How Comparison Ruins Friendships

Daddy Gang, welcome back to another Sunday session. There has been so much going on in my life right now. I also can't tell if it's just May and everyone is busy, but from work to personal life has just been chaotic, but in a good way, like a good type of busy. I just got back from Canada, which was fun. That was only my second time in Canada, and it was so beautiful. We went there for a Google shoot we were doing. And guys, I was living my actress life for a week. It was so inspiring and it was so tiring. Like this entire experience made me realize how I have it so made, and I need to thank God every single day for my podcast life. Like growing up, I was like, oh my God, I want to be on a movie set. Like I want to be on halfway in Devil Wars Prada, like, or Miranda Priestly, you know, that works too. But like, then I get upset. And first of all, it was so incredible to get to work with these directors and producers that I was working with. And some of the actors are on some of my favorite shows that I've ever watched. It was amazing. And watching them in their element. I was like, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. However, I have been spoiled by being a podcaster because when I tell you, you sit down for a podcast, guys. You bang out two hours, okay? Two hours, you do a little bit of social media. And then a lot of it is like in the post-production, right? And it's just like a very, like, if you want to pivot, if you want to try something different, you can. It's like on the move, on the go, guys acting. When I think back to some of the most incredible movies I've ever watched in my life, I now just see it so differently. 'Cause I'm like, how did they get in a groove? How did they get in the groove? Because let me tell you, I would go on set. I would be on set, I would say two lines. They would say, cut, all right, go back to your trailer for 45 minutes. I'd say, we, but I only did two lines. Go back to your trailer for 45 minutes. We're gonna reset the cameras. I said, okay, and then are we gonna come and do the next other lines? No, you're gonna do those same lines in 45 minutes, just from a different angle. And like, I've known this 'cause I've gone on sets where Matt is making movies, but to actually physically be the actress, it really put in perspective. I was like, honestly, I have so much respect for actors and actresses, like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. But like, podcasting is for me. Cameos, you know, she can jump in. Do a little, oh, hey, I'm here. But, whoa, guys, I love podcasting forever and always. So yeah, so that was a positive, though. It was one of the most creative sets I've ever been on, and I can't wait for you guys to see it. We made like a micro drama, and it was insane, all that. Also, I am going to New York for a little bit of business, a little bit of personal. I'm going with my husband and my team from Unwell and Call Her Daddy, and I'm very excited to go to New York because I feel like New York in May, it's different, but it kind of is similar to New York in October. Like, the weather is perfect, people are out, everyone's in good moods, it's not disgustingly hot yet, similar to October where it's not disgustingly cold yet. Like, the vibes are great. I also just haven't been back to New York in a really long time, and I think I'm overdue for a New York trip. I still disclaimer have to say, though, like I, I am still happy that I don't live there. And I feel horrible saying that, 'cause I was such a New Yorker, I felt like for so long, but like, I just, I need the grass, I need the grass, I need the trees, I need it more than I thought. I think maybe it's just a getting older thing, but like, it's too overstimulating for forever, but I love a good pop-in pop-out. I have so many food stops that I need to make, people that I need to see, places I need to go. What else is going on in my life? I deleted TikTok off of my phone. I would say I did that like two weeks ago, and I moved Instagram to the last slide of my phone. So like, if I wanna go on it, I gotta really search for it. And let me tell you something. Life has been really good. Life has been really good because I have read many books. I read "Count My Lies" by Sophie Stava. And now it's an excitingly getting made. I believe into a movie or a TV show with, oh my God, who are gonna be the actual, oh, it's Lindsay Lohan and Shaline Woodley. And I just read the book. I was like, okay, it was actually really, really insane. Like if you like twists and turns, baby, you're on a twist and turn. I read "Strangers" by Bell Burton, which is like, everyone has been talking about this woman's memoir about her husband cheating on her and leaving her and her entire life flowing up in COVID. And it was actually so traumatizing and so sad, but also just such a testament to women. And like, we need to make sure we are good on our own always. And last but not least, if anything, this is my absolute fucking favorite, Miss Lina Dunham. I love you so much. I'm reading her memoir and I just finished it last night. Famic, let me just tell you something. I have loved Lina Dunham for so long. I remember the first time I had a meeting with her and I just was like, I love you so much, Lina. And just to like know you is to be, is a privilege. This book, if you need a new book, you guys. Oh my God, what that woman has been through. It puts life in perspective and I just, she's such a genius. The way that she writes is, she's just brilliant. Like, there's something so inspiring, reading someone who is so brilliant and the way that she writes, I just never wanted to put the book down and Matt was like, okay, I get it. We love Lina Dunham, but we have to eat. And I was like, reading it at dinner and I was like, okay, you ready to put it down. And now