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Speaker 3Hey! Hey, we're so excited for tonight. Before we come over, though, may I ask if there are any unlocked guns in your home? Our guns are stored securely, locked in a safe that the kids can't access.
Speaker 2Awesome. Learn how to have the conversation at agree2agree.org. Brought to you by the Ad Council.
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Speaker 5Hello and welcome to the How Not To Paint. The deeper dive episodes designed to unpick a thorny topic so you can take away manageable actions to implement today. I'm your host, Dr. Mary-Anne, psychologist and parenting expert. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today, we're talking about homework. Now, apologies for my little snigger. I didn't mean to do that, but I know homework is such a major battle for school. There's so many families. And so I thought it was probably timely for us to be considering this. Now, homework is one of those words that can trigger a reaction before we've even opened the school bag. Yeah? For many families, it literally becomes a battleground. Tears, tantrums, frustration, avoidance, perfectionism, and sometimes a complete refusal to even begin. But homework. Homework is not just about the work itself. Okay? So I'm approaching this in terms of the broader aspects of homework. Yes, of course, the homework comes back. We're supposed to ensure that our children do it, and then we hand it back the next day or the end of the week, whatever that homework is. But I'm going to encourage you to consider homework beyond simply the task that school have set. Because handled well, homework can become. an opportunity to help our children develop persistence, resilience, and independence. Handled badly, and it can become a daily fight that leaves everyone depleted and upset. Now, I would say this particularly. I mean, obviously, that's true for all children. I guess where I would say we want to be particularly mindful is when we're talking about children who are just beginning their homework. They're early on in their school years. And what we want to ensure, I would argue, is that we don't want to create an association between homework and frustration and battles or, you know, those head-to-heads. I often see this, particularly around things like reading in those early years. And then what then happens is reading is no longer. You know, our children, before they start school, love us reading stories to them. They pick up books all of the time. And then if we have a child where we get them to read, we get these battles around reading when they come home from school. If we don't handle it in the best possible way, and I'm going to make some suggestions in this episode, as you would expect, five top tips. But if we are not mindful of playing the long game rather than the game that's being given in front of me, this book log that I need to do, or these spelling sheets, what can happen is our child then develops this association between curiosity and reading and homework and spellings or whatever that might be and unpleasantness. And of course, there's going to be a certain amount of unpleasantness because we have to, you know, work through friction and things that we don't necessarily want to do. But for me, particularly around reading, which I see so often, children are so curious and so loving of books. But then when it becomes something that has to be ticked, where we've got to write what they've read to us, it can sometimes create that battle. So. This episode is 100% for every single parent who wants to create an association between work, persistence and discomfort and something that is something that their child can withstand. So research around homework and parental involvement consistently points to the importance of how we help. Yeah, so it's the how. So it's about supportive autonomy building. So this is. It's about our children feeling that they are capable and independent. When our support, when the how is supportive, it builds autonomy, that is much more helpful than controlling, intrusive or overly directive help. So children are more likely to stay motivated when we support their independence, help them problem solve and focus on the process rather than simply the outcome. And let's face it, we've all been there and there are times that we will still do that, even with the knowledge that I give you in this podcast episode. And I have been guilty of it too. Just get that homework done so we can put it back in the book bag and we can get on and enjoy our evening. And sometimes that is just going to happen. But if more times than not, we can focus our support, the how, I'm hopeful that this episode is going to persuade you why that investment of time and effort and your resources, because it's contingent on us showing up in that moment, and that way we'll pay dividends like a thousand fold later. So the first question we need to ask ourselves first, and I say this with love, is whose homework is it? Is it yours or is it your child's? Now, the reality is that homework has been set by your child's teacher for your child to complete. Our role is not to do it for them or not to give them the answers, but our role is to make sure that to create the conditions. And you could say this exactly the same when it comes to revision. Whose revision is it? Who's taking the exam? Your children. Our role is to create the conditions that allow them to do their homework, to do their revision, to help them manage the emotional wobble that might come with it, and to support them in building the skills they need over time. And because it takes a village to raise a child, if homework is becoming a daily burden to battle, then school needs to know. Now, this isn't about going in and saying, you're setting my child too much