How to Build your Teen’s Self-Awareness & Confidence with Ariel Jolie

(upbeat music) Hello everyone, welcome back to a new episode of Talk of Fame podcast. I'm Kayi Montagni. Today we're so excited to welcome Ariel Jolie. Ariel's 24 years old is certified life coach under the life coach school. As an emotional well-being team life coach, her mission is to help team. Man's your mind, especially their emotions and to feel empowered and who they are and their free-jewel endeavors. She is extremely passionate in helping our generation in their mental health. Welcome to show Ariel. I really appreciate you coming on and taking it time with us today. - Yeah, thank you so much for having me. I'm super stoked and grateful to be here. - I'm super glad to have you and I literally have so many questions to ask you because a lot of our audience is teenagers actually and also parents and I know from my perspective on 19 years old so some of the questions I'm gonna ask you is kind of from my perspective actually, in terms of like, okay, your life coach was sea. But if people are really not familiar with you, I know I did a lot of information in the intrabult. Kind of tell us like a more about you and like what you do exactly. - Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you for that nice warm introduction. You know, it's kind of funny. A lot of people don't know what life coaching is and that's why I love doing what I do is like showing them the power of what this new industry is. So I am a teen life coach and I work with tweens, teens, young adults, so middle school to college students basically on prioritizing their mental health, turning their mental obstacles into mental strategies. So they feel like the things that once tore them down, they can learn to love and make them stronger. Whether that's time management, stress management or confidence, I love working on confidence. I just love to serve as a voice for my generation teaching and to see that I think we all wish we wanted to learn in school, just learning how to manage the stress and academic pressure, learning to manage the social anxiety and social pressure with that. And learning to love ourselves is cheesy as that sounds. You know, it's so important and what we do is just learning to love our lives and love what we do and who we are and who we're becoming. I don't know if a youth experiences as well for other people, but for me, it's definitely hard to see that. Like I saw what he deals with confidence in seeing everybody on social media live in their best lives. It really does lower people's self-esteem basically based on body image, how they look, models, and how their bodies are and having to go to gyms and want to see that perspective. And some people think like social media is happy in games and it really isn't always like that. - Yeah, for sure. I think it can be so misleading when we are on social media, we are really on social media, observing other people's lives versus creating our own. And we've become such consumers that we forget to create. - We do, yeah. It's like TikTok and Instagram and YouTube shorts and Snapchat, they're also addicting for the purpose of staying and keeping our attention on it. And I think at a certain point, we forget, like we are gonna remember more of what happens beyond the screen than what happens on the screen. - Mm, basically. - Yeah, that's what I wanna help teens see is like, your life can have so much value when you see what's beyond this little rectangle in front of you. - No, exactly. And sometimes people forget on how to actually live like without social media. This because during the pandemic, we talked earlier about like that really made a lot of people are age like teenagers and of course adult as well. But I feel like with teenagers, they became more and more addicted to social media. But we didn't really have anything to do in the pandemic. So people came like more addicted to TikTok, Snapchat, Instagram, whatever you might like, it could be many different platforms. But I feel like TikTok and Instagram are like in Snapchat and it's basically the bigger platforms and teenagers like R.H. But with all that, it really like, I feel like a lot of people don't actually know how to live life without social media. It really does consume our life so much. Should we always have to look at our phone at the dinner table or like, or this with our family, that really took up a lot of our lives in recent years. - Literally, literally. I think it's become our best friend. And I almost want to see help people see that it's more of a friend of me versus just a best friend. Like there are good parts of having a screen versus not. And that's one of the things that I do is just helping teens like regulate that. We're not trying to like remove your screen time but we're trying to upgrade it. Because phones could be really fun. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love a good bed rot or a doom scroll here and there. And it teaches us so much, but it also teaches us things that we need to relearn or we need to unlyde ourselves about certain things, whether like you said, body image, self image, overall image of who we are is something that can get heavily misconstrued when we look at social media. Like the amount of times that I'll scroll on Pinterest and see someone's like body shape or their outfits and wish I had what they had. It just can like, ruin your mood for the rest of the day. It's crazy. - Yeah, that's her way too, actually. Like looking on Pinterest and seeing things like, okay, I want this aesthetic in my life right now. Like these people are living their lives even though we don't know behind the scenes of how things are going either way at home. - Exactly. And that's kind of, that's kind of what coaching is building your life to the aesthetic that you want it to be without feeling like it's something you have to have or coming from a place of guilt looking at Pinterest but from a place of inspiration. Like when I go on Pinterest, I'm usually inspired unless I'm comparing myself to them or feeling like I'm gonna be judged if I try and be like that or I reject myself from having that lifestyle. Like what I see a lot happen in social media are those things comparing judgment, rejecting ourselves and all these limiting beliefs and coaching and just kind of just prioritizing yourself in that sense is learning to prioritize the aesthetic you want and live the life that you see on screen but for yourself in a way you're proud of but not feeling like you're obligated to create or that you have to live this Pinterest dream but living your own dream and defining what that can look like to you. - Exactly right. I feel like with a lot of influencers, content creators, you always have to feel the same to others because of how many views you get in all getting licensed and repost and one makes people unique in my opinion. I don't know how you feel about this but one makes people unique is sharing their own story and how they want to live it. It's okay to feel like you're getting judged and all that because I feel the exact same way. It's okay to feel that way because even after doing podcasting for five years I still feel like that and all I think it ever goes away like all I think ever but I feel like every time you do stuff it gets better over time but all I think it ever goes away though. - Totally, I year preach to the choir. I've been a coach for six years and you've been doing this for five years. I think like the closer you are to your dream sometimes the heavier you can feel. Like it does, yeah. - You know, like right before you publish a book like you get all those second thoughts right before you complete something or create something. You get second thoughts or you just get into your head about things and I think that's what makes us human is we care so much but also that can turn into concern. - It does, yeah. - And so I've kind of realized like as you grow there's this idea that the more you put yourself out there the more judgment you may receive but also the more love you can receive. - And you think about both ways. It depends on like what you crave because especially if you're a teenager other teenagers are more judgmental probably than most adults are. I mean, it comes both ways but I feel like you're gonna get some judgment no matter how old you are in some ways. - If you're gonna get judgment no matter what you may as well be doing what you want not judging yourself with other people judging you versus you not doing what you want to do judging yourself and other people judging you. - And sometimes judgment is also meaning you're doing self-right. It does come in good and fast stuff but sometimes judgment comes in good ways not always bad but it always comes in good. It's depends on who you talk to is always you know the part. I mean, if you want to get judgment asking your close friends and family or always the key if you actually want judgment that's kind of what I learned to say if I want judgment, a family is the way to go. - I love that. I love that your family can be so real with you and like tell you straight up like what's right or wrong and I think to an extent like we filter that as judgment into many of us that's a bad thing but we also forget there's such thing as healthy criticism and that's a hard thing for us as teenagers is like being willing to hear something without taking it personally. - Yeah, that's the hardest part for me [BLANK_AUDIO] even though like people make mistakes and make hate comments, wherever it's wherever you post it it's hard for me to take it personally, I don't know how it is for you but it's like dealing with hate is especially as a journalism major you get that all the time so it's kind of like that's like the main thing I get stressed about as a journalism major is how I handle the hate for no pair reason for who I am who I'm related to, who I'm friends with like teenagers and anyone will judge you for no pair reason instead of not knowing you but social media is kind of like they will judge you without knowing you as they are regular person or know you personally. Yeah because it's so easy to hide behind a screen and just leave a comment and it not really impacting your life or anything because you know they can't track you down they're not going to come find you if you leave a harsh comment but it's still going to hurt you know. It always hurts in some ways some people handle it better than others. Yeah yeah I think that's the hardest part is how do we handle it and not make it mean something about ourselves but the way I like to think about is if you want to dream big you're going to have big opinions too. Just like thinking about Taylor Swift like oh there's a lot of Swifties out there and there's a lot of you know just people that admire other people from all the role models that you have in your life you know you consider how many haters do they probably have and how many lovers or fans do they have and usually like