I'm depressed because I finished it too quickly. And I'm like, Lina, now we need another book. So, love that if anyone needed any recommendations. But now I'm, now I need a new book, okay? And if you could drop a new book rec in the comments, I'm on a kick right now. Like, I want to read and not scroll and so far, so good. Oh, last but not least in life updates, which is the, probably like the thing I'm the most excited about is, I finally booked a summer trip with my three girlfriends. And I could not be more excited. We are going to do a trip to my lake house this summer. It is so hard to plan a girl's weekend when you are in your 30s because all of us, every single group text is like, all right, wait, let me check that we, I have a wedding that we can, every single one of us has like 14 weddings this summer. And we are like, where is the one weekend that you don't have a bachelor at or a wedding or a wedding or like all of us somehow have so many weddings this summer? So we finally were like, this is the weekend. No one's getting married. No one, like hopefully no one dies. Like, let's just put it on the books. So we planned it and then the minute we planned it, obviously Lauren is planning a themed dinner party. It's gonna, Lauren, the best part about Lauren is she is the best time friend, right? Like, you're like, oh, what are we gonna do? And she's like, we're having a themed dinner party obviously. And I'm like, oh, okay, what's the theme? So Lauren's currently working on themes. She's pitching ideas, which is very exciting. But I'm just so excited to have a girls trip on the books to like, downtime, we have activities. It just makes me really, really happy. And I think why I'm also just so excited is all of us going on this trip are kind of more than ever right now individually going through such different things in life right now. We're all at very defining but weird points. Like and so I'm really looking forward to having time to just pour into each of us and support each other and talk through all that is going on in our lives. And there's nothing better than just sitting around a fireplace or on a lake, on a boat and being like sobbing, good tears, some good tears of being like, just with your girls, which is kind of what inspired the topic that I want to talk about today. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) I don't know about you guys, but everywhere I go or anytime I open my phone, I, it's like making me mad, but I hear people talking about looks maxing, money maxing, protein maxing, whatever maxing, like people can't stop saying it right now. Every young person in our office is like, I'm whatever maxing and I'm like, oh my God, I'm hearing it everywhere, okay? But today I want to talk about something called Freudin, Freuda, maxing. Here she comes, the grandma's in the room, okay? Listen to me. If you're like Alex, what the fuck are you saying? That's not English, don't worry. I got you, let me tell you, okay? Freudin, Freuda is a term, I think it could be a recent term, it could be a made up term, honestly God knows, but it is the experience of feeling joy for someone else's happiness. success. And so before we get like dive into the topic, I want to set the scene to why this has been on my mind aside from the girls trip I'm having coming up. And it's almost like on one hand, that group of friends is only illuminating in my life of how fortunate I am to have friends. Like we're all so supportive of each other. We never get on fights in these trips. There's no weird dynamics. There's no competitiveness. There's no there's literally nothing but good vibes. And then another friend they have in a different friend group. She has been calling me a lot lately. A lot more than usual, I would say, which don't get me wrong, I love. I'm so happy that I'm hearing from her. But basically, my friend got engaged about, I think she got like two months ago. And they have been together for a few years. They just moved in together. And she understandably has just been like so beyond excited about it. And I am so happy for her. Right? Such a great time in her life. But since that she's been engaged, she has been calling me so much more than usual. And she's calling to talk, like check in, talk about wedding updates, dress ideas, like venue options, like all of it. And again, I love hearing from her. But yesterday when she called, it was like the third time in one week. And it was the second time in that one day. And I was like, I feel like I could just, you know, when you're talking to your friend, I'm like, I can just feel some things off. Like you can just feel the vibes. And so I let her know. I'm like, girl, I absolutely love hearing from you. And I will talk about those wedding details until we are blue in the face. But I do have to ask because I know you so well, like, is everything okay? Like are you good? Because obviously you've been calling more than normal. And I'm here. And I love it. And I love hearing from you. But I just want to make sure you're good because I feel like something could be off. But I could be completely reading like the wrong tone over the phone or whatever. And the minute I opened up that conversation for her, she just started breaking down. And she was like, honestly, I'm so sorry that I keep coming to you. But all of my friends that I usually talk to on the more like day to day or just like talk to, like I talk to you are either single or they're in not really great relationships right now. And no one really seems to be as happy or excited for me as you do in this new stage of my life. And so after she and I debriefed the latest venue, it's a great venue by the way. We ended up hanging up. And I couldn't stop thinking about this. I really couldn't because I realized that, first of all, I have had my own version of doing this too. Like