how to lock-in so hard your crush dies (metaphorically): limerence, yearning & being delusional

Elisaalta kesään kukkeimat samsunget. Kalaksi asaria. Voimi omasi edullisesti. Nyt elisa myymälöissä ja elisa pistefi. Hei täällä hän onkin vanhoja juomatuttuja, Marianne. Ei, olen koskaan nähtiin. Eikö, no keitetä sitten ootte. Me olemme tutus, Jomi. Jaa, no mistä te tuutta sitten. No, S-marketista tietysti. Elämä on ruokaa. S-market. Se on koko ajan, että se on koko ajan, että se on koko ajan. Ja se on koko ajan, että se on koko ajan, että se on koko ajan. Ei jäällä, että se on koko ajan, että se on koko ajan. Se on koko ajan. Se on koko ajan, että se on koko ajan. Hei, Angel's baddiesin. Välkeen minkään. En Ambera Killa. En jää koko ajan, että se on koko ajan, että se on koko ajan, että se on koko ajan. Tämä on koko ajan, että Ambera Killa. suawalla äelä dehääまで toivottavuiden videon suorestamisen. Se on eri matcairin, vistai pythel міsqueen. Eng泡ainen kunsi, Hyungdуosi. Umänhti pleit ei ole tai haluaneet hisättävätまあ parempi. Vmäntä dopamine teille готовi idea, että teen näkyntenseksi vasiikan voi vilkindääningia! Pandemie- empiruонаJ37ivダira videumalla seサv好不好uus. V chceme täältä muktaan viimeinen video k forms distributing dominantaisia k kindtia van takat說 daarallista ja niistä ei kustani About Santana haluaa saadaan älä thanked destin täysin se on enem Taxi - sitten t będę Мнеi olla jokin edes dessuslla teille Чтобы ruvan kannonna'sasia t протtiä. smoothlyensääme applyingationallistas ja g topumpu hearing. omatta täällä sanotasiaan endlessen ollaan geluista. kswelt muchas bloitt carpetuus ja siis. cửan Franken kuulannut Значит, josta pitämään toivon hö�ti,. juntaminen yhdistäm勢äsi tai tai ngel future myös rushing, paljoittana loudly golisettavata noin kuten, että että civalia ei tekee kuumutko tyykkäko inhabitasta mitään row kommen generatinga. jä jota todella on jo jouttoa tweakaa rainingja tällä akkuista muista - voi sitä likstedt. L relaxedasta matkaista vai sitä kummavatamme kannalioon-, joita on ole kaikkikoinael elmirita, että itse dus tavastaburstam проiden Babakotuloa, ja imperialistaa sam性iticii! Ja se on kuten, että mien ajattelijat on vahdu, että mien ajattelijat on jo jatkeen, että mien ajattelijat on jatkeen, että mien ajattelijat on jo jatkeen, että mien ajattelijat on jo jatkeen, ja mien ajattelijat on jo jatkeen, että mien ajattelijat on jo jatkeen, että mien ajattelijat on jo jatkeen, That we can let someone go in a way that's like okay, I'm acknowledging that this is what's best for me and actually what's best for them because for us to be in a dynamic where we're forcing it just because we feel this false sense of obligation towards each other or towards things that we've promised that are no longer really authentic for us that is not loved being able to consider another person's reality. Also being true to your reality and the reality that you want to create for yourself and acknowledging that someone else has that right as well even when it conflicts with yours. Don't take anything that I say personally, whatever it kicks up for you, journal about it and there were some parallels and some of the questions as well, which I'll kind of group together. Here we go! Hey love, I just watched your "Limorans R2D Centering" video, it literally stopped me in my tracks, how accurate it was my situation. I'm the late Bluma very sheltered as a kid, it turned out to be an undesirable from high school to college because of low self confidence because I didn't mind because I'm ambitious. After COVID I got even more anti-social but of course as I'm getting older I had stints where I'd go on dating apps for experience for like two to three months and if nothing fruitful comes from it I give it a break for a year. Recently I had liked someone and was talking to for a good three months we finally managed to go on a date. It was good but I could just tell I wasn't fully ready to be on it. I was anxious, overshared, didn't know what to say or ask and would even make it awkward when he would try to open the door for me. All this goes to say that he still enjoyed me but even after all that the story that I had in my head where his behavior should have been different if he was genuinely interested, made it to where he stopped communicating altogether. I'm not sad but I definitely see why I went wrong. I want to be more sure of myself and confident whenever I try again but TLDR, how do you go about dating for the first time confidently without centering men and letting limmerants ruin everything? I feel like, do you guys even know what limmerants is? You're being way too hard on yourself. Limmerants is an involuntary state of intense romantic infatuation obsession and emotional dependency on another person, the limmerant object. It is characterized by intrusive thoughts, idealization of the person and desperate longing for reciprocation often driven by uncertainty, being anxiety and a feeling of being addicted to the person. Limmerants versus love unlike mature love which is built on mutual trust and stability, limmerants is primarily self-focused, intense desire to be desired, while love aims for a long-term connection, limmerants often focuses on the fantasy and uncertainty of the relationship. The stages of limmerants, infatuation, the initial intense attraction and falling for the person, crystallization, the height of the obsession where the person is idealized, deterioration, the phase where obsession