How To Feel Secure Without Constant Reassurance

hey everyone welcome back to Jillian on love today I talk about severe anxious attachment and what you have to do in order to feel more secure inside yourself and to bring more security to your relationships plus the games that we play with ourselves to justify being in a situation with someone who's emotionally unavailable and assessing if we are actually the ones who are emotionally unavailable and how to and how to deal with that how to cope with that and how to ultimately heal that so without further ado here I go hi Jillian I just finished listening to your stop abandoning yourself for unavailable men or emotionally unavailable people and there was a part of me that was like oh my god I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry in there that you mentioned if someone doesn't match your values and they're fun and you're attracted to them to have a fling with them and to go have fun with them and I find myself stuck in that situation currently and I also am trying to figure out if I am emotionally unavailable I know that sounds crazy to not know it just seems like I get scared every time someone kind of comes towards me and I'm like oh my god I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry and wants to ask me out and take me out and I don't seem to be open interested and ready for that particular person but it seems like the person who I am wanting more with is the one that's emotionally unavailable so my question is is how far can we actually take it with someone who's emotionally unavailable and who is undateable and is it even worth saying something to and laying down a boundary to if they are not dateable and I still have feelings for them and questioning if I am emotionally unavailable to the right people okay so right off the bat I want to I want to help save you from yourself because you're I could tell you're I could tell you're emotionally unavailable to the right people okay so right off the bat I want to hang out with someone who you have feelings for but you know they're not right and like maybe I lay down a boundary and this and that and these are the games that we so easily play with ourselves and so you are in the midst of a pattern trying to circumvent circumvent your way around it to make it so that it works okay so just let's just acknowledge that you are in the midst of a pattern that has been not serving you that's been not serving you and that's been actually been hurting you and no you do not want to continue to hang out with this person and lie to yourself that you don't actually have feelings and that you're not actually repeating a familiar pattern okay so that's the tough love I think you may have may have misinterpreted what I did say in my other episode what I what I was saying is that we have to be able to tell the difference between a love story and a life story or a fun fling and a life story and a lot of people most people can't tell the difference or they just don't want to be able to tell the difference and so I don't condone just having a bunch of flings and and never getting close to someone I think that that's that usually speaks to a pattern of someone who is like you said afraid of allowing someone to get close what I am saying is that sometimes you there will be a scenario where you meet someone there's a lot of chemistry they're totally wrong and you decide to have a fun weekend with them that's fine you know everyone to each their own but then don't be the person who then gets into a situation ship and then you're you know your feelings are involved and then you don't know what to do and should I lay down a boundary no you have feelings for someone who's unavailable you're human that's the pattern that you want to break so the real question is are you emotionally unavailable I don't know but clearly you're afraid of allowing someone close to you because you said anytime someone actually is interested and and does start to pursue you you get afraid so that's where that's where the secret sauce is it's like we want to get investigative about that what is that about some possible reasons are deep down you don't actually feel that you are worthy of the love that you crave and desire that somehow um you only think you're worth people who are not actually interested in you you know sometimes when someone's interested in us if our self-esteem is low enough we might think to ourselves what's wrong with you that you're actually into me you know and so and that's that's a lot more common than you would think it could be that um you're afraid of someone who's not actually interested in you you're afraid that if someone really truly gets to know you that they will eventually leave you and so if you don't let yourself get too close because if you're constantly with emotionally unavailable people then you're constantly chasing and you're constantly playing these games with yourself and then you're never actually reaching true emotional closeness and intimacy and if you're never really reaching true emotional closeness and intimacy then you're never going to risk really getting your heart broken yeah you can risk I don't know, rejection with these people and then tell yourself a story like no one ever wants me and all that. But like the true heartbreak that comes with being in love with someone and having a life with them and then them deciding they no longer love you or they no longer want to be with you is absolutely emotionally catastrophic. And if you don't let anyone too close, then you never have to risk that. You never have to risk handing over your heart to someone who could potentially stomp on it. This episode is sponsored by Quince. Quince specializes in effortless, high quality essentials. By the way, I'm wearing one of their t-shirts right now. Like ultra soft cotton, organic cotton and premium Mongolian cashmere sweaters. They're beautifully tailored. They are actually built to last and they don't just fall apart. And they actually transition seamlessly from morning meetings to dinner. Also, Quince has premium stretch denim starting at just $50. Yeah, with kind of a perfect fit and weight you'd expect from actually a luxury designer brand. I have these incredible soft linen like pajamas like that I just hang out. I literally change into them as soon as I get home from a from a long day of recording. And I have to tell you, I just I love them. So upgrade your every day. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash on love. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada and the UK too. That's q u i n c e.com slash on love. What is the thing that holds us back more than anything else in the world? It's it's fear. And I wish that there was like something that you could take like a magic pill that would make it all go away. And I don't know if you've done therapy or spoken to anyone about this about you know, where this comes from, or, you know, is there something possibly from childhood from a relationship with your mom or your dad that could be influencing this that is worth exploring so that you can have better understanding. But at the end of the day, the fear is still going to be something that you're going to have to contend with. So yes, understand yourself, have some insight into yourself, because self awareness is very important. But then the next step is making a decision that you are going to do whatever it takes to deepen your breathing and relax your body and let love in and to give people who are who you find interesting and who you find nice and who you find attractive, a chance who are available, only the ones who are available, and to actually get off the roller coaster of these flings that where you are unintentionally creating a lot of drama for you. And, and I and that's another thing that could potentially be happening. It could be that you're a little addicted to the drama, a little addicted to the highs and lows, a little addicted to the chase. And that there's a part of you that really likes uncertainty, but your life is feeling a little boring. And you don't know how to meet your needs for adventure. And so that you're seeking out to meeting that need for adventure through these sort of dysfunctional relationships. These are all things to consider. But what I do truly hope for you is that you stop playing that game with yourself with this person. No, don't talk about it. Don't talk about boundaries. You're trying to figure out a way how you can keep this person in the fling category so you don't have to let go of them, but you have feelings for them. And I really want you to be able to see how that is a game where everyone loses, particularly you. And, um, it's one that I want you to stop playing with yourself. And so I hope this helps. This episode is sponsored by Forkful. Eating well can be difficult, like really challenging when life gets busy and like finding time for meal planning or cooking. God, it just can be such a challenge. And I am just not into the whole takeout thing. 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That's forkfulmeals.com slash Jillian and use code Jillian for 50% off. Thanks to Forkful for sponsoring this episode. Hi, Jillian. When I communicated my anxious, preoccupied feelings with my partner, I was told to stop being so full on. How do I start to work through my feelings internally and not take everything to my partner? So just answering this generally, this is always just so difficult. Oftentimes when people come to me and they're extremely anxious in their relationships and after I have a set, that their partner is actually not doing anything to make them anxious. They're not repeatedly shutting down or doing this or doing that. And we're really just dealing with someone who brings that kind of preoccupied, obsessive anxiety, insecurity into their relationships. Often what's happening is that every time we bring that, this person brings that insecurity to them, they're not doing anything to make them anxious. They're not doing anything to make them anxious. They're not doing anything to make them to their partner, what they're really doing without noticing is they're pointing the finger. They're pointing the finger at their partner. You're not doing enough of this. You're not making me secure enough in this. And I've seen this behavior push partners away because they're like, I don't know what else to do. I don't know how much more reassuring I can do. Because ultimately, we have to be able to hold two truths. I know that as people, we like things to be very binary and fit into these nice little neat boxes, but human behavior just doesn't. We have to be able to feel secure with our partner. We have to be able to receive reassurance from our partner once in a while. That's important. Loving someone comes with tremendous risk. And we have to make each other feel safe. And our partner is not responsible for making us happy or feel safe. We have to also come to the table with some baseline security and not make it our partner's responsibility like it was our parents' responsibility when we were children to make us safe. And sometimes when we have a tremendous amount of insecurity and anxiety and anxious attachment, we are trying to make our partner into our parent and we are a little child. And that never works. And it kills the relationship. It kills attraction. And it's very overwhelming. But let's not forget how overwhelming it is. To be in the position of feeling that level of insecurity, no matter what our partner does. This episode is sponsored by Jevity. Jevity is the first all-in-one precision health membership, testing, clinician-built protocols, personalized supplements, and prescription therapeutics, all in one plan. They simplify the path to a healthier you. Because most of us will get blood work done, we'll see something flagged maybe, and then have no idea what's going on. 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That's an exclusive 20% off membership for my listeners. Just go to G-O-G-E-V-I-T-I.com. We also have to consider our partner. Like if our partner is reassuring us and loving us and kind to us, and all we're doing is like bringing more insecurity to them and telling them how they're not doing enough, we're being essentially selfish. And we do as human beings become very selfish because everything becomes about our safety. And we don't even think about the other person and how it might be for them and how they're experiencing the relationship. And so when we're really insecure, everything becomes about me, myself, and I, and my needs are the most important thing that need to be met right now. That's how kids operate. And as adults, we can't operate like that, even though we do. So your question is, is a, I really, I really, um, honor your question. Um, I, I don't, I don't know the details of the relationship, but, um, you should be able to go to your partner for a lot of things. But if you can admit to yourself, to the person who called in, to anyone who's watching this or listening to this right now, if you can admit to yourself, I have, I deal with a lot of insecurity that I had well before I ever met this person. In fact, this is something that comes up in all my romantic relationships. And so I have to be able to say, it begins with me that this is not a them problem. This is mostly a me problem. And so I have to be able to say, that I keep bringing to relationships. So how