when I have a big or exciting thing going on whether it's with work or it's with Matt or like literally anything, I have those certain people who I know to call for certain things. And if you really pause and I'm sure if you think about it, I am sure you know which people in your life are going to be genuinely so happy for you and celebrate you in those big moments of your life or those happy moments in your life. And you also know which people probably won't. And there is honestly nothing worse than being so excited about a new job or a new boyfriend, a new apartment or whatever it may be that's going on in your life in that moment. And then you call your friends so excited and they just downplay it. Or they dismiss it when you share it with them. Even worse, they make it somehow about them. Like you're calling with this big news and then they're like, yeah, whatever. Anyways, so and you're like, wait, how did we or they start just like complaining about how they don't like their job and their dating life sucks or you know, whatever it is. But somehow they change the entire conversation and make you feel like, wait, this isn't, this isn't really why I called it now. I'm feeling like kind of shitty actually and a little frustrated. And what I have come to terms with with these type of friendships is that at a certain point you either have to start to pull away from those type of friends that can't celebrate you or you kind of have to call them out. And sometimes you also need to be self-aware if maybe you are the friend that's being that friend. Like maybe you are the Debbie Downer. So this is what I want to talk about today because I feel like so much of the daddy gang is at a place in their life where we are all having big changes, right? But if you don't have the right people around you, girl, as I've been loving to do on the Sunday sessions, guys, I did a little research. Okay, nothing crazy, but I did a little research. And I wanted to read a part of an article that I found that kind of breaks this down pretty well. It's written by a clinical psychologist and it's called why is my best friend never happy for me? They write, whether it's good or bad news, our impulse as humans is to share our news with those close to us. Most of us don't give too much thought about how our friends will react to our good news. We assume that they'll share in our happiness and react with excitement and enthusiasm. But what happens when they don't? Friendships, just like relationships can go through different and sometimes difficult phases. Now might be a good time to be curious about why your friend is responding to you in this way. Ask yourself, has she always responded to my good news in this way? Or is this a new pattern? If so, what might have changed for her to be responding this negatively? When people don't feel good about themselves, they might look for ways to boost their self-esteem. Sometimes they may even resort to put downs or negative comments as a way of momentarily giving themselves a sense of being better than others. Is it possible this might be the case with your friend? Or perhaps you feel that envy or competitiveness may be a feature of your friendship? Another possibility is that sometimes we can transfer or displace our emotions onto our closest friends. Could it be that your friend is feeling negative about other things but is projecting her feelings on to you? There are many possible explanations for why this might be occurring and only through some honest discussions with your friend will you be able to uncover the truth. Oh, here's where motherfucking hurts. Okay. I also want to clarify before I fully dive into this and how I would personally handle it. I understand that when talking about this, there is so much nuance to everyone's watching's dynamic with their friend. I'm not going to be able to pinpoint every single certain situation. I'm going to try to like broadly address and then obviously you guys can try to apply it to your life. So let's talk about just like do you even approach a conversation with your friend about this issue? My first advice is you first need to determine like is there a dynamic shift that just happened out of nowhere or are you just now starting to realize like huh. And so I think a dynamic shift that's current obviously this person could be stressed. There could be insecurity. They could be burnt out from their own life. They could be going through heartbreak. They could have career struggles, family stuff like your lives. I think you have to recognize may have recently become less aligned which can heighten comparison with one of your friends right like oh you just got the job and they just got fired from their job so maybe they're not going to be so fucking happy for you that you just got your job right. So if that is the case that something just tangibly just currently happened my advice and this isn't just like a bitch there's always been a bitch. I think my conversation approach is like you need to actually investigate what changed in the relationship and this kind of takes a level of maturity and reciprocity and self-awareness from you. And I want to clarify you shouldn't always be the one that has to break the ice but when you're the one experiencing the happiness and this does feel like a one-off with your friend who's not really reciprocating and celebrating you I do think it's appropriate to ask if she's okay. Like hey I've noticed recently that when I'm kind of sharing things I'm excited about the response feels different than it used to and so I just wanted to ask like have you like has something shifted between us or is something like going on that like you know I just I just wanted to open the conversation because guys best case is she opens up and she tells you like yeah I just found out my mom is sick or I just found out I'm