How to Make Your Intentions Clear in Dating (Stop Missing Chances) (Ep. 75)

It seems like it's ripe for the picking right now, but I would just say it's ripe if you're ready. - Yeah. - It's not, have I done everything right? The thing I think you need to really hone in on is if you are ready. - Yeah, and if you are, like just don't over complicate it, like just be honest. (upbeat music) - Welcome back to Just Ask Her, the podcast that helps you date with confidence, connect with real women, and finally feel in control of your dating life. I'm your host Gracie here with my mom, co-host, and certified life coach Tracy, and we are excited to be back for another episode. - Yes, we are. - And we have Meatball. - We have Meatball here. - He's already asleep. - Yep. - Doesn't take much for him. - Noodle is out guarding the front door. - Yeah. - Every car that drives by, she lets us know. - Yes. - They have a new Instagram page. We should make sure everybody follows it. - Yes. It's called the Italian sausages. You can find them on TikTok and Instagram, if you want to see day in the life of Meatball and Noodle. - Yes, that's so cute. - Do you like that name? Italian sausages? - Yeah, way better than when I had. - Thanks for using it. - Yeah, yeah. - We were playing cards the other night. I was playing with my son and his girlfriend, and Gracie started sending us texts about this new Instagram page that she had started of Meatball and Noodle, and she called it Spaghetti Weeners. I'm like, what does that mean? And everybody at the table was like, just let her have the name. I'm like, no, I don't like that name. That makes no sense to me. There's something. - I straight up said it to the group, and nobody said anything. So, it's funny that she's saying it after the fact. - 'Cause there was a lot of conversation going on, and they were telling me it was fine, and I knew it wasn't fine. I knew there could be something much better. - Yeah. So then she came up with Italian sausages, which is way better. For sure. There's sausage dogs. I don't know where people say sausage dogs. I feel like it's Europe. - Yeah, like Ireland. - Yeah. - Yeah. Or just Europe in general. - And where Irish, so that would make sense if we go with that. - Yeah, but I talk about them as the Weeners. Like that's anytime I'm referring to them, I say the Weens are the Weeners. - Yeah. - And so spaghetti Weeners, I thought was hilarious. But Italian sausages, which just makes more sense. - Yeah. - So I have a vision in my mind that you should have, like the Italian music, running in the background of some of your stories. - Yeah, maybe. I don't really know the point of the page. I don't love doing social media to be so honest. I really like, I love what we've created, and I love that social media allows me to connect with, like the clients I wanna work with, and it gives me the opportunity to help single men on a very like wide scale, which is amazing. And it's not my favorite thing to have to learn and like get up and get on camera on a weekly basis and make all of these videos all the time. So like there's pros and cons of course, and for me, like the Italian sausages page, like I just, I'm obsessed with that kind of content. Like my feed on my social media is Weeners Dogs and dating content. Like that is all that comes up in my feed because it's all I look at. And so like. - And mine is Pitka Ball. Weeners dogs. A little bit of like country music still. - Yeah, and so I like, that's the type of content I like to watch and so it is kind of fun to make it. And I'm not the one like getting on camera, like it's of the dogs. And so like for those reasons, it's like kind of fun for me. I don't know how long it will stay fun for me, but for now, it's just like a fun little thing to do. - It's super cute. - Yeah. Yeah, so we'll see, we'll see how that does, but for now, it's just a fun little thing. - Yeah. - Well, it keeps grandma in the, - Yes. - in the know of what's going on with the Weeners. - Yeah, well, and that's the thing too. I don't have personal social media pages anymore. Like I converted my personal pages to my business pages. So it's like I see friends in, in like, like we've had noodle since Christmas time. And I have friends that don't even know that we have noodle. And so like there's, there's element of that too. Like getting like a little bit of a glimpse into my personal life. I just don't have places for that anymore. - Right. - Because again, like I never really liked posting on social media in the first place. Like I felt like it was something that just kind of hung over my head anyways. - Yeah. - So like this is some small version of that as well. - Yeah, no, that makes sense. - Yeah. - So follow the Italian sausages for awesome Ween content. Hey guys, real quick, if this podcast has helped you think differently about dating or helped you feel less alone, would you take 10 seconds and leave us a rating on Spotify or Apple podcast? This helps us reach our mission of helping as many single men who are struggling in their dating lives and means more to us than you'll know. All right, back to just ask her. All right, well, let's get into episode 75. This submission one is from Owen and it says, hello, I am Owen. I'm 22 and a landscaper from New Jersey. So for a while now, I've been playing video games with my friends and their girlfriends. There is this one girl in particular who is not dating any of my friends but is friends