How Kippy Met His Wife! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Oh yeah, alright gang, I'm talking about that American Garbage special from RU Garbage right here September 13th on our YouTube page. Yes, if you don't already subscribe, please subscribe to our YouTube page. We want to blow this thing up. If you're an audio listener, take a minute, pull up YouTube, subscribe so you get notified. We're going to be doing a live premiere of it that night. We're going to be in the chat. Chicka, chicka, chicka. Get your heaters, get your beers. The boys are throwing a gosh darn party. September 13th, American Garbage, our first comedy special. Do it. Yeah. Welcome to another exciting edition of RU Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Garbage. Oh yeah. You know, Luke, everybody's favorite podcast. It's our little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a good to be classy. Yeah. They're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tootie's in a new edition. She's upstairs listening to The Night's Delights When Out in Georgia. Okay. Somber mood today. Ooh. You know, I think it's the rain. Mm-hmm. She's going through a little bit of a breakup. Okay. Part of her throuple broke off. Okay. Earl. Do you meet him? Dude, if her- He's got a hog on him. If Earl's in your throuple, yikes. That's a tough throuple. My co-companies from across the table, this we call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies. Just the way we like it. Give it up for my best pal in the whole wide world, KJ, Kevin, James Ryan, everybody. What up, gang? Shout out to you. As always, thanks for tuning in. Please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. And the boys are climbing the frickin' charts. And then, obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. That's all your garbage. Those numbers are true to fuckin' roof, gang. Oh, my God. We're back. In the charts over there at Spotify, fuckin' Patreon, Army of Garbage, 16,000 strong. We got the new tour, the Army of Garbage tour. And there's something else that we got coming up on our YouTube page. Oh, yeah. American Garbage. Hi-yah! Our brand new, our debut. Our debut Are You Garbage special. Yeah. Mm-hmm. None of that BTS stuff. None of that on the rude stuff. Talking Are You Garbage. Just me, Kippy, and the great people of Tampa, Florida. Shout out to everybody. Kick in the door, wave in the 4-4. How you doing? We're excited about it. Yes. We love it. We love the fact that it's us and the people that we talk to, the audiences that we're at. It's a show. It's a real 360 kind of thing. It's a very, if you've been to a live show, you know how kind of wild they can get. The stories, the interactions, kind of how everything unfolds. It really is, and this is a good thing we've said all the time, and we've probably said it to people individually, I know we have, of the stories people share is cathartic for them, because if you've been to a live show, it's very welcome to the party. We are trash. You are garbage. We're here to celebrate it. Do we ever tell them what we say when a guest comes in, when a new guest comes in? The garbage is celebrated. The come up is celebrated. The money is celebrated. It's all, yeah, it's like, and that is it. Like, you know, the- We're trash. Yeah, it's like, you know, the, hey, I was a cop. This is how I lost my job. And people are like, that's what we're fucking getting into, baby. You know, it's like, I mean, we've had people share about addiction and all that, it becomes cathartic for them. And, you know, everybody hearing those stories, they get a big round of applause. Everybody says, thanks for sharing. It's like a, it's a fun- It's a family- Community thing. Vibe. Yes. It's not just fucking, we're fucking, we're out there doing it. Our hands are in the meat, baby. Making the meat the bowl. We love you. American Garbage is going to be on our YouTube page September 13th. September 13th, if you're an audio listener, go over to YouTube, subscribe to the channel. We're going to be doing a premiere for it. Yes, we'll be in the chat. Beep, boop, bop, boop, boop, boop. The whole nine yards. Also, like, fucking, you know, this is a very, we've joked around, this is a very bootstrapped thing. We funded this whole- Bootstrapped? Yeah, bootstrapping it. Yeah. We produced it. Yeah. We put all of our money behind it. You know, we just want as many people to see it as possible, so please do that thing where you fucking, we'll have videos up and, you know, clips and stuff like that. Share it. Put it in the fucking group chat. Make it a story. Spread the fucking good word of the garbage. We want to be able to keep it going. We want to be making this kind of stuff and doing it, and, you know, it makes sense as the thing continues to grow. Producer Luke Dempsey. Also, cam up. You got to upgrade it. Slide cam operator. So, listen. Luke is good with these little rinky-dink cams we, you know, these things that we shoot on here. We call in fucking Connor Kelly, Mikey Just. We call in the boys, right, for the bigger production. These guys are, they're fucking shooting movies type, you know, high-level stuff. TV shows. And then Luke got promoted. Day of, I think, right? Big boy rig. On a big boy rig, working a cam. What were you supposed to be doing? Managing you guys. I needed management that weekend. Also, so Luke, you'll see, Luke got called up to the big leagues. Did you get paid as a cam? No, you didn't. And you will not? I didn't know you stuck all our money in this either, by the way. I don't give a goddamn damn. You're always looking for a bailout at the end of the year. This is crazy. Hand up, you're always looking for a bailout. I need one of them golden parachutes. Yes. Also, you know, a little bit of behind the scenes. We have pictures of all this stuff, too, we'll be posting, but. We got photos? We got photos. Sheesh. Just inherently, like, we tried to be a little cool. So, we did it at a club. We shot five shows at a club. Side-switters. The green, we're a big team. Plus, we have the whole crew. I think it was like a 20 between us and the crew. It was like 20 people. A little lighting people. We flew people down. Some from Tampa area, some not, whatever. So, there's a lot of storage, a lot of gear. We rented, I was like, you know what? We want a proper space to chill between shows. We're going to be there. So, we rented like a, the idea was to rent like a tour bus to park in the parking lot so we could hang and chill and like be comfortable. You got us. We got us an RV that a crazy woman owns and has sex parties in and about 50 cats. She lives in it. That is, so, well, I didn't know any of that. The picture, I think Diesel helped book it. The pictures looked nice. They did. And it was a nice, it was a nice rig. It smelled like meatloaf. It was just lived in. Heavy, heavy lived in. You know when you smell a pouch, a couch pillow and you can tell that there's been a greasy. Dude, it was. I need to take that. I need to take that over very quickly. I need the, I need to like, I need to like pee around. Yeah. Like a doll. Another dirt bag. Yeah. I got to get my grease in there. It was tough. It was one of those things where like, you ever like, you ever like been at a guy's house and he's selling weed or just like a real. No. A real shitty house. Like where they're like, they're trying to make it nice and they have like just those real bullshit fragrance options. There's a hundred different kind, but it's like the diffuser where you turn the sticks over that kind of where you're just like, you're really masking. Not a great scent. Yeah. It's heavy on the chemis and that's what that was. You're just, oh, you, you felt like you were just, it felt like he got in a bit. We didn't sleep in there, but it was like the feeling of like getting in a bed when someone just got out. Oh, it's that you're like, this is all just too fucking lived in. Ooh, it was tough. A warm bed. That's what that place was. It felt like you got, it was like that scene from no country from home, man. When the glass was still cold, you're like, oh, we just missed them. You know what I mean? Bales, Bales, we just missed them. Yeah. Milk's still cold. Milk's still cold. Um, but, uh, so it inherently, even us trying to be cool in it, we fell into, we can't not be trash. Um, but it was like a mobile Airbnb situation. That's exactly, that's perfectly, it was like a mobile Airbnb. Yeah. It had those Gary, Indiana, those bad, uh, bad sheets and like the bad pillows, like real like shit that you got at Marshall's or whatever. Yeah. I always knew that when I Airbnb, I used to Airbnb my place out, I would switch