2: HopelessAddictDruggicel

Shit yeah, that's a good idea. I've got a fucking throus of that Adren. I can't fucking do anymore. I need another one. So I'll drink what I've talking to you. I'm just gonna lie up a cigarette. Okay go ahead. You said you drink and take heroin. Both? Yeah, it's not supposedly really really dangerous sports. Never do me any issues of it. So I've got nothing to lose. Why do you feel that you have nothing to lose? Nileism. I saw they call it since it was about 25. Three years, okay. And you're 28. So? Yes. Sorry. It's alright. I just wanted to point out that it is very common for addicts to feel that way. I and these were smirking together. Fuck it. That's a good point. Yeah, it's true. I smoke cigarettes. It's not very popular anymore, but fuck it as you say. From crawlspace media, I'm Nama Kates, and this is Insel. Before we get into the mysterious leaders of the Insel Forum and the rest of my investigation, and before properly introducing frothy, I'm going to introduce you all to frail pale stale male. Because after the events of this last week, we should all talk a bit about trauma. I found frail on Twitter after having already made a couple inroads into the community. I believe he was following frothy, and his account came up as a suggestion. His Twitter bio-read, hopeless addict drug e-cell, location UK. When I messaged him with what by then had become my usual opener, he responded straight away. I think I've got a few basics down on this process. As it turns out, frail had been contacted by the producers of a documentary that aired on BBC3 exactly one week before the official release of my own shows trailer. It would be the first of many times I found myself bumping into them. Only a couple lines of his audio made it into the final cut that I saw. And the documentary, well, we'll get to that too. Frail agreed to chat over discord, a platform I'd never used as soon as he sobered up. I scrambled to install it, set it up, and figure out how to record on it in under an hour. The app is really cool, by the way, if anyone's curious. After we recorded, and nearly midnight my time, I listened back to the audio and realized the sound quality was awful. But Frail had my back. He'd made his own recording, had also listened back. And he asked me if we could start over, so he could more properly address trauma. And lucky for me, his audio capture is pristine. I agreed to distort it, though, slightly, for privacy reasons. And then we started over. Just three were cool as I last fucking thing that you're on about. You're on about trauma. Could you elaborate on that for me? Yes. Because I'm sure that I need to go ahead. I want to really properly address that, because I listened to it back and it was shit. So. Well, yeah, I mean, it's also possibly a unfamiliar terminology. Basically, trauma is usually emotional pain that happens throughout people's lifetimes. And it's sort of in psychology, the things that we were discussing, like issues, things that are real issues, and things that are non-issues. And the way that you were describing the real issues versus the non-issues is the same way that in psychology, we describe, like, capital T trauma versus small T trauma. There's like a checklist actually. It's called the act list of things that happen to a person that kind of qualifies extreme trauma. Use two times that something trauma and capital T trauma or something? Yeah, capital T trauma and small T trauma. Just elaborate on those a bit, because I've probably heard them before, but fuck knows if I'll ever fucking remember them. Yeah. Basically, the things that would qualify as capital T trauma would. The terms we're discussing here might be considered buzzwords, I guess, just jargon. But the basic difference is like that between an acute or a chronic condition. The condition that results from unresolved trauma, PTSD, often occurs as the result of exposure to these kinds of events. I think we've got it now. So, tell me, capital T trauma is something that's psychologically enough fuck you up regardless. And you've really not got a choice in that, like, being on veterans or whatever kind of veterans. And they used to talk about them if they heard a car backfire. If everybody doors makes them a bit off, if he. Exactly. I get that to a degree. I don't think I've got that kind of thing. Well, but that's not the only thing that causes it. What would you call that small? Small T trauma would be something that happened later in life, maybe after the age of 18, like even a very abusive relationship. If something was ongoing, even bullying could be small T trauma if it was ongoing. Even the loss of a job, and certainly substance use, drug use. Yeah. From the small T-moving, I'm guessing it's repressed until later age from what you're saying. Maybe. Yeah, basically. Yeah. Okay. So, um, high T is going to stick with you. Small T is something that will catch up with you eventually. Uh-huh. Okay. Right. Okay. I understand that now. Um, in terms of insult and kind of trauma, you're