How to Heal Your Trust Issues

Hello, Daddy Gang. Welcome back to another Sunday session, but more importantly, it is Football Sunday. Do you see this dramatic outfit that I have on? I just want to be so clear, there's about to be so much drama in the Cooper Kaplan household today. It is Eagles versus Rams, okay? And this year, this year the stakes are just a little bit higher because we obviously have a new member that will be entering the family. And this child, this baby, we're trying to figure out, is this baby going to be an Eagles or a Rams fan, okay? If Matt has anything to say about it, Rams through and through, okay? The baby's wearing blue. If the Coopers have anything to say about it, fly Eagles fly. E-A-G-L-E-S, Eagles, okay? So yeah, so today it's going to be a very heated situation. Both sides of our family are coming over to watch the game. It's definitely going to be a shit show. Because we're a lot of big shit talkers. I will say every single touchdown scored, it's going to just be a justification for which team our child needs to be repping, okay? And Matt, if you're watching this, which you should be because you need to support your wife and you watch all my episodes, right? I just have to say this. Have you bought a Rams onesie yet for our child? I didn't think so. I didn't think so, Matt. Also, shout out to Aaron Andrews. Because after I interviewed her, she literally, all of, everything I'm wearing is from Aaron Andrews. I, listen, I have Eagles gear. But when she gave me this little number, I said, Matt is going to hate this. And I'm going to love it so much. Okay. Honestly, let me just say something. Now, you guys know, I guess I like sports, obviously. But I love the Eagles. And let me just say, the Eagles performance last week was so horrific. So I'm just going to pray that they have like a little bit of a better showing this week. So they don't get a little bit of a bad show. So they don't completely embarrass me. And I'm not just like showing up here in a full windbreaker. Just like repping my team. And they just lose horribly. Eagles fans, can you please show up in the comments so that we wipe out the Rams fans. E-A-G-L-E-S. Eagles, let's just like get it going in the comments. Now that we've got the Eagles out of our system, I want to talk about the relationship that changed you today. And no, I don't necessarily mean your first love or the person. You thought you were going to marry. I want to talk about the relationship that changed the trajectory of every relationship that came after that for you. So maybe they cheated on you. Maybe they were an incredible liar. Maybe you spent months hearing. No, babe, she's she's just a friend. Only to eventually find out that she was very much not just a friend. Speaking from personal experience. Or maybe it wasn't one huge. Betrayal, right? Maybe it was years of inconsistencies and half truths and moments where something just didn't feel right. But every single time you questioned it, somehow you ended up being called the crazy one. And then eventually maybe you got out and you blocked them. You moved away. You cried over it to your friends. You went to therapy and you moved on. Except did you? Did you? Is the real question today. Today, I want to talk about the relationship that gave you trust issues, because even when that relationship ends, the truth is the version of you who learned how to survive that dynamic is still living and breathing and follows you into your next relationships. You start dating someone new and they're doing everything right. But you're sitting across from them while they're on their phone and your eyes start switching and you're like, who are they texting? Oh, like, why did they just put their? face down why haven't they responded to me in an hour when I just completely saw them active on Instagram so they must be lying and and why were they being so nice tonight like what is the catch like are they hiding something daddy gang I want you to know I'm coming into this episode fully having lived this this was my life and as lovely and healthy as my marriage is now trust issues have been a huge part of my dating history and honestly some of those old patterns even showed up in the beginning of my relationship with my husband throughout my relationships I admit I have done it all I have gone through phones I have interrogated I've gotten the Instagram password it's so much harder than it seems I've hacked the system before and I'm not proud of it but it is the truth of what I experience and I know there's a lot of people watching who have also done the same and when you have been there you you know how far you can take it if anything like sometimes you're like god I'm good like I am talking about you are calculating how long someone has been active on Instagram versus how long it took them to text you back and then I'm talking about intentionally sitting across from someone where there is a mirror behind them so that you can see what they're doing on their phone through the reflection of the mirror or maybe it's the glasses right but here's something I understand now that I really could have never understood back then which is I wasn't born knowing how to do this none of us were born knowing how to do this we learned how to do it and for me there was one relationship in particular that really ingrained this in me and influenced me um this was one of my first like really really serious relationships I really thought that I was in love with this person and I do believe I was um for what I was capable of understanding of love at the time right and when I got into this relationship almost