of all the rigid rules in a favor of just being present and in the moment with my students. Instead of being devoted to a specific lesson plan, I'm intensely focused on my students. I walk into a classroom and immediately take inventory of the mood and energy in the room. For the next three hours, I give little thought to anything outside the classroom, no matter what baggage I was carrying prior to walking in. I leave it all at the door. I work hard through the semester to teach my students the power of presence and the importance of fighting distraction in order to fully immerse themselves in conversations. They learn the power of mindfulness and the meaningful connections that they can create when they devote their full attention and energy to the class. What my students experience in the classroom is what I wanted to convey in this book. I firmly believe that cultivating presence is one of the most important things we can do to find satisfaction in our day-to-day lives, our relationships, and of course negotiation. When we're distracted, we get our information not in totality but through a filter. With that being present, you are unable to tap into your emotional intelligence and truly understand the state of mind of your counterpart. Emotional intelligence is after all your super power and negotiation and distraction is like kryptonite. We don't give enough credence to the notion that being present is hard and it's only getting harder thanks to the hyper-connected world where multitasking is the de facto way of being. When it comes to negotiation, the implications of our loss of attention are huge. As we become more reliant on technology for communication, being mindful and fully present becomes even more difficult. Distractions are ever present and deep connected conversations are fleeting. Just like any other skill that takes time to learn and master, there are many ways to practice mindfulness. Whether you're deliberate about turning your phone off at the dinner table, using breathing exercises to release anxiety and stress, or committing to daily meditation practice. For those who wonder what being present really involves, one of my favorite ways to frame presence comes from my student Glenn. Glenn has been playing the guitar since he was five and likens the notion of presence to that of differentiating musical notes. He said that one of the most incredible things that he was able to achieve was not to play more notes or to even play faster, but to leave more space between the notes. What makes music music, after all, is leaving space between the notes. Otherwise, the notes just blend together and that's not music. It's noise. Ever since he shared this with me, I've thought of presence as the space between the notes. It could be infinitesimal. It could be subtle, but without it, it's all just noise. Thank you so much for listening. I'm grateful for your support. Thank you, Maureen. Okay, everyone. If you got something out of today's show, we hope you'll leave us a rating and review so others can find it. Remember, you can get copies of the books we talked about using the links in the episode notes. While you're there, please sign up for our free newsletter so you can get these big ideas right in your inbox. That does it for us this week. I'm Michael Cobbnet. We'll see you Monday.