asking me. Yeah. I guess that depends on the person. It goes through all of your life and you always reminded of it. Some people deal with it better than others though, so people really doesn't affect you badly. Right. The thing is, a lot of people in the situation, they're very sociable, they work very good jobs. They have a good life apart from the fact that they've got nothing social, literally. But beyond closed doors, it does fucking affect them. And it's very big issue for some people. Um, I don't think I can relate to them. So, I'm not really working in a brilliant job, but still fucking hurt. You are in a brilliant job. Mm-hmm. I'm smoking at them, so if I take pause, now, I'm not in one of those brilliant jobs. As I said before, I am always have been officially unemployed. Right. But that's what the papers would say. The fucking tax on them. Do you think that there's any connection with the drug use and the drink and the in-sell dumb? If that's a cope for you. Of course, that's exactly what it is. But the thing is, that's not something that's exclusive to in-todd them. That, like, you can find a lot of non-soles that fucking smut themselves out and live on the bridges, or even better than that. That fucking even rich fucking celebrities get fucked up about the face. There are 20 million people in this country with that problem. Yeah. There's a lot of people in South America that they use to stroke them. There's a lot of people at home. And there's a lot of people that would, what we call is high inhibition. It would be to, I guess, afraid to use drugs. If they were to use drugs, it would just freak them out. The very idea of it. So it is still a very split spectrum. It's not like we're a complete collective. There's a lot of different people here. Yeah. I've definitely seen more so far that don't use drugs, don't even drink or anything. I guess the inhibition makes them afraid to try it. Well, I say, I don't like to encourage such hard drugs, because I know for most people it will fuck them up. And I know that for a fact, you've had to be able to continue and maintain hard drug use. You've really got to be in that certain place. And, well, I guess just be able to fucking manage it. Soft drugs like cannabis. That's not really an issue, but that still freaks some people out. Alcohol is good for some people. I guess it's more just finding you best way of going through it. It depends on the person as well. There's a lot of people in the community that probably wouldn't even try anything. Just the idea of it, unless it was prescribed. probably freak mine. It is a shame because it's a shame. It's a shame in the fact that every day they've got nothing else really to do, nothing to look forward to. In my opinion, at least, if they were able to do something soft, just say, smack a joint, which they couldn't do. Some of them couldn't do. I know that. It's just a shame that they can't do that because I wish they could because it would show them out and it would give them a reason to just at least have something to look forward to at the end of the day. But even the people that do, well, I've already explained all the fucking shit I take. I don't even fucking look forward to it anymore. I do it every day. Yeah. They're so fucking boring. It works very well. I don't even have a choice anymore. If I were to quit alcohol and heroin called turkey, I would don't shock and I would die and feel like, I'm just being through it. So fucking, well, you know, fuck me. I'm going to go and off top being an out of some fucking stupidly drunk, but I'll start trying to stay on topic. But the fact is, what I'm trying to make the point out is, if you really don't have anyone else or anyone or any support or anything else, you should at least have something there to just take your job. You know, if life really is worth living then, as everybody else likes to say, then if you've got something that can take your job for you and make it worth living, something to look forward to at the end of the day or to at least keep you alive, I don't think that's a bad thing, but most people would and yet, trauma is a bitch. It is, and I was wondering if you would elaborate a bit more about yours. Fuck me, I'm going to have to go beat down here and I already want to fuck. Well, you don't have to. Trauma's a bad memories are not really something that you can easily talk about. I mean, there's not even just the memories or whatever triggers it or whatever if fucking is that cause it. Sometimes you don't even know what is causing it. Usually you don't know what's called. It's not a very nice route to go down, but things with trauma, whether it's like what you said earlier, people small, it's trauma nonetheless. And it. Yeah. Fucking eventually over time, especially with, I guess, small, something that's grown over so many years, my thing is that I dwell on it every day, all day. And if I don't fucking get absolutely fucking off my face, then that's all I'll do. I'll just think about it my past, all the past, all the stupid little