151: Hot Key Fob with Lev Fer | Soder Podcast | EP 147

I'm in Portland, Maine September 10th through the 12th at Empire Comedy Club. The early shows are sold out, but we still have late shows with tickets available. Those are at danceunter.com, and then if you're in Hartford, Connecticut, I will be there September 17th through the 21st doing five shows, no, I'm sorry, that's way too many days. On the other 17th through the 19th, do you mean to give you false information? I will be there on Thursday, September 17th, Friday, September 17th, and Saturday, September 19th. danceunter.com, there's gonna be a lot of fun shows, also just go to my website, all the dates are there through the end of the year, and check out punchup.live, got movie watchalongs, you can also sign up for my mailing list, so when I come to your city, you already know. And these little intros don't mean jack squat. Enjoy the episode, have a good week. (upbeat music) Now, onto that hat. Now, here's the thing I am impressed with you about. (laughing) And I've always, it's like, the hot guy still lives in there. (laughing) This is not a hot guy, that purple hat is a hot guy. I'm telling you right now, that is a hot guy risk. It's a risk, but it's not a hot guy. Oh, it's not a hot guy, yeah, that's true. There's not a hot guy move. This is still like when I was a middle school fat kid, this is the Fedora equivalent. No, this is Fedora. Baby on a blanket at a picnic. That's how you dress. You look like your mom just put you down. That sounds like a great thing. You know what it is? It's like, I bought this stupid hat for my livestreams. I was like, let's wear something dumb while I stream. Is that the new, do you think that is? It's the new podcasting, I don't know. Okay, that's what, I have to ask you like an old man. You have to come and have, you're visiting me at my home. Where I go, what's the new way to get people? So you're podcasting, but it's live to the body. What, what are you talking to? Who are you talking to? I can't wait for podcasting to die. It's close. It's like, I was thinking of this today and obviously I asked you to be here and I love you. But I'm like, we all have tricked ourselves into like having to do morning radio now. Well, we all turned ourselves into morning radio, but the old dogs will tell you that picking the time is the victory, because I don't have to be up at 5.30 a.m. to get picked up by a club manager that's still on Coke driving me to talk to a guy named Willie the Wiley. And he's like, yeah, yeah, how long, what made you want to get into comedy? They're not even in the studio. They're remote from their home studio. And excusable. Bill Burr used to do the funniest thing back in like 2007 if you went to his website. It was his bio was like, hey, radio DJ, I'm probably sitting across from here. That's funny. Here's what you should ask me about and you're like, brilliant, because it's like morning radio, which is like a relic now. It still happens in some places. There are still like precedent, Steve, there are shows that are fucking great, but you know you're fucked when you go in and the guy asks you why you got into comedy. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. And it's like Wayne's rule, too. They don't even look at you. Yeah. But now streaming, do you have to, my favorite streaming thing is reading the chat? Oh, it's so fun. I think that, but no, the way people look when they do it where they go like, all right, guys, this game's heating up. Yeah, that's right. That's right. I did just miss that power up. Okay, let's go. It's like, you know what? I like seeing. I like seeing like when there's a, there's like one of 10 comments will be mean and personal and I have tried to hide it on my face, like you don't want to switch. It's like when Trump got booted for the National Anthem, you can see like that twitching is mouthy. They love it. This is actually good. All heat is good heat. Yeah. I would stop. That's why I can't stream. Because out of me, they'd be like, why don't you say that? I have the past being Batman. You think like a Batman? Who's a man child? What the hell? I'm number four. I switched to night wing for this mission. Why? Yeah. They always hurt. I had a comment rock me where I was like, I was like, I'm just straight, I'm playing like Resident Evil. Yeah. And we're having a good time and then like all of a sudden one comment was just so personal in the stream. And it's like, it's one of these guys who like just lives to, he comes to the stream and he just, he thinks he's trying to do the ball busty thing. Sure. And he's just like, your mother watches this and she's ashamed of you or some shit like that. And I'm just like trying not to blush while I'm running from fucking Mr. X and Resident Evil. Go, go, go, go, go. And then it's funny to be scared and hurt. Oh, yeah. Go, go, go. No. You know what, I don't even care if it gets me. Yeah. You know what? You stop. He's like the other controller. Take me ghost. I would be, I, you'd be a great life shooter because you spazly out and get angry would be awesome. I've had to work. And the reason is that Dan exists in very small doses. Yeah. I see these tables right here, they're IKEA, maybe 12 bucks. Okay, really? When we first moved in, I still had, there are two wolves inside of you. One of those wolves wants to punch a table when you lose a video game and I used to be a big spaz. I used to really. Well, you got a real anger down on you. Well, I, you know what's funny is I started getting it out. And then I started getting chippy with people. Yeah. That was the last two years. I was starting to get chippy and people were being like, all right. Well, I tried, you just reminded me of this bit I wanted to work out and never did, or I was like, but you were talking to me about therapy. Sure. And you were like, you should do therapy. And then you were like, it's great. Like, I finally told my grandma to go fuck herself. Yeah. And I was like, yeah. Why would you do that? Okay. Sounds like the therapy is like hurting. That is shamed in a joke for a little bit, where it's like I tried therapy and then they told me just to fight my dad. Yeah. But the thing is, is you don't realize like, dude, the way you're fucking, it's absolutely true. You're getting a therapy and they're like, hey, go argue with everyone you love. Really? That's really all it was for like the first 10 years, but I was an angry boy. Yeah. But what I used to do is I used to get high and I used to push it down. And then it would come out during video games. That's why I couldn't be a streamer. Yeah. Because I'd be like, oh yeah. That's an assumption. Yeah. But now, maybe. Yeah. Now, maybe. I