How Healthy Couples Fight (3 Shifts You Need to Make)

hey it's jay i don't know what your day's been like but i was just thinking about you for a minute and i hope you're being a little patient with yourself because you deserve it and yeah i'll talk to you soon picture this you're in a relationship where for the first time you feel like all your needs are being met emotionally you feel seen and taken care of you two are compatible you enjoy each other everything about this partnership is the healthiest version of a relationship that you've ever experienced you've both done the work you think you know all your boundaries and triggers you think you know how to avoid conflict and then the first big fight happens and it shakes up everything you thought you knew about this person and your relationship i know that the first moment of conflict in an otherwise healthy relationship can be extremely scary and destabilizing to confront but here's the thing i want to drill home for you today healthy couples fight too in fact healthy couples should be fighting too if you and your partner aren't able to work through the challenges and trials that hit your relationship together then it isn't actually this healthy partnership you imagine it to be you need to be able to fight healthy to be in a healthy relationship and i think a lot of people are surprised that once they finally find a genuinely good relationship all the issues don't just magically happen to them they just magically go away but even though this isn't the chaotic relationship of your past and even though the fights don't look like screaming matches that doesn't mean you're immune from fighting look you love each other you laugh together you trust each other you enjoy each other's company you genuinely feel like teammates but you are still both flawed human beings because everything can be amazing and feel perfect but then one night something small happens one person forgets to do something they say they don't want to do and they don't want to do it again and they said they would do someone responds with a tone that feels colder than usual one person feels overwhelmed but doesn't fully know how to express it suddenly there's tension sitting in the room where there wasn't tension an hour ago and the fight itself is rarely about the actual thing on the surface it's not really about the dishes or the text message or being late or forgetting to make the reservation it's about what those moments emotionally represent to each person on a bigger level one person is thinking i shouldn't have to ask every time they begrudgingly do the dishes you were supposed to do meanwhile you're sitting there not even realizing that this has been building up and upsetting your partner and now two people who deeply love each other are sitting across from one another both feeling misunderstood at the same time i think this is one of the hardest parts about healthy relationships that nobody really prepares for and that's why i'm people for even when the relationship is good conflict can still feel incredibly destabilizing because the moment tension enters the relationship people naturally start questioning everything you think why are we fighting if we love each other this much aren't healthy relationships supposed to feel easier than this what if this means we're actually incompatible but conflict is not proof that a relationship is failing conflict is proof that two human beings are with different needs histories emotional triggers and communication styles are trying to build a life together and what separates healthy couples from unhealthy couples is not whether conflict exists it's whether both people still know how to prioritize emotional safety while conflict is happening i think a lot of us grow up with this idea that the best relationships are the ones without fights we imagine healthy love as calm easy and perfectly aligned we think the couples who never argue must somehow be more compatible more emotionally mature or more secure in their relationships than anyone else and if conflict starts showing up regularly in our own relationship we immediately panic and wonder if something is fundamentally wrong with our partner or worse if something is fundamentally wrong with ourselves and i think that belief damages a lot of relationships because in reality conflict is not a relationship it's a relationship it's a conflict is inevitable anytime two human beings try to build a life together you're taking two completely different nervous systems communication styles childhood experiences insecurities expectations coping mechanisms and attachment patterns and asking them to coexist intimately every single day of course there are going to be misunderstandings of course there are going to be moments where one person feels hurt while the other feels misunderstood of course there are going to be days where one person needs reassurance while the other person needs space this episode is presented by state farm we spend so much energy becoming the best version of ourselves building better habits showing up more fully embracing mindfulness but sometimes the most purposeful thing you can do is just handle the thing you've been putting off if getting your insurance sorted has been living on that list state farm is there to help you choose the coverage that's right for you go online at statefarm.com or use the easily accessible app to get help from one of their over 19 000 local agents like a good neighbor state farm is there the goal of a healthy relationship is not to eliminate conflict entirely the goal is to learn how to move through conflict without destroying the relationship in the process and i think that's the part many people never learned because most of us did not grow up watching healthy conflict consistently some people grew up in homes where conflict was explosive yelling slamming doors criticism and tension hanging in the air for days weeks years other people grew up in homes where conflict was almost completely