all the pillows and blankets. And stuff. And then we started using a lot of Airbnbs on the road and I'd show up. I go, I fucking, these are, these are, this is the shit I put out. I knew we were, we were in trouble when she's like, I'm not going to be there to unlock the door until later. I got to drop my daughter off. Yeah. And she was like, yeah. Yeah. She was like strict about, about stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Don't, don't go in that closet. Yeah. That was, that's, that's always a, don't open up my drawers. Nine foot dildo in there. That was a broom. What'd you use it for? Anywho. Yeah. But check it out, gang. It's a, we're, we're very, very proud of it. I think it's the best thing we've ever, we've ever put together. And shout out to the Army of Garbage. And shout out to the motherfucking Army of Garbage. Also tickets available now on sale for most, some of the cities we're coming to. We're working with new agents. So they were, we're figuring out the rollout and we're adding, we're trying to, we'll be adding a lot of shows. New Asians? New Asians. Agents. Agents. Hmm. Shout out to Asians. Han Dynasty over there on 3rd Avenue. Oh my God. Oh my lint. Finally had Taiwanese food. I had Taiwanese sausage. Delicious. Tastes Chinese. Yeah. And the cold chili oil noodles. You're not that big of a Chinese guy. I mean, I'm fine. I like it, but it's never like my, no, not really. I mean, a lot in college, we'd go to Temple Star, shout out T-Star, mostly because they delivered SIGs late, you know, so you had to. Chinese restaurants deliver SIGs. Yeah, that's a real Philly thing, I feel. I don't know if they ever do that in New York. I've never heard of it before. Really? Most places deliver, that's how you got SIGs at an underage. We'd call Munchies that was in this place called Munchies. I told you, then they got arrested for, like, selling weed, and the guy had a bunch of TNT. Which I remember Pat being like, why wouldn't you tell us, man? We were in there. I love weed and T and dynamite. That's how you call, and then another place, IG's. IG's Pizza, it's now defunct. They'd give you cigarettes. They're selling Coke, right? Who? Oh, no. Munchies. I mean, I don't know what they were doing. It was a nice family business, I think. Yeah. That was the first place I realized I have a stare. I got a bad face. I got caught staring at this kid, and he hit me. Staring at him? Yeah, smugging him, I guess. I was looking. He's a real dirtbag. Real, like, salt-of-the-earth trash bag. What'd he say to you? What the fuck you looking at? Yeah. Fat ass? Beat you with a fat ass? I don't think so, but he was saying- Could he have? Yeah, I mean, I- I, for sure, I was eating if I was at IG's Pizza. I was eating, dog. Yeah, and he knew my boy's older brother, so he, out of respect, he, like, came over and dapped my boy up. Yeah? And you're sitting there. Yeah, I was- You were probably asleep, if you didn't realize it. Sleeping with your eyes open. That boy's snoring or choking. I'm sorry. I- I look like- You stunk. I look like Edgar. He got an Edgar suit on. Dr. Pepper. And pepperoni. More Parmesan cheese, please. Yeah, he hit me with, like, a what the fuck. He was getting in a white Tercel hatchback. And I had never seen anybody- Hold on. Paint this pic- God, you stink. Paint this pic. You're with your boy. Yeah, we're hanging out at- We're hanging out at a shop. Are you outside? Yeah, we're hanging out at a shopping center. Okay. Out front of IG's pizza. And he rolls over. That's probably skateboarding. He rolls up, dabs up your boy. Yeah. He did the thing in the power movie where he pulled up, like, not in a spot, hopped out. Or he might have been- Yeah, I don't know. Hopped out. Rolled up to who? Stutzke? Not my boy, Liam. Uh-huh. Dabbed up Liam. Yeah, he's your brother, whatever. And then as he was getting back in the car, I remember really- He turns around and looks at you? I was intently staring at him because I'd never heard anybody in real life use the phrase word is bomb. And I was like, what? That seems like- Oh, is he Action Bronson? I know. I remember I was like, we're all- You know, I get it. Rap's hot right now. Now, hold on. Were you looking at him like, whoa? No, it was more like- Oh, really? Would this kid have fucked you up? Oh, yeah. This is one of those kids that could, like, fight at a young age. I don't even know his name. He's one of those bad kids. That's one thing I respect about you and me both. What? We know we get our asses beat. I get rolled most of the time. You got to kick my ass. What are you, nuts? Fortunately, I'm a dirtbag and think I have to defend my honor as a man. I don't mind getting beat up, though. I'm going to get beat up. Yeah, I get beat up a lot. I'm going to hold my- I'll, you know, I'll hang. Luke's the kind of kid, I bet I could take him. I bet you couldn't. I found out quick. Yeah, you did. About to find out quicker. What? Huh? About to have three feet, two on your legs and one over your ass. I just saw that somewhere. You going to do that? No. I love you. I'll put something else up. I love you. I love your ass. What? You or me. Call HR. I'll testify with you. I do think we're going to get- We got a whale sitting here. I do think we're going to get to a point where you start trying to scam the company in lawsuits and stuff like that. Can I do that and still work here? I mean, not really. Do we have insurance? Yeah. We do. You have to. We have business insurance? Yes. You have to. In order to get the lead, I had to up it. I was- Ah! I've been shot! You're not that good of an actor. No, I'm not. Good lord, you come out dressed like Shakespeare. Yes, you can sue the company you currently work for. You're the owner of the company, dickhead. You'd be suing yourself. Yeah, but that insurance pays that. What, are they going to jack up our premiums? Yeah. Oh. That's not cool. Also, you don't think they'd send a fucking insurance inspector after your ass? You're nuts, though. Yeah. I was worried about that. Where the fuck was- I don't know. Nowhere good. I was in Brooklyn, and there was somebody watching somebody where I was at because there was a guy sitting in a car across the street with a camera filming somebody in the restaurant. Oh, yeah. And it had like- I've never seen that. My buddy used to do it. He was an insurance investigator for medical malpractice and shit like that. Yeah. Just catch dudes all the time. They had the neck brace on, the fucking cane, and they're fucking shooting. They're playing a game of horse with their buddies. Uh-huh. Busted. Yeah. I don't know anybody that ever did that. Actually, we know. I know one person. Moving on. Guys, we got a Gastron family episode on our hands. Wait, did you finish the story about the guy almost beating your ass? Well, that was it. You were just sitting there staring at him. And then what the- Yeah. He hit- I was intrigued by this level of dirtbaggetry, the unlaced- Dirtbaggetry? Hmm. Baggy black jeans, which in the 90s- Baggy black jeans. Or late 90s, early 2000s. Like Unk style? Yeah. No, like tough guy style. Not like the older black guy that you see in that certain cut of jeans that you know he will beat your fucking ass? Yeah. That's my thing. Anybody still wearing G-unit clothes or Echo? Steer clear. Yikes. How did he use word as Bond in this setting? I forget exactly. I remember the dap up, and then he was walking back around the car, which is a tough guy move. Did he get- The driver's side was on the other side. He had to walk around the car. He had to walk around. It was like a one-way. White Tercel. Did he just get out to say what's up? I think so, yeah. Maybe he was getting- Sold him weed or something? Pizza or something. I forget. I just remember- Well, hold on. That image is a lot different if he's holding a little white bag with a fucking beef patty in it. No, no. Hi, Jesus. Not selling beef patties. No, he was leaving. He had empty hands. Okay. And he- And he was like, he was reaching into the car. What the fuck are you looking at? He had the door open and over the top of the car. It's like something out of a movie. I know. That's why I was like- I'll never forget it. What'd you say? Nothing, sir. Are you done with that pizza? Yeah, I just- No, no, no, no, no. And I think my boy stepped in. I was like, nah, he's cool. Yeah, pussy. I pop up. No, he's not. Beat his ass. That's a bit of a dick. Can I ask your producer a question? Sure. Luke. Henry. Hmm. A little stank on that, and I respect it. Well, if I'm not your producer- You are. What are you talking about? You're my friend. Word is bond. Word is bond. How many times have you said that? What? Word is bond? Yeah. When you were in high school- That's old. That's too old. That's old shit. Are you sure? That's OG. When you were in high school, would I have liked the way you spoke to your other friends? You would have hated it. Can I get a little taste? College got real bad. Really? Yeah. That was the height of fucking Zans and, you know, Trippie Redd or whatever. 