How to navigate the intense emotions of grief with the Grief Support Kit

[MUSIC PLAYING] Did you know that you can have unshakable self-confidence? I'm Sherry Brasier. I'm an advanced certified style coach, personal wardrobe stylist, and seasoned hairstylist. I'm on a mission to teach women everywhere, to see their true value and create self-confidence on the inside, and then help you dress that way on the outside. Women just like you are creating strategies to dress your body shape stylishly, tools you can use to help you love yourself and process disappointment and overwhelm, all while still looking put together when you leave the house. If you're ready to figure out your personal style and learn the tools to help you build and create more self-confidence, then you are in the right place. Let's get started. Hello, my friends. Thanks for being here today. It's been a while since you've heard me. Here on the podcast, it has been a few months since I've recorded a new episode. And I wanted to let you know what's been going on in my life and why that is the case. If you follow me on social media, then you already know. And if you don't follow me on social media, then you should, because then you'll know all the things. So my dad has been diagnosed with cancer and he went through some treatment in 2019 and was given a clean bill of health. And he was good for about four and a half years. And in January, when he had his regular scans, they found some suspicious activity in his liver. And it was determined that the cancer was back and it had metastasized. So there's things that have been going on with his help recently. And so we decided as a family with his blessing that we would not do chemo. There were some other treatments that we could do that were less evasive and that would give him quality of life. And we decided to do some of those treatments. And then we knew that this was the end of his life and that we would spend as much time with him as we could and make as many memories as we could. And just be with him as much as we could until it was time for him to pass. And he ended up passing away on the 27th of November, a couple of days after Thanksgiving. And he was living with me for the last few weeks of his life. And I just did all the things that I needed to do to be with him for the last weeks of his life. And everything that did not revolve around him got put aside. And I am grateful for the opportunity that I had to take care of him and to have him in our home and to help in the transition of him going to the next life and being with my mom. My mom's been gone for a long time. And my dad has lived alone for a long, long time without his sweetheart. And he has missed her terribly. And that did help us with the process, knowing that he would be together with his sweetheart again. It was still hard, but it was made a little bit sweeter because of that. And also in the exact same time, my second son was leaving on his mission. And he had his farewell. And then at 1.30 in the morning, the next day is when my dad passed away. So my son was set apart as a missionary. And the next day, he started the MTC. So we had my dad's funeral on the 2nd of December. And my son was set apart as a missionary on the 4th or on the 3rd. And then he started a home MTC on the 4th. And he did a home MTC for a week. And then went to the Provo MTC for two weeks and spent Christmas in the MTC. And then went to his mission, which is in Louisiana. So we've had a lot going on in our family. Lots of emotions have been happening. Lots of transition. Lots of changes. Big changes. Not just little seemingly little changes, but lots of big changes. And that's just two of the things that have happened in the last couple of months for our family. There's been some other big things that have gone on. And I really just put everything aside so that I could focus on my family. And more, most importantly, my own health and making sure that I was in the best shape that I could be in, so that I could do the things that I needed to do and be the person that I wanted to be during all of this stuff. And of course, that is what I would do. This is what this whole podcast is about. That's what my whole journey, my whole life, is about, is making sure that we prioritize ourselves and our self-care so that we can shoulder the things that are ours to shoulder so that we can be the kind of people that we need to be for the people that we love for ourselves. And the time that I had off for these events that have been happening in my family, it really has given me the opportunity to reflect and to really think about what's important to me, what is my purpose? What is my purpose as a mom, as a wife, as a sister, as a daughter, for sure, as a daughter? That's on my mind a lot right now, obviously. I am in charge of my dad's estate with my oldest brother and my oldest brother ended up being out of the country for several weeks. And so my younger brother stepped in to that position and helped me with some things with my dad's estate. That's been a very busy, stressful time-consuming thing to do and to navigate through. And there's nothing like a death in the family to kind of shine a light on what is important and what you want to create and what you want to focus on. And so as I've had the last couple of months off from the podcast specifically, but I did take some time off from my businesses and from my church responsibilities and just focused on my family. And as I've been able to have the time to reflect and heal, I've done a lot of sleeping. I've done a lot of sitting. I've done a lot of just thinking. And I've done a lot of doing things that make me happy and that bring me joy. And that's-- I've watched a lot of TV. I've just kind of-- I mean, you could say I've just kind of veged. But the whole time that that's been happening, I have been noticing and trying to understand and get awareness of what I'm feeling. What are my emotions telling me? What emotions are coming up? And what am I feeling? And what are those emotions telling me about myself? And it's been a journey. It really has been kind of a cool journey for me. And I decided that I would take this podcast to just kind of maybe be a little bit vulnerable and kind of open the curtain a little bit into what's been going on behind the scenes for me. And also