fades, either through fading feelings, realization of reality or reciprocation. Oh, so when they like you back. (laughs) Limmerants is often linked to underlying issues like anxiety, low self-esteem or past trauma, it can significantly impact daily functioning. Okay, so it's different from love or lust in that it's based on the uncertainty that the person you desire also desires you. So since limmerants is the desire to be desired, it is a cognitive experience as well as a physical and an emotional one. As the focus of limmerants is whether or not the object of desire reciprocates the feelings rather than actually falling in love with the person and it is almost always one-sided. So I think we need to also distinguish limmerants from a crush, you know? Like sometimes you just have a crush and it's not that deep. Limmerance is intense in voluntary, often distressing state of obsessive infatuation, characterized by a desperate need for reciprocation and intrusive thoughts about the limmerant object. A crush is a light, enjoyable and fleeting admiration that does not take over one's life. So a crush is generally a positive, manageable and temporary feeling. Limmerance is a severe level 10 obsession that can cause extreme emotional highs and lows, functioning more like an addiction than a healthy attraction. A crush having, you know, positive feelings about someone and a fan to see about someone, that's just part of life. You don't have to be so hard on yourself. And I think that was something that I saw in the comments I was getting. People were like, you know, I've been de-centering man focusing on myself, being hot and having fun and suddenly I have a crush on someone who I don't think makes sense for me to be in a relationship with or for me to act on. Now I'm tweaking out and it's like, you're allowed to just have a crush, you know? Like you have these stable pillars of your life. You meet someone, you think they're cute, hihihaha, maybe you flirt, maybe you don't, maybe you imagine what it might be like to date them, what it be with them. And the more you learn about this person, the less interesting they become, a crush being a lack of information. It just is what it is. Maybe something happens, maybe something doesn't. And you still maintain like the pillars of your life. Hot girl habits, non-negotiable hobby, making sure you practice gratitude, making sure that you're making some kind of positive contribution to the world around you where possible. There's nothing wrong with you just because you find a man attractive. That's okay, but it doesn't mean that every time you find a man attractive, that has to mean something or that it has to go somewhere. I think that it's also important to reframe like sexual energy as a subset of creative energy. Between the spectrum of crush and limerence, this space in between. When you have a crush, if it's a lack of information, I would say that limerence is when you become overly attached to the fantasy that you create. Because if you were actually like dating, then there would be markers in reality and you would be able to contextualize like how well you actually know this person. When you are just focusing on very superficial level interactions like, oh, he liked my story. Oh, he said hello to me. Oh, we made eye contact. You are creating a story in your mind about who this person is and what your relationship is. It's a fantasy. It's not rooted in reality, okay? Recognizing that that's creative energy. That's why I talk about being able to observe your thoughts, being able to have creative hobbies because, firstly, you can observe where your energy is going. And then you can redirect it towards productive creative expression. When you have creative practices that you do for yourself that you do just for the sake of it, for the love of the game, or for your job or whatever and it's enjoyable, then you experience the application of your creative energy in a self generating self validating way. And when you misdirect it to a crush and making up stories in your head, then that's a misdirection. It doesn't mean that you can't just enjoy the crush while it lasts, but you don't need to place so much importance on it as being like a source of your self-worth or like of your excitement. If you have other exciting things going on in your life, this imaginary story you have in your head not going to be that exciting. If you don't actually know this person that well and it takes a long time to know someone, okay? One thing that I learned from my ex is that he said he thinks it takes at least a year to get a full picture of who somebody is. You need to see someone through every season. If you haven't known this person for at least a year and been in contact on a regular basis, you don't really know them. And even then you don't know them because everything is changing all the time, you are your own expansive well of self discovery. Each person is on that journey, so our ability to even communicate who we really are to the people around us is limited as well, okay? So don't feel like there is a point where you truly know someone, but maybe you know enough to be like, okay, this is interesting to me. This is not interesting to me. Okay, so if you don't know them that well, then maybe you've just projected or assumed that they have some kind of trait that you actually want to have for yourself, that you're working on for yourself or that you wish that you had. I think especially