immediately there was a power imbalance he was a little bit older than me he was always busier he was less available and pretty quickly I learned that being in a relationship with this guy meant that my nervous system was constantly gonna just be all over the place and if he didn't text me back I would go on Facebook throwback um I would see he's active on Facebook and I would immediately get a pit in my stomach so I would be like refreshing the page refreshing the page looking at chat and then maybe I would post something hoping that he would see it right maybe he'd finally message me because he saw that I posted a cute picture or a new album or I posted something on my wall and then if he did message me immediately I would get relief okay he still likes me we're good that was only the half of it in this relationship dynamic there were so many red flags and and one of them was like his stories just didn't add up and I'd always feel like something was wrong and so understandably I would ask him about it I would just be like hey this doesn't really make sense whenever I did that he would make me feel crazy and he would say things to me like I was suffocating him or I'm paranoid or I don't trust him and I'm ruining our relationship and so naturally especially with this power imbalance and this age gap and all of it like I would feel insecure and I would start to feel guilty and so I inevitably would apologize and I would pull back and I would convince myself like shit like maybe I am crazy like I'm just acting young this is embarrassing I need to stop I remember one situation so clearly that I'm going to share today um so when I met him he was friends with his ex and his explanation always I mean it made sense on paper right like okay they had the same friend group and everyone hung out together and it would be weird if everyone had to pick sides and they couldn't be at the same places anymore so like they've just kind of like stayed amicable and they're all in the same friend group and honestly when I met him I was completely fine with that but then whenever we were all together I would notice these tiny things and I would say like I don't know I don't any things that anyone would notice they would kind of linger at the house parties or at the bar and they would talk longer than everyone else or they would always kind of like seclude themselves in moments and there was just this energy between them that understandably made me think wait is this actually just two exes being amicable or are you guys secretly enjoying this a little too much and every time I brought this up to him he made me feel like I was insane not only was I jealous and I so paranoid but now I was apparently threatening the entire friend group he had convinced me like the conversation would quickly become everyone's gonna hate you if you keep making this such a thing you're making it so awkward on everyone why are you being so insecure like it's not like that and because I already felt like an outsider coming into his group of friends and he was older than me I then had nothing left to do but just question myself because what I'm gonna lose him no I had to like be like okay maybe it is me maybe I am being dramatic maybe I'm seeing something that isn't there maybe I just need to chill out and then one night one stormy night um there was a party and I was on the phone with him and he told me that he was tired he was gonna stay and he wasn't gonna go to the party and so I decided okay I'm gonna stay into like you know since my boyfriend's not going I'm not gonna go to the party and it was mostly his friends and at the time one of my good friends that I made in that friend group ended up calling me and convincing me that don't just stay home because your boy boyfriend is not coming. Like, come to the party. Come with me. Like, let's have a girls night. It's going to be so fun. And so I said, OK, great. Daddy gang, I walked into this party and I will never forget it. It's a house party. I walk in. And immediately I look like into the living room and he's sitting on like a lounge chair and his ex is sitting on his lap and they're like in each other's faces, fully flirting, staring into each other's eyes, having like a complete alone moment. And there is me. It's like this scene from Tell Me Lies. Like I felt like Lucy in the fucking movie. And I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Coconut bra. I'm like such an idiot. I like dressed all cute. I think I had like a little like denim mini skirt on with a tube top and my fucking straightened hair. And I just froze. Because suddenly every little thing I had been noticing was right in front of me. I was not imagining it. I was not crazy. He had literally lied to me. This man was supposed to be in his pajamas watching like Seinfeld with his dad. And meanwhile, he is fully at this party, hanging out with his ex on his lap, probably with his dick hard. And so after I am staring at them, like blinking multiple times, like capturing this in my head, seeing them plain and clear, I just stormed out of the house and he saw me and everyone saw me and he followed me outside of the house. And instead of saying, I am so sorry, this man proceeded to scream at me. He is in my face screaming at me. And he started saying things like, you're so fucking insane. Why would you show up to this party? You're like stalking me. And now I was apparently the one that caused the scene to the point where the argument also got so heated that other people came outside and had to intervene and tell him like to stop screaming at me. And it was so, I was so mortified. I was so embarrassed. I remember