with one of my friends girlfriends and whom I've always kind of had a thing for even though she had a boyfriend and even before this boyfriend. No big deal. I didn't really expect anything from it to be honest until late February of this year when she broke up with her boyfriend. I was excited. I thought this was my opportunity but I knew I had to be patient so I figured I'd given him a month or so and then talk about dating and what she wants. Until last week when I was out drinking with the gaming crew and I learned that she had begun dating a guy she and some of my friends knew of off of Discord. It's a long distance relationship because he lives in Tennessee. Here's my question. What am I doing wrong? I totally thought that I would have had an opportunity to try and date her since we've known each other for a while and she knows I'm single and my friends girlfriends who are her friends are always asking me about my relationship status. During the month of time she was single I made it a point to try and play games and talk with her more one on one, not all of the time but probably like two or three times. I like to think that my friends girlfriends and their friends all like me because I'm often asked to play games or hang out with them as a group. Hell, I was just invited to her birthday party later this month. Why would she choose a guy who is five to six states away and barely talks to online over me who talks to her more often and lives essentially in the same town with all of her friends. Am I missing something? Yes. You are missing something Owen. I picked all of our submissions last night. I was working on these and I am, there's some that just capture my attention from the title. Yeah. There's others that I choose because we haven't talked about that subject often or ever and then there's some that I choose because I think that I'm not going to be able to do some that I choose because I think that it's a common oversight that we need to shine a light on that I think could help a lot of men who are listening. Yeah. And this is one of them. (laughs) So, oh and it's not what you're missing that you need to become aware of. It's what you're not doing at all. There is a huge void in your gameplay here. Unless you didn't tell us, it doesn't sound like you ever directly told her that you were interested or asked her out or like, yeah, maybe your intentions clear at all. Right, declared any sort of romantic interest. Yeah, it doesn't even sound like you told her friends. (laughs) Right, right. So, waiting for the right moment, what giving that whole month's worth of time is not a good strategy. Like, you probably did that, I would guess, more out of fear and thought that maybe waiting would serve you well. And sadly, what happened is this guy from Tennessee actually made his interest known. Yeah. And he took the place. Yeah, it's always interesting. And I think like I do this to like my self sabotaging brain likes to go here to and play the victim a little bit on uncertain things like why does this person have this and I don't or how does that person have this lifestyle like? I'm doing way more than that like are you kidding me and you have thoughts like that? Yes. Yes. Well, thanks to being honest, but I never Have heard you ever talk like that. So yeah, I'm trusting that those kind of thoughts run through your head because I cut it out. I knock it off because that's ridiculous like to sit here and think like I actually just on a call with one of my clients yesterday Who was saying one of the biggest things that's standing in his way is he sees couples walking on the street and his immediate thought is how did he get her? How did he get her and like I'm this great guy and I have all these great qualities and Nobody even seems to notice me. The emphasis is on the lack of What you have not or what you on the lack of what you don't have and not on What it is that you bring to the table even though in that thought you said that but your focus is really like laser in on What it is that you don't have and how unfair that is yeah totally it's a subtle shift that needs to be made that would probably yield huge changes in your life. Yeah, it would make a drastic difference because There is no upside to walking around with this poor me mentality of like why does this person have what I don't? Yeah, like there is no upside to that. There is no benefit to you having thoughts like that And it's and it's unintentional, but your job is to catch when those happen and Re-focus your attention to what you do bring to the table and what we can adjust so that you can start living like that person Yeah, and one of the like best exercises That I constantly take my clients through is if somebody poses that kind of a question like what do they have that I don't? Tell them to answer the question. Let's talk about that. Yeah, what is it that they have that you don't because There is something there to be learned Anybody who has anything that you want For your life to be added into your lifestyle That is a Sign of what's possible. Mm-hmm. My God use that leverage that it's like a proof of concept right There that that is possible for you to totally and you know, there's nothing new under the sun. You can Take what it is that they have done and Implement that in your life. So use it as you know leverage instead of using it against yourself Totally. Yes, absolutely. I think that that has been a major shift for me instead