2016 Zandemic, dog. Yeah. 2016? Is that when you went to college? That's when I, yeah, freshman year. Jesus. We were fucking- Hey, don't love me when you're old. Fucking ass. I was hanging out at IG's, dog. Were you 2016? That was 10 years ago. I was 30. I just moved to New York? Yeah, I was living in New York. Yeah. You look like you were doing well. I was doing all right. I was dating my wife. You were sharing me. Were you really? 2016? Yeah. I think I met her in 2014. So I was dating my wife. I was traveling internationally for the first time in my life. Working the circuit in New York a little bit. Luke, back to you. I just lost the weight. Gang, when you sign up on the old Patreon, you get your question right on the air. I had some cool clothes. My word is God. Word is Bob. Uh-huh. We were doing okay. I mean- I wasn't. No, you weren't, by the way. That was the year I started acting professionally. That's when I got the Gaffigan show. Yeah, there you go. All because of Kevin Ryan. How? You said I should start acting. I did. And I spent that year doing short films and all that kind of stuff. Word is Bond. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I forgot. So in your, uh, in your, um. Mm-hmm. In my, in my biography on A&E? No, in your, your Academy Award, uh, speech, I want to be obviously, you know, you know how people go, I want to, you know, obviously have first and foremost. Mm-mm. I don't get that? Mm-mm. Do I make the list? You got to thank the producers and all that stuff, people that worked on the project. If you, if you do what I've been telling you to do. And what's that? If you get in with me about pitching. Mm-mm. And producing and all that kind of stuff. That was how we were doing? Yeah, we could be like fucking Seth Rogen and, uh, what's his name? Adam Greenberg? What's his boy? All you got to do is sit. So we're two Jewish guys now? I can't swing that. I'm clipped, but I can't swing that. I ain't converting, Denise. Denise, Denise will never have me. We're at Passover dinner with some executives spitting it out. Look, pick a bit. I like a brisket. As much as the next fella. Yeah. You're thanking the devil. In your acceptance speech. I'd obviously like to thank Lucifer. best deal i ever cut huh he meets me at the crossroads i hear you're the resident tough guy around here anyway yeah good stuff kevin's talking about draft kings the king of the draft gang as you know the draft kings app is now available in all 50 states i'm talking about from texas to california from florida to the everglades baby yee-haw which is pretty close but you know what i'm saying everybody all over the country can get in on the action and in on the excitement so do yourself a favor get over there get your bets and talk about all month long draft kings customers can get a football profit boost football profit boost i remember the guy in marketing pitching that football profit boost fantastic yes kings baby yes uh as a big man said draft kings is giving customers the opportunity to get boosted every football game day uh right now one app every sport all 50 states new draft kings customers sign up with the code ayg spend just five bucks and 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offer baby who had the over on how long that was taking me to say that i was like watching sling blade read that predict that daddy listen i gotta be honest with you what that this and you know i was staying away from the phil's for a little bit for a while i'm in them football season is upon a different animal favorite part of the year first couple weeks of uh college football season i got the irish there's a big game north carolina tcu that they're playing over in dublin you know i'm a north carolina man and just we got the irish we got the birds we got it going on during the game i like to do to win and i like to do who's gonna score the little touch down you love do you love to text a group with your little i just put you in here and if and if and it bothers and it bothers henry because i'm a gosh darn winner i need a little bit of seed money guys that's draft kings app do it have fun kippy guess where i've been where's that bud over there on quince oh you mean quince.com now you know the big man's down about a hundred and some pounds okay i'm fitting into different things you know i'm gonna be over there at the chunky monkey store anymore i go over there and i'm gonna be over there and i'm gonna be over there and i'm gonna be over there over to quince get some new fall fashions i got some stuff on the way that's gonna blow you away shout out to quince man you're looking for some nice stuff fall's coming upgrade the wardrobe don't break the bank talking about quality products at a quality price quince has it all listen this is this is my this is my dirtbag hack i mongolian cashmere sweater i do it once or twice i do it once and once every two year or two and i'm gonna be over there and i'm gonna be over there and this this year is big for me we got a lot of dirtbags out there that listening right not a lot of fashion some people are fashion forward some aren't right due to financial restrictions culture whatever you're a blue collar guy i'm a i'm a denim guy i ain't doing all this listen but then you got hey i got thanksgiving coming up i got christmas coming up i got a wedding i got all these court a court i got custody all these things you got coming up that you need to you can't be wearing your you know your welder jacket too you need something a little more go they get you lined up it's easy it's simple boom you get that sweater that goes with everything you get a good pair of pants you get a nice t-shirt something just elevated so you're not doing and then just wear that to everything for the year next year try again that's what i do let's go and go that's it yeah yeah so there you know what i mean uh quince focuses on high quality wardrobe staples that uh made with premium materials like 100 percent mongolian cashmere the big man said organic cotton and merlino wool uh they also make premium pants fitted tees polos breathable breathable active wear whatever you need they got you covered i'm a bit i wear their slacks i wear a pair of great pants they look like jeans but they're light like khakis it's movable boom moving shaking everything you need uh find your next fall favorites at quince download quince app for exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash garbage to get free shipping on your order 365 day returns now available in canada and the uk too that's q-u-i-n-c-e.com slash garbage do it do it um all right let's see here uh as you know when you join the old patreon a uh over 16 000 strong last time i checked uh you will we'll get to ask your garbage question we'll answer it on the air if you're a fan of the show you know the mother friggin deal um all right let's see here uh this one's from dash never have one read are you garbage if you take video while you go through the car wash and post it on your socials that's fucking trash dude that's so true why what is it it's awesome about a dirt the colors a dirt bag's brain that goes the world needs i need i need photographic evidence it's awesome in there i don't do it but every time i'm in there i go i should fucking i'll maybe take a picture and send it to my wife like i'm getting clean like i do take a picture it gets dark it gets cooler in there i wish that that should be a nap thing whoa sleep in the car yes you get a real long car wash like like 10 miles long and you could pull in on your lunch break and you could just sit back and go to sleep while you're getting why the car is getting that's not bad 10 miles the overhead would be brutal water bill that'd be a five thousand dollar nap yeah did i ever tell you what i used to do with patty my mom so back in the day they had uh they had the the vacuum cleaners weren't one thing they had a body that was like on two wheels looking like a dog's body and then it had a hose and it connected to the sweeper the thing the vacuum yeah and it blew warm air out of the back and patty would put like some mothballs and some good smelling shit in there you know a little so it smelled nice and it was a perfect temperature it wasn't hot wasn't cold it was just warm nice air and you know the carpets and stuff like