don't get as angry. I still get pissed. I don't. But you're a real shit talker, too. So I do think you'd probably get yourself in trouble. That's why I pay you all on my shit because I'm like, I'm worried. Yeah. Oh my god, the amount of edits the sport guy has to do. Yeah. I would be talking about something I'd be like, this is our second take of this podcast. Yeah. Because all we did was on the last one, well, the last one we just talked to comedy business. Yeah. Which is like, I laughed and I was like, dude, we can't do that. It's too funny. I need him dressed like the Prince of Blueberries. I love it. I see it retarded. I'm like, let's do it. You gotta show us your impulse. You see a dumb hat on your way out the door, slapping on. But also, my thing about you is what I love about you is you have been to the other side of being a hot dude and you could have, where a lot of society's problems are. It's people get hot and they never let go of that e-phob. Yeah. So they cause problems for everyone else. I didn't let go, Dan. I was car jacked. I was like, when your father ran out. When your father ran out. There's two wolves inside of you. And one is fat as fuck. And the other one is fat one. He's a lot bigger than the other wolf. The other one is in the corner. That one's reasing. One of your wolves is reasing. I mean, the big wolf is job. The hot wolf is just in the fetal position fucking chained up right now. I'm going to round up like five to 10 looks, Macsars. Yeah. And then we're going to scared straight with you. I'm going to let you go fucking hog wild and then you're going to come out eating a chicken parmed. Just the life you want. I'm streaming Resident Evil with a purple hat. And you guys are hurting my feeling. As you guys get out, I'm feeling my feeling. They go, bro, smoke meth. Yeah. Chiseled. They're all putting hammers on their chin. What does they do? It just like, it knocks your face down. It's fake. It's a fake thing. Yeah, it's a fake thing. I think they think you're like, you need to draw muscles on my arm when I was a kid in class and I'd be like, fine, muscles, they look like this then I was just gangly my whole life. Well, the skin absorbs the pain. So they just do it like hitting. Yeah, it's like a fake thing. It's just like an viral, yeah, because that one guy, I think they think it builds up like feeling in your face or like your definition or whatever. Are you worried? Here's the worry about streaming. What if you get so popular on streaming that that's what you're known for and then you try to go do stand up and everyone's like, stream, stream, they're the camera on you or watch something. Yeah, it's like you're doing an esport. You're just live sitting on stage with a desk. They need a monitor in front of your face because that's like, I think that's a silly fear. I don't think I'll ever be much successful at anything. So I don't think it matters. Oh, stop. I don't think it matters. I don't think the difference is like if nowadays it's like podcasters, they go out and do stand up and then they get exposed. It's not being that good. It's stand-ups. People come back. Stand-ups that go out and do stand-up and expose them. Yeah. Hey, let's talk atopical, but they're right, but yeah, you're right. As long as you give them the goods when they show up, like who cares? I think no matter what, people who come see me, they're like, that was a good show, like even if they don't. Yeah, I am. There's still needs to be, you know, the whole part of the morning show thing was to get people to come see you, but like that was also part of the whole comedy club thing. We're now, it's like everybody that goes to see somebody knows somebody. They're like, "Oh, I watched love. I was in an evil." Yeah. Man, I got to, I'm going to start like a wrestling allocator or something. You got to start a stream. You, IRL stream, just like, streaming lost me was when I found out that they filmed themselves sleeping, which is really the 24-hour thing. What is that? I wouldn't want that at all. You know, I fall asleep on this couch. - I watch all the time and wake up so spooked. I'm like, (laughs) I don't want people at home to be like, ah, cut that, cut that and put it all over the internet of me being like, ah, I had a nightmare that the stream got cut. The stream was still on, me on the computer, looking for my eyes all fucking red and shit. - Yeah. - Well, you don't have to do that. You can fucking do it for an hour that have a piece of me to clip it up and shit. - The Twitch almost was the one that got me during COVID, 'cause I understood that. - You streaming mad and brother? - Yeah, I mean, but I would have been a big trouble by now. If I were streaming while I played Ghosts of Tsushima, the amount of dishonorable. (laughs) - You would have been told you'd be doing aridas. - So you're talking about it? - Yeah, you're right, you're talking about it. (laughs) - You guys want to see me do a Japanese voice? - So I'm playing Dark Souls. Next thing I know, but material because-- - You know, me would recommend racial video games for me, they're like, there's ones on the underground railroad and I'm like, guys, I don't think I can do that. - I'm Harriet Tubman. (laughs) - I'm just being streaming his hair and it poked me. - Yeah. - I mean, you already like games, you already like this. - I mean, I really do. You know what, for me, that was my version of streaming was the movie Watch Along, 'cause I like, I do like a hang. And I do think the more internet that happens, people just want buddies to hang out with. - Agreed, yeah. - Once we fight against the robots, once AI turns and we have to like kill them like and bomb data centers and shit, that's when we'll come back to where you're like, oh, I work with a bunch of humans, it's going to chill. We're going to have to go, like your kids or grandkids will, but I do wonder like, here's the thing, you know in movies, when the good guys bomb places. - Yeah. - They always go, like fight club. They go cleaning crew left 30 minutes ago. There's no one in the building. And then you watch the building blow up and you go, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. - Data centers aren't going to have people working at 'em. - Right. You're telling me you're going to put 'em in all these rural areas where dudes love to just play with explosives. And these guys aren't going to, you're not like. - This is a very interesting thing. I think there will be data center attacks. It's going to be like, yeah. - Can I tell you why? And I'm not saying you should, you should not ever be a-- But, you ever lived next to a parking garage? - Yes. - Yeah. - Anyone that's ever lived next to a parking garage