How I got myself out of this rabbit hole. The high.

21m 23s

The speaker shares a personal reflection on emotional healing after a moment of disappointment during a birthday celebration, where a vanilla cake with chocolate frosting was given instead of a chocolate cake. This small incident became a metaphor for deeper emotional wounds—“rabbit holes” formed by unprocessed resentment and unmet expectations. Through writing and journaling, the speaker uncovers that the pain stems not from the other person’s actions, but from their own tendency to place loved ones on pedestals and expect perfection. The realization that “I hurt myself by putting people up so high” becomes a pivotal turning point. The speaker learns that true healing comes from self-reflection, emotional honesty, and accepting people as human and imperfect. Journaling serves as a powerful tool to release emotions, stop cycles of re-traumatization, and achieve clarity. The episode emphasizes that emotional growth involves recognizing one’s role in relationships, shifting from rigid expectations to acceptance, and learning how to communicate needs with empathy. The speaker concludes by calling for greater emotional support systems and open dialogue, urging listeners to reflect on their own patterns of idealization and how to heal from them through self-awareness and compassion.

Transcription

3204 Words, 15433 Characters

English

Speaker 1hey welcome back to another episode of hey shelby the podcast you knew nothing about but look at you back again for more or not sure what you're in for welcome uh this week we've got a question and we're just gonna dive right into it all right see you in the podcast so i wrote this to help me get out of this rabbit hole um because you know i went on a walk to not necessarily clear my head but um it started to bring up all these things that i guess i was suppressing and um usually by the end of the walk i can clear my head and i can get over it um or work through it i don't really like to get over things i like to work through them um because i'll fall into this rabbit hole whenever i have a problem or a hiccup or something doesn't go my way right like i'm on this path and i'm going straight or taking a turn and there's this rabbit hole like a pothole in the road and i start to fall in it sometimes it's just a bump and i get angry or scared and i'm like ah um but other times it's bigger than that or i've been driving over that same area and it grows and grows and grows it's you know it stings now and then when i forget to go around it um but sometimes i fall in it sometimes you know i just i can't go around it or the hole hasn't been fixed so i fall into these rabbit holes and then i have to figure out how to get out sometimes i can figure out how to get out out repave the pothole and then i can get out and i can get out and i can get out and i can get out repave the pothole and move on and it doesn't hurt me anymore you still see that funny imperfection when you're looking at the road but you you know that that pothole isn't gonna hurt you anymore um there may be slight scarring like a wound and all that but i've healed from it i've moved on from it it's not gonna hurt me anymore there may be a reminder there but i've healed with a rabbit hole it is an open wound and i've healed from it and i've moved on from it and i've healed from it that either grows with infection because it's festered and i haven't looked after it or tried to heal it um or i you know i just keep picking up the scab and i keep reopening that wound um and so i sink into this rabbit hole of this wound that i didn't remember or i suppressed or i thought i moved on from and i've healed from it and i've healed from it and i've healed from it thought that i was okay with and um so on this walk i had these thoughts of this conversation that i just had and you know i felt really good about myself and then when we were talking i was just kind of thrown off i was still in a high but you know when you're in this high and you're in a really good mood and somebody tells you something off i don't want to say bad but something that my chocolate cake isn't chocolate it's vanilla but with chocolate frosting okay well you know it's still a cake and you know you're in this high because it's your birthday and you know they got the wrong cake or or something i'm not i don't know but then you look back at it and you're like you couldn't even get me a stupid chocolate cake all i wanted was a chocolate cake for my birthday and you got me a vanilla cake with chocolate frosting that is not the same uh you know and then that festers because you haven't let go of that or you haven't healed from it and then you build this resentment and i don't want to have resentment i don't want to have these wounds that haven't healed or see a wound that i didn't think was a wound and now i have to heal it like i i want to not have these potholes that then turn um when i was doing this walk i thought that i was able to climb out this rabbit hole and it was really funny because the visual that came to my mind was i can't find a way out of this rabbit hole i can't build myself a ladder and get out and fill it up with dirt and heal it over um i'm just gonna need a hot air balloon and just fly out of there and then i'll revisit that rabbit hole when i land when i'm high in the sky and happy and positive and nowhere near this rabbit hole and then when or if i come back to it i'll just deal with it then instead of climbing out dusting myself off cleaning up that rabbit hole and you know putting the dirt back in and smoothing the ground out and just healing so um you know i came home and i i took a shower and i thought you know okay that'll heal me and it was still festering and it was still there and i really did not want to have any of these feelings because i knew the big picture this didn't matter or that i was better than this or i was you know bigger than this and you know i'm not looking at it correctly because i'm too emotional and you know so i was having a hard time to see the big picture but the big pictures that i got there and i did it it may have been a struggle but i figured out it didn't help me that there was this thing that was brought to my attention after i figured it out and i was like oh my goodness you couldn't have helped me during this like you saw me struggling you saw me ask for help you know and and you did nothing and well that's how i felt and you know words of encouragement are great and all but when someone is struggling like on a math problem and you're like you know what you'll figure this out that doesn't help that's just like okay thanks you know and you know i could still work on that problem for hours on end and figure it out on my own but it's just like i've been asking for help because i've been working on this for hours on end i've been looking at all these different resources i've you know i've pushed myself to try and figure this out and that's another reason why i think this is you know hurting because i have reached out and i had really tried to dig deep and see and this is not something that i'm familiar with to know if i've hit that sweet spot or not or know if i'm in the right direction you know i'm doing all of this blind and so just some guidance would have been nice because what i thought i was doing was apparently not what uh this person thought and it just really kind of rattled me because i was thinking oh my gosh why didn't you tell me that you just let me go you just let me have at it i'm trying to be the best person that i can be i'm trying to better myself grow critiques you know please um and then let me decide if i want to listen to it or not let me decide if i want to um use that criticism or ignore it and then come back around to it and deal with the i told you so it's um but a lot of things you know i guidance i needed that guidance and i'm in uncharted territory and so i am still trying to find the that guidance or you know that support network i don't say system or anything but definitely a network so you know like your tribe and all that but um yeah so i was the only clear way that i've found that has helped me to actually heal these rabbit holes or heal these potholes on my path um is to write and so i thought that i would just share with you guys what i wrote because i thought it was