that she would go from room to room and you know the vacuum would kind of like stay in one spot and and she would do the room i would follow her and lay down with my head right on the end of the vacuum cleaner and i would take little baby naps while she was vacuuming the place very comforting felt like the womb i've been trying to get back there ever since hanging out at the car wash uh very good question yeah i also another great thing about the car wash i love is uh man i've never there's never been more possibilities my imagination never is is more grandiose than looking at the very beginning of all of the products they sell at a car wash you mean inside those impulse buys dude i go could i put this on my car i want all of it i want it all because is it the chemicals is it the fragrance i don't know what it is but i'm going i in there i'm a different guy you know my favorite summer job like what working at a car wash with johnny mitt at the car on the main line his dad's uh uh storm and norman johnny mitt's dad r.i.p shout out to the legend uh his buddy irv irv goddy where'd his bomb dog irv he was all he was one of those dudes he like made his money somewhere and then opened up a car wash on the main line i think he was like divorced or something like that and he was like i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know whatever he was awesome dude opened up a car wash it was everything was brand new and we were the first guys to work there it's a big clean the only problem was that shit gets all over the driveway you know all over the armor all and shit yeah yeah that's i hate to get an uber and i got it all armored up what the fuck are you doing are you fucking tom and jerry yeah i got yelled at for putting too much armor all on the floor of a golf cart when i worked at the country club this guy came in around the turn what the hell you almost drove me into the on hole nine into the lake fucking johnny docksville that wasn't me that was the nighttime guy i'm not the armor i was me i don't know we also get eat off that john uh yeah i i there's something about maybe i'm wrong but it's just maybe the people i've known anybody i you're a little unsavory if you own a car wash to me there's something it's a two cash business it's a two i it's you know anybody's ever been like yeah you invested in car washers i'm like that you're hiding money some you're cleaning cash uh something's wrong that and laundromats breaking bad really brought that back too was that because that's where he started and then he buys it and that's how he cleans his cash maybe that's all that guy was such a subconscious subconsciously that i would have punched that kid right in the fucking face man poor walt white he won no you ended up dying sorry to spoil it for anybody bought the car wash he bought the car wash yeah the wife took that didn't she yeah and now she started working for this other guy and banged him yeah she was banging that guy out yeah yeah i respect that she was hot she was yeah shout out skylar they had a pretty tasty sex life too walt and her they'd get into it sometimes yeah i remember her jacking him off fucking i remember that i didn't even know what the shit yeah i loved her thanks you would love her she's like the most hated character i know why he was stoogey what'd she do she was i mean not fuck she do not not right that she was the most hated yeah really yeah she's like king joffrey level of hate king joffrey uh game of thrones the character is so good like the actor portrays the character so well everyone just hates him in real life turn his mic off will you game of thrones our car wash had squirt guns in the lobby that you could squirt your car with what you rich motherfucker really were they connected yeah like you could like that's sick to each other and you'd shoot your car as it's going by what clean it different life up there in connecticut huh splish splash it's also bush pass was able to go it's probably in a water park though playing chase the poor kids they had a log bloom go down shotgun falls uh i'll be the lazy river get me when the car's done get me when the beamer's done uh that's a good that's sick it's great for the kids yeah there's little touches i try to think of the name that's a little difference we either did lower middle class and fucking upper class man that's the like car wash usa or usa car strip club and sock factory shout out to the sock factory in bristol uh go up to your thighs and i got fishnets on i'm going back to school and fishnets see if you can find that uh do bucks county sock factory i went there it was a good time that's been outsourced if i'm not mistaken i don't know somebody said it was recently still there my mom took us there and then she took us there and then she took us there and then she took us to a backpack place in new jersey that i thought they had like mountain climbing stuff like a section i was like lady i don't know what you think i'm doing but it ain't uh i'm not fucking repelling you get those shoes that fucking cyclists wear um over in croydon croydon croydon what's it called uh bucks county sock factory no shit right to the point factory there we go there you go specialize in customized socks customized wait what the fuck you wear special socks one leg shorter than the other i don't know why the fuck she took us i guess we're times that tough that she's like i gotta get a gross it was just a deal it was just a did we do the same thing we'd go to this fucking shoe place before every school year and we get like meds instead of kids it'd be some fucking they would they would fall apart like a fucking baseball uh-huh stitching come undone you'd go to you'd go you'd go to fucking stop and your foot would go right through it brutal that stinks oh they also do like socks for everything like they have a sock for a bottle i think they do like golf head covers like they just kind of like really make socks out of everything i remember the red hat chili peppers came out with socks on their wieners i could never do that what find me an ankler an ankler of an ankle baby suck uh yeah um good shit that's uh i think it was usa call and i think the other one was sparkle which that was like we have a sparkle cleaner in our hometown been there for like 50 years it was there was a he might have bought the shopping center near town line in bluebell where i grew up uh that shopping center used to have like a a pharmacy a deli but and then the koreans came in heavy bike and bought put a korean grow it was the first time i ever saw a korean grocery store remember we went in there one day this is like 1980s drawn safety's off dog lock loaded my dad was having flashbacks he's in there setting claymores putting me on point i'm short time he's trying to order a buffer fish sliced thin i'll do a half a pound of eel sliced thin i like you got any more to dell back there you guys got cooper sharp over here yeah and now they're the fucking hottest rage man you go to an h mart snacks for days some of that shrimp popcorn come on adam went though they do it so much better oh of course this place they they uh i'm sure it's you know upgraded now but that lasted forever sparkle cleaners the korean grocery store and something else um they had open tanks at one point with fish in it that was probably the freshest shit you'd ever get in your life i thought the first maybe second the first you got a shark in there a little shark tail soup it's fucked up the first uh the first one i went into maybe might have been in like chinatown me and you were like i want you well you wanted a candy or something me yeah me and you were down in chinatown running around here i never been to chinatown what something tells me houston doesn't have a janet down every city does that yeah um and we walked in and i dude i there was a not you know not casting dispersions or anything but there was a a pungent aroma that i couldn't get over i remember you laughing at me i was like i was like and you're dying you're like i gotta look i'm like i'll meet you outside i'm about to start smoking in here get clear this out a little bit it's not for me i did you they're not aromas i was exposed to at a young age it doesn't smell like garlic or fresh bread i think somebody gassed the joint scumbag why am i a scumbag you just rude do you want reasons um all right let's see here this is uh a little a little very very car heavy episode um this is very good with that thank you mapping it out i'm making all this stuff up by the way uh this one's from big t no this one's from t first time long time t when was the last time you were in a convertible with claw seats that is a specific