How to Handle Toxic People During the Holidays

(upbeat music) - Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. And if you're out there and you love this podcast, do me a favor. Go ahead and go to whatever platform you listen to us on, give us a rating and review. Reason-wise, because the more positive ratings or reviews that we get, the more that those platforms show this podcast that people have never listened to before, which allows us to grow and hopefully impact more lives. So if you do that, I would appreciate it. Today, I'm gonna be talking about how to handle toxic people during the holidays. If you're here, it's because at least one toxic person is in your life that you want to get rid of. And let's be honest. There's at least one person that's probably at your family events that you would never choose to spend time with if they weren't actually related to you. You know, they might criticize you or guilt trip you or gaslight you. And then in the end, somehow you still feel like the person who feels bad at the end of it. And they don't feel bad about it all. And you've probably spent years thinking, what's wrong with me? Like, why do they always get to me? How can I improve myself? But what if I told you that their toxic behavior actually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own traumas, their own insecurities and their own need for control. And they are projecting their problems and the way that they feel about themselves onto you. So it has nothing to do with you. And today I'm gonna show you how to flip the perspective so you never get triggered by them again. So you're gonna learn how to respond in a way that shuts down all of their drama. And then once you shut down all of their drama, they're gonna feel the need to move on to somebody else. So then you will get more peace in your life. And especially this time of year, because the holidays should be fun. And they can be fun. But it can be really stressful for people who have toxic family dynamics. And for people that you love the most, they usually trigger you the most. And so it's important to know this before we dive in. It's okay to set boundaries that are true to you and to prioritize yourself in your own mental health, okay? So let's go ahead and dive in. Toxic behavior can be many different things. It could be criticism of you. It could be them trying to manipulate you. It could be them gaslighting you and making you think that you're the problem when they're the problem. It could be them using guilt and guilt tripping you to try to control you. It could be them just all out trying to control you. It could be guilt, it could be shame, it could be overstepping their boundaries. And it could just be outright hostility from them. And so when you look at a toxic behavior, what's the actual root of the toxic behavior? It's important to know that toxic family members and toxic people often are acting from unresolved trauma within themselves or some sort of insecurity or the need to feel like they need to control you. And now I want you to understand that doesn't excuse their behavior in any sort of way. I'm not trying to excuse their behavior. I'm trying to explain their behavior. It's important to know where it comes from, especially if you're going to deal with it. So like an example might be, you might have a really critical parent that's critical every single time that you're around them and critical of what you're doing in your life and your life path and who you're with or who you're not with or when you're gonna have kids or not have kids. And they might be critical because they are actually projecting their own fears and their own inadequacy onto you. Like I see this all of the time that parents try to control their children and manipulate their children and push all of their fears and all of their insecurities and all of their inadequacies onto their children to try to control them. And it makes you feel like you're the problem and there's something wrong with you when in reality, it actually has nothing to do with you. You just happen to be the person that's getting fear vomited on top of. That's what it comes down to. And you got to remove yourself and hopefully you are emotions from the situation. And so the shift and the perspective that you need to understand is this. When somebody is toxic, it isn't about you at all. It is all about them. And when you're in these toxic environments, you have to remind yourself of this. And you might have to remind yourself over and over and over and 10 or 20 times when you're sitting down for Christmas dinner. It's not about you, it's about them. It's not about you, it's about them. You need to say it over and over and over again. And it's really important to know that. Now, what I always remind myself of, whether it happened to be somebody in my family or someone who's toxic or someone who's just an asshole in public is what you're seeing is an adult. Right, that's what you think. But what you're really seeing is an unhealed child in an adult's body. And if you keep reminding yourself, oh, that's just a wounded child who never healed, that is in a 47-year-old's body, you can kind of take a step back and remove yourself and protect your own mental health in that moment. Now, the other thing that you need to understand in this situation is you need to understand your own emotional triggers, right? Because family members know you so well and they will be there consciously, but a lot of times unconsciously, know how to push your buttons. And so you need to identify your specific emotional triggers, like, you can use this moment, you know, if you will be triggered, I promise you that, but you can use this moment for you to be able to grow. It's like going to the emotional resilience gym. And we will be right back. And now, back to the show. So, you know, you need to know your own emotional triggers, like being talked down to, or being dismissed, or being guilt-tripped in some sort of way, or being judged for what you're doing in life, or being judged for your body. You need to know what your own emotional triggers are, and you can really journal through it. Like, you should journal through it. Like, write down before you go to these family events, or these events where there might be toxic people, or it could be work, whatever it might be, and think to yourself, like, what are my emotional triggers? 