How To Get Out of a Relationship Rut (or Just Know It's Over)

Are you going to be thrilled over the moon, pussy dripping, to jump all over each other every single weekend is a crazy thing that you've never done before, experienced before. You're doing date nights three days a week. Like, that's going to end. Yeah, for most people. This podcast is a Dear Media production. Hi, guys. Hi, guys. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Welcome back. Coming to you from New York. We did it. Living our best life. We're going to bully you into being here. Every week, I'm like, do it. Come here. If you guys want to get into the comments and, like, let us know whether or not Ashley should move here or not. Bully her into it. Let us know if you think her hair is curly. That's how you really get people into the comments. Okay, I actually do have something to say about my hair. I think I'm going to go back. Not long. That would be crazy. But I think I am. I know that you look nervous. I just. This length is not for me. This in-betweener length, I don't like. So just cut it short. I want a really short. I want really, like, short. Or I want, like, below the short. Like, I want armpit length. I miss having, like, longer hair. You guys get in these comments immediately. No. Right? It's so good. The short hair is so. It's so you now. I just. I feel like I'm not into it anymore. I feel like I tasted her. I tasted it two months, three months at this point. And I. I just. I just. I just. I just. I know you guys are going to bully me into keeping this. Yes. And I just. Please do. I want, like, hair that's, like, a little bit longer. Well, maybe then I'll take over the short hair. Like, maybe we swap. Yeah. Did I send you that picture? Yeah. I love it. I'm going to put it up on the screen for you guys. So I just had this photo that Raina took of me in France. And my hair was kind of back. And I just was like, oh, I kind of actually. That's a good photo to play with different hairstyles. Because my hair is, like, back. So I threw it in Facetune just to see. And the short hair. Yes. I just loved it. I loved it. It's so chic. But, again, that's in Facetune. That's, like, perfect fake AI hair. You can have that hair. That hair is exactly what your hair would look like. Maybe. We'll put it on the screen, you guys, and let me know. I was, like, stunned by how much I loved it. I thought it was so chic. And that's how I decided. I put my hair into, like, Facetune or Chachi PT or whatever. And I was just, like, show me some different haircuts. But I just don't want people to think I'm, like, copying you. Well, now I'm going to go long. We know some friends that that happened. I mean, that's kind of crazy also. That girl. The one girl is, like, known for having a bob. I'm not known for having a bob. Yes. Okay. It would be, like, if you and I really had a signature, really cunty hairstyle. And then the other person was, like, I'm going to do that, too. Yeah. Like, if you got three breast reductions. You know what would be, like, the most competitive thing I could do is to get implants and make sure that my tits are bigger than yours now. Because you have been complaining. About how small they are. Yeah, how small they are. If I came in. If we really were competitive besties like that, that's what I would do. That's how you know we actually hate each other if I get breast implants. I actually support it. I support you getting breast implants. I mean, I think your body's perfect. But if you got bigger boobs. Every day I look in the mirror and I'm, like, how could you? How could you do this to yourself? It looks so good. I have their 32D, if you guys are curious. And every day I'm just, like, I miss them. They have a mind of their own. I know. What are they doing? Because your first breast reduction, they just grew back. Yes. And now they've kind of shrunk. I mean, you've lost weight. But, like, they really do fluctuate with your weight, I guess. Like, some people's don't. Mine never did growing up. Mine were always, like, I weighed, like, 98 pounds when I was, like, 19. And they were giant, ridiculous tits. And I feel like day to day they have a mind of their own, too. Like, I mean, hour to hour they have a mind. I was at this event the other night. There's a column called Sex Diaries that Ashley and I really like in New York Magazine. And the author, Alyssa, put out a book. And I went to a reading. And Alana and I were talking about my boobs in that room. And I was, like, I feel like my boobs are so small. And she was, like, no, they're, yeah, they're small. They're in proportion to your body. Because she knew me for so many years with, like, triple D boobs. Yeah. But she's, like, they're, you know, smaller. And two minutes later I was talking to Alyssa. And she was, your boobs are huge. And I was, like, thank you so much. It is. It's whether they knew you before. Maybe. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, and also they change hormonally. There's days when my breasts look so much bigger. But they also hurt. They're heavy and whatever's going on in them. Remember that trip we took in Jamaica and everyone was commenting on how bigger boobs looked? They looked huge on that trip. It was crazy. I had this one bikini top. It was good American. And I don't know. It wasn't, like, super padded. It just really pushed them up in a crazy way. I need to bring that back. But I don't even want to see what it would look like now because they really have shrunk. But, yeah, one of our guy friends was, like, is that Hess with the big tits? They looked huge. That's something no one's ever said. I know. Did it feel good, though? Hess with the big tits. Yeah. I was, like, excuse me? Okay. Let's talk about our partners and then we will get into it. All right. Well, speaking of Jamaica, alcohol. Okay. I was, like, where is the Jamaica? She will land the plane at some point. So it's summertime. We're taking more trips. We're just partying more, going out more, going to more barbecues, which obviously just means you're drinking more. ZBiotics, baby. Why are you not doing the pre-roll? Okay. You guys, I went crazy. I went rogue. Anyways, ZBiotics. Get 15% off pre-alcohol at zbiotics.com slash GGE with code GGE and Helix. Get 20% off site-wide at helixsleep.com slash GGE. And while we're here and we're talking about fashion, if you guys are not kidding, thank you to one. Speaking of Jamaica. Speaking of tits, if you want to put clothes on yours, okay, check out Whatnot. Whatnot. Get $20 off and free shipping on your first purchase when you download the app. Oh, my gosh. Speaking of nipples. If you'd like to tweak yours. Okay. Well, speaking of body stuff, I have an update about my butt. The ongoing saga. So if you are new around here, I have had a multitude of issues back there, specifically in the crack. And you're so brave to talk about it. To go on living. You know what? I'm just going to be honest. I feel comfortable talking about this because I'm in a relationship. I totally agree. This thing I'm going to explain, this is the third time it's happened. The first time was. I don't think I came on and talked about it in such a way. Not that guys are listening. Actually, I don't know. Maybe Shashank was listening. I just feel like it is kind of graphic, weird body stuff. But also, it just feels like if I was single, I don't think I'd want to share as much. I don't know. I feel like I have that freedom. I don't know. No, I validate that. Because it's the same thing as feeling like I don't have to dress for the male gaze anymore. It's nice. It's like, listen, there's a million things that are nice about being single, but feeling like I don't have to impress anybody but me and my partner. It's nice. You do show up. You just do act differently. Yeah, it's freeing. But also, I've always been talking about weird body stuff on this podcast, even when I was single. I'm just, whatever. Your butthole is different. Yeah. It feels different. Yeah. So, I have this like anorectal abscess. And I talked about this. If you guys really want to run it back, April 4, 20, 2025, where I was experiencing so much pain. And discomfort. It's like a cyst type situation back there. And I had to go like get an incision and get it drained. And I think I did an act out on the podcast because I was like on all fours, basically. Like leaned over, like face down, ass up with this colorectal surgeon, who I love, by the way. And she, at that time, was like, we took care of this, but you could have what's called a fistula and that's a surgery. And we had a call. We had a call about it after that. And I was like on tour, planning my wedding. And she was like, you know, you can live with this, maybe. And you could probably go another year or two. Like, you'll see. But if this keeps coming back, you're probably going to want to do the surgery. But I totally support you not wanting to do it now. There's obviously a recovery period. And you've got a lot going on. And so, over the course of the last year, it has been threatening to come back. And then it just kind of goes away on its own. Probably. I don't know, five or six times, I can feel a little something back there. I can feel it, but it's not discomfort and it's not pressure. And then it goes away. And I'm like, OK, maybe I am living with this. And I always knew if it came back in such a way where it's very uncomfortable, I know it's not going to just go away or drain on its own. I'm going to have to go back to her. So this happened a few nights ago. The night before, I was supposed to leave to come to New York on this trip. I was like, this is bad. And it feels like it felt in April of 2025. And I can't fly to New York like this because I don't have a doctor there. And so I called in the morning and I'm supposed to fly out at one. My flight was at one o'clock. I call the second the doctor opens at 830 in the morning and her receptionist answers. And I was like, you know, I'm a patient of the doctor. I don't want to say her name on the podcast. If you guys really need a doctor like that, you can message me and I'll let you know. But I'm like a patient of hers. She told me if this happens again to just to call her and come in and, you know, I'm supposed to fly out today. And the receptionist was so kind and understanding. They don't have to be. They never are. It's like they pick up the phone and they you have to say the same thing. Have you ever called a doctor's office and they acted like they spoke English? You just have to explain yourself three times. It's so humiliating. They're like, I don't understand. You're like, I'd like a gynecologist appointment. They're like, we don't really do that here. You're like, but aren't you? And she was like, the doctor's booked all day. So then that's like, sorry. But she was like, I'm going to talk to her. And try to get you in. And I was like, God bless you. So she was like, she's going to be in at 930. I'll call you back. she calls me back at like 10 and she's like she says she's gonna try to get you in today and she's like what time is your flight like she really was trying to make it work for me and i'm like i've already pushed back my flight i was like there's no way i'm making a 1 p.m flight i've already pushed it back to three and she's like i don't think i can get you into the afternoon i'm like i'll make it work whatever i'll fly out tomorrow if i have to this my health is like more important listen it isn't always but you know it was more important in that moment and so then she was like she's got a meeting at 11 30 i was like i'll come right now she's like where do you live i was like i'm 10 minutes down the road she's you come right now i was like i'm coming right now she's like come right now i was like i'll see you soon and i hung up the phone i run out you'll see my bus soon i feel like it would have been 10 minutes door to door but i had to park and it was a whole thing at a parking parking deck circle around whatever so i rolled up in there and the office is packed i was like how am i seeing this doctor today tons of bottle problems and so i'm just sitting there like i will wait as long as it takes i will keep pushing back my flight i'll leave at six in the morning tomorrow if i have to i will see this doctor today and i'm so thankful that they're trying to squeeze me in time goes by reina the mental gymnastics knowing that i need a good 15 to 20 minutes with the doctor to do the incision to do the draining and then can i get to the airport like it was just kind of like i still had to pack a little bit like