if we think about I don't know like Taylor Swift she has a lot of fans but boy does she have a lot of haters too. It's like I feel like there's always haters everywhere but also Taylor Swift with how big she is there's always go upy haters like with her Damon Travis Kelsey like if people are saying her music sound good I mean it's okay not everyone's music is for everyone everyone has different tastes but no matter what people are doing how famous they are even going for a walk people can this be like oh they're not busy doing work I'm just like can't they be a record you been no matter how big they are but for some reason Taylor Swift sometimes gets hate for no reason even it's just she is doing her things or not going on tour or really some new music I'm just like I feel bad at the same time yeah he's like even if she goes on a walk or does go somewhere I'm just like she gets hate for it they are for even like the smallest thing she does there's gonna be some sort of headline on the front of the magazine of what she's doing wrong and it's gonna be misconstrued and that's like it just makes me think about this important lesson that no matter where you are in life there's gonna be people supporting you and people hating on you and usually the more you grow the more haters you have but the most important thing is are you a hater of yourself or you a fan of yourself mm-hmm it also is how you are as a person some people hate on people just for how they are and to make themselves feel better yeah sometimes it's jealousy too I hate I'll be real with you there was some people that I really admired in high school but would just hate on internally because that was my only way of making myself feel better about it and I realized like hating on people can help mask what you truly feel about them which is admiration or jealousy or feeling like you're not doing enough but then if we can use that observation as inspiration to how can we be like them in a way that makes us happy that's where comparison can become healthy it's like yeah means I feel like everyone becomes like some people get jealous and hate I feel like sometimes it's also a learning experience and so I feel like that's how most teenagers are because you know with high school I see them more often because in high school like for me I don't know how it was for you but for people doing their own thing and how they are they'll probably think you as weird or judgmental even though you're doing nothing wrong yeah that's the thing is like well for me in high school I was very to myself shy to cure and I feared judgment so much that I was projecting what I thought people thought about me and just thought about about about about myself that they don't know how I was too and I still deal with that now I don't think like it definitely gets easier over time but I feel like for high school I was exactly the same way yeah yeah and I think in a sense that it doesn't go away as much as like when I when I work with people and just talk to people they ask me like how do you get through that I'm like it doesn't necessarily get easier you just get stronger at handling it mm-hmm and it kind of like especially if you deal with all the time you're just like you get better at it as time goes on no matter like how old you are yeah honestly like if you were trying to get over the fear of judgment it's kind of like getting over the fear of public speaking or fear of skydiving you're not going to get over it unless you address it head on that's true because I don't want to know you address it like you can be asking your friends or family they can be many different ways but I know with people like if they try one see you know if you're going to like they're not like if you don't do it you never know if you're gonna like it yeah it's literally exposure therapy it is exposure therapy exactly yeah and I think it's good to an extent like I know I fear spiders but I'm okay with just fearing spiders I'm not that's why I am my biggest fear is actually spiders I'm not lying Ashley spiders like no matter what spiders are alka way it is but literally spiders there's something around me I will leave run from it literally by yeah like in my neighborhood or something I'm like I can't do this you do under all I'm sorry but I can't do this yeah isn't that so interesting though that we're like okay with some fears and others we're just like see it as a problem yeah it's like everyone has their own fears like some people oftentimes see a problem like everyone gets scared of something is this matter what like it's okay to be scared of something yeah and you know what it's okay to be fearful and scared of judgment too I think we all at its core just want to be loved and want to be liked and that's 100% okay but if we're using that to a detriment or to be someone or not that's when it becomes more harmful than helpful I know people oftentimes mask who they are and I'm talking from personal experience I do it too to fit in that's kind of what I noticed too on if you're like that too but I oftentimes feel like I have to mask who I am to fit in with other people and to have people like me for who I am and not feeling judged like I sometimes I do sometimes I do I feel like I did that often in high school but it's kind of less often now since I'm in college it's new experience and all that but it's like sometimes I am I'm fear of like if I'm being my real sub people won't like like me yeah and that's crazy because I feel like you're already so