Hog Heaven, MAGA Hell

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Variety is the spice of life. Yes, absolutely. All right, Pumps, what have you had it with? Okay, what I've had it with. And I'm. I've never seen anything like it. I attribute it to the fact that it was a red state. Okay. So I'm walking downtown Dallas over this last weekend. Okay. I'm behind a guy. And he does this. He puts his finger on the side of his nose and blows snot out of the single nostril onto the street as we are walking. What in the literal fact. And I was like. And I was like. And I was like. And I was like, oh my gosh, that is disgusting. He kind of looks at me like I'm the dick. Like I'm the asshole. And I'm just like, that's fucking gross. It was gross. That would never happen in New York, would it? Oh, yeah. It does? Yeah. There's some pretty gross shit that happens on the streets of New York. I would love to say that that's like a. Red state thing. Yeah, there's some nasty ass shit. I mean, there's some nasty ass shit that goes on in the streets of New York. I mean. I really wish that we could just zero that in on MAGA. But men and the expulsion of liquids in their mouth, they are very. They lack a lot of self-awareness in how grotesque it is. There's constant spitting in the street. There's constant. Yeah, I've seen this. You know, there's just. Men feel like they have a license to let go of all manners, all decency, and carry. Fear for what a viewer could possibly see. Right. And they just let it rip. They just let it rip out in public all the time. It's been going on forever. I would give you this. I would probably say in Trump's America, it's worse. Yeah. They probably. Just like the racists, they probably feel more emboldened. Sure. I bet. These single. Single-nose snot. If the president of the United States can shit their pants and wear a diaper around, why can't she glue snot on the street? By all means. Just boog it up on the street. Just boog it up. That's. I felt that. To my core, I felt. When you were describing that, I felt that to my core. It's such a grievance. It's so gross. Nobody wants to see that. Nobody. And here's the deal. It's like he thought he was invisible. It's like you're not. That's what I'm saying. He lacks self-awareness and care for the viewer. Yeah. Nobody wants to see it. What if I would have stepped on it? Ugh. Okay. I just have some things. I don't know if these are grievances. Well, kind of grievances. But this is. You'll love this. So viewer and listener, long-time viewer and listener, you know that Pumps and Josh and I have a friendship for the ages. And for years, when Josh and I had marital problems, as a lot of marriages do, Pumps was my number one confidant in those things. Now, of course, I've shined the shit out of that diamond in the rough, and he's pretty much off to the races. And so now I have these pedestrian complaints about him, which I welcome. I welcome these level of pedestrian complaints. The first thing I want to discuss is Josh Welch's compulsion to get his hair cut. Yeah, it's bizarre. So in the last 30 days, I would say probably, I think I did the math on it, 26 days, Josh has had three haircuts. And let me just walk you through each of these, listener and viewer. We take our youngest son, we move him into his apartment at USC, and while we're in Los Angeles, Josh says, I'm going to get my hair cut. I'm going to get my hair cut. And I'm like, okay, because he's a traveling haircut person. This is something he enjoys doing. And you know what? I don't- Who cares? No complaint on that. I like it. I get blowouts when I travel. I like it. I get blowouts when I don't travel. So whatever, right? So that was about less than four weeks ago, this move, all right? Then about two weeks after that, he comes to New York. And he goes, I'm going to get my hair cut. And he gets another haircut, all right? Then he is here for about a week. He goes home for about four or five days. And then he comes back to New York this very last weekend. And he got his hair cut the third time. And so when he walked into the apartment after the third haircut, I said, wow, you got it cut really short. Which is, internally, is like 10 hamsters. 10 hamsters on crack cocaine, Adderall, ground up, and snorted, and just on a hamster wheel like crazy. And right as I said it, wow, you got it cut really short. I was like, oh, fuck. I'm going to have to live with that comment forever. Why do you have to be so honest, Jennifer? Why do you have to be such a C-U-N-T? Why couldn't you have just said, love the cut? Yep. Looks good. I have to step right into it. And so then we have to have a conversation with everybody ensuing about the haircuts. And then finally, as we're walking to the gym one day. He's like, well, I'm going to ask Emily. Emily's our trainer. I'm going to ask Emily if she thinks my hair's too short. I'm like, by all means, let's keep talking about it. Let's ask this guy on the street. Let's ask the snot slinger if he thinks. Why stop talking about it now? And so I finally said to him, I said, Josh, here's just the mathematics of that. If you get three haircuts in less than 30 days, the only outcome for that is that you're going to have short hair. And listener, Josh is really self-deprecating at the same time. Totally. I'm not telling this. He can absorb it and laugh. But here's the tidbit where I think you're just going to love. So Josh has been on our pod a lot lately. We're integrating him into iHip News because he's a criminal defense attorney in the incoming investigations. The crime. The crime regime. We need a criminal defense attorney on staff to walk us through all of this. And it's coming. We hope. And so Josh is reading the comments in the comments