Hoopst Was First?

Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractible. This episode, Bummer Bob laughs at blubbering, burns with a blackstone, and propounds a game of provenance. White Wade forgets Mark's lung, barely avoids surgery bros, then supports Sputnik, Dooku, and Flammables. Anti-monarchist Mark witnesses Universals mogging, parachute pandemonium, the Baghdad Battery, and ball. From Cocomillennials to Cocaine, it's time for Hoopst Was First. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome back to another episode of Distractible, the show that many have called Cocomelon for Millennials. Yes, no one's ever said that. What is that? You know what Cocomelon is? It's a thing on YouTube for kids. It's like lots of fast motion and it's brain rot. Great stuff if you want to slowly go insane and hate what's happening around you. I thought it was like chocolate covered watermelon or something. But kids love it, just like everyone else loves this show. That's the main takeaway. I am your host, Bob, because that's my name. The way this show works is the host does some sort of thing, game maybe, topic, discussion. And the other two fellers compete, and the winner between those two hosts the next one. So I won the last one. I am hosting this one, and my competitors for today are Mark and Wade. Hello, it's me! Yeah! It's Mark and apparently a statue of Wade. Welcome to the show, everybody. Everybody's looking really alive and definitely human, especially Wade. I have what I think is going to be a real stinker's not good. I was going to say a real stinker of a game. I know. It's not going to be stinky at all. This game smells great. This game is going to be the best smelling game we've ever played. I could never be. Sam, zoom in on my face. You see this face? I can never be sad. I'm so excited to be here. Can't wait for this episode, Bob. Woo! I'm going to give Wade a preemptive pity point because I have a good feeling about Mark for today. Yeah? Before we get to my absolutely shitty, useless piece of crap game, apparently, let's do small talk. How's everybody doing? How is your time since we last spoke, which was not quite a week this time, but boy, was it a not busy, not quite a week. Everything is coming up Markiplier, I think, which is an expression that people had to explain on the subreddit or not this. I can't remember if it was this subreddit or my subreddit, but I said that in a stream. Everything's coming up Markiplier and someone was very concerned, made a post that was just like, "What the fuck is this a reference to? What does this mean? Is this some cryptic hint for a future project?" What does this mean? Is this some cryptic hint for a future project? I'm not saying shit. I'll guess it right. Yeah, wait, what does it mean? Okay, coming up Markiplier, you've done heist, you've done space. What if you're coming up by going down into the ocean? Hmm. Hmm. His favorite place, go on. Hmm. Hmm. Air comes up in the ocean because density, and so maybe air. Maybe I'm gonna make a movie about a submarine or something and in and out of it. In an ocean. Ah, wait, you're so close. Nothing tremendously exciting has happened, which is kind of a good thing. There was 4th of July, where we watched the Universal Fireworks from outside of the park, which was so funny because it was the Universal Fireworks and we were there. It was gonna be like 9 o'clock and we were watching it from a building across the way and it was like, "Woo, it's going." And then they got absolutely mogged by this, like, it was a country club or a golf course or something. It was a country club or a golf course or something. Where a bunch of, like, golf dads got a bunch of fireworks together. The Universal one was over in like 10 minutes. It was supposed to be 20 and then it was just like 10 minutes. And then this other one went on for like 40 minutes, like, shh, and the finale was like everywhere. It was awesome. That's pretty silly. I'll take credit for the 4th of July. Wade cannot use that anymore for his small talk. Yup, yup, yup. America's 250th. Did you guys see the video of the paraglider coming in or the parachuter coming into that one country fair? I don't know if he got hurt horribly, but it's like he's trailing a big American flag and it's like da-da-da-da-da-da. But there's a lead weight at the bottom of the flag to keep it, like, taut and it gets caught on a tree and he's just coming into the stadium for like a football stadium or something or a small one, like a high school one, and it catches just like straight down. And like fulcrum, right into this, like, pop-up tent. It's, uh, I hope he's not hurt horribly, but it is comedic how fast it was like, ba-ba-da, like a Simpsons moment or a family guy cutaway. Was that the second incident this year or was it last year that the guy was going to like the college football stadium or whatever it was and like got stuck on the scoreboard? That was, I think, this past college football season, but that was just normal parachute shenanigans. That wasn't. That's a good idea if you want to see it. Only if you just hold up your phone to the camera and that's how we have to watch it. I don't have any more apps like that on my phone. That was another thing I did is I deleted all. Oh, Lord, what do you do when you poop? Just sit there? You sit to poop? What the hell? Oh, I don't poop in the urinals, no, yeah. So this describes as horrifying, so I'm hoping that he's okay, but you be the judge of whether it's horrifying. I mean, that's a really epic shot. And. Pish! Oh! All right, he's not coming away completely unscathed from that. Oh, he's up! I wouldn't be surprised if there were several many broken things, but he seemed to be moving. I'm going to say he survived, so it's okay that we could kind of laugh about it a little bit, but like. He's got a helmet and a big pack in front of him, so that probably took most of the impact. It really is like it hooks on the tree. There's a moment of like. Oh! And then an animator could not make it funnier than what actually happened. Well, he was standing, so I'm sure he's fine. 250, baby! 250 years! We did it! And everything's going great. Got a good soccer team. They're doing great. As far as I've. I don't care about soccer, so I haven't checked, but I assume we're going to win that. I have been enjoying seeing all the international people enjoying America for the first time. That's always a fun thing. There's a German guy who started to cry on camera like a little baby. About what? Like food or something? Or was it the beauty? They were like interviewing him. It was like a local news, and they're like, "Oh, you're having a good time?" He's like, "Yeah, yeah. No, I. Hang on." He was like, "It's okay. It's okay, wasn't it?" He's like, "I just really love this country." "I thought I was going to get shot. I thought there was going to be lots of crime. I thought it was terrible. It's the best. I love America. I can't