'Cause if I can presence it and I can bring it in, when I can see it, it doesn't have as much control over me. And so the first thing you're gonna wanna do is you wanna make sure that you identify your feelings and your triggers. You can also do this. When you find yourself in the moment of being triggered, one of the best ways to take yourself out of it emotionally is to take yourself out of your emotional brain and into your logical brain. And what you do in that moment is like, oh my God, I'm really pissed off right now? Instead of getting into the drama, take yourself out of the drama, take out a pen and paper, walk into a different room, and say, why am I being triggered right now? And what it does is it will, over time, turn off your emotional part of your brain that's triggered, and it will turn on your analytical brain, which makes you look at it from a completely different perspective, as if you're somebody that's trying to solve a problem versus somebody who is wrapped up in a shit storm, right? And so what you wanna do is make a note of when you are triggered. Write it down, and now you're seeing it from a, oh, this is a problem that I can solve, and I don't have to be wrapped up in, versus like, oh my God, I'm lost in this moment. Okay, so that's the first thing. The second thing is then what you do, whether it is before you go into a moment where there's a toxic person, or in that moment when you remove yourself, is you then plan how you want to respond in those moments. So you identify your feelings and your triggers, and then you plan how you want to respond when it does happen. So for instance, if criticism about your career triggers you because your parents want you to go and be a lawyer, but you don't wanna be a lawyer, well then what you wanna do is you wanna rehearse what you will say to yourself, right? You rehearse what you say to yourself. So when they come in and they still want you to be a lawyer and you don't wanna be a lawyer, 'cause that doesn't sound fun, you rehearse, and you come up with like your own empowering phrase for yourself. I'm happy with my choices and that's all that matters. I'm happy with my choices and that's all that matters. Then when they come in and they throw their drama on top of you, in your head, you just repeat to yourself, I'm happy with my choices, and that's all that matters. I'm happy with my choice and all that matters. And it keeps you from being stuck in this toxic pattern with this toxic person. So planning ahead, believe it or not, is actually really, really important because when you're triggered, I'm just gonna be honest with you, you're not making the best decisions. Have you ever been triggered? And then an hour after being triggered, you're like, "Oof, yeah, I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have done that." The reason why is because when you're triggered and all of those emotions pop up, when your emotions are high, your logic is low. Your emotions are high, your logic is low. Your emotions are high, your body stops sending as much blood to the prefrontal cortex of your brain, which is where your logic is and your critical thinking, and you're just wrapped up in emotions. So you're not actually even making smart decisions in those moments. So that's why it's important to plan ahead now, then you plan how you react. And then when you get really pissed off because they still want you to be a lawyer, you're like, "What was that freaking phrase? What was that phrase? What was that phrase?" Oh yeah, that's what it was. I'm happy with my choices and that's all that matters. And it's the way to remove yourself from an old pattern that you've been stuck in. The other thing you wanna try to do is try to work on emotional detachment. Not in your entire life, that's not healthy, but emotional detachment in those moments. Detach yourself from that situation, right? Someone said something to you. Boo-hoo, right? Like you're in the end, you're gonna be okay. You're not gonna die because somebody wants you to do X, Y, Z, right? Somebody said something to you, not really that big of a deal. Don't get wrapped up in it. I promise you, you'll live. So you don't need to take on someone else's opinions. You are in control of whether or not you want to let somebody else trigger you. And if it's a toxic person, you probably should try to remove yourself from that. You don't get triggered by somebody else without you actually being like, "Okay, I'm gonna be triggered." Unconsciously, you're doing it. Like one of my favorite quotes on this is Eleanor Roosevelt and she says, "No one can make you feel inferior "without your consent." You have to realize that if somebody makes you feel bad about yourself, it's because you're actually consenting to letting them feel bad about yourself. Now it might be just a pattern that you've been stuck in since childhood, but as an adult, let's start to remove yourself from this pattern. You can use mindfulness to stay in the present moment. Like when you start to get triggered, anytime your body shifts in some sort of way, the very first thing to change is your breath. So what you wanna do is focus on your breath. Slow your breathing down as slow as you possibly can. Remove yourself from the situation. Go