section on YouTube. And a couple of people said that they think that Josh dyes his hair brown and his beard is gray. And this really, this occupies a lot of real estate in his brain. And I knew pumps would love this. And here's the, here's the long and short of it. You guys, he does not dye his hair. He's not above it. Oh, he would do it. He would a hundred percent. But that hair is his, that hair and that hair color. I don't know why he has a gray beard, but that's his hair. It's just what aged first. But he was like, people in the comments think I dye my hair. You're like, who cares? I'm excited to share my new favorite partner for this podcast, our sponsor, Cozy Earth, because I am obsessed with bed sheets. Sheets are such an important part of my day when I make my bed in the morning and when I get home from work and I'm ready for bed and I crawl in bed, I have to have good sheets. They have to be comfortable. They have to be durable. They have to be cotton. And this is why I want to share with you my favorite sheets of all time come from Cozy Earth. The texture is incredibly soft and smooth and it's lightweight and they feel just incredibly crisp yet soft at the same time. And sheets lovers, you know what I'm talking about, right when you climb in and a 10 year warranty, 10 years, Cozy Earth stands behind everything they make because true luxury is built to last. They have a lot of other products besides sheets. I encourage you to go check them out, but I'm telling you guys, get some Cozy Earth sheets, head over to CozyEarth.com and use my code HADIT for up to 20% off. That's code HADIT for up to 20% off home and sleepwear. And if you see a post-purchase survey, please be sure to mention. That you heard about Cozy Earth right here. I hate to give Josh any credit, but from somebody who's single out in the world at 56 years old, Josh looks, I would say 8 billion percent better than 99.9% of the pumps. I'm going to have to cut this out because this will just do his ego. So, I mean, the comment should say. I can't believe that fucker's 56. seven years old almost if yet he looks fucking amazing that's what the comments should say and instead oh you're fucking me so hard right you know what's gonna happen and i'm kind of gonna i think i might text him about it today you know josh if you're worried about the comment section about your beard being gray why don't we dye it we could dye your gray oh you are diabolical because he'll start he'll start he'll start asking google about it but let's we're not going to skip over something okay just said because we're going to deep dive into this as a single 56 year old woman out there looking yeah you said is that what she said kylie so are you out actively looking for people to date update me and the viewer we are okay waiting with bated breath my dear here's what happened and this is the first time this has happened to me in a long time okay so driving back from dallas the diesel gas was seven dollars a gallon just that's an fyi okay and these i saw these uh harley davidson's like driving in a big group and whatever so they passed me and i was getting nervous around motorcycles i'm afraid i'm gonna hurt somebody so anyway we're all getting gas at the same time okay so these fuckers they pull off their helmets and i mean they were younger most of them were younger than me so but i mean they were hot as fuck i was like oh my god i want to run that hog that's me and then it actually in my brain as i'm pumping my gas next to all these hot motorcycle guys i'm thinking what if i just went over there and said hey do you want to fuck i could do that like i could totally do that but of course i didn't do it but i thought about doing it so i think i get credit for my mind is churning in that way but these were exceptionally hot guys i will say in the motorcycle helmet once they took them off so i did think about it wow that's big i'm so proud of you number number one internally i like the hell's angel attraction i think that is the final form of rebellion against your evangelical christian upbringing to be so turned on by the hell's angels so cute yeah these little demons on bikes you know i love it and i the analogy of the them the new writing um my head's in the right place so you think you like a motorcycle guy well i never have thought i liked a motorcycle guy but i did then i mean they were exceptionally cute though i mean i was shocked like every time the helmet came off i was like what in the fuck is happening did you start going to hell's angels meetings did you get any maga vibes no and i looked on all their jackets to see if they had patches or something and they didn't i mean there was no outward sign of any political huh an eagle no i mean no i mean i went head to toe because you know those jackets have patches you did go head to toe i did i did sounds like you did sounds like you yeah sounds like there was some i fucking go and then i thought what if okay then my head went there here here it went okay so let's say i proposition one of these guys and let's say by some miracle that they don't care that i'm old enough to be their mother and they're like yeah let's fucking go how bad would that be i mean like would i have the confidence to pull it off like in the moment i mean i know it's like riding a bike but i mean i just thought i don't know you could do it pumps you do yeah i mean i think you know i i this hell's angel attraction um about number one is growth it it really is like i'm glad that you're seeing men in an attractive way because for for years it has just been like i hate men i hate sex like right right no i was thinking about it and then i thought about it for the last like 60 miles with them no it's it's like real growth i feel like