for women that are like ambitious and are career driven, sometimes the man just has a job or has some kind of lifestyle that you also aspire to. Okay, you're on the path to figuring out how to do that for yourself. And you think that if you are associated with this man or if he validates you in some way, that validates your desire or your drive to pursue the things that you want to pursue or you think proximity to him will help you to like learn something or give you access to something. And I would say that most of the time, that's not actually what's going to happen like in my experience. It's much better to work with men when they see you as an equal, not as like an underling, okay? Because then you're going to put yourself in a position where you feel like you owe them something. It might be the longer path to work for it on your own and to be treated like an equal, but it is definitely more rewarding and puts you in a more secure position long term. People can't hold favors over your head when there's proof that you are capable of doing the thing that you've been hired for that you're working on. I remember when I was in my 20s, one of my friends, she was so obsessed with this guy because they were from the same place, he was a few years older, he had like a cool job and he was kind of like a social butterfly as well, he knew everybody, he knew like cool people or whatever and I think they had like a very brief thing and she was obsessed with him like she would. Aloita Ilmainen Kokeilu Shopify Piste Komsivustolla. Fly to meet him instead of him inviting her to meet up and he didn't even treat her that well. I was really shocked at the way that he treated her, the way that he spoke to her. I would tell her like you don't even know him and he's not even that nice to you so how can you like someone who treats you so poorly? It's just because you want to be like him, you know, like if you keep doing what you're doing, you're going to have a much cooler life than him, okay? Because you're younger than him, he's already like in his 30s or whatever. You don't need his approval to validate what you want to do. It was so funny because now she's literally engaged to somebody else who treats her extremely well. I was at an event in Shanghai a few months ago, he was at the same event and she must have seen social media posts or something of us like being at the same event and she sent something to me and she was like oh my god, do you remember blah blah blah blah and I was like yeah one of our mutual friends said that he has crack at energy like he is not like he's just crazy how your perspective of someone changes from being in your 20s into your 30s, you know? If you're in your 20s and you're like longing or yearning for some guy who's like in his 30s trust me in a few years time whatever he's doing is not going to seem that cool to you anymore, okay? Maybe it won't even take you years just a few months. Sometimes it's just that you want to be like them or you want proximity to the things that they have and take that as a sign that you need to keep working on it for yourself that you're going to get there. It might be more difficult but it's going to be so much more rewarding when you've earned it for yourself. That is something that people cannot alienate from you or hold over your head. I've even been in situations where I've dated guys and we've worked together. I thought I was going to learn something from them all I learned was what not to do all I learned was that I've completely underestimated my own ability. I didn't even need them to begin with like I could have just done it myself. If anything they got in the way so never assume that a man is more capable than you, okay? He just had it easier maybe because he's a man but women we that girly pubs we get to keep it going, okay? That's what decentering man is about because I think when you prioritize male attention and the illusion of a romantic relationship being able to solve all your problems in life without you having to be like an active participant in it, you assume that any attention that a man gives you, you need to act on any request and then makes for your time and your energy you have to do something about it, you are obligated but you're not obligated actually. Like you can ask yourself like what do I get out of this interaction because men don't come to you without thinking about what they're getting out of it. They don't know if you think you're going to get anything out of it or not but as soon as you engage with him there's the assumption that you believe that you're getting something out of it, okay? Because he's going in with that mindset, men don't go out of their way for other people unless there's something that they get out of it. Even if it's just a stroke to their ego when it's not anything particularly material they're thinking about what they get out of it. And as soon as they realize they're not getting anything out of something they did. So they could be one week, two weeks, three months, three years, 30 years into something and then they wake up one day and decide you know what I'm not getting what I want out of this anymore, they're out the door, okay? Or they're starting to put their eggs in other baskets. And that's how you need to think too. If you're a woman who's dealing with people pleasing, who's being to pick me, shall you already know what it means to give beyond your means. So you pulling back a little bit doesn't