will tell you those data centers are going to get blown up. (laughing) Because when you have a car going off, there's no thing you can do about it. - The car alarm. - And when I lived in Tucson, I lived next to a parking garage and I would be very hungover. - Yeah. - Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. - And if you don't turn it off, it just goes. - Yeah. - Some of us just go. I would be like, like do the noise the data centers make? - I just figured it was being like, - Did you hear me? (laughing) - I just wanted to-- - Fuck you. - Ha. - Damn. - What the fuck? - What the fuck? - You're gonna rage when you throw it in a section. - Ha. - The car watching my street. - Oh my god, why are you watching me play man? - Dude, I did. I had a parking garage repo my motorcycle. They snitched on me. So I got real beef with the old parking garage. - Did you park it illegally? - No, I mean, I saw pain for it. - Is that illegal? - Is that illegal? - Wait, you weren't paying the parking garage with the people that owned the motorcycle. - I was paying either of them, damn. It was a-- - You were justifiably reapered. - Well, here was my strategy. I bought a motorcycle for like 12 grand. - 'Cause you were getting hot again. - I was like, this is-- I wasn't getting hot, but I was like, I can probably hide it. Maybe I can hide the fat. - No, on a Harley. - I remember when you showed up at the stand. - Yeah. - And you were, you had breached, and then you were coming back down into the world of hot. - Yeah, yeah. - And I think you thought it was gonna speed run it. - I just wanted a bike, so goddamn bad, and then-- - You were up riding bikes? - No, it was just a total-- I like-- I'm playing trumpet right now. It's like, I just like doing stuff that I've never done, and that feels uncomfortable. - That is a terrible-- - They're gonna repot my trumpet any week now. - Dude. - How much was the trumpet cost? - $125. - Oh, no, I gotta sick use trumpet for like 150 bucks. - And here's my question to you. Can you-- In that hat, makes a lot more sense. - Can you play notes? - Yeah, yeah, I can play some stuff. - Have you played trumpet when you were in middle school? - Never even saw one in real life. - And you used picked up-- Are you musical? - Yeah, musical, dude. - Can't tell if I'm in a hat? - You think they just-- You think you could just buy this hat, brother? - No, no, it looks like you sell umbrellas before rainstorms. But you, you could just play the trumpet. 'Cause if I try to play the trumpet, it's going, "Hah!" - It's hard, it's very hard. - "Hah!" - I could play a few songs, yeah, I do it right over my girlfriend when she sleeps. - That's right. - I'll be doing it when Katie was in the bathroom. They're waiting for it on time. - Yeah, I think her sandwich is rip and crazy ass. - Yes, 'cause I can play guitar, and I got boarded that. - If this is a late night infomercial for selling your CD, now listen to Lev Fer on the trumpet. What songs are going by highlighted? What songs can you play? - It's easy shit. It's like fucking ode to joy and like when the Saints go marching in. - Like classics, like-- - What's the-- - When the Saints go marching, and you could play when the Saints go marching? - Yeah, what's the one that all the Black girls sing? Amazing Grace. - I think everyone's, it's a church song. - It's an exclusively Black song. - Holy Black woman. - My mom ripped amazing Grace one time at a fucking funeral. - Really? - Yeah. - Where I was like, "Damn, my mom used to be able to sing." So I was like, "Okay." - Wow. - "Okay, Hyundai." - She fucking ripped. She didn't do swing-low sweet chariots. - Yeah. - That would have been weird. If church was up there like, "swim, woo." No, my mom's got some soul. She caught the spirit. - Oh, summer ain't gone yet. I know you want it to be hoodie season like I do, but it's still gonna be a couple real scorchers out there. So make sure you wear it in your clothes that don't feel like you're wearing a wool blanket over you. Go get some Mac Weldon air knit fabric. I'm talking about light. It's breathable. It's got that four-way stretch, so it stays exactly in place. 'Cause I'm gonna tell you right now, if you're a dude in your 40s, T-shirt shift on a sweaty day really exposes how much you don't go to the gym. I'm speaking from personal experience, of course, but go to Mac Weldon. Go check out their air knit fabric for the next couple of weeks. You're gonna need some clothes that feel light. We're gonna go through a couple more heat spells. But Mac Weldon started off as underwear, and then they grew into T-shirts and other stuff. So you know that they know how to keep you a light fresh and breezy. Plus Mac Weldon clothes are designed to fit your style and the demands of modern life. So it doesn't look like you're just wearing lounge clothes. You're just out and breathable clothes. Don't sweat the heat this summer. Feel as effortlessly cool as you look with Mac Weldon. Go to Mac Weldon.com and get 20% off your first order of $125 or more with the promo code, Dan, that's so nice. That's M-A-C-K-W-E-L-D-O-N.com code, Dan. - So this was my, with the bike thing, fuck it. I bought this bike, it was like 12 grand. I had 28% interest around there. - On a comics fucking salary. So then I go, I get this parking garage. I get them down to like, I don't know, 125 a month or something for the garage. All of a sudden, I'm like three months deep. I'm like, I'm not even able to pay for this bike. I'm like, this is $350 above that. - You were three months in when you found out that you think more than you could chew. - But I was still like in denial of it. I was like, I'll figure this shit out. - How fun was the bike though? - It was genuinely the most, it was the best thing I ever bought. - Because you're, how old are you? - 29. - Yeah, dude. I'm gonna tell you right now, I'm okay with this. - Dude, because you're gonna, you had a moment where you were 29 riding around on a motorcycle. - I used to, like, I loved it so much that I'd be two in the morning and I'd be riding home. I would just go past my house, show all the way up to fucking Harlem. And I just-- - Tell me the end word and then-- (laughter) - Come out. - Do a couple donuts and fuck it. - Just to run out of gas. - Well that's a wild one. That's why you're wearing the purple hat. - Yeah. - You're in disguise. - This is actually beaten on me. (laughter) - This is a high to giant bruise. You can tell I'm a giant bruise. - You can't beat me. - You can't beat me. - You can't beat me. - I'm not on my head. So you would just, yeah, I mean-- - And the whole time I'd be riding around and I'd be thinking there's, like, maybe if I'm unhappy with my career