it's growth too i really do i think it's i think it's super normal too to see people that are hot and think about screwing them and i just think that's a normal part of the human experience yeah yeah i don't think there's any shame in that no i don't feel any shame i feel like i felt like oh my gosh well maybe i'm turning the corner you know maybe well this is a fantastic update for the podcast let's get kylie's take and i'm welcome to i've had it let's get kylie and immediately kylie kylie i dressed like this so that you would be oh my gosh you have a leather jacket pumps you hear me it's the dyke on a bike that's a real group that's a real group the dykes on bikes which i totally support yeah they're cool kylie i could borrow your jacket with when i ride with my heart and soul and i'm like oh my gosh you have a leather jacket and i'm like oh my gosh can i not to belabor the point but there was just one thing that i noticed in all of your storytelling twice it stood out to me that you were saying they them what if they said yes to my proposition was this like a group or was okay see that's interesting too because i was like which one would i pick because there were two like they were all cute but there were two that were particularly cute and i was like oh my gosh can i pull it can i pull a double you're going to i guess i could but i don't i mean but i was thinking more train than menage oh but i mean oh double tap like a double down right after the other right that's what i was thinking interesting you know here's what i love about this whole thing is you go from i don't want to date who wants to have sex i'm almost really literally repulsed by sex like when we would all hang out and one of us would be like oh my husband and i had great sex last night she was always like oh disgusting why would you want to have sex i mean like repulsed by sex i love the whiplash of going from that to uh pulling a train with hell's angels i love the extremity the extremity of that yeah and the in the anonymous nature of it that you would just be like hey do you guys want to fuck and then you go into some you know trucker bathroom that's greasy af and you're just you know all right now it's your turn i love the whiplash of that from absolutely no sex sex it's disgusting just straight up truck stop gap uh sex trucks uh double train at truck stop yep that was i love i love i love how extreme that is i live for that kind of shit i love that that's fucking chef's kiss i love it i love it all right fall is rolling in the weather is crisp and what i love the most about the fall is i can actually get back into a routine and i always inject a few new things into my fall routine and i'm talking about hair growth i'm completely obsessed with neutrophil listener neutrophil is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand and it's the number one hair growth supplement brand personally used by dermatologists because hair health isn't a one-size-fits-all neutrophil often is a one-size-fits-all formula that offers different formulas for both men and women at any age or stage in life and now the neutrophils women formula has been upgraded to its most advanced version yet it's a 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photogenic but other than that 1 000 out of five stars thank you for all you do you're the best centrist lesbian dei hire and pumps a soft beaver god that's a great review this is not not a trad wife yeah not love that life oh that's i love that review so good and i'm finally over the four week non-stop wheezing hacking up along on the podcast so i'm so glad to be happy i'm so happy i can laugh without having a hacking up along jennifer when the middle of my sickness she called me and she said something funny and it it took me down for three days like i it was such a hacking cough and then after we hung up i would still think about it and laugh and i was it was like i was like every time it would throw me into a coughing fit so i'm happy to laugh without a cough that's something i think the listener needs to know particularly on ihip news if i wanted to knock her out with my humor like to where she would just fall from the screen and couldn't recover for the remainder of the episode i could do that because i know which buttons to push to make pumps laugh that's 25 years of friendship yeah so i saved that stuff and i'll call her and i go you know what i was just thinking about and i'll tell her something and she's like full-blown emphysema copd i mean needs a lung transplant and she's like i'm gonna call her and i'll tell her something and immediately inhaler yeah and she's like inhale this is this is something you have to understand about pumps this i'll never forget this So we were all smokers back in the day. Gen Xers, you know, all of you kids are vaping now. We all, we smoked cigarettes. We were the OGs. Yeah. So Pumps and I would smoke cigs together and Pumps would be like, just like she was on the pod the last, you know, three or four weeks, just full blown because she has asthma for starters. She has compromised lungs from the get go, but that does not disqualify for her from going three packs a day when she smoked cigarettes, three packs, you guys. So she would be like, we're like in our thirties, you know, and she would, I'd go, God, I don't think we should smoke. She's like, oh no, just give me a second. She'd whip out this inhaler and then just shake it. I should take like four hits off of it and then just light the cig. Yeah. Right. Go for number two. Is that what you've been doing with the vape this whole time? Uh, well, yeah, yeah. It's not as dramatic. Like I really, like the only reason I quit smoking is I couldn't breathe and quit smoking. It was hospitalized. I