getting laid off and I'm so sorry that did it you know what I mean like but we have to be self-aware enough that if our friend is not happy for us give them the opportunity to tell you why because there's also probably something and then that's like I don't want to bring this up but like they may not even notice they're doing it right I think the more serious thing to talk about and unfortunately the more common issue is like if it's a pattern if it's a pattern that you have been noticing for a while in your friendship and maybe you're just really starting to notice it now because your wins are becoming bigger and more noticeable and you've done the self-work where you're less willing to tolerate digs from this person and you're like I can't fucking stand this anymore like why is Casey always making these rude comments when I have a good day also you've probably gained other friendships that show you what supportive friends actually look like I think that can be a huge one where you're like wait a second. I've been putting up with this nonsense for so long and now I have these gorgeous friends that are like taking me out for celebratory drinks, Casey's never once asked me to go for celebratory drinks. If anything, somehow I have a maximum of like 30 seconds to talk about my wins, and then she somehow makes about her. That I think is the more common situation, right? And I think that conversation approach is less about responding to an incident and more just finally naming a pattern with your friend. Like, hey, I have realized this has become a pattern in our relationship, and I honestly kind of often feel like our conversations, it feels like you're downplaying things that I'm excited about or proud of, or when I do share something positive that's going on in my life, it's often met with negativity. Now, obviously depending on how your friend responds is gonna tell you a lot about the future of your friendship, right? And so I will say entering my 30s, I am really happy and proud and fortunate. Like, I don't really have these type of friendships anymore. All of them I would say were completely shed by my late 20s, but I do wish that I had the tools to have these type of conversations as intimidating and scary as they can be with friends. I do genuinely believe that when you actually can have a conversation with a friend, it is always going to make you feel better if you try and talk something through, especially if it's with a longstanding friend, rather than just like slowly and intentionally distancing and go-sing. Again, everyone situation is different. You could be like Alex, I wish I could have a conversation with this person, but now I'm realizing, I got a narcissist on my hands, and I'm like, girl, hit that block button, like I get it, but I just overall personally have found kind of closure when I'm able to express my feelings and I am direct. And so even if you end up deciding the friendship isn't going to last, at least you were able to communicate it so you have nothing left unsaid, right? And also, I think the whole point of life is like then you're more prepared next time this comes up in another relationship that you're dealing with, right? You're like, oh, I know how to handle this, I know the conversation, I know what to do. I think if we just don't acknowledge and handle things to some degree, it's just gonna keep happening. (upbeat music) Now you're all like, okay, so I'm confronting Cassandra, what the fuck, Cassie, I'm going up to Rebecca, like I'm having these conversations. When do you know then to end the friendship? I think when it comes to friendship, I typically believe that. I don't know, I just don't think you should cut someone off over one disappointing moment. I think most people deserve more than that. I would pay attention to how they respond when you do initiate this conversation, right? Like do they respond to the conversation with actual genuine care and curiosity? Like of like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't even realize I was doing that or do they get defensive? And they're like, you know what, Alex, you're too sensitive. Not everything is about you. You're always like, are they score-keeping? That is the fuck, oh my God, guys, any relationship, romantic or friendship or family. If someone is score-keeping, aka like, well, I supported you the one time, even though it was inconvenient for me. Like the victimization, when they're like, well, I guess I'm just a horrible friend then, right? Like I've never showed up for you and you're like, wait, no, no, this is literally not what I'm, wait, how did this become, no, I'm, I'm, huh? Guys, that is probably when you know you need to end the fucking friendship. If you are feeling that insane and someone is score-keeping and victimizing themselves and you're like, what? I think in those moments you really need to ask yourself, is this friendship having larger consequences on your life? Is it affecting how you show up in other places and other relationships? Are you becoming quieter, less confident? Are you downplaying your success? Are you literally scared to tell them about your wins? If your friend is unwilling to meaningfully engage in this conversation with you, again, don't be a fucking asshole, right? Like I can't, I can't help you there. If you're like, you're honestly such a bitch when I come to you about my wins. Like, well then they're gonna be a cut back. Do you know what I mean? But if you approach it with genuine curiosity care being like, I want to fix this and they don't meet you there, you may just realize the dynamic is starting to just, like it's not working for you. It's even affecting outside of the friendship. You're thinking about it, you're walking on eggshells, like no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I also just like very much think, I