mean that you suddenly become a man because men need to actually learn to love and to give from a place of generosity. Women need to learn to give to themselves generously. And obviously this is a generalization but it's like an old philosophical way of seeing how the journey of people generally from male and female to who life is. Men need to learn to love others and women need to learn to love themselves. So this is kind of similar to this situation that I was described. Similar sentiment here responding to your love less than loading Q&A. My question is no matter how much content I consume and work I do with myself about desentering men. I find that whenever I find myself lacking a man, all that work disappears and I start behaving desperately, not always visibly showing it but it's inside me. I start falling into limerence and romanticizing everything. Even when I know the man is not good for me and not really good at all, has displayed a bunch of red flags, has not treated me with respect. We didn't even have that greater connection, etc, etc. It's like the pick me inside of me is summoned and it returns with a vengeance. I like to think I'm a very independent person and I genuinely do love being alone and in my own company. But when a guy comes around that I'm remotely attracted to, the patheticness is activated. I know I have a lot of deep in a work to do because there's definitely some daddy issues present and I tend to obsess over men that I know I can't have, emotionally unavailable overseas, etc. I was basically in a no dating phase for three years because I was genuinely so put off by men after my last situation with a narcissistic demon. And since then I have found your content. Other creators and just other people sharing their stories online really helpful and I feel this content plus what I experience in the last situation ship has improved my pattern recognition when it comes to men. The past three years I've genuinely just focused on myself and my life tried to be hot whilst having fun as much as I could and I have been, life has been so good was not interested in men until I met someone literally by chance on the street a couple of months ago and I feel like as much as I try to be rational about everything my brain won't stop romanticizing the positives whilst being in denial about the negatives and what's really mostly negatives. I know in your recent video you said pick me as always inside us and I guess my question is how do I shut the pick me up? When deep down I'm yearning for connection and love with a man because unfortunately I'm attracted to men especially when I know they're not the one for me. I also just sort of ticked out the other day of a woman explaining that if you're stuck in limmerance about a man that's actually your sign that he possesses something slash a quality you want and don't have you to see the focus on that would be interested in hearing your thoughts about this. So I've said before like awareness is a privilege because it means that you can start being intentional in the way that you redirect your attention. So if you can describe the way that you're feeling and the direction of your thoughts that means you can redirect them and that takes time and effort. Okay so that's why I talk about meditation so I talk about journaling and thought dumping because in these practices you are observing your thoughts and you're learning to detach from them. It doesn't mean that there aren't going to be thoughts that come up that you want to attach to more than others but having these practices in your day to day, week to week is what's going to help you you to build that muscle. Okay. No amount of consuming content and reading books and talking to your therapist is going to build that muscle for you because only you have control. Okay. That is locked behind a door that those external things don't have access to. You actually have to sit with yourself, observe the thought redirect them or observe the feeling and just sit with the feeling without feeling like you have to respond to it or that someone has to be there to relieve you. And you are fighting against a billion trillion dollar business that doesn't want you to do that. Okay. So I'm not saying that this is going to be easy, but I'm saying it's necessary and it's actually the only way to move forward in my experience. So it's not about like eliminating the triggers or like isolating yourself from triggers. It's about setting aside time in your day to day routine to build that muscle of being able to observe your thoughts, observe your feelings and sit with them without feeling like you need immediate relief. Okay. This is how you deal with overcoming addiction. This is how you deal with negative thought patterns and patterns of behavior. I think two books that we'll speak to this is like atomic habits and also stolen focus. I'm going to do a future video about this book that I'm currently rereading and it talks about the way that your attention is always being hijacked. So this is a tangent, but like getting into a flow state. I feel like when you have practices in your life that allow you to enter a flow state, this is a very generative form of activity because it puts you in deep focus. And there's the illusion of a flow state that comes with scrolling on the internet watching content or even being in love, you know, like when you have these hormonal responses to being with certain people and you lose sense of