believe it." He was like tearing up, and the news guy was kind of like, "Okay, you're not in like a cool part of America. You're in this part." "This is like Kansas or something. It was somewhere like in the Midwest. No specific shots of Kansas. You're fine, Kansas." But yeah, it's been good to see all that. It's really embarrassing that Universal got dunked on by a bunch of golf guys at their country club. That might be what it would have been, but I looked on the map, and that was the only place. It could have been an official thing, but I was like, "Man, Universal really needed to step it up." Universal only had one plan, and the golf guys put a whole lot of effort into it. I'm on three hours of sleep. Saying it's not going to get you any more pity points, but I do appreciate that. Do you have any small talk you want to talk about? So, Mark claimed 4th of July. I'll just throw out 4th of July was great. Went over to Bob and Mandy's not once, but twice that day. Had a great time. Swam in the largest hot tub in the Midwest. But we all know the real news. Tay-Tay and Tra-Tra got married. Oh my god. Oh my god. I don't really know anything about it, though. That's not my real small talk. Wait, Mark, were you not invited to that? How embarrassing for you. Is that why you went to Bob's twice? Because they got married over at Bob's and you were there for the. Yeah, I had to go for the reception ceremony. That's where the real ceremony was. All the Madison Square Garden stuff was a distraction. They gave away bags, and apparently they gave away cakes outside. But there's still. There's a lot of. People are mad they got married because they have money. Rich people aren't supposed to get married, I think. I don't know. I didn't get the gist of the argument, but it was something like that. Now, my real news is, uh. X-ray. MRI. Lots of doctor's visits. Cortisone shot. Physical therapy. But mayhaps I'm dodging surgery. My knee? No torn ligaments. No torn meniscus. Just a defect in the cartilage. Whatever that means. That's causing a lot of inflammation and pain-pain. Cortisone shot yesterday, and I start physical therapy next Monday. When this airs, I will be going to physical therapy. Isn't it a mystical realm? I don't know where it is, because I don't even know where I am! I shall be secreted away! If that doesn't work after four to six weeks, we're going to revisit. Is the term "labroscopic surgery" where they just go and clean things up? Laproscopic. Laproscopic. Yeah, they're pros. Laproscopic. Not Lamaturescopic. Not bros. Yeah. Labroscopic surgery! From amateur surgery. Can I just add some context to this? You've had your shoulder thing for a while, and I know that that hurts you sometimes, and I know that that hurts you sometimes, but you're pretty much fine if something happened that would stop you from fighting for your life. that would stop you from fighting for your life. He came over, we did hang out, and when he got to the house, he really wobbled very much. slowly in like i assumed he would just walk in and be like ah my knees jacked up he was like he seemed you seem like you need surgery i really thought it was a torn meniscus i'm not gonna lie i really expected that but it seems like your knee is way worse than you have been selling it as because we do these sitting down so presumably you know like that doesn't really affect your ability to sit but uh i hope it actually gets better because it seems way way worse than i sort of was thinking it was dude i am so used to i did not realize how much i just flew around the house like a psychopath like skipping steps running up and down the stairs and stuff jumping over things having to move like this i feel 90 years old i'm like here's a step one foot two foot breathe one foot two like clinging onto the handrail yeah it's not good yeah no it seems pretty serious i really thought there was some kind of tear so i'm really glad there's not but whatever this cartilage defect is it's causing that area to be inflamed pushing things outward which is causing other areas to inflame which i guess is why i'm feeling all the extra pain but we're hoping that pt the anti i'm getting some kind of strong anti-inflammatory i've been on prednisone a couple of times but now we're doing something else uh the physical therapy i got the cortisone shot and hopefully that'll do it if not i'll have to go in and do something surgically to clean it up but and even if they do it's still not as bad as a tear so then you look i'll be back to backing up joe burrow soon what position on the bench are you like fifth or six what what's the line of succession to get to bangles qb for everybody i ever heard term 54th man wait how many are there supposed to be on a team 53 oh okay i see i see i'm right there i'm next in line like yeah i'm basically next in line after practice squad it's me there's an equipment guy sitting in the corner with a blank jersey and the letters to spell your name and a bunch of like needles and thread just like oh oh say the word oh i'm ready put me in coach i don't think i really have we hosted a party oh i got to use my blackstone i'm a blackstone guy now so that's pretty fun if you don't know blackstone is it's a griddle a cast iron flat top griddle and i made burgers and beer brats and hot dogs and bacon yesterday for dinner james was like i want a grilled cheese and i was like i could just make it on the stove like i always do or we could do the whole song and dance of going to the backyard and turn it on the blackstone and it was about the same as if i did i cook it outside well thank god it's been great weather here not ridiculously hot and human yeah i didn't sweat at all right onto his grilled cheese while i was slaving over the blackstone just like i didn't sweat on any of the burgers or anything that i cooked on saturday either that did not happen is that why they had extra flavor it all it all burns off it just adds salt right yeah yeah yeah it's basically just salt sam screenshot wade's face i want that just i want it it's tasty for my own reasons you can stop they they can take the screenshot you wait you can stop it i'm just contemplating how much of his food i ate i did i sweated elsewhere and then cooked the food we're basically twins now there's enough of your dna in me where we could just be brothers even chica didn't like that did you hear her barking at that stop stop stop hey stop i hate to tell you but in kitchens in like you know restaurants it's hot in kitchens and yeah the chefs are sweating that's why they wear those fancy hats right they don't wear hats anymore it's not cool sweat on their heads only you think you think they're not just going like this all the time i figured the hats are just full of ice packs like the wug costume you know well that's even worse that's the ice that they have in the ice machine they actually put that on their head first and then put it in your drink yeah so uh and wade never