How to Communicate So People Actually Listen

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Hey everyone, welcome back to my YouTube channel. Thank you so much for being here. If you haven't subscribed already, make sure you do so you never miss an episode. Today is all about how to communicate so people actually listen. How many of you feel unheard at work? How many of you feel unheard at home? How many of you feel like you can never get a word in when you're around your friends or you can't come on authority in a team meeting? If any of you have struggled with this, this episode is for you. After listening to this, you'll be able to better articulate how you feel. You'll be able to actually make an impact when you speak. And you'll know the tools to actually help people listen when you decide to open your mouth. Let me start with something that might feel uncomfortable. Most of us think we're good communicators. We think we're being clear, we think we're being honest, we think we're being direct. But the research says otherwise. A study from Harvard found that people overestimate how clearly they communicate by more than 40%. In other words, we think we're obvious but other people are confused, defensive or overwhelmed. Think about it. If we were all greater communicating, we wouldn't have workplace friction. We wouldn't have that argument at home. We wouldn't get triggered when someone says anything. It's the reason why texts get misread, meetings go in circles, arguments repeat themselves, and people leave conversations feeling unheard. Because communication isn't about what you say, it's about what lands. And isn't about what you meant, it's about what they heard. Communication isn't about winning the argument, it's about protecting the relationship. Communication isn't about intensity, it's about clarity. And today I want to talk about how to communicate effectively a work, home and in life, not with scripts, not with tricks, but with principles grounded in psychology, neuroscience, and human behavior. If you stay with me, this episode will change how people respond to you, how often conflict escalates, and how often you feel misunderstood. And I know what you're thinking, Jay, I hate difficult conversations, I struggle to speak up for myself when you're in the right place. Here's the shift that changes everything. Communication is not self-expression. Communication is shared understanding. Most people communicate from intention, effective communicators communicate from impact. You might intend to be helpful, but it might land as critical. You might intend to be honest, but it might land as harsh. You might intend to be efficient, but it might land as dismissive. And the gap between intention and impact is where most communication breaks down. So let's close that gap. I'm sure so many of you listening right now are thinking, Jay, I always want people to feel better. I want to make people feel good. I want to share things sensitively, but it doesn't always get received that way. Well let's start with principle number one, regulate before you communicate. Here's something most people don't know. You can't communicate well when your nervous system is dysregulated. Neuroscience shows that when you're stressed, triggered or defensive, blood flow literally shifts away from the prefrontal cortex. The part of the brain responsible for reasoning, empathy and language, and it moves toward the amygdala, the part responsible for threat and survival. Which means this, when you're activated, you don't communicate, you react. That's why emails sound colder than intended. That's why arguments escalate so fast. That's why you say things and immediately think, I shouldn't have said that. Think about this for a moment. When someone says something in a meeting, and it triggers you, they stole your idea. They cut you off. They presented something that you know wasn't accurate. They're getting credit. When all of these emotions are running through your mind and you choose to speak, you're more likely to make yourself look worse than you are to make yourself look better. If you don't choose to regulate and you react, instead of respond effectively, you actually create more issues for yourself long term and make more people not want to listen to you than when you're able to keep your calm. This isn't about emotional bypassing. I'm not saying to not worry about it. I'm not saying not even to get involved. I'm saying that you want to come from a position of strength, not from a position of weakness. Effective communicators do something simple but powerful. They pause, not to avoid the conversation, but to protect the outcome. At work, this looks like not replying immediately to a triggering message, drafting the email, then revising it. At home, this looks like saying, I need a minute, instead of raising your voice. Remember this. The calmest person in the conversation sets the emotional temperature. Regulation is not weakness. It's leadership. We think if you're quiet or you pause, you sound weak. Actually, the most powerful speakers, whether on a stage or in a meeting, use pause most effectively to draw people in, to get people to lean in, to get people to actually listen. It shows a sense of self-control when people talk at a slower pace, when they have the ability to actually hold back on that emotion. Because guess what everyone thought you were about to respond emotionally. And in that moment, if you're able to pull back so that you can actually respond from a place of feeling centered, it's incredible how much impact you can have. Principle two, clarity beats intensity. Most people think being passionate makes them persuasive. Research shows the opposite. Studies in organizational psychology show that clear, concise communication is perceived as more competent and more trustworthy than emotional intensity. Intensity feels powerful to the speaker. Intensity feels safe to the listener. That's where long explanations often backfire. They feel like pressure. They feel like justification. They feel like emotional flooding. Effective communicators simplify. Instead of, I just feel like this keeps happening and I don't know if you realize how much it affects me and I've tried to bring it up before. They say, "When this happens, I feel overlooked. I need a heads up next time." One truth, less noise. Think about that for a second. We think the more words we say, the more passionate we are, the more likely someone's going to get an understanding of it. But the reality is, if we just say, "When you do this, I feel this." Let me know next time. How would you like me to respond next time? All of a sudden we have very clear information signaled to the other person. One of my favourite quotes from Albert Einstein says, "If you can't explain something simply, you don't understand it well enough. Simple communication is not