fucking things, the little details. And I don't know how people say, "Oh yeah, I do the same book." Have you had 28 years of doing that? Have you have 28 years of past fucking going in and out of homes, fucking being told so many stupid little, explicit or implicit, "Platte do fucking how I don't know what fuck me man." Oh fucking, I'll give me a minute. Jesus. It's really getting to the fucking head here cause I'm trying to remember it all, it's just fucking killing me, coming it back. There's a strange phenomenon with people that when we experience those things, we do think about them and dwell on them and we even reenact them and make them happen over and over again in our actual lives. And none of that is good, but talking about it for some reason is talking about it helps. See I love that. It's true. I do love it because people always say to me, "Well people say that everyone talking about it helps. I have probably never, never had an experience where talking about it helps if anything that made it worse." It's not like it helps right away. It's not like talking about it helps once immediately and it goes away, but talking about it over time allows you to sort it out so that it doesn't. I guess it depends who you're talking to though. If you're talking to people that want to listen to you to help you, there's the difference. Because otherwise you could be talking to people that want to hear about it just the fucking slate you and that's usually what happens when people don't give a fuck about you. They want to know about your fucking traumas just the use against you and fucking Jesus Christ man. Trauma's a bit of bitch. It's the biggest. My best approach to trauma is lock it down, get highs, fault and don't fucking remember any of it and that's what I do every single day and that's what I've done for fucking quite a few years now because there's no fucking reason to do anything else. It might be possible. Christ Jesus fuck. Seven remember all this shit now. Fucking hell. If it's very painful and uncomfortable right now and you want to switch the topic then I don't want to you know, react to it. Fuck it. Fuck it. He's crap and anyway. I'll just stop another drink. At least here in this format you're relatively anonymous. I don't see you. No, no, no, if you had a hidden camera in my fucking room, fucking hell. Oh yeah. Well, I don't. You have one, two, three fucking indoors to get through. The fact that I didn't hear them you'd have to be lucky for that. I can't see what I've done it by magic. Fuck magic. I wish. Now carry on though what you were saying. I'll try and address it. Okay, so I'm trying not to fucking run blown as much of the last time because I did fucking ages. You sound a little bit more clear now anyway. Maybe now that you've cracked open the beer that will start to change. No, that's fucking weird because I'm actually fucking retardedly fucked right now. Yeah, I'm fucking asshole. I've not even bothered fucking trying to sober up fucking hairs. I mean, you sound pretty clear. So, well, I had a line of cocaine about 40 minutes ago. So I'm not going to but some fucking cocaine and heroin and alcohol. That's that's. Oh yeah, cocaine and alcohol best fucking combination. Okay. Probably not. So if anyone listens to this, don't fucking try it. Please. Yeah, don't fucking try it. It metabolizes into a drug into into your liver called cocafeline. It makes cocaine last longer and feel better but don't fucking do it. You'll most likely die. I know. I know what I'm doing. Well, many years. I don't fucking try it. You're no exception. You're no exception to that rule. Oh yeah. Yeah, let's stay on top. Okay, so. I do want to know if you're willing to talk a little bit about your trauma since you seem to understand what it is. Oh shit. It's always going to be the most repeatable shit though. It's just going to sound like some fucking repeated shit. I don't know if people want to hear that but if they're going to hear it, they're going to hear it. And you're going to hear it when insult continues. Hello world. I finally did it. I set up a Patreon. It's just my name, www.patrions.com/nomicates. And there, newly incentivized and free from the the evil eye of leering detractors, I'll be releasing episodes early and at-free, along with bi-weekly bonus episodes, weekly blog posts, articles, and polls so that I can hear from you. So if you support the show, please consider subscribing at any tier. Can't wait to develop some community outside of Twitter. patreon.com/naamakks. Check it out! I'm going to try and summarize it because that's what I do. But I can remember my fucking first experience with another fucking person in nursery. I must have been at least three years old. I got excited and I hope someone, I just hope someone, simple as that, I hope someone got a kind of pretty good reciprocation, that was it, that was cool, that was fine. Then we're going to, what you call it, preschool, we call it primary school in the UK, that's like four years old to 11 years old. Yeah. All the