homework or it's too difficult. It's about opening a helpful dialogue. I've noticed that when my child gets homework, this is what happens at home. We battle, they cry, they put it off. Yeah, I'm currently managing it in this way, but I'd really welcome your thoughts on how best to support them. That conversation matters because children often present very difficult questions. They behave very differently at school and at home. And we've all been there. I've worked with many families who've had real anxious, challenging children at home. They go to parents' evening and they literally, they're like, are we talking about the same child? They're compliant, they're confident, they're amazing, they're cooperative. So our children do those, are behaved differently. And so, you know, at school, they may be cooperative and capable. At home, we may see the anxiety, the avoidance, the perfectionism, or the overwhelm. And that, in fact, that information is useful for the teacher too. One of the most important shifts we can make as parents is to stop seeing homework as a performance task and start seeing it as a skill-building task. You know, I love a skill build, and this is where I genuinely believe if we can zoom out from the specific bit of paper or worksheets or book that your child has been given, instead think about, okay, this is homework. But I'm actually looking the way that I respond to my child and how I support them is really going to build those skills that I want when I want them to do things that go out of their comfort zone when I want them to be able to solve problems independently to feel capable and competent yeah so homework gives children the chance to practice starting something difficult staying with it when it feels uncomfortable asking for help appropriately and learning that effort matters and that is where persistence comes in persistence is not about a child loving every task it's about them learning little by little that they can stay with something even when it feels tricky homework is in fact a huge skill learning opportunity which will springboard our children in every way we want them to develop the homework itself is a one-off task but the process if we shift our focus to that is genuinely the gift that keeps on giving resilience is not about never getting upset it's about learning that frustration is survivable mistakes are useful and struggle does not mean failure independence is not about leaving children completely alone but it is about gradually stepping back so they can learn to trust themselves and this links closely to growth mindset yeah we talk about this a lot the idea that ability can develop through effort through practice through feedback and support and research on growth mindset suggests that children are more likely to persevere when they understand that difficulty is part of learning not evidence that they are incapable so when we help and support and I'm going to talk you through the example of a child who's been through a hard time and they're struggling and they're trying to take that pain away for our children our children learn that that is just part of the process and then if we praise and again we'll look at that as well the way that we praise can also have a direct impact on how that also helps and supports our children so what does this look like in real life okay so it starts with creating the right environment and also understanding the timing for your child so for some children homework works best as soon as they get home for others they need food movement connection or decompression first so I saw this with my own children my son needed to come home and get his homework done straight away he genuinely he just could not relax that was his default in lots of ways that whole kind of swallowing the frog it was always I want to do the most difficult bit first so I get to enjoy so he could relax them when it was finished my daughter complete opposite she needed to come home she needed to get changed out of her school uniform she needed to dance around her bedroom she needed to decompress have a snack and then she was ready same family same parent completely different children and I would say in lots of ways if we consider so much of the advice that we're getting generally about our health and our well-being about movement and other things so much of it now is really that there are overarching general guidelines that are good but fundamentally the exercise that works for me is going to probably be completely different to the exercise that's best for you what I eat in terms of optimizing my health and my well-being and my mental health is probably going to be quite bespoke and unique to me as it is going to be to you now it doesn't mean that we can get into the minutiae of that in every level of detail for every single child yes I do think when it comes to homework when it comes to our children demonstrating the skills that they need in order to complete homework but to build that resilience and that perseverance we want to afford our children that opportunity to tailor make it around them so that we can optimize their engagement with the process so I believe we we really ought to work with the child in front of us but there is a caveat
Speaker 1and I think that's what we need to do if we're going to be able to do what we want to do in the future and I think that's what we need to do in the future sessions average $21 with insurance and some pay as little as $0 depending on their plan there are no subscriptions no long-term commitments you just pay per session grow connects you with thousands of high-quality licensed therapists across the US offering both virtual and in-person sessions nights and weekends you can search by what matters like insurance specialty identity or availability and you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days not the next national 48-day average see if you could pay as little as $0 for therapy in seconds at grow therapy.com slash a cast that's grow therapy.com slash a cast grow therapy.com slash a cast availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan talking about guns with others might not always feel