very interesting now this will be the first time i'm reading what i wrote because i literally literally just wrote it and um i was kind of getting into this rhythm and i thought wow this is a such an interesting way to write your hurt so instead of writing like dear journal i don't know i don't write your journal but just so you guys have that idea you know dear journal today sucked dad yelled at me he yelled at me because you know it's not that i'm not painting a picture or describing what happened happened right here in how i wrote it felt more like it was just i was getting the emotion out the feelings out i i wasn't trying to describe what had happened i was trying to work through what i was feeling and to understand why i was feeling this to then understand how could i heal from it so you know you cry because it's painful but what are you feeling you know um what emotion are you angry are you sad you know are you why are you hurt and frustrated um betrayed you know so i feel great after this we'll see we'll see how i feel after i read this to you guys um this will be very vulnerable um because i've never done it before i'm kind of excited to go through this with you guys i didn't want to read it beforehand um just that you could hopefully get a real reaction from me and i say hopefully only because i i've never done this so we're doing this together um so yeah so here here it goes i am there for you always emotionally physically weren't there for me you dropped the ball you saw something i did and didn't say you watched it and let me suffer you stood by while i asked for help then you knew then you said when it was already done you took the glory you got the prize um i was left alone with a story and you took the fame why i asked you for your help and you avoided my cry there was this expectation on me from you and you can't even be there for me maybe i asked too much maybe i should hide you're not the person i thought i gave you too much sky you're floating on you're floating off this pedestal i put you up so high now i see where you're moving and i have to try i'm breaking my bad habits of saying goodbye you i'm realizing i hurt myself for putting you up so high you're just a regular person you're awesome in so many ways but in the end you're only human and that's just gotta be okay i'm sorry you don't know this um i had this hate for you inside i got angry because you lost the race i put you inside you're just human and i'm going to have to try to stop putting the people i love up so high obviously i'd love to edit a few things before i read this to you guys as i was going through it hence the few ums here and there uh also when i read this to you guys um i did not realize my handwriting was so sketchy scratchy but when i had when i want to get a lot of stuff out um you would think i would just put on the recorder and just record myself it's not as easy it's it's so much easier for me to think it or to write it but when i think it there's no like release there's no um there's no end you know it can keep going it's a cycle and it goes on and on and and i i can't stop it but when i put it on paper it stops i may revisit it but it that those thoughts you know it's done like i feel clean i feel like i finally washed my hands it would be as if i if yeah if i got dirty like my hands dirty and all i used was a rag so a rag would be my mind but if i used soap and water a tool to help me clean and then dry myself off with that rag that same rag then i would actually be clean so the soap and water is the journaling for me and other people they can vent or do whatever but for me to clearly heal those wounds and fill those potholes so then to have a clear path i put it down um but yeah there are nuggets in here that i am just so proud of because this has given me a clearer vision as to what i was feeling um this is not meant to hurt this is not meant to hurt anyone um this is just for me to express my emotions as to what i was feeling and i think that's what i'm trying to do i'm trying to to help me understand what i was feeling and why i was feeling it and then to move on from that and to learn from it and to grow um what i really loved um this part where i said i'm realizing i hurt myself for putting you up so high that oh my gosh like i just want to i just want to put that in a quote or something and you know not frame it but you guys get it to me that's like a super important line and i'm actually going to get my highlighter and just put that because that and then also the um uh you're you're just human and i'm going to have to try to stop putting the people i love up so high so um i'm going to do this i'm just going to just highlight those few things because me was the biggest takeaway so now i've forgotten about the thing that that got me into this state but i love this as my reflection that this hurt that i'm feeling it's on me this um this betrayal is all of this it's what i'm feeling it's not necessarily what this person has done to me what their intentions were it wasn't cruel and i know that you know i love this person um but i i'm the one to blame because i put these people up so high and they didn't even realize that they were you know in this race and they had lost the race and i put this in the race thinking that they would win and they would you know be amazing at this they're going to be my champion and they didn't even know and it's totally understandable because i had put that expectation on them without telling them of course because you know you don't tell people you love like oh my gosh i think you're the most amazing person in the world and that means this because we don't even truly understand that you know um i think robert downey jr is an amazing human being like one of the best best people we know i don't really know him but he's on his own little pedestal that i've put for him because i'm like oh my gosh he's a movie star he's iron man he's so creative he's so funny um but yeah did he ask to be up there no was he you know in there and in this race that i'm like oh yeah you're gonna you're gonna win because you're the best no um so i just love that this was my realization that in order for me to get over this and to heal from this and to understand this is that it's not them it's me and that's great because this is something that i can work on i can't fix you i can't make you be the person i want you to be in my life that is just you can't ask that of people you can only accept them and love them for who they are flaws and all imperfections perfections everything but the thing that you can change is yourself physically mentally you know you can change those things i can't change the world around me i can change how i react to the world around me or how i fit in the world around me but yeah no and this is great and you know i really appreciate that um this is how i wrote tonight just to get this feeling out because i feel so much better like it's a huge weight that lifted off and and you know i get it now it makes total sense and you know this person when we were talking about it uh they had said you know they didn't know um how to help me they just knew that something was missing now that i can totally tell them okay the next time you feel like something is missing just say that and if you can elaborate please do that's something i can definitely do because now that my head is clear i can think back on the conversation and pick out the nuggets that i listened to but i didn't really hear when i was upset and feeling super emotional and hurt so yeah this is great i know where to move forward now i know how to um have conversations when these things happen um yeah so thank you so much for uh listening and i hope that you um enjoyed that it was very interesting to me um and for me and yeah i i'd love to hear hear uh what you guys think or what you guys do to heal all that stuff you know communicate connect yeah um you've got my email you've got my instagram so yeah until next time thanks so much guys bye hey thanks for listening to another episode of hey shelby the podcast you knew nothing about but now know something if you've got a question uh something on your mind you want to share you want to connect you can always do that at ask hey shelby at gmail.com or hit me up on them socials well social and just instagram hey shelby podcast see you there