just being completely frozen. Like my words couldn't, I didn't even know what to say because somehow even after seeing this with my own eyes, he was so committed to convincing me that I was the problem. And, and I was like a weird stalker and it was weird that I showed up and like, I'm obsessed with him and his friend group and I'm standing there and I literally start questioning. What I had just witnessed. And I'm thinking like, was I overreacting? Like maybe it wasn't like sexual that she was sitting on his lap. And it's like, no, Alex, his ex-girlfriend who he has been inside of is on his lap. He lied to you. This man told you he wasn't coming to the party to make sure that you were not the party. And then I'm, and then I'm feeling like an idiot. I'm realizing, oh my God, his friends knew more than they'd ever let on. But obviously they're his friends. They're not going to tell me. Yeah. So now it's like, okay, now it's not that I just can't trust him. I also felt like I couldn't trust the entire environment around me. And I just felt so suffocated and I felt like an idiot. And I literally, I think the most messed up part, to be honest, when I look back at this girl and I can't relate to her, but I empathize with her is like, eventually he talked his way back in. But something I think, when I think back to that young girl who was going through this, like something had changed in me because now my brain had tangible proof. And it was like, I had the gut feeling. Everyone told me the feeling was wrong. And I think once I decided to take him back, it's like, I stopped listening to myself. I stopped trusting myself, even though I was right the whole time. And that was so sad. It's almost like in that moment when everyone's staring at me, I had a decision to make of whether to like be the fucking boss bitch to be like, go fuck yourself. I'm leaving or stay. And I stayed. And so I stayed. And then the next time that I had that feeling with him, of course, I investigated it. Right. But this is where I think we have to understand something that is really important about understanding trust issues. It's like, sometimes hypervigilance develops because at one point, the hypervigilance worked, right? Every time I went looking and found something, my brain got another piece of evidence of like, see, good thing you checked. And every time I ignored my gut and then later found out that he lied, I was like, see, this is why you never let your guard down. And slowly, I was training my brain and my body to watch and observe and to analyze and to anticipate and to never get caught off guard because getting caught off guard hurts and it's embarrassing and it makes you look like an idiot. So even if I take him back, it's like, yeah, but I knew, but I knew, but like we worked it out. But like I, that I knew. And I also think it's important to recognize like it wasn't miserable all the time. Right. I think every girl can relate to this. Like it's important to know. Because these relationships, if they were just horrible every second of the freaking day, most of us would probably not stay in them. There were moments that felt so incredible with this person. Like, yes, I would confront him. Yes, we would fight. And then one of us would apologize, usually me. And then we would have this amazing night and he would make me feel so loved and chosen and like nothing else in the world could possibly compare to what we had until the cycle started over again. And at the time, I think, you know, I thought that was love. And I thought the intensity meant that we just had this insane connection. But when someone repeatedly takes away your sense of security and then gives it back to you, getting it back can feel so incredible. You can become addicted to the relief you experience when the person you're seeing temporarily stops treating you so horribly. And you're like, oh, it's I feel better now. And then, oh, my God, I don't feel good anymore because I'm feeling triggered. And I think my trust issues are flaring up. And oh, my God, we made up even though I just caught him cheating. But like, we're back and it's going to be different this time. And so this this cycle that my nervous system started to get used to, all of this was just a lot. But I was in love and I put up with a lot and eventually I got out. But I will be honest, it literally took me physically leaving the state to get away from this person. I went to college in Boston, and I remember I got there for preseason for soccer and we were talking on the phone, we were texting. But then suddenly I just was busy and there was distance between us and I couldn't spend the entire day obsessing over what he was doing and stalking his social media. And so slowly, without even like fully realizing it, the hold that that relationship had on me started to loosen, or at least I thought it did, because. I think here's the sad part. Yes, I left him in that relationship in Pennsylvania, but I brought everything that that relationship had taught me to Boston. And without consciously realizing it, I started seeking out relationships that felt like the one I had just escaped. I found men in Boston who would just reactivate all of my trust issues. And because it was exactly what I wanted, I was able to get them to come to me. And I was able to get them to come to me. And because it was exactly what I understood and I knew it was my first love. So I thought this is what it is, right? And I think here's where it kind of gets interesting for any of my girls who've been through this, because I then also dated a guy who wasn't like that at all. So my freshman year of college, I