enjoyed a restaurant again i'll forget about it in five minutes thanks i've got a terrible memory uh anyway you guys want to play a fun game i'm gonna play a fun game i'm gonna play a fun game about dates and gears and inventions and i'm pretty sure we haven't done this before i'm gonna pretend like it's new even if it is something we've done before because i love you i won't remember what the hell we did if we did so it won't matter to me it will be new to me we're just gonna talk about some stuff that we're all that we're all familiar with none of this is super technical or anything these are all gonna be things in the world that we're familiar with but i'm gonna give you two options and you're gonna have to choose one of them and you're gonna have to guess which one was invented first and it's as easy as it sounds there's no trick to this it's as easy as it sounds and i'm gonna flip a coin to see who gets to go first wady is the lady and mark is the lion it hurts it's painful oh what are they doing to me lady that's wady all right wade gets to go first wade which one of these was invented first i really feel like who goes second has a good chance of winning this one i'm gonna go first and i'm gonna get a good chance if it's two one if there's two options and i get it wrong yeah no there's no like stealing on this one it's it's yeah no yeah because that you're right it would be a pretty easy i was like man that's a hell of a disadvantage going first actually only wade could get that wrong in a in a one or the other choice competition where he gets to go second and doesn't pay attention to know what the first guess was i'd be mad but you're not wrong wade which which of these was invented first cell phone or uh gps like uh like your garmin that you stick in your car did you guys have those i definitely had one of those at some point in my life i don't know too much about when gps came around gps typically i mean they both were like satellite right satellite phones satellite gps so that is not how cell phones work no i thought the old ones that were in your car were like satellite based were they not it's not a cell phone that's not what we're talking about we're talking about cellular telephones i'ma go with gps then because there have been satellites for a long time i never hear of sputnik just to be clear i'm talking about commercially available consumer gps units not any satellites in space but you locked your guests in so we're going to go with gps yeah in that case i like to lock in which is of course wrong what about sputnik uh the first ever mobile cell phone prototype was invented in 1973 the first gps satellite launched in 1978 well not with that attitude also i don't know if you've heard of the gps satellite i don't know if you guys knew this gps is a u.s technology in other countries they have different positional systems like the kama sutra it was like a darpa program right it was like a yeah it's like a military funded thing then they were like wow this is really useful and then they let everyone use the satellites because we have that now good try wade i'll take the point no mark which one was invented first you're you you you've played one of these you're gonna be very familiar with this all right okay the piano or the guitar oh are we talking like the original like as we know it version are we talking like the the harpsichord and the the sitar you know the the the lute you know are we talking isn't one of those half horse half man yes yes yes half horse has man half goat half guitar as we all know satire he's just raking up the points here man how can i compete it's somewhere in the middle mark um it's not like oh the the first ever instance of an instrument with strings that but it's not like when did fender start their business or anything like it's like when was the first recorded instance of the thing that basically looks like what we would know as a piano and what we would know as a guitar even though there are definitely some some differences as much as i want to say the piano it's probably the guitar just because it's easier so i imagine if there was something that was going to be made first unless it's the opposite because royalty and all the fucking kings and shit you're you know i've always said no kings i've always believed this you know i don't like monarchies in general i think that it but they did fund the arts and the rich did fund the arts back in the day just to look cool though not for good reasons yeah but which art did they fund i'm gonna go with guitar just because and of course that is correct sweet i'll take the point the earliest version of what we would pretty much recognize as a guitar dates to somewhere in 16th century spain the piano dates back to around the turn of the 18th century somewhere around 1700 obviously there have been a lot of iterations and there are certainly things on that before those specific instances where it's like if you looked at it you might be like wow that's basically a piano but uh this is look this isn't science okay this is just this is distractible if you're making a bow and arrow and you actually tie two strings to it you've made a guitar whereas a piano is a lot more intricate you know you should try that should do that and then learn to play stairway to heaven on it and she's buying a stairway way these next ones are something i think you're going to be very personally familiar with i know that you're really all right which was invented first sudoku or crossword puzzles and just to translate it for you in case you're one of those people this is also the thing that's commonly uh called sudoku but that is not what it's called it is called sudoku i i have heard lots of people be like oh i did one of those things and i'm like oh i did one of those things and i'm like oh i did one of those i was doing one of those sudoku sudokus sudokus so duku so do so duku sudoku you know people that just don't even try to pronounce things right you know that i think that makes everybody mad people that habitually just like say the wrong thing all the time who would do yeah you know what i mean nothing pisses off people more than that i agree bob that's a strong agreement no room for error all right wait now that you've had time to google it which one of these things came first the one that i was doing was the one that i was doing the most of the time the one that came first the one that i was doing the most of the time the one that i was doing the most of the time the one that i was doing the most of the time do i look like the kind of guy smart enough to google do i look like the kind of guy smart enough to google no you look like a duck duck go guy no you look like a duck duck go guy no you look like a duck duck go guy you're right you look like an ass jeeves guy not gonna lie because i'm bald yeah i'm gonna put this in this kind of context the way i'm thinking about it crossword puzzles you know are letters you put