it's funny to be like okay if they don't take me by 11 10 you know like i was like doing all the math and then it just starts to get a little chaotic in the doctor's office and i could tell that they had really stacked her schedule a little too packed and she i knew she had a meeting at 11 30 and i could hear the doctor from like behind the desk it gets a small office but a lot of people don't do this right like it's just like if you're the person that does butthole cyst draining like you're the goat she's incredible but she said i could come in she said book her in but then i think things got a little out of hand and i at one point this is probably like 11 05 and i'm like i need to see her by 11 10 and i hear the doctor from i feel like i shouldn't be able to hear her but it's a tight office there's a lady with an abscess that's been here since 10. the way my face got so hot nobody would have known it was you but the person that's heard beet red in the room there's a lady with an abscess who's been here since 10. green i was like that's me this is the stuff that nightmares are made up like this is what you see in your nightmares and people are like but that couldn't really happen someone yells into a packed room that's the girl with the butthole cyst i was like i'm gonna cry the lady with the abscess and like are you gonna cry the lady with the abscess and i'm like i'm gonna cry the lady with the abscess i'm gonna cry the lady with the abscess and i'm like are you gonna cry the lady with the abscess gonna see me or not like what time and i'm really like did they immediately go okay ashley has all time and then they come out ashley has the time lady with the abscess who's been here since 10 i was like 10 30 also like it wasn't 10 so anyway they finally bring me back at like 11 15 i was like in five more minutes i'm gonna have to push back the flight again she brings me back she is all business last time i was reading a book because i had to wait for her she was like what book are you reading should i read that she was so nice to me she was literally all business like i'm i don't have time for small talk got right down to it and she did it very quickly and then at one point i was like trying to talk to her about the potential surgery because she was like i'll put a band-aid on it this time but like i really think we need to discuss the surgery and i want you to come back in in person i don't want to do another zoom meeting and she was like i want to talk to you about this i started to ask her a question she goes we don't have time for that literally she was like we don't just face down not today face down ass up the shot of the lidocaine hurts so bad she was like wiggle your toes that that's the worst part it's not the incision it's like the shot in your ass of the numbing and then i was done and she was like rest today and i'm like what i'm gonna do is get on a flight that's sort of rest and i had to come home and again this is the third time i've had to really deal with this and i was like i know that like it's gonna be a little bit of pain i'm gonna take some painkillers then i'm just gonna be fine but i had upgraded my flight and it was like not that much more expensive to upgrade to delta one and i was like also i want to be comfortable and lay down so when i was in the delta one lounge i was like people probably think look at this girl look at this baddie not knowing i have gauze in my butt crack you never know what people are going through delta one private security delta one private lounge gauze in my butthole you never know what struggles people are having you know everybody has a story to tell and i made it and i'm fine and i'm gonna obviously discuss the surgery like i'm not a person who's like putting that off i just i listen to her recommendations last year was just not the year to do that i had my gum graft last year i had a lot going on you did and also like what if you wanted to do anal for your wedding exactly this well i mean i probably would have been better off if i would have got the surgeries but anyway last time when i talked about this i got so many messages from you guys and so if you have this going on my thoughts and prayers are always with you and you always know you have the support of the lady with abscess who's been here since 10. i had an experience sort of like that the gynecologist in la and i'd gone into it was just when i turned 40 i wanted like a panel of every single thing done which i really recommend that you guys do when you turn 40 go to the gynecology get blood work get everything tested get a mammogram do everything but i decided i wanted to change my iud so i'd come back in for a consultation i waited for like 90 minutes and the woman in that small room goes iud and just points at me and i was like no and she goes you're not getting an iud today and i was like no i'm just here to talk about an idea she's like are you sure you're not going to get it out i was like are we why are we doing this why are we yelling across the this room i know i mean this is crazy when i left though i i was just so appreciative of them like i thanked joanna who works at the front desk i was like thank you so much i feel like she was like okay girl just get out of here but i was like you didn't have to do this and you didn't have to care like when people are kind for really no reason just to improve your day i'm always just like man that is so nice and like i know those that they're so busy like i just really feel for all the doctors all the nurses that are just like i could feel the stress and they still like the problem like i said that tour on the phone i was like listen i gotta play it one that's not your problem like i was just like this is my shit but if i can get in today i will and like i just feel like it was just such a heartwarming experience okay so reina greenberg you've been living in new york now as we record for like a little like a month ish we've been gone sometime yeah now that this will air it will have been even longer but how are you feeling i'm feeling mostly great i'm myself all the time like was this a good idea i'm really happy being away from you and doing the podcast without you has been harder than i expected it to be yeah and i didn't i was never under the expectation that like it would just be easy but like we know a lot of people that do it remotely like page and hannah are always on zoom and the girls from the toast they they're with their husbands and their kids in different states and stassi schroeder who we just had on the show and taylor strucker like we know all these girls that like do it separately and i still love doing the podcast with you no matter what it's just it's not the same when i'm not in the same place same room as you so that's that's been the biggest change for me and the biggest surprise i was just like we'll do it remotely and it'll be okay and we obviously are gonna like bend over backwards make sure you guys can have us in the same room as much as humanly possible but that's been the hardest and the biggest i guess surprise because i just thought like so many people do this professionally not in the same room like we'll be fine and we are but it's just a little less fun to like not be together yeah i don't want to start with negativity no i mean i feel the same way i i don't know we did do it during covid but it's like we were forced into it we had to it was a different time but we didn't start this podcast to be virtual we would only do a couple a year and you know i think it's people it was kind of funny when people like what's gonna happen the podcast i'm like we've done virtual if you guys have been around you know that we have done it but it really was fewer and far between so like when we did the full episode on monday a couple weeks ago a month or so ago at this point we were like oh my god we're gonna do this we're like we don't this isn't fun for us like we hope we're coming across we're having fun talking i know i thought i do want to talk about the positives of living here no of course but just the podcast you know if you we'll we'll figure this out and again i feel like the snack it's just like we've all we've done more virtual the snack but like we want to try to work this out as much as possible and we're going to see what it looks like going forward but that has obviously been the hardest part of you moving too because i've seen you a lot yeah socially we've been together a lot like we were in dewey we were in europe obviously and then as we're working this i will have just been in la for a week so we will have been together a lot but yeah it's just it's a huge shift in my life i mean it's i know somebody who's sort of breaking up with their partner of like 10 years and i said like i don't know what it feels like to be with somebody that long because it's like losing a limb and like but that's how it is like we've just never been as apart before yeah so socially again i don't feel like that but podcast wise i just like it's just a bummer to not be in the room every single time together yeah i think that we've i don't know we really just still enjoy it obviously but i guess i didn't realize how big a part of that was like being together and just chatting because like we've talked about so much it's been eight and a half years i mean you do anything for eight and a half years a lot of people would never do anything this long and so that's part of what keeps it fun yeah so i think we're struggling with that a little bit if we're just being honest with you guys yeah like that's we want to not do as many while we live apart the snack will be because it's timely but when we can get ahead of episodes and guests and all that stuff we're going to try our best yeah and also just the best part of my week is recording together it always has been like even when people are like do you think you guys are gonna stop like every year somebody's like how long can this keep going on i'm like forever how dare you suggest that to me every once in a while somebody will suggest like you guys are like coming up on 10 years like uh forever that's how long it could go for okay have you ever heard of uh howard stern i could be on this mic forever forever till we die till we mitch mcconnell out this bitch So we'll figure it out and like we are making the effort to be in the same city as much as possible outside of that i'm really happy there's some things that i knew i would love like saturday i was telling you like the reason why i moved here is just socially i just wasn't loving it in la and i was just alone all the time and saturday morning one of our girlfriends texted me i went for a walk with her i went to brunch another one of our girlfriends said like i'm having a bad day i was like great i'll meet up with you i went for a walk with her and then a third one of our girlfriends like came over to my place that night and had wine and i was like every one of these plans came about within five minutes of the plan like that's why i moved here to be able to like just do a lot of stuff with a lot of people i went to this great book reading the other night and i was in this room full of people and i was like really surrounded by like some brilliant people and i love that the weather has been tough um so that's always a trade-off the space is a huge trade-off i went from a three-bedroom house with two outdoor spaces yeah to one-bedroom apartment but i am that's better than i thought it would be i'm just i'm in the apartment and i'm like this is everything i could possibly need apartments beautiful thank you yeah um it's everything i could possibly need so there's trade-offs to everything i could possibly need everything there's good and bad i mean so many of our friends the majority of our friends are here and that's what i've like really craved and also just attention for men is really different here for me like in la like a man just won't look at you yeah they will not give you the time of day and here i just feel like i'm getting like chatted up every single day by a man like the men in la are so hot but it's like you can't talk to him like it's almost like being at the zoo where you literally are like oh my god this like beautiful animal but don't talk to him they won't talk to you like keep your distance like it's truly like you're watching them from afar almost like i'm never not amazed at the attractiveness of the all the people in la but the guy the height the looks they all look just fit and glowing and heavy stubble and the hair and the oh my god they're so hot okay anyway i