point in time you probably never have have you ever had claws seen claw seats yeah yeah yeah we had claws in their beater uh i can tell you and i don't think it was it wasn't a full uh full convertible but it was probably a 19 90 early 90s vinnie had a firebird when he was 16 or 7 18 something like that there was a t-top t-top firebird where the fucking seats went up and you had to get in the back it was red that maroon red had the glove on the front i think it was a goddamn death trap i didn't like going in that oh i didn't like being in the back seat but i didn't oh no i was a fan and plus vinnie was my road dog i was in his front seat i felt like a belarusian astronaut yeah you know you ain't coming back shit that's a one sit next to a chimpanzee sit next to a chimpanzee and a pow how you doing mr marbles he gives you the thumbs up let's light this candle hank that's a one-way trip baby that's a suicide mission they already got the statue out in front of the kremlin rocket money rocket money see that that was a rocket boom rocket money now hey everything rocket money bang you know rocket money does saves your money bang do yourself a favor gang get over to rocket money got subscriptions a bunch of stuff you probably don't know about probably the missus don't know about either hey don't do yourself a favor get over to rocket money get them all straightened out they look out for you over there not to mention a little financial planning uh-huh lightens the stress increases the savings why not yes why not why not money listen i just this just came in today this isn't even part of the plug i got uh they give you i use all the data i use all the all the everything the app's got to offer and it keeps me focused and locked in without really having to lock in it does it for you yeah i got an email august important transactions amazon 13 amazon purchases wife's gonna hear about that holy cow nine times i went to wawa that's on me i love you know what i like that gives you hard that gives you the hard day to go after her 13 go after her you know what i mean shake her down yeah uh five times i was at the pizza place on my block listen that's neither here neither here nor there this is not about me this is about the good folks over there rocket money but listen it allows you to track everything you need without having to be good at it it does it for you it's changed the way i view my personal finances rocket money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel unwanted subscriptions monitors your spending it helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings help you reach your financial goals faster it's doing it for me join rocketmoney.com garbage that's rocketmoney.com garbage one more time rocketmoney.com garbage do it all right let's see this one's from ed ten dollar overdrafter never have one read another car based question is it garbage to leave half a smoked heater on the tire of your car while you run into the store so you can finish it after as a tire i've never heard of that's very smart because i don't like i never really thought of that i don't like leaving them i did that you did that joints Somebody get my white out I gotta go What was your drink when you were smoking? You're like, I'm going to get a. Arizona was a big one. Every pothead had their drink. Still? No, it would be like those Razzleberry flavors. They had all the new flavors. Cans or the glass bottles? The cans, yeah. Really? It was the glass green tea ginger tea. A lot of people did that. That was the hot chick drink. Green tea hit with weed culture where it was like, it's all from the earth, bro. It was green tea and there was ginseng. Ginseng. Ginseng took the 90s over. You couldn't get a bowl of cereal without a fucking piggyback of fucking ginseng in there. A little ginkgo biloba. That was another big one, too. I got to get my ginkgo. I'm doing a ginkgo. That and Centrum. Centrum. Centrum Silver. Centrum Silver took over. Centrum for women. I thought if I took that, my tits would fucking. That's a problem. Do your parents. Have any money I can borrow? No. No. No. My checking account is overdrafted right now. About $35. I play hardball over there at Navy Federal. No, they don't want you spending money you don't have. It's a newer thing. It's the vegetables all in one. There's two different bottles. One's red. One's green. It's not nature of life, but it's something like that. You get all the vegetables. I like that. You know what I'm talking about? No. Not really. It's a supplement. It's a. As seen on TV, supplement. I think the problem with a lot of those supplements, from what I've heard, is they'll go like, hey, it's got. I mean, whatever. All the vitamins and minerals you need. It's not methylated. I know. No. The body doesn't process it. You went too deep with it. It's not that at all. This guy goes to Waze the Well once all of a sudden. He's fucking. I don't even know what that is. Laird Hamilton. What? Shout out to Laird Hamilton. Where does Bond. There's not enough to be effective. It says, hey, we have zinc, copper, fucking whatever, lead, uranium, but it's not enough to actually do anything, to hit the minimum level. Hit the uranium, Wood. A little dabble, do you? A little bash of that. Punch or pinch. There you go. Punch. Punch. Do you see that eclipse going around? Yeah. That's what it is. Coco Vandani, what do you taste? It's Coco Vandani. You look like shit. What was the question? Oh, this. You know what bothered me? What? I saw this the other night. I'm interested here. What bothers you? What really grinds your gears, Kippy Rooney? I'm a big heater guy. An authentic heater guy, right? I've been the heater guy when people fake being the heater guy. That's the longest I've not smoked in a long time. Yeah. Yeah, me too. And, you know, listen, coming from a 20-year heater guy, get off the heaters, right? I dropped that. Have your fun when you have your fun. I dropped that vape, too. I saw. Yeah. Which we're proud of, but. A couple years old, busted my butt, figured, great, this is all I fucking need. I'm sorry, Buster. Sorry. You think people trying to help you is breaking your balls, which is crazy. Oh, it's just me. That's a good narrative to have for the only guy who wants you alive. Are you? What? If it was up to me, if it was up to them, you'd be done. They'd have you on a fucking. Have you on the cross. Good for the numbers, huh, Luke? Um, I don't, I don't like to perform, I've been a cig smoker day in, day out. Pack a day, day in, day out. Listen, if we're at a wedding and you want to smoke and you come over, come over to my side for the night. You can live in, you can walk in my shoes for the night. You can play, you can play tough guy. I'll let you hang out with me. I'll give you the heaters, but you're going to run back to your smoke-free life. I was in it. I get it. I got to watch my wife. You can't see. Yeah. Only one for me. Only one for me. I'm going to smell. She's going to be breaking my balls, isn't she? Yeah. Listen, both of you stink. Beat it. All right? I'm smoking them out of my eyes and ears. She's over there dancing with a bartender, by the way, so I don't think she gives a shit. If your fat ass has a cigarette, fuck out of here. She was giving me the fuck me eyes 20 minutes ago. She was ready to give me a jump. What's that from? Uh, Goodwill Humpty. 10 minutes ago, this guy was ready to give me a jump. Hold on a second. The guy's like, I love that guy. Baffled. Good Lord. You don't know Rudy's? This guy walked this kid. I was in the East Village. Late night. Kid's walking. He walks out. He's got the cig at the bodega on the ledge. He walks out with like a six pack of fucking Zima or something. Fucking. Couple of high nooners. Yeah. Just like he wanted. Three high noons. NYU, you know, he's living in the East Village. If you're living in, if you're buying fucking beers in the East Village at a bodega, like if you're doing it in Brooklyn or fucking, you know, I respect it a little bit. He's in like white denim. He's got like a white denim shirt. He's like playing East Village. Cool guy. Yeah. He walks out and he grabs the cig and I'm just like, you just so want to, he had had it lit in the wall. I'm a walk. Here's the wrong one. Yeah. It's a Benson and edges. It's also like, you can't do that with a light cigarette as a light cigarette smoker. That's got to be a full bodied cig to put it on the thing. Yeah. It's gotta be a port. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. That's gotta be a hundred. Yeah. Go. Yeah. A hundred. Because as a smoker, you listen, you wait the 10 seconds. It's like, dude, if you're living in the East Village, you can afford the extra cigarette. Mm hmm. It's like, just like, but I, you know, I hadn't seen it in a long time. That's why it's stuck in my brain. But the fucking, it's like, you're playing this guy. You're not that guy, pal. I was somewhere not long ago at a pretty, you know, somewhat swanky affair. This guy. Doubt it. Dressed really nice. Is it me? No. No. Uh, it was later in the evening. Um, he's like, oh my, my cigs. I'm gonna run to the car, grab my cigs. He goes to the car. I'm gonna hate this. Comes back with like a cloth, like, you know, like a tote, like people, like Luke's friends would carry around. Like a tote. Yeah. It was like a book and an apple. An apple in it and whatever. So I, in my head, I had put a book and an apple in there. I put a book and an apple. And then one of those bottles that you go and refill your beer at a brewery. What are they called? The jug. No, the yard. The fucking. The growler. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. I almost bought one of them one time. Oh, I would fucking believe. I was somewhere. It was before they were super corny. It was like, I had just learned. And they were like, well, if you buy them, they're like, you can take this beer home with you. And I'm like, that seems like, but like, well, I'm not fucking carrying this milk. And also, it looks like you're in the fucking 1820s. It looks like there should be three X's on it. Also, too, you know, it blows my mind. And listen, I'm a scumbag. I'm a dirtball. People that use the refillable water station at the airport. That's fucking. That's plain water. I'm kind of with you. I understand it. It's for a kid, for our generation, for our as close minded, not close. I use a water fountain. Get a screamer. But you're not. Wait, then you won't do the fucking. No, that's just it's annoying. You think they're better than I think that. Yeah. Yeah. You are. You are. You are going to give me that until I said, I also think that you went way better than they probably are better than me. Yeah, I don't know. We are using sustainable water things. Yeah, I had one time. It was a guest. I was like, oh, you want a bottle of water? And he's like, no, I don't do. I don't do one time. Use plastic. Why the fuck would you say that? That's not up to him. Now, cut that. I was going to fucking trash him. Oh, God, I can take it now. What? Stop doing it. Love you. Stop. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's our boy. All right. But I'm fucking trying to. How do you not picking up on this? I'm trying to trash him. This is the vein of the thing. Well, now it's weird. Yeah. And it's like, you're not fucking better that you're not. That you're just. My mail's the same color as yours is, pal. Yeah, you're taking a stance on a thing I don't really have a stance on. And that kind of bothers me. And I'm wrong for it. But, you know, you're more thoughtful of a person. I get it. But nah, you're not. We're wrong. But it's so inconvenient to me to carry around the bottle. I feel like I should be shopping at an REI or something. I should have one of those big back. I like your back. I can't have anything in my hand. No, that's another thing. I don't like carrying stuff. No. And Nadine hates it. Why? Because now it's like we have so much. I'm not just moving as myself anymore. Dude, the other day I walked out. I was like, I'm going to take him to the store. I was leaving to get a little R&R. I said, I'm going to do a target run. I'm out of here. She goes, why don't you take him with you? I said, what the heck? He's down in the suburbs? Yeah. Okay, hold on. You're a fucking dirtbag. What do you mean? Got a target for 100 miles. Okay. What time? What day is it? I don't know. Noon. Had you already done shit? Oh, yeah. You hadn't made plans to do anything? You walked downstairs and said, hey, I'm going to run the target. No, this was like known. We need, you know, we need dike-dipes. We need, you know, some pouches. And that's not a whole family trip. I would have got my. We go. Yeah, me. Yeah. Sorry. No, but as every parent out there knows, you need a little like. "Hey, I'm gonna drive to the store, it's 15 minutes, I'll be there for 20 minutes. It's 15 minutes back. And also when you introduce, now that he's a little older, it's different. But when you introduce. You know, pretty soon he's going to be easy to throw in the car. He's that now. And I'm just changing that of going, oh, I don't need the stroller. You throw him in the car. He's fucking fine. You give him something from the, like if he starts crying, you can just. He still shits his pants though, right? Yeah. All right. You got to bring that thing. Diaper bag. No. No? I mean, oh yeah, diaper bag, but that's in the car. Or like if he shits in the store, it's not, it's also not like, I mean, he's only, I think they only shit like twice a day now. He dumps one out. It's down from like eight hours. He dumps one out. It used to be like eight times a day. He dumps one out in the store. You let it ride until you get back to the car? It depends. Yeah, probably. You probably do it in the car. I mean, I'm only going to be in the store for, I mean, if he shit the second I walked in the store. God damn it. No, not really. That's what my dad would have said. God damn it. Sure. I get, I'm also still. I'm a baby. I'm still early. You're smoking. You're leaving your cig out front. I get that I'm saying this all from a non-jaded, worn down. I can see. If you put me in 10 years now and he's 11 and I'm as tired as I am today, you know, I can get how our parents used to be like, Jesus fucking Christ, you know. So she says, take him with you. And I go, yeah, sure. And I, but I just got, I left. I didn't, I didn't like pack a bag. I, and she was just, did you take him? Yeah. But she came home. She's like, you didn't fucking take anything. Hold on a second. You're busting my balls. It's not guy projecting, you know, do you know, couples can talk without screaming at each other? I've heard. Yeah. Uh, she, it was more of like, I find it crazy, like comical. Like I find it crazy that you're taking them to the store and you just leave. How'd you laugh? Like, like that. No, I just, I thought I had a pretty good point. Oh, that's funny. I got a gun to my head. Oh, fuck. What? I just shit my pants. Nuh-uh. That's crazy, dude. We have to leave that in because we just talked about it. Yeah. That's staying. The, this is all staying. We're going to hype. We're going to fast. We're going to put it in, put it in fast pace. And the word bang. Cut. Is that right? Nope. That's all in there. It's that goddamn zip down, man. Fucking one minute. You're jammed up next minute. It's a rocky road. Yeah. It's crazy. I stopped playing on my butthole too much. Okay. Uh, it's a family program. Normally we cut it out. Excuse me. Normally we do cut it out when this happens. Are you lucky? It happens every three days. Every four or five. I'm on medication. Cause I don't want to work. Yeah. Woo. All right. Apologize. All good. Uh, this one's, this is a great name. It took me a second. This is from Holden two dicks. Uh, are you like Holden Caulfield? Yes. From a catcher in the ride. Sure. And the catcher in the right holding coffee. Uh, are you garbage? If you send your last $50 to Venmo, because you're dodging those auto drafts, they can't remember when they hit. I just did that. That's crazy. Can't get it. You're. Moving can't get it bad. Uh, I, it's a, that's great. That's a brilliant thing of like, put it in a third party, put it in escrow real quick. That's great. It's crazy that you're doing that. Um, living me to family. I forgot. Remember Luke saved the day the one time, which I figured out my Venmo, by the way. Luke saved the day. I remember Luke greasing you for fucking men Venmo requests. Constantly. Well, he was coming out of pocket for a lot of expenses. You are out of pocket. They're still up there. You had a line. Yeah. He's been cleaning. Yeah. I'll remind them. Your Venmo. Things aren't private. No, they're all private. The requests are still out there. You know, it's funny. Uh, you, we have, I, you know, we have people do stuff around the house in the suburbs, you know, the landscaper, we got like a handyman, like good for you. Okay. Um, are you looking for a little extra, I pick up a little side work. You know, you don't trust me with nothing. What can you do? A lot of shit. Dude. I could do time. Where? In jail. Entertain the, entertain the wife and the kid while you're running one of your target runs. Uh huh. Hi, Germany, huh? That's all you got. Woman you've known for 50, you've known her as long, we met the same night and that's what you open up