likeable just from like the 20 minutes we've been talking but we we tell ourselves that we're unlikable or there's that potential and then we leave it and it becomes what we follow and it's so easy in high school to just tell ourselves we're unlikable and then let that be our truth especially if we keep thinking it over and over again the more truth's gonna feel yeah it's like especially if your mind's telling you over and over again you won't be able to tell the difference like okay like this is true even though it's not actually true yeah that's the hard thing and the most beautiful thing about our lives is learning to tell ourselves what we want to believe because if we're telling ourselves we're not approachable enough not pretty enough not smart enough that's one way of thinking and we just adopted that one day and if we're able to believe what we don't want so deeply then imagine what happens when we believe what we want so deeply and the changes are all mindset because what's for me it's like I always think negative more than a positive and if you think like that that's all gonna be in your mind is negative rather than a positive it's hard to get out of that yeah you know what it is really hard to get out of that and I appreciate you being real and just saying that because for 99% of us our brains will naturally go to the negative first as a survival mechanism like we just want to protect ourselves our caveman brain our survival brain thousands of years ago have been prioritizing how do I stay alive how do I stay in the social circle how do I fit in so I don't get hunted or kicked out of the tribe how do I make sure that I have a roof over my head how do I think of what's the worst thing that could happen so then I protect myself and I defend myself and what's crazy is that mindset has not left us we think of what's the worst that could happen we think how are we gonna be accepted into this tribe which is really just social circles in school nowadays and that mindset that survival brain is still with us and not doing as good as it used to it's doing more harm than good now because we're just focusing on what could go wrong then rather to be right yeah like that's my favorite question is when I was spiraling I would think like all the worst things that could happen and all the wrong things that could happen and we forget that there's the flip side of the coin like what's the best case scenario what's the best that could happen here what could go right and we can control that too not just the worst not just like we control everything our mind goes to this is a matter of what It's okay to ask for help, but it's kind of like we can control what our mind goes to. It's okay to ask for help Like maybe go to therapy or just talk to family Like we all do with a negative mindset and all that. It's a matter of how you control it and what you think that's the most important thing Yeah, yeah, I think Like what makes a negative mindset super negative is if we believe in it If we live by it and we act by it and we make that mindset our lifestyle But there's the ability that a lot of us have but don't realize is like we don't have to conform to the first thing that we thought We get to believe more than what our brain gives us we get to talk back to our brain more than our brain listens to us That's the best part. It is actually you said it like I was literally going to say the exact same thing So you read my mind with that But on at other end, so you're 24 like I we talked about before you're a built a powerful mission with Working with teenagers and making life coaching and all that but what drives your passion for helping this generation in Like teenagers and their mental health like what kind of drives you with that? Yeah, honestly, it's just knowing that so many teens Many people in general just don't know the life changing impact of life coaching and that You're able to fire in me to be a voice for my generation because they're like what is this? Is this are you telling me what to do with my life? Are you a fitness trainer and For me I got into it because I had such a huge impact of being coached by life coaches 16 I didn't take the traditional therapy route in high school because What's so cool about coaching that drives this passion is that it prioritizes your present and your future self versus reflecting or reviewing on your path And I knew the only way path or the only path forward Was to focus on my present and future self so coaching was an amazing pairing because not only is it Goal oriented, but it helped me to manage my mind like we've been talking about Like that's why I was too this because like growing up I live with anxiety on my life And I'm a wonder in the pandemic we kind of talked about this before we started recording but I Don't the pandemic hours like I'm done Being so anxious about why I do because I was a shy kid growing up and a lot of people don't expect that from me Like nowadays because I'm so talkative But it's like when I was growing up I was now like that and I feel like after a while with people Kind of doing the same thing over and over and that's so old that they can't take it anymore And I feel like with a lot of people In during the pandemic is so now that like they realized with so much shadows like okay I need to figure my life out. Yeah, I don't want to live like this anymore. Whether it's mental home for jobs Creatures college. It could be really anything that sometimes not everything's a right thing and sometimes