way through that, I was in some bullshit, nothing fucking stupid, well this is where my accent comes from, nothing, he's mid-night, some stupid fucking primary school there. Nothing really ever went well there. To be honest, I should have noticed all this from the fucking beginning. I thought it was a fucking joke at the time. You know when you're at that age, you're about five years old, girls are icky, that kind of thing, no one gives a fuck, shit, girls against boys, er, girls. The good looking boys, to be honest, they could run to girls and let that fine, fuck it. Well, I run to the girls, they fucking run, they would scream and I used to fucking love that, I thought it was hilarious. Looking back, not a good sign, not a good sign. But it was just what we all used to do, we'd take turns just running at them and sometimes they'd do the same to us and we'd fucking run away, simple as that, well, playing football. Then you get secondary school, which is 11 to 16 year olds. That was kind of when it went downhill a bit. I had a lot of male friends in secondary school, I had quite a few. But, ah, fucking her. Every single one of those friendships I had with them, no matter how close we were, they always ended because one of their female friends would say, "Oh, I don't want to answer your Andy looks a bit weird, all this kind of stuff, I think he looks like a bit of a creed, he just looks, yeah, kind of thing." And they had to tell me that. And to be honest, I sometimes took it on the chin because I was a bit of a fucking idiot about them. But by the end of it, it was kind of like, "Well, fuck's going on." I used to hang around these guys houses every day, I used to fucking play with them, go outside, play ball, fucking everything. Some of them used to just have a couple of drinks together, as you do when you're a stupid drunk Brit. But, yeah, all of those friendships ended because the girls that they were with just didn't like the look of me. I can't even, like, honestly, I couldn't tell you their names, I'd never met them. They just didn't like the look of me. And they told me that. They even told me, "These guys, my fucking friends, ask me, could you hang back because you just kind of killing the mood." That's the kind of fucking sign that I don't think most people understand. And "Oh, fuck me, it's so annoying." So, okay, that's fucks cool off. Yeah, that's your first sign, still kind of being a bit of an idiot. I'm not, fuck me, Jesus. I've had my family tell me, "Oh, you're looking for people. You should go for people uglier than you. You might actually get somewhere. You are the strangest telling me, "I fucking know, you're an idiot." You got quote from saying, "Low your standards, you're probably not in there league. You are teacher-sync. You probably got social problems because you're hanging out with these guys. But look at those girls and the guys hanging out with you. You need to just kind of maybe hang out with those guys over there, the less popular, the less good-looking, fucking right. It's always the same fucking thing and even the police fought me. I'm no stranger to the police. "Oh, fuck me, police are cheeky, couldn't. Fuck me. Last time I had my milk cut." I've been arrested my night of times. I've not really had a lot to lose for a quiet while, so I'm not really bothered about it, fuck it. Last time I got arrested was about probably a year ago. No, arrested and call us and arrested. Probably about fucking, fuck, I'm not fucking around the ears or something. But the last time I got arrested and got my fucking shot taken, I made a dirty little fucking stupid cheek comment to me and it was, "Morally, someone do it." It's like, "Oh, look at you. Look at your mug. We're going to have a fucking great time taking a picture of that." Police aren't your best friend when you get arrested. I think anyone that's ever been arrested could tell you that. If you look at the media, it's the exact type of people that are taking the piss out of in cartoons, films TV. Like, that was a reason, ugly people in media always share similar traits and often are the butt of the joke. And that's literally it, those are the kind of people I was advised to sit with. I didn't have a problem with it. That was fine. But looking back at it as an adult, I kind of understand what they meant. It was very, very implicit and I don't even think they knew they were implying it. I don't even think it was an attack. I think it was just something that's ingrained into you. You look at fucking Hollywood, the media and that's probably why a lot of these fucking people have identity issues. Yeah. But can I go back to where I was? Yeah. Go back. No, it was teachers I was going to about. No, nurses. Nurses. Nurses and doctors. What do they do? I've had a few of those before. I was younger. I used to tell them about some of the issues I had socially. And again, they gave me some stupid platitudes like, "Oh, go for someone ugly or go for someone lower standard. Just look at yourself in the mirror and just try and low