don't know, I think you're in the right for determining whether or not you wanna continue to have this person in your life in the same way, depending on how they respond to you genuinely looking to repair something. And I also will say about that, like, again, when it comes to the nuance, this is where it's so hard not having a tangible example, right? Like, I have had friends that are going through it and I know they're going through it and I know that they're not the person I should be calling right now because they're going through it. And there is, the way there is reciprocity in that friendship is it's a little uneven for now. And I know it's not gonna last forever, but it's like when my friend is going through something hard, I'm picking up the phone and I'm calling and I'm not talking about myself. And I'm just listening and I'm there and you're there and you're there and you're there. And even when they ask you about yourself, you read the room enough to be like, girl, I'm so good, we can talk about me another time. Like, everything's good, Matt and I are good, whatever, did it, but like, love you and like, do you wanna do another call on Sunday? You have to be self-aware as a friend to know when you need to back down off of your own personal shit to be there for a friend. If it is the entirety of your friendship and you're doing that 24/7, not healthy, but there are ebbs and flows and relationships that you need to be strong for a friend, 'cause guess what, then all of a sudden, eight months from now, when you end your engagement or someone in your family dies, that's when you can then see, is this an actual reciprocal relationship? Does that friend now step up for you? And so it's not always going to be 50/50 jogging down the road and, oh my god, and me and fucking Rebecca are just, bam, it's like ping pong. We're like, oh, and you go next and, that's just like not life, right? You can't plan for trauma and horrible things happening and just bad spurts of your life. So the score keeping, it gets confusing 'cause some people are gonna have worse years than others. But if it is 24/7, if you're like, I don't know the last time I haven't listened to her with her pain, then that's where I get it, where you're like, I'm getting drained by this person. And if the person can't meet you any time with your wins, then what is, that's what friendship is for. When I think about going on this girl's trip with my friends, all of us have such a different job, such different relationships, such different family dynamics, and why I love girl trips with this group is we all are individually able to hold space for our own personal situation, and show up for our friends, even if we can't relate to what they're talking about, and be supportive, ask the right questions, be inquisitive about what's going on and how are they feeling about that? Like, that's just being a good friend, right? And I think also, like I mentioned, if someone is going through a hard period and they're not celebrating your wins, like, it's okay, you have other people in your life, don't just cut them off because she's having a bad week. Now, I think the last part of this dynamic that we can address is like, are you the person? Are you the culprit, you little shit? Are you, are you the one? And what do I mean by that? Let's flip this, right? If you're sitting there, maybe listening to this episode, being like, you know what? I'm being a little introspective right now, which we love, and you're just starting to wonder, Alex, maybe I'm this person. Oh, doggies, Alex, this could be me. Whether my, you know, friends have good news to share, my first thought kind of goes to comparison or jealousy. Like, I don't immediately feel happy for them. If you're having thoughts of jealousy or envy when your friends share good news with you, first, let me just grant you a little bit of, you know, cushion, like, it can sometimes be natural. I get it, you're like, oh, God, she got the job. Like, oh, like I really wanted that or oh, my God, and I'm failing at whatever, like I get it. Those are human emotions. Everyone is going to feel them at some point. Even if you feel a little ping of jealousy, or even more than that, like that doesn't make you bad friend. What starts to make you bad friend is do you let those thoughts impact how you treat your friend? Can you sit with your own feelings and not act cold or dismissive towards your friend? Can you hold that for after and can you still behave in a supporting way while then later sorting through your own resentment or envy? Listen, if you're relating to this, I'm going to just share the advice that I remember my therapist gave me once. She said the first step is looking inward to really try to identify what feelings are coming up for you independent of your friend. Like, do you really care that your friend got the job? But are you feeling comparable? person because you are feeling shitty about your situation at your job. Do their wins feel like evidence that you may be falling behind? Maybe it's feelings of grief, like did they just get something, right? Whether it's the engagement or the promotion that you have been so desperately wanting for yourself. Also another option is it could be a threat to your identity. And just like what I mean by that is, were you used to being, and I think this unfortunately, if you've been friends with people for a long time, this can happen, were you used to being the successful one in the group, or used to being the relationship expert in the group. And now it feels like you're losing that. I think we need to be just aware of our triggers if you feel behind in relationships. Yes, maybe a wedding or an engagement, maybe a little tough for you right there, right? If you feel behind financially, then a friend finally closing on their dream home may bring up