144. How Parents Objectify Their Kids

You are listening to Pivot Parenting Episode 144, How Parents Objectify Their Teens. Welcome to Pivot Parenting, the place where we recognize when your parental role needs to shift and how to do it. I'm your host and parenting expert, Heather Frazier. Hey, hey, hey, hey, I am so excited to hear. Welcome to the podcast. Today's episode is one that I've been thinking about for a very long time. And I know that it's going to be life-changing because it's been really, really fun as I've stood about it the last several weeks to observe the world around me and how prevalent objectification is. It's kind of shocking, but also not because it's a default mode that our brain does. But before I get into it, I want to tell you about something really, really exciting. I have an offer that I have never done anything like before. This is going to be for you and your kid because sometimes we want our kid to kind of put for some effort as well. So I have a little package. It's called a family tune up. And it includes six coaching calls. So ideally three for you, the parents and three for your teens or young adults. And we get to talk about whatever is going on for each individual. And then you also are going to get two digital courses to watch and learn from at any time as many times as you like. One for the parents and a different one for the teenagers and young adults. And in both, I'm going to be talking about how to understand emotions and communicate better so that there's less drama. For the teens, I'm going to focus on teen drama and big feelings and even kind of highlight how to manage panic attacks. And it's just going to be super, super beneficial. So if your family could use a little tune up. These actually are for sale right this second. And the best way to get a hold of your spot because they are limited is to be on my email list. So to get on my email list, it's super easy. Go to Heather Frazier.com on the page that you land on. You just scroll to the bottom. You put in your first name last name. If you want to, I don't really care. And then your email. And then I'm going to be sending out invites to this group. You can also find it on my social media. You can get it there. But for the six calls and the two courses, it's only 699. Which is kind of exciting to find a coaching bundle for under $1,000. So I'm super excited. If you have questions, if you're curious about it, of course I'm always here. You can write me back on emails or DM me on social media. I am happy to answer any of those questions. But it's a great way to tune up if you're just having little issues here and there. Or just one issue that you can't seem to get everybody on board with. I've got you. Happy New Year to you, my friend. This is how much I love all of my listeners and clients and all the people who are here in my world. I want to help you. And I want to make that help take shape of whatever is most beneficial to you and to your family. So there you go. And back to objectification. This is a theme. Again, that I've been seeing all over the place. And I was talking to somebody about it and they didn't really know what objectification meant. And so I just want to tell you what Google said, which I kind of agree with, but I actually added on to. Google says to treat as an object or cause to have objective reality. So to treat somebody like an object, here's my definition. When we don't consider or value, the others have their own history, beliefs, ideas, dreams, values and desires. Rather that they are a means created primarily for our benefit. It's a very egocentric or me centered way of relating to the world. Everyone is here to serve me in some way. And it's kind of a less than they are less than me sort of perspective of seeing other people. And it's really sneaky. And I don't think that most people who do this do it intentionally or to cause harm or that they're malicious in any way. But I think that we all kind of do it in varying forms and to varying degrees. Now socially, objectification is usually in the context of sexualizing women to being the status of something that is capable or incapable of gratifying another sexually. And that's certainly a very prevalent way objectification happens. And I also see it all over and parenting. Parents, wants and wishes, how they appear to others, and again, being the center, the sun in which other family members must revolve around. At the base of objectification is pride. I am better or more important than you. You are here to prop me up. Please me validate my insecurities, soothe my wounds. And here are a few ways that I have noticed this play out in parenting. The first most obvious one playing off of sexualization objectification is clothing and appearance. I want to tell you a little story that happened years and years ago, maybe even like a decade or more ago. As many moms do, when we have children that are growing super, super rapidly, they grow out of their clothing. And so we bag up the clothes and we pass them on because it's our last daughter, right? I have my two little ladies and when they're done with clothing, I like to give them to friends and family who could benefit from them. And one time I gave a bag of clothing to a neighbor. Now, to me, clothing is created for my comfort and not the other way around. This is just my opinion. So I put my girls