was hospitalized for eight days in Vegas, had to watch Fox news with my mother. Like nobody wants to do that again. Nobody wants to go through that again. Finally on day two, I was like, I can't, I can't live like this. I would rather die. She called me. She called me. She's like, I'm in the hospital. My mother's on her way out here. I can't breathe. It's really bad. I need for you to deal with Emily. Emily's her daughter. That's very, very, very, very, very high dramatic. I have an ability to, to tell Emily. It's not, you're going 10. This is a two. And so I had the, the honors, the privilege, the absolute privilege. She was the hardest one. And so I handed her off to you. Of course. And I can handle it. Yeah. All right. All right. The share, the share of it. Okay. I've got some news stories. Thank you so much for sharing. That was really, I really, that just, that is completely in Trump's America. You want to hog up on with some hell's angels. I mean, boss hog, baby. I just, that just, that's what we need. I feel, I just, I feel like, I feel like I just got secondhand fucked by the hell. That's how excited I am. I feel like I have a freshly fucked look about me just from hearing about you wanting to do that. So thank you for that. And to all the listeners out there that are on treadmills that are in their cars that are listening to us right now, I'm sure you probably feel freshly fucked by a hell's angel by proxy as well. So pumps, we are eternally grateful for that, that overshare. It was. Classic overshare. Perfect. Okay. It was just you. You know, somebody said something the other day I was out in public. I was out in, and somebody said something about something we said on a podcast and still to this day, I forget that millions of people listen to this thing. And I always think, I always think, wait, that was a private. I was just telling pumps that. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I forget that the podcast is public. Because it's just us and we don't know. And then it's like, oh. It goes into some cloud. Yeah. We did say that. I mean, I'm kind of have a virus remorse about, uh. About what? Oh, the crabs. Yeah. Telling everyone I had crabs. But you know, I just feel like who fucking cares? I don't fucking care. You're a crab survivor. And I don't think you should live with shame. This is a, this is the time in our country where we advocate for survivors and you are a crab survivor. And there is probably some listener out there who has like, you know what? I want a retro bush. I'm not going to be. Not a good idea. I'm not going to shave all my hair. I'm not going to shave all my pubes off. I'm an, I want a full blown 1970s, 80s porn star retro bush. I'm not doing that. And in that decision, maybe they fell prey to crabs like you. And you just gave, uh, you normalization, um, you desensitize the shame of people that have, that have suffered from crabs. And really, I, I just, I don't think you should feel shame about that. I think there's something liberating and saying, hi, my name is Pumps and I'm a crab survivor. Yeah. I'm a crab survivor. All right. Speaking of weird sexual shit, Kylie, play the, on my soundboard. Why would you even get into bestiality? So as you know, somebody wanted to join the FBI that, uh, was into bestiality, right? Cash Patel's like, you know, I'll remove that restriction immediately because you fuck animals. You're my guy. I fuck you. I fuck you. I fuck you. I fuck you. I fuck you. I fuck you. Let's go. So a week after Cash Patel defended victim, victims of bestiality, Kylie, play our soundboard. In front of Congress, the FBI is facing another scandal. Pop this up. FBI warned immigration authorities about fake trad wife dating profiles. An FBI memo said that a small group of women were posting with a, traditional wife aesthetic as a tactic to lure immigration authorities. The dating profiles were incorporating imagery of a traditional wife aesthetic and listing specific interests in an attempt to appeal to an individual's in law enforcement. According to the memo, the objective was to lure affiliated law enforcement personnel into an online or in-person interaction under the guise of a date. After which the individuals would be publicly exposed or doxed online. The memo reads, the tactic is intended to generate public embarrassment and deter immigration enforcement activity. The FBI confirmed the authenticity of the memo to NBC news. And what I have to say to this is not all heroes wear capes. That's right. I support all of this, uh, with everything in me. I, here's the thing, like, okay, so we've got Epstein files. We haven't arrested anybody. We've got right wing groups that are out gods and guns and doing all this shit. I mean, the FBI is such a fucking disaster, but we are so worried about guys going online and hooking up with trad. Like, I just cannot believe that that exists. I cannot believe the FBI is spending time on memos saying, don't get caught by a trad wife, like fuck her. It doesn't matter if you're a trad wife. Whatever the profile is, if you're being a nut on a dating app, you're being a nut on a dating app. Like that's just how it is. And so just the amount of energy and tax dollars that have been wasted on cash, Patel's girlfriend on extra small, um, FBI jackets for him. I just, the waste, the waste, fraud and abuse in cash Patel's FBI. It's, it's so staggering and it is not limited because we've got DOJ. I mean, there's a gazillion things, but just in particular, cash Patel is just the dumbest, like of all the podcasters on the planet of all the podcasters on the planet that you could get to be the director of the FBI. He was a bad choice. Even in that group, even in that group of unqualified people, cash Patel's