do we heal from this? A part, a big part of it is just learning how to, so there's two things. There's learning how to quote unquote self-soothe in the moment so that you are not being impulsive in, um, your communication. And then the deeper part is, well, how do I actually learn how to feel safer inside myself? And some people, they just feel unsafe in the world. And some people, they just feel unsafe in a relationship because there's, they're so afraid of abandonment. And that's a longer process in the moment, because this is what your question was. The self-soothing is always to take a deeper breath. It's always to move your body in some way. It's always to change something physiologically first, before you try to go into changing anything in yourself. And that's a longer process. And that's a longer psychology. So you might find that you need a good meal because anxiety tends to go up as blood sugar goes down. You might find that you need to go out and touch grass, you know, with your hands, with your feet to ground yourself. You might find that you need to go for a run. You might find that you actually need some co-regulation with a friend, with a family member, with a pet, it's not going to take away all the fear, but it really does help. And it's how we become responsible and self-responsible adults. It's how we learn to give ourselves the love that we so desperately want from someone else. And it is a very loving thing to eat a meal when you're hungry, to drink some water, to be attuned to what your body needs, to make that call to your friend or your mentor so that you can remind yourself of who you really are, which is way more powerful than you think yourself to be because people who are very anxious and anxiously attached and insecure in their relationships forget how powerful they are. And so you remind yourself, you physiologically ground first or another way to think of it is it's either grounding or you center yourself. You do that physiologically first. So you get your nervous system to kind of take a beat and to get as close or sympathetic state as you possibly can, just closer to the rest and digest. And then after you've done that self-soothing, then you kind of have to rate how urgent is what I feel I have to say is now. Maybe before it was at a 10 and now it's at a five. That's great. Okay. How can I get this at a three? Or maybe you really relax. You talk to some friends and it's still bothering you. Well, then something's bothering you and you need to speak up. But again, if your pattern is to go immediately to rush into fight or flight, if your pattern is to have consistent insecurity, and this is something that's, that you bring to the relationship, it's not something that the relationship has brought out in you. Then, like I said, you get yourself to a calmer state. And if it's still gnawing at you, then you can say, you know what, this is something that I have to bring up. And then you learn to communicate. And you learn to communicate in a way where it's not finger pointing, not you always, I need this from you. I need this from you. I, you know, you're not doing enough. It's, hey, I know you probably didn't mean this, but something hurt my feelings and I want to talk about it. And you do that from a centered place. This episode is sponsored by Simple Practice. 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And if you have a lot of time talking about it, write a letter. I don't want you to have important conversations over text. I don't want there to be a back and forth over text. But if that initial thing is really hard and you express yourself better through the written word, then write a letter to your partner. Write a little note. The deeper work is just understanding where this all came from more safe in your body. And I always say that it's learning how to meet your needs. You know, because I've worked with many people in your position where there's actually something contextually happening, meaning they are not feeling well physically, they're going through some sort of physical illness, or they're out of work, or they don't like their work, or they're experiencing some sort of fracture in a key relationship outside of their romantic relationship. So always ask yourself, is there something else going on in my life right now that's making me feel not as empowered inside my being that has nothing to do with the relationship, but yet is influencing how I'm showing up in the relationship? Always have to ask yourself that first. And usually there is something. Usually, there's like, I don't feel as connected to community. I don't feel as connected to my body. Usually, underneath all that, there are some needs that are not being met that you have to learn how to meet and even seek help in meeting, whether it's building stronger community, whether it's certain hobbies, whether it's something in your work life, whether it's something in your physical health. Whether it's something in how you relate to your body. Usually there's always something else there that's happening. And if you can write that down, you know, like your need for growth, your need for adventure, your need for community, your need for connection, that's separate from your romantic relationship. And if you can write that down, you know, like your need for growth, your need for relationship, your need for, I think I may have said this already, but just in case, adventure. Or maybe it's your need for safety that is something along the realm of financial stability, because maybe something's going on with work and you're feeling, you know, you're feeling ungrounded there and feeling ungrounded financially. When we peel away the onion of our insecurity, usually what we find are unmet needs that if we can identify them, that's the first step in then trying to meet them and coming up with a plan to meet them. But the first step is to understand and to identify the unmet needs. And the more skilled you become at understanding your needs, because we all have these needs for connection, for growth, for adventure, for love, for feeling significant in life. Every single human being has these needs, but not every single human being has these needs. Every single human being is feeling like they're lacking in the same needs. So what are the needs that are missing, that are not being fulfilled at a high level? Identify that first and then come up with a plan to meet those needs, because the moment you become the person who is better able to meet your own needs is the moment you become more secure. I hope this helps. Jillian on Love is a Q Code production, executive produced by David Henning and Steve Wilson. Produced and edited by Travis Howe. Music by Will Tendi.