mean they i always like joke like a man in la could be drowning and you could be like i'll throw you a life raft and they will just die to not talk to you like i don't have a job i have nothing to live for but like here i feel like i'm getting like i've been going to this restaurant a lot for breakfast and like two times this week a man sat next to me at the bar with his book and like chatted me up asked me what i was reading and i was like oh men talk to you that's really lovely i was just on the subway on the way here and this woman started performing like they do she really had her music and she was going and this guy like caught my eye and like gave me a look like uh connecting over this lady doing like he like locked eyes with me and like i mean i i don't know like if we were both single would we have like kind of gotten off the train and talked about that like you know let her cook kind of thing like he made he wanted to share a like moment with me and i was like oh my goodness i'm back so for all those reasons i'm thrilled it's the right place for me i'm closer to my family just time zone wise i'm close to your family time zone wise time zone um truly the only deficit in my life is you um and like i joke before like you know it's like an electoral college it's like you are one person but you have more votes so that's the only bad thing in my life being here is i'm not with you day to day and yeah um if i hang out with my like our friends without you i feel like i'm like committing treason but cheating on me other than that i mean it's it's good it's where i'm meant to be and you know i got so many messages from our our listeners being like you know you inspired me to move this and that and this was an easy move we have a life built in here we have work built in here so it wasn't so brave to just come back to where i always was yeah but um for the most part i love it and i feel like you're tipping i don't know what to do you guys i i'm just i want to be honest it's a real struggle i am like really struggling with the decision and shashank can go either way too yeah so like there's no one really like honestly if he just got like a new job that would be great yeah like i'd be like okay let's go you know i'm not going to be like oh my god i'm not going to be like oh my god i'm not going to be you know but he can kind of do a few different things like we both could go either way and so and we both see the positives and negatives it's like i'm struggling with it so much and then i'm like upset at myself that i can't figure it out too and obviously i want to be here with you i really love coming to this studio i love all of our friends here the weather is a big part of it i i mean i really think it's hard to live in la for an extended period of time which is now over three and a half years and get used to it and i think it's really hard to live in l.a and just not have it anymore and new york has gotten worse i actually think if i could be guaranteed to come back to the new york i lived in three years ago i'd be sold like the winters are worse than the summers are worse and it's so much rainier it's a subtropical climate like i don't want to shit on it but it's tough when the weather is bad and then it's also like you have to walk around a lot and it's harder life anyway so you add the weather on top of it it's just become a little bit more difficult to live here but i would be moving forward moving here with a partner yeah and that would help with manual labor and the dog and all the things downgrading the space like i just feel like i fall in love more with our house in l.a every day and i love like the restaurants we go to in the weekend trips going to montecito like it feels like a dream i really want to have both i mean this is so many people struggle if you really do genuinely love both in your heart of any cities but new york and la i mean i mean i validate it the weather has like a huge effect on my life i said to jeremy the other day i was like this is just it we never get good weather here like it's a thousand degrees humidity here or it's two degrees but either way we're just gonna fight for our lives like i've been taking my walks earlier in the morning like at eight in the morning and then like in the evening i'll take my walks but like it's pretty unpleasant i know and it's i mean new york is just hard it's just a hard life hard like i'm trying to decide if i want the hard i'm trying to decide what i want my life to look like i i'm trying to decide what my next career move is i mean in addition to the podcast of really at a crossroads and trying to really do what's like true to me and what i want and again with like you being the driving force and this podcast yeah it's interesting so we will figure it out probably but i wanted to share this someone just texted me like a friend i had drinks with last night who was like you should just do it just move here that's so funny she's like just do it and um she just texted me like i swear the smoke usually isn't this bad oh i'm never here now we're dealing with like wildfire smoke from canada it's like hazy and it's just funny that you know that you know the smoke's never like this yeah exactly like i i lived here but it has gotten worse because climate change is real also like living with a partner is not the same like i really i was panicked when i was packing i had like 181 boxes come here and some of those were like i had a lampshade in a box i mean a lot of stuff was like that but like yeah i was fucking panic stricken moving here being like i don't know what to do with all this i know i'm by myself right so yeah it's tough like i'm seeing some apartments and i'll share an anecdote about what happened at one and i'm like in this space like really trying to picture it think of how we would do it like fit everything um but this apartment that i saw is really great it feels like it would be the one it actually feels like the closest thing to our la house in terms of like the outdoor space the parking i've never seen parking garage in the building you have to pay for the spot but it's right there yeah it's nice i bet it was 30 seconds door to car um and if you guys don't know like parking like parking garage is like a parking garage it's like a parking garage for example in my building i don't have a car here parking is 900 for a spot per month in my building there is okay so yeah but it's 900 who the fuck could afford that this spot 425 insane insane that's brooklyn i mean that's but that's brooklyn baby a lot of money but obviously parking your car for 425 a month sounds like a lot of money but not here it's not it's like three here randy keeps joking that i've been explaining brooklyn to her but you know so i just want to share one thing this lady showed me this apartment she was super excited about it and i was like super kind she'd been like checking in on me they actually lowered the price she messaged me about it and she just was like really responsive and really nice they aren't always like sometimes these people like won't even write you back you know it can be really hard by the way that can be really hard and really discouraging and like heartbreaking like apartment search but this one's been on the market you know and i was really patient she spent lots of time with me showed me all the buildings amenities all the things whatever and i'd seen most of the apartment and i hadn't i did for work but i told her i was self-employed and i didn't tell her anything that shashank did i just mentioned my husband and we're standing in the kitchen about to kind of like wrap up the tour and she was like the application process like pretty easy this is a rental building you're not running from like an owner or whatever and she was like so would it be you and your husband and then i i hear her go or would we just do and i'm like surely she's gonna say or would it just be you on the application right obviously and she goes or we should probably just have your husband do it because you're self-employed 2026 can your husband sign for you not in new york city 2026 also you're not no offense you're not 25 you look like a good adult okay well i'm not trying to like insulted but the other part of me was like am i giving trophy wife am i giving lady of leisure okay walk with a big budget to look for an apartment for my husband am i giving 25 she's just seems so like light and airy she couldn't possibly have a job here i thought i was stomping around 43 years old looking like a boss lady no and she thinks that my husband needs to sign for me she's like this little girly she just seems unburdened by jobs in hr departments didn't hate it honestly i only saw through a negative lens. I'm kind of insulted that people assume that I work for myself. It's like when I don't get carded, I'm like, oh, hello. That's what this was. Hello, do you not want to card me? They're like, no, you're fine. I'm like, no, do it. Card me. No, like I'm a trophy wife. Apparently. What were you wearing? Well, I was really casual. I'm sure if I'd been in a power suit in 96 degrees, but I was in a jean skirt and flip flops like everyone else. I found this so shocking because, first of all, in New York City, everybody works. You don't meet a lot of people. I don't come across. It's not LA. I don't come across a lot of people. They're just like girlies that don't work. And more than half the people that I know work for themselves. They're content creators. They're podcasters. Yes, you obviously run up against something kind of crazy. So, I mean, the way that you and I get paid is a little crazy. Yeah, we have to get a letter from our business manager that proves we have the money. I mean, they can also look at your bank statements, too. Yes. But just having money in your bank doesn't really mean anything. They need to see that you have, what's the word for it? That you will be employed for a while. So, the last department I applied for, they needed our agents from WME to submit something saying, you and I had a tour coming up, our business managers. I needed a lot. It wasn't just have money in the bank and you can't pay a year ahead because of your squatter's rights. So, that won't matter. Don't do that anyway. No leverage. I've heard people, even one of our friends was like, I offered to pay in advance. I was like, never do that. Because then you have no leverage because I withheld my rent years ago because all this stuff was going wrong with the building. But, yeah, I mean, it's because people will make a bunch of money off something and rent an apartment they can't afford. And then in like six months to a year, they can't afford it anymore. I mean, that happens and that's what they're trying to prevent. But I just thought it was crazy because you're right. To your point about the age, I really do think if I look like I was in my 20s, it's a little more understandable. But women in their 20s are also balling. Printing money. It just was like it would have. Made a little more sense. But I was surprised because I think I give off like an authoritative vibe. Yeah, Ashley, obviously. And she was out here, should we wait for your husband? I don't think anybody's like, Raina's the boss. I don't think anybody thinks that. But I'm like, no, I literally was like, I've never had people think this about me. That I would be, because we have, I'm thinking of a friend who has a rich husband, who doesn't work, who I can see her vetting places. She has a great eye. She decorates their homes. She would go first and then be like, he's going to come. Of course. Because Shadonka's going to come tomorrow and see it. So I could see, like, that's what she thought was happening here. You're just so tall and authoritative. It's just like, I feel like this woman meets people all day, every day. Also, she's like, I know people. And if I know one thing, this girl is unemployed. Should we wait for your husband to do it? I was like, aw. Cutie. I don't even need him to see this place. Okay? He needs to apologize to me. Okay. Well, that's the update, you guys. We'll, you know, keep you along on the journey. Yeah. The next few episodes you guys watch will be based in L.A. Also at our Dear Media studios. This is a Dear Media production, you guys, if you didn't know. Okay. Speaking of Jamaica. That's so stupid. Okay. ZBiotics is going to have, like, an ad campaign in Jamaica next. ZBiotics, if you want to send me to Jamaica. So, it's summertime. You're traveling more, partying more, obviously, more activities. And that means more drinking. So, you got to make sure that