started dating this hockey player and going into it, I immediately thought, oh my God, this guy is going to be exactly what I'm used to. I can my brain obviously is like, there is no way this man is trustworthy. Except he was. This guy could not have been a better guy. Couldn't have been nicer. We would literally go out to the bars. He would tell me exactly his plans, where he was going, what his friends and him were doing. Invite me and my friends. He would show up on time. He would buy everyone drinks. He wasn't flirting with other girls. He would even wait so that we could all leave together. Make sure we all got home safe. Even my friends like daddy gang, this was, literally every girl's dream college boyfriend. And instead of enjoying it, I started convincing myself, this can't be real. This has to be fake. There has to be something like no one's this nice. No guy is this honest. There has to be something I'm missing. I've lived this before. He's also a hockey player. There's no fucking way he's actually being honest. And I had no real concrete evidence. And so what did I do? I do. sometimes we would be drinking and I would pick a fight and I would say something like well I saw you talking to the other girl across the bar and he'd be like Alex I genuinely don't know what you're talking about like that is my friend's girlfriend like it's nothing but I realized when I look back that I kept trying to pull him into this dynamic that I understood and then understandably eventually he was so exhausted by it and the hardest part too when I look back is like everyone around me could see it my friends were like Alex what are you doing why are you doing this to yourself like he's so into you and I think somewhere inside of me like I knew that too I knew he was a good guy I knew he really cared about me but eventually I ended up breaking up with him because I think the guilt became so overwhelming I became self-aware enough to realize like this is so unfair to this man I'm basically torturing this man and then I had to watch him move on with someone else and treat her perfectly and that really hurt because I could see by him treating her so well there was a part of me thinking like why why couldn't I enjoy that why couldn't I have enjoyed the peace when I had it and then I'm like oh because I'm so fucked up from my first ex that fucked my whole head up that I don't believe that anything any man is going to tell me is the truth because why would I right at that point in my life I genuinely believed there there had to be ulterior motives with a guy and I think there was another piece of it that was even harder for me to admit which is sick but it's like a part of me wanted him to do the dance with me I wanted the friction I wanted to fight and question and get into these arguments and then you know have this incredible relief of making up and coming back together because again that's what I knew as love and when he wouldn't do that with me I got bored and so what did I end up doing um I eventually moved on and I found someone who was a professional at giving me trust issues let me just put it this way if my high school boyfriend was like in the minor leagues when I tell you the man that I ended up seeing in Boston he was in the major leagues literally and figuratively of triggering my trust issues okay I remember meeting this man and being like oh my god we're back baby this is this feels incredible this feels incredible the rush is back I'm alive again it's like no you dumb bitch you're about to get fucked up again but it was like I really really really confused intensity in a relationship with intimacy again because how could I not my first formative relationship was just that and to be really clear also I'm not saying that if you're attracted to someone toxic it's because you secretly you know enjoy being treated badly no what I'm saying is our brains learn patterns and familiar doesn't always mean healthy but sometimes familiar just means I have been here before so I know what to do that's why for me it took a lot of time eventually after enough games and tears and heartbreak I was like I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this and honestly just like growing up I think I literally just got tired I was like I'm tired what is that quote from holes grandpa I'm tired like I don't want to do this anymore and the rush wasn't the same anymore because I had done it so many times and I just wanted peace I was like honestly peace will give me the rush at this point now being fucked over and having the trust issues like I'm numb to it but the problem was that I didn't know how to exist and I didn't know how to exist inside of peace I literally didn't know how that would work in a relationship I didn't know what that looked like aside from my parents and I was also convinced that my parents were like an anomaly I was like no one is going to be like my dad no one's going to treat me like my dad treats my mom so like that's impossible my first relationship taught me that everyone's a cheater everyone's a liar and so I just have to accept it like I was like and then I met Matt and from the beginning I could immediately tell like there was something different about this man and by this point when I met Matt I had done like some work on myself I had been in therapy I had investigated those childhood wounds I'd never really looked at before I had matured a little bit and I was definitely interested in something more serious but let me tell you something wanting a healthy relationship and actually knowing how to be in one are two very very very very different things Matt from the day I