in tank tops in the summer because it's hot. Well, this mom informed me that her daughter would never, ever wear a tank top. Now that's fine. Everybody gets to choose what they want for their kids. And I had no qualms with her not wanting to put her daughter in a tank top. What I did have qualms with is her reason why. And I also have heard some women tell young ladies that their stomach should never see the light of day. And it was the same reason that this mom didn't want to put her daughter in a tank top. And it was because they wanted modesty. No, I love modesty and I'm all for modesty. But the reason behind the modesty is what can give me pause. And both of these phrases that I've heard over the years is the exact same coin, just the different side of why they wouldn't want to show a stomach or a shoulder, which is objectification to control thoughts, feelings, emotions. And so to me, it's exactly the same crime. Appearance can be chosen for as many reasons as there are people. You have culture. Would you tell an Indian woman that her sorry is inappropriate because her stomach is showing even though that's culturally appropriate? No, at least I wouldn't. You have personal reasons. A lot of women have to wear certain clothing so that parts of their body can breathe or for other medical reasons. And then you have bodies. I've also heard tales of the same age. wearing the same types of clothing, but getting very different reactions because of how developed or undeveloped their bodies are. A girl might be shamed more for her body because that skirt accentuates curves, whereas that skirt on another girl, there's not as much curve to accentuate. And so that's really important to dial into. It isn't our daughter's fault or son's fault if their height, weight, build, shape of their body makes it easier for people to objectify them. When we join in and discriminate against the clothing that they feel comfortable and they feel good in, then we are doing the same thing. When we look at the clothing and not the person, that is objectification. Even if it's preemptive objectification. When, let me explain that, what I mean by that. Once upon a time, I had a 14 year old daughter that liked to wear short shorts. Actually all of my girls kind of do. But this was our oldest daughter and so my husband wasn't used to seeing such a grown up girl in our house. And he informed her that I get that you think you look cute and you do. You look great. But that's not what the boys your age are most likely thinking when they see you. He straight up told her they're thinking of how they can get into those shorts. That's what they want. Now, she kind of laughed and she didn't believe my husband and that's fine. It's one thing to say, guys will look at you with that on or this is the image that you're representing when you look like that. That in and of itself is neither good nor bad. It's your intention behind it. Are you wanting to be a good parent to make your child aware of how their parents influences how they're treated? That's one thing. But if you are wanting to manipulate their appearance so that you appear good or to be a good parent or that you're judging them instead of the person that they are by their appearance, then that maybe is less helpful. So are you telling them how it is or are you actually saying I can't handle you being objectified because of my disdain for that. So you need to change to appease me because we can't stop other people's thoughts, feelings or actions, right? But we can control our own and we can educate our children because they are sweet and a lot of them don't understand how society works and if they get a big neck tattoo or gauges that some people are going to judge them for that. And I'm not saying that that's right. But that is how many people think not all for sure, but it's not uncommon. So in regard to your teen, why do you want to sway their appearance choices? Let's imagine a septum piercing, which is in your nose. Is it because you know that they want to apply to a highly reputable law firm and you're concerned about the effects that that will have on their ability to be hired? Or do you fear that you'll be judged as a failure as a bad parent and those who know you will blame you and talk trash about you and maybe your family is going to drop in a steam in the community or with extended family. So that's the first way is how we objectify our children through their clothing and appearance. Another way is through their actions and choices. Parents can make their teens actions mean something about them and use that to gauge themselves whether good or bad. So they lied. I failed. They helped keep the house clean happily. I raised a respectful person. Essentially this kind of objectification is when your kid is a measurement of your success, not a person with agency and autonomy and their choices or reflection of their values. Instead of you and your parenting skill. So piercing tattoos, if they decide to be emo or goth, how do you know that you're not objectifying them by their actions? Maybe they dropped out of college. When a deep connection to your child trumps the fleeting satisfaction of other parents, teachers or peers approving of your kid, then you know that you're not objectifying them based on their choices. When you just love them and you value that connection with them so much more than