Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not To Screw Up Your Kids podcast, the bucket emptying episodes. I'm your host, Dr. Mary Han, psychologist and parenting expert. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's bucket emptying I'm hoping is going to land with all of you just at the right time. And I've sort of called it how to avoid resentment, how to avoid that build up of resentment. And I don't know about you, but I have been supremely guilty of allowing resentment to build up until I'm, you know, I often use the analogy of the bucket and then it's drip, drip, drip, and then it finally explodes. And actually for me, the classic one is around this idea of resentment, this sort of things building up and building up and often in my own mind with any failure to communicate and then what usually happens for me is I just completely, I'm in tears, I'm angry, I'm raging, I'm, you know, how could you be so thoughtless? So I thought there's a really good episode actually to talk about because I cannot believe that I am the only one where this happens. And I think it's probably a really apt time given that the release date for this episode is going to be around December. It's going to be around a time where there are a huge amount of expectations around us being off for a certain amount of days, whether we're partaking in the festive period in whichever shape or form that we do that. So I just wanted to talk a little bit about how can we avoid that? Because I also think it's a really good lesson in us being able to also have the similar conversations with our children. So I think first of all, it's about helping us manage our own resentment. And then when we're able to carve a bit of that out, we're able to carve a path out with that, we can then begin to have those sort of conversations with our children so that they can avoid resentment building up. So classic resentment for me is often where I'm sort of like doing a million and one things. And I'm like, I can do this, it's absolutely fine. No, don't help me because I want it done exactly the way that I want it done. And what happens over a period of time is in that moment, people then don't help. But the reason why people don't help is because I have been really good at helping and guilty of not accepting help. And therefore people then don't step up. And the resentment builds because I've not necessarily communicated. So I want to just share a few helpful tips. If this is you in any circumstances could be resentment at work, this could be resentment at home, this could be resentment with a friend, a partner, your children, yourself, resentment about making the same mistake over and over again. So the first thing I would say is, we've got to at communicating what we need and communicating it whenever we find ourselves aware. So obviously in an ideal world, if we find that resentment often builds up because we're the ones that are doing all of the organizing, we're the ones that are always working out the logistics and plan A and plan B, we're pulling things together, whether it's housework, whether it's arrangements for the children, whatever it might be, the communication is a really big part. And it may be that we find that we're doing it so often that the first opportunity that we kind of check in with ourselves is when we are at that resentment. And we are literally just about to have that final drop in our bucket with our bucket then overflowing and that absolute sheer overwhelm. And that's fine because the idea is the more we get practice, the more we flex that muscle, the more we exercise that of, right, I'm noticing now that I'm getting really resentful, I'm getting snappy, I'm getting irritable, I'm being short, sharp tempered. Then it's a case of rather than waiting for the explosion, if we can simply communicate just before explosion, and we can make that a new habit, then that's brilliant. That's huge success. The idea obviously longer term is that we're going to communicate in advance because we often know that we've got multiple things that we're juggling. And therefore, we can begin to have that communication in advance and say, okay, I've got all of these demands on me at the moment. And ordinarily, and I know in the past, I would just I would be sort of like cracking on and saying that I'm absolutely fine, and I can do it. But actually, what I've noticed for myself is that it starts off okay. And then this extra bit that then gets added on, or I say yes to something else, or I set a specific standard more on that shortly, then I find that I very quickly, become overwhelmed. And what I would like to do is actually have a bit of a conversation around how you might be able to help me. And particularly because it may well be that you really love that the joy that it brings, for example, if you're hosting people over for a meal, and you really love that maybe it's maybe the cooking and the final finishing touches are really your thing. Brilliant, but you can still communicate and avoid resentment, because you can get the help and support that you need. And so I think that's a really good idea. on all of the other things that need to happen in order for you to then be in your happy place. So it's about communicating, I would say, that's at the sort of the most basic level as being able to communicate. And with with communication, there's also reflection. So we reflect, we communicate, we communicate, we reflect, it's a circular process, because the reflection piece allows us to do that communication. Because we reflect on, okay, I'm, I'm noticing that I'm being irritable, I'm just gonna sit for a bit and just work out what it is that's making me feel irritable. And, and really being honest with yourself about where