you have a good. Good nights tonight lead to good days tomorrow. ZBiotics, pre-alcohol probiotic drink, is the world's first genetically engineered probiotic. It was invented by PhD scientists to tackle rough mornings after drinking. So, here's how it works. When you drink, alcohol gets converted into a toxic byproduct in the gut. It's a buildup. This byproduct, not dehydration, that's to blame for rough days after drinking. Pre-alcohol produces an enzyme to break this byproduct down. Just remember to make pre-alcohol your first drink of the night and drink responsibly and you'll feel at your best tomorrow. I mean, honestly, like, when I drink, I've just. It's gotten worse and worse as I've gotten older. Just the fogginess, my inability to bounce back. And, like, I don't want days like that. I would rather just not drink at all. And, honestly, I'm not willing to give that up either. So, it looks like ZBiotics is the drink for me. Wedding season, bachelorettes, rooftop birthdays, August. This doesn't slow down and neither do you. Pre-alcohol keeps it that way. ZBiotics.com slash GGE. Code GGE for 15% off. Okay, and I am telling you guys about Whatnot. We are so obsessed with this. This is a great way to get deals on some of the highest-end brands, stuff that maybe you couldn't or wouldn't want to pay full price for. And it's, like, there's a social aspect to it, too. It's just the most fun way to shop on this app. So, it is the number one live shopping app in the U.S. Shopping happens in real time with real people, real conversations, incredible deals. Okay, so, you might see a bag or a pair of pants, a sweater, sunglasses. And you can connect with the seller and other shoppers and chat with them about it. Like, we were saying, like, sometimes you just, like, you want to see the thing in real life. You're going to spend a bunch of money on it. And so, you really get to see it up close and personal and you're going to never pay full price. So, shop name brands, everything from Prada to Gucci, Coach, Kate Spade, whatever you guys want across makeup. But perfume, clothes, handbags, jewelry, and more, all without the retail sticker shock. And there's sellers with great taste going live 24-7. I mean, listen, this is so fun to shop and spend money, but it's also just fun to be on. Like, it's just a fun experience. Just check it out. You can comment in real time. They will show you a close-up of the clothes. I just love this so, so much. They'll explain the sizing, answer any questions you may have. And then, if you have clothes, bags, or accessories sitting in your closet, if you're moving to a smaller space, maybe, you can become a seller. Whatnot is going to make it easy to turn those items into cash, connect with shoppers who share your style. And have fun going live while doing it. And a great way to discover new brands. So, you know, of course, we all know the big names, but you can find stuff that other people might not have. We always say it's so fun to, like, have stuff that not everyone has on the streets. You look different. You stand out. So, you guys can download Whatnot today and get $20 off and free shipping on your first purchase. Search Whatnot, W-H-A-T-N-O-T, in the App Store. Sign up and start finding the best deal on the products you love with $20 off and free shipping on your first purchase. And you guys know what? I always say it's the thing that is the most important to me, truly, in the whole world, is a good night's sleep, feeling good when I wake up, feeling rested. And the best way that I do that is my Helix mattress. So, when I am traveling, I just, like, miss it so much. I cannot wait to get back to my bed. And my whole bed is outfitted by Helix, by the way. It is also the pillows and the mattress topper. And I just absolutely love everything they do. And they have tons of stuff to choose from on Helix. So, if you go to their website, they have over 20 mattress models that you can choose from. So, you'll go to their site. You'll take a quiz that just takes, like, two seconds. And you will talk about it. If you sleep heavy, if you sleep on your back, your side, your front, do you sleep next to somebody, people that are kind of big and tall. So, if you're, like, a bigger person, they will recommend mattresses for you. So, we like the Moonlight Lux. But there's tons to choose from. And really, nothing is more important to me than I just, like, love to get into bed at the end of the night. It's such a treat. And people always, like, rave about staying at our houses, too. Ashley has it at her place, her parents' place. We gift these to people. I love it so much. And Helix has free shipping and seamless delivery, 120-night sleep try. And a lifetime limited warranty. The Happy Helix Guarantee. So, they have seamless returns and exchanges. I don't think you're ever going to exchange this. But if you need to, you can. Never heard of an exchange. Crazy. Or a return. And it's award-winning. So, it is the most awarded mattress brand that there is. So, right now, you can get 20% off site-wide. Go to helixsleep.com slash GGE for 20% off site-wide. Okay. So, let's get into our topic, relationship ruts. I'm excited about this topic. This is really, like, an outline I felt like I had the most. Like, pleasure doing it in a long time. Because you and I have done a lot of episodes about, like, should I stay or should I go? And, like, where's the line? And am I just bored? Or is this relationship over? Yeah, I break up with him. Yeah, should I break up with him? And, like, we've done so much of that. But, like, we really haven't done, like, a rut. Like, I'm just – I don't want to leave this relationship. I still love this person. I don't feel like I'm out on this person. And, like, how normal is this? And, like, how do you sense it? And how do you come back from it? And so, I was really excited to do this and poll you guys. And, per usual, you just all delivered. I mean, we got tens of thousands of responses about this. And it was really beautiful. So, thank you for sharing your relationship stories. Yeah. And we asked you guys what topics you wanted to hear on upcoming episodes. And we are taking them all in mind. A lot of, like, health stuff. But it's interesting to see how the topics have changed as we have gotten older. You had the same thought, too. I mean, I don't know. Eight years ago, it would have been, like, dating apps. And, of course, we're still going to talk about all that stuff, too. But it feels like our audience has really grown up with us. And it's less dating, meeting men in the wild, which that still is important. I'll still hold it down, you guys. Yeah. But it's, like, long-term relationships. Like, how to keep the spark alive. And that's why we did an episode a few months back about how often couples are really having sex. Because I think people are wondering, am I normal? Is our relationship on the rocks? And am I supposed to feel this way? And are other people feeling this way? A lot more stuff. With kids, I saw. You know, I was really glad that we had Stassi on a couple weeks ago. And she just is pretty honest about motherhood and what she feels like doing and not doing. And a lot of requests for perimenopause type of episodes. So we will focus on wellness, health, things like that. Like, we hear you guys. We want to do it. So we will. Yeah. And the guests you guys recommended, we just don't put those types of question slides up for no reason. We really do take it all to heart. It's just that everybody's out of town this summer. And I'm really sick of it. People fucked off this summer. That's so crazy. Yeah. We made a lot of promises. We made a lot of promises for the fall, though. We're out to, like, 25 people. And everybody's like, I'll do it in September. Yeah. god damn it yeah so this could be your last solo you guys enjoy it but you guys do like the solos that's actually probably the number one piece of feedback is more so i know i know i just find this really interesting i mean i think that you just hear all the time marriages are hard marriages are such hard work like marriages are so hard marriages are so so hard it's torture it's a death sentence but it's worth it but i love him and i just i think that you're talking about having kids i don't know like i i'd like to say that long-term relationships can be challenging are challenging i like to use that language because it should mean that you're up for the challenge as opposed to like these are so hard uh-huh sure that's not not true it's marriages are hard kids all the whole all the things but i just think in general like the longer relationships go on the more challenging they can be and they can really ebb and flow and i would think if you talked to any couple 10 20 30 40 plus years married they would tell you about times when they almost got divorced i was listening to this couple's therapist we're gonna have on he was on liz moody's podcast he's wonderful his name is zach and i listened to the whole episode he did with liz and then she introduced us and we're gonna have him on and he cited three times in his marriage with his wife where they discussed breaking up and that's not everybody's story but i've talked to my mom about this and times that were really close to that point i think everyone has this story so it's really normal and some people don't some and some people are like divorce is not an option but a lot of couples long term are like we almost didn't make it past this thing the thing i mean you and i have like a front row seat at the moment because this is our age but like a lot of our friends have their first child and so many people in my life have said to me like this has been the worst test on our marriage like yeah we can't leave the house after 6 30 p.m there's no like check-in or anything like that there's no like check-in or anything like that there's no like checking in with each other deep conversations it's just like we got to put our heads down and get through this and so many of my girlfriends have just been like i have the best husband in the world but i look at him and i'm like i hate you i fucking hate you what are you good for like it's such a test and you know when you segue from spontaneous desire with a partner which just means like they walk into a room and you are fucking on site to responsive desire which is like it needs a little bit more and couples you know it's just it's monotonous you know that you had sex with somebody probably hundreds of times it gets yeah it gets boring you're coming home to the house that you both share you're not traveling and going long distance as much and this is just so normal there's no couple that has been together even several years then i'll just tell you i just life got in the way i got into a rut you know and the difference for me and like we'll go through this between like is this over or is this a rut is like are you committed to working on it is this person you want to be with you are you both committed to working on it because we asked people like what were the signs and no one said i fell out of love i didn't i i had no idea i was going to be with him i didn't know i didn't know i didn't know i hated this person it was sort of just like even i don't want to be around this person i think you can push past that if you if you want to right you don't have to yeah sometimes it is just over right yes you people really do fall out of love i feel like we fell out of love is like did your parents say that when they sat you down about the divorce um my mom was just like i we fell in love with each other and we love you i don't but you know your dad does i knew someone was coming i watched you look down and think of the tag in real time i wrote this tag and i was like my parents were like this has nothing to do with how much we love you well your mom it does but not me your dad my dad was like not me i will always love you probably my mom's like i will raise you but i will not like you just so that we're clear oh my god but did they say we fell out of love it's just when i hear we fell in love i picture two parents sitting their kids down and telling them we get divorced so i was four and i don't know that you i don't know that you'd introduce that concept to a four-year-old i just i think maybe like a 10 year old yeah that's true okay you're right you're right i think i was too young and i don't know that my parents were ever like super in love with each other to be completely honest i think that they yeah i mean i'm not trying to like really put them on blast but my parents were married to