at the bottom, but I guess that's why he was picked. Yeah. And I think what I hear from all of this and what I see from all of this is a larger narrative that we need to expose. And it is that people that identify as MAGA, whether you are the director of the FBI, whether you are the speaker of the house, whether you are the, uh, husband of Kristi Noem, these people are deeply, deeply, deeply sexually repressed. These people are not liberated sexually. The way we just experienced a masterclass about your wanting to pull a train with, um, Hell's Angels at a truck stop, a gas station bathroom. These people are so incredibly sexually repressed and this is why they hate the white liberal woman who, um, fucks for sport. If you want to fantasize, they have crabs announces that they have their crab survivor. I think it would be better for you to start referring to yourself as a crab survivor for all of those that survive. Um, but then, you know, think about this, think about the case that's piling up Kristi Noem, her husband, big titty Brian, right? Think about, uh, we just heard about Lauren Boebert, scissor city. It's scissor city for Lauren Boebert, who is nonstop talking about God, Jesus, all this shit. Meanwhile, it's, you know, let's deep dive snorkel with my staff and then get busted. You didn't have to pay $200,000 allegedly. All right. All right. So she's vag scuba diving and, and listen, I support it. I'm for all of this shit that they want to do, but they have so much shame surrounding sex. And so then these, these brave heroes that are infiltrating the FBI by, um, or I guess that it wasn't the FBI, they're infiltrating, uh, immigration authorities. Um, so basically I. They're trying to get them to get out of the ICE, it sounds like, ICE agents, um, to get them in a compromising position because they know that these men are fucked up sexually. Right. Those are not people that are liberated. This is why the MAGA movement hates the LGBTQ plus movement so much because it's pride month because they have pride in who they are. They have pride when they fuck. They have pride when they hit on people. They don't feel the shame that MAGA does. So whether it's Kash Patel allegedly fucking a dog and he wants to make that okay. You know, for being the FBI director of GOAT, whatever his animal of choice was, because God knows, you know, Alexa's probably like, I wish the goat would take it on, so I don't have to do this. She'll be happy to get extra dogs to take care of that problem. Or these brave heroes, or should I say sheroes, that are putting these immigration officers in compromising positions. They know they can lure them in as trad wives and then say some kinky shit, and these people, it's going to come out. But then, you know, their public persona is megachurch, God. We're so tough. Drag queens are, you know, doing all this gay shit with kids and blah, blah, blah. And that's before we even get to this fabulous Instagram account called Right Wing Watch. That all day, every day just drops a fresh supply of all of these mega morons that their whole entire digital profile vacillates between the fight, fight, fight, in quotes, assassination attempt on kinks to the drag. Drag queens and the gay agenda and training, trains and kids and all this shit. Meanwhile, they get fucking arrested for doing what? Sexually assaulting kids, slipping into kids' DMs. And so it's just, MAGA is the party of people that have incredible sexual dysfunction. Yeah, that they're trying to hide it and they're trying to go underground and do it. First of all, you said not all heroes wear capes. She wrote, I wouldn't be surprised if all these ice guys are on. Grindr, too. Let's not rule that out. And then I was just going to, did you see the article about a week ago about Mark Wayne Mullins, who is the secretary, Homeland Security Secretary, Secretary of Homeland Security from Oklahoma, that he has a weird living relationship? Yeah. Yeah, I saw that. I'm like, oh my God, it never ends. It never fucking ends. Guess who else had a weird roommate? Little Moses Mike Grindr Johnson had a roommate. That's a weird fucked up roommate. And the neighbors reported that the. Huge Bible thumper that Moses Mike lived with answered the door when Mike got home from work in his panties. I mean, so don't tell me there isn't all this homoerotic shit going on. I mean, from a man who has devoted his entire life to anti-gay causes, Little Grindr has. I mean, you know, there's just a real fine line between a cowboy that you see in like super tight Wranglers. I'm talking skin fucking tight, starched down the center with a big cowboy belt buckle. And the shirt that's super, super tight in these boots. And if you've ever been to a boot and scooting place, the way they twirl around the dance floor, there's a real fine line between a cowboy and a queen. I'm just saying. Likewise with like, there's a real fine line between a lot of country gals and stereotypical lesbians. There's just a real fine line. I'm just saying that I think the libtards are correct. When they say that sexuality is a spectrum. I think that a lot of these people feel like if they find somebody attractive, that is of the same sex, that they're being gay. And they're like, oh my God, that was crazy. That was gay. And then, you know, and then they, it just builds and builds and builds and builds because they think these people are so nutty. They think they're being surveilled 24, 7, 365 by God and all of their thoughts. I mean, my God, we're governed by these. Dipshits. I've had it with Christians. Had it. Had it, had it, had it. Like the Frosted Cranberry Splash with Sprite. The Red Bull Frosted Cranberry Energizer and Cookie Butter Coffees. I wrote a little song to remind