or no matter how much of a loser I feel like, no one's having more fun than me right now. - That's awesome. - I don't care how rich you are, the most famous comic of the planet, I'm having more fun than you right now. - That is, that's a condomless sex activity. - Yes. - Where you just go, it might be dangerous. And I might be in trouble for this tomorrow. - I had a guy hit me on the west side highway and it was amazingly, I'm driving. It's like, fuck it. - Were you in between the lanes? - No, no, no. - Do you think I'd be, I wouldn't fit in between the lanes. - Yes, whether you just say, "Oh, I'm off to the stop." (laughter) - It's just burn out happening to you. It's like, "Oh, you know the wheels." It's going all fucking walkie. You know, the other side here, you can just smoke coming off of it. - You look like those twins on the tiny bike, which is one's gone. That's so fucking, so you're on the west side highway. - I'm on the west side highway, I'm riding. And all of a sudden, I just look at this. It's like, Dominican dude and a minivan. And he's just getting real close. Like, just merging right into my lane. - Are you on the right side lane? - I was right in the middle of my lane. - Okay. - And he's just fucking merged and slowly. I'm like, is this asshole? Like, we're like next to each other. And all of a sudden, he hits me and I'm just going, "Please God, stay up." And my fucking pedal's hooked into his bumper. And I'm like, "Just stay up as we slow down. "Please God, we're on the highway." And we finally get to a stop. His bumper comes flying off. I'm upright, I'm okay. He went into my fucking knee and I remembered. I go, he stops, he goes, "Oh, no problem, no problem." - Oh yeah. - No English. So, and I'm like, I just remembered, my insurance expired that day. So, I'm like, "Yeah, no problem, no problem." Let's get the fuck out of here. - I'm like, "Yeah, bye." - I was gonna wait for you to tell me that. Well, there's no problem. There's no problem. You're never gonna see me again. I was like, "No, I'm like this, but it's fucking yeah I saw that is the person you want to get an accident with. Yes, I saw some crazy shit on the West Side Highway one time We were in traffic driving up the Boston and we were like in gridlock and these these cars were doing you know fight Driving we could see like go like driving up and then fighting. Yeah And then this dude it was like they're having an argument with their cars. Yeah, yeah, they're like chipping at each other with their cars They're just like churping and fucking yelling Yeah, yeah, and then this dude fucking pulls to the exit ramp and gets out and he has something in his hand And he just to the other guy he was arguing with had like a Jeep Grand Cherokee and he fucking breaks out the dudes back Wind like like so quick that it was clear that whatever he had he had done it before right? Right, because he just went boom and it went like that and then dude got in his car and peeled off and Katie Yeah, I was like that guy rules yeah, that guy was like that's like oh, yeah, I got you then turn this car on the exit ramp and I was like Crazy that's like a that's really accepting a loss. You're like all right You might have beepy by the fucker, but at least my back window works. Yeah, now you have good luck putting tape on it Yeah, you got to put fucking packing tape around your back window and that's the inconvenience. That's winning the fight. Yeah, it's it's it's how is true That's how much they're inconvenience you you're you're silently driving. You see the wind whipping in the back or papers go up and you get frustrated Bitch that's when that guy says the end work the guy that did it was black. Yeah, that's when that guy I said black. I'd breaks your back window. You're you're allowed one. I don't know Well, then he's gonna break more than that window. Well, I'm working on a bit right now that like Stop workshop in your bits here. I brought up the first one. Well, no, it's your second one. I never did that bit because you go You go the therapy one you're gonna bust out your notebook and be like, all right, what else when now I'm not I thought this was podcasting you guys work on jokes That looks like that looks like you got called that I like Mike, but it's podcast like the way we film it looks like we're in a bright It looks like we're in a break room. Yeah, like with a bookcase for of a retarded child His is like so nice that I feel like if I was a guest, I'd be like what is this is yours? Right, right, right I was wondering that with podcast studios. I go do you own that because people yeah, what did a white lady intern put in here versus what did you care about? What did you do? Yeah, this is all my stuff that like fans give me so I go yeah, and then when people make fun of it You go I was pretty cool people gave me that shit. Yeah, yeah, I don't know. It's like the Calvin and Hobbs Yeah, that Calvin and Hobbs was I mean, I bought that cast figures and I got a the complete far side were you too young for the far side? What is that the single panel jokes Gary Larson? I think you'd know if you saw the anime. I don't think I've seen that It's interesting because comics used to be popular I think like you're the age where no one gave a shit about like newspaper comics Yeah, but when you used to watch like in the paper there were like good ones and far side from Gary Larson was like he would do one panel Jokes so he's almost like a one-liner of put the whole book would be like See what I mean, it's like two monkeys in a tree Yeah, one of them is going through the hair and he's like oh well Oh conducting a little thing with that bimbo. Yeah, that's fun. Make a fun of him fucking Jane Goodall And what's cool is that they are like single art pieces. It's what I mean It's a single so the thing that I always wanted to do is this is by year and date I wanted to find some of my friends birthdays and make them t-shirts with the Gary Larson Far side of the day. They were born. Yeah, is that because he did it from 80 to 94 that is cool Yeah, it's but you read that and you go damn dude That's so much harder than joke writing because joke writing you're like and you can explain with words He was like I got one panel right there and premise set up and punch And now AI will be like I'll do an a style of Gary Larson But it's still it's not never the joke. Hey, I can't do the jokes. It's not creative. Yeah, it's taken from other thing Right, you're gonna have to deal with I mean streaming might be next, but after that it's gonna be a podcast with an AI co-host Oh my god here with Mahatma Gandhi AI Mahatma Gandhi. Yeah, get away from that shot The hologram Gandhi still stinks Green smoke