other people before they married each other i think they met at a time where like made sense everybody was having kids they were both jewish and lived in a certain community and it like it made sense you guys that's very funny because you were just their kid era like they had like other marriages but they had two kids together like you don't have a two children and we're like just got out and they married other people they were just like bye and been married before that like it's very funny like the middle marriage they were like we should do the kid thing bye it's just funny because it's like you would have thought with all those other marriages in the mix like you would have a half sibling or you do no you don't you've stepped siblings i have three step siblings that's right yeah um but i think that you know when you hear people say like i knew it was over like when you think about this ending do you feel a huge weight off or can you not feel like you're a huge weight off or can you not feel like you're a huge weight off or can you not imagine your life without this person and those are like different feelings and i think that you know a lot of people are pretty clear whether you'll admit it to yourself or not if you've outgrown this marriage yeah or if you just need to change or find things outside of the marriage to make you happy your parents have always been so great at that of having like separate lives yeah and they come home and they have something to talk about i think that's their secret their hardest point was recently my mom said the first year of marriage was really hard no like i mean i think my parents really support each other but i don't know if like it was maybe the my dad knew how to support her in that time and then when my dad's brother died i think that was really hard too i think my dad is just a boomer who is not that emotional i mean i think he's a great father and husband but he's not super emotional and in touch and i think he can be a like the losses they had in the marriage were tough on both of them but they obviously got through it wait i just want to tell you because when you were listening to this you will hear this you said the first year of marriage was hard and i said was that when you were born and i didn't mean because of you i meant is it did they have a child right away i was like she's gonna hear this i hate i don't catch stuff you know but i meant like did they have a child in their first year of marriage no no okay my parents actually i feel like we're a little bit ahead of their time and years oh mine were seven my parents were at seven years that's crazy i know well they my mom got pregnant three times and lost the baby okay right yeah but still like i think my parents got married at like late 20s 27 ish maybe and then my mom didn't have me to like 31 it was at least three years yeah that's a lot that they were without kids and just enjoying being newlyweds and minus that first year i guess but recently my dad's health it well i mean my parents are aging my dad just turned 75 but his hip and he got a hip replacement as you guys all know if you've been around and he's doing great but there was what two years where he needed one and he was procrastinating and he was in chronic pain and then he's drinking more and it's i'd hate to say he takes it out of my mom it just she's the person there around the clock and he's frustrated and he feels he had such a loss of identity i mean it was everything bad outside of like a chronic diagnosis you know like in terms of just like him not being able to work on the farm him not being able to like do all the things that make him happy and i think she she talked to me about it a little bit i mean she likes to tread lightly like i'm her kid but i'm her friend too and how hard it was and i don't know how much longer they could have endured it like if my dad just never got the hip replacement and just was like i'm just gonna live like this forever i hate to even say it makes me want to cry to think about i mean because my parents are just on this pedestal of marriage i mean 40 plus years and he got it done and i think it's improved a lot but even being around them in those that year or two like i could feel some contempt and just feel like they weren't joking around and didn't enjoy each other as much they're mad at each other yeah and i mean how could you i mean i was always like okay with your dad like how could you think about anything else if you're in chronic pain but your mom's still a person she still exists yeah and i i actually wonder if you bucketed it out if the three worst times kind of in people's marriages or like the rut times where you're when you first have kids when your kids first go away like when the kids leave the house because i think it's like a lot of times when you're like oh my god i think that you can really ride on logistics for a lot of years totally like the who's picking up who and who's walking the dog and like what are our kids doing you could ride that out for a lot of years and then and then it depends on what kind of kids you have but then are your kids playing sports or going to college and then you just have so much to focus on and then there's nothing and then nothing and i wonder if like that's the second bucket and the third is this late stage in life where like somebody's sick or not getting well and you're like i didn't i remember like my about my stepdad getting sick she said i didn't sign up for this and i was like you quite literally signed up for this you signed a marriage certificate you literally physically signed up for this yeah but i think that when what she meant was like you know when i when you marry somebody you don't think like oh i'm gonna have to like physically take care of this person they're not gonna be the same person i married physically it changes who they are and it's an unkind thing to say but i do think some people have that thought yeah it's an interesting thing to say also getting married later in life like you might say that in your 20s you know but you still always are that's truly it i mean you want it to last forever you're signing up to change the what is it colostomy bags yeah what are they something like that but i think also we're talking about like longer parent age marriages but you see divorces at 30 a lot a lot and those are you got married early 20s and then you know a lot of people i mean you have your saturn returns 27 is five years down the road and then things could shift for you then if you're into that woo-woo stuff which I really do believe in like just a shift in your life at 27 and questioning what's my purpose and what am I doing and then it could affect your marriage if you don't grow in the same direction and then you're divorced by 30 we see it all the time I've known a lot of people that were together for like eight nine ten years and got married and then got divorced within one year yeah like four people that did that but like you do it's like 30 isn't middle age obviously like 40 and 40s is middle age but um I think so 45 just kidding but I think a lot of people at 40 have that crisis moment where they're like is this it but like 30 I also understand being like oh no what did I sign up for yeah because 30s I think you really figure out what you're about and you are really not the same person you were in your 20s and also in your your 40s of course I mean so we so we asked you guys you know just based on your relationships like have you been in a rut what do the symptoms look like what were the causes and then what were the solutions and obviously we peppered in like you know a breakup versus a rut and I think we kind of covered that but I think the main question is like trying to figure out if it's worth like staying in and I feel like these happen when the relationships feel monotonous and more like a routine than a relationship and monotony can be pretty unstable and it can also be a breeding ground for boredom and a disconnect like an emotional disconnection with your partner yeah I mean we saw this bucketed out into a lot of different things I mean so we said you know how did you start to know that you were in a rut and this was just a huge like landscape of what people were feeling and you know one thing that came up again and again and again was contempt just I feel a lot of contempt for this I'm angry all the time and I do think we can back up and like you know address each thing but that came up a lot and the idea of just monotony just came up so much we just do the same thing over and over and over again but that's what you can fix and we'll like talk about that today but if you guys know I mean the Gottmans are probably the most famous relationship therapist that there are and you've probably heard this before that the four horsemen in a relationship to kind of predict that it's going to end are criticism contempt and stonewalling and that's not to say if all those four things are happening your relationship you can't work it out but those are signs that the hardest thing for me is resentment and contempt to get past like so many other things came up that we'll talk about but just sort of just apathy overall like just a total lack of wanting to share or hear about your partner like I do think those things can be fixed feeling monotony feeling like our whole life is about logistics there's so much this can be fixed resentment and contempt is it's tough because you're just like I mean unless it's the early stages of like having children and you're just like I'm just gonna life is hard I'm gonna be mad at the person that did this to me and it's you yeah and I mean that can take obviously communication with your partner therapy in some cases inner work like I think about my mom and I mean the problem got solved but is she kind of pissed that you treated her like a certain type of way for a year or two you know like that is really can build up you know like were you down and took it out on me for a fucking year you know like that stuff really can build up where you maybe feel like someone stole some months or years of your life dealing with their own shit and you bearing the brunt of it and then it gets fixed you get a new hip or you get a new job or you make more money yeah but you're resentful of the way it was before because that wasn't fair yeah I think you have to go to therapy and talk about that stuff I mean we'll get into like the solutions but I mean the number one thing that every single person says is like this sucks you have to communicate you just have to talk about it you have to talk about it you have to talk about it go to therapy if you can't afford therapy obviously there's other solutions and tools but like this stuff sucks and you just carrying that resentment and the contempt around with you it it's just like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies like it's just gonna seep into everything a lot of people said you know I just felt emotionally withdrawn whether it was you know from wanting to ask them about their day or share about my day and I think that can also you know you evaluate am I just unhappy with myself do I not want to share what's going on with me is I've dated people that my professional success just made them unhappy it's not that I don't think that they were happy for me it's just it held up candle up to their non-success yeah and that's really hard some other stuff that came up a lot is just a loss of connection overall yeah and just feeling like you know things have gone stagnant lots of logistical talk I'm looking for escapes constantly I mean I realized that in a past relationship that I had that was toxic that I really wanted to get out of town to like get out of uh-huh toxic cycle and just get away from him yeah this came up time and time again from you guys also that I didn't want to be alone with them I just I was constantly looking for reasons to have friends over even if we didn't have plans I got excited when they were leaving and I got sad when they came back like this came up time and time and time again like not even caring what they do in their free time as long as I didn't have to participate in it oh my gosh yeah this came up a lot yeah um a lot of just general agitation over even mundane stuff like I'm just undecided about what's going on and I'm like I don't know what's going on and I'm like I don't all the time like somebody could breathe and you're like I'll kill you yeah right and we asked you guys but if we were just out of curiosity long-term couples who have experienced a relationship rut when