you. Choice Hotels gets you more of the experiences you value. The Cambria Hotels got it. Bring a date, your squad, or even your mom. Had it. I think we need to listen to our callers. What have the callers had it with? Okay, good. Because I'll find a new grievance here. Okay, at first we've got Jenny. Hi, Pums. Hi, Kylie, Seth, Ryan. This is Jenny, the therapist and her therapy dog, Hazel. I've written in to you guys before. I just have to share with you the most astonishing. I was out walking Miss Hazel, come up to this yard in my little neighborhood where I live. Suddenly there's caution tape all over the front lawn. Really kind of thought something was wrong. Didn't know if a tree had fallen on the neighbor's house or what. As I get closer, there is a sign that says, stay back. We have noisy dogs and a sleeping baby. And then this sign proceeds to tell me, tell anybody who's coming to the door what they can do. If they're there for a social visit, if they're delivering food, if it's a package. And anyway, I just had it with that kind of stuff. You know, I've raised three kids. Youngest one is 18. Sure, I didn't like people, you know, being loud in my actual house if a baby was trying to sleep. But to go so far as telling the outside world what they can do because your baby is inside sleeping. I don't know. I think that's bananas. Anyway, love you guys. Can't wait to see your show in D.C. Thanks. Bye. Yeah, I think that's really nutty. Here's the thing. There is nothing worse than having a new baby and somebody ringing the doorbell. Back in our day, or my day at least, with Sam, it was landlines. Like, so it was just ringing, ringing, ringing people. And they're being sweet, but it's like, I finally just took the phone off the hook. Now with silencing your phone, you can do that. But here's the thing. Caution tape. Do we have to go so far as to put caution tape around? And if you want to deliver a package, do this. I've seen people that just put tape over the doorbell that says, please text me if you're here. So it seems slightly dramatic. But with new parents, and I was like this, you think you are the only person on planet Earth that has ever had a baby. And that your problems, like your baby's not sleeping all night. That's so unique. That's so unique to you. It's not. Everybody does it. Everybody lives through it. It's not great. But you do. I'm going to have to say, this is too far. Just a little too far for me. Yeah, I would say that, you know, the stickers that you see on the back of minivans, where it has like a dad, a stick figures, a dad, a mom, and little kids, and then a couple of dogs and a couple of cats. And then also on the same car, you see like proud parents of, you know, Smith Jones. Smith Jones Elementary School honor student. All of this lives in the same space. Yeah. All of this lives in this, and you nailed it, that people think they're universally unique when they breed and have a family. And that their experiences in this are unique. And that their baby's needs are more important than every other baby's needs. Right. And that their child is smarter than every other child. And their family is, you know, worthy of a stick figure thing. And what I have to say about. All of this is put a sock in it. Put a sock in all of the top, bottom, left, right. Breeding has been around forever. Like literally forever. And I think that the straights do this the most. I'm curious as we see the gays and the lesbians and the LGBTQ plus community have their own families. I wonder if they would do the stick figure family. in their car? Like dad, dad, kid. I'm kind of thinking, no, no. I'm wondering about the honor student sticker. Have you seen the one that says my child beat up your honor student? Of course. Those were so, I mean, I like that one. I like that one a little bit, but yeah, I don't think, I think the gays are too cool for those stick figures. Maybe, maybe I'm wrong, but I think just generalizing, I think way too cool. They're not going to get caught up in all that bullshit. I do have a little slight story that I'm glad, uh, Hazel going on a walk reminded me of. So yesterday I take all the dogs for a walk and Blaze takes a ginormous poop. I mean, ginormous, and it was a double sacker. So I go in, there's a hole in the sack. And I mean, I went right in to get it. It was so gross. Has that ever happened? Am I the only person that's ever happened to? Surely not. That has not happened to me. And thank you so much for sharing. Let's get to the next caller. Okay. Next we've got Dakota. Hi Jen. Hi pumps, Seth. Hey diva. And most importantly, hi Kylie. I only listened to this podcast for you. Let it be known. My name is Dakota. I'm from Seattle and I've had it with employees who are rude to me because they're mad at a customer that was mean to them before I even got there. I was just in the drive-thru and I pulled up and they're like, hi, what would you like to order? I said, oh my God. Hello. So nice to see you. This is what I would like to order. Thank you so much. They say, is that all? I say, yep, that'll be it. And then 10 seconds of silence. Nobody says anything. I'm sitting here wondering, okay, does she need a moment? Is she busy in there? Do I need to pull forward? What am I supposed to do? And then at the end of that 10 seconds, hey, we'll see you up here. Like loaded and dripping in attitude. And I'm like, like, you know, screw me for thinking that I'm going to have you read my total to me. So I know how much I need to give you whenever I get to the window or like, screw me for thinking that maybe you as the employee would say, okay, pull forward. We'll see you up here. So then I get to the window and she's absolutely rude to me. Like won't even look at me, make eye