time, that feels like a flow state as well. But that's not like generated from within you. Okay. That's from the chemical reaction between the two of you engaging. And there's nothing wrong with that. But you can't assume that that flow state is the same as like different qualities of flow state and you want to have a balance of these things. Journal to yourself about how you feel about these people that trigger your obsessive thoughts. And even for me, like I've been doing it journal in practice for maybe five years, I will still try to talk myself out of sitting down and writing how I feel or what I'm thinking because it's confronting and it's like stressful to have to confront yourself. You just want to be able to like not deal with it. And I don't journal as often as I used to. Like I, I was doing it like every day for I think one or two years and now I just do it like a few times a week. But even then knowing how beneficial it is to me, I still have resistance around doing it. But I know that doing it is better than not doing it. I think also writing an earclist like you've noticed that there's red flags, you've noticed that they possess qualities that you don't want in a partner. You need to write that down and give yourself the IK. He was like rude or I didn't like the way that he didn't follow up on communication. I don't like the way that he is careless with X, Y, Z. And make sure that you are intentionally embodying qualities that you would want someone that, you know, you're in a relationship with to have. And not even just in a relationship. I think most importantly learning to be a good friend to yourself and a good friend to others. That is the basis of any healthy relationship regardless of the context. And I think that when you have friends that embody qualities that you respect and that you admire and you are also working on embodying qualities that you respect and admire, when you meet people that don't do those things, you just naturally won't be interested in them regardless of the context. Because I think that, you know, when you are prone to being in crushes and limerence, it means that you're kind of in this like in between space with your own identity. There are things that you want to do, but you haven't yet fully stepped into. There are things that you're trying to avoid, but you still kind of entertain. So you need to lock in. And it takes time to be consistent and to accumulate enough experience to have enough data points to feel like you're really embodying something and you know how you embody something is going to evolve and change over time. But trust me, if you do things consistently enough, if you gas yourself up, if you give yourself the eak for things that you don't like, one day you will wake up or you will be asked something or something will be requested of you. And your immediate response will be different to what it was a year ago, two years ago, three years ago. And you have to trust that that day is on the way, okay? You might, it might feel like a distant possibility to you now, but it's coming because the more you do it, the closer it comes, the more you avoid it, the further away it goes. So trust that like, you know, building confidence and self-esteem, that takes time. You are used to having an insecure response to something, remind yourself of what a secure person would do whenever you feel insecure and make that choice. And then over time, you're training that mental muscle, you're rewiring your brain to automatically go for what a confident person would do and then one day you wake up and you're like, wow, I had a response that was completely different to the version of myself that I was trying to grow from. And yay for you. Speak to therapists about it. Go into your subconscious with a trained professional and rework, rewire any responses or to better understand what experiences you've had that have created responses to triggers that you want to change. Thank you for watching this video. I decided to split the video up and I'm going to have to release everything like bit by bit over the next week or so because it was just getting too much. But yeah, I hope that this was helpful. Let me know what you thought of the video. Thank you so much for subscribing and commenting and messaging me and letting me know what resonates. Let me know about the in-video captions as well, experimenting with that. And yeah, I wish you love, I wish you peace, I wish you happy Valentine's Day, whether you observe or not, I wish you hot and have fun. And yeah, I love you lots and I'll speak to you soon. Olen Shannon Maldonado. The artisan society is now developing a new generation of people. Valentine's Day is a very important and interesting event for the world to be held in the future. We've been working hard to get the opportunity to get the opportunity to work together. All of the things that you've been working on, including the artisan society, are in the dashboard of the world. The artisan society is a very common part of the world. The world's most famous artistes are the three of them, who are the most important in the world. They are also very important in the world, because it's hard to undergo any already trained technicians possible. From the Mexa Front ground, and the B지�унathers line on the ground was made under the same paper, it has become a kind of jobc - in our region and fly over. We still do what we want in these 마음s. Aloyo�ie,jalGrins, Schofi Fijpiste.com