did this first happen and I mean we'll give you the results but it's tough to say my goal in wanting to ask this question was like I want to talk to couples who have been together 10 plus years at least and when did this happen but 41 of people said within two or three years 24 said three to four years 18 said four to five years and then 18 said six plus years but these could be coming from couples who are just together two or three years and have been through a rut but I still just want to validate it that these things can happen early you can qualify a rut anything you want to qualify it like some people had sex every day twice a day and now you're just not anymore because the honeymoon phase is over you're not necessarily in a rut it's just you've kind of settled into life I mean the honeymoon phase will end for most people yeah especially if you've had children especially if you've had a long-distance relationship and you move in together like life just becomes monotonous and you can have somebody that thrills you every day and excites you but that's not really real life stable relationships are boring it's on you to make them exciting if you really are stable and healthy and you don't have a bunch of conflict and drama and toxicity that's quote-unquote boring you have to do the things that like make you guys both excited it's on you yes so I mean I guess it depends what your bar is for like what you're doing what you're doing what you're doing what you're like a rut like are you going to be thrilled over the moon pussy dripping to jump all over each other every single weekend is a crazy thing that you've never done before experienced before you're doing date nights three days a week like that's gonna end yeah for most people not kudos to you guys if that's not your case for you but it will end for most people there's nobody that's been with somebody for a substantial amount of time that isn't like yeah we went through some times it sucked and I hate them totally totally um and we asked you guys what you feel like this is the work moving in together money like rain had mentioned before just things just feel logistical you feel like routine or roommates as opposed to romantic partners and all the things complacency complacency came up I mean these are the first three you said they came up over and over and over again complacency just really feeling like you just come home every day and do the same thing and you know just a lot of monotony and it's like when we come home from work and we're both on our phones phones came up so much oh yeah that I come home or we're just on our phones and I'm like oh I'm on our phones and like we don't make dinner together we don't ever put the phones down like one of us walks the dog the other one doesn't it's just you know you get into this routine of like who's gonna walk the dog what's the scheduling who do we have plans with and you forget that you're like you should always date each other you've gotta stop doing all this and I do it too we get into this thing like I'm like okay I will check myself of like we have had too many nights where now in a row where we've gotten into bed and scrolled but this is not sexy and we realize that we've gotten to points where we're like our life just feels kind of like we don't have a lot going on social plans and we we do a lot and we always make sure to have a date night at least like once a week and we yeah we travel we do all the things but like it's just like it's been a lot of nights where we just like we're cooking dinner or watching tv and that's on me too like I think actually should not be happy with doing that every night but I want to do more and get out and be social and things like that but we both agree that we want to make a shift or make a change or you have to be aligned with it like you have to be aligned with it you have to be aligned with it you have to be aligned with it if you were like I really hate that all we do is sit around and scroll and they don't care that's tough yeah then you're really misaligned about how you want to spend your lives not every day can be the craziest day of your life but I saw this couple that and I do want to like obviously this is positive and I want to get into solutions but she said once a month one of us we take turns just planning something like crazy just like a crazy date night that's outside of the realm of what we normally do and to me that feels attainable once a month I have this thing to look forward to because the average person does not have the money to be running around all the time and you've worked in the morning you can't just be like going crazy but to come home and make dinner separately and sit on your phones and not talk to each other I mean life is long you know about dinner you know we have a dinner theory they're not planning dinner together what are you doing literally what are you doing I mean I think you should have a date night once a week if you can and that doesn't mean go out to expensive restaurant that can be going out to somewhere cheap I mean there's so many cheap options or even just going out and getting a beer at a dive bar or cooking at home like really setting that aside I think it should be once a week but also you might be busy and you can't do it and that's okay too like you shouldn't feel pressure in your relationship to keep up with some sort of schedule. I think you should try for once a week at least. You look forward to it. I mean, once a week also, and somebody suggested this in, like, Solutions. Somebody just said, like, our date nights are at home, but, like, we commit to not being on the phone. Yes. We watch something we wouldn't normally watch. We try to, like, really catch up about each other's weeks. I also saw somebody say our date nights are Monday mornings. We just start our week off. I love that. Like, with breakfast. We go to breakfast somewhere and just, like, spend one hour just us. Not on the phone. Like, I never thought about that. You could do morning date nights. Totally. I thought that was really cute. You could just kick your week off like that. Yeah. Shashank and I try once a week to both get up and have a coffee before he goes to work. Like, it doesn't always work out like that. Sometimes he goes in a little bit earlier or I need to sleep later, but we really at least try to have, like, coffee together one morning. It's nice. Also, I want to say, like, I know this stuff is harder with kids, you guys, so just, you know. We validate that. I think something that came up a lot, and this feels like more of a pervasive issue, is just feeling unseen, unappreciated. Like, I think we all want to be. I'm told no matter how long we've been with somebody, you look beautiful today. I appreciate this thing you did. This dinner you cooked is amazing. How was your day today? I'm excited to see you later. And it's so natural after being with somebody for so many years to just forget to say that stuff and, like, think to yourself, like, they know that I appreciate them. But, like, how many girlfriends of ours have just said, like, they don't ever tell me I look nice. Like, they don't say thank you. Yeah. It's, I don't know. That's when I think that people start looking elsewhere for attention. Yeah. Like, how you answer the phone when they call. I mean, how you greet them. Like, I always, I'm like, I want to always make sure I get up when Shashank comes home from work and walks in the door and give him a kiss. As opposed to sitting on the couch and being on my computer or being on my phone and, like, just looking up. Like, I want to physically get up and greet him. That's not that hard. Yeah. But I think it's impactful. No, it's impactful. I think people just start to feel like I'm a piece of furniture in this house. Yeah. And nobody acknowledges me, especially when you become a mom. I think people are just like. I'm mom. I have to cook for everybody. I have to do everybody's laundry. I have to clean. Like, can somebody just tell me how appreciated I am, you know? Yeah. And I think someone might be hearing that and they're going to be like, we've been married for 20 years. I'm not getting up when he walks in. But it's like, yeah, but think about the couple that still does that after 20 years. Those are the ones that we're trying to be like. You know, like, those are the couples that you're like, oh, my gosh. She goes and greets him when he walks in the door. They've been together for 20 years. It's like, that's who you want to be like. So why not do it every fucking day? I agree. And, you know, when we did this episode, I actually don't think I even put this in the slides when we did the polls. We wanted to remove sex. Like, a sexual rut is different than a rut. And I don't think we actually put that in the verbiage. And I was surprised because it didn't come up that much. Like, when people said ruts, it was lack of intimacy, but not lack of sex, really. And a lot of people said, like, just it started to be a lack of intimacy, holding my hand, wanting to spend time with me. Obviously, sex dissipates over time. And so it didn't come up as much. Or saying the only time I felt connected to them was during sex. And I've had relationships like that before, too, where you're just like, I don't feel like you, like, love me ever, except when we're having sex. But intimacy came up a lot. And I think that that's another thing that is just a little bit of an easier fix. Like, just put your arm around somebody, kiss them, things like that. You know, people, I just, I have a nuanced view of cheating, and I never think it's okay. But I do understand how people start to look for attention elsewhere after a long time. We all want to feel attractive and valuable. Yeah. And you really. You really need to make time for the intimacy, I mean, and the sex, but start with intimacy. We talked about this recently on an episode with our favorite professor, Dr. Nicole McNichols, You Could Be Having Better Sex. That was on March 23rd. And schedule sex, sure. We've talked about this so many different times in this podcast about scheduling sex. And a lot of people said that's what they do. But even just the scheduling of the intimacy, that could probably lead to sex. I feel like that's how my relationship works. Like, when we. Spend time, phones are away, TV is off, we're sitting on the couch, maybe we're having a glass of wine and a beer, or even not, but we're really just spending that time with just each other. It usually leads to sex, or at least we feel more connected. And sex is important. Like, I mean, we've been together three years now, plus, and been married, obviously, since last November. And just, obviously, we don't have sex as much. We live together. We're super busy. And so it's just, I have to always be like, we. This is important. And you feel so much more connected afterwards. We do. You know? So we talked about it before. Like, if you are that once-a-week couple, really try to do it. And really try to do it the day that works best. If it's a Sunday afternoon, that couples therapist I mentioned that we had on, he. I think him and his wife have sex Wednesday and Sunday. I think that's. We all have one. We'll talk about it. And, like, is. Or was he talking about another couple? I don't want to misquote him, but it was, like, one day is for her and one's for him. And, again, they both enjoy it, but it's, like, they kind of. It's more what she wants on the Wednesday and what he wants on the Sunday. It was something like that. But you don't have to have appointments and calendar invites, but really just the time with the phones away, the TV off, just the two of you being physically close can lead to sex or not, but at least you'll feel more connected. Yeah. But, you know, just in general, like, you know, we asked you guys, like, how did you know it was just a rut? And a lot of people just said, you know, we both wanted to work. We both wanted to go to therapy. I knew it wasn't their personality. It was just circumstances. I think that's a huge one. Absolutely. Like, is it them or is it the circumstances? I wanted to fix it. I didn't feel indifferent. I mean, we all know that feeling of, like, I don't care. Fix it or don't. It doesn't matter. Like, it felt like temporary uncomfortability as opposed to, like, I didn't care if it worked. We both felt like it was the end and couldn't say it. I feel like a huge weight off when I think about not being in this relationship again. And I think just to validate this, everybody goes through this. Everybody. Like, there is a way back for most of