Speaker 2comfortable but it could save a life here's a way to start a conversation your family is going over to your neighbor's home for dinner for the first time how would you ask if there are any unlocked guns in the
Speaker 3home hey hey we're so excited for tonight before we come over though may I ask if there are any unlocked guns in your home our guns are stored securely locked in
Speaker 2a safe that the kids can't access awesome learn how to have the conversation at a great to agree.org
Speaker 5brought to you by the Ad Council some children will avoid homework because it feels too hard because they are anxious or because they are perfectionists they want it to be perfect so they can't start or they procrastinate because of the emotions that are entangled with it so they will keep kicking the can down the road if we have the conversations about when might be the optimal time you are going to get some children that will be like I'll do it later I'll do after dinner I'll do it tomorrow in those moments we need as parents to be curious and then we need to take the lead because our role is fundamentally to provide the boundaries but also the expectation so yes we want to create an environment where our children can optimize their you know their engagement in terms of what time they do their homework but there is a boundary there they have to do the homework but we want to be curious when we're getting this so is it are they avoiding it because they don't understand it so is it actually the reason why they're not starting the homework is simply they don't understand it or maybe because they don't know how to start or maybe they're frightened of getting it wrong or maybe they're exhausted maybe they're over schedule do I need to be looking at their schedule so we can ask these questions and then ensure that we take the lead and create those those boundaries because our job is not to rescue them from every uncomfortable feeling our job is to help them name what is happening and then takes take that next small step so let me share and give you my top five tips and so that you can then decide which ones will work best for you and your children because you may well find you know I'm always a big believer in the power of one just do one thing do that consistently choose the one thing that you think is going to have the biggest impact what you might find is that you need to choose different things if you have more than one child and you're having homework battles for each of them so feel free to sort of tailor make and pick and choose so number one start with connection not correction so before you jump in with just get it done a child who is overwhelmed tired or anxious is super unlikely to respond well to pressure so instead let's try connection yeah so this is connection rather than correction you're not doing the homework I'm going to correct you or I'm going to try and connect with the reason why you might not be doing that homework and we're going to have a guess here because we don't know necessarily why they're doing it but generally speaking when we procrastinate and we avoid doing something it is usually related to the emotions that we associate that are connected to that task so we might say something like I can see this feels hard to start you're really frustrated this feels like a lot right now connection calms the nervous system once our child feels understood they are much more likely to be able to problem solve so let's connect to what we are seeing and once we've got that connection we can then move on to step number two which is make the first make the first step tiny make it manageable make it really easy persistence is built by starting quite often what we have is we have these battles about getting started but if we can make that first step easy to take or that persistence can build from that so if your child is stuck don't focus on finishing the whole piece of homework but simply focus on the first tiny step now that might be opening the book reading the first question writing the date choosing a pencil or doing the first two minutes we are teaching them that starting itself is a skill and that that in itself is the beginning of that process i have also found with some children that taking a step back into territory that they are that they know well and that they're confident and comfortable with can be super helpful as that first step so you're almost taking a step back so if you're looking at a particular piece of homework it might be that you go back over something that they have previously done that they worked really hard on that they felt comfortable and confident with so you almost ask them a question there or recap or re-look at something or encourage them to look at it because that reminds them that they can it's almost like you go backwards before you go forwards so it's like almost like a reset and then you can move on and that works so well so if you find for your child that taking that first step is often the problem regularly then you may want to just keep taking backward steps for a little bit and before you then take the next forward step so number one is start with connection not correction number two is about make that first step tiny so that our children can do that number three praise the process not perfection not the outcome instead of saying you're so clever you did brilliantly you're amazing that was wonderful try i noticed you kept going even when that was tricky yeah you checked your