if the appearance is there that you want to have, which brings me to my next point ego. Another really big driver on why we might objectify our children. When parents need their kid to prop up their sense of self. In other words, I need to feel like a good mom or dad. Therefore, I need you to be essentially like arm candy or trophy wife type vibe. We need to keep the image that I want to have for myself and our family. One person that I talked to was concerned about posting on social media. Now posting on social media is neither good nor bad. It just is if you post or not. But let's imagine that your daughter is winning all kinds of tennis tournaments. And you're really proud of her and you post about it. Why? It's the why behind what you share with others that's more important than what you're actually sharing. Is it because she's maintaining the image that you want to convey? And if you had another kid that was making what you thought were not okay choices, would you not post about them? Are you posting because you're proud of her? And she's worked super hard and that you know that your friends and family want to celebrate her wins with your family and it's about her and celebrating her. Well that's totally different than this will make me look really good. That's ego. Which drives me to my next point. A reflection of self. I have a question for you. How much do you consider your parents as part of you? Are they a really intimate part of your identity? And now how much do you consider your own child as part of you? The general consensus that I have heard is that we feel less attached to our parents of origin and more like our children are an extension of us. Most people don't affiliate their identity as much with their parents as they feel wrapped up in their identity with their child. My sister perfectly said it once. She said, "My kids will never love me as much as I love them." And of course this is not true for every situation and it may or may not even be true for my sister. But to be able to feel so connected towards children makes sense because we serve them and sacrifice so much for them that that creates connection. Just like our parents did for us ideally. And so while it's not always true for everyone, it is pretty common to see your child as part of you. And sometimes this is fine, right? We can kind of project like I wouldn't like that so they wouldn't like that or add pick this so I'm sure they'll love it. I'll pick it for them. That's kind of benign. But what happens when this little perceived extension of our self starts going against some of our bigger core values, political views, religious beliefs, or other value systems? No, it's fine to feel some pain or disappointment or heartache around unmet expectations. Like if your child leaves your religion, that's not what I'm talking about. It's thinking that it's not okay for them to be autonomous. That's when a So, we think that we're not going to be going to be objectification, sneaks in. We think they're part of us. And so they need to agree and align with us. Again, it's not a sense of loss or sadness over I think that this is the best value system. And it makes me sad that they don't embrace it. It's not a problem. It's only when we think that it's wrong and that they need to align with us as part of us. Sometimes, parents use their children to mitigate threats to themselves, and needing to control their child to feel safe. And a lot of this, because we are generally safe, is socially. Comparison is a really common one. We are hardwired to think of society in a tiered space, like a hierarchy, who's above another person who's below us. Where do we fall in the lineup? How do we stack up? So when we compare our kids to that of others, do we feel superior? Do we feel inferior? The irony is, is that there's no hierarchy. No, we don't have to compare, and that we're not being threatened. But that instinctive animal part of our brain that hasn't evolved yet, it wants to feel safe in our social standing. So subconsciously, parents can look around to create that sense of social safety. Where do I line up? And how does my kid participate in the pecking order? Where our family is, or where I am? Triggers are another way that we can see our children as an object. Maybe, let's imagine that you had or have an eating disorder or body dysmorphia. And your teen has a certain weight that you don't like, that it really is upsetting to you. And you see them eating or not eating, and it's upsetting. It's easy to want to control them instead of healing your own wound. I'm not saying that triggers should be discounted, or that they're not real. They totally are. But when we look to manipulate, control, have authority over our child so that we don't become triggered, or so that we don't have to face our own demons, then we're using them as a means to manage our own emotional health, instead of letting them have their own autonomy, and we work through what's our business. Achievements are another really popular one, or lack thereof. A little personal story is when my oldest graduated high school a few years ago, there were at least a half a dozen other girls in our immediate neighborhood that graduated as well. And all of them graduated from seminary as well, which, if you're not familiar with the Eldias culture, seminary graduation is just that you took four years of, like