letters you make words and they have other words math is universal everyone needs math numbers in germany there are words that are like 500 letters long probably there's a lot of long words their crosswords puzzles be really hard other you know places do things with like i can't think of the term is it kanji like symbols and stuff i don't know if they do crosswords or not i don't know if that works yeah it's kanji kanji is uh japanese symbols i don't know if that written language works the same because i've never studied it so i don't know if that works as for crossword type things but numbers everyone does numbers sudoku definitely came first locking that in locked i don't i don't do this with mark i don't know why but with you i feel like i feel obligated to have you lock it in it must be a big hint that i'm wrong but i'll take it you said sudoku was definitely invented first no doubt and of course that is wrong okay the first published crossword puzzle appeared in the new york world which i assume is a paper in 1913 created by journalist arthur win uh another puzzle inventor howard garns published the first game of sudoku in 1979 wait howard tell me howard darns i always hated my great uncle and wait did he just steal the japanese game or i have always wondered how how exactly sudoku got its name i will i have to be honest i'm pulling these from most of these from like a thing so i'm sort of trusting someone else to have done this research oh i've been around on both my answers then i stand by them you guys are like gps is american you know gps stands for global positioning it was originally called number place uh probably just sounded better maybe someone said you go dude he misunderstood it was like sudoku that's a much better name than number box it's just a bunch of people misinterpreting everybody yeah this the even wikipedia which is the most trusted source i have on the internet these days says it was howard garns who was a retired architect and freelance puzzle constructor from indiana a freelance puzzle constructor do you put an ad in the newspaper like i can do puzzles trust me he's just doing he's out here he's out here puzzling for the love of the game all right he doesn't puzzle for money that's like marcus you know he's just like please let me put a let me put a code in here please i'm begging you let me put a code in the dvd please i'll create a whole password input menu and like i just people just want the movie man people just people just want the movie please so howard invented or maybe invented this version of it the puzzle was introduced in japan by maki kaji in 1984 uh and it was originally called in their publication i'm gonna pronounce this very wrong but something approximately like suji wa dokushin ni agiru which was uh shortened to so sudoku which the original name the original name in japanese meant the digits must be single mark you have no reason to be offended he was speaking japanese and you're hawaiian the japanese name actually came way later but it was so fire that everyone was like yeah number place sucks ass howard we're gonna call it sudoku i call it you put the numbers in the box correctly number fun time game wade was wrong shocker i'll take my point uh mark you love science sure you know lots of things which of these came first vaccines or batteries i don't know why but i got a horrible flashback and i was just like astatine the answer is astatine it's a trick it's all come full circle the treaty of winnebago whose wall was it oh hey hey drinks hey drinks i don't know what the real answer from the joke answer is anymore it's hey adrian and it is westphalia oh i said winnebago again yeah winnebago is the joke answer that's wrong oh my god okay what's uh what was he what were you trying to say to me which one came first chicken vaccines or batteries i'm thinking batteries because i remember some bullshit about there being an ancient egyptian urn that they had somehow rigged up with electric eels but i don't know if that was just a joke or something but i remember that being a thing so i'm gonna go with batteries because i believe in an archaeological excavation of some type they did that i think you're right i think cleopatra got bit on her boob by a snake but she thought it was an eel and she thought she was super charging herself to get a real good amount of work done that day you know that's what people used to do with radium they used to have like these radium devices that they would put in their water to be like radioactivize your water to energize you through your day do you want to lock that answer in mark i'm gonna log it in yeah i really i thought anyway uh that's incorrect i'm sorry this one is very close i feel like this one is i would be curious about more detail on this one because what i have here is that in 19 nope not 19 in 1796 edward jenner used cowpox material to create a vaccine for smallpox 1796 and then great name alessandro volta obviously invented the battery which was originally called for some reason an artificial electric organ very concerning name uh in 1800 so those were very close together but i don't know i'm curious what you what you uh read about the archaeological thing i'm sure that there's something there because i'm sure you read it or it was in like a you know youtube video or something and you were like wow that's crazy yeah it's probably not real well they built those really dark pyramids so they probably had battery-powered flashlights where they just tossed an eel in a metal vase we're like we could see oh i thought i thought dark pyramids like on the outside like pure black pyramids i'm like what alternate reality pyramids have you seen man baghdad battery or parthian battery is a 2000 year old artifact consisting of a clay jar a copper cylinder and an iron rod unearthed near the ancient ruins of tesafon this primitive galvanic cell can generate a small electric current when filled with acidic liquid is that real that is a wikipedia entry for a thing called the quote baghdad battery uh but like there's no way that they were generating electricity with it on purpose because they didn't would not have known what electricity was or was it was probably something where it was like well if we put all this shit in a jar and fill it with with water and lemon juice it's tingly when you drink it yeah that's probably what it was it's just like it's very tingly oh that's how they made surge so so you're not crazy you didn't hallucinate that it's just like there's no way it was being used as a battery for battery purposes yeah i'll leave it up to some audience member who knows way too much about this to be like no mark's vindicated and then we'll forget about it but they'll be all like he deserves his point and you know oh there are theories that it was possibly a an electroplating setup which would be fucking crazy apparently a uh a researcher or historian in the 1930s working in the iraq museum observed a