these things, except for when you're just, like, I don't like them and I'm a worse version of myself because of this person. And there's plenty of reasons to leave. Yeah. But for those that want to stay. Well, I put together six questions to ask yourself. Okay. And then I also put together three high, medium, and low budget slash effort ways. Okay. Okay. Give me your questions. Okay. The first question, we've said it, but just to reiterate it, do you feel a sense of relief when you think about not being with him? We do this with everything. Take a job. Go on a trip. Think about not being with him. Do you feel a sense of relief instead of sadness, anxiety, whatever the other negative emotions are? Is the primary feeling relief? That's a tell. Okay. Do you often think there is someone better out there for you or something isn't right here and it's persistent? Because I feel like we all have doubts from time to time. Like, we have crazy thoughts, but is it that nagging feeling? And when are you feeling it? Because I have darker thoughts when it's not sunny out. I have darker thoughts when I'm tired, when I've been drinking a lot. The state of the world when I'm overwhelmed with work. Like, when you are your version of happy, the sun is shining, you're feeling good, and you still feel that way, that's a tell. Okay. Okay. These are great. Three, picture your life without them and how do you feel? Hot take. But picture it. Sit down, close your eyes, and visualize it. And then on that same note, think about something really bad happening. Think about the death of a parent. Think about your dog gets sick. Like, really. The worst thing. Like, that. Like, bad. Bad thing. Death, sickness. And would you want them by your side as your primary person? And I say primary person. I think that's important. Like, if that's the person you're going to live with, but you don't have to. You know, of course, you don't have to cohabitate. But you're going to sign up to be with them forever if that's what you want. Is marriage, like, are they the person you'd want by your side? I think it is so huge. Have you grown in the same direction? Are you equally as evolved as humans? Or have you stopped being able to relate to each other? And I think that's what I'm trying to say. That's what we see a lot with that when you get married in your 20s and you just don't grow in the same direction. Like, are you just bickering? You don't feel the same way. You don't have the same value system anymore. And you feel like you've left them behind. You just kind of coexist. And we see this all the time when you get married really young. I mean, just we don't have the same hobbies. We don't like the same stuff. One person likes to drink a lot more than the other person. We think about money differently. You know? When we have Zach on, the couples therapist, one of the three times when they were considering breaking up was about drinking. So he stopped drinking first and then she hadn't stopped. And it was like kind of surrounding that. It's very fascinating. I want to talk to him about it. And then lastly, do you genuinely enjoy their company 80% of the time? 70%? It's never going to be 100. But like more than half of the time? Or would you rather be alone or with your friends? And this goes back to like wanting to leave and never wanting to be alone with them. Like, what do you think? 80? 75? Yeah. In that range. Yeah. I mean, I think you don't want to feel this deep level of contempt all the time. And annoyance. And I think that like to tag on to your questions, if nothing changed for the next five years, would you be happy? Yeah. Like, is this the kind of person you want to sign up to be with for a really long time? And I think, you know, there's little tweaks that you can make in terms of communication. Therapy does wonders for people. But like if they really didn't change as a person, would you want to stay? Yeah. And I think sex drive can come and go. And that's why I didn't include it. I think that you can feel like you do not want to fuck this person and you can still love them and you can want to stay with them in a healthy relationship. And it'll change. It'll change over time. And hormones are a factor. And so we kind of just remove that. You go really long time, you don't want to fuck them. Okay. We can discuss it. But it's just like I don't think when you're like, I don't have sex with them right now. That's like the hugest red flag in the world. Not to me. I mean, also, sex drive is a massive spectrum. Like how much you want to have sex, how often you want to have sex. Do you have kids? I mean, I can't tell you how many people like when we've done episodes about kids that said like I had kids and I didn't want anybody to touch me. I'm always being touched all the time. If my partner touches me, I like flinch. I know you've got kids sucking on your nipples. you're like don't touch them okay yeah I mean you know so I guess the big question is like you know what helps and obviously the number one thing that everybody said is therapy but not everybody can just go to couples therapy and has the time for it and honest communication and blah blah blah but you know one of the things we've talked to Esther Perel about this we've talked to our just our friends in relationship and we talked to Liz Moody about this is just this novelty effect and you know we found that couples that do new and slightly challenging activities together they report greater relationship satisfaction so I want to talk about couples that do things outside of the relationship and together but people that just try to pick up something new even once a month like you don't have to do extreme sports like mountain biking or rock climbing and certainly plenty of you said that you did do this but like just like say I want to learn how to cook Indian food and do that together tonight and just these really small things just it brings the newness back I think that the thing that we love about new relationships is just like the drive and the excitement and unfortunately you are never going to get that back after a certain period of time and so maybe that's maybe that's a trip maybe that's cooking a new dish maybe it's going to a different farmer's market maybe it's picking a different day of the week to do something just take a road trip I mean you live in LA there's a hundred places you could be at in 90 minutes or New York to go to the Hudson Valley take a train just like spend the afternoon somewhere and that will inject some excitement into your life and also finding things for yourself to be happy about so if you can find some new friends to hang out with new activities new interests new hobbies you know things that people report that when they love their partner the most is watching them do something outside of themselves and it's a problem if you only want to do something outside but having the opportunity to come home and talk to your partner about something you learned or did today that they weren't a part of is so exciting and hopefully they're happy for you and if they're not that's a red flag too you know again that's that growth like if you were trying to improve your life and do new things and pick up new hobbies and make new friends and excel at your career and make more money whatever it may be and they just aren't you know you're not going to be able to do that that could be their personal rut too and that doesn't mean the relationship is over but that's when we talk about growing in different directions because you should be able to do those things and come home and tell them about it and vice versa and that should strengthen the relationship yeah and to find ways to have little like micro connections with your partner and outside of just like who's taking the kids to school today or like who do we have plans with next week or what does my family need us to do for the holidays like just these little things like inside jokes and ways to be like silly with each other and make fun of each other and just these like tiny things where like you always say like you know i don't saturday mornings or sunday mornings you go to the farmer's market every saturday morning at the farmer's market it's just and that's a routine thing but we look forward to it every week and it's like a great i don't know it's like i love that too i love new novelty excitement but then you're this having this cornerstone of the relationship that for us is every saturday morning the farmer's market it's just if you can say like that's our thing that's our thing you know if you can find it like that's really nice to be like we're that couple and the characters like we're talking to the farmer's market you know like we're the coffee lady and the pasta guy and the guy with no shoes and on the ground like yes you have those characters in that part of your life too like my brother always makes up lyrics to songs and just sings them to my sister-in-law it's very funny he just like makes up alternate like that's their thing yeah he makes up alternate lyrics to songs and she just giggles and they're just they're silly together and they've been together 15 16 years at this point like they're just silly with each other yeah and becoming more interesting too this is something that tinks talks about a lot you have something discussed at a dinner party or with your friend but with your partner but both read an article and discuss it and if they don't want to weird it is like i love talking about current events with shashank like it's one of the hottest things you know he tells me things i may not know about and i share the same and he might know a little bit more about this topic and i know more like i like learning new things through him and discussing and understanding more of what he thinks how his brain works all that stuff that stuff is hot too and that can be done on the couch it doesn't cost a dime and if you're both like that that's what's important and if you're i think some people feel like they don't want to grow at all but um so self-expansion theory people often feel most alive in relationships when they feel like they're still growing so learning traveling changing careers meeting new people taking risks and i love that you said it doesn't cost anything yeah read an article outside of something that you don't normally read about and then tell your partner about it discuss their thoughts and feelings i'd like to know what you think about this yes it's hot so i just came up with these are not hot takes guys don't get excited but just like low medium high budget slash effort of ways to bring this novelty into your life and stuff that sustains you like stuff you talk about for days weeks years to come so obviously low is watching a show together like picking a show making it your show phones away when pop culture jeopardy was on also shashank's family was on the show but like we watch pop culture jeopardy they put out an episode every day like it was live on netflix like every night sometimes i'd get a glass of wine or he would have a beer we'd be so excited we miss those days so much like because that's what it's like to be a part of a show it's an interactive show too like that was our show we miss it every day and again his cousins were on it and they were honestly the stars of the show but right now we're doing widow's bay and it's just fun like it's a little scary and then we have our jokes about the show like shashank's like the fog you know like if you guys have watched it you know you know but this is dated now at this point but um we probably finished it but like come and doing the show that's the cheapest way the medium is the activity you've never done and that can really just be trying a new cuisine a restaurant maybe taking a little road trip or something like that but it's just a trip to a restaurant that's farther out in a different neighborhood but whatever it is if it's the cooking class or it's the rock climbing or the hike like whatever it is like something new that you both haven't done together or it even can be walking around a new neighborhood and then high budget effort is the trip and it can be a weekend trip like you mentioned or it can be a trip trip i mean to experience another country and culture with your partner is so exciting so much novelty so hot and gives you content and things to discuss and experiences that last i just think like anything food based any adventure like if you want to sort of be up the middle in terms of price like in la you can go to boil heights and eat the best mexican food like you can go to