met him was so incredibly direct and that was one of the things that I loved so much about him it was like this breath of fresh air where like I'm like wait there's no games I was like is this a game is this the game that there is no game like not me trying to be like this has to be a game that there's no game it's like he's literally like you're a crazy bitch like I'm just being straight up with you what are you doing like if he said he was going to call he called if he said you know he's going on a trip or a bachelor party or he's traveling for work and he told me you know like what he was doing and then he would do that and he would communicate to me throughout those trips and he would call me at the time that he said he was going to call me and he would send me pictures and he was like not shady and somehow some way even though that's exactly what he was doing what now looking for a healthy relationship that's what I said I wanted there was still parts of me that were fucked up from the past that was like waiting for the shoe to drop like okay I just kept thinking like when are you going to prove me right like and so I will say because he just was so great in the beginning I then decided that I'm going to test him just like I did to the guy that I did in college who was a good guy and I remember specifically one instance comes to mind I remember it was early in our relationship things were getting more serious and I went to the Hamptons with Lauren and I could not have been more inconsiderate that trip truly I was such a fucking bitch I went out I was posting all over social media I was hardly answering Matt and when I look back I realize I was just trying to create chaos myself things were going too well in our relationship and I think that honestly scared me so much and some part of me was like there is no way that this lasts let me just let me be the one to prove it and maybe I'd push him and push him and push him enough that finally you know he'd finally get a little shady or he would retaliate or he would pull away and then I could say see I knew it see everyone's the same as my first boyfriend it always happens they always fight you over but thank God Matt was a mature adult because he didn't let he didn't meet me in the pettiness if anything he just called me out and I remember him basically being like what are you doing like I was so hungover I remember one morning I'm laying in bed in the Hamptons and he's literally like what are you doing like who is this person like I know the woman that I'm falling in love with and you're this is not her like what is happening go have fun with your friends but why are you trying to push him and push him and push him and push him and push him and push him and push me away like this isn't making sense and I felt really stupid and I remember we debriefed afterwards when I got back to LA and honestly I couldn't even fully explain to him why I had done it and looking back it definitely was self-sabotage I finally had the peace that I had been asking for and my first instinct was to see if I could turn it back into chaos and that I think was a really pivotal and eye-opening moment for me and our relationship overall because for the first time I was aware enough to recognize the pattern while I was still in it and that gave me some control over then what I was going to do next right when I look back at the college guy that was treating me right it's like I so self-sabotage so hard and then I had to look at him in a new relationship being like wow I kind of fucked that up with Matt it was like I was holding on for dear life being like no no no no no I'm not going to do that I'm not going to do that I'm not going to do that we've been here before he's showing no signs of being anything but honest listen to this man Alex and listen to maybe actually don't listen to your gut like actually fuck the gut just go with the facts babe because your gut is fucked up and it's been for almost a decade and I remember admitting to Matt like this is something I do this is coming from my past I have been cheated on before and I do not want this to keep interfering with my life with our relationship and I think just being able to have that conversation openly instead of like acting out the pattern without understanding it it gave us something to actually work through together because then Matt was like okay I can so understand like if you're saying this is all because of trust issues and because you've been cheated on like I really appreciate you sharing that with me because now I know why you're acting a certain way and also I can do my part in making you feel even more secure and confident and just giving you even a little bit more reassurance in certain moments that I wouldn't have thought of but if you need that I got you but when something is that deeply ingrained in you where you have been cheated on in the past when you have been lied to guys one conversation doesn't just magically fix all of this right and that's the annoying part I wish we could be like okay we see it we're moving on but no you feel even more secure and confident and just giving you even a little bit more reassurance that I wouldn't have thought of but if you need that I got you and this is I think where trust issues can get really tricky because maybe you've now finally met a good person right and you genuinely want the healthy relationship but your brain is still it's like it's running on the old software okay we haven't we haven't done the update yet you keep saying I'll do it later I'll do it later I'll do it later and so your ex used to cheat when he went out with his friends