number of very fine objects from ancient iraq that were plated with very thin layers of gold and there was speculation that something like this this pot with the with the galvanic cell that they found was potentially used for electroplating which is a thing i could totally see you discovering sort of like accidentally you need to understand what electricity is to be like well if we do this it plates shit in gold because that's pretty sick did they use capri suns for cooling i mean almost definitely they they grabbed a capri sun out of the crafty cooler and slapped that bad boy on there to make sure that their galvanic cell could adequately gold plate their statue i can't wait to tell you about my next crazy build project that i have but i can't talk about it yet it's going to be it's going to be psychotic on another level people don't know my crazy yet i'm going to give you half a point for fascinating knowledge mark okay all right cool hey bagdad battery well i don't know if they had capris over there did that wait a minute what was the headdress called a nemes or something any mes what's that called the headdress that they wore in egypt i can see the word i don't remember how it's pronounced i think i'm some way wrong maybe it's a nemesis a nemesis son nemesis son a nemeson you're right i'm fine how are you talking about your nemesis son yeah my nemesis is son what a hate that guy harsh it's just a son man he didn't he didn't do anything to you you don't know that he's my nemesis's son what a darn you quacker jack fucking quacker jack yeah he hated his son too but they're still both my nemesis honestly yeah that that seems like a villain nemesis i could get that there's like a villain a villain from darkwing duck always putting the peanuts where they don't belong wade you are using one of these things right now and i would wager that you've never used the other one of these things in your entire life testicles wait you've never used your testicles or maybe i'm using them right now you i hope it's not that second one you said okay wait which came first microphones or dishwasher i feel like microphone i think people have been using some variation of microphones for a while unless unless you count people as dishwashers man people probably wash dishes for a while but i yeah no not this is a thing where you don't have to wash the dishes because the dishwasher washes the voice it's a device so that feels like a 40s 50s type of thing right like the the dishwasher, microphone, probably older microphone, locking it i'm so locking that in microphones i am locked no doubt this is my vindication how many coin flips can a person lose in a row oh i can tell you something about that uh all right this is another one that's surprisingly close but i'll start by saying you're correct wayne microphones were invented first yes shortly after the invention of the telephone emile berliner created a transmitter amplifying the noise and thus created the first microphone based on the technology that was involved in the first telephone in 1876 uh while josephine garris cochran submitted her patent for the dishwasher a mere 10 years later 1940 i was right in 1886 was the first uh patent for the first dishwasher but it doesn't matter because you're right microphones came first i mean i want to be all the way right but i'll take my answer being right work you use both of these things i'm fairly certain not anymore because you you fixed your eyeballs but i think you have used both things which came first contact lenses or escalators and i don't know why i said it like that it had to have been a hint there had to have been a hint in there escalators you said later he emphasized later which means that it came later or he doesn't mean the stairs he means people that escalate things no no esca from the root latin word eskimo meaning cold as in you're cold you're cold you're not hot if you're picking this one yep cold and later he's giving me subtle hints that this one not later is in farther away it's farther from the right answer which is contact lenses and also that'd be more surprising so i'm gonna go with that one mark has finally discovered the real game here mark finally properly interpreted the clues i have been leaving in each presented question and of course contact lenses were the first invention mark is the only one who understands what's happening here can i have a fresco uh contact lenses oh the first ones were made entirely of glass which sounds just awful yeah we're invented in 1887 uh and four years later jesse reno hell of a name uh invented and showed off the first prototype of an escalator at coney island what a time to be alive when you go to an amusement park you're like you guys want to ride to sit sit there or do you want to go up the escalator so much fun shit at this place there were a few uh like early roller coaster or amusement park things where like the spinning discs on the floor where you just you lay down and it kind of just moves you at random god help you if your clothes get caught in one of those and no matter how stupid it is because i'm an adult and i know how to get off an escalator every single time i'm on an escalator i'm like oh but what if i what if i move my foot too late and what if my foot gets sucked in at the end of the escalator and what if i get shredded into spaghetti on the escalator and then i'll be spaghetti for the rest of my life which won't be very good but i'm going to do it i'm going to do it i'm going to do it i'm going to very long the the spinning discs on the ground thing looks like a fucking nightmare it looks like an on-purpose meat grinder for humans there was an incident a few years ago where a lady i think it was another country it was like china or something but she stepped on like one of the metal plates past the escalator not the escalator but the walking path and i think like her leg got caught because it wasn't actually where the things meant to be it was like the plate collapsed i think her leg got pretty fucked up she might have even died i don't remember but no matter how many escalators i go on every single time i'm like god don't get sucked in don't get sucked in don't get sucked in pull your pants up don't have saggy pants this is not a good place for that wait this one is tricky which came first matches or lighters it's a tricky one it's tricky i mean i feel like the obvious answer is matches but if you say it's tricky it makes me think okay well that's obviously lighters maybe it's a different kind of tricky or you're saying it's tricky because you thought i'd overthink it and go past and then i should go back because the lighter is really the one that makes the most sense which would be matches you know i'll lock that in a lighter just seems so much more complex than fire stick it really is unless you think about it i mean how people light torches back in like the bcs they just rub them on the ground for a while they have a lighter i