avoided nobody talked about feelings nobody addressed issues directly problems got buried instead of resolved parents acted fine while resentment slowly accumulated and they were not able to overcome it they were not able to overcome it it was all accumulated underneath the surface over and over again so then we enter into adult romantic relationships carrying these invisible blueprints without even realizing it some people learned that conflict means danger so they shut down emotionally the second tension appears some people learned they need to get louder in order to feel heard some people become fixers who desperately try to solve everything immediately even if the other person isn't ready some people become avoidant because vulnerability during conflict feels impossible some people become defensive before the other person even finishes speaking because criticism feels deeply threatening and then both people end up reacting not only to the current disagreement but to every emotional experience that disagreement unconsciously reminds them of that's why two people can technically be fighting about dishes while emotionally fighting about appreciation respect loneliness and feeling unseen like i said most fights are not actually about the surface level issue the fight underneath the fight is typically really about an emotional wound you never help around the house often means i feel overwhelmed and unsupported you're always on your phone often means i miss feeling emotionally connected to you you never text me back often means i want reassurance that i matter to you why are you being quiet often means why do i suddenly feel alone in this partnership and i think relationships change dramatically once couples stop approaching conflict like opposing lawyers trying to win a case and start approaching conflict like two people on the same team trying to understand what emotional need is strong and what emotional need is strong and what emotional need is strong struggling to be heard underneath the reaction a lot of people are not actually trying to attack their partner they're trying to communicate pain loneliness disappointment of fear but it comes out sideways because they don't fully know how to express the softer emotion underneath it so instead of saying i miss you lately someone says you care more about work than me instead of saying i feel emotionally disconnected someone says you never pay attention to me you never pay attention to me anymore instead of saying i'm drowning and need help someone says it must be nice to relax while i have to do everything and unfortunately the way conflict begins often determines where it ends the gottman institute found the vast majority of the time the first few minutes of a conflict predict how the rest of the conversation will go i think we can all think of instances where that has been true for ourselves if someone approaches you and says i miss you lately someone says i miss you with blame accusation criticism or contempt your nervous system immediately prepares for self protection instead of connection that's why phrases like you always do this you never listen you're impossible to talk to almost instantly escalate defensiveness because nobody feels emotionally safe while being psychologically cornered and i've I think this is where couples accidentally get trapped in destructive cycles. One person feels hurt so they criticize. The other person feels attacked so they defend themselves. The first person now feels even less understood so they escalate harder. The second person becomes overwhelmed and shuts down. Now both people feel abandoned emotionally by the other. Suddenly the original issue completely disappears underneath the emotional damage created by the fight itself. I think one of the hardest things that happens in relationships is when couples stop seeing each other as teammates during conflict. Because once conflict becomes me versus you instead of us versus the issue, the relationship starts losing emotional safety. And emotional safety is everything for a healthy relationship. It's the feeling that even during hard conversations, your partner is still fundamentally trying to protect your well-being, not trying to destroy you. It's prioritizing care over cruelty, no matter how angry you may be. And I'm not saying that healthy fighting means both partners are perfectly calm and rational throughout the entire conversation. Human beings do not work that way. Sometimes people cry. Sometimes people get frustrated. Sometimes people need breaks. Sometimes people word things the wrong way. The issue is not trust. You need to trust that your partner cares more about your emotional safety than they care about winning the argument at hand. And I think this becomes especially important when we talk about a concept called nervous system flooding. When people become emotionally flooded during arguments, their body literally shifts into fight, flight, or freeze mode. The heart rate increases. Adrenaline spikes. The nervous system starts perceiving danger. Blood pressure rises. The ability to listen accurately decreases. It's important to understand that conflict is not only psychological, it's physiological. The ability to communicate actually goes down as your nervous system floods. You stop responding from a grounded headspace and start reacting from fight or flight. Once someone becomes flooded, productive communication becomes almost impossible. This is the moment where people suddenly say things they regret. This is the moment where people storm out. This is the moment where someone starts yelling even though they promised themselves they wouldn't. This is the moment where someone emotionally shuts down and stares silently at the wall while the other person keeps talking louder, trying to force reconnection. I think a lot of couples take these moments personally, instead of seeing that they're rooted in another person's physiology. You might think they don't care enough to stay engaged in this fight. But