yourself. You might be happier after that." Which at the time was good advice. Was good advice to me. I was like, "Okay, okay, that's fine. I might do that." I did it. Uh-uh. No result. But when you think about it when you're an adult and not just a fucking teenager, it kind of means, "Okay, from the doctor's point of view, he's looking at you, you're an ugly kid. You've gone. Go for someone else but someone like you." It's a very, very implicit way to say, "I think you're an ugly piece of shit and I have nothing else to say to you." But I think most of society doesn't want to recognise the fact that they do do that. It's like, "Low your standards." Well, why should they be standard? Are you admitting that looks are an issue? I have thrown my standards out years, go trust me. So where is all this coming from? Why are you telling me now? Give me some more advice. And they can't. That's where the trauma comes from. You're looking at 28 years of that. *cough* I've never had any different, and now people turn around to me and say, "Oh, it's just me. Sishii, you're wrong. You're a fault. Well, I spent fucking well over a decade trying to improve myself. I spent every fucking waking minute of most days for over a decade since I was 11 years old and I had my first fucking crush trying to improve myself. Um, faster, personality, well, fuck me, personality, fuck it. Everyone goes through personal shifts. Everyone goes through fucking view shifts. So, that's bullshit anyway. I have had so many stupid views in the past that are quite akin to the same kind of people that fucking told to me now and tell me that I'm wrong. I used to think like them. So, if I used to think like you, what's the issue? But yeah, fashion, personality, fucking, the little hygiene, take a shower, have a hair, cut everyone's fucking done that, got the fucking winner. Right. You probably couldn't name one thing that I have not tried in the past decade or so, apart from 26, 25, that's about the age of a gay boy about two years ago. The rest of it is just a lifelong fucking plague of bullshit and a fucking hate it. Can't sand it. I used to be the fucking kid on the playground. If someone fell over, I would walk them to the fucking nurses office. I used to fucking give a fuck about people. I used to care about people. I used to have the best interest at heart. Well, that gave me fucking nowhere. And it's not like he's supposed to have a return on investment on that kind of thing, but still. If someone, if someone fucking good-looking piece of shit did that, fuck it. It's still a fucking fucking fucking fucking people looking up to him. It's ridiculous. And that's why the drama comes from. It's slow growing drama. It's a lifelong drama. It's not something that happens over like the years. It's one of these things that grows and you increase and you have to after a certain amount of time you just got to realize it. Well, fuck it. No one goes a fuck about you. And you challenge people, and then they just have a go at you for why? How the fuck is that going to solve the situation? I hate like the way I see bodies. They think about it like this. Okay. Think about everyone else. They think, okay, I think it'll sell so bad. I think they're horrible people. I know what I'll do. I'll talk shit to them. I'll belittle them. I'll believe them. I'll treat them like shit and I'll isolate them more just as I did when they were children. How is that solving anything? What does that do to solve anything? Why not show some fucking compassion for us all we need is fucking compassion? Instead of treating us like shit, all of our lives just because we might not look aesthetically pleasing. Just fucking treat us with fucking compassion for God's age. Jesus Christ. It's not fucking our task. Get pissed off with this now. And there's the trauma. There it comes. The fuck shit. Life long fucking prejudice. I hate it. Some people label us as white supremacists, which is funny because half of our user base isn't even white. I think racism is stupid. I think it's fucking retarded. Why would you hate someone? On the basis of, oh, they might originate from a certain point of the world where the sun requires them to have more melanin in their skin. What the fuck? What the fuck? Unbelievable. Unfucking-believeable. Jesus Christ, man. I just fucking, I'm so fucking the wallet. So fucking annoying sometime. Oh fucking hell, you've really got me going now. Oh shit. Well, I mean, it's incredible. Everything that you've said pretty much addresses exactly all the issues that I feel people need to hear. All the misconceptions and just how a heart breaking. Well, it's like people ask us to just try. Try this, try that. And it's like, some people probably don't fare enough. But the people that did what then, they just keep having to go and try this to try that. We've already fucking done it. There's nothing else to do. Why do you keep having a fucking go at this? You look on the forums, oh yeah, you can find them stupid posts. That's venting. Can you not take a fucking