don't think they have a lighter look i'm not trying to give you hints i'm i am saying i'm not trying to help you dm me the answer real quick so i can say the right one out loud okay but i'm gonna lock in matches before you do i'm gonna open i'm gonna open discord and i'm gonna dm you the correct answer right now wow discord apparently has an update give me a sec there's an update to discord every day multiple updates what are they doing they gotta add more micro transactions and for some reason games all right wait i dm'd you the correct answer that's great i'm gonna lock in matches like i already said are you gonna stay locked in with it uh you know what i respect your integrity wayne because of course matches is wrong i was reading my coin because you were literally slow walking him towards the answer i'm just like hey wait a minute i was trying apparently the first lighter was invented by johan wolfgang duberiner great name uh in 1823 uh but then not far behind him chemist john walker invented the friction match in 1826 there had to have been matches before the 1800s if you think about it though the thing about matches isn't that it's a piece of wood that burns it's that there's a chemical compound on the tip of it that ignites into fire when you rub it on something that's kind of rough right it's not that it's a stick that burns it's that someone had to invent the chemical lighter is just shit that already burned in a container where all of it doesn't burn at once but a match is actually like a chemistry invention i would have looked at it a different way for why i would have picked lighter versus because even though matches seem like something that's easier to make it's a mass production issue matches necessitate some kind of factory or mass production method to make the small sticks in a box right and that needs other steps because it's meaningless to make like 10 matches you need to make like thousands and thousands of matches it's true i was just thinking you have a stick you have your pot of oily goo you dump on people when they go to storm your castle and you're just like pitch sure sure you just and then you're like match torch your arrows what you use to let your match that doesn't have a compound that lights when you strike it on something you gotta have your flammable pot of things to pour on people that come into your castle right like yeah yeah oh yeah man oh yeah i literally tried to tell you the correct answer on that one buddy i mark was ready to fight you on that but well good thing for him i'm a man of stupid integrity you consciously chose to ignore the fact that you're a man of stupid integrity you consciously chose to ignore the cheating hints and stick to your guns and that is worth zero points all right i'm gonna say this is the last one i think and then wade gets a speed round to still lose see if i need to cheat more to help wade really stay in this one uh mark which came first ballpoint pens or zippers and so it is an important distinction that it's ballpoint pens because there were fountain pens for like a while right where you you need to like physically fill it with ink and it's more like a ballpoint pens meaning it's got the little cartridge it has the yeah it works the way the pens that we're modernly accustomed to work it's not just a pen because there have been lots of different variations of those there's a fairly famous story about the space race between the u.s and the uss are that talks about oh the americans they spent x billion dollars inventing a pen or pencil that could write upside down in space underwater blah blah blah that's so good and then the ussr they just used a pencil the wisdom of that is like using graphite in space is a very bad idea because the lead breaks off it goes into the electrical system it causes a short circuit and it a horrible fire many have died uh well not many but you know people have died because of fires is that what happened to sputnik yes everyone on sputnik there's no survivors from sputnik that's what i thought the guy that they set up in sputnik who was just a guy in the ball but that being said the other option being zipper okay if i go with my logic of zipper needing some kind of that's not an easy thing to make it requires some kind of precision metal and fabric infusion and there's a famous story i'm not sure you're not aware of where a guy with a zipper zipped his balls up in it's called there's something about mary a classic film oh my god what happened to him is he okay well in the movie he wasn't but in real life i think he's okay he's what happened to him his balls go away uh hospital trip because he couldn't unzip i'm gonna go with ballpoint pen just because no but when did they have zippers uh now that's right we do have zippers now whatever i'm just gonna say pen because all right mark says ballpoint pens came first yeah and that of course is correct uh so this one actually doesn't have a year in the ballpoint pens were invented three years before zippers it's interesting so we're like people's dicks just flopping around before that what were they doing buttons uh ballpoint pens were apparently patented in america which is maybe the what they're using to establish the year for this in 1888 so that means that based on this uh zippers would have come into existence in 1891 wait when were ballpoints been made 1888 when were ballpoints been made 1888 when were ballpoints been made in 1888 when were ballpoints been made in 1888 when were ballpoints been made in 1888 but that's before my science anecdote story This is tearing a hole in my entire logical argument, even though I got a point. So I'm not going to fight it very much. There were definitely ballpoint pens before we invented the special space pen, right? That's how they knew they had to invent a special one, because they had regular ballpoint pens. And the first guy they set up in space was like, hey, it doesn't work. And they're like, OK, we'll do a space pen. And then someone got their ball stuck in a fountain pen and was like, oh, I have an idea. Oh, oh. I can't forget this idea, even though this hurts. I'm going to keep writing. And think how sexy the noise will be when we undress. This one is confusing. I'm going to abandon completely the thing I said about being the last one, because I forgot that I really like these last two, because you'll never figure it out. Which one came first, toothpaste or toothbrush? People just dry clean their teeth, or do they have something they thought cleaned their teeth that they would just rub on with their fingers or hair or dicks? Back in the day. People's dicks used to be way longer. I'm going to say toothpaste. It seems wrong. It seems crazy. It seems anti-sensical. And therefore, I like it. Toothpaste came first. You want to lock that in? Locking it in. Well, Wade says toothpaste came first. And of course, that's correct. I did it. There is evidence of ancient Egyptians using paste to clean