to the bathroom. My favorite way to self soothe, I do it multiple times a day, is really deep breath in and then you do a really long ex, like as long as you possibly can exhale, but you're going to hum at the same time. The reason why is because the hum, the vibration in your chest, actually stimulates your vagus nerve and that is actually the vagus nerve. Then turns on your parasympathetic nervous system, which is the calm, cool, collected side of your nervous system. So you go from fight or flight to breathing really deeply, humming a few times, letting it roll. You can hum in the bathroom. No big deal, you don't have to hum a song. Just something like that. And you could do it five, 10, 15 times and you'll actually start to notice your body will calm down. And so you wanna focus on your breath and learn how to self soothe. This creates a buffer between their actions in your emotional state. So you might need to go to the bathroom a lot during family events. It's okay 'cause you're gonna go and you're gonna go home, right? So you can also use this as a challenge to get better. The only way to get stronger in the gym is to lift heavier. The only way to get stronger emotionally is to go through more emotional things. This is a space for you to work on your own peace and your own happiness. Is it possible to focus on trying not to be triggered? Of course, is it possible to not be triggered one day? Yes, why don't you try it out, right? Try to remove yourself and break the cycle of reactivity. Toxic individuals often really thrive on reactive energy. And so what you wanna do is pause instead of reacting. They're expecting you to react the same way you've reacted your entire life. Take a pause before answering, before saying anything, not responding or responding different than normal tends to diffuse the situation because you're not showing up the way they expect to. And over time, when you just refuse to engage in the old toxic patterns that have been existing for a long time, it discourages them from pushing your buttons. And usually what they do is because they thrive on that energy, they usually go to somebody else. And so you might be pushing your toxic family member onto another family member that you love. Maybe they should listen to this episode as well, but you gotta protect your own mental health, right? And being triggered can piss you off if you look at it incorrectly. But I've said this hundreds of times in the podcast and I want you to really, really understand it. Where you are triggered, you're not free. You're stuck in some place, in some sort of fear or some sort of limiting belief or something. When somebody triggers you, it's showing you where you're not free. That's a gift. That is the universe or God or life or source or whatever it is you believe in, coming to you in this moment, through that person to give you a lesson on where you are caught up in life and where you still need to work on yourself. And in that moment, classes in session. So before going to an event like a family event or a work event or somewhere you know there's gonna be a toxic person that you can't really get away from, practice grounding techniques to stay calm before. And then practice those grounding techniques when you're in those difficult moments, the deep breathing, the humming, the visualizing yourself as an observer rather than a participant in the conversation. Like they can be standing in front of you and you can disassociate, not an unhealthy way, but disassociate yourself and try to see yourself from a third person looking at this conversation being like, wow, this person's really trying their best to trigger this other person. Wow, that other person, they're doing a really good job not triggering themself. And you're removing yourself mentally and emotionally from this situation, you know? When you say things and you remind yourself of stuff like, hey, their behavior says more about them than it does me. It has nothing to do with me. You can remove yourself from it. And so you need to focus on what is it you could control? Let go of this need to fix toxic family members, right? Stop trying to fix people. You're not going to fix them, I promise to you that. It's hard enough to fix yourself. Imagine trying to fix another person. Shift your attention into the small joys of holidays and being around family, like cooking your favorite dish or, you know, moving the house to somebody else and spend quality time with that non-toxic family member. You know, limit your exposure with that person as much as you possibly can. And then the last thing I think is really important is to have an exit strategy where if you need to get out, you can get out. Like create a plan for leaving the environment if it becomes too toxic, you know? Drive yourself, don't drink. Drinking usually makes emotions worse. Drive yourself so that you can leave it anytime if you need to. You can, if you drive with somebody else, you can prearrange a signal with a family member or a friend if you need an excuse to step away at that moment. It's, you need to normalize self-preservation. Taking care of yourself isn't rude, it's necessary. And so what I want you to do is listen to this episode and start to make a plan of how you're gonna go into events where you know toxic people are going to be and learn to start removing yourself from the situation and stop being triggered. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on Instagram stories, tag me and @RobDyleJr, R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. And if you wanna learn more about coaching with me outside of this podcast, you can go to coachwithrob.com. Once again, coachwithrob.com. And with that, I'm gonna leave you the same way I leave you every single episode, make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.