what I see for my future and what I see for this podcast, what I see for my business, my businesses. And also I want to talk to you about grief because I've learned a lot about grief in the last couple of weeks. I feel like grief and I are pretty good friends. I've dealt with and processed and been aware of grief for 24 years in various capacities of my life. Number one being my mom being gone and being an adult and a woman and a mom Without my mom that's been hard and Then through my fertility struggles through adoptions through miscarriages those those things have brought Their own level of grief and hardship But also joy and I have Spent the last several years really Trying to understand emotions and how they Show up for me and how I show up when I'm feeling certain emotions and then deciding How to deal with that and how I want to be as a person and I've I have Learned a lot in the last couple of weeks and I wanted to I wanted to share that with you. I have shared it with several people in the last couple of weeks I've done some some different things and I will share those things with you today. I'm excited to share the resources that I've created and the things that I've gone through with you and I just thought that today Being my first episode back from a break from a season of A break that this was what I wanted to open this next chapter with this next season of my business and of this podcast so I want to talk to you about grief today and I want to I want to tell you how this came about because I do think that it's important for you to understand How this came about so Several weeks ago Before it wasn't before my dad passed away. It was after my dad passed away after the funeral So we were kind of in the middle of of this Last several weeks and a friend of mine sent me a message and asked me if I would be interested in putting together a donation basket for a fundraiser that one of our local schools was doing for cancer and There's a young man in our community that is suffering from a rain tumor and some other health issues and the school Basketball team had decided to do a fundraiser for this little boy in our community and They were having a silent auction and my friend asked me if I wanted to do a donation basket and I always say yes to those opportunities because Number one. I love putting baskets together. It's fun for me I love to give gifts and so The actual doing of that basket is something I enjoy and so of course I I wanted to do that and then the the topic of The fundraiser being cancer obviously is very Very very close to my heart because both of my parents passed away from cancer and there's lots of Cancer in my family that has affected us and so Anything that I can do to lift someone up that's going through That I want to be a part of and so I agreed to do this donation basket and I didn't know exactly what I was gonna do right at first and I took a few minutes to To think about what I would want to offer as a donation basket to this fundraiser and it didn't take long For me to come up with the idea that I that I wanted to do and it just came to me I I just instantly knew what the basket was supposed to be and I am calling it a grief support kit and It is an act it was an actual basket with with actual physical things inside and I'll tell you what the things were inside um and then I knew that I needed to do a little video orce like a little mini video course and three videos is what came to mind that I needed to do about grief and and help people Understand How to go through grief Because I didn't know I didn't know what to do with those emotions when I was 24 and just had lost my mom newly married I didn't I had never in my life experienced intense pain like that before I did not know what to do with it. I did not know what to do with it and it was so intense that it scared me and I was already scared to live without my mom and then these emotions being so intense that scared me too and I just knew that With experiences that I've had that people that are going through cancer have really really intense emotions and if I could help them Understand that it's normal for them to be so intense and that if those emotions scare you That's normal and then what to do about it and how to navigate that and what to expect and and just How to do it How do you lose a loved one how do you How do you get through that and So I knew that that's what I needed to do and I wasn't sure what things I was going to put in the basket. I had a couple of ideas, but I didn't know exactly what things I was going to put in the basket and so I just started thinking about the couple of weeks before because at this time it had been maybe a month maybe since my dad had passed away So like three weeks after the funeral. So we were pretty fresh pretty fresh and pretty still in the very new newness of a death in the family and so I just thought What are the things that I am reaching for and that I'm needing and that's helping me right now. I am in grief right this minute What am I doing? What am I reaching for? What am I really glad that I have What's something someone brought that meant a lot to me? What are the things that I'm needing right now and why? Why do I need those things and why are they helping me? And I just started making a list I just started making a list of the things that are helping me that I've needed that people have either brought to me or whatever and I made a list of those things and then I went out and got those physical things and I want to tell you what those things are that I went out and got and that I put in this basket and why? So the first thing that I put in this basket was a gift certificate for a haircut and style You guys know I do hair. I am a hair stylist. I've been a hair stylist for most of my life. It seems so I gave them a gift certificate to come and get a haircut and style that's complementary because Days before the funeral I realized that I had gray coming in and I needed a haircut and I wanted to look and feel my best for the viewing and the funeral. I knew I was going to see people that I hadn't seen in years and I wanted to feel my best and so I got a haircut, got my hair colored and that just made me feel like I was put together and just it just made me feel good to have my hair done. So I put in a complementary haircut and style. I