with. Yeah. Things could've been a little different. Huh? Nah, I wouldn't have had a shot with her. Classy lady like that, she would've saw through me in two seconds. Sure. That was all you that night, baby. I was able, I was able to lie for quite some time. Could be at the hot hand that night. He was down a few pounds. I was looking good then. Yeah. Chatting her up. Her and her friends. That was the smoothest move I ever had. Woo. Then out of nowhere, there's the stars. I was meant to be. That was the universe. You know that? Uh huh. No way she would've talked to you if you wouldn't, if you didn't go up on stage. Did you have, did you have her number or anything before you got up on stage? We had already kissed before I went up on stage. You did? Yeah. You moved that quick? Hell yeah. That was an 8 o'clock show. No you didn't. It was a matinee. No you didn't. Yes we did. I know you lied. Sheesh By the way, shout out to Mojo. It's all near tonight. Mm hmm. The sweetheart of a guy. Name drop. Name drop a little names. You were in the same place. You weren't hanging. Call you. No. You just so happened to be eating. Yeah. At a club you weren't working at and he showed up. Yes. Okay. That's all very accurate. Funny, I didn't talk to you that night, but you certainly knew my whereabouts. Do you know what I had for dinner? I don't think it was a salad. Let me check you're on turn around. Let me check your pants. I don't know. Goldfish? It was chicken kabobs. Uh huh. With vegetables and instead of rice, I asked for mashed potatoes. Chocolate? That was at Comedy Cellar. Oh. I was having dinner with my friend, Ian Finance. Never heard of him. Good guy. Yeah. Okay. Love the food there at the Olive Tree. It's delicious. Great. Home away from home. Hold on a second. Back this up. You kissed her before you got on stage. We got to the stand that night. This is how Kippy met your mother. That's pretty good. Yeah. Thanks. That was a show, right? I'm not hallucinating. Neil Patrick Harris is a pussy hound? What are we talking about here? Anyway. Yeah. It was me, you, macaroni for the eight o'clock show. Right? If my memory serves me, we were hanging out. We were hanging. We weren't working. Yeah. No, we hadn't. I know we weren't working. Okay. No, we don't. No, we don't. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's fine. Shout out to you. Shout out to Chris Italia. Go ahead. We were there hanging out because that's where you have to show face. Right. You just have to show face. Show face. Yeah. And IPAs just hit heavy and I didn't know they were stronger than regular beers at that time. See, I did and didn't tell you. Why don't you get fucked up with me? Well, that doesn't mean I'm not fucking- They're not alcoholic. Quit being a- I remember the week before. I realized that they were different and I blacked out at a diner and I came to- Yeah. Because you had three Goose Islands. No. I had nine. I had nine IPAs. I had the heavy bike, like nine percenters. It wasn't Goose Islands. It was- Those things had fentanyl in it. That Goose Island, they hit you hard. And they didn't, but- Doing that devil's brew. You're supposed to drink it. That's when I found out most of those IPAs, you're supposed to drink like a chalice of it. Like a schnifter of it. We were doing fucking boots. Big boys. Heavy bikes. Heavy bikes. Yeah. I just didn't know. And they were on sale. I think they were trying to peddle. On sale. They were like, if a beer, whatever, a beer's $10, these were seven. Yeah. I'm like, oh, fucking- Trying to get into the marketplace. Meanwhile, I'm a fucking bobblehead kippy in the corner. Dry heaving. But yeah, so we were hanging out there trying to show face. We were kind of in. I think we were doing shows at the sister club at the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At the standing room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which was out in Long Island City. So we were in the family for a minute. Yeah. We were in the fold a little bit. Yeah. You done, you done, you done. Quickly went south. Sure. As most of our professional relationships do. Turf street war that we started. Go ahead. So we, yeah, so we were there hanging. We're there hanging. Yeah. But this was in the evening. This wasn't like six o'clock. No, it was like eight o'clock. Yeah. So eight o'clock. Because they were there. They tried to go to the early show. She was there. She showed up late to the eight o'clock show. Classic. She was the wife. Am I right? She showed up late for the eight o'clock show. Pretty adorable. I give you that. Classic dumb bro. As a guy with no family and no one loves him, that's pretty adorable. Hey, I like you, bud. That's close. That's close to love. I'm like, "Bo the bartender." I'm looking for Amanda Hug and Kiss. Go ahead. Yeah, so we're there hanging. Mm-hmm. Heaters, beers, heaters, beers, that kind of fucking thing. We were feeling ourselves a little bit. We were newer in the city. I just lost weight. We're doing- You were feeling yourself. Yeah. But so we were moving as a click. The extended click was doing pretty well. I was close to grabbing the third rail. We were moving baby steps but forward motion- So the city comedy. Yeah. We got a hot show at the standing room. We're doing stuff. Had the pod. We're opening up for someone here and there. Yeah. some, like, Tonight Show set, just, like, things were, you know, MTV stuff, just, you know, whatever, percolating a little bit. MTV stuff? Well, our friends were. Yeah. We weren't even allowed on set. I'm not saying, I don't know why you're making that up. I'm saying the people, like, there's, we're not doing an open mic in fucking northeast Philadelphia. We're hanging out in New York. Our friends are getting out. We're like, okay, there's. Shout out to the comedy cabaret. Shout out. There's some sort of fucking things happening. On the, at least the, not for 10 years, but you go, oh, I could do that at some point. Mm-hmm. Um, and, uh. She's there with a friend. You start yapping to her. No, that old drunk lady who was, like, a comic. Remember, she was, like, an Upper West Side, old Upper West Side lady. Uh-huh. She was there hanging out. Yeah. And hitting on all the comics. Going at it. She did, like, the 6 o'clock show or something. Uh-huh. It was, like, a bringer show she was on. There was some old bag in there hitting on people? Yeah. The fuck was that? She had a big fur coat on being like, oh, honey. Whatever. And I just didn't want to talk to her. It was right up my alley back then. So I didn't want to talk to her. I would have been like, see you fellas later. I got to see a man about to talk. Got to see an old lady about chlamydia. I'll be right back. Uh, I didn't want to talk to her. And I was sitting next to my wife at the time at the barstool. And I hadn't said anything to her. Whoa. So she's, like. You were sweating, though. Going to finish that? Hi, you're Kevin? I mean, I'm Kevin. My move was. The old lady came over to hit on me. And she's like, hey. And I just was like, I don't want to talk. Like, she was just bothering everybody. So I said, oh, actually, this is my wife. No, you didn't. The fuck I didn't. Have you ever told this? I don't know. It's crazy. You don't know it. I put my arm around her. I said, this is actually my wife. What's your name again? This is my wife. I think I went with Stephanie. Are you fucking kidding me? I swear to God. You don't know this? No. This is crazy. You don't know this. I took a lot of drugs. Very true. I said, this is my wife, Stephanie. And she played along. And she went, hi, blah, blah, blah. He's a handful. I peel off. I go get another beer or whatever. Of course. Fucking, I'm a washer. I'm ordering bar snacks. Hey, start getting the shakes. You got to make them move. Anybody want to go half on the Swedish meatballs? I'm burping. My wife will take care of the chat. My wife. Yeah. So she played along. And this is the coolest I've ever been. For sure. That's ever worked. I've never been able to get this. So far? Pretty cool. By a long shot. I've never been able. I've tried to be this cool. This, I don't know this man. Yeah. She played along. I'm surprised Chris Hansen didn't turn that corner. You wanted to what her? What are you doing here? I was getting a beer. I'm in a bar. You should try these IPAs. They're like $3 less. Hey, fuck you up, dude. I blacked out. Woke up driving a taxi to Midtown. Couple of these goose shit IPAs. Fucking fuck your brain up. Yeah. She played along. So I peel off. So like 10, I play it cool. I think I remember coming back to the brain trust. Me, you and Siobhan and Reggie. And then he stepped, Siobhan stepped in at some point with