in there that would be fun though to do the next round of podcasting is with AI historical figures Yeah, did you watch the George Washington yeah, right? It was it was it was either Tucker Carlson or it was The other the other guy from Fox News. Fuck who was it was oh was it um the guy who It wasn't a bill Right it was another guy like that I think it's the guy. It's it's not like it's the guy that's still at Fox News But also like you just project what you like I think of Shane's bid on that Glenn Beck back interviewed God damn it's not a Fox News. I was wrong But I picture like what would those guys actually be like and I think of Shane's bit He's like toothless guy screaming like six foot retarded guy with red hair. Yeah with horse teeth in his mouth But they said somebody to be Washington was gay They always do that. They do that to Lincoln. Yeah, they do that to everybody They just get a closet game and do that so they feel better about being gay themselves You know who else was gay was Ganges Kong and you're like no, I don't think so. I think you Yeah, well they're testing it out of Thanksgiving. Yeah, I think you know who else was gay was um Who do you like Benjamin Franklin and they go notorious pussy hound. Yeah, Benjamin Franklin was such a pussy hound that when you go back and read about him Is an adult you're like oh they can't teach you about they should you bend Franklin after dark. Yeah You just go to like he got motherfucker was so dark. He had an event light playing We're gonna edit and we'll be right back with that. That's purple hot love. It will be right back You know the voice guy saw me I get to do black voice I love black guy voice, but that's not been that but that's not been Franklin black and you know that that's too modern Okay, fair enough. I was gonna do a slave voice I was gonna hit you with the real That is that thing about Ben Franklin you find that out and you're like well, that makes him way cooler that he was just out there fucking Yeah, I love hearing that people are pieces of shit. It's humanizing. I mean like I was 25 minutes late to this You know, I mean I can't do a pot at one. It's too early for me and one of those days I dropped the toilet paper roll into the toilet It was everything I just can't do an early thing. It's like I woke up on time God. There's no morning radio You would have fucking pissed off so many local. Yeah, I don't I tell them I can't do it There's like only if I like really love a club if they got like if the GM's the man or something then I'll be like all right We can do it, buddy. This is this is I didn't get into this to wake up in an AM hour Fuck did it. It's not point of it. You have to eat here's the thing. You have to keep eating a little bit of shit Oh, I thought you're gonna say that you just have to get getting better So you can't fit into radio Take all you want live on your show? Do you have a flat bed drunk? Can you get a flat bed by tomorrow? All right All right, if W and RC can get a fucking flat bed out front if you guys can get a forklift in front of the building You're streaming, but it's a helmet with a camera on we got they're gonna lift me They're gonna lift me in but I'm saying you This is what I'm just gonna say you gonna. I'm just picture. They keep thinking your ways like maybe we could slingshot him over Can we fly him in like Dumbo drop? You're gonna have to do shit. You don't want to do that's part of life. I don't know, man I could tell you a lot of things Everybody life does that I don't do Here's the charming part of Let's fuck all that man lamb is gonna be calling me going hey Can you guys do a benefit? It turns out the IRS listen to a couple podcasts. Oh fuck up, dude Fuck it if they can't take a joke. That's what I said I can't wait to go to your trial So will you please remove the purple hat in the courtroom? Oh This purple hand in hand and that's what you do after you make a point It's a soldier not now close your eyes Now what if I told you that little boy was what I played the trumpet Horribly I go you think this is the Saints go marching in Your neighbors have to hate you. Oh, yeah, I do in the hallway. Do you really? Where do you play it in your apartment? Yeah, but I gotta mute a silencer. Oh on it. Yeah, so if you're in the room with you, it's just you going Let's be trying to shit this morning Oh, she should play it. That's yeah, I was actually thinking of this. Should I get my practice at while I'm shooting because Honestly, can I tell you a fear of mine is a hypochondraque you blow your o-ring That your asshole you'd have a uh You'd have a red song read so I can You have a pro what it's a call Like the asshole you should just drop out and look at the fucking jar of grape jam You're like oh, I need your help But you go I got there I saw this is what took miles Davis all those years. Yeah Here's a hypothetical for you fellas. Yeah, would you this is I don't mean to get philosophical Would you rather eat my ass for 30 seconds or suck my dig for five minutes? What kind of kidnap in situations because I'll tell you the third option is kill everyone Got your head eat butt really for the third another butt. Yeah, pretend it's just a fat girl's ass No, I see your curves. I'm a fat. I have no ass curves. You would just who just look like an Indian guys armpit I'm hoping for that bad. I'm hoping to poison my blood. It's sucking your dick. He's something that like why why would ruin me? If I caught a groove And like you're the trumpet I would be like oh shit. Oh shit. I'm good at this You know what I mean and that's that would be the problem But you're like I don't want to do this I have five minutes is so long, but it's a funny amount of time I feel like you can be funny now. There's you send a little look up. Yeah, I'll be going like I dress up new stuff at one point. I just try to put my finger in your people. Yeah, but I mean That's a what if of I just I'm not even Yeah, yes, yes, I would that's crazy. I'm not I Have to walk around you know why cuz I would be on a flight No, they just be like I'm often gas is covered in shit. You're like, I'm sorry. I suck lips dick Well, it's just dropping in my hand. I go a Couple of licks. I went right to suck in his pecker. I Just be on a flight looking out the window and they'd be like We've been told we're clear for take off and I go It just takes me that way where I go Watered I do that. I'm getting caught having a conversation by the guy in the row with me He's like he's got talking. Oh, my god, you know that a lot of morning gift of him going That's me going. Oh, I hate loves butt, but I make sure you don't get sick as dick The grass with the ass is always clear because you see I feel