of like falling down Like it still happens from time to time are like my primitive brain likes to Especially if I'm like already feeling self conscious or insecure about something or if I'm feeling like something's not working That's when my primitive brain likes to like go down this poor me spiral and it's like The shift that has made such a difference for me is Is instead of looking at it as they have it so I can't it's If they can have this so can I so what's my path to getting there and like really put the responsibility back on you Yeah, like what is in my control here? Yeah, what do I have and and for you Owen? It's just making your intentions clear, right? I mean and I do want to just say this in case Owen is listening Owen I Highly respect the fact that you wrote in and asked what am I? Doing wrong you did not you know place blame I don't really hear a huge like victim mentality going on. I hear a lot of like Readiness for the inner work. Yeah, and so that's what we are gonna give you is some thoughts or some prompts to really like Reveal what the narrative is that's keeping you from taking action because Truly that is what was missing in this whole story it was Why you're not making your intentions clear like that's the question that you need to answer and Usually it boils down to an emotion. You're trying to avoid fear of rejection fear of embarrassment or the nervousness of or anxious or anxiety that comes with actually making your intentions clear actually having a conversation like that Actually asking her out. Usually that's what is going on and so clearing that up There's getting really honest with yourself about why you waited or why you didn't make your intentions clear Mm-hmm and how you can leverage this experience and what it is that you've learned from this going forward. Yeah, right? Patience is not a strategy in this case. The good news is is that her friends were in my opinion giving you some Settle signs that she might be interested. I don't think these girlfriends are gonna be asking you about your dating life if There wasn't some reason behind that so there's a strong possibility that this Gal could have been Wanting you to ask her out and maybe she asked her friends about you Who knows but there's also a Really good opportunity waiting for you. You've been invited to her birthday party go to this birthday party and I think that there is no harm in telling her how you feel even if if she is dating somebody and it's a newly It's a new relationship. I don't think it's a problem for him to tell her How is that not a problem? What is he get what is because he's owning his feelings? He's not asked I'm not saying ask her out. Yeah I'm just I think he could say you don't hey I Was hoping to be able to ask you out. I know that You know right after you broke up with your last boyfriend. I know you're seeing somebody now. I Love I've loved getting to know you and I really wanted want to get to know you more I feel like I missed my opportunities. So if the opportunity Presents itself again, you can bet that I will be asking you out something to that effect like I don't think that There's any harm in that and I feel like that's him Almost making good on what he missed out on like he waited too long This is going to ensure that should the opportunity arise He's already given her kind of the heads up And I wouldn't have said that had I not believed that the friends were probably You know like investigating on her behalf in my opinion. I think At this point Like it kind of just puts her in a weird position If you say something like that because she is in a relationship now And if that was the case if she was into him and she was waiting she's gonna piss her off She's gonna be like seriously you waited until Now that I'm in a relationship to tell me this like what the heck what was it was a mistake? I don't think he did wait I think I mean it wasn't intentional. It was a mistake. Yeah, so I don't know. I just don't see any harm in him kind of owning his feelings And I think that there's a way that you can say it where it doesn't come off Sleepy or disrespectful. No, I like how you said it I think if you're gonna say anything that's definitely the way to word it for sure I think you're just better off Doing that ahead of time like you're you're better off Like for everybody listening like this is a great example for why You should make your intentions clear because if you don't somebody else will and I And I'm not saying this to like As a dig to Owen because I do think Like the fact that you even wrote in like it is so telling to your character and like that you do Want to see this change in the future use this As an opportunity to learn and do different the next time. Yeah, I think going back on this Situation like I personally like I would wait until the opportunity is there and then go for it And then be like I was so bummed when I heard that you were in a relationship because I was waiting For the right time. Yeah, in quotes the right time and I totally missed my opportunity like that to me Like especially out of a relationship that didn't work like that to me screams confidence And it's like even if she's not ready for it like right right away If if she ends up breaking up with the sky or they don't last she's gonna be like wow Like that really you're really going to stand out to her in a really great way. Yeah And if you want to take a look at it my advice, it's her birthday