their teeth around 5000 BC. But. Actual tools to be used in the cleaning of teeth are not evidenced in historical records until sometime around 3500 to 3000 BC. So it's all old stuff. But apparently Egyptians just would take some paste and give it the old. I was hoping that was the case, but I could have seen it going either way. I was like, maybe they took a squirrel and put some little hairs in a thing and were like. And I balanced it out there, Mark. I tried to lead him away from the correct answer. So I know. I know you didn't call for a coin flip. But I just want to I'm not only cheating in one direction. All right. That's a good episode. Let's stop there. Mark, I know you've actually I don't know for a fact you've had both of these, but I presume you've had both of these things in your mouth at one point or another. Interesting. Oh, that's a good question. Pepsi or Coca-Cola? Man, well, one would feel like this answer would be obvious. And I had to do it this way because I think Wade Wade has potentially personal information that might make him have more of an advantage on this question. I do have family. You know that works in Coke. I don't know if that means you actually know anything about it, but it could. The one unique advantage that Coke had back in the day was that it had cocaine in it. Now, what that would might say is, oh, the original recipe, blah, blah, blah. I think that was an attempt to have a competitive advantage over the other party. Right. If it's like, well, ours has cocaine, you're going to fucking love this shit. And Pepsi came. First and had something else. It would have been to me. It's like Coca-Cola hat was the newcomer that beat him out. Right. I hear what you're saying. I hear what you're getting at. I have Mark. I'm going to give you the same thing that I gave to Wade on an earlier question, and I'm going to allow you to do with that information what you will. Oh, no. It was the obvious one. Oh, no. I locked in. I'll be a man of honor unless I shouldn't look that you didn't even say you were locked in. There is nothing except however you're going to feel about. It that has an impact on whether or not you can change what answer you're leaning towards and what you want to give me as your final locked in answer. But wait, is he leading you toward the answer or away from it? Well, he's literally given me the answer. So remember when I DM do the correct answer to that other one? That's what I just did for Mark. I just have the correct answer. Oh, shit. So but but I'll say this. If there's ever a situation on a game show where, you know, you have to you have to do something to win. I won't change my answer. I said Pepsi and I I'm going to go with Pepsi. And of course. That is incorrect. So close. But I am going to give you an integrity point. It's integral. They are very close. All of these were very close. Coca-Cola dates back to 1886. Pepsi dates back to 1893. I will say I had a little I had a little side game going in my head. I was trying to cheat for you guys pretty blatantly. I was going to punish you if anyone. Anyone took my very blatantly obvious clue giving and DMing of correct answers. There was I was waiting for someone to pounce at me leading you slow walking you directly at the correct answer. Not a single person took the bait. Well, I'm a little shocked. Yeah, I thought for sure Mark would. So fuck that part of what I had in my head completely. All this was was a game where we're talking about which thing. Was invented first and there was nothing else to it. And I'm the asshole because I was trying to lure you into an what's that word? No, no, integrity, bad integrity, integrity, this. Yeah, yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's it. I was trying to lure you into bad behaviors and you were both good. Good boys. Bad. Well, the other part of that is I was kind of keeping the score pretty, pretty chill because I was looking forward to whoever is going to get punished that was going to sort of created this. But anyway, let's look at the points. Looks how many points you guys. I have bounty. He did it again. I still don't. It's never going to do a single bounty in his life. This is fantastic. While we were doing that episode, I was really hoping you weren't going to see the flashing on my screen because one of the bounties is to play an entire level of Five Nights at Freddy's while the episode is going on. And every time I flipped up the screen, I noticed on my face. It was like. I'm so used to you always doing anything of it that didn't work to my advantage. But yeah, every time I did that, like, oh, I died. But I beat that level. But not only did I do that, the other part of that was to beat a level of it was an or but I did both. Oh, did you also do power wash and a power level to just flex on it to show that I can multitask with the best of them? God, you're such a master of half asking this podcast. I'm jealous. I'm not going to lie. I thought you were going to say you did the one where like somewhere throughout the episode, you just put your camera on like repeat for like two minutes and we didn't notice. I realized I could have done the shirt one, but I picked the wrong shirt to do it for like the really obvious blue. Here come the mummies. The shirt that at the top of the recording, I was like, wow, is that a, is that a here comes the mummy shirt mark? Wow. I was like, wow, that's a really obvious blue. wade but that's okay because he stinks three spins spin number one current record holder for most points oh god i don't know we gotta go to the and i remember i have one where there was a shit ton of points for both of you i'm trying to find it here in my this is one where mark has 17 18 this is one where mark has 18 if if it's like the record of all time i don't know that but currently as it stands as of the last point total count for this season just i don't know what episode it's me with 50 bob with 55 and a half and wade with 56 so technically but i don't know if that's record holder here's a here's a bob's secret words episode mark has 26 points that's a lot and wade has 29 points uh the highest i saw in this book was 19 i think that might be the highest scoring episode i have ever done but i like mark's version better because now that we have now that person is actually like keeping track of things i mean like it's it's a reward for being good at distracting if you have the most points you get even more points the rich get richer that's how i like to run things i have the most points this season with the fewest wins yeah isn't that funny anyway so that means wade gets that one spin number two tmi point i mentioned balls stuck in a zipper they weren't your balls it could be i'm looking at my balls right now is that tmi i'm looking at our uh i'm looking down at my crotch i don't know with what i don't know i'm also looking down at mark's crotch i feel like this one is not immediately apparent that i there was no