contact. And I worked retail for five years. I know how fucking awful customers can be. And I totally get being in a bad mood after a bad interaction. But one thing that just doesn't make sense is to be rude to the customers that are nice, like overly nice to you. You can kind of tell whenever somebody has worked in retail because they have this like sense of how can I make your job easier as the employee? Like I get the struggle, but it always peeves me so bad whenever I'm like overly nice to an employee and they're just like opening my jaws and shitting in my mouth because they hate me on the customer period. Anyway, that's why I've had it. Love ya. It's a really good grievance. It's very nuanced and I appreciate a new grievance. I appreciate a new grievance. It's not just like I went to the drive-thru and the lady was a bitch. There was a lot of analysis behind it. Like he opined and deduced that she was mad because the customers before him had been shitty to her. And so then he's taken the grenade on that. He's the collateral damage of these bad customers. I appreciate how detailed and nuanced that is. And I always go back to this. If these, the people who work in the service industry are shit on by everybody. Everybody. By most importantly, first and foremost, their employers. Their employers refuse to pay them a livable wage. And then the government assists in that. Oh no, these are job creators. We can't put restrictions on them. They should be able to, you know, pay or do whatever they want to do. We should be able to do whatever they want to do. And then just the Facebook keyboard warriors then are like, I don't know. And so I get his grievance. I understand it because I always try to be really kind to people in the service industry and, you know, acknowledge because I waited tables forever and all through college. And I think it's one of the best jobs a person can have is waiting tables because you really get a sampling of all the different types of people there are in the world. And so I don't know. I just love a detailed, nuanced grievance and I appreciate it. Yeah. And I've had that happen to me where I'm waiting, like, do I pull up? Do I not pull up? Like I need a little more direction, but here's the deal. People get treated like shit. So I'm with you. I always try to be super nice and gracious and not get mad, but it sounds like he killed her with kindness even after she was a bitch to him, which I appreciate too. I do too. All right. Who's next? Okay. Up next, we've got Kylie. Two Kylie's. Did you call in? Not me. Kylie. This is a fellow Kylie calling with an I've had it. This kind of has to do with the I've had it Jen has about getting emails and texts from businesses after you make just like a one-time purchase. I purchased a keyboard online from this business and I proceeded to get the confirmation email, which I'm not sure if you can see it, but I'm not sure if you can see it. I'm not sure if whatever i expect that i then get a email from a different person that claims to be well not claims to be the sales manager there and he is thanking me personally for the order and then asks how to stay in contact with me and what's the best way to stay in contact what do you mean why why would i want to stay in contact i'm just trying to buy this keyboard from you anyway so i get that and i'm like maybe this is a small business or something and they're just like very thankful for the purchase that's not even the worst part he proceeds to call me no to thank me for the order why are you calling me no and then after the order is delivered he tries calling me again no no why are we calling why are we calling me so that's why i've had it for today i'm just i'm just so sick of it that's stalker behavior it's epidemic i have been whistleblowing about this type of stuff all the time it's a slippery slope that these companies are engaging in and it's a gateway to what obviously kylie the caller you know could seriously have a stage five stalker on her hand at this stage how would we know the difference because corporations stalk us like that as well it should feel like stalking let me give you a example i had my annual mammograms last friday it was a miserable experience okay they had to smush my little titties into this thing and she didn't get it right the first time we did a bunch of different images and they were smushed and that's hold your breath and then you hear the machine go beep beep beep okay miserable experience one out of five stars i recommend because i believe in the power of preventative medicine but it's not pleasant it's not it shouldn't be a service that you give a review for i'm gonna be goddamned i get the results normal thank you praise jesus praise be god is god is looking over my god is good god is looking over my titties it was a god thing yeah and it was a god thing and um i got a text after said miserable experience of having my tits smushed re-smushed holding my breath the beeping of the machine it's like a goddamn horror film right it's like a cia black site in these mammogram rooms with a bunch of titties right it's like basically titty waterboarding and i get it i get a text message asking me to review the experience and here's what i have to say to the people who came up with surveys stop the whole business is a fucking racket it is a fucking racket who is going what kind of motherfucker goes onto their phone after being at a cia black site masquerading as a mammography radiology room and gets tortured and gets their titties smushed multiple times in a row while holding their breath and then how was this experience would you care to rate this experience no i would care to not remember this experience until next year i want to deny that ever happened