a sign of a lack of intelligence. It's a sign of deep understanding." understanding as a speaker, a leader, a communicator, a manager, whatever you may be. If you're able to be concise, simple, it will be so much more powerful. Remember this. Confusion creates resistance. Clarity creates cooperation. If someone doesn't understand you, they can't support you. Good communicators ask if they were understood. Good communicators assume they were. Good communicators aim for understanding. Bad communicators aim to be right. Notice the difference. Principle three, people don't argue with facts, they argue with threat. Here's a powerful insight. Most disagreements are not about facts. They're about identity and safety. When people feel embarrassed, judged or blamed, their brain stops listening. Let me say that again, when people feel embarrassed, judged or blamed, their brain stops listening. How many times have you stopped listening when you felt that way? Now think about all the times you spoke that way and thought it would affect someone. I know I've made that mistake. I constantly feel that if someone really understands what they got wrong or they were really made clear on the mistake they made, that would make them listen more. But actually, we're not listening to that because it's not factual. It feels like opinion, it feels personal, it feels like an attack. Researching conflict psychology shows that once someone feels threatened, they prioritize self-protection over understanding. This is actually mind-blowing. You think about all the interactions you have, homework, when you make someone feel attacked, they're only thinking about protecting themselves. Effective communicators lower threat first. At work, here's what I'm seeing, tell me if I'm missing something. At home, this matters to me and I want to understand your side. These phrases do one thing. They create safety. Remember this, people don't need to feel corrected. They need to feel considered. Once safety is present, truth can land. Before sharing feedback, before saying something that's hard to hear, before you're about to have a difficult conversation, first, set safety. Second, make sure that anything you're saying is coming with the intention of safety and choose your words that really align with that energy because you want to have an impact. A lot of people say, "Well, I should just be able to say what I want and people should understand." Well, if that's what you want, then that isn't a relationship based on care. It's not a relationship based on love. It's not a relationship based on connection. It's a relationship based on you wanting people to understand you, but not taking the moment to understand them. I think this can all change for us. It can all change when we prioritize principle for questions, change everything. One of the most powerful communication tools is curiosity. Research from negotiation psychology shows that asking open-ended questions reduces defensiveness and increases cooperation, statements trigger resistance, questions invite collaboration. Instead of, "You're not listening." Ask, "Can you tell me what you heard from what I just said?" Instead of, "This isn't working," ask, "What do you think would make this work better?" Questions shift the dynamic from opposition to partnership. Here's a phrase that instantly de-escalates tension. Help me understand. That sentence creates space where conflict used to be. There are so many challenges with the growth of AI. There are so many risks that it presents. But one of the things that I'm grateful it has done is that it has brought humans back to asking better questions. We grew up at a time when answers were everything. Now we know answers are everywhere, and all of a sudden questions and prompts are the key to our intelligence. The better you are asking questions, the better results you'll actually get from AI. So that's a great way for us to test whether we know how to ask good questions, whether our questioning and curiosity ability is actually improving. That's the goal. If you can do that, you will actually lead your team guide people, move people in a much stronger way. This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods where your back-to-school eats are sorted. Start their amazing quality standards with 300 food ingredients banned store-wide. No hydrogenated fats, nothing in store has high fructose corn syrup, and there's a great selection of allergen-friendly options too. Pick up your easy breakfast of frozen waffles, pack the lunch boxes with organic seedless grapes, and baby carrots. Then plate up thin crust pizzas and a family-style salad for dinner after a long day of learning. Shop back-to-school must-haves at Whole Foods Market, in store or online. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision-making, and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Adoptions are selected by the customer, availability, amount of discounts, and savings, and eligibility vary by state. This episode is brought to you by Amazon Health AI. Before this podcast continues, I need you to fill out 37 forms about your listening history. I'll wait. Forget it, that would be ridiculous. Yeah, we all do it every time we need health care, but the new Amazon Health AI is different. It can connect your symptoms with your medical history to offer personalized care 24/7. Amazon Health AI is here. Health care just got less painful. Principle 5. You might have heard this before, but pay attention. Tone carries more than words. Let's really talk about tone. Let's really look at it. Studies from UCLA and other communication research show that in emotionally charged situations, tone and body language carry more meaning than words alone. You can say the right thing in the wrong tone and still lose the moment. Effective communicators align tone with intention. If you want collaboration, soften your voice. If you want clarity, slow your pace. If you want connection, lower your volume. Here's the truth, how you say something determines whether it becomes a conversation or a conflict. Let me say that again. How you say something determines whether it becomes a conversation or a conflict. Tone is not cosmetic. It's communication. But we think, oh, if I care, someone should just get that. No, they're getting your tone. You just think, well, if I'm enthusiastic, someone should just get that. You think, oh, yeah, of course, someone knows I respect them. In every moment, people are listening to the sound of your tone and having an emotional reaction to it far greater than they're listening to the words you say. It's how we process. We say things like, did you hear how she said that to me? Did you hear what that sounded like? Rarely does someone say, did you hear the exact words they said? No. Did you hear how they said that? Did you hear how he made me feel? Notice how it's all