you. Oh, yeah. He wingmaned you. But I, so I go, I peel back. I look at what she's doing. Maybe she had a beer. So I don't know what she had. And I go, I came up with a beer. Fucking big half of icing. Hey, he'll grab my shirt. Chugs into my face. Ziggy zaggy. So I come back and go, hey, thanks for that. I owe you a drink. Did you have the beer there? Yeah. Ooh. I like saw whatever she was drinking. I made it. I got a roofie Randy over here. I didn't even think of that. Yeah, no shit. She has a trustworthy smoking. It's fizzling like, like Drano. It's fucked up. Yeah, it's fucked up. We don't laugh at that. That's obviously a travesty. But I got a roofie once. You know that I probably did it to yourself. So you could figure your asshole as a bartender. Day before Thanksgiving. Yeah, you've told her. Yeah, I don't know why I did it. Still like me, I guess. Sure. Yeah, I'm on his side. If I'm being honest with you. Shut him up. I just got one drink. Go ahead. Yeah. So I went back with the drink and then, you know, I said, hey, I owe you. Thanks for that. And then we started talking. Yeah. And she's like, she's a guy. I'm a guy. I'm a comment. Yeah, I'm a comedian. And I remember she, you know, she said, are you on the show tonight? And I said, nah, not tonight. Not tonight. Yeah. Or tomorrow. Or tonight after that. Never, actually. And she said, oh, I said, nah, not tonight. And she said, why? You're not funny enough. Yeah. Which I should have taken. And I was like, yeah, a lot of politics. You know, you got to hang out. You got to drink 52 beers, blackout. I'm Protestant or Catholic. These are guineas. I'm Irish. They hold it against me. Yeah. So I don't know. And that was how we started talking. That's how. Yeah. And then you got on the 10 o'clock show. I got on the midnight. Oh. So I'm doing so well. They then go, hey, the 10 o'clock show comes up. And then should they come to see them? And they go, we're actually oversold on the 10. So if you want to push to the. Midnight, we'll give you two free drinks or whatever. Who's this? Adele running? Yeah. Wow. I think Adele or one of the. Yeah. Maybe Emily. Emma. Emily. Remember Emily Cohen? Yeah. Yeah. Shut up. It was one of them. One of the girls at the front. Wow. It's funny how it all connects. Hey, if you want to wait, we'll give you two. Because I think they needed to push people. Yeah. To make sure they had a midnight show or whatever. I don't know. And then they did that. I then ended up still staying. And at that point, now I got a little bit of time. I got the whole 10 o'clock. 10 o'clock show. Did I peel it off by then? I don't know. I would have to assume. I don't think so. Just doing the numbers. Yeah, probably. I don't know. I mean, it's still 10. I mean, it's 10 o'clock. I had business with you at 10, too. I don't know. Whatever. Yeah, 10 o'clock. But yeah, so then, you know, this, that, the other thing. They then go to the midnight show. I kiss her outside. When? Before? You went out to have a cigarette with her? Went out to have a cig. And then who started to kiss? I did. You just moved in? Yeah. How'd you know your breath? Oh, I was smoking a heater. It was mid-heater. Probably. I'm assuming. Heater and beer breath. And I don't know what we had for dinner, but it either wasn't much or it was some type of meat product. It was probably meatballs. Probably a turkey burger or something like that. With no bun. Yeah. Didn't you have gum or anything? Probably not, no. You haven't flossed in 30 years. But still, love is love. I mean, she's also smoking and drinking. Sexy kiss or just like a forehead? You gave her an Eskimo kiss? A butterfly kiss? Did you guys do those? The eyes? I used to. Okay. I was adored once, too. Yeah. My line was, uh. Well, you're my wife, so. Legally. I don't know if you know or you're familiar with our laws here in this country, but I get to take a crack at you. It's a binding contract. Okay. You smoked my cigarette, you dumb bitch. You're out here teasing me? It's my property. You're called a cop, sir. Yeah, I had kind of known I was doing pretty good at that point, and I said. She's like, what are you thinking? You got that smirk? What are you smiling at or something? I didn't tell you this? I just came in my pants. Which means it's going to last longer later. You just saved me a cab ride. Good night, little fellow lady. I bid you good morrow. Yeah, he's so worked up, he came in his pants. Just by looking at her. You get what I'm saying? I said. Pussy hounds like you, you know what I'm talking about. Coxman. Coxman is great. Coxman. Always wanted to be called one. Tommy Pope Coxman. Yeah. I was not. More of a dunkaroos man. That's where I get that. Yeah, it doesn't matter. You're not even booked on this show. Loser. I probably had spots. That's where I was getting to. Yeah, right. Spots in your underwear. If that would have went through to my jeans, I would have been so mad. These are my light jeans. I got to go to the airport after this. You're jammed up. I would have went to DXL and bought a new pair. That's how much I like these light jeans. I feel like Harry Styles in them. I know I don't look like it. More like Harry Styles. Ooh, guy's got a bush. I don't, though. I remember my dad's in the 80s. Jesus Christ. Why is that black guy blowing your stomach? What? A throat? That's the clip. So I hit her with another cool guy line. She said, what are you thinking about? And I said, our first kiss. Pretty good. What were you? Corny. Were you controlled by aliens that night? I was. Thinking about our first kiss. And what'd she say? I don't know. When's that going to happen? Something. I see it right now. I take another drag if I say. He blowed it in her mouth. I shotgun her a Marbleite. You're turning around. Is that cheating? What? You know when the joint. Blowing a shotgun to somebody? No, when they turn the joint around. Yeah, it's a shotgun, dickhead. A shotgun is when you take a hit and then blow it in the person's mouth. Who's right? You're right. Yeah. Because you can. Choose a crystal meth. You can link hands and blow a shoddy. Or you can do the. So would that be cheat? Would you be cool with that? If my wife fucking got a shoddy from another dude. Yeah, dude. That's not cool in my household. First of all, I don't want my wife running around doing shoddies. If my wife asked me for a shoddy. What do you think, Panama Red? You cool with that? She didn't end up finding out my girl's a whore? Yeah, that's crazy. Dude, only girls with tongue rings can get away with shoddies. That's crazy. That's crazy. What the fuck? I get in the car now. She doesn't want a shotgun with me. Is that an immediate? That's like the dad play. If at your cousin's wedding, you walk out and she's getting shotgunned by one of the groomsmen. Yeah. Yeah. What? I'd be like, lady, I've never met you in my life. I should have known when I found you to walk and stand. You know, some kind of. That might be worse than French kissing. Yeah, that's crazy. Because that's like the tea. My boys used to do it. They used to do it to each other. The first time I saw it was in college and I was like, what the fuck are you guys doing? Yeah, my boys would do it with blunts. I know. And like, I was so surprised that like the 90s let that slide. 90? I'm not how old and I'm in 2000. No, but like, it was like, that was a thing like a, yeah, mid 2000, whatever. But like. Yeah. I think what, why would it do, you would, maybe it would get like too small to then blow a shoddy. I don't know. I forget why. There's some sort of benefit. I just thought it was lame. Yeah, I never got it. Um, listen. But we're going to wrap it up. Oh, I love my love life aside. And the rest is history. You caught a kiss before the show. Yeah. And then I went up. I got, I randomly got put up on the, on the midnight show. Were you guys done seeing? Was it like, hey. She said, stay around. Stick around till after the show. Oh, you would have been a loser sticking around through that show if you weren't on it. Yeah, right. What are you, nuts? I just kissed his bro. Yeah, I literally was like, oh yeah, I got a couple things. Meanwhile, I'm like fucking welding my ass to the bar seat. I got a meeting with a producer. Yeah, I got a fucking. Oh, no. There's another hot chick I got to go talk to. Look at you. I love you, buddy. The rest is history. I love you too, pal. Gang, we love you to death. American Garbage premieres on our YouTube page September 13th. Like I said, if you're an audio listener, do us a favor. Go over to YouTube, subscribe, put up the subscribers. Let's fucking make this thing big, big, big, huge. We love you, gang. And we'll see you in three days. Peace.