where that is, because quite often, we can be very quick to point the finger at something that seems to be super objective. Well, it's I'm irritable because of X. And actually, yes, it may well be that you're overloaded. But when we really sit with it, there can sometimes be within that resentment, a really a real irritation with ourselves and a frustration that we found ourselves in the same situation that maybe we said to ourselves last time, I'm not going to say yes to these things, or I'm not going to take over things, or I'm going to ensure that I delegate more, or that I'm going to make sure that I get more support next time. So that reflection piece sits hand in hand with that communication. Because we need to be constantly asking ourselves the questions about why am I feeling this way? Why am I behaving this way? Where am I finding myself short fuse, and it could be that it's got nothing to do with resentment, it could be that the reflection is simply do you know what, I'm sleep deprived. And that's what I need. Or I've just not had 10 minutes to myself. So what I really need is to sit down and have a cup of tea, maybe listen to this podcast. So it's really it's it's ensuring that we do that. Those two go hand in hand, the reflection, then the communication, the communication, then the reflection. And it may be part of the reflection is simply a noticing that we've been short fuse that we're a bit more irritable than normal. And actually having a bit of a conversation, just saying that I've noticed that this is going on, I can't quite put my finger on it. What do you think? But if we do that, I would just encourage us to ensure that we're open to the response that we get and maybe manage the responses in that I'm feeling really vulnerable, at the moment, I'm feeling super short fuse. And so the feedback that I need from you would be most helpful if it's constructive, and is very specific, where you can give me some specific examples, rather than just simply feeding back. Well, yeah, yeah, you're absolute nightmare to live with. At the moment, you're so you know, you're upsetting absolutely everybody, which then doesn't become particularly constructive. But I think asking for feedback, asking for that level of communication and thought processes from someone, is really like such an incredibly powerful tool, when we combine it with a look, I'm just going to give you a bit some parameters for the feedback you're going to give me. Because I need you to know that I'm feeling this way at the moment. So I'm likely to be slightly defensive. I really want to get to the root of this. But I just need you to package it up for me in a really objective, manageable way. And I completely understand that you might need a little bit of time to think for yourself before, you feed back to me, so that you can make sure that you're meeting my needs in the request that I'm making. But also you're able to do your own reflective piece, so that you can then come back to me. So the reflection is for yourself, but also using others for that reflection, and using communication, not only to communicate what you might need, but also to communicate and request that feedback from what should feel like an objective third party, what you want to do, what you want to do, what you want to do, what you want to do, what you want to do.
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Speaker 1The next one is expectations, and this is an absolute big one. We We have a habit, not only us, but obviously our children too. And the reason why we're talking about this resentment is if we can get a handle on it ourselves, then we can help our children get a handle on it too. But it's about managing expectations. It's asking ourselves questions regularly. Is this realistic? Are my expectations for what I need to do, what is needed for this task, reasonable? And that is within the context of all of the other things that you're doing. So for example, it may be perfectly reasonable to expect yourself to produce a three-course meal. But producing that three-course meal is perfectly reasonable when you don't have other obligations, when you're not under pressure from anything else. So it's not, I think sometimes what happens is we look at the situation or the challenge or the task that we're doing in isolation. And so it's like the expectation becomes, but I always do, I've always managed that. This is other people manage to do this. Why, why am I struggling to do this? This is not too much to ask. I'm just doing what I would normally do. And I would just encourage you to take that step back and say, all right, but I'm obviously feeling resentful. I'm obviously feeling overwhelmed. Is it reasonable for me to expect myself to do X, Y, or Z whilst I am also responsible for and managing ABC? So it's really beginning to, rather than getting caught in the minutiae, minute by minute, what is going on with the specific task that we are dealing with, just asking ourselves to zoom out, to scale out, and then ask ourselves, right, when I'm looking at the whole picture, my health, my wellbeing, my sleep levels, my stress levels, and the other things that I'm juggling, is it now reasonable to expect this of myself? And if the answer is genuinely yes, please write in. Please tell me, because I would love to know. But if the answer is genuinely absolutely, then it goes back to that communication and the reflection piece is, okay, it may well be that I then need to be looking at delegating or having conversations with others who I believe are not helping or supporting or pulling their weight in any way and communicate that I need their support. But the expectations is a big thing. And I think that that takes a huge amount of practice because I don't