and I think that there is no better of a gift than to flatter somebody with all of their great qualities that you might be attracted to. So, yeah, you can, I mean, I've always been flattered when when somebody has told me they're interested, even if I was in a relationship, but also, but also, I've had it happen where it's a friend and I'm in a relationship, a happy relationship that I don't have any intentions of getting out of and then it's like, you don't really know how to navigate it. Like, you don't, unless the person is like super mature and is just wants to put their, just wants to put it out there, but like, sometimes that can make things feel different. Yeah, I can see that. Oh, and one of the things that I think will prevent this from happening again is you staying in the mindset of the chooser. I think waiting is a sign that you were hoping to be chosen and we say this a lot on this podcast that you've got to posture yourself as the chooser. A chooser is not going to be afraid to say something, not be afraid of telling somebody how they feel or asking somebody out because you have your own back. You know what it is you're looking for. You know, it's the right time and you're actually going to take action on it. Even if it doesn't work out the way you had hoped, you stay in that position as the chooser and not waiting to be chosen and losing an opportunity. I don't think she's going to, I don't, I don't think she's actually going to be like mad at you for saying something. Like I wouldn't, I wouldn't necessarily be worried about that. I just like, I want you to use this as a reason to choose differently in the future. I don't want you to use this as like, well, maybe this could be my second chance if I going to say something now. Yeah. You know. Yeah, I think we've covered all basis for him. Yeah. That's all. Thanks for writing an on and keep us in the loop. Yep. All right. Submission two was written in by Jack and it's titled. Did you title this? No, Jack did. Did he? He did. It's titled provocative pickleball submission. I'm a 29 year old consultant from LA who recently moved back to town. I'm coming off of a tough breakup from an eight year relationship where my ex suddenly asked for a break moved across the country and eventually ended things over FaceTime. It's been a difficult process and I've been turning to the dating apps, solo events and new hobbies like surfing beach volleyball and Tracy's favorite pickleball to get back out there. Pickleball started unexpectedly at a super bowl party. A cute girl approached me and a friend asking for advice about a breakup with her boyfriend of three months before Valentine's day. We chatted briefly and that was it out of curiosity and maybe a little impulse. I discovered she teaches pickleball locally and decided to take a class during my first class. She partially recognized me from the party. I played along like I wasn't sure either by the end. We had a brief chat about her teaching and my work and she told me to come back and she didn't charge me for the class. By the second class, she remembered my name. I tried some light playful banter during our group session but her bubbly demeanor made it hard to tell if she was flirting or just being a great instructor. By the third class, we were keeping up the playful banter. She teased me about not having the correct shoes, something she calls everyone out for and I joked that I'd bring them next time. She responded playfully about my promise from before. She mentioned her advanced classes require her approval and before I could ask she told me I could level up to the next class. I also brought up a work pickle ball event and she gave me a quick few tips. I noticed she watched my public Instagram stories which I followed her after our first class. Now I know the classic advice is to just ask her and I will but I have a couple questions about timing and the approach. One, how many classes should I tend to establish familiarity before making a move? Two, how can I test the waters with someone who's naturally bubbly without misreading friendliness for flirtation? And three, what's a smooth way to do it? Considering she usually is surrounded by other students and I don't want to make things awkward. Thank you for your positive podcast and all the guidance you provide. Your perspectives really help men navigate tricky dating situations like this one. Well, he definitely had me at the title. These men know how to get their submissions packed. I love it. What I find most provocative about this submission is the fact that did he really name this provocative? Are you think like tragedy? I don't know. You didn't put that in there? No. Okay. What's provocative about this? Maybe you need to get the definition of provocative. I did not put that in there. The definition of provocative. Provocative describes something that causes a strong, intentional reaction such as anger, annoyance, sexual desire, or deep thought. I don't know why he titled it provocative, pickleball, but something that captured my attention besides the title. Yeah. Was the fact that he said I already know what to do. And he said, and I intend to do that. Yeah. Okay. Why have you waited? At this point in time, it almost sounds like you're asking for permission. You're right. You do know the perfect way or like, and that's just that is a disguise because you're afraid. And that's totally normal. But I believe that you have the capacity to