thai town korea town like explore new areas of your city and just have like a new experience with somebody in new york obviously you can go to go to queens in brooklyn and there's a million different cuisines you can experience um and we asked our audience also i love what you wrote um we asked our audience what they do and here's something we just said like an unexpected thing that kept our relationship fun is blank finish this sentence okay and somebody said hired a house cleaner yep i mean so i was at this talk the other night about people's sexual relationships and um somebody asked the person that the speaker like what turns you on the most and she was like well my husband cleans the house and like she said it as a joke and the rest of them was like yes girl but like that's a real thing we talked about shamba drams chore play like play yeah like when you walk into the house and it is just messy like nothing is more agitating to me and less sexy so hire a house cleaner yeah we have also talked about this for years of just taking it off your plate if you can afford it and again someone's got to do the dishes and clean the kitchen after you eat and things like that but like we have our house cleaner comes every two weeks i don't want to clean i don't i mean i i tidy up i'm very tidy and i really love a really clean house but i don't want to do it i don't want to talk about who's going to do it and again not everybody can afford that but ours is it's 200 bucks every two weeks and that 400 is so well spent for us not to have to be a be in a clean house all the time and b not have to worry or argue about who's to clean and what yeah it's just i think it just puts you in a nice environment now you're ready to have fun yeah now you're ready to like make fun of each other i mean get a dog just a shared responsibility you know video games came up kind of a bit which really made me laugh taking weed gummies and playing video games solutions our friends alissa we were this was the um wedding we went to in cabo recently alissa amaroso and her husband sean we found out pretty long into the relationship they were gamers i did not see it coming and she's i mean i don't want to be like she looks like she'd be high maintenance but she looks like she'd be a little more high maintenance chic fashion girl yes he's a doctor video games that's crazy she's like a influencer fashion person he's a doctor that's their secret life is gaming um you know what shashank used to do a lot in the beginning of the relationship and i was like that's okay as i'm sending somebody surprise snacks yeah or just bring home surprise snacks leave little notes around the house for somebody yeah cards i have partners that would just like hide notes that just said like i love you or have a good day they slip it in your bag slip it in your like suitcase when you go out of town like man you feel so noticed and remembered by somebody it means the world bring them home their favorite snack it's a dollar it's doritos oh my god like hey guys if you're listening you go to the gas station which you should be going to the gas station filling up her car i shouldn't ever be pumping gas i'm a married woman but like get her favorite snack why not yes just these tiny little touches cheap tiny things i mean a note's free do a note just remember to flirt with each other and that kind of stuff and just tell somebody to look nice dancing in the kitchen in the kitchen we have a thing around the house that's like dancey there's a little sound effect it's gonna be this is our secret private life but we do it when i'm like in my like darkest times and it like i'm laughing by the end of it like he knows how to bring me out of like the darkest times i've had like some things happen recently i'll probably talk about them on this podcast maybe like next week or the week after i've had a loss and just you know also questioning my life decisions and things like that but like the really hard stuff a couple things have happened this year like he comes home and i'm like i mean i get up and i kiss him but i'm like despondent sometimes and like he knows how to bring me out of it and he's like he's cracked the code i have haven't even cracked the code sometimes i'm just like i'm just gonna let her cook just gonna let her cry doing modeling going to raves is that jenny and micah i mean i a lot of people said we just started doing different types of drugs different type of sexual positions discussing our sexual fantasies like i do think it's important to not write sex off you can do whatever you want but like i know so many people just say like i don't feel like having sex with them anymore it's a chore and that's fine you can do whatever you want in your relationship but i do encourage people to not write sex off completely orgasms are important for your mental health for your physical health yeah feeling connected to your partner sexually and don't write somebody off that like they couldn't possibly handle it because i've seen couples do that and split up and i just i always think like what if like what if you had just said like i have these sexual fantasies i'd like to try them what's the harm like they're gonna think you're a crazy person no they're not and i know these are really hard it's much easier said than done but don't just write off sex you know if you really feel like you just hit the end like try sex toys actually i have a great line of sex toys it's called vibes only go to vibes only.com we have flavored oral gels we have lube we have all kinds of couples toys we have handcuffs and a lot of fun stuff for you guys we have a sex pillow so oh yeah the sex pillow just incorporate something but don't totally write it off because it's fun and i feel like couples that i know that like go for a long time without having sex always say like man when we do it i'm like why don't we do this i always say that yeah i'm like oh we gotta be doing this more often i have thought we've been busy but i have thought maybe when things settle down to be like we're having sex every day this week just to just to see uh-huh let's just see let's just like i i would like couples to maybe you guys are already doing that we are not doing that we don't have sex every day like we had sex multiple times a day when we were long distance but those are short periods of time but we are not a couple big reveal that has sex every day or even three times a week we have sex every day we have sex every day we have sex every day we have sex once or twice a week crazy amount of time i've just thought about this like okay what if we are like every day this week let's just see i wonder what it would do i think i'm gonna do it i think some sex i think sex begats more sex yes that's what i'm saying and like once you just start like getting the juices flowing so i think this is an experiment i'd love you guys to try and leave a comment publicly or message me privately like babe this week monday to sunday every day we're gonna find the time we're gonna do it maybe do it in different places or just every night in the bed missionary just see what happens i love i want to know the results um but i really do want to circle back to getting a dog because if you have the resources and the time to care for a pet again i wouldn't get a pet if you really think you're gonna break up but i really think it's so fun to have a pet around the house the voices and the nicknames you have for them and taking care of something together again though but if someone if you break up then make sure you have it in place of who's gonna take the dog yeah i just want to end with this one email because i do really think it's like a good one we asked you guys for email submissions and stories of like a point where you were like is this over and it wasn't and we just got one that we really liked and spoke to us and she's younger so we'll speak to some of our younger audiences okay so she writes in my current fiance and i have been together for over eight years we met in college and about two years in we hit a rut he's a year older so after graduation i moved to his city joined his gym and spent most of my time with his friends somewhere along the way i realized so much of my identity had become wrapped up in him about a year after college i had this overwhelming urge to find myself i convinced myself our relationship was stagnant and that he was holding me back from becoming the ambitious best version of myself i wondered if we were only together because we had such a strong connection early on it was comfortable and the sex was good after months of debating whether to leave i realized finding myself wasn't something i was going to do by ending a relationship it was something i had to do by building my own life i stopped making it about him and started making it about me i spent years listening to this podcast hosted by two hilarious girls who felt like my big sisters and i decided to actually take their advice i joined bumble bff picked up new hobbies and became less difficult and i started to on him i created a life for myself one where if he suddenly left tomorrow it wouldn't feel completely empty i'm turning 30 in january and i still don't think i've completely quote-unquote found myself but i'm proud of the life i built my fiance is no longer the center of it he's incredible addition to it i don't believe in soulmates or finding each other in every lifetime i roll i kind of like that quote i believe we're two independent people who love each other work hard at our relationship and are lucky enough to share our lives together now when one of us feels a rut creeping in we say i'm in a funk talk through it apologize if needed and then go do something we enjoy together like walking to the dog park and picking out which one is the cutest perfect i think ruts are a normal part of long-term relationships just like the pressure to find yourself in your 20s as the queen samantha jones said it all comes down to whether you're spending more time smiling than frowning with my fiance i'm absolutely smiling more often than not that's such a great email and i just want to circle back to isabel clee who we had on recently and you can read the full story in her book she shared it on the podcast as well but when you're reading that book you are shocked they break up i know so i had read the book halfway we had her on and i kind of liked hearing the story before i even read it but when you read it even more you're like what the fuck and you're like these people they're the love of each other's lives and then she breaks up with him and she really just had to find herself go to therapy work through all this stuff and they are getting married and it's just these stories are they're inspiring and that's for you to figure out if it's over or it's just a rut i just i found this particularly inspiring because it took a turn i didn't expect she was like to fix my relationship i fixed my own life and through that i realized i wanted to yeah i realized i wanted to be with him and yeah you don't hear that a lot a lot of people are like we fix us or i leave yeah and this girl was like no it turns out all i needed was like interests and hobbies and something outside of this and it strengthened the core of my relationship she nailed it i just i thought it was just so beautifully written and um you know message us we'll come to your wedding one day we will go to an audience member's wedding yeah i mean honestly if we're not touring anymore we should just be out here doing weddings i gotta finish a tour let's we let's make we should do that and like make a show where we just surprise people at their weddings that's the whole show doesn't does that have to be a surprise or do we like officiate we'll be like this the jewish christian i want to a wedding like that because you know we'd be centering ourselves i'd be like put lift me in the chair i don't think people would care i think they'd be like let them cook okay we'll come to your wedding but we have to headline it we do this center of attention yeah we're wearing white um okay well i hope you guys enjoyed this episode and us being back together you can find us at girls gotta eat.com girls gotta eat podcast instagram and tiktok i'm ash hess on instagram and tiktok reina is reina.greenberg reina greenberg.com for fall tour tickets the summer dates are done and dusted and you can watch a full video on spotify and youtube share this episode with a friend let us know what you think leave a comment subscribe on youtube and we will see thursday have a good week guys bye you