also wanted to get a gift card. I didn't end up getting a gift card for this basket but I have done this for other people in the past but I didn't have time to do it for this basket but I've given people gift cards to like dillards here in our town is probably the best place to shop and I I wanted a new dress. I wanted a new skirt or something that was new for the funeral that I felt good in and so I have given away gift cards to dillards so that they could go and find a nice dress for the funeral and so that they could feel pretty and put together and just feel good about themselves. The next thing is a soft fuzzy blanket because when I'm nervous and afraid I shake, I shiver and wrapping up in a blanket makes me feel safe and warm. I'm usually cold just in general. I'm usually on the cold side so if I get nervous and afraid and I start to shiver then my body just feels cold. So that was that was something that I would do most the most the time during the day. I would wrap up in a in a fuzzy blanket. Mine is an electric blanket and so So it's heated and I didn't put a heated blanket in. I just got a nice pretty fuzzy blanket to put in this basket. The next thing that I put in there was a soothing candle, a soothing smelling candle so that the smells of hospitals and hospice care aren't easily remembered. My dad was on hospice and we had a hospital bed and all of the things in our house and the smells and all of that is things I can remember still even though all of that stuff is gone. And so I went and got a candle so that I could burn a candle. So I put a candle in the basket. The next thing was good quality chocolate because what girl doesn't like a piece of chocolate when she's sad. So I put some chocolate so that I could savor the joy of a sweet treat when I was sad. The next thing that I got was a gift card for a pick me up soda and a cookie. So if you're local then you'll know what pick me up is but it's a soda shack. It's a soda store that they do flavored sodas. They have every flavor that you can think of that you can add to any kind of soda. And they are delicious and we call them fancy sodas and they also have lots of delicious cookies that they serve. So I went and got a gift card for a pick me up soda and a cookie because that always gives me a pick me up. The next thing that I put in was a book about grieving and it's called grieving the pain and the promise. And I put that book in there because it is all it's a book of all about feelings and what grief does and how it feels and it just let me know that the feelings that I was having were normal and that it's okay to not jump back into life right away. One of the things that it says in that book is if you get to the end of the day and all you've done is sit on the couch, you've healed. And that is what it takes is just sometimes just sitting on the couch and just being there and not doing anything. I tend to make myself busy so that I don't have to feel the uncomfortable emotions that are coming and that has not worked for me very well in the past. So I've decided that I'm just going to have to learn how to be with emotions that I don't want to be with. And how does that happen for me? So that book was very helpful in that way. I also put in there a gift certificate for a one hour massage so that the tension, stress and grief that was building up in my neck and my shoulders could be relieved for a time. And it was amazing. That massage was the best massage I've ever had. I haven't had a lot of massages but I've had a few. This one was the best massage I've ever had. And I think because it just gave me some time to just relax and let someone work on those stress and tension spots on my neck and my shoulders and just breathe them away. And it has lasted for a long time, the relief from that. So I put a gift certificate for a one hour massage in there. And the last thing that I put in there was my mini course, that digital three video mini course on grief. And that is hopefully to remind them and you, you get to have this course that you're not going through this alone and that there are people who can teach you tools that you can use when you're stuck and overwhelmed by grief. And you guys get to have this course. I'm giving it away for free. There will be a link in the show notes of this episode for you to go get the grief support mini course. And you get it for free. And I would hope that you would share the the link with anyone in your life that's grieving. And I would hope that you would use this grief support kit in your life for your loved ones for someone that's going through grief. And maybe it's even for you. Maybe you are going through grief and you need to give yourself these things that are in this basket and in this kit. Because here is what I know for truth, for the truth. People always tell me how strong I am. But I don't feel very strong. And what I really need is to feel loved and understood. And I don't feel strong. And I might look strong. But I actually, I don't think that that I am strong. I think that I don't have any other option, but to keep going. I have little people and big people that are looking up to me that look to me for guidance and inspiration. And I need I need to show them the way. And one of the comments that I got during the viewing of my dad's funeral proceedings was the best comment that I think I've ever received from someone that is giving me condolences from my parents passing away. And she said, "I'm so sorry for your loss." And she said, "Your dad loved you. Everyone could see it. Your parents are proud of you. You guys have done a good job. And it's okay for you to take time. He was a big part of your life." And that meant so much to me to hear someone say that my dad loved me and that they could see it. My dad loved his family and everyone that knew him knew it because of the way that he was. And that just meant so much more to me than the people that came through the line that said, "Oh, you're so strong. I'm not strong. I don't know what anyone thinks I should be doing, but pretending that I'm strong. That doesn't really feel very good to me. But what did feel good to me was that this person knew my dad and knew that he loved his family and that he knew that he was proud of us and gave me permission to be sad and to take time to grieve because he was a