joke? Yeah. Go elsewhere. I guarantee anything that you find on that forum you can find in abundance anywhere else. It's bullshit. Yeah. Oh, it's fucking, it's just another excuse to Virgin James and just fucking hate on me under the dog's society. Oh fucking hell. Scott McGowan now fucked me. But the old pressing shit. I'm so what? For sitting here doing nothing to nobody. And I'm one of the most hated people on the planet. Just because it happened to be an insult. Oh wow. Bullshit. Why not fucking focus on people are actually doing shit? Like I find this really weird. Like most of these so-called quote in cell killers that people will fucking talk about. Yeah. Most of them aren't even in cells anyway. But this regard that I guarantee I could give you a fucking spreadsheet of other people that aren't. Why don't you ever go to them instead? Why does it have to be else? Simple bullying of people that don't fucking like the underdog of society. The people that they bulletin they were fucking children. There were a few mass shooters and the perpetrator of the Toronto Van attack that identified as in cell or were aligned with those ideologies. Many in the group want to distance themselves from them naturally. But most acknowledge it. But there's something to be said for frails last point here about why people vilify people like him. Something that resonated as true. The ugly the ugly fucking the ugly dockling mass where it comes from the ugly dockling acid. That's exactly it. For me. And all I've got for myself is alcohol, cigarette, and heroin. They're the closest I have to a friend and people love to deny this. They love it. They love to deny it. They hate hearing about it because it keeps them in their own little world. It makes them able to just deny everything that they've done. I think part of the problem is, I've said this before, if they were to admit this, they're admitting to just being a cunt to people. And I don't think they like that. Some people don't like it. And I don't think people even know what the definition of an enzyme is. I suggest they do some more research. We don't have collective ideology. It's not a movement. There's not a set of beliefs. There's a lot of disagreement in the community. I like you talk now, God. I've talked for a while now. No, this is really heartbreaking. It's half past midnight here. So I'm going to jump off now, but we should pick this up again. Please send me the audio as soon as you can here because it sounds perfect on your end. What you sent me is so relieved to have that. I don't know if I addressed trauma properly, but I think of it. No. you did, you really did. It is horrible. I'm sure it's terrible. My family is a fucking pushing out right now. Why? Fuck Jesus Christ. Try to relax a little bit and keep in mind that I think you're going to be doing a lot of good for your community and your cause. It's not exactly cause. I just think that people should know about it. Yeah. It's a larger problem in every sphere in the world right now is people probably in every time in history, but right now it seems to be especially magnified with social media and everything. That people don't really want to listen. They just want to argue and their biases are sort of so ingrained, but the idea is to kind of try to bring them in so that they don't know what they're going to be hearing and surprise them with it. They just need to fucking strip themselves back and take away their views and just go from it from a neutral platform and just listen. Anyway, I'll let you go now. I think so too. All right, bedtime for me soon. I'm really glad we did it tonight because I touched on some really good stuff and all right, have a good good day. It's morning for you. It's about half eight in the morning for me, sir. Yeah. I'll see you later. See you later. Thank you. Why did I tell him that talking works? James Pennebaker, a world-renowned American psychologist and pioneer of writing therapy researched the link between language and recovering from trauma. One of his notable experiments involved university students who were asked to write for 15 minutes a day on three consecutive days. The control group wrote about whatever they wanted while the experimental group wrote about the worst thing that had ever happened to them. The experiment was based on Sigmund Freud's concept of catharsis and indeed the students who wrote expressively demonstrated improved health over a period of several months. But those who improved the most specifically used cognitive words, things like I thought or I realize or I know rather than the purely emotional words. This suggests that it's the reformation of the traumatic event, the understanding of it that explains how talking can work. It does matter how you talk about it, how you think about it, and how you listen. So thanks for listening to me and to frail and to each other. If you or someone you know is struggling emotionally or having a hard time, please reach out to someone or call one of the resources provided in the show description.