feelings for you understandably. Maybe you're realizing you haven't been the best at working through these feelings on your own. And so you kind of haven't been as supportive as you should be to your friends. Guys, that's going to happen. You're not going to be perfect in your friendships, but you have to own it. And I think you could own it and say something. I think every one of us has had those moments where the friend owns it. And you're like, oh my god, I respect you even more like, hey, I have been reflecting and I realize I haven't been showing up as supportive as I want to be when you share exciting things. And I honestly think some of my own stuff has been bleeding into how I respond to what you're going through. And I'm really, I'm really sorry if it feels like I'm minimizing your big moments. I don't know if anyone has been has had those conversations with friends. But what I can say is I feel so grateful to have had so many moments in friendship where either me or they are meeting you there and it just goes such a long way. Because you're like, oh my god, you're self-aware. You're owning it. I didn't really have to get mad at you. You were self-aware. It's okay. We all go through it, right? I just think overall people who can celebrate others aren't people who never have the feeling of envy or jealousy. That's just, that's not true. They're people though who know how to sit with those feelings without making it everyone else's problem. And those are really enjoyable people to be around. I'm not saying you have to constantly fake it around your friends and be like, so happy for you. So happy for you. But when it is when we're talking about them, you can be happy for them. And then when they're asking how you're doing, then it is your time to share, right? Overall, I think it's just a good reset reminder like celebrating your friends wins. Not only makes them feel supported and strengthens your friendships, but it also is going to benefit you. Like be a little selfish for a second. Here you go. Your default stops being comparison and instead you can just feel joy and like be in the moment for your friend during big and exciting life moments because everyone's going to have their turn. Like I think sometimes we forget that guys. There is reciprocity in uplifting your friends. And then when you have like a win, they're going to celebrate your wins because you always celebrate their wins like. And then when you're going through it, they're going to be there for you because when they're going through it, you are there for them like you want to show up in the same way for each other. So no, maybe the situation just gets easier as you get older because as much as all of this is presented as a friendship topic, I think it has never been more clear to me that like we're not really talking about friendship. You're really just talking about being an individual. It literally has kind of nothing to do with friends. They're just kind of a mirror of what's going on with you. Are you able to show up in your life and be confident enough that other people succeeding and being happy doesn't disrupt what you have going on? If you're not capable of celebrating other people's wins, that is probably nine to ten times. It's just a you thing. It's completely about you. It has nothing to do with your friends. And as you grow, and I think as you have more life experiences in as you get older, like you just get more sure of who you are and what you want. I was thinking about it this morning in preparing for this like in your 20s, there is so much pressure to get the job and the guy and the apartment and the social group and so you can get so wrapped up in hitting that benchmark. Then when you're really honest with yourself, you don't even know why you want to hit the benchmark or if that's the benchmark, you actually want to hit. You're like sometimes you're like end up chasing things because everyone else is chasing that benchmark and you're like, wait, is that what I actually want or is it because everyone else is doing it? And so when you're 20s, you can, if you're not feeling like you're at the front of the pack, it can sometimes make you feel like you're failing. And I'm just here to tell you, like, that's just not true. It's really not true to be able to separate who you are and what you want from other people around you, who you love and are really, you know, amashed with. It's such an important tool to have in life so you can be surrounded by positive, strong people because if you can't, I genuinely believe you kind of repel healthy relationships. And so being self-aware enough to look at like, have you lost friendships in the past couple of years? This could be one of those reasons. Like people are just like, she literally just, it's all about her, she's not feeling good about her life and she can't let anyone else have a good fucking time. And that is not the gold daddy gang we want friends, we want happiness and we want to celebrate everyone's fucking wins because there's nothing better. I forget who it was, it may have been, it was either Mariska Hargoteger, Ellen Pompeo when I interviewed them and they were just like, oh, actually, no, it was Michelle Obama. Of course it was, Michelle Obama literally goes, when we're all winning, we're all winning. And when one of us is winning, we all feel like we're winning. Like one friend's winning and the other friend then feels like, oh, I'm going to get that next one or whatever. Like, as we all raise and we all are together in this friend group, like, it's all going to ebb and flow. You see someone winning, especially as a woman, be excited for that person because you're going to be next. You have to believe that, right? And being around people who are winning and having success, like, that's exciting. That is going to wear rub off on you instead