big part of my life." Her saying that she knew that he was a big part of my life was just, "I felt seen. I really felt seen and I felt understood and I felt loved." And that's what people who are grieving are craving is to feel understood and to feel loved and to be seen in their grief. So maybe that is something that you could also take from this episode is when your giving condolences, "I understand you feel like you need to say something and you don't know what to say. Don't tell the person they're strong. They don't want to be patted on the back for taking a good hit. Good job for taking a hit." That doesn't feel very good to the person that's grieving. What feels better is I know that this person was a huge part of your life and it's going to take some time for you to grieve. It's okay. It's okay for you to take that time and this person loved you as much as you loved them. Everybody knew it, everybody sees it. Those kinds of things are what is important to the person that's grieving. So I decided that I was just going to get on this episode and just kind of talk from the heart. I don't really have a outline of that I'm following. I just have pulled up the items that I put in that basket. That's it. And I just thought, I just talked to you, like a friend. And just let you know that I am deep inside grief. And so I know what it feels like, but also I have some tools that I've learned. And I would feel really ungrateful if I didn't share what I've learned because none of us get out of this life without feeling grief. Grief is a part of our lives. It's part of the human experience. And some of us have to go through it multiple times, like I have. And I don't wanna have those times, those loved ones that I've lost, being vain, I wanna learn from my experiences and I wanna help others with their experiences. And so I created this grief support mini course. And I'm just gonna give it away to whoever needs it because I've already given it away to the, it was in the donation basket. I've sent it out to my email list. I sent it to friends. I put it on social media. And I've gotten lots of responses already that it is what people have needed. It's exactly what they needed to either support themselves or to support a loved one or to give them something to do for the person that is in their life that's grieving that they love because we all wanna help the person that's grieving. We all want to be useful. We all want to lift their burden. We don't want them to feel like they're shouldering it on their own and that they're alone. But we don't know what to do. And especially if you've never experienced losing someone, you don't know what to do. All you can do is be grateful that you're not the one losing a person and then you feel guilty for thinking that. Well, I hope that this episode will give you some ideas of how you can support someone else that is going through the death of a loved one. But also, I hope it helps you with what you're going through and that if you haven't experienced the loss of a loved one or a parent or a child or a sibling, that this will give you some insight into what you can do to help yourself, what you can do to support yourself. Because it really is a beautiful experience when you go through it and you get through it and you're on the other side. I feel like I'm still in the grieving process with my dad, but I actually feel like I'm moving. And when I was grieving my mom, I was stuck for a long time, years, years, I was just stuck in sadness. I just could not get out of sadness. And I feel like I'm moving through grief and it feels a lot better than being stuck. So I'm going to put the show notes up with this podcast and I'm going to put the link that you can go and get this grief course. And then you can respond through the emails that come with it. I am here. I'm here for you. I have already had such good conversations with some of my followers about their own grief and their own loss of their loved ones and been able to just support them and let them know that they're not alone. And I would love to do that for you too. So thanks for being here. Thanks for listening. Thanks for giving me your understanding and I hope that I'll see you next week. I hope that you'll continue to keep listening. My podcast might take a little bit of a turn if you have listened to the last several episodes, it's a lot about style and how to get dressed and what jeans to wear and what colors to wear and why and that is really fun stuff. And I know a lot about that stuff. But what I'm really passionate about is you and your will be and the way that you talk to yourself and the way that you see yourself. And I can help you with your shirt and your what shoes go with these jeans. I can for sure help you with that and I will. But I'm gonna start talking more and more about how to like yourself and how to have a better picture of yourself in your head because we live our whole lives in our head. And it would be really nice if it was a nice place to live. So I guess you can look forward to that. And my business and my message and my podcast and all of that evolving. And I hope that you'll come with me. I hope you'll come with me on this journey and it would be really fun to have you. So share this episode with someone who's grieving, someone who could use the grief support mini course. And I would love even for you to write a review. I need reviews to push this out to more people. I need to get this message out to more people. There are so many people in the world they're grieving and I need to get this message out to them. And it's not about me. It's about them. There's just so many people that are grieving and I feel like I can help. So write a review, send me a message, get the grief course and hopefully stay connected. Message me on Instagram or on any of the socials. I'd love to get to know you. And until next time, I hope you guys have an amazing day. And I will see you next time. Bye. (upbeat music) - Hey there. If you're ready to create a life and wardrobe you love and feel confident every day, I want to invite you to join my program, Style Mastery, where you're going to learn how to make it even easier to love your life and the way you look. With me right by your side, you deserve that. Just head over to www.sharybrazier.com/joinstylemastery. I'll see you there.