i want to evangelical christian this thing i want to pick up the rug sweep the abuse under and roll it back down because i'm grateful for the science that we can catch and uh that women aren't dropping dead of cancer but this is not a reviewable surveillable experience period who came up with this experience and who came up with this experience and who came up with all of these ideas that there's a fucking survey for that there's a survey for this i oppose surveys i've had it with surveys i think it's bullshit i think it's a a niche group of busy bodies yeah codependent toxic people that came up with this racket we'll survey people and we're going to charge these corporations to run their surveys racket racket racket racket racket and then they sit around and they scramble jets and they sit around and go okay well we were looking at the surveys and we just came up with a whole new motto and the people are saying oh well what should we do and they're like oh well we're going to do this and we're going to do different than the other radiology departments we've got it it may feel like you're at a cia black site but at least you don't have cancer you know they come up with this shit and then it's just and they're constantly just pummeling us with all this stuff a medical visit none of these things are surveillable nobody likes going except unless you're a freak show hypochondriac like josh nobody genuinely likes doing this shit well you like using surveys i loved it i like political surveys i don't i don't do just like every day like yesterday i had my car serviced i didn't get it i didn't survey it i just ignored it i'm just like no but i love kylie you like a survey i don't know if i've ever actually done one i appreciate that i never that's a no for me yeah i i do all the political surveys that come my way and it's interesting because it used to be more fun i used to get surveys from like republican and democrats or just on public but now mine are all like do you think the trump administration is corrupt yes i mean so now they figured me out i'm saying this what somebody's making money off of that by asking stupid questions of course he's most surveys are stupid questions you may remember back to the the start of this podcast one of my original fundamental grievances that i've had forever stupid questions and then there's this whole movement there's no such thing as a stupid question are you fucking kidding me stupid questions are god damn you and here's a prime one do you think donald trump's a dipshit that's a stupid question because it's asked and answered counselor we all know everybody knows he's a moron criminal idiot so i think stupid questions okay here here it is surveys are the monetization of stupid questions yes you're so right with everything in me i think they're a racket i want to take down the survey I like it. I like it. Especially after doctor's appointment. I do kind of like my political surveys, but other than that, yes, I'm with you. So this, this is the first mission of the MAPPA movement. Surveys. Yeah. Taking down surveys. I'm going to, and here's what I'm going to do. I'll create a survey to see what about surveys. Yeah. That would be the first project. I've got it. I've got it guys. Hey, listen, listen, we'll do a survey about if people enjoy surveys. Surveys. Yeah. Oh yeah. It's a great idea. It's really fresh. It's really cutting edge. You should do it. Kylie, draw it out. Put it on the internet. Let's circle back with more ideas. What are we going to call the survey about surveys? You know, everybody, you know, enough, enough. The millennials have done a lot of good things, but I think a lot of this, a lot of this, there's no such thing as a stupid question. Yeah. Everything has to be positive all the time. I need some cynicism in the world. Absolutely. I need it. The world is better with cynicism. I need it to survive. Agree. One million percent. I can't survive in toxic positivity. No. I can't survive in a world where there is no such thing as a stupid question. Ask me whatever you want. Okay. Are you a dumb bitch? Is that a stupid question? Let's talk about that. Do you want a survey on that? On a scale of one to 10, how would you think the question rates and stupid ability, are you a dumb bitch? That's what I want to do. I would answer the question myself, yes. Yes, I am a stupid bitch. Thank you. I'm a 10 out of 10 on the dumb bitch scale. Did you spot it? You got it. All right. That's all we have. Listen, I have a book around here somewhere. Here it is. And it's close. I'm so excited. I can't wait to get mine in the mail. October 6th, Not Today Fascist. Please pre-order it. It helps me a lot. And I think you'll quite enjoy it. It's obviously more serious, more political. But we need this. And this is a great read to motivate everybody right into the midterms. Put pumps back in here. And please leave us a voice memo. And you have to obviously tell Kylie you think she's cool in order for her to play. And she's the gatekeeper of all of that. And she is a fucking unhinged narcissist of the highest order. And you'll notice the trend in all our voicemails. You get on if you say how great Kylie is. Yeah. Then it gets played. Then it gets played. No, I'm kidding. Kylie's not a narcissist. She's fabulous. She's the, uh, she's our hashtag why. Hashtag why. I'm writing that down for a hat at next time. I get so fucking tired. She's our hashtag why. Shut the fuck up. They are my hashtag why. Is that how we should respond? Yeah. As a matter of fact, I am. Thank you for noticing. All right. We'll see you next time. We'll see you all later. I'll tell you what I've had it with. Let's hear it. I've had it with that. Tis the season for seasonal drinks at McDonald's.