they don't. They don't care enough to stay engaged in this fight. But your partner thinks, I literally cannot process anything right now. And both people end up feeling abandoned in completely different ways. That's why learning how to recognize flooding is such an important relationship skill. Maybe your chest gets tight. Maybe your face feels hot. Maybe your hands clench. Maybe your voice gets louder. And maybe now you can start to realize that all of this is happening for your partner too. At that point, the healthiest thing you can do is not continue pushing harder through the conversation. Healthy relationships know how to pause without abandoning the relationship emotionally. But of course, there's a huge difference between taking a healthy break and giving someone the silent treatment. A healthy break sounds like I'm getting overwhelmed and I need 20 minutes to calm down. But I promise we'll come back to this. The silent treatment looks like punishment, withdrawal, and emotional withholding. One preserves safety, the other destroys it. Time and time again, this moment in the fight is where so many couples unintentionally hurt each other. One person needs space to regulate, but the other person experiences that space as abandonment. So then the pursuer chases harder. Why are you leaving? We're not done talking. You always shut down. And the overwhelmed person withdraws even further because now their nervous system is in a state of panic. feels even more trapped. Suddenly, both people are fighting for emotional reconnection in completely opposite ways. Neither person is evil. Neither person is necessarily wrong. But both people are accidentally triggering each other's nervous systems simultaneously. I think truly understanding this changes the way you see conflict for the better. Because now instead of viewing your partner as crazy, dramatic, cold, clingy, or avoidant, you start running away. You start running away. You recognizing that both people are often reacting from very human emotional survival strategies. One of the most important relationship skills you can learn is how to stay curious about your partner during conflict. Instead of immediately becoming adversarial, curiosity slows defensiveness down long enough for understanding to enter the conversation. In practice, curiosity means asking, help me understand why this upset you so much. What part of this was hurtful on a deeper level and what do you need from me right now? Curiosity can relinquish contempt because once contempt enters a relationship, it can be very hard to ever get back to that light, healthy place you once knew. Contempt is incredibly dangerous because it destroys a sense of mutual respect. Contempt looks like eye-rolling, mocking, cruel sarcasm, belittling hurtful jokes, weaponizing vulnerabilities your partner trusted you with, speaking to your partner like they are beneath you. We often underestimate how deeply these moments linger emotionally. A couple can recover from a disagreement about finances. A couple can recover from stress. A couple can recover from a miscommunication. But repeated humiliation slowly poisons intimacy because intimacy requires deep emotional trust. If you're extremely upset at your partner, they're still your partner. And their emotional safety and stability should still matter to you above all else. I think this is why accountability matters so much more than perfection in relationships. Healthy couples are not couples who never mess up. They're couples who prioritize repair after they do. Conflict itself does not usually destroy relationships. A failure to repair does. Repair is the moment someone softens instead of escalating. Repair is the moment someone says, you know what, you're right. I didn't handle that well. Repair is reaching for your partner's hand in the middle of tension. Repair is saying, we're on the same team. Repair is apologizing sincerely without immediately becoming defensive. And repair is being able to laugh together again after a hard conversation. I think one of the biggest misconceptions people have about apologies is that they think apologies are about surrendering or losing. But in healthy relationships, you should be excited to apologize. You should be excited to take accountability. Healthy apologies are not admissions of weakness. They're acknowledgements of emotional depth. Because yes, you can love someone deeply and still hurt them unintentionally. You can have good intentions and still create emotional pain. But mature relationships require the ability to own up to your part instead of blaming it all on the other. Look, defensiveness is natural. It's usually the nervous system trying to escape shame. But just because it's a natural instinct doesn't mean you can't recognize that response in the moment and make a shift. We've all gotten defensive before. I know I have. Someone tells you, that hurt my feelings. And instead of listening, you just immediately say, well, you do the same thing to me. Or you're too sensitive. It can be painful to be criticized for something you're doing wrong. Especially when you're armed with a laundry list of all the things you feel like you've done right. But when we react from this defensive mode, the conversation completely moves away from repair and into deep attention. People want to feel hurt, feel considered, and feel important. Which is why we need to learn to shift that gut reaction from wanting to defend yourself against your partner to wanting to validate your partner's feelings. Validation is key to a successful relationship. And that's why we need to learn to shift that gut reaction from wanting to defend yourself against your partner to wanting to validate your partner's feelings. It doesn't mean instant agreement. It just means acknowledging that your partner's emotional experience makes sense from their perspective. There's a huge difference between these two. You're wrong for feeling that way. And I can understand why that hurt you, even though that