there's a lot of duds on this wheel has the best time i had i remember at the beginning of this i was all like and i played two games during the episode i had a great time yeah i think mark definitely had the best time i i can't i can't disagree with that spin number three still a tight game everything's going great fuck fuck fuck fuck it doesn't count now it's before the spin happened fuck i'm gonna start right before the wheel starts spinning just load it up there's a lot of things that come up on this wheel they're like man before the wheel comes up i'm just gonna start lay flat gotta eat gotta drink gotta fuck fuck my balls my balls i feel like this one is targeted towards like whoever got the maddest and said fuck a bunch of mark had a great time mark was really happy and wade was barely awake so i don't think anyone said fuck very much fuck well now you said it a lot in the last 30 seconds but yeah i sure did come on currently sponsored is anyone currently sponsored by anyone not us not me man i wish i was none of us have any active sponsorships or anything hey if you guys want to come to our twitch channels and leave a sub we make no money right now apparently my god this is the most spins we've ever had all right spin three attempt three come on wheel most personal attacks well i made fun of wade kind of but honestly you guys both you both showed an annoyingly a high level of integrity during this episode if anything i said that thing about the mispronunciations that was actually a wade attack i told mark he wasn't from japan he was from hawaii is that an attack well japan and hawaii do have a really rough history with attacks you know that's right they collected a bunch of pearls or something i remember that okay spin number three attempt number four come on come on just give a shortest and get it over with most impressions spin number three attempt number five come on we got this we got this we're gonna have so many messages where we did all of these things best scottish accent perform if necessary okay get out oh god mark wins he doesn't have to perform oh donkey get out in my swamp what'd you say my name is banger my name is banger don't mimic his it's not helping your case it's helping my case you don't tell me who's helping his case ethan is that you my scottish minds are real brutal to him uh mark it's that one i yeah no it actually it actually did matter because if wade had gotten that he would have won but wade unfair mark won the scottish accent not because of what he just did but because i know what his scottish accent sounds like when he's really trying and you had an opportunity to overtake that in your performance wade but i i felt like it was uh inconsistent but so i gave mark the point for the scottish accent because i've heard him do it many a time and he has a he has a it's a good time to do it and i think it's a good time to do it and i think it's a good time to do it scottish accent for a person who does not specialize in doing accents or impersonations it's a good accent but then wade said the word and held up his giantness stupid coin so what exactly are you calling unfair on him having the best scottish accent it's not just can do it's dead if it was just permanent there'd be no point for it to be on the wheel it would just be give a point it's not can do or did it's best scottish accent i'm arguing what that means so the result of the scoid and flip is going to decide what exactly the point means now that's stupid look i'm just gonna say if it's all heads that means it's fair and needs to be made doubly fair and so mark gets two points if it's if it's whatever if it's all mixed bag that means it's fair nothing happens and if it's all tails that means it's unfair and will be made doubly unfair oh wait no i'm saying it backwards but if it's all tails wade gets the point all right tails never fails wait if it's all heads he gets the point because that's what he wants to do and if it's all tails he gets the point because that's what he wants to wants right all right who cares then it needs to be doubly made it's super fair yeah i'll take all heads and all tails if it's mixed then we'll give it to mark if it's all heads wade gets a point if it's all tails mark gets two points how have we forgotten how this works it's been a minute since we've actually done a coin flip man all right i'm flipping oh i got a heads i got a heads i got a the way the coin flips sometimes is uh fair and fair and fair fuck fuck fuck i'm flat all right the final score after an inordinate number of wheel spins is now mark with 19 and a half nope that's not how math works what the fuck did i just read 11 and a half very different wade with 10 i'll take 19 and a half canonically mark has 19 and a half points anyway mark wins either way congratulations to mark uh wade would you like to give your loser speech i was here that's it hardly a speech at all thank you mark winner speech i had a great time i knew a positive mental attitude was gonna be able to get me through this and that's what i did and that's what i have and that's what i'm gonna carry over into my next judging session whatever that may be is it gonna be the perfect discrime you he froze did he freeze for you okay he's back oh we're about to have another disappearing mark moment right as i'm laughing yeah no it literally froze with you be like like whenever i slam my desk and froze my own audio mix up anyway yeah well i can't wait to see that i'm sure that mark is telling the truth and it will definitely be the most perfect it's just crime i'm sure that's gonna happen i'm very excited about that i'm glad mark won so we finally get to experience that for real life uh congratulations to mark and condolences to wade uh despite being mostly asleep and really phoning it in he did a pretty good job and you were very close uh which is very undeserved so that's impressive in its own way keeping up my streak of the most points and losses uh make sure you follow us all on all of our channels and things lord minion 77 or minion 777 my skirm or mark applier make sure you follow the show on whatever platform you like watching it and or listening to it on uh just click the little plus thing and then you'll know when the episodes come out even though they've come out on the same day for literal years i know we're not doing fridays right now but the up the show has come out on mondays since since the dawn of time as far as distract is concerned so i feel like you should know that right now check out the merch shop because you never know when merch is gonna pop up not right now but you never know distractible.shop check it out oh what game is mark playing now well i'm looking right at you guys another bounty i'm literally looking at you i've never looked at you guys harder thank you for listening thank you even more for watching we'll see you in the next episode which will be hosted by mark congratulations again until then podcast out