Sunday school or Bible school, and you get a diploma and you graduate from seminary as well. My daughter did not graduate, and she didn't do all the work to complete the course. And of course, I was sad about that because I value the knowledge that the scriptures and religion can offer, and I feel that it could have, I felt that it could have been beneficial to her, to have in her life, that information. Now, it could have been really easy for me to bury that hurt, so that it wasn't as tender and raw with anger or resentment toward her. Fortunately, I didn't. Fortunately, I was already in the coaching world, and I'd gained the awareness that she actually gets to be her own person with desires and agency of her own. Did that make me super happy that she didn't fulfill something that I always had imagined she would? No, I was sad about it. And it's okay to be sad when our kids don't achieve or accomplish or fulfill an expectation. There's nothing wrong with that. But when we can own, like I had to own, that I'm sad about this because I think this is valuable and she declined it. But maybe she doesn't think it's valuable, and that's for her to figure out. Not for me to decide that she has to do something for me to feel good. Because guess what? There's a lot of people that do religious training of one kind or another that maybe it doesn't benefit them, or maybe they don't utilize it in their life like they could. So who am I to say what is best for my now adult child? Many, many parents take what their child has done or accomplished, and they make it mean something about them. Whether that's good or bad, their child's accomplishments can be a self-defining feature. This can drive parents to do really whack things, to push their kid in really weird manipulative, I need you to get stuff done so that I can feel good kind of ways. That's not the only thing that motivates us to push our kids though. So again, to check in to see if this is coming from a healthy space or not, you have to just be really honest with yourself. Am I wanting my kid to accomplish this because I know that it's in their best interest and it doesn't affect how I feel about myself if they do or don't? Or am I pushing them to do this because I need it. I need them to do this. And you have to really dig deep. A lot of times this is totally buried, and so having a coach or a therapist help you unravel it can sometimes be the best way to see this in yourself. All right, have you ever heard the term "kick the dog?" My neighbor reminded me of this phrase, and it's a great one and very applicable in this situation. It's the attitude of if you happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, like when I'm grumpy, you'll feel the brunt of it. I take my emotions out on whomever gets in my way. This type of objectification of our children can even borderline on abuse. They all can if you go to the extreme. But this is a lack of self-awareness or self-control. What that can look like is coming home from a stressful day and you lash out at your kid. And maybe they made it really easy because they also had a bad day and they were also grumpy. But also maybe they weren't either way watch out because I'm angry and I'm on a tirade and I'm going to take it out on you so that I feel better because I'm more important than you. This is the parent seeking an outlet for their unmanaged emotions. Essentially they're handing their fire to everybody else to put out. And that's just a really self-serving, I matter more than you type of approach. Which then leaves you to want to be wanted. This is another way that parents objectify their kids. They have a deep, deep need to feel wanted. Seeking emotional needs, however possible. This often looks like jealousy of our kids' friends or if they're dating someone. That they're taking your kid from you. That they're getting the love and affection that you need. This is a sign that you're satisfying an emotional need through your child. You're objectifying them in the way that you need to make me feel important, loved, special. And anybody that comes between you and I in this regard is going to feel my wrath. And you're not going to like it. Now this is not noticing that maybe they're in an unhealthy relationship and wanting to help them get out of that. That's not self-serving. That's, I can see a perspective that maybe you're unaware of and I want to help you. Being wanted and objectifying your child is jealousy and satisfying your unmet emotional needs through retaining all of the affection and time that you can get from your child. And if you're doing that, you were most likely doing this next one, which is not believing them because is if they're right, that's really uncomfortable and feels terrible. So let's imagine that your teen or young adult says that they feel really uncomfortable around one of your friends, or a professor, or a family member. It can be really easy to diminish, discredit, or disbelieve your child if you are perceiving them as an object that is creating discomfort for you. When the truth may be hard to swallow, or even if it's just their perspective, it can be easy to subconsciously reject it. Essentially, we need to not believe them so that we can feel better as soon as possible, because we don't like what they have to say. Their experience is causing trouble for us, therefore reject, reject, reject. Literally, we