move forward, allow the fear to come along for the ride and ask her out. Everything is clearly aligned for you to do that. So I think when is the perfect time right now? The very next time you see her, she remembers your name. She has watched your stories. She's invited to come back for free. Yeah. Well, didn't charge them and told them to come back to an advanced class. Yeah. It's like she's showing a lot of interest. She's waiting for you to take action. And even if she's like, even if this is like, let's just say this is her being friendly or this is her like just being her at her work, like you coming out confident and and like making your intentions clear is only going to make her have more respect for you. She obviously likes being around you. She wouldn't tell you to come back if she thought you were like weird or creepy or something. Like if she was getting any of those vibes, she would not ask you to come back. She would not keep telling you to go to the girl. She wouldn't tell you to come to the advanced class. She wouldn't like keep making it a point to because like I think about, think about our our pickleball lessons that we did. Like he was a very spunky personality and like talked with everyone was everyone's best friend and like, so there is a level of that that like could be going on here where like she's just doing her job and she's good at it and she knows how to like make people want to come back. But even if that is the case, this is going to give you another level of confidence of like I can I can ask anybody out. I can I can start conversations with anybody. I can like make my intentions clear with anybody and I can also not make it mean something negative about myself or not make it into a huge deal if it's not reciprocated. Like this is for you. You asking her out is for you. And it also makes me question whether or not he's actually feeling ready because he's coming out of I think he said an eight year relationship that ended in a pretty brutal way like over facetime. And I think that that you know rightfully so creates a lot of like hyper vigilant type, you know, where you're questioning, you're waiting for the other shoot fall, you're you're questioning everything. But I'm just wondering if mentally and emotionally, if he's actually ready to even get back into the dating scene. And so I think that's the question like everything that he has said to us in the way he said it makes me think that you know he's got all the green lights. What is truly folding him back and it may be that he hasn't fully processed like the end of this last relationship. And he might just need a little bit more time. And so are you wanting to ask her out because there are a lot of green lights and you're not truly ready is that where the hesitation is coming from? And if that's-- - I always think he's just trying to perfect it. Like he's just trying to know what's the perfect time, what's the perfect thing to say, how should I say it? I think that's also very common. I think it could be a combination of a couple of things too. Like it might not be so black and white. Like you probably do have some hesitation because of your last relationship and that's normal. And you probably also have some hesitation 'cause you're worried about the outcome of this and that's normal. And the only thing that you can control here is the way that you decide to think and feel about it. So you can decide to think like, oh, what if I don't say the perfect thing and I lose my opportunity? Or you can decide, I'm going to do the best with what I have and I'm just gonna make my intentions clear and see what comes of that or see where things go from there. You get to decide what this means and how you move forward. And the best thing you can do is give yourself back that agency instead of looking for the perfect shot at this. Because in Owen's case, waiting around and waiting for the perfect opportunity you're trying to play the long game until there is the perfect time could end with her choosing somebody else. Not even choosing somebody else, just going with the person that asks her first. Like just saying yes to the person that was willing to ask her out. - Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, it makes sense that he's overthinking this because the stakes feel high because he's been hurt. But this isn't a super complicated scenario. It seems like it's ripe for the picking right now. But I would just say that it's ripe if you're ready. - Yeah. - Yeah, and if you are, just don't over complicate it. Like just be honest. Hey, I have been interested since our first class if you don't want to admit that you actually remembered her from the party, which I think also could be kind of a cute way to break the ice a little bit. Like I have to admit something like I totally did remember you. You could take that direction or you could just say, like I have to admit, like I think you're a really interesting person and I'd love to get to know you more over during some time, like something like that. - Yeah. And if you wanna keep pickleball in the mix, you tell her that you're working on your duper score and that a few one-on-one sessions might really help your game and she's already come to you one lesson, pay her for a one-on-one and let that be a super easy way into feeling more and more comfortable with her on a one-to-one basis. And you get to improve your duper score. - You think you should do that before asking