think we're really. We need to be honest with ourselves about those expectations because I think quite often we kid ourselves that it is perfectly reasonable when it really isn't, when we are being overly demanding of ourselves. And I think that pressure often comes from our, obviously from internally, but often because we perceive that that's what other people want or other people expect that of us or that other people will feel that we've let them down. It's often our interpretation rather than the absolute. And so that one, I would say the expectations one is probably going to be a work in progress for a really long time because it doesn't come to us very naturally. It is something that we have to keep working on because whenever we take on a new thing, whenever we're in a new situation, we bring with us all of those social expectations. We bring with us our personal expectations. We bring with us how we define ourselves based on what we manage to do and what we don't. I'm someone who can juggle multiple things. I always have. And therefore I will be weak if I don't juggle these things. So it's really trying to get under the bonnet with that one, under the hood and really understanding where that is. And it will take time. It will be a work in progress, but this is all part of the, if we really want to commit ourselves to reducing that level of resentment and finding ways to avoid it building up and then exploding, it's about having. It's about having to be really honest with ourselves about what that expectation is and where appropriate is lower those expectations and be mindful of any narrative that says, when I'm lowering expectations, I'm also lowering standards. I'm settling for less. I'm not as good as, it's not good enough. It's simply an acceptance that that's where you're at with all of the other things that you're doing. So that expectations one is a big one. And I think that that often plays into the big piece of, why our children end up feeling resentful because they feel that they're having to be that caricature, that character all the time to others, to be this person, to be the funny one, to be the one that's always listening or being the supportive friend. And the resentment can also build up there for them because of those expectations. And the final thing, if we want to avoid resentment is to delegate. Yes, I said that D word, that word that some people will be listening to. And I am supremely, I'm a work in progress. I find it really, really difficult to delegate because I am a control enthusiast and I do not believe that anyone is going to do what I want them to do as good as me. And there I've said it, that's the truth. And so I really struggled to delegate. And so what I have learned over the years is that I delegate all of the tasks that are around it. So the things that really matter to me around that control are the things that really matter to me around that control. The things that I take on, and then that generally reduces the amount of resentment. I still get it. I haven't completely fixed this for myself. I haven't found a way that works most of the time, but I have found a way that works that avoids my lid coming off and then that explosion happening because I found ways to delegate the periphery things. And I've also much better at managing expectations, my own expectations, and just simply saying, do you know what? I'm not able to do that. I'd love to be able to do it to this standard. I just simply do not have the energy. I do not have the time. And more recently, I would say probably in the last three or four years, I've even been able to say, I don't have the inclination. I'm not as concerned about it. I'm not worried if people are going to be concerned about that, that bit, that level of that standard feeling that it's dropped, but you know what? I'm not sure that they're my kind of people. Now that comes with time. It comes with practice. But I do think when we're able to accept ourselves and really know ourselves and then really know what we need to do to serve us, to prevent that resentment building up, then we can end up serving everybody much better as well as ourselves. So I hope that that is helpful. That was a pretty honest episode. And much less, I don't know, I don't know, less in the format of my usual sort of structured ones, but it really occurred to me that it's a big one and it happens. Sometimes it feels like it comes from nowhere that we're suddenly in this huge, frustrated resentment space. And it's only afterwards when we reflect back, we think, God, why did I just not say something earlier on? Why did I not ask people to help? And so I thought just bringing the topic up in your mind, whether you're able to take action as quickly as you would like to, I just thought bringing it in mind at least makes us more conscious and therefore hopefully that little bit more intentional next time. So I hope that serves you in some way this week and for the weeks to come. And as always, if you enjoy listening to The Bucket Emptying, the shorter episodes, if you enjoy listening to the podcast generally, or if you have only just found us, then if I could ask you just to take a few minutes to rate the podcast out of the air, I'd be happy to do that. And if you have any questions, and take a few moments just to leave a review, a few comments about the podcast, how it's helped you, what you like about it. What that does is the podcast platforms then show other people, parents like yourselves, who may be interested in these, in the topics that we talk about, but have not yet found the podcast and how not to scrub your kids. So by doing that, you can share the love. So until next time, bye. Until next time.
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