answer yeah we're not saying whether it's right or wrong they checked their answer that's a process that's checking against a goal isn't it you asked for help without giving up you made a mistake and corrected it you made a mistake and asked for help you know whatever that might be we're using statements that really praise that process so that our child learns that difficulty is part of that learning process and if it's helpful i mean i know this is something that i used to do is write down some things that you think would be praising the process write down some little statements that would seem apt for your child or for your children that you can almost kind of like go back to regularly as a reminder and a recap in those moments because if we've practiced them if we've got them if we're a bit armed with them it's a new skill that we've got to learn about praising the process because so often it's not because we're bad parents but because you know this homework has come back and so we're very task focused gosh i'm hugely task focused it's like we need a task let me get it done and then i get a tick so we want to shift the way that we approach that because if we can shift it in the way that we praise our children and the way we approach homework then our child gets the that kind of gift that keeps on giving benefits the skills that they learn from from doing homework much more than the homework itself so give ourselves that opportunity by writing some of those down these statements help children value the effort strategy and persistence rather than believing that the only thing that matters is getting it right or just getting it done so praise the process not perfection now number four is we step back gradually if we are having homework battles we may find that we need to be in the fray with our children for quite a bit at the beginning in the same ways when we've got a child who is not sleeping in their bed and they're coming through and sleeping with us all of the time or we have to we have to lie in their bed with them until they fall asleep we don't go cold turkey we gradually step back and that's exactly what we need to do here so independence does not appear overnight your child doesn't go from having battles about homework to suddenly being able to do it immediately it comes through process you might begin by sitting beside them then sitting nearby then checking in after five minutes then asking them to show you what they've done at the end the aim is not to abandon them the aim is to slowly hand responsibility back to them so things that you can say are i'm here if you need me but i'm going to let you go go first or i'm not going to let you get started and then i'm going to get started on dinner or i'm just going to help your sibling or i'm going to get do this that phrase is powerful i'm here if you need me and i'm going to let you have a go first i'm going to let you get started and then you can come to me if you with a specific help so that is super super powerful at helping them then then have that sense of autonomy and that capability so number four is stepping back gradually number five is keep school in the loop if homework is regularly causing distress avoidance or huge battles i believe it is really important it's a collaborative process raising our children and schools in my experience and i've been working with young people for a very for two decades and i have always found schools to be super helpful and super supportive in that collaboratively working particularly where there are battles around homework teachers do need to know what is happening at home homework should provide useful feedback about your child's learning not becoming a nightly war zone and remember if your child can't complete the homework independently whether that's capability academically or their mindset in terms around their capability it is useful information for them to be able to do that so homework is not about spellings math sheets or reading logs it's all about helping our children learn how to start how to persist how to tolerate mistakes how to ask for help and how to become gradually more independent and that is the bigger goal that in lots of ways is why i've changed the way that i view homework generally um i'm not a massive fan of children getting huge amounts of homework when they're younger for the task itself but i love the skills that the process of learning and homework provides our children and that is fundamentally the bigger goal we want to raise resilient adults now if you have any specific questions about homework please do write in you can email contact at dr. maryhan and we can incorporate any questions that you have into another episode so do keep me posted with how helpful this has been and do if you have not yet done so then i would really ask you to kindly take a few moments to rate and review the podcast because that is how other parents will find us and the content and the useful top tips and i would say that homework battles and homework generally is a challenge for a lot of families so why not consider sharing this episode with others because i suspect that they would probably find it super helpful too so until next time talking about guns with others might not always feel
Speaker 2comfortable but it could save a life here's a way to start a conversation your family is going over to your neighbor's home for dinner for the first time how would you ask if there are any unlocked guns in the home hey hey
Speaker 3we're so excited for tonight before we come over though may i ask if there are any unlocked guns in your home our guns are stored securely locked in a safe that the kids can't access awesome
Speaker 2learn how to have the conversation at agree to agree.org brought to you by the ad council
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