her out? - I'm just saying it's another option. - Yeah, I do think like a cute data idea would be for you to learn from her or you to be like, I, all right, like give me your worst, like teach me all the things, like let me be your student for the day. - Or, or if you wanted to flip the tables, you can be like, you can pick something that you're good at and she's never tried. And you can be like, I wanna be the teacher now. Like I wanna try being the teacher or something like that. I think that could be cute too. And kind of playing off of the fact that she's done all this good work for you, now you wanna repair. - Mm-hmm. And what I do know about Pickleball players is that they love to watch good competition. It's probably true with every sport, but how fun would it be to like create a date around a PPA match where you're watching, you know, the pros play and get her like commentary on that, like the armchair quarterback commentary, which would be kind of fun too. So there's so many. - There's so many. - Armchair quarterback? - Yeah, where like a lot of men just sit back and like call the plays or like, you know, like they're screaming out, why didn't you do this? That's called an armchair quarterback. - Oh, okay. - Yeah, I like that. - So, I don't know. - Couple fun ideas for you, Jack. - Yeah, just don't over complicate it. Go with what feels right. If you're feeling ready, I think you should go for it. - Yeah. And thanks for writing in and keep us in the loop. And you know how to title your follow up. - Yeah. (laughs) Hey guys, I have something super exciting to share with you and it's that the Southmaid man dating journal is officially available on Amazon. This journal is designed to help you track, log, and actually learn from your dates. Most guys repeat the same patterns because they never slow down long enough to reflect. This journal will change that for you. It will help you get intentional about how you felt on dates, what worked, and what didn't, and most importantly, what you're learning about yourself and what you want in a future relationship. We've structured this journal for the men that love journaling as well as the men that have never journaled in their life. This dating journal will give you prompts to make it easy to reflect back on your dates. The whole point is to help you spot your mistake patterns faster, build confidence, and make better decisions going forward. So we highly recommend if you want to date intentionally and stop feeling like every date is a guessing game, this is one of the best tools to implement into your dating life. We'll leave the link to the dating journal as well as a special 20% off code for our just ask her listeners in the show notes. All right, let's get back to the show. - Submission three is from Tim, and he says, "Hi, Gracie and Tracy, "much love from Sweden." I think we need to just say Sweden. I love the wholesome pot cast vibes and Gracie's work on social media is great stuff. Your work is worth more than gold. - That's so sweet. - That is sweet. I had an incident the other week. I'll share for my own sanity. Me and a woman at work have been admiring each other from afar for half a year, but never got the opportunity to talk more than just saying hi. We work at the same building complex, but see each other only very occasionally. Last month we got to see each other more often, and I felt like I wanted to get to know her, but I never got a chance to go up to her. Last week I stood at a crossroad waiting for a green light when she stopped a few meters from me. I felt my opportunity. I went up to her with a 100% confidence, looked her in the eyes and opened with, you sure are a hard one to find. It left her surprised and excited with a lot of nervous laughter. She excused herself and asked me to repeat, and I did with the same confidence. After she got back in balance, she asked, "Oh, that means we've seen each other before? Where have we met again?" From nowhere I felt a spike through my body and my confidence shifted. I went into freeze mode and my brain shut down. Seconds later I saw her bike pass me on the other side of the road, and it wasn't before I came home that I realized what happened. Instead of following up on her question, I just left her standing there on the crossroad. (laughs) Oh no, Tim. I believe now a week later that I probably had a minor panic attack. (laughs) Oh no. Oh, this is all out of my control, but I can't recall this happening before. I didn't feel stressed or nervous just determined. Maybe I just mirrored her nervousness. I was off balance with anxiety for a few days before a friend could get me on both feet. I'm waiting for a therapist appointment to understand where this emotion originated and to keep up with some inner work. To the question, I'd like to see her again and explain what happened and to get another chance with her. I think she'd understand an honest explanation, but I think for both of us, I'll just give her space and not confront her for now. My friend thought I'd go old school and write her a letter, but because we don't know each other, that feels far-fetched. I think this will be the letter in that way. Do you think there might be a chance for her to see the situation herself and come around confronting me? Should I go up to her at some point or should I just letter B? All I wanted was to show my best side and ask her out on a date and it feels so sad. I probably left her feeling