of feeling like the Grinch in the corner, like secretly hoping that your friend, like, doesn't win. That's just going to come back on you because Karma's a bitch. Okay, daddy gang. We're going to send to some questions now that we're all now that we had a little just reset on friendship because sometimes we need that. I swear though, if I have people in my 20s listening, it really does get better in your 30s. Like, you just kind of weed out, you weed out the people that aren't meant to be there. And then the ones that are meant to be there, you're locked in and it feels like you're locked in for life. Okay, question one. I have been seeing a guy for four months and he still hasn't saved my number with my name in his phone. It's just my number. I accidentally saw it when he was ordering us food. Should I be deeply offended, do I say something? You know, there's two, there's two sides to the coin here because you're like men are dumb, but we can't blame their dumbness on their shortcomings and their sketchiness. So like, you could say like he's just dumb, like he just hasn't saved it or all of his numbers in his phone unsaved numbers. That's probably the biggest red flag I've ever, maybe one of them have ever seen. But my gut is this is, this is bad, this is really bad. My gut is that you are number because he doesn't, he doesn't want to put that name in girl. And it's like a, it's a painful thing to, I'm sure, see and four months, like we're almost halfway through the year, you know, you're almost at that six months mark. I would be concerned. And then I think all I can say back to you because I'm not in this relationship is are there other things that this man is doing that are also just like a little, a little concerning. Like he makes you walk 10 steps ahead outside or 10 steps behind. If you go to pull up social media because you guys are out, you're going to film something. He's ducking. You know, he's ducking. He's rolling. He's doing stop, drop in a roll. You know, you got to look for the signs, like are there other like feminine products in his bathroom? Is he like the, that's where I think you got like it's the context clues that you just need to wrap around the year number not being saved. Who knows? He could be like so brilliant IQ at the highest it could be and he just memorizes everyone's numbers. And it's kind of a game he likes to play with himself, you know? He's like, oh, 484 is this two and five is this 701 is that like he just noses people. But I have a feeling that's not that's not the case. And if it's not the case, you could be in a situation ship that is going nowhere. And the worst also is if you have his name saved and there's like a little, there's like a little heart next to it, you know, it's like Mikey with like a purple heart. It's got to go. We got to go. So context clues around it, but then you'll know, but my gut says just and again, I could be so jaded from having dated like really weird men in my past. You could have a good one and I could be completely off, but I I would need the context clues. So right back in, let us know. But it doesn't look good. Okay, next. Alex, what is your take on supporting your partner in public and then addressing issues in private? For example, my boyfriend recently got into a tense back and forth with one of our friends at dinner and was being way harsher than necessary. In the moment, I felt uncomfortable and honestly thought he was wrong. But I didn't know if it was my place to step in or if I should just support him publicly and talk to him about it later. That is such a good question. Oh, oh, let's talk about this. Oh my gosh, this could take us into the distance to end this episode. Okay, wait, let me think about this. My first thought, this has happened to me in a previous relationship where, oh boy. It was those dinners where I, it almost just like illuminates, well, let me not put my charm on to you. Anyways, publicly supporting him, I do think can look like you're not shitting on him in front of people and you're not making it look like you both are so divided. But I do think you can just, how about this? A hand on the thigh and a squeeze and a turn to him. I think, like a little comment. You know, like, and again, when drinking's been involved, God bless you and good luck and good night. But if drinking hasn't been involved, I think it's a little squeeze on the thigh or a little like, you know, touch on the arm and be like, babe, I think, I think, like, let's cool it. Like, let's, and if you have a good relationship, hopefully your partner and you can be like, he can look at you and be like, oh, okay, you're right. If he's like, no, and another thing, you can then I think say, like, this is making me really uncomfortable. You could remove yourself from the table or here's the thing. And this is what's so fucking crazy about relationships and this is why it is so important to truly pick the right partner in life long term. You could sit there and silence. And I think your silence and your body language can show that you are not enjoying this. And clearly, something has gotten heated. You're not shitting on your partner, but you're also a little bit in solidarity with the person that they're going at. And you're uninterested. And this is not making you happy. And you're not, like, no, I'm not, and I'm not liking it. And you can either get up from the table or you can just be really silent. And that, but I do think in my personal opinion, the big conversation, yes, you save that for at home. No, like, here's the thing about life. No one gives a fuck about anyone else, okay? And so you guys having an argument or you calling out your partner in front of the dinner table, you're just gonna ruin everyone's night. And it's just gonna get so awkward for people and what are they supposed to do? Like, then you're imposing your issues onto this entire night of people. Also, it makes it a little bit more heightened. Like, even if that was an awkward one, you can even, like, kind of, you know, defuse it by being like, all right, let's all try to enjoy the rest of our night. Are we done? Like, okay. And then later, you could also send some side texts being like, I'm so sorry. Like, that, I know that got really heated. And like, that wasn't, like, we, not happy about it. And I'd like talk to Jason. And like, we both feel just like upset that it got out of hand. But I do think the big conversation, save it for behind closed doors. But the public cheerleader, you don't need to act like you were a united front on this. 