wasn't my intention. Your partner needs to have their reality recognized. They want to feel like you see them. And when that acknowledgement is missing, couples keep repeating the same fight over and over again because the emotional wound underneath the fight never actually got resolved. This is why some arguments can start to feel like endless loops. You fight about lateness every month. You fight about chores every week. Then you fight about tone every time you fight about lateness and chores. But underneath those repeating fights is usually one unresolved emotional fear. Maybe I don't feel prioritized. I don't feel appreciated. I don't trust that my needs matter. And until that deeper emotional issue gets addressed, the smaller surface fights will keep reappearing wearing different costumes. In my experience, one of the most common fights in relationships starts with the phrase, I shouldn't even have to ask. And honestly, I think what makes that phrase so emotionally charged is that people are usually arguing about much more than the task itself. They're arguing about consideration. They're arguing about division of labor. They're arguing about the fact that they feel alone in carrying the invisible weight of the relationship. Maybe one person feels like they're constantly managing everything in the background. Remembering birthdays, planning dinners, buying groceries, scheduling appointments, cleaning shared spaces, noticing when tasks need to be done. Over time, they stop feeling like a partner and start feeling like the unpaid project manager of the relationship. Meanwhile, the other person feels completely blindsided by the intensity of the frustration because from their perspective, nobody clearly communicated how deep the resentment had become. They probably don't even realize the breadth of the labor their partner is doing. So one person is thinking, how do you not see how much I'm carrying? While the other person is thinking, why am I failing a test I didn't know I was taking? This is where so many couples miss each other emotionally. One person wants to feel considered without having to ask. The other person needs clearer communication instead of assumed expectations. That's why healthy couples eventually learn how to communicate needs before resentment fully hardens around them. Because when someone has secretly felt unsupported for months, even very small moments start carrying disproportionate emotional weight. Suddenly, the argument that was technically about who was handling school pickup tomorrow turned into a blowout fight about all the overwhelming expectations each partner faces in the relationship. So where do you go from there? I think one of the healthiest things couples can learn to do is narrate the softer emotion underneath their reaction. Instead of only expressing the reaction itself, most people communicate pain through criticism, passive aggression, or defensiveness. And I get it, anger is much easier to express than vulnerability. But healthy conflict needs to be softer, slower, and validating to both sides, even when the conversation itself is difficult. So instead of saying, you never make time for me anymore, the healthier communication might sound more like, I miss you lady, can we carve out some more time for us? Instead of, you always choose other people over me. Healthy communication sounds like, I've been feeling a lot of pain, but I'm not feeling a little separate from your life recently, and I'd love to be more included. Instead of, you should just know what I need. Healthy communication sounds more like, I know you can't read my mind, so I want to tell you what would make me feel supported right now. One of the biggest and most impactful shifts couples can make is learning to assume misunderstanding before assuming malice. Because most of the time, people are not waking up, every morning, plotting ways to emotionally hurt their partner. Most people are just stressed, distracted, or caught up in their own world. If we can realize that our partner is not intentionally wanting us to feel pain, that goes a long way in how we can discuss the ways we're feeling hurt. That doesn't mean the impact of their actions suddenly disappears, but it changes the emotional stakes surrounding the conflict. If you truly want to get your emotional needs met and motivated, you need to approach your partner like a teammate, not an enemy. In a healthy relationship, both partners can trust that their concerns will be met with love and stability when they go to address them. They aren't constantly worrying about managing each other's reactions. But in unhealthy relationships, one person avoids bringing something up because they fear conflict. In unhealthy relationships, someone senses emotional distance and pulls back themselves In unhealthy relationships, resentment builds while tiny disappointments accumulate unacknowledged. Eventually, it all explodes. Conflict avoidance is just as damaging as that explosive conflict ultimately ends up being. Because couples who never fight are not actually healthy. Sometimes, they're simply emotionally avoidant. This episode is brought to you by Amazon Health AI. We've got to talk about those panicked internet searches. You've got to talk about those panicked internet searches. You've got to talk about those you know, the ones that I'm talking about, when something about your body just doesn't seem right. So, you search and search and scroll and scroll and trying to figure out your body by endlessly looking for answers. Thankfully, now there's Amazon Health AI. It can connect your symptoms with your medical history and it can even get you care 24-7. So, call off the search. Amazon Health AI is here. Healthcare just got less painful. Sometimes, nobody feels safe enough to bring up real needs. Sometimes, people suppress issues to avoid rocking the boat. Sometimes, couples become emotionally polite roommates instead of deeply connected partners. I would much rather be in a partnership where