disappointed, confused, and rejected. So if you get this message, I really liked your energy and I'm sorry for what you might have felt afterwards. - Okay, so we think that last part might be the message you're thinking of sending to her. I'm not totally sure. I'm trying to put myself in her shoes. I was her, I think I would be left very confused. Like if there was this interaction and then all of a sudden you just walked away. - Obviously, it sounds like, you know, he didn't walk away. He froze. (laughing) - Then she walked away. - Yeah. - So do you think he just said he can't remember what he was doing? - Because he just said he can't remember what he was doing. - He just said he can't remember what he was doing. - Yeah. We must have been more or more. - Yeah. We must have been more or less. - Yeah. - Yeah. That's why she probably came off so confused. - Because what did he say to her? - You sure are a hard one to find. - Yeah. I mean, when you read that, I kind of was like, am I missing something? Have they had a conversation before? - In his mind, they probably have. - Yeah. - Like a million times over. - Yeah. Because you guys have seen each other so many times. - Mm-hmm. - Yeah. I do think that maybe she was a little caught off guard. And I also think like it's good that you win in so confident and you're trying to be playful. I really like that aspect of it. And I think that even if you, even if this happens where you kind of miss the mark a little bit or they're not, they're not on the same page as you or they're not picking up like what you're saying, you always can like revert to just like being human again and like leveling with the conversation like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I've seen you at work a million times and we've never actually introduced and I've wanted to. And my name is, and then give her your name. There is no harm in just like being honest, especially in awkward situations. Like you can actually like defuse a lot of situations like this just by like, you know, like being vulnerable for a second and be like, oh my God, I have seen you at work so many times. And I feel like I know you or I feel like we should know one another. Maybe that's that's even a better thing to say. Right. Right. Or like, you know, because I have this in my head too. Like I have a fear of like not recognizing someone or there's been plenty of times that I've completely avoided a conversation altogether because I think I know somebody but I can't remember where I know them from or I think I know somebody but I'm not totally sure if it's them. And I like totally talk myself out of doing it altogether. But this is something that my boyfriend is the exact opposite. The exact opposite. Like he will without fail, he will talk to anybody that he maybe knows. And it's been such an interesting experience having a close up view of that and being like, oh, isn't that interesting? Like he doesn't die when they don't know him. Like nothing actually horrible happens when they don't remember each other or when he doesn't remember where he knows this person from or if he doesn't remember somebody's name, he just asks and it's not a big deal and it's like totally fine. But it's funny how much we play these things up in our head of like, oh, my God, what if I don't know their name or what if they don't remember me or it's like you just remind them. You just tell them. And then we go on about our day and it's not a big deal. This is not the same. But I think a lot of people could relate to crossing paths with a celebrity or somebody that you admire, that is more like celebrity type status or a professional athlete that you admire. And you have an opportunity to maybe say something and your brain completely freezes. And it's like, you're so worried about how you're going to come across or what they're going to think that you most of the people, most people I know don't take the chance. Yeah, they're just like-- Talk to them. Yeah. And so-- I mean, we sat at that conference with Alex Ramozi. Yes. Yeah. Like he walks in and not a single person goes up to talk to him. This is like a business guru that we really admire and watch all of his stuff. And he walked into this amazing business opportunity or this conference where we had this amazing opportunity to talk to him. Like he's literally just standing there and not a single person is going up and introducing themselves. Yeah. Like not a single person is trying to have conversation with him. When he's standing right there and people pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to ask him questions to be in a room of hundreds of people to ask him a question. Yeah. So to have like one-on-one opportunity with him is-- But that is a great example. It just goes to show. So what I want, the whole reason why I'm bringing that up is because Tim, you did take your shot. Yeah. You know, and it was probably similar feelings. I know you said you felt confident, but she probably represented somebody similar in the way that you were thinking about that approach. And so you did it in a confident way. You, because of the stories your brain had told you in regards to their interactions, you felt confident. You felt like it was appropriate to say that. And the reality is that, you know, she maybe recognized you, but the way you said it made her feel like, oh God, should I know you? Should I know you? Yeah. And so it's just an awkward situation, but the good thing