like also sucking dick if I got really good I just think you're like the lady of blue jasmine where you're like having this conversation not know what you're like in the middle of the aisle Oh, yes, we're getting going. Well, of course I can fucking suck his dick She's just picking up Yeah, I would all those people are just guys who I asked this question to I'll tell you I know the guy in 25th cuz I've walked by and heard him talking about it When you went out to the garage. Did you have like an alarm on it on your motorcycle? Oh, I love like something and how did you find out it was repot because he was my strategy I was like I can no longer pay the bank But and and they keep calling me up like threatening me like we're gonna find that bike I go yeah good luck asshole. Oh, yeah, they'd be like we are gonna find it You got to either pay us today or your fuck when you see that number coming through yeah, and you know It's the bank. Yeah, and you know why they're calling right why do you pick up for fun? I got like what are you doing? Money but I'm also curious maybe I pick up it today's the day that is they decide they're forgiving these loans go Hey, love we're kind of tough on you back there Pretty cool that you just drive around at night. Was this for a motorcycle? Well, let it slide I go look we can talk about the bike, but first I've got a hypothetical Would you rather pay an interest rate of a thousand dollars a month for the next 15 years or suck my You know I'll suck you dick for five minutes. Yeah Now if you are Good at sucking dick you have to be great at hypotheticals. Oh They're all sucky dick and you go don't answer that quick Yeah, I think I'll make you come won't even last five minutes you go Well now I don't want to do any more hypotheticals with you Now that you have made your choice I should warn you that nothing makes me come faster than getting my ass eaten guess what? I'm gonna be pushing that I'm gonna be pushing that Play-Doh through But when the bank calls you and you pick up are you are you doing like a charming catch me if you can way where you go You know who I am you know what I have come find me now do they know about the motorcycle? Yeah, that that's what they were called. They were trying to figure out but my strategy. I was like Okay, I owe the bank money, but but I also owe the garage money. How much did you owe the garage? Probably like 600 bucks is something like that so I'm like, but so the garage won't tell them where the bike is because that's their leverage. They need You know what I mean? You're good at being a shithead. Yes So it's actually a really good thought of like oh, yeah, you can't lose the golden goose if they lose the bike Then they're gonna get nothing don't walk by your garage and go suck my dick. Yeah, so or eat my ass Which only want five minutes or 30 seconds? Well, this is my strategy every time they call that they start snapping and unwinding and I'm like, all right I bought myself some time funny Listen man, I don't even fucking own this bank at least you get this fucking money and you're like make a choice So how did they get it? So this is I found out that these cock suckers teamed up They they were in kahoot's they got they got together. They made a deal They took repo they gave them the address they came picked up the bike They sold it at auction and then the garage got paid first So they got a little snitch fee for for letting you know where the goods were and that how much do you think it sold at auction for? $42 probably they've at auctions. They sell for nothing. So go to an auction get my bike Yeah, what do you do it? It's the one with the stain seat Sorry, I got my ass sucked that day. I was driving around That's that's all the exploded wheels. That's residual come on it Just go buy it a fucking. Well next time if if I ever get my hands on like four grand I'll just go fucking you know get you buy one used that's like your spending habits tell me you're never gonna get your hand No, ever yeah, you are you're a guy where you're like you're gonna be that was a thousand dollars I bought it a Paris fashion week I flew over there for this hat You will be a guy that will be a very interesting old man if you make it I will be dude if I ever get rich there will be no one more fun than me. I mean I'm getting Gucci sweatsuits for everyone. I know. Oh, yeah I'm fucking they'll blow it all I just come over to your house in a g-wag and be like get in dickhead We're going to kill Tony There's a guy that I were driving there Four-day drive there was a guy that I knew who's dad won a million dollar scratch off and blew it Yeah, blue right to it a lot of a lot of lottery owners do that They just are a lot of lottery winners. They like winning and they fucking oh, yeah Because if you never had money, you don't know how to keep money. Yeah, it's also you think you think you think you can buy stuff And it's just gonna stay there But also if you win the lottery and then you like you save it responsibly like edit this out you're a Like that's it like leave it, but let me tell you yeah, just believe it But like that's the point if you do it responsibly. What's the fun in the lottery? I'm a fan too And there's nothing wrong with fiscal response. I never thought I know you see the Edward stands for what's that? I never thought I know you say the Edward I'm like I'm the I'm a real And you go whoa with it. He are I feel self-hating my god my sweet I'll just fly him today if it's it stands for Financial accountability Great And that's what smells our finance players But let's get into the business. I had one time. I was doing a show and there's a guy with a guitar Like on stage like playing people on and I was like it's like a cool show in Brooklyn And I was like oh dude, if I call it some chords, can you play them? And he was like yeah, I was like alright give me an F And he plays and the car goes ooh, and then I go give me an A and then he plays it and the car goes ah I was like hit me with the G And I go to what does that spell and then they went ah Even the guitar has got upset On the neck They there used to be a comic on last comic standing that got like this was like That was how you got you know the Kevin Hart funny AF thing broke people, but like Last comic standing off the first episode you'd get bookings. Oh if you were like a segment They did and they did this segment on this New York comic that stunk and she had a guitar and she got like Pretty big on the show. Yeah, she was at Eastville back when it was in the East Village and I was emceeing and they were like Hey, you got to bring up her guitar And I went no, I'm not a rowdy. Yeah, that's what I was also still drinking and