'Cause I think sometimes in life, what's really important is you do not need to agree on every single thing with your partner. I have 100% been like, oh, I would have handled that. differently in like relationships. I'll look at a guy and be like, I wouldn't have done that way. But I'm not publicly crucifying him, but I'm, I'm for sure clocking it. But I do think if this becomes a pattern, I think I've had a lot of friends who have had moments like this in previous relationships that they're like, he's embarrassing me when we're out. I have a friend who used to date this guy that it was like the minute the drink started flowing, the minute the public, like facade opened and he's this party guy and he's talking and he's loud and he's doing all this, she was like, I'm embarrassed. And I would say to her, he is a reflection of you, right? So if it's a one-off dinner and something happens with your partner and you're like, you actually like an ass, like what the fuck got it? Talk to him when you get home, boom. But if this is consistent, I think this is something you have to look at of, it kind of doesn't matter the dinner party, it is actually like, this is a personality trait of this person and they are a direct reflection on you. And so at some point, it then is on you. Like I think at some point, you then do become kind of like your partner and you do kind of become responsible to some degree. I'm not saying ladies that were responsible for all these men's actions, but to some capacity if every single time you are going to a dinner party with all of your friends and your boyfriend is constantly ruining things. People are probably gonna stop inviting you guys as much or not wanting to invite him or feeling different and like, that's not fair to you, right? 'Cause it is a reflection on you. You are choosing to be in a relationship with this person. You are choosing to be partnered with this person and you are choosing to impose this person onto this friend group. 'Cause guess what? If they all were like, we don't want 'em here, but we'll let 'em be here because of you. There's like a weird, oh my God, I could do a whole episode on that. There's like this weird dynamic where it's like, you have a responsibility over your partner to a certain extent. Again, very nuanced, but yeah, I'm sorry. I just think, again, context clues here of like, how often does this happen? If it was a one-off, I get it. I also think sometimes like, if this happens a lot and if he over drinks in moments or whatever, code words, hey, they say it for home, they say it for home, and if he looks at you, I think there's something really important that I always want in relationships is like, I could never be with someone who is different in public than they are behind closed doors. That to me is like, I don't know, I just wouldn't feel safe. And I think something that I have been so fortunate in meeting Matt 'cause I had the opposite with a lot of relationships was like, when we are in public and when we are private, like I'm not getting a different version of this person and when we are in public, there's such a, like a team feeling if there's, if people are drinking and things are like, we're, we got this, like we're together, we have our eye contact, we know if someone's being inappropriate and weird towards us, we're like, oh my god, okay. You wanna feel like you're a team and you wanna feel like you're safe with your person, but if it's your person that's making you feel embarrassed, unsafe, not really like, it's not congruent with who you are and it's not really aligning with your morals and your values, I think that again, it's the friendship around you that's kind of mirroring back onto you. Like, wow, my friend's boyfriend never does that. They, he, she never has to kind of real him in. Like, it's all mirroring that you're feeling insecure within your own relationship and that is something that you also then do have to handle behind closed doors. Woo, guys, dating the guy who is the party boy or the life of the party or the guy that's always like the most talkative, it's such a thrill and it can be so fun, but having that is your life partner and it can be a little bit of a disaster. I'm not saying every situation, if you've had success, obviously amazing, but it is something to look for because it can make you feel really small and really out of control in moments. And when they're like, it's just my personality babe and you're like, oh, am I like them dimming his light? Like, no, you're not dimming a man's light. You, at the honestly ever, if you're ever feeling like he needs to be dimmed the fuck down, then he needs to be dimmed the fuck down probably. Okay, that is it for this Sunday session. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Always open to suggestions for topics that you want to hear me talk about. And I will keep you guys updated on all of my trips coming up and all the good things happening and write in to call her daddy and let me know what's going on in your life that Father Cooper can help you with. I love you guys so much. I will see you fuckers on Wednesday. Goodbye. (upbeat music)