Podcast Summary

Key Points:

The speaker uses the metaphor of "rabbit holes" or "potholes" to describe emotional wounds that arise from suppressed or unresolved feelings.
A specific incident involving a wrong birthday cake triggered a deep emotional reaction, symbolizing a festering resentment rooted in unmet expectations.
The speaker realizes that the emotional pain stems not from the other person’s actions, but from their own high expectations and idealization of loved ones.
Journaling and writing serve as a crucial tool for emotional healing, allowing the speaker to externalize feelings, gain clarity, and stop the cycle of re-traumatization.
The core insight is that self-blame for setting unrealistic expectations—such as treating loved ones like "champions"—is the true source of emotional pain.
Healing involves shifting from placing others on pedestals to accepting them as human, flawed, and capable of growth without perfection.
The speaker acknowledges the need for better support systems and guidance when navigating emotional struggles in uncharted territory.
Ultimately, the journey of healing is about self-awareness, emotional honesty, and learning to respond to life’s challenges with balance and compassion.

Summary:

The realization that “I hurt myself by putting people up so high” becomes a pivotal turning point. The speaker learns that true healing comes from self-reflection, emotional honesty, and accepting people as human and imperfect. Journaling serves as a powerful tool to release emotions, stop cycles of re-traumatization, and achieve clarity.

The episode emphasizes that emotional growth involves recognizing one’s role in relationships, shifting from rigid expectations to acceptance, and learning how to communicate needs with empathy. The speaker concludes by calling for greater emotional support systems and open dialogue, urging listeners to reflect on their own patterns of idealization and how to heal from them through self-awareness and compassion.

FAQs

What does 'rabbit hole' mean in the context of the podcast?›

It refers to emotional or psychological wounds that someone suppresses or doesn't address, which can grow and cause ongoing pain if not properly worked through.

How does the speaker describe healing from emotional wounds?›

By writing down their feelings and emotions in a journal, which allows them to process their emotions, stop the cycle of reprocessing, and feel a sense of closure and clarity.

Why did the speaker feel betrayed by someone who gave them feedback?›

Because they had placed high expectations on the person, believing they would excel, and when that didn’t happen, they felt it was a personal failure or betrayal.

What is the speaker’s key realization about their emotional pain?›

The pain wasn’t due to the other person’s actions, but because they had placed unrealistic expectations on them, and it was their own mindset that needed change.

What role does journaling play in the speaker’s healing process?›

Journaling acts as a tool to 'clean' their emotions, similar to using soap and water to wash away dirt, allowing them to stop the cycle of negative thoughts and gain emotional clarity.

Why does the speaker believe guidance from others is important during emotional struggles?›

Because they feel they are working in the dark, and direct, thoughtful feedback helps them recognize misaligned expectations and move forward with healthier perspectives.

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