have all been told these lines at one time or another, and we will continue to be told these lines. Let me give you some examples. You're being too dramatic. It's not that big of a deal. That isn't what I meant. That didn't happen, or you don't remember it right. Why do you have to make a mountain out of a mole hill? Do you see how dismissive that is? It doesn't feel good. It does not build trust, and it's only seeing that person as an object that's creating you discomfort that you want to get out of as fast as possible. There's a last example, and I want to say that this is definitely not an all exhaustive list. But it's what I've come up with in the last few weeks. This last one is definitely the most intentional and malicious, and it's when we use our kids as pawns or weapons. This especially happens in divorce or dysfunctional marriages. Not exclusively, but generally. Turning kids against the other parent to hurt them in some way or another. Making things to a child that maybe are true or untrue, knowing that it will get back to the other parent. That makes your child a pawn in your war as you attempt to abuse or manipulate that other partner or deceiving your child, telling them why they're spinning half-truths so that they think ill of the other parent and then reject them or judge them in some form or another. My friends, here's why objectification of our kids is a problem, and two things immediately pop out to me that I want to share with you. Number one, it is a big red flag that can be boiled down to pretty much one root problem, a poor sense of self, and like I said, with pride trying to blink it over. Because it's a lack of self-acceptance, it's immature emotional skills and awareness. It's the immediately simple solution and way to organize all the information and people around us. It's the low-hanging fruit. It's the immediate gratification, but it comes back to haunt you when you didn't take the time to humanize humans from the beginning. Because it's a childish way of coping, and the second thing that immediately pops out is that it sabotages you if your goal is to have an intimate connected nurturing relationship. Because objectification is the opposite of what you should do. We've all been on the receiving end of this, and we know that it doesn't feel good, and that it makes that person feel less trustworthy and desirable and relatable. And oftentimes we try to avoid them. And so you're here. I'm guessing it's because you want a good relationship with your kid, or you really like the sound of my voice and it puts you to sleep. I don't know, one of the two. I'm going to go with the first option though. If you want a good relationship with your kid, these behaviors will create the exact opposite. And the antidote is to grow yourself up emotionally. Coaches and therapists facilitate this at the most rapid and efficient rate. If you see yourself doing this in your parenting relationships, or in your relationships with yourself or with your spouse, did you know we can objectify ourselves too? I'm just going to toss us in. It's not in my notes. We objectify ourselves all the time when we people please. We become the object that we think this other person would like to make them happy, to please them. We object our self, objectify our self when our appearance is that of representing what we think is socially acceptable instead of who we truly are and our highest self. Objectification is literally everywhere. And I don't know that we'll ever eradicate the world from it because it is the wiring that our brains come with. But what if we just start changing the wiring one person at a time? You guys, I'm here for you. I love you. Again, this is our hard wiring. So if you notice yourself in any of this, please, please, please do not beat yourself up. Do not be hard on yourself. If you're doing some of these things, instead be so grateful that you're here, you can reach out to me or if you have a different coach or therapist, reach out to them and you can easily undo this. Sometimes awareness is all that you need to change it. If you need to unravel it, I am here for you. I love you so much. That's why I show up every single week. I think about you all the time and the needs and the struggles and the things that you're dealing with. And I try to do my very best to help you with all of that business. And so I hope that you have found this helpful. If you have, please send it to a friend or sister or any other peer that you think might also enjoy it because that is how we change the world. It isn't by some big monumental earthquake of a shift. It's by you and I creating a little more goodness in the world, sharing things that we find to be a value in creating a better world. It's one of my favorite things about women is that we tell each other all of our amazing golden wisdom secrets, whether it's who does the best job cutting curly hair or where to buy the best thing that we're looking for that we can't find or this. Who helps you become a better person? Don't be afraid to share that. If it's me, I'm so honored. If you have other people in your life that are also blessing it and sharing wisdom, share them as well. There's no such thing as too much goodness, too much love. That is what I have for you. I hope that you have such a wonderful week and we will talk to you next time. Thank you. [BLANK_AUDIO]