like even a friend groups Like friend groups can be toxic like you can have friends that your friends were for years and realize your toxic Or does not the right friends I dealt with it like everyone deals with this at some point It's just the batter of time when you actually realize it Yeah for real like I I I think that there's a lot of Hidden anxiety in school in our social circles and that's one of the things I find that we all face is just This decline in excitement and increase in stress What I'm seeing a lot in teenagers is just not Believing in themselves or feeling capable to go after their dreams not in a dramatic like I can't do anything kind of way But more like in this quiet hidden way of no, this probably isn't for me or I'm not the type of person who can do that Or I can't make that friend or I shouldn't go for this or other people could do it but not me It's crazy because like remember how his kids we all had these big dreams Like an astronaut or Appalionologist or a teacher or a singer or something big And then there was no hesitation until Comparison until that fear or that anxiety comes up or those social situations and social anxiety arises and we go from Why not me to why would I do that? Yeah It's especially like when kids all we live in some sort of fantasy where this is mine Go and be when we grow up then when we grow up we're like Why was I thinking that like that like did I dream big more when I was a kid than actually now these dreams as we get older Sometimes they'll become a reality, but when we're kids it's like okay. I'm doing this. I can do that We can dream whatever we want as you get older to kind of like when you're hitting college timers senior high school You're kind of like okay. What do I want to live my life? You can choose as many crews as you want as a kid But sometimes like as an don't you can change careers. It's like that's completely normal But sometimes like as you go to college you're just like okay This is I have to do this for the rest of my life. This is my major Yeah, and we think we're like so confined to one way of living and there's so much we can learn about our younger selves like we weren't really delusional back then I think we were just had high self belief and we were just living in this fun lawland that like over time went away, but I feel like Who's to say we can't be in lawland like other people can do it. Why can't we yeah exactly doesn't matter how old we are Everyone does it at some point even myself. I'm not gonna lie. I do all the time But it doesn't go away. It's okay to feel like that but same time like in Africa is white even if you're Five-resolved or you're 50 like it doesn't matter Yeah, yeah dreaming big is one of the most fun things we can do for ourselves even if it feels like a little dilu You know a little delusional, but it's fun because like what if we actually do something about it What if we actually say yes to it? What if we actually make our younger selves proud and do what younger us have always been wanting to do And like we just see your make our young selves proud, you know Like even if we dream something since we're five years on and I'm doing it like That makes like whatever how we are How old we are during our process like You always want to have like you make your younger self proud for how far you come is everyone Doses the real problems and how far they come that's like Everyone is proud of yourself for whatever struggle there. I'm coming with it doesn't matter what Mm-hmm Yeah, I think no matter what dream you follow no matter what you do Just make yourself proud like that's that's something you get to do not something you have to do but why not like yeah This is your one and only life and you try to live for so long Yeah, if pride's an option if living the life that you want to is an option then As daunting as it might feel just going after it like What what's the alternative is the alternative as much fun? And what do we have to lose is also a question like the worst case scenario is we never do it again Mm-hmm. Yeah, the worst case scenario is like We either don't do it again or we never do it and we always wonder what could have happened Like what like if wonder what we try and how we like the busy people don't do it at a certain time You were granted for rest of your life in wish like oh, I wish I could have done this that so My motto is I rather regret action than in action. That's how I am too like I'd rather do something and then never regret do like then never regret doing it at all Mm-hmm exactly exactly. Let's just let's just not regret let's just do whatever it takes even if um even if it doesn't work out So we're not Totally and the last last question I wanted to ask before we wrap up is How can parents or mentors support teens and developing self-assuring? So I know we kind of talked about this earlier, but how can parents or mentors support teens with that? Yeah, I think that's a really great question because so many parents want to support their teens and I find that when I talk to parents they're like what do I need to do? What do I need to say to support my teenager and sometimes They're trying to find like a tangible solution But sometimes the most powerful thing we can do as a parent as a peer and as a friend Is to listen without the need to fix Like just seek to understand not to always respond Mm-hmm because if we can just Be there for someone without feeling like There needs to be a change or there needs to be fixing Then they