emotional. Tone is emotional. Communication is emotional. So many arguments could be avoided if we changed our tone. And I know what you're thinking, Jay, why do I need to change my tone? Maybe something's been done wrong to me. Maybe I've been her. That's totally fair. And your feelings are valid, your emotions are real. So what do you want from this conversation? What do you want from this connection? Do you want impact? Do you want growth? Do you want a solution? Do you want movement? Or do you just want more chaos? Because if you want more chaos, we'll just carry on as we are. But if we really want growth, if we really want to move forward, if we want our lives to go in the right direction, these skills are so valuable. But all of this won't work without Principle 6. Close the loop. Close conversations fail at the ending. People walk away thinking, wait, what did we decide? Are we on the same page? Did that actually resolve anything? Effective communicators close the loop. They end conversations with alignment. Here's what we're agreeing on. Here's what happens next. Here's what matters to me most. Place studies show this reduces misunderstandings by over 50%. Alignment is clarity. And clarity is kind of. kindness. I want you to think about how you start a conversation and how you end a conversation when you're about to have one. Most of the time, we just think about what we want to talk about. Right? We were like, "Make a list of everything we need to talk about." But how do we want to introduce the idea and how do we want to outro? Think about the start and the end of a movie. If you just thought about, "Oh, I want this movie to have action. I want it to have comedy. I want it to have this." That's a list of things you want to talk about. And if you didn't think about how the first 30 seconds of the movie started, would the story even land? Would someone even appreciate the character's arc? Would you even be emotionally connected to the story, probably not? And then we always, what's the ending? How many times do we watch the movie and thought the ending could have been better? Why did they do that the end? What was the point? We wasted all my time and we didn't even get there. The biggest communication skill is preparing the beginning and the end as much as you focus on the middle. Because the beginning invites someone in or irritates them away and the end creates momentum forward or keeps you stuck. So much is transformed from how a beginning and end of a conversation manifests. Let me leave you with something simple. As I promised as I said, it's needed. If you want to communicate more effectively, everywhere in your life, remember this. Number one, regulate before you speak. If you regulate, you'll respond. If you don't, you will react. So many of us react only creating more friction, creating more tension, creating more conflict than we actually wanted to. We think that's the way to get our point across. But all that really ends up happening is weakening the ground that we stand on. Regulate before you speak with a few breaths, with a pause, maybe even a day to actually have the meetings we have time to prepare for it. It's not bad to take time to have a better conversation if something's going to affect your long term success, especially at work. Number two, choose clarity over intensity. Simplify your argument to the easiest way that it can be communicated. Think about how to explain this to a five-year old. Think about what language would I use if someone didn't understand what I was trying to say. And by the way, that's not being condescending. This isn't about making someone feel like they're not smart or not intelligent. This is about making sure that you meet them where they are. Compassionate communication meets people where they are. Over-intellectual communication is trying to get people to be impressed by you. Choose clarity over-intensity. Intensity will not win if there's too many words, too many signals, too many points. Number three, reduce the threat before delivering the truth. The truth does not feel like the truth. It feels like a threat when it feels like an attack. So many times we think that the truth is enough to communicate. But we don't realize that we make someone feel defensive, embarrassed, ashamed, or judged. And now they feel threatened, so it doesn't feel like the truth at all. It feels completely false and completely personal. Don't over-rely on the truth. The truth still has to be delivered with safety. Number four, ask more questions than you make statements. You will learn so much more about yourself. You will learn so much more about the other person. You will learn so much more about the situation. No, it's this. I could either say to someone this isn't good enough. We're so behind. Or I could say, "What do you think the goal is of what we're trying to achieve?" What do you think is really important on this project? How do you think we're measuring success here? That person will say, "We're measuring success by this growth, this metric, this, this, this." Now we get a moment to align. Rather than if you say it's just not working, it doesn't go anywhere. Five, match your tone to your intention. People don't hear your intention, they hear your tone. They don't hear your drive or motivation. They hear your tone. Intention does not supersede tone. Number six, end with alignment. End with a conclusion. End with direction. If you don't end something, well, if you don't land something, well, it doesn't matter how well it took off. Well, if you think about a flight, you think about the takeoff and landing. Even if there was turbulence while you were on your journey, on your flight, if you have a safe landing, you remember that. You can have a difficult conversation and have safe landing. Remember this. The goal of communication isn't to win. It's to be understood without losing the relationship. The better you communicate, the fewer explanations you need. The fewer conflicts repeat themselves and the more trust you build. Because when people feel safe with you, they listen. I hope this helps you out work at home. I hope you'll send this to a friend who's struggling with a workplace conflict or a personal challenge. And remember, I'm forever rooting for you and I'm always in your corner. Take care. Thank you so much for listening to this conversation. If you enjoyed it, you'll love my chat with Adam Grant. On why discomfort is the key to growth and the strategies for unlocking your hidden potential. If you know you want to be more and achieve more this year, go check it out right now. You said a goal today. You achieve it in six months. And then by the time it happens, it's almost a relief. There's no sense of meaning and purpose. You sort of expected it, and you would have been disappointed if it didn't happen. 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