and now your new boyfriend says he's going out with the boys on Friday night nothing has happened but you're still cheating on him and you're still cheating your body understandably you're already there right you're like oh I know it's going to happen tonight your ex used to become distant right before you discover something so now your partner has a busy week at work not texting you too much immediately you're like he's being shady he's pulling away maybe your ex hid messages you guys remember I found text on an iPad and it was all disaster and nudes and all this so then when you then see a new partner put their phone face down on the table meanwhile they're probably actually trying to just like give you a little bit of more attention but you're like oh my god someone is literally sending him pictures of their nipples right now and that's why it's face down and it's like no no no but your mind can't help but be racing you're like what is he hiding like what what show me show me the pictures and suddenly you're checking locations you're monitoring social media you guys know the whole thing you're testing you're picking fights you're you're blowing the whole thing up and maybe even you're threatening to leave because you're not sure what's going on you're not sure what's going on you're not sure because somewhere inside of you leaving them feel safer than waiting to find out whether they'll leave you and whether they'll fuck you over and in your mind you're just protecting yourself but eventually I do think you have to ask am I responding to the person sitting in front of me or am I responding to the person who hurt me five years ago I also want to be careful here because if you're the person struggling with trust issues girl I see you you are you're a 24-hour security guard over there you're like I'm on call I'm on call my eyes will never close I am right here I have all my screens up you can't get anything by me you're never taking a shift off but I do think it's important to kind of flip it almost and like talk about it from the perspective of the person on the other side of this which is your partner guys imagine imagine if you are with someone who's trying to be healthy with you imagine constantly having to prove your innocence for a crime someone else committed like your partner is sitting there they explain where they were they show you their phone they reassure you they even are over explaining completely normal things because you're they're like I'm so terrified that you're going to just like misinterpret this and I'm trying and I'm trying and eventually your partner is going to start thinking what could I possibly do that is ever going to be enough for this person and that's the tragedy of this dynamic is like one person is desperately trying to feel safe while the other person is desperately trying to feel trusted and I think without conscious work both people can end up feeling completely misunderstood and completely alone and so now you're like okay so how do we break that pattern what do we do listen I'm not going to sit here and tell you that by the end of this episode you're going to magically trust anyone and just be like all right we're solved like this is not how it works it definitely wasn't linear for me I regressed I messed up I spiraled and I'm not going to sit here and tell you that by the end of this episode you're going to magically trust anyone and just be like all right we're solved like this is not how it works it definitely wasn't linear for me I regressed I messed up I spiraled and so now you're like okay so how do we break that pattern what do we do listen I spiraled and so now you're like okay so how do we break that pattern what do we do listen I spiraled and again and again he'd say what he was doing what he was gonna do and then he would do it and slowly all of these tactics that I had learned the snooping the investigating the reading between every line I didn't need to use them anymore because now it was like I was collecting a completely different kind of evidence and I think that is what trust actually became for me it wasn't I know with absolute certainty that nothing bad will ever happen no it became this person has consistently shown me that his words and his behaviors match over and over and over and over again and so over time my brain started to go oh maybe I don't need to read between the lines when there isn't anything even between the lines he's just being direct and honest and Matt to his credit and I love him so much he absolutely helped create that safe space for me he took the lead early on by being reassuring respectful and consistent and he also I will say and some people aren't going to be down like Matt was down being like okay so you have some trauma from your past like I got we got this like he looked at it so as a nothing burger like I'm not gonna be down like I'm not gonna be down like I'm not gonna be down where other men if they maybe were being shady or whatever would have been like oh well you're gonna have to figure that shit out because like I don't want to put up with that and Matt was like oh that's such an easy thing for me to do to just check in in the middle of the day like I got you or just show you this or whatever and then eventually I stopped needing that but I also had to choose to follow him there I had to stop testing him I had to communicate instead of investigate and what it really took was hundreds of seemingly really intense consequential experiences where someone tells you who they are and then keeps being that person so here's the truth I cannot sit here and promise you that if you heal your trust