the anger was very much alive inside of me And I went I'm not a rowdy and the owner was like now you got to bring her guitar right right and I was like no And I was like why does she bring it up and they go cuz then the audience expects her to play it and I go is she gonna play it and they went Yeah, great. Yeah, she had to bring it up and I was the first time in my life. I stuck up for it But man oh man right before I went I was like I should grab the guitar. Yeah, yeah, cuz you don't want to get mad but you seem like the kind of person that would get the class in trouble. - Oh, I would find there. - Just to prove a point, you would be like, why? - Yeah. - Was that you? - Oh, 100%. I had one time a WME booked me for this shitty show at Soho House. And this is a funny one. But they were bringing up Emma Wilman was going first. I was going up after Emma and the girl running the show. She's like, she's like, okay, so we're just gonna start, you just go up and start the show to Emma and I go, well, you should bring, you should announce, there's a show and bring her on. And she goes, yeah, I think we're just gonna start and I go, well, she's a professional comedian. So you should like go say, hey guys, things are coming to the show. Are you ready for your first comic? And then she's like, ow. And then for sure enough, that five minutes later, after I hear some bickering, they're bringing her up. I'm like, but they'll hate me forever. But I did the right thing. - Yeah, but also, yeah, 'cause that is something that I wish I had more of. 'Cause when I was coming up, I'd be like, yeah, you're right, just bring me right up. And then I'm just bombing for about 30 minutes and I'm like, why didn't anyone introduce me? I look crazy. One of the first one-nighters I did was in, at this casino in Tucson, and it was a sports bar, and they were playing Monday Night Football, but they had a stage in the sports bar, but it was really high up. And the game ended and the guy went around and turned off all the TV and he went, all right, comedy. And then I went on this stage and I told the booker I could do 30, I only had seven. So I just bombed for like 25 minutes, and the guy I was opening for Ben Creed, it was like a seasoned vet. I brought him up thinking, all right, ladies and gentlemen, you have that or Ben Creed? And I looked to the sides or whatever, and he's standing there and he goes, give me the mic. And I hand it to him and he goes, why the fuck is this guy on stage? It's a sports bar. And immediately the whole crowd laughed and I was like, - And you asked for the media. - Oh, shit. And I looked dayer than I was, I was already bombing and I looked worse, and I was on stage being like, you guys ever noticed? - Not only is that bearing someone alive, that's like banging him on the head with the shovel after. - Yeah, dude. - Give me the mic, hand it it down and he's like, what did I say? I do it. Like, shit, shit, I should have, 'cause I wouldn't have the idea of like, no, we'll be eye to eye, this is a sports bar. They just want me to talk to them. - Speaking of the guitar thing, there was one time, there was a fat comic in a wheelchair. - Fun. - And the problem was, there was like a ledge on stage to get up on stage that was about this, a dick's length. I mean, four inches. And so they're like, they told me, you're gonna have to help lift her, her wheelchair onto the stage. So literally mean Aaron Berg. - Shot out. - Of being like, all right, I guess let's be nice. And also like, if you're gonna be in the wheelchair, being fat is crazy, but so we hoist her. And like, I could feel this. - But it also makes sense, 'cause how do you get him around? - Yeah, but like, if people are gonna have to lift you, if you're gonna, if I'm gonna have to dead lift you on the fucking Tuesday night. - Sure. - And like, I'm hoping lift, like I feel the spokes of the chair ripping through my finger netting. And we finally get her up and then she fucking bombed. Like, how does she get off? - We had to go back up and get her. - No, you should be able to fucking jump. (laughing) - I'm sorry, but if you're, you know what I mean? - But if I hoist it and then you bombed. - That's crazy. - That's crazy. - But also she's in a wheelchair, she can't go in. - If I hoist you on a stage, you better fucking do all right. - But also at the same time though, you better hope you're not in that position where you're bombing your wheelchair 'cause then you're like, fuck you guys. (laughing) I'm just trying to get out of there. There used to, at the open mic I used to do a Tucson. Brian, shut out, Brian, he died while I was doing open mics there, but he was in a wheelchair. And we would have to lift him on stage, but he would get himself off. Here go, move, move, move. It was on the side and he'd go. - That's a closer. - That's a closer. - So boo, it was sick. His closer was he would do Christopher Eve and he'd put the mic, it wasn't a good closer. But his real closer was jumping off that stage, which I didn't enjoy. - He thinks this is his closer. - He doesn't have the accent, the accent is closer. Dad just have to suck that. To be in a wheelchair and just be bombing and being like, anyways, you know, you nervously walk him around. He was like rolling around. I just turn myself around and give me the fuck out of here. People being on stage and not being able to leave and bomb is a nightmare. - It's like being trapped. - That is funny. Like you were stuck parked in a spot. - He was like, fuck. - So you could just get up and walk. - Yeah. - We were driving to New Jersey last Friday and we were in traffic and I couldn't move. And this guy was like, I thought he was going to ram our car. His dude was just like driving and he was just laying on the horn. - Oh, I hate that. - He can't go anywhere. - He literally boxed in and I was like, I can't go anywhere. So then I just started waving at him. And he just started hawking. I was like, yeah, I can't go anywhere. I don't really want me to do. - It's the black guy from earlier with the tire out. - Oh, dude. Pretty close. He was flipping me off. And then when I let him go ahead, he stopped and his wife rolled down the window through a water bottle at me. I go, she hit the car, but I said, you missed. Cunt. (laughing) - Nice. - No, I wanted to follow them and kill them. - No, I'm not angry. - She's like, well, I'm not angry anymore. Not 100 of them down, like the dogs that they were. (laughing) I, you know what it was, was getting old and losing your shit to a video game. There's a moment where you catch yourself and you're like, I have gray temples. - Yeah. - I can't be fucking punching, 'cause that was it. There was the last time I punched one of these tables and she heard me in the other room. - It's brutal. - What was that? Now what? (laughing) - I punched a table. I mean, there was like the two minutes of silence and moving, like, I'm gonna lie about this. I'm probably gonna lie about this. - Quick. (laughing) - Quick, what happened? What could fall? - That's what I said. I was like, I probably looked around and be like, did the dog, could the dog do it? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And then I just went, like, something fell. She's like, what fell? You're like, my fist through the table. (laughing) You know what it was? Before I told her, I brought up Ikea and went to go order another table. - Yeah. - Your table's already coming, right? - That's exactly what I did, that's exactly what I did. - Well, that's the problem, dad. The problem's at the table. - It's almost 100% like you listen to it. (laughing) 'Cause I went, I like, waited, I went. Ah, I got mad. - Order. - And then I went on, I got mad and I punched a table. But I reordered it and she was like. - She fell on. - If you had a sweet hat like this, your wife would not be good enough. - Sure to go. - When she gets those pants off. (laughing) - The hat stays on. - Let's break another table, dad. - You do? (laughing) - You put it in the fun way and then she sings you, you can leave your hat on by Randy Newman. - You can leave. - You know what I'm talking about. - No, I don't. - Oh, that's a real song. - That's what it goes. - It's funny to know you're gonna try to fuck your girl tonight to this Randy Newman song. - I can leave my head on. - She left years ago. - Oh, no, she did. - No, no, but one of the last times I broke our door in the last, oh, we're trying to fit through it? Fuck you. - That damn your ghosts are better than we are. (laughing) - So, please score our whole song with this. - The whole episode. - You can leave your hat on, but what did you do? - So what happened was we were doing a fucking morning podcast of my living room, we're doing Cockfile. - And you know, left don't podcast in the morning. - Play it, I don't like that shit. (laughing) - Playboy don't fuck with that shit. And then now every bad thing that happens to you, I cheer it on. - So, I'm like, God damn it, I went to bed at 7 a.m. I have to wake up at 10. So now, and like, column and fucking. - You hold the whole minor. - Yeah, how did you, it's hard work? So, then I'm like, already like, so sleep fucked, you know? And then my girlfriend texts me, and like, I'm trying to get ready, and my girlfriend texts me, oh my God. So, you immediately go, oh fuck, something happened. She got in a car accident on the way to work. Something's going on. And I go, what? And then she sends me a picture of a cat. And I literally just then just put my face right through the door because it was like, I fucking hate the, yo. Hey, oh my God. And then. - I hate one word texts. Mother fucker, what are you doing? - It better be something. - So I understand, but man, it's crazy that you saw a cat and immediately buried your fist in the dog. - It was just everything. It was too much of that. I think my butt got that weak. It was just like. - And you lost your baby, your girl's making you scared about gorgeous pictures of cats. - I don't know, I just, I don't function well. Literally, like this week, I'm like, the fact that I have to wake up two days semi early, which is like hours later after everybody else wakes up, I'm like, I want to end my life. - Have you ever worked in manual labor? - Yeah, yeah. Well, I did, I mean, I don't know if it's called manual labor, but I was like a server for years. - Yeah. - Yeah, but. - Do you ever work on like a work crew? Or like, do you remember you had to be there at like 7 a.m.? - No, fuck not. I wouldn't be able to do it. - Here's my question, do you want to make TV shows? - Movies? - Eventually. - Do you like to do that? Do you not early have to wake up for this shit? - I don't know if I'd fucking wait till I see my idea. - What, you see my idea, 1 p.m.? - I see my big idea, damn. It's a movie that only takes place on that. - No, it's a night movie, guess what? Then you're gonna have to fucking be up. And it's still gonna suck. Waking up early sucks, but like. - Yeah, no one will ever let me make a movie. It's like so besides the point, like, I'd rather live conveniently into this. - You know what, though I get that. I don't know if conveniently then fucking make stuff. - On the hope that someone lets me make a movie, fuck up. - Oh, but, this is what I'm saying, man. It's like you gotta eat shit a little bit. You gotta wake up early to go to this shit. - You're gonna be shit once we get this bad. (laughing) - 30 seconds. - Tell you what I won't be doing. (laughing) - Tell you what I won't be doing a blowin' old love on that hat on Munchin' Butt. (laughing) - Imagine that this would be the worst thing ever as long as you're gonna go ass me in this hat. Jack Bigel's-- an angry management. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I'm checking time. What are we at? 29, dad. Pips cornering me. You're almost there, buddy. He's stuck. He's quick, but you get you could paint him. Dance. Smush the cheeks. Smush the cheeks and block out all the noise. You're got to get low on him, dude. He leveraged suckers ass. You suckers ass. You're a vacuum. You're a vacuum. The audience, Eddie Atlas is like slapping you. Do you want to be a champion? I'm not there. You're rinsing my mouth out and then a mouthpiece. So I don't nick your fucking hole with my teeth. One more round. I'm so glad to ask you because we're going to ask this on my pod this weekend. I didn't hear no bell. I didn't taste those alcohol, bro. I got a clean. I got a clean. I think I think my asshole with the cleanliness of it would surprise you. Yeah, because every day I wipe it with a new guy's dick. Hey, actually kind of like going out. I'm not going to lie. That might be the perfect fucking. That might be the perfect. I will say, dude, the reason I try to give you since you're our most featured. The reason I try to give you gas advice like that is because you're fucking hilarious. Go watch patchwork, which, you know, I did call a CCTV special. So funny, but you will the next one. How good is it looking now? Looks pretty fucking good. Pretty fucking good. Stream is special. Lev, for go listen to cock fight. A lot of dates. Lev for comedy.com. Cock fight podcast. Banned from YouTube for being too fucking real. Watch out. I fucking love all those guys. Call them interesting fucking rule. Yeah, I heard Drew Dunn might be returning. I just want any day in a podcast. That was a great app. Yeah, you ruled it. That was fun. That's