about awkward situations is-- They're human and they happen all the time. Well, they lose their power the moment it's over. Yeah. It doesn't have to define or like it doesn't have to define your identity. Yeah. Yeah. Let it go. We all have them. And one of my favorite things is shame can only hide in the dark. And so in situations like this, like you calling it out for what it is, like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Like, I've seen you so many times that I feel like I know you. I work at this place. Like that would have pitched the conversation right back up. It would have given her context. And it probably would have like diffused her anxiety about, oh my God, why don't I recognize this person? And you guys would have picked up the conversation from there. But a lot of times in the moment, our brain just like dramatizes the situation. And so like remind yourself, shame can only hide in the dark. So if you don't let it sit there, like if you just bring it to light and you could just be like, oh my gosh, like, I'm so sorry. And like you just call it out for what it is. Like, I'm just realizing that we actually probably have never talked. I work here. I see you all the time. Like that is a perfectly respectful, responsible response that you can give. And I think I don't think you need to explain anything further than that. No, there is no need. to go into any more explanation and I don't think you need to write a letter. I would just wait until you cross paths again. Yes. And in that moment, you know, if you really want to take your shot, ask her if she can, if she wants to grab coffee. Well, and I would, I just to like redo the, the conversation that was originally had, I would literally call that out. I would literally, and instead of like having it sit between you guys, like it didn't happen, like literally if you come across her again, I would just be like, Hey, I don't know if you remember me, the guy from the other day that like totally froze when, when you responded like you didn't know me. I've seen you here so many times. And I have been meaning to come introduce myself because it feels like we should know each other. And I totally froze. Like I felt like I caught you off guard and then I totally froze. You know, like something like that, just to just to like be really honest and real about like what happened. Again, I don't think you need to go into like all the details of like I think I had a panic attack. Like I don't think you need to say any of that. But I think you can just be honest about this is what happened. And I kind of just froze because I felt like I caught you off guard. Yeah. And sorry about that. I wanted under I wanted to introduce myself. Yeah. Yep. And I think that, you know, that freeze in that moment is just evidence of how much you care. Yeah. So there is so much to him that you are doing right. The fact that you are reaching out for additional support, mental health support, I think is such a like badge of like honor. I don't think enough people recognize the value in doing that. Totally. And better understanding yourself. I think there could be something in your past that maybe working through would shed some light on that biological response that you had. So I think good on you for, you know, doing that inner work and really being self aware. I think, you know, without going into too much explanation, just like Gracie said, like reintroduce yourself, maybe touch on that meeting at the crossroads. I would. I wouldn't just skip over it. Yeah. Yeah. And then we don't need to like don't need to go into the dramatic of it. Just right. Just be very like matter of fact about what happened. Yeah. The best explanation is going to be you showing up warm and confident and vulnerable and shooting your shot. Yeah. I mean, I really think that you should look at this and I'm not saying those to just make you feel better. But I really think you should look at this and feel very proud about the fact that you you were overriding the nervousness that comes with a situation like this. That was the objective of this. Like you went and started the conversation. That is half the battle. Like literally having the courage to just go start the conversation is half the battle. And you did that. You took a step that most people, like including myself, like I said earlier, like I actively avoid situations like this or a have in the past. And so you should feel very proud of yourself for being able to do something like that. And now you know that if worst case scenario happens, you are absolutely going to live through it. And it's going to be okay. And there might even be an opportunity to redo the scenario in the future. And it's just another rep. It's just another experience to show you what you're capable of. Yep. Yep. And now you know what to do. When you see her, like there is no question. You know what to do. Yep. And you know we've got you know you've got us on your team. So let us know how it goes. Exactly. All right. Well, that concludes episode 75. Thanks for listening to just ask her if you got any value from this episode. Please do us a favor and rate or review our podcast. Share it with a friend who you think might need to hear this. And if you're ready for real change in your dating life, come join us inside dating with Gracie. The link is in the show notes and we would love to see you inside of that community. Yeah. Until next time, take care. [BLANK_AUDIO]