yes, we argue occasionally, but we repair so well that we end up in an even better place. Intimacy requires this sort of honesty with your partner. And the last thing I'll say on this is that I've noticed modern relationships, can often struggle unnecessarily. Because so much conflict now happens through technology. People argue over text where tone gets instantly distorted. People interpret punctuation as clues to deeper emotions. People spiral because someone said, okay, instead of okay. People assume they're in trouble because someone took hours to respond while at work. People screenshot conversations and send them to friends for their interpretations. People pay for their passively and aggressively post online instead of direct communicating with the person they need to talk to. All of this digital conflict removes so much humanity from communication. You cannot hear softness through a text. You cannot see remorse through punctuation. You cannot feel emotional sincerity through typing bubbles. And it all just causes misunderstandings to escalate incredibly quickly for no real reason. Whenever possible, save the fights for when you're together in person. Or at least on FaceTime if you're long distance. The back and forth and the time you have to analyze and rethink every word your partner is saying over text is not natural. In a healthy relationship, it should be perfectly okay to text your partner back during conflict and just say, I hear you. This is extremely important to me. I'd love it if we could address this face-to-face tonight so I can make sure I'm totally focused on hearing you out. One of the healthiest signs in a relationship is that you're not alone. You're not alone. You're not alone. You're not alone. Is that you both prioritize the long-term health of your partnership over the short-term win in an argument. And the truth is, healthy couples all know something very important. When handled correctly, conflict can actually deepen the relationship because few things build closeness more than feeling emotionally seen and understood during a hard moment of vulnerability. When someone says, I understand why you felt hurt. I'm listening. We're going to figure this out together. That creates safety. And safety is what allows relationships to survive through hard seasons. Appreciation of your partner during and after these conflicts also goes such a long way to preserving the safety and security you can both feel during fights in the future. Small moments matter so much. Thanking your partner, acknowledging effort, expressing admiration, showing affection, responding to bids for connection, softening after tension. These are true romantic moments in a healthy partnership because conflict will happen. But conflict is not the opposite of love. Indifferences, distances, emotional withdrawal is. Two people being willing to sit in discomfort together, work through misunderstandings together and keep choosing each other through hard conversations is actually one of the clearest signs that love is present. Because when you really think about it, relationships are not built during the easy moment. It's not built during the easy moment. It's built during the easy moment. Anyone can feel connected during vacations, date nights, and happy seasons of life. The true strength of a partnership is revealed in the moments where things feel inconvenient, stressful, emotional, or hard. It's revealed in the moments where both people have the opportunity to become defensive, cold, avoidant, or cruel, and instead choose to repair. I think a lot of people spend years searching for a relationship where conflict magically disappears. But mature love is not about finding someone you never struggle with. It's about finding someone who is willing to struggle well with you. Someone who can apologize. Someone who can hear your pain without immediately turning it into a debate about who's right. One of the most underrated relationship skills is the ability to zoom out during conflict and remember, this is still my person. Even in the middle of frustration, even in the middle of misunderstanding, even in the middle of feeling hurt or defensive, the healthiest couples protect the relationship even while it addressing the problem. Healthy couples understand that nobody feels emotionally safe when they constantly feel criticized, mocked, dismissed, or cornered. People soften when they feel understood. People become more open to accountability when they're not terrified of being destroyed in the process. That's why kindness during conflict matters so much. Remember that the person sitting across from you is someone you love, not someone you need to defeat. Over time, these small moments of repair become the foundation of trust inside a relationship. The apology after the misunderstanding, the hug after the hard talk, the willingness to circle back after emotions calm down. The minute someone says, I can see your side now, those moments may seem minor, but they are actually the bricks that long-term emotional safety gets built from. Stress will happen, miscommunication, and fear. But when you're in a relationship, you're not alone. You're not alone. People will disappoint each other. People will get reactive. People will bring old wounds into new conversations. That's human. But healthy couples learn how to return to each other. They learn how to repair. They learn how to apologize. They learn how to calm their nervous systems. They learn how to stay curious. They learn how to stop fighting to win and start fighting to understand. One of the most mature relationship realizations is understanding that your partner is not your enemy during conflict. The problem is the problem, not the other person. Because the healthiest couples are not the couples who never hurt each other. They're the couples who know how to protect the relationship while moving through hurt together. Thank you so much for watching. Remember, I'm forever in your corner, and I'm always rooting for you.