How Heated Rivalry Is Reframing How I'll Raise My Sons (As A Recovering Rose Landry)

Welcome to this news button. Hey, I'm Brittany of Brittany Sheen Sleep. I've got 99 problems, but my kid sleeping isn't one. Hey you guys. Welcome to this news button after dark. Not really. This is gonna be a normal. Well, I probably shouldn't say normal at a so. It's gonna be different. It's my microphone on, yeah. But Brittany Sheen Sleep After Dark actually sounds like a fun idea. I'm not sure what all the topics would be. We can use this as a test or okay. We'll test the stats on this one and then decide what we're gonna do. But for now, yes, I'm literally doing an episode about heated rivalry, but it's parenting specific, okay? This is not gonna be x-rated or r-rated. This is the reality. That's the only head space I'm in right now. I'm not able to mentally, emotionally, physically go anywhere else besides heated rivalry so it just made sense because I really did, along with all the other great things about the show, watch it, you know, the third time through the lens of a mom really. And I have some pretty big takeaways and I hope that this gives the rest of you food for thought. I'm certainly not an expert on how I'm gonna handle the things I'm talking about, but there are things I thought about and I think all of us should be thinking about. So I will first say, if you haven't seen it yet, this is like full spoilers. So go back and watch it right now. Tonight you need to, I know the Olympics are on, just you have to stop and watch it. You'll thank me later. Also, I apologize in advance that it's gonna take over your life. But assuming you have, let's talk about it. Why are we also obsessed with this show, especially as like street women? Everyone's talking about it. Like you guys are blowing up my DMs. I talked to my friends, but it's a whole thing. Yeah, there's like really hot guys. That's fun, sure, you can get a little tittleated. That's not what makes you come back and watch it again. It's not why you're like thinking about it and like having this like reaction to it, right there are plenty of shows where you can get that. So I also, I'm gonna talk about three scenes specifically and how I cried during all of them and how they like reframed some thoughts I've had, both from like my past and taking that forward through this show into how I'm gonna raise my sons or things I'm gonna be thinking about. And with my daughter too, and of course, you know guys, I have to qualify everything that I say always. I wanna be very careful here. Like I'm talking about this from my personal perspective and experience. I'm not gay and I don't wanna like reject how I assume the show, the experience is for anyone else. This is just my POV, okay? So just don't get mad at me. I know you won't. I will say at a very high level, I am personally, I was almost like, I feel like embarrassed is too strong of a word, but as someone who considers themselves very progressive, I've always had gay friends. Like, you know, all the things that, like I almost felt bad about how little I've ever really, like how little true thought I've given to the experience of being gay. And I'm grateful to the show at a high level for kind of going a step beyond just like normalizing gay characters in TV because that at this point is pretty mainstream. Like, you know, there's plenty of gay characters and shows and even relationships, but not one that, at least that I've seen where we're really taken like fully into their world. And it's really, that's the entire focus and really understanding like these added layers of complexity and like the struggle of it. And it really gave me just like much more compassion and empathy. Like for the human experience, I think, and I think this is why it resonated with so many straight women that like, it had nothing to do with us. There's the women if anything are like supportive characters which I'm gonna talk about because that was profound to me, but it very much took us into their world. And it's different than how it is in other shows because even if you think about something like, I don't know, a show about a family in World War II or like Star Cross lovers in Afghanistan or like I don't know, just, it still has the same theme that feels directly related to us, right? It's still like the mom and her kids. It's still the man and woman. And they're, you know, the guy cheated on her and blah, blah, blah. Whereas this one, it was like an experience that's foreign to us, being same sex, but like, had that, you know, I mean, we're women, we're like, built for empathy, right? To like really understand that experience. Blah, blah, blah, it's rare. So let me talk about these three scenes specifically. Who might take away from them? What stood out for me? So first one, going in order, I think, yeah, in order of the show. So the Rose Landry and Shane scene absolutely got at me. I cried. I cried at all of them, but there was something so specifically profound to me about this one, like the, the mix, I mean, the, the acting and the script and just like the camera work in this show is incredible to really like make you feel immersed in it. But that like mix of pain on his face when she asks him like, have you ever been with another guy? If you don't mind me asking, like, was it different? Was it better? And he's having these flashbacks of Ilya. And it's like, he's just, it's like the grief kind of of like, yeah, of course it was better. And like, I can't like allow myself to have that basically. And admitting to her that he'd never told anyone else before. And sort of like mix of like relief that he had someone to talk to sort of about it, but also like the pain of the, the experience and also the fear that someone knows. Like someone's like found out his secret. And I think part of the reason I was like, oh, fuck, when I see I should make this explicit, make this an explicit episode. No one should be listening to this with their six year old in the back seat. Is that I was the rose twice, twice guys two times, two times in my life long, long, long time ago. And I want to be like very respectful of these men who are both now happily married to their husbands. These were not like serious long-term relationships, but long enough to know, in the first case, even at like 16, like something's up, but I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't do what Rose did. And sure I was young, but I will say with one, with one of these two guys, we reconnected a few years later. He was like fully out living his best life. And he actually in a very like kind, funny, nice way was like, Brett, you remember that time we were in bed and you were like, I think you're okay. Like, bro, I think you're, what's going on? And he was saying like, thank you. I don't remember our exact conversation, but something along lines of thanking me for putting it in his face in that moment because no one else had yet, no one had done that before, and sort of forcing him to confront it a little bit, and that it helped him eventually get to a place where he was like accepting that, coming out, all that good stuff. And at the time, I was like, cool, you know, we're like kind of laughing about it. And I'm like, cool, like I'm glad it was helpful and you know, good times and whatever, but that's kind of where I left it and sort of never thought about it again, until I'm watching this scene. And I thought to myself, if my offhand comment, but you know what, it didn't come from a place of like, deep empathy and like curiosity and understanding, it was more from a place probably of just like discomfort and more like what is going on? And that still like helped him. How much more could I have helped and been the rose, like you see what rose did for Shane is like, really giving him this like avenue to like accept himself and to like take the next step. And I didn't do that. And again, yes, I was young, but I also think a lot of it stems from my upbringing. And this is not like throwing shade at my family or like anyone's family, but you know, like A was the time, right, like the era that this was, what, I'm 39. This was like a very long time ago. But also my family itself, like my family was super conservative, religious. So to be even like forget being gay, just the concept of like sex in general, was very like taboo and like, you know, premarital sex before marriage and like the whole like promise ring, like gag me with a spoon, that's a whole other topic for my new series, snooze button after dark I can go into and just like the I get from all the religious, like stop like thinking about my sex life weirdo. But that in itself was taboo, right? So you're, I was coming into these relationships in these like situations already with a layer of like, I shouldn't even be doing like shame, secrecy, discomfort and then you add on this additional layer of like somebody might be gay. That was so beyond, especially in the first case, like so beyond my scope of like something I was like in a place to handle. And that is something that is a learned behavior, right? So thinking through like not only what I would want for my sons, if they're sitting in Shane's shoes, but what would I want for my daughter if she was sitting in Roselandry's shoes and how do we raise a daughter who could respond as thoughtfully and compassionately as she did? And this goes without saying it would be the other way around too. I mean, I'm talking about this gay men from just like the lens of heat or rivalry, but it would be the same situation the other way around. My son, to a woman that he was like, I don't think I'm doing it for you, my girl. That was the first one, first one I thought about. The post concussion scene, oh, the next one that just absolutely gutted me. And just watching, Ilia, when Shane goes down on the ice, and it's like, this is the person, you know, this is right after he's told him in Russian that he's, it's always been him, he's so in love with him, you know, Shane hasn't heard it yet 'cause he doesn't speak Russian. But it's like, this is the person he's in love with. He can't get in the ambulance with him and hold his hand until he's gonna be okay. He can't like call Shane's parents and get an update. He can't even just go to the hospital like a normal person and like sit with him for a long time and like kiss him. In imagining that like, as I was watching it, I was thinking how many times, you know, obviously this is a fictional story about two people who are not real, but how many times a scenario like that for a short has played out for a gay men and for like gay women, obviously right, like that you can't tell no one knows your together. So if something happens, it's like you can't, you can't be their person really and fully and that just like broke my heart. Like I just wanted to like reach through the screen and hug everyone and also just hug everyone who's closeted in the world and tell them like, I'm so sorry that we as a society have put you in this position and like please just come out and be with your person. And it was just like really heartbreaking, but I think in particular, in some ways this scene highlighted it, but like so many scenes in the show did is I really liked how they made these guys like manly men. They were not like flamboyant, like a very stereotypical, like this guy's an assless chaps at the West Village gay pride parade. And that mirrored my experience when I was the Roselandry and I think especially when I was young, like I'm talking like high school, you know, young high school and stuff, I think we were very much a bit of like a willing grace generation where, and again, I'm speaking from the perspective of having been like very young at the time. Hopefully this wasn't the case for people who are a little bit older, but it was like either a guy is like a jack from willing grace is like just jack and is like super flamboyant and is like in the theater or they're straight. Those were sort of the options, which then what is that doing to the gay guy who's like Shane and Ilya, right? And that was my experience. Like the guys that I dated who were gay were not like, just jack, they were not theater guys, they were like jocks, they were like literal frat guys, but they were gay, right 'cause it's not black and white. And I think if we look at it through that lens of like, you know, you would know that your kids gay when they're five years old because they're, you know, performing, you know, dance routines and stuff, it is unintentionally sending a message to our kids that like if you had a child who was a gay girl who was not a big tomboy and you're a gay boy who wasn't into dance in theater that like you're not, you don't fit the like even if we're saying like we would accept it, well we would accept it if you were acting like that, but you're not. So that tells us you're not. So we're not actually like a safe base for you to tell us. And obviously it goes without saying it goes the other way. Then you have a kid who's straight, who wants to dance and it's, I mean, we all know that, right? It's like we want to normalize like everyone should be able to do what they want, but I was thinking of it. I think that when we've already accepted like if your son wants to dance, but what about the other way around? What if your jock son likes dudes? Are you like setting up a safe place for them to be able to be that person, right? And I think it would, it could be easy for us to forget that piece of it. And that was definitely my experience, although I will say now that I'm thinking about it. There was a tell with both of them and it wasn't flamboyant. It was honestly they were a little bit too pretty. They were both like, they actually kind of looked alike. Like Abercrombie models. I'm sorry, there was just no, there are no straight men that are like that tall and chiseled and blue eyed and like just pretty, you know, they were too good looking. Oh my God, with one of the first one, I remember people thinking we were siblings and we like thought it was funny, but in retrospect, remember there's girl ones being like, he's your brother single, he's so hot. And I was like, he's not my brother. Well, he kind of was, he kind of was, not related, but that was more of the vibe turns out. Hi, digress. So the last scene, you knew I was gonna bring this one up if you've seen the episode, the post cottage, the family meeting with his parents. And what I really liked about this, and I think, I don't know if they intended this to be like food for thought for us as moms, but it's not just like, how can I phrase this? Like they did a really good job of juxtaposing Shane and Elias' home life, right? Which like obviously played into how they treated each other and how they responded to the situation, but it was very much the trauma of Elias family versus the safety of Shane's, the warmth of Shane's versus like the cold, I will never accept you understand you from Elias family. However, with all of that said, like despite how they show how close, like there's this one scene where like they're showing Elias, like the Russian scenes like scared me, I was like, I'm never going to Russia. Sorry, Russian people. Just based on that show, I'm scared of Russia. You know, his like mean angry dad, and then it's like Shane coming down the steps of his cottage with his dad and they're like laughing and talking about something, you know, in that same summer. It's like even though he even says to Elias when he's like, do your parents have any idea that he's like, yeah, they'll, I know they would like, probably be okay with it. Like even with that, when they then are confronted with like, okay, your parents know you have to like officially say something and tell them, he repeatedly says, this is my nightmare, oh my God, this is my nightmare, I'm freaking out. So like despite them like theoretically being okay with it, he like isn't okay with telling them, right? And I mean, how could you not cry when he's saying to his mom, like, I'm so sorry, I really tried. I really tried, but I couldn't help it. Like he's apologizing for being gay. He's like, he's like, I'm so sorry, I tried to be straight. Like knife to the heart. And the mom handles it so well. And you know, she in turn is like, no, I'm sorry. I can't believe that I made you feel like you couldn't tell me, right? And I think that's like for me as a mom, I can't imagine responding any other way other than like grief for my child that I somehow inadvertently made them feel like they couldn't tell me something so important and like a part of their identity. So I don't know what we do differently for that, like how we create a space for our kids to like feel like whatever it is, sexuality or anything else that they can tell us. And honestly, like I don't have the answer to it. I just think we should be reflective of that. And I mean, if you guys know a person, if they're like some sort of you know consultant who like tells you how to do that, 'cause that'll be a great podcast guest. Like how do you create an open space for communication with your kids about really serious things? Not like I think I'm gonna become vegetarian. But overall, so like I'm not giving you guys advice in this episode, sorry, I'm just telling you what I'm thinking, but I think and I hope that other moms have this same takeaway from these things. Both that like we're raising our daughters to be like emotionally intelligent, empathetic, compassionate women who could have that conversation if they were confronted with a scenario like that and that our sons feel safe. To not even have to be in that position because they're able to just be who they are and feel to tell us that. And obviously vice versa. But you know, in general, this show just gave me so much more empathy and understanding and feeling badly that I hadn't thought about it more before this, especially since I've had those experiences. And frankly, like normalizing a gay sex scene, you know, it's like I was thinking of a good comp to this, which is maybe if any of you have seen the show normal people, oh my god, if you wanna cry, they're straight. But it was very similar like the, not the layer of the gay aspect, like they're going girl. But things keeping them apart and just like cultural, whatever. And there's a lot of sex in it. And it's like, I think, you know, I know there's some people who don't want to or choose to like watch any show with sex scenes, which is like free to be you and me. But if you're going to, if you're okay with that, like I think it's very normalized for straight sex. And I think it's great now that I'm like desensitized in a good way. I'm like, yeah, you get it son. So I think that's great too. I'm just gonna say it. And you know, I don't know how we're gonna fix this for our generation, but it's giving me food for thought and hopefully for all of you as well. All right, well thanks guys. I hope you enjoyed the first episode of this news button after dark. It's like, do you remember like the HBO after dark thing when we were like twins? I feel like I would be at sleep, or because we'd be like, let's watch HBO after dark. And I don't know if that's what it was called, but it was like, they had like the cat house brothel and we'd be like, oh my God, a brothel. Anyway, okay, love you guys. See you next week for a more PG, hopefully rated episode. But who knows? Who knows how long I'm gonna be at the cottage mentally. I might just talk about this for the next month and I apologize in advance. Bye guys. - Loving this news button? Be sure to subscribe so you don't miss a single episode. And please leave a review. I will read it and internalize it, so make sure it's very glowing. If you're interested in working with me or learning more about my courses, head to BritneySheen.com or follow me on Instagram @BritneySheenSleep.