issues nobody will ever hurt you again unfortunately I wish I could daddy gang but I can't I can't predict that they might someone might lie someone might cheat someone may betray you but in my opinion I can't predict that they might someone might lie someone might cheat someone may betray healing is knowing you have to just continue to do the inner work on yourself healing is learning to trust yourself so that as you grow and you attract new relationships you don't allow your past to completely consume you it doesn't mean you have to forget about it and the lessons that it taught you but it also doesn't define every single relationship you have moving forward because I have to believe similar to what happened to me with Matt although I had multiple relationships that were absolutely heartbreaking and I was cheated on I didn't let what those men did to me take away my opportunity to find true love and happiness it doesn't mean it didn't take a lot of work and f those men that did that to me but if I can turn it into a positive in the end my past wounds and the trust issues it actually made me and my relationship with my husband potentially even stronger because of the conversations we had to have the emotional vulnerability we both had to lead with his willingness also to meet me there and then the dedication to show up every day for each other and to prove that this relationship would be different and it would be worth fighting for a relationship shouldn't be hard but I have to believe that each of your past traumas if you're both willing to come together and be like I got you oh this is your trigger or this is your trigger I can stand up for you I can meet you there that's when a partnership is going to work and sometimes you may meet someone and they're just not ready to take that on and so it's it's kind of has to be this like karmic energy of like I was in the right place at the right time when I met Matt Matt was at the right place in his life to meet me and we both ended up healing something in each other and so to anyone who has trust issues what I can say to you is it will get better but you have to want better for yourself like again we couldn't control what happened to us when we were given those trust issues and it's horrific to think about like I think about there's probably a lot of people maybe your trust issues didn't come from the first relationship the romantically that you had maybe it was because you watched in your household that your father cheated on your mother and you literally grew up thinking they were this perfect couple and then you found out and your whole reality was distorted and so you're like oh my god if my dad can't be faithful to my mother vice versa like how will I ever find someone because these people I thought loved each other the most and so it's like we all have something that can cause trust issues and I think we have to be lenient on ourselves to know that it's like a repetition to believe okay I can heal I can get better you're gonna regress but in a beautiful way I think sometimes it also can be like the right partner can actually really help heal something in you I'm not saying they heal everything because you have to do a lot of self-work but the best part was meeting Matt and being like oh my god a healthy relationship isn't boring this is like the best thing that's ever come into my life and he has taken all of the anxiety and stress out of my life and I'm like that at one point I thought was a high and was exciting and was thrilling and was needed in a relationship and now I'm like oh my god my poor nervous system I can't believe I put up with so much in relationships thinking that that's how that's how it had to be and to find someone who loves you and actually wants to ease your pain and wants to like ease all of the discomfort that you used to have and it's like I never want you to feel that way I never want you to go to bed with a pit in your stomach just talk to me if you ever have a question just let me know and I'll oh my gosh if you saw something that you thought you saw on my phone like here like no like that feeling eventually you don't even have to snoop you don't have to wonder you don't even need to look inside of their phone I didn't like you don't have to do it because you just trust them implicitly and that is a type of high that is so much better than the other type of high because it doesn't go away and the one that I grew up having out of those first relationships that was a roller coaster now we're just so much better now we're just so much better now we're just so much better now we're smooth and steady okay smooth and steady and nothing about that is boring girls so trust issues you got this from one reforms to another I see you you will get through this I'm gonna go watch the eagles I probably look insane that I'm wearing a windbreaker on call or daddy do I look like um Bradley Cooper from silver lining playbook yes okay also like my bump you guys you don't even want to know how pregnant I am I am getting close to that point we're like I'm going to pop but I also like still somehow have a little bit to go so it's like a weird mental state that I'm in but it's kind of nice to just keep working because I'm like what else would I be doing just like staring at the ceiling being like when are you coming into this world so fingers crossed you know uh I don't know when but it will I'll let I'll let you guys know when um I go from a father to a mother and yes I don't know when but I'll let you guys know when um I go from a father to a go eagles go birds and I love you guys I will see you fuckers next Wednesday goodbye