can realize that what they're going through doesn't always have to be changed or doesn't always have to be fixed that That that deep valleys in our lives or deep challenges in our lives doesn't necessarily mean anything's gone wrong We can hold space for that and we can be okay with that as parents and that's sometimes the solution in and of itself is just Being there for them and loving them unconditionally without Changing or doing anything different that can be a beautiful solution - Mm, and oftentimes people know about how you are mirror their parents and how they are. So oftentimes, like with parents, like you oftentimes have to control what you could see and act based on how you act. These oftentimes, like if you're being miserable, your kids will be miserable. Like for example, if all my parents is miserable upset, I'll be miserable upset. Because oftentimes, like, sense, like they're feeling that way. I know a lot of people do that also. So like with that, like it's important for parents at least be aware on how their emotions affect their children. And be honest about how they feel about certain topics, like self-confidence or selfishness. Like mostly parents and teacher kids more about those things than therapists or life coaches. - Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. You know what? Like having that direct impact is gonna be super influential on your team because they see what you do every day, whether they make a remark about it or not. And one of the things I see, or what I've learned a lot is how parents talk to their kids about other people or how parents talk to their kids about themselves. It's how kids and teens and all of us think other people talk about themselves. - Mm-hmm. And it makes them think like it's okay. They talk about other people. - Yeah, I mean, if your parents are talking bad about somebody else, then their child or you might fear that other people talk about you the way that your parents talk about other people. - Mm-hmm. That's a bad example. And that's kind of like not the easiest thing. They think it's okay based off their parents and how they act. They think it's totally okay to do it to other people. - Yeah. - In that way about how they react. - Yeah. And also they fear that maybe other people are talking to talking about them the way that their parents talk about other people just in a judgmental way. And so to all the parents listening, like, you know, really be self-aware of the way you talk about other people. Also how you show up with your screen time 'cause that's a huge one. - Mm-hmm. - Also how you show up towards your own self-image. Because if you have goals for your own child that you aren't even representing, how are we going to lead by example if we're not even leading? - Mm-hmm. That's true. And also it doesn't have to be your kids. It can be like your niece's friends. Like it doesn't always have to be your kids. Like it's perfectly okay to send a sample of other people. But even like just people always looking up to you. Like even like they always bear on what you do. It doesn't always have to be your kids. So you're kind of leading by example and how other people should react. And no matter if it's like family friend or whatever, you shall always lead by example and be a good person. The end, treat others with kindness. No matter if you're dealing with a lot, like depression, anxiety or just like family problems. Like it can be a variety of different ways, but always depends on how you react to that. Is the most important thing. - Yeah. Leading is a great thing you can do for others, but also just know that your future self and your younger self are washing too, not just other people. - And you just wanna make yourself, like your younger self proud. That's also not their thing too. - Yeah, I like to like pull up a picture of my younger self every day or have that picture as my wallpaper. So then I need time to go on my phone. I'm like, would younger me be proud of like what I'm about to do? Some doom scrolling or some self-compare sent on social media or even just like having my phone out and seeing my face light up as I'm working or as I'm with friends is what I'm doing right now, leading by example. - That is smart. That's actually a fantastic idea, actually. How little you under your wallpaper. That is actually very smart. - Thank you, thank you. I feel like there's a lot we can learn about our younger self. - Oh, absolutely. Yeah. So I think that is a perfect way to wrap this up. I really appreciate you coming on and taking a time with us. I know you are a busy person. So I know this means so much. I know for a lot of parents and teens, they can really benefit from this episode. I know for myself, I really do as a teenager or adult wherever you want to describe a 19 year old. But I really appreciate you coming on and time with us today. You mean so much. - Well, thank you so much, Kylie. It was fun to yap a little bit with you and just be able to spread some hopefully words of wisdom and yeah, just spread the love and thank you for giving me the opportunity to do that. - Of course, of course. I love chatting with you. And definitely we need this again, too. Like another time, though. I love that. - For sure, for sure. I